#BlogLife1112 - What does friendship mean to you personally?

Umm I had some posts written that I was going to publish but something happened last night and this fresh one, needs to be written to clear my head.

I don't know if I'll post it first but I need to get this off my chest. If you're a regular reader, you'll know, I spent my life as an outsider, looking in...

Trying to bond, trying to fit with people and trying to get the respect back, that I bestowed upon others.

It just didn't work. I was seen as this quiet, so obviously uneducated girl, who didn't have anything worthwhile to offer.

At lot of the time, I was mocked and ignored and I didn't have a voice or opinion that seemed to matter to others.

Eventually I stepped back, worked on myself and got to a point, where I thought, Ok, I am smart, I am good company and any single person, that doesn't make me feel good, I will remove, whether with a goodbye or not....

So in the last couple of months, that's how I felt once again, pushed aside and ignored and that doesn't work for me.

That's how all the friendships/acquaintanceships have gone and I'm not going to stand for it.

My needs are important too. So I thought alright, it's expired, they'll move on and I'll do the same.

Because I am not chasing someone, that doesn't want me around.

I take it extremely personally. I understand, life get's busy, family, friends, work etc...

And if you're the type of person, to drop someone when you're busy and then months later, return like nothing happened, no apology, no remorse....

It's just not the type of relationship I can live with.

For me I want to be able to finally trust someone and let my walls down. To rely on them, to be able to just reach out and say...

Listen I need you right now, can we chat? If I don't feel that way, if I've not given some of your time....

I just don't see the point. I don't want to feel insecure or insignificant because I am not.

I have worked abundantly hard on my self esteem and no-one is going to make me feel as though I don't matter.

When someone casually dips in and out of your life, how do you trust that, they'll be around when you need them?

How can you possibly open up and say, there have been new developments, when you're constantly re-acquainting yourselves??

You can call it selfishness, coldness, whatever you like but I'm sick of the inconsistency.

I will never demand, all of someone's time but certainly Yes, a portion of it.

We all deserve, someone making the effort, someone thinking about us and caring, not out of guilt, but genuinely wondering..

Aww, I wonder if he/she is having a good week? I wonder what happened with so and so?

I'm curious if he/she is feeling better?

That's the bare minimum requirement of friendships. You have to listen, you have to respect and you have to support.

Not under any obligation, but because your heart is full and you feel this mushy need to protect them or seek them out..

Why am I saying all of this?

Not to be rude but I feel icky, so someone who had no compulsion to talk to me, at first, kept reading the blog.

And I felt a bit... This doesn't seem right because, you're able to read my thoughts and then try to find a way, to bond with me again??

I don't find this person bad hearted but what is on my mind....

Is that, they took me for granted, assumed, even after being cast aside, I would just resume the friendship...

Like I have nothing better to do, or will settle for tiny crumbs of affection...

And specifically after I wrote Goodbye on the blog, that's when it finally dawned on them, I was done.

They had months to reach out, while reading my blog and they did not...

Suddenly, it's like they've gone into panic mode and the messages come and now pending comments from them and/or someone new on my blog....

The apology, no matter how heartfelt... It's just too lil to late.

My safe space, the place where, I can be vulnerable and share things...

Feels tainted. I have not responded to them because I don't have anything to say.

If you don't want to talk, don't talk, but don't assume, I'll stick around either..

When you lift your head out of the sand and think shoot.... That was a good person....

I realise now, how foolish I was, how I hurt their feelings and it's too late to repair it.

Just accept reality, instead of creeping around.

You're not a bad person but everything you've done, has further pushed me away.

I needed someone in my corner and you proved, that person isn't you.

Although I am alone and will always be by myself. Today I'm not mourning it.

I can stand tall and know my self worth, that I won't settle and I won't put up with someone not meeting my needs...

The years and years I just endured unhealthy friendships because I didn't think I deserved real love and respect and affection and care......

And now look at me... I'm amazing. Still very far from perfection.

Still impatient.

Still an Ice Queenie but damn, maybe no-one will love and accept me for me but I know that I do and today, that's more than enough.

Question, whether you are really getting something positive from your friendships because it will chip away at your confidence.

I should work on being humble, right? Ha..

Do I allow the pending comments to be published or not? I'm so gutted that they aren't real but from a place of desperation.

My blog is my baby and what you've done, is stolen a lil peace and joy from me and I didn't have much to begin with.

#BlogLife576 - Dear Bully 5 - I'm weak because I say so, not you!

Today I thought let me be open, weak, vulnerable and incapable of putting any defences up.

Just for this moment. Tomorrow I will continue to put on a brave front.

I don't feel any nausea or pain just a lot of bloating and some inner turmoil.

Usually I feel better not thinking about family and how I grew up. I had this weird daydream and it disturbed me further.

I thought what if social services had intervened and took me out of my home and I was placed with another family.

Would it have been any better? Would they have been kinder or would I still fear that I would be harmed?

Would they have bolstered my ego or made me feel the same nothingness that I grew up with each day?

In this dream I was placed with a caucasian family who appeared to be kind but didn't want my truth, my opinions, my way of life getting in the way of their traditions.

I was served food, I barely tolerated, choosing to eat minimally or not at all.

I did all the chores I could think of to pay my way. I became less a member of the family, more a servant.

And then I spoke with the Social Worker and teachers and said I didn't belong anyway, so where did it matter how or where I ended up?

I guess my interpretation of this is that maybe the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Maybe I would have ended up even more screwed up.

I want to forget, to move on, to forgive or make peace of whatever the hell will let me have some tranquility....

But I can't.

How could I explain there was a problem at home, when I had grown up this way?

When you keep being silenced..... When you have a million things to say but someone halts you..

I think eventually my parents got tired of saying knock it off and just let him dictate.

At first I protested. Hey I have things to talk about too. But then I went internally.

He kept saying shhhhh. Was there a reason, it was only ever said to me?

Maybe what I had to say wasn't relevant and then years passed and I thought, what if nothing I say is intelligent?

Better to not talk at all right? People were content to talk over me, ignore me, ridicule me, not take the time to get to know me.

Never thinking much of me and I take responsibility for being difficult to converse with.

But by that time I already considered myself invisible. Talking was so difficult I couldn't even express myself, even if I wanted too.

I'm supposed to grow up and be a better version of my family. Be kinder to others, treat them better.

Be a whole person, instead of a broken one but there is some sort of guilt maybe, eating away at me.

I should have been tougher? I should have risked a beating and stayed true to myself.

Screamed at him to stop bullying me. To shut the hell up himself.

To leave me alone! I should have forced myself to integrate better, maybe fake friends were better than none at all?

This is what I wanted to confront. This is what I wanted to air out.

Because I don't blame myself for being a scared child or adult. I blame my parents for not truly having my back.

I did or said anything at all, to protect myself and survive. I don't think badly of myself.

I commend myself for living through it and getting out of it.

Do that, do this, give me the power?!

Yes I admit, back then I had no confidence, no power, no safety.

And I still feel haunted by their presence, when it's noone near me.

To the few people that I told and I didn't convey that much but they didn't get how brutal it was.

My friend at school thought the worst was being done to me, she thought I was being sexually abused.

I told her a million times, I wasn't and that was the truth. It wasn't my body.

It was my mind being violated and tortured and stunted. At home or with friends, can you speak?

Can you express any big or small thing you wish too? I couldn't.

There was no place for me to have a voice and opinions. I had diaries and journals but even those were limited.

Even when I was alone, locked in my room, either pressed against the door, or barricaded in for my wellbeing.

While there were screams outside, violent threats, pounding on the door.

I couldn't open up, even to myself. It's fair to say I hate my family but I also love my Mama.

Love/Hate is accurate because my parents witnessed my torment and did nothing to stop it!

I mentioned this before and maybe I was 5/6years old at the time.

But I didn't talk at school for a whole year. Imagine not making friends, not volunteering answers when the teacher asked questions.

Imagine holding back, from what you wanted for 365 days. Maybe I was bullied, maybe others thought I was simple too?

Maybe they pitied me and included me anyway? Because that one memory I have of myself, is me being happy.

Maybe I was told that my Mama was coming to see me or to pick me up early? And that caused me joy?

I'm only guessing. I suppose I was scared, in case people pointed and laughed at my thoughts and ideas.

I was used to not saying much or anything at all. I don't recall my parents ever prodding me to open up.

Everybody was content with my silence. I think when I got a few years older..

I learned that in small doses, talking was alright. As long as I kept the important stuff hidden.

As a writer and blogger who has tried and failed to communicate. 

It became somewhat easier but I'm not sure I'll ever be totally transparent.

I don't think I want to be but when I like you, when I'm comfortable....

I can be soooo chatty, so animated, so willing to share....

Now I feel empty and drained of all emotion. Let's put the walls back up and return to a more closed, more secure, semi-normal state.

#BlogLife560 - I flashed my legs

What I've noticed about the two different types of Perfectil supplements as I am alternating months, is that the Gold one gives me less energy than the blue one.

My nails are still chipping. I'm still occasionally breaking out in pimples, but my hair feels stronger, that's the only difference I see.

I'm still enjoying Kiralik Ask but I've gone off Defne because of the constant lying and deceptions.

I know they have to bring conflict and keep them apart and I am only a quarter way through but I'm not rooting for these couples to get together.

In real life, trust is so hard to come by and then if you let your guard down and welcome them in and they treat you badly..

It's tough to forgive and see them the same way. The rose tinted glasses way, where they had flaws but it was all bearable.

The weather has definitely cooled down but I didn't want to walk with a jacket today so I wore a thick green top and I was generally alright, except for the biting wind.

I was going to pick up some snacks and fruit but I felt drained so I just conserved the energy to get home.

Ha I ordered from the local cafe and they gave me another jar of relish... Why? So weird.

Plus a complimentary bottle of Ice Tea in a yucky peach flavour.

Would be nice to get something useful but unfortunately I have to bin these, because I dislike them.

I totally forgot about the order and when I came in I felt stifled so I half undressed and then the door rang I had to open it.

But the top was long, my thighs were covered, only my legs showed.

#BlogLife421 - Male asmr artists, disarming or devilish??

I was getting ready for bed and either I'll watch asmr or some television show or movie to get me relaxed and tired enough to drift off peacefully.

I think that's why I've stopped watching a lot of television series because most seem to have this dark element and it stays inside my head for ages afterwards.

There's already too much negativity and scary thoughts about already, I don't need more, hence the preference for light and fluffy shows.

I had a worse than usual night's sleep. I kept waking up every few hours. My whole head seem to be aching, eyes, mouth.

I just couldn't stop rubbing my eyes, ooh that reminds me, I'll put some drops in.

My eyes aren't bothering me anymore and my headache seems to have disappeared but this way, hopefully my eyes will stay calmer for longer.

Anyway sometimes in the right hand side of Youtube are recommended videos and I like to sample some and see if it's to my taste.

I just find myself unfollowing a lot of asmr channels as they start off normal, sound effects to help you sleep or funny ramblings about their day.

Then all of a sudden it's sexual.....Ickity, ick or friends to lovers nonsense.

I have a lot of triggers that pull me into uncomfortability and that's one of them.

As nearly most or maybe all of them ended up sexually harassing me in some sort of way, without any encouragement.

A simple hug, would mean that my breasts were grabbed, my ass was touched or worse and my face was horrified.

They were always quick to make an empty apology, which I naively thought was genuine but then given the opportunity, would readily do it again!!

I cut ties with a lot of them immediately or after a while, due to this very issue.

I still don't understand why it continuously happened to me and when I spoke to female relatives and friends, none of them had my experiences at all!

That's why I like to have a line in the sand, friendship is platonic and relationships are touchy feely.

Over the years asmr has gotten broader and improved dialogue and I don't really have a preference between male or females......

However, some male artists are just too flirty and it's that upsetting balance between..

I was just getting used to you, feeling safe around you and now you're being an opportunist......Yuckity yuck!

The other thing that is really weird and I've started to come across it a lot...

Is male performers are trying to be comforting and make you feel safe but it's a bit tooo on the nose.

A complete male stranger is saying....... 

"Trust me, I'll never hurt you, I'll always be there. Close your eyes, you're safe."

Cringe!!!! 

"I know you have vulnerability issues but you're a strong person." 

It could be just me, with all the messed up interactions I've had, but somebody getting in my head is the opposite of soothing.

It just makes me think they are getting ready to pounce and that is nauseating!

It gives me a sense of danger and unease, why are they saying such intense things?

What's the end goal for them? I know you're wondering why I'm overthinking asmr but that's what pops into my head.

I would much prefer they limit it to a more generalised banter and quit being intimate.

Plus what is with all the shirtless asmr? Yeesh!

#BlogLife336 - I'm nice, are you?

I always struggled to get close to people. I felt like I was invading their territory or not able to be myself and freely express what I needed too.

There was a barrier up and still is. I thought it would be easier with family but they were untrustworthy and cruel.

During this time of apathy and unsupportiveness I was blaming myself.

I thought that if I devoted more time to them and sacrificed my requirements, that they would treat me better.

Instead they used me and took me for granted. This is where the inner conflict came.

Should I be patient? Should I cut them off?

As a decent person I told myself I was being too judgemental and I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

But their disrespectful behaviour escalated. I felt so proud stating..

You said you were thinking about me, however that wasn't the case, else you would have contacted me.

Texts, emails and calls are so easy when you're invested. When you're obligated that's when it's hard work to keep in touch.

I got tired of the lies. Nobody is forcing you to keep in contact halfheartedly.

I choose nothingness rather than forced polite chitchat lacking heart and warmth.

It's made ne not want to display my softer side or realise that I would like to spoil someone and take care of them..

But only if they prove themselves first. I've reached my limit of dealing with people who use me, when it suits them. 

On a further bizarre note. The situation I was dealing with resolved itself, for now anyway.

I opened the weekends mail altogether today and read the letter that made no sense, when they were busy accusing me of randomness and saying we're turning our backs on you.

That was on the phone and now the letter contradicts that and says, well we realised something had changed (it hadn't).

But all is well again and things can get back to normal. I'm just relieved I don't have to take any further action.

Oh and lastly, there is someone that keeps looking at my phone while I'm accessing personal emails/texts.

It's really cringey..... Why would you do that?? Look elsewhere. I have to access it in front of him to get some details but you don't have to look at my bloody phone and read it.

Ewwwww!!!!

#BlogLife152 - Am I back to penpalling?

I guess I was feeling nostalgic and visited the sites I used to go on for my penpal needs. They are mostly the same, one has turned more into a paid type of site..

Whereas the other was the same aside from deleting old adverts and mine was one of them. I tried to read what I have written but it was gone.

They want to keep more current ones posted which is understandable. I felt a bit sad though. I mean yes it has been a mixed bag but there were some genuine responses that filtered through also.

This time around I used a different address so I won't clutter my main one with the inevitable spam fest that may or may not follow.

Plus the time wasters that don't read my blurb properly and just want something more romantic..

It is so much easier to place a summary than just wade through the listings hoping someone will reply. It also seems like I am disturbing them, when the post is old.

Maybe there will not be any replies at all, who knows? I definitely want something more gentler and shorter though. Last time it took to much time and it was draining.

That's why I quit. I didn't have time for anything else, it was just too much. Lovely people but mentally exhausting.

That is not appealing anymore. I foolishly left it open, to males and females. Hmmmm.

I posted it tonight so will let you what happens in the future. Anyone want to wish me luck? :D

A quick update. This morning I checked my inbox and I saw about five replies, some were too old, some were lacking details and others were too religious.

I think if I am putting myself out there and writing a detailed note then I expect in the first message to hear something about the person so I can get a sense of them.

I replied to all of the unsuitables one and said they didn't fit my criteria. There is one that has potential but it has been a really rough painful day so I shall reply tomorrow when I am less sore.

If you want to be acknowledged at all, be somewhat vulnerable and give a bit of yourself to the experience. It is not guaranteed to be fruitful but at least you will have a real chance.

#BlogLife129 - Hiding the pain and only showing partial reality

I have met a lot of the I-wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve types. Look in some ways I admire that. You can fully express yourself and share what you are feeling.

On the other hand, you just get trodden on and taken advantage of. I see it, I hear about it and it doesn't change. I couldn't live like that, just being so open that people just gather information and twist it.

They don't seem to change no matter the circumstances and it always baffles me. I'm not saying be extreme and don't talk at all.

I'm saying have some common sense and don't share every little bit that is going through your mind. Maybe hold off for a bit, until that person divulges what their intentions are.

I hear the word mysterious a lot when people refer to me but I'm not trying to be coy. I am actively holding back and seeing how it will unfold naturally without laying my cards out on the table.

People or I should say strangers know very little about me or my life. They assume I am happy go lucky, giggly, jokey, not taking myself to seriously.

I share in very small doses, over time and with each notification, there are time allotted for reactions and any negativity.

They don't know about my health issues, my PTSD, my trust issues or my battle with self esteem. I am not forthcoming about any of it, unless someone asks me a direct question and I feel natural about explaining a bit of it.

Otherwise I just protect myself from being exploited. At least this way I have only spoken about sensitive topics minimally and there is only a fraction of a backlash.

It still stings but at least I can quickly get over it and don't feel foolish about serving myself up completely to some spiteful jerk, who can't see how special I am.

Also I don't feel exposed and awkward. There is a lot to be said for keeping busy and not dwelling on sickness. If you tell someone that you are sick, whether short or long term.

That becomes their sole focus of conversation each time. If you are like me, the last thing you want to focus on, is the symptoms attached to that condition.

It is near impossible to speak about it and remain positive. If I have to touch on it, it's brief and to the point. I can't let the magnitude wash over me because it brings an emotional storm with it.

It is already so difficult trying to feel good and have something, anything to smile about. Anyway that is my take. Live your life but be careful who you trust.

#BlogLife83 - Let me in S (fiction)

I hear tapping on the door. Let me in S.

I can't. 

Come on, I need to talk to you. 

It's not a good time. I swallow hard waiting for footsteps to leave. 

My hand wants to reach for the handle but it stays glued to my side. 

I'm not leaving!

I gingerly creep forward silently sliding my hand over the peep hole. Please just leave. 

S.. Look, I miss you and I'm not going to let you walk away and destroy what we have. 

I close my eyes, put my hands over my face and slump against the door. 

Remember when we first met? You thought I was so arrogant and sure of myself but you cut me down to size. 

Then saw that I was just an ordinary guy who was smitten trying to find some way of keeping you talking so I could impress you?

I nodded to myself as though you could see my expression.

I know your past hasn't been ideal and you have no reason to trust me but I am here. I have passed your tests. I have stayed true and contrary to what you believe..

I'm not going anywhere and you aren't either. I'll stay here all night if I have too. If that is what it will take to convince you..

I sighed. Straightened up and took a deep breath and then still unsure, I quickly opened the door before I could change my mind.

The sight before me, made me weak. I fell to my knees looking ahead at nothing and nobody.

I had been lying to myself and was almost convinced that.. 

You..

Were..

Authentic!