#BlogLife742 - Avoid me? Self red tagged and flagged

Good evening or morning, depending on the time you're reading this but actually it's the afternoony.

Last night I was watching asmr youtubey videos to relax before bed and I saw one about types of people to avoid dating.

And curious me, thought, I bet some of my traits are listed and low and behold they were.

Someone said avoid the friendless, just because they are loners that's no excuse not to socialise, everyone needs people around them or some nonsense...

I only have online and not real world friends and that's based on all the experiences that I've had, surrounded by users out for themselves and their needs.

I think that's a huge assumption, all of us independents are needy and attention seeking and don't have people skills because we don't have fans around us.

Alright to play Devil's advocate I have spoken to a wide array of people and some are like that, but not all.

So am I to be avoided? I personally don't think so. I'm just careful about what information I share and the speed at which I'm comfortable around strangers.

I do concede I have an excess amount of baggage. The need to feel physically and emotionally safe in my sociable surroundings.

The need to limit any physical touch because I would be on edge, the whole evening.

I'd like to be able to set boundaries and not receive a disgusted look.

I don't want to be forced into a hug or kiss or to tell my life story or personal details.

Those things should flow naturally or not at all. When everyone is relaxed and intrigued and having a good time.

Why must things go at lightning speed? Why do I always feel pressured?

Why can't I be myself, without someone push, push, pushing me?

The lack of patience is off-putting and surprise surprise, not all of us are the same!!

Anyway had to get that off my chest and last night was a disaster.

I had been so careful with my lenses. I had only one contact lens left and no spares.

I was taking it out and getting ready for bed. I thought I had screwed the lid down, after I had placed it inside.

But nope I didn't and as I tipped the case, the lens flew somewhere mysteriously.

I used the phone light and squinted and felt the bed but no sign of it.

In the morning, where there was more natural light, once again I scoured the area and no joy.

You need your bloody contacts lenses in, to see properly. There is very lil hope of finding them without it.

I am down to wearing my glasses. I have one pair and it's so weird to use them.

I'm allergic to wearing them for one. My ears have this burning sensation after a while.

Luckily today is fine, although I am getting a headache. Plus ugh, I forgot how much I have to push them up my nose.

They always slide down ugh! Then there is the overall vision loss, which is 50% worse with glasses.

It's almost like someone has smeared gloopy liquid on them, you can still see, but not well.

Whereas contact lens, give the most freedom and clarity and sharpness.

It's not a perfect solution, where the short-sightedness no longer bothers me, I still struggle to see far away, signs, buses etc.

But it's the best that my eyes can be. Where I am, there are two buses that are similar.

Let's say it is 00 and 01. I can't tell them apart until they are almost nearly in front of me.

With the glasses, I am not even sure I will be able to see it at all.

Makeup is going to be tricky and the brow wax strips, I'm not sure how I can do that with my glasses in the way.

That also means no sunglasses protecting my sensitive eyes and when the sun is shining brightly, I can't see in front of me at all.

Will the spares ever arrive, it's now been 6 weeks. What if I am stuck like this having partial vision??

What if the glasses break or I lose them? That would mean blindness.

I can only make out shapes, not details. I have no backup so I feel uneasy.

I keep wanting to take them off, it's just so unnatural wearing them longterm.

I raced to get contacts as soon as I was 16yr and I think it still took a while.

As much as they burn my eyes, and sting them and are uncomfy, I would not survive without them.

Getting contacts was almost like seeing for the first time. I miss that :(

#BlogLife571 - I'm your friend but you were never mine!

I feel eerily calm today, probably due to everytime I woke up, I made myself go back to sleep so although very broken..

All together it was a decent night's sleep. An extremely rare occurrence for a lifelong insomniac.

I guess I've always had things on my mind, preventing me from letting go and having a blissful slumber.

Back then it was a fear of being beaten up and I didn't want a scratch on me.

Plus my parents separating and nowadays I guess it's stress of being pushed passed my physical limitations in front of strangers and breaking down and crying uncontrollably.

There was always a world of imagination waiting for me. Some blissful land where I was the one in charge of my own destiny.

There I was safe and happy, with nobody out to get me or make me feel I didn't belong.

I'm excited for tomorrow, I get my booties and will probably start wearing them as soon as I can and hope they are comfy.

I don't know if Mama has time for breakfast or lunch, we shall see.

Sometimes it's hard to eat when it's not on my schedule. I only really munch, when I'm craving a snack or meal.

I'm in two minds about the supplements, on one hand, they are probably providing nutritional health benefits to my body.

And on the other, they are prolonging my periods. Arghhh. It's been a weekish, instead of a few days.

I'm still getting that feeling of painful breasts. I don't need additional discomfort.

I'm nearing the end of Sen Cal Kapimi, thank goodness. I find all the characters laughable now.

I just want to power through and see how it ends. Everybody plays games and seems to need validation to be happy.

Nobody trusts anyone and lies constantly and the clingyness, yuckity!!

Definite co-dependent themes. What's wrong with being independent and taking things slowly?

Building up the trust and having that strong foundation? I kinda wish Jeren had stood by her statements about the one-way friendship with Eda.

That she is all about herself and not her friends but she took it back and blamed her illness.

I can relate to that. I will be endlessly listening, providing advice and support and I never feel that in return.

I realised what really ticked me off about one such "friend." She didn't have time to talk to me on the phone...

Which is my way of really feeling heard and comforted in a significant way but then she flaunted it in my face that she was talking to others and having wonderful conversations.

It's like she was mocking me and either she saw it or didn't but that to me was the final straw!!

You can't have it both bloody ways. Expect me to be there for you but just disappear when I'm losing my footing.

I wonder if any of my former acquaintances actually miss me? Regret their selfishness?

Are even melancholy about not being a better friend? Pining for that unconditional patience that I had for them??

Honestly I don't really give a damn. I have always deserved more loving friendships but it is what it is.

Perhaps they mistook my lack of confidence for being a doormat that would put up with bs??!!

Nope. I gave allowances, I waited for them to acknowledge their own flaws.

I confronted them as horrible as that was and still, nothing changed!!

So I remind myself, once again. I am a warm, funny, loving, sweet, thoughtful and genuine person.

I will cheer you up, root for you, encourage you to think positively and be there if you need anything at all.

But I won't put up with bad cold meaningless friendships that are not equal.

Your loss!!

Appreciate me or lose me forever because I look forwards not backwards and being alone far surpasses having you in my life.

Being on my own actually makes me stronger, not weaker.

Goodbye and good riddance to all those people that took, took, took and didn't invest.

I'm full of bad habits and mistakes but at least I can come forward and say yes, I did this and that was wrong.

I wasn't always patient. I wasn't always trusting or open but I did the best I could, which was still, wayyyyy more than any of you did.

I don't really want to be negative or too ranty but if something is playing in my head, then it's better for me to voice it.

And this was for a while. I ignored it but I feel better for speaking the truth.

That my needs are never met and I have to acknowledge that I deserve them to be.

I never see myself as important as others, which is wrong because I am.

So I struggle to say, this friendship is a problem because as low as I always feel, you as the person on the other side, should never make me feel unworthy.

I constantly attract that type of person. I just realised they are all content to make me feel like crap!!!

This is why I let very few people get close to me and I extract myself very often.

As the truth is people chip away at my self-esteem. They use me and I don't see it!

Sometimes I really want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want them to like me as much as I value them.

I want them to be as honest as I am but typically, I exist for their amusement!

Make sure those around you respect you and give you what you need from them.

I'm not saying always or all the time. I know people have their own lives but the scales should be balanced.

#BlogLife525 - Big vs lil voice

I had a late start this morning because I woke up randomly at 6amish and it felt like I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.

This weather continues to be unpredictable as I was shivering and had to hop into my thick duvet which was so comforting.

It's so much nicer to be tucked in and get into a sleepy comfy position and then drift off, rather than being on top of the covers and feeling out of place.

Eventually I did and then was woken up by the foolish neighbours at 8amish and then again fell back asleep until 12pmish.

Then I had breakfast/lunch and ended up listening to some Youtubey podcasts.

Even if I have it running in the background, I'm more visual and every so often I like switching tabs and looking as they tell personal or funny stories.

I've listened/watched some of Mayim Bialik's ones which are both serious and lighthearted and really long, probably an hourish each.

Then Melissa Joan Hart has one that's more on the lighthearted scale but still compelling.

I guess with these it's easier to stop them and carry on with other things as opposed to watching a movie/show and getting hooked on the story and not wanting to pause it.

There are times when I feel all my posts should be grand and serious about whatever topic is consuming me so that it's more interesting to read and follow.

But then that would sap my energy completely and my mood and it would take me some time to recover from that.

I'm glad I mix in the serious and the playful in my posts.

I've just tasted the J20 Orange and Passionfruit lollies at 3x£2.50 or 2 boxes for £4.

I've tried the drink and I love it but I didn't realise these have a slightly bitter coating and underneath is icecream.

I just assumed it was pure lolly, that seems to be hard to find. Ice cream is fine, I just am trying to be somewhat healthier and consume slightly less calories.

It's nice, if you can get past the tanginess but pure orange is a much better flavour, which sadly Iceland doesn't have.

I suppose I could look at Ocado, nope they don't have it either. Although I did see a pistachio chocolate lolly, lush.

Which reminded me of the limited edition lassi mango lollies, which didn't taste like mango and then pistachio which was scrumptious.

That I have never seen anywhere since then.

Ahh yes the next day from using the Himalaya face wash, for once my face didn't feel really oily.

It's just moisturised, soft, clearing up and the pimples are fading.

Getting back to the title I was thinking about how in my head I seem to be prepping for some battle that rarely happens.

I am both outspoken and reserved. I guess it depends who is pushing my buttons and if I am invested in whatever conflict is arising.

I don't want to fight all the time or take every lil thing personally, sometimes I want to shrug it off and laugh.

With family, I guess I will pick and choose. Friends I think for the most part, I let things slide and then resented the hell out of them afterwards.

I think back then, not only did I not know how to articulate my thoughts but possibly I thought the friendship would not withstand truth hurts....

And even though these one-sided friendships for the most part were unsupportive, I guess I needed them to vent in my own small way.

Until I didn't anymore and realised I had my own back and could and would be there for myself in whatever capacity I needed, instead of getting nothing in return.

I think the fact that I was always shut down from expressing myself and my needs put me off to an extent where I stopped sharing anything with anyone and kept it bottled deep inside.

I probably did share this before but as it crossed my mind recently, I'll go into it again.

At a time where I was a lost outsider who didn't have many friends and didn't have anyone to lean on and was quite depressed but also an expert at hiding it or not displaying all of it...

My teacher at Church I bonded with him after the other one left and he kept pushing me for answers as to what was going on and how I was feeling...

R his name was and I remember thinking on one hand, how nice it would be to be understood and heard and for someone to care.

And he seemed a decent jovial, optimistic sort but also thoughtful.

When I finally consented, my age was probably 14yrs-16yrs. I'm not sure whose idea it was to do it in the form of a letter.

Talking was really difficult but writing was almost an automatic, uncensored explanation of my feelings.

I can't remember what I said in this 1 or 2 page letter but I know it was something like.....

I don't know where or if I have a place in this world. Nobody gets me, I struggle with everything, school, communicating, people, family, my home life.

Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I too weird? Am I not making the effort, to do the right thing, say the right thing, conform, ignore the criticisms?

I don't know how to toughen up. I don't know how to get to know myself or figure out how to be happy.

I am just aimlessly drifting and I have no talent, no identity. I'm not good at anything and I don't seem to make anyone, including myself happy.

What is wrong with me? 

(I wasn't even intending this post to be thought-provoking but here we are, my brain is random).

I think I was pacing back and forth, should I give it to him, did it make me sound like an idiot?

But I also know that as hard as it was to write it, well probably not compose it but to read it back..

It was also a relief to unburden all these ideas in my head that circled and didn't get let out.

I was probably shaking or maybe I was eerily calm but my face was red I guess as I handed it over and said something flippant..

You wanted an insight into me, here it is, don't say I didn't warn you it was dark.

I waited and waited and waited for some acknowledgement or a kind word, a phonecall, a letter back, a chat and what happened??

NOTHING! I understand life happens and responsibilities but I was not someone that let people in much.

That was a privilege that happened to very few people. He had goaded me for answers and yet didn't have the decency, the heart to respond in any single way???

I was devastated at this betrayal and at that point figured I was a lost cause and I retreated further away from activities and people.

I did hate him for that and ceased communicating with him. I put myself in his shoes and thought if someone had come up to me, seeing me as a mentor, a friend..

I wouldn't be looking for the perfect words. I would just thank them for being brave enough to open up and grateful that I could be there to listen and support them.

Sometimes all that is needed is to know we are not alone, we are not hopeless, somebody cares, somebody is in your corner.

I think eventually there was a halfhearted apology, something about him being really swamped but I don't remember him ever saying, I read your letter and I feel your pain.

There was just excuses and I never looked at him in the same way again. I let it go because I was used to being ignored by those I trusted.

But the bond was broken and I expressed my anger and disappointment.

I'm not sure what the real reason was, did he feel out of his depth? Was he worried about pushing me further into the abyss?

Or was the hard truth that he didn't give a damn and wanted to be seen as a good guy??

Who knows? Who cares. I guess it was another life lesson. Be careful who you let in.

People are not who they seem. Another reason I am very cautious around others.

#BlogLife343 - What level of friend are you?

I have an acquaintance that migrated into a friend recently-ish. He's harmless, doesn't flirt, doesn't intrude.

We just can talk for hours about non serious things for a long time.

I never realise I need that silly sort of chitchat until I am in the middle of it and it makes me smile and feelgood amongst all the drama and pain.

I think we've only touched on one deep and meaningful conversation about friendships, this entire time but I'm okay with it appearing superficial because it's something that I need to break up my day.

Another friend I can do a broader chat with, serious, lighthearted, she can cover it all and that's somewhat more meaningful because I'm not censoring myself, I can just share and know that she won't judge me or take it the wrong way on purpose.

They are both significant and fill a role and I'm grateful to have them in my life.

I have seen my fair share of unnatural friendships over the years.

People that target me for personal information that then use it against me to assume I am a certain way or to act superior.

People that expect me to drop everything, when they are in crisis but don't have the decency to do the same in return.

Even if I divulge something, I feel it's still one aspect of it, not the whole thing.

Do you have someone you can be yourself around? Do you have someone that you trust completely?

It's not easy to figure these things out. I only seem to do that when I've shared something private and then I face the reaction and think ahhhhhh, so you're that type of person. Hmm.

We all have to take chances though, let someone in but be cautious, see how they do with the small secrets first before moving on to the bigger ones.