#BlogLife336 - I'm nice, are you?

I always struggled to get close to people. I felt like I was invading their territory or not able to be myself and freely express what I needed too.

There was a barrier up and still is. I thought it would be easier with family but they were untrustworthy and cruel.

During this time of apathy and unsupportiveness I was blaming myself.

I thought that if I devoted more time to them and sacrificed my requirements, that they would treat me better.

Instead they used me and took me for granted. This is where the inner conflict came.

Should I be patient? Should I cut them off?

As a decent person I told myself I was being too judgemental and I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

But their disrespectful behaviour escalated. I felt so proud stating..

You said you were thinking about me, however that wasn't the case, else you would have contacted me.

Texts, emails and calls are so easy when you're invested. When you're obligated that's when it's hard work to keep in touch.

I got tired of the lies. Nobody is forcing you to keep in contact halfheartedly.

I choose nothingness rather than forced polite chitchat lacking heart and warmth.

It's made ne not want to display my softer side or realise that I would like to spoil someone and take care of them..

But only if they prove themselves first. I've reached my limit of dealing with people who use me, when it suits them. 

On a further bizarre note. The situation I was dealing with resolved itself, for now anyway.

I opened the weekends mail altogether today and read the letter that made no sense, when they were busy accusing me of randomness and saying we're turning our backs on you.

That was on the phone and now the letter contradicts that and says, well we realised something had changed (it hadn't).

But all is well again and things can get back to normal. I'm just relieved I don't have to take any further action.

Oh and lastly, there is someone that keeps looking at my phone while I'm accessing personal emails/texts.

It's really cringey..... Why would you do that?? Look elsewhere. I have to access it in front of him to get some details but you don't have to look at my bloody phone and read it.

Ewwwww!!!!

#BlogLife317 - Friendly or friendless?

Listening to stormy weather during heatwaves definitely helps trick the brain into thinking it's cooler than it actually is.

All I'm doing is constantly sprinting to the kitchen to swap icy bottles of drink.

A nice tip is storing the undiluted squash bottle in the fridge so even if you run out of cold water, you can still have a chilled drink. 

I need mine ice cold as by the time I have a few sips, the ice has melted and it's warm again ick.

I just rubbed a few ice cubes on my face, neck and arms as the tray was emptying and I wanted to refill it. It felt sooo good.

My body is not feverish anymore but I can feel it climbing slowly again and the nausea is still coming and going.

I was just thinking about the different sets of people, some are attached to their phone completely and constantly checking for missed messages and calls..

While others are more laid back and pondering....Hmm I left my phone somewhere but I'm not sure where and I don't need it, I'm not going to search for it yet.

I think getting to relax away from stress has inspired me and I feel energised and at peace.

I guess I wonder why some people panic when they've missed an alert and scramble to respond, even when they are crazy busy and it's not in anyway urgent..

Unless I've been waiting for a response or I am at a lull, I don't reply straight away. I may read it and think hmm, later but I drop everything and hasten to respond back.

Is it an obligation thing? Do you assume the person can't wait? Do you feel rude, ignoring them, while you deal with your responsibilities?

Do you get the impression it makes you a bad person or friend?

That's why for calls anyway, I firstly enquire if they are busy or not? Or if another time is better?

I have no hard feelings towards them, if they say, actually I'm tied up, later would suit better, unless they always say that or..

If they only ever repeat those words to me and don't do the same for others because then it is just taking me for granted.

Which is another trigger for me as that is a pattern of behaviour I have experienced a lot.

The person will say sorry I have to do this and that and the next minute, text saying.....

Oh I just talked to so and so. It was so enjoyable, we discussed the plans for blah blah blah.......

At this point, I'm sighing, throwing my hands in the air and thinking, what am I? Dull......?

You could have just had the same conversation with me. Everyone knows when it's a choice between texting and calls, I pick calls, unless I'm saving my battery life ha or you don't have a nice homey voice..

My question is this, would you rather have a phone that didn't stop pinging with calls, messages, messenger alerts and voicemails 24-7 or would you rather it hardly buzzed?

You can't cheat and have it in between :D For me I like the peace and quiet.

I don't have people going moody on me because I'm not in a sociable mood or I didn't respond to their idiotic forwards.

I do not miss those at all or being flooded with silly pictures!!

#BlogLife310 - The long awaited call

Don't you just hate those moments, where something is in your eye, like an eyelash or grit and it's irritating your contact lenses so that it feels like you're dealing with broken glass?

I had that issue today, which probably means the humidity has been steaming up my lenses too much and they need the protein tablets for a top up thorough cleanse.

I finally remembered to soak them last night but they still feel uncomfortable and will not stop watering during the day but at the same time, feel incredibly barren.

I did have the call from MD, I don't know why I sometimes call him DM, Dangermouse? lol! (A kids cartoon show).

But I can read people better in person or on the phone and it dawned on me my suspicions were correct, he avoiding calling as he didn't think I would pick up or that I would slam the phone down.

Ego thing maybe? By doing these pre-emptive breakups he was avoiding being dumped possibly by his logic..?

But how many times could I have explained I wanted to talk things through?

I did confess to my crimes and I didn't feel as though I was crawling, I am just a grownup and if I'm wrong, I'll say it.

I know that he appreciated it and it was slightly awkward but somewhat the same.

I had forgotten what he sounded like. A bit posh. He thinks it's just about the voice but I like him for more than that quality as I confessed that mid yawn.

I wanted to nap through this heat but I can't. Grrr. I think another problem was that, it still always felt unfinished.

I had this nagging doubt inside my head that, there was more to come but even I have to be realistic and let go.

Except I really didn't want too and still don't, he's still in the back of my mind, since the beginning and hasn't really left.

He did apologise genuinely and will make a stronger effort to communicate better.

I shall wait and see. I will say that things appear differently than before.

It seemed more flowy and now there is a slower pace and less interactions.

Thinking about it though, maybe that isn't a bad thing. To pace it and get to know someone properly, instead of rushing in?

At least now I am slowly coming around to the idea, that it's more of a mutual endeavour, instead of just solo.

I would take five minutes with him, than an hour with a random.

Now I have gotten decent blocks of sleep, I feel more myself. I did have a breakthrough on of the stories but I still don't feel like working on them at the moment.

#BlogLife270 - Dear L

I'm sorry that I don't have it in me to talk just yet. I don't want you to worry or feel bad, it's just hard to explain.

You see when someone makes me feel bad, I think about the other times that people made me feel unsafe.

I don't know why this time is different but somehow, a lot of memories are just coming up, one after the other and it's just too much to deal with.

I thank you for your patience and kindness. I'm just a bit messed up at the moment and I can't seem to get back to how I was.

This is why I tend to disappear for a while and not say anything because I'm just trying to make sense of it, or just take a break from feeling like I am too lost, unhappy, depressed and scared.

I'm trying to focus on a couple of stories but I'm struggling to write these happy funny stories because I feel burdened with ghosts from the past.

I don't know how to say it and make it clear. It's like being followed around by a phantom and this being is shouting abuse and calling me names and it won't leave me alone, it won't disappear, it won't stop pursuing me.

I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I just don't have the strength to talk. I would never just cast you aside, as though you didn't matter to me.

But having space to myself, this is my coping mechanism, this is how I start to feel better. This and music.

It's helping but I keep thinking about bad experiences and every time I feel better, some other painful thought comes into my head and it's making me step back.

You're in my thoughts and I hope that you and hubby are well and finding things to smile about.

I'll be back but not yet. I have to look after myself.

Take care

(((((hugs)))))