#BlogLife795 - Less moi

I'm back to feeling stressed and having really hellish nightmares about death and pain.

I feel unsettled even though this is my favourite time of the month, winter, blankie, Christmas looming around the corner..

We've got yet another landlord representative that wants to introduce themselves and make nicey nicey.

The problem is, they are akin to lawyers, they don't do anything they promise and just actly viciously and are full of judgements.

On Wednesday there is a meet and greet, I don't think it's mandatory and the last thing I want to do is sit across from my neighbours, who have no manners and think, stealing post, treating me like a concierge and spousal abuse is normal.

I've got to say though for the past few weeks or months, I haven't heard any domestics, which makes a change.

I just want to be left alone to cope with my declining health in peace.

Some good things on the horizon, Mama sorted me out a lift at a reduced rate but it's on Christmas Eve, so I've told her, that if it doesn't work out, I'll not be joining her this year.

For one it will be double or triple the fare from a taxi company and for two, they would all be booked up.

I didn't realise I had put money aside, so I can afford the fares, just about, although the tax break I was getting is now cancelled and that was £400 maybe.

You'll have to forgive me but as this month is so busy, I don't want to pressure myself to blog every day.

If there is something pressing, I'll share but if not, blogs maybe few and far between.

I have the advents, the UC commitments, the stories although, I don't think the Christmas one will be ready, I'm too frazzled.

I'm not sleeping that much and more than ever, I want to switch off and am counting down the days, when I can just be free.

I want to say see you mid January but that seems harsh..

#BlogLife477 - Ode to Whispered Distraction/Corey

This is dedicated to Whispered Distraction/Corey who had a Youtube channel and emptied it out.

He was kind enough to warn us that he was taking a break and I don't know if Corey is his real name so I don't tend to use it.

This was three months ago and because he removed all of his videos. I personally don't think he is going to return.

Admitting you need a timeout has to be a lil easier than saying goodbye forever or I'm starting over afresh with an audience that doesn't know me.

And which of whom I won't feel vulnerable around because they don't have any inkling of what I go through..

Youtube channels come and go and most I couldn't care less about but his was my favourite and I didn't realise it, until he disappeared.

To obliterate all your work must have been a decision he wrestled with because I have seen a lot of dead channels who keep their videos up, they just don't upload anymore.

I've mentioned this before that I've been tempted to do the same and I know it's not fair to the audience/the readers/the fans that have supported and been there through the journey...

But sometimes it's healthier to step back and do what is best for yourself as a creator of content.

I certainly don't blame him for stepping away. I do genuinely miss his uploads and friendly demeanor.

We would have mini chats in the comment section and he always managed to make me laugh or smile and I think I did the same because under his farewell message, he only hearted my comment.

Some times you want to talk but at the same time, you don't. You want people around and then again, want to be alone.

It probably sounds confusing and I'm sorry about that but reserved people such as myself have a hard time sharing and opening up.

At the moment, I'm going through something and I'm not even sure I want to divulge it at all.

My brain just has to sit with it and process it and maybe afterwards, then again maybe never.....

I guess I'm saying appreciate the people around you because you never know when they will up and leave.

If I do ever decide to delete this blog, I hope I'm as courageous as he was and able to write a farewell message before I leave.

I'm not planning to do that but sometimes I feel overwhelmed. The writing never stops and I feel empty and as though I would be easily forgotten.

We would all like to be impactful and make a lasting impression.

The tiredness isn't just physical, it's emotional too. I feel other bloggers can connect more with people and that's why they have a cult following which is great for them.

I grew up struggling to find myself, to communicate and that has left a lasting result because there are so many barriers I've put up, it's near impossible to let go and be completely open.

I'm in retreat mode at the moment and trying to heal myself. I'm not sure how long it's going to last but I'm kinda of enjoying the solitude of not explaining myself and just able to be..

Not judged, not explaining myself, not fed up with being misunderstood, just quiet and contemplative.

I just realised it's the lack of support also. When you have to bear the brunt of whatever disaster is coming or that you're dealing with alone, it's excruciating.

There's no air, there's no comfort, there is no-one reassuring you that it's going to improve.

It's just this heavy suffocating storm cloud above you that is looming closer and closer and there is no way to combat it or lessen it, until it engulfs you completely.

I am left drowning with no-one to throw a life jacket out to me, that's what stress and depression is to me.

It takes over my life and saps all the energy away.

#BlogLife66 - How do accolades make you truly feel?

I mean I am sure I have gotten them before but today somehow it was different, as though it was the first time someone stood up and acknowledged me.

They said something along the lines of.... 

"You do realise what good work you are doing right?"

I don't know why that struck me so hard. I half smiled and half thought huh so that is what is bugging me. Most of the time I don't feel appreciated.

I hear the words Thank you but it is as though it is being said automatically without the sentiment behind it.

I am not referring to the people I am supporting or the organisation that hired me, they are sincerely grateful and I take that on board.

I am referring to friends/family who expect me to drop everything when I'm occupied. My time and energy is redirected elsewhere and yet I stop and assist them.

I did have good friends and people that were there but I still never felt really heard. It was although a timer was counting down.

"Come on, come on.. 

I can only spare a few seconds.. 

Sorry what did you say? 

I didn't get that. 

I'm kinda busy with...

Sorry I have to dash......."

My favourite line was always.... "I promise, we'll catch up soon." It never did quite arrive and I can only chase a friendship for so long before I wonder what the hell am I trying to keep it alive for?

It's clearly dead. I am not sure if I will do it but I am thinking of taking a blog break. Maybe a week of no writing. I don't know if I will still post BookLife. 

I have posts saved and written but I am just not in the mood to be here. I feel dissatisfied once again. I could start again. Delete this blog and reinvent myself.

Delete the Facebook and Twitter profiles I set up also. Completely disappear. That is quite tempting. I am not looking for pity or attention.

I am just airing my thoughts and there is a lot of unrest in my head.

Goodbye for now.

SS

**1/6 Update**

I thought I would just take time out and take a breath, do some beauty treatments and have time for myself without worrying about the books or the blog.

Also entertaining you lot. I'm still fond of you but having this moment to myself was exhilarating. I didn't realise how stressed and agitated I had become.

I definitely needed this and there is a whole load of posts waiting to be published that you will receive each day. 

I hope you've been well and enjoying some fabulous sunshine and warmth or out discovering new blogs or reading some of my old posts, you've never noticed before..

I can't find a template that represents me, all of me. I have settled on this one for now as it uses non caucasian models and uses a musical/dancing theme.

Plus the purple colour is cute and everything lays out without me having to tinker with it. I suppose I want an angry/vulnerable woman, not girl.

Non white, that loves music and being creative, with splashes of bright colours, who isn't a party animal but is more of a solo artist.

Now is that too much to ask?? :D Evidently it is!

Thank you to those that were curious and checked out Faithless Pursuit. I appreciate it but the reads tapered off so I won't be publishing anymore.

It's still on Wattpad so if you want to continue on, there is where you will find it. As for the complete removal of the commentaries you'll have to check out the next blog, or the one after that, to discover why.....