#BlogLife801 - Disappearing from realty..

Well turns out I could have had a lay in. UC cancelled today's appointment, without informing me at all. I was dreading dealing with the nasty advisor.

That's a relief, however just as I felt some peace of mind, my anxiety went through the roof, when it mentioned that the next meeting, is a video call on the 7th January.

Yeesh I thought I would have had more time off than a further 2 weeks.

I've never done a video call in my life, I'm sure the camera on my laptop, is deactivated and the same for my phone.

I really hope that was a mistake. I wouldn't know how to unblock, yeesh why can't something be straightforward.

Why not just a regular bloody phone appointment? I would rather cut my trip short than do that.

To further pile on to this nonsense of a life, I looked at my Paypal, logged in and saw the statement, they didn't email me to say it was done.

I don't know if this is from the first request or the second but it's identical to the other one, with no running balance.

She will not accept it so for the third time I will have to call Paypal, Jeez!!!

Weirdly this one was only 92 pages. I can't deal with this incompetence right now, I just wanted to vent.

I'm going to do the advents, have some pakoras for brekkie and game to unwind.

You're only allowed a certain number of reports, I wonder what happens after that?

Hmm I just did a bit of Googlying, I don't think the rolling balance is even possible to do, hence why Paypal are not providing it.

You know what. I'm just going to send off, the one I requested. Then when she gets back to me, I'll explain it.

I requested it twice, the first time it didn't appear. The second time I had to look for it.

I read forums and Googylied it. There was no instructions. When I manually tried, there was an invalid date range error message.

According to Reddit, lots of people are in the same boat, panicking and being told it's not Paypal policy to do it.

Again she has the complete transaction history, anything else is unnecessary.

It's literally a witch-hunt!

I'm going to focus on the positive. I have something to send off before I leave, I can pop into the Bank and take some money out.

I didn't have to speak to the horrid advisor today. I'm officially on a Christmas break for two weeks.

I'm going to check the bus app tomorrow, well all weekend to check it is going all the way into Town.

Then at least I would have tried something. I feel very out of my depth here.

It's not going according to plan and it's all up in the air. I don't know how to fix this and make it end for good and release the tension that's building up.

I hate being stuck in limbo land. I see a problem and just want to fix it and move on.

I'm holding off from contacting Paypal, maybe this is what she wanted. Maybe the report is fine?

Who knows? I think I need a miracle. I still haven't been in contact with the randoms and nobody has reached out.

I can't say it matters. I've been preoccupied and I think I'm avoiding any potential confrontations.

Last time me and T spoke, there was friction and I feel like he should have given me a heads up and said, I'm a lil sensitive at the moment so now isn't a good time to talk.

Instead of lashing out. As that's what I do, I retreat and unravel the mystery of why I'm upset and who or what is causing it.

I should write some blog fiction or maybe a CrazySelfTherapy.

I'm not sure what would help. I'm not sure why I can't end this post, it doesn't seem there is anything left to say.

I don't know if I'll suddenly be inspired when I'm away and can take a breath.

Maybe the Christmas story maybe published in January? Maybe I'll be really irresponsible and start yet another short story that will never get finished?

I'm disappointed in myself. I had a lot of time to finish it but zero interest.

I actually do like the plot and characters but all I can focus on, is that I'm too boring, too hopeless to finish it.

Reading was such magical escapism when I was lil and throughout my teens and twenties.

Life was difficult. I was this insecure outsider. I tried to connect with people and in some ways I did but it just didn't seem enough.

I wasn't compelling enough to be friends with or to be cherished.

That's probably one reason I stopped trying to give a part of myself away, it was usually neglected.

I would sit up in bed, with the lamp on. My back pressed against the headboard, snugly wrapped in the covers.

Knees up or down and get lost in that world. Hours and hours would fly by and I would be in heaven.

Nothing could touch me. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't depressed. I was just content and soaring into this fictional world.

Is it possible, that I want to do that for someone else? Take them away from any nightmares or cruelties that life throws at them?

I didn't really think of that before now, however I think that's when my eyes shone and coupled with the imaginative dreams I have.

I thought, what if I could recreate that world? For someone to get immersed in.

A safe happy lil bubble world, even if it was short and temporary.

Could I do that, one day?? As a lil girl, I probably shrugged and thought no way.

No matter how preposterous it sounded, it always stayed with me though.

I hoped that one day, I would have the courage, to unlock my voice and try.

Back to the present day, I somehow managed it and you can too :)