#BlogLife973 - Am I crazy yet?

Oof it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed as it's soo cold.

I texted P he should carry me to the thermostat ha. He programmes his via text.

There's probably a way to do that but if I tried, would probably mess up the boiler so not going to bother.

I forgot to mention this yesterday, I finally discovered where that original coffee/sandwich too good to go place is located.

The one with the shocking hygiene rating, it's just before the turn in to the market.

The strange thing with that place is, it's very highly rated but the risk of food poisoning is too great, plus too awkward to get too.

Also I don't know if I've lost it completely but the bakery that used to be next to the pedicure place has mysteriously moved across the street..

Why on earth would you do that? I was going to pop in because I needed desserts and snacks and suddenly it's not conveniently located.

It's not near the bus stop and is not near a crossing. I could walk a bit but it's not worth it.

Maybe they are expanding and that place is bigger? But there store seemed huge anyway..

Also it no longer looks like a bakery, more like a furniture store, perhaps they haven't fully switched over?

Very strange. No mention of a re-opening either. Or notice of a move?!

People are odd, wouldn't they just lose their customer base? I'd assume they had closed down, not relocated.

Today I thought I would get up, put the heating on and maybe fall back asleep.

It was on for hours and didn't make any difference, I was still freezing.

There's no point disturbing my sleep then, once I open my eyes, that's usually it, can't get back to sleep, unless it was a rough night.

I'm still feeling that morning sickiness but the binaural beats helps.

Eek I just got a big scare.The groceries were due from 10amish..

And I woke at 8ish but didn't get out of bed or put on my contact lens and then at 9am, loud buzzing.

It was Iceland, yeesh scared me. I had to quickly let them into the main door and then ask Who is it?

But when he answered, usually the same guy, he apologised and said running early, sorry to wake you.

Ugh my hair was sticking up. I hadn't brushed or washed my face, yuckity.

Weirdly enough he handed me some letters, why don't people re-post, like I do?

I'm sure there is one from the Witch. I got some new things to try so will do foodie reviews later.

I don't know why I was immaturely ignoring my post. I think I said to myself, enough is enough, sick of being harassed.

But it's the government, can't exactly say stop bullying me. They will do what they like.

It's too early to munch but there are some new foodie videos to watch from Kbd and Greeno Eats.

The Gary Eats channel has formed a new collaboration. I think he got bored of solo reviews and teamed up.

He couldn't abandon his original channel as it's so popular, he claims that he was going to stop altogether because he's mature and it's too much....

I think that's a lie because he's given himself more work, hosting two channels...

That makes no sense. My fear, he wants to slowly kill off the orginal channel and get everyone to migrate over.

It doesn't have the same magic or cosiness to me. I've seen some of the new stuff but it doesn't seem as appealing.

If he was gonna to work with anyone, I would have preferred it was Greeno.

But it's his life and he can do whatever he likes to feel lighter and fulfilled.

I cleaned the laptop over the weekend, there was nonstop flies, even more so than in summer, very irritating.

I promised myself as soon as Monday came I would open the letters so that's what I will do.

Plus I didn't realise the idiot UC advisor, instead of giving me the usual fortnight appointment, as the last one was last week.

He's given me one for tomorrow, I have to hustle and do the specified applications and somehow upload it.

Also the bloody landlord gas thing has said Oh are you free tomorrow?

Noooo, I'm busy, yeesh, well I've read the letter and it's more DWP questions so I will answer as best as I can.

I don't think I need to send anymore statements. The theory is right that they have the information and answers but just want to continue harassing me.

It just keeps saying the decision maker, needs more details but they know everything, so why keep asking?

Maybe it's a good thing I'm out tomorrow, I won't have to specifically go out for one thing, I can multi task.

I'll post it tomorrow. Gosh that took ages and he didn't even give me the upload link, what a twit.

Only one was available the other was filled, oops. I'm shattered.

It's 3pm and only now I have time to eat, except no real appetite.

But I need to munch, I'm frozen. I don't know if the boiler is fritzing again.

I've had it on all day and it is working but it just seems low and it's the same with the blankie.

Both are really high, I'm shivering. Anyway, I'm heating up some pasta bolognese.

I can't be bothered to do the toasties. Almost everything is done, just need to fill in the form.

Again apologies for the irregular posting but I just can't seem to get my head right.

The more I push myself to write, the harder it becomes until my brain goes on strike and evaporates.

Next month will be the advents, there is very lil time as it is.

The microwave just pinged, time to munchy..

#BlogLife477 - Ode to Whispered Distraction/Corey

This is dedicated to Whispered Distraction/Corey who had a Youtube channel and emptied it out.

He was kind enough to warn us that he was taking a break and I don't know if Corey is his real name so I don't tend to use it.

This was three months ago and because he removed all of his videos. I personally don't think he is going to return.

Admitting you need a timeout has to be a lil easier than saying goodbye forever or I'm starting over afresh with an audience that doesn't know me.

And which of whom I won't feel vulnerable around because they don't have any inkling of what I go through..

Youtube channels come and go and most I couldn't care less about but his was my favourite and I didn't realise it, until he disappeared.

To obliterate all your work must have been a decision he wrestled with because I have seen a lot of dead channels who keep their videos up, they just don't upload anymore.

I've mentioned this before that I've been tempted to do the same and I know it's not fair to the audience/the readers/the fans that have supported and been there through the journey...

But sometimes it's healthier to step back and do what is best for yourself as a creator of content.

I certainly don't blame him for stepping away. I do genuinely miss his uploads and friendly demeanor.

We would have mini chats in the comment section and he always managed to make me laugh or smile and I think I did the same because under his farewell message, he only hearted my comment.

Some times you want to talk but at the same time, you don't. You want people around and then again, want to be alone.

It probably sounds confusing and I'm sorry about that but reserved people such as myself have a hard time sharing and opening up.

At the moment, I'm going through something and I'm not even sure I want to divulge it at all.

My brain just has to sit with it and process it and maybe afterwards, then again maybe never.....

I guess I'm saying appreciate the people around you because you never know when they will up and leave.

If I do ever decide to delete this blog, I hope I'm as courageous as he was and able to write a farewell message before I leave.

I'm not planning to do that but sometimes I feel overwhelmed. The writing never stops and I feel empty and as though I would be easily forgotten.

We would all like to be impactful and make a lasting impression.

The tiredness isn't just physical, it's emotional too. I feel other bloggers can connect more with people and that's why they have a cult following which is great for them.

I grew up struggling to find myself, to communicate and that has left a lasting result because there are so many barriers I've put up, it's near impossible to let go and be completely open.

I'm in retreat mode at the moment and trying to heal myself. I'm not sure how long it's going to last but I'm kinda of enjoying the solitude of not explaining myself and just able to be..

Not judged, not explaining myself, not fed up with being misunderstood, just quiet and contemplative.

I just realised it's the lack of support also. When you have to bear the brunt of whatever disaster is coming or that you're dealing with alone, it's excruciating.

There's no air, there's no comfort, there is no-one reassuring you that it's going to improve.

It's just this heavy suffocating storm cloud above you that is looming closer and closer and there is no way to combat it or lessen it, until it engulfs you completely.

I am left drowning with no-one to throw a life jacket out to me, that's what stress and depression is to me.

It takes over my life and saps all the energy away.

#BlogLife224 - Can you give yourself asmr?

I can give myself asmr by rubbing a gloop of grainy scrub in my fingertips or sliding my fingers over my headphones and hearing that wipey/glidey sound that I find relaxing.

No idea why but frictiony or beauty sounds put me at ease. It's weird that most artists started watching asmr before starting their own channels but now are asmr immune.

I think it's more about the de-stressing vibes that the content provides. Asmr is sound effects like tapping, gum chewing, weather, whispering.

I'm not a fan of tapping sounds because it's grating on my nerves and whispering is basically the same as you can't hear it properly even with the volume maxed up.

I don't know if it is the quality of the headphones but there must be a way to speak in a gentle manner and still be coherent.

I've got a whole playlist of Youtube, a mix of talking and non but only a handful of them, can I listen from start to finish without fast forwarding some of the unpleasant sounds.

It's either too quiet in places or there are loud noises thrown into a peaceful video, which throw off the relaxation...

I had a good weekend, during the week I was feeling a bit stressy and stiff so I gave myself a 30 minute massage with the cushion, got some decent sleep and now I feel refreshed.

I don't feel tired for once and the creative juices are once again flowing.

I think I just needed to vent and do some pampering to put me at ease and it worked :)

I hope your week is going smoothly. See you tomorrow, hopefully.

Oh I've also been watching Youtube vlogs and mukbangs but I prefer when the eating is in a more natural setting, where it's just a part of the day and they are talking normally, not hyping it up for the camera.

#BlogLife136 - Are you a thirsty commentator?

I'm just going to take YouTube as an example because I use that multiple times a day for music and my asmr subscriptions.

I like reading the regular comments, sometimes I miss things but good heavens the thirsty ones make me cringe. 

I mean some male/female artists actively play up to it and thrive on them while others are more polite but in different. 

Perhaps they feel with all the variety they need an edge? To get noticed and surge forwards? I know if it were me I'd leave comments disabled.

As much as I would crave feedback and general banter on my videos. The sleaze would infuriate and disgust me. 

If I had lovingly taken the time to pour my heart and create heartfelt soothing content, only to hear things like.. 

"Wow you're hot" 

"Your body is on fire" 

"I wish you were mine, please wear something tight" 

Instead of more natural responses like... 

"Thank you so much, that made sense. I feel soooo chilled." 

Or.. 

"I'm amazed at how you put those sounds together, it was like my brain was releasing all my tension" 

But it never changes and occasionally it puts me off adding my own spin, for fear it comes across as flirting or sleazy. Ickity!!!! 

To me it is just the opposite of showing appreciation. Its not a compliment. 

It's unsavoury. If you really want to show some support, then recognise the effort put in and highlight your favourite aspect of it but that's just how I think as someone passionate about their content... 

You may feel differently... 

White noise

I was listening to a no-talking asmr video and it just left me feeling really relaxed and then I decided to open up my wattpad story and see if I felt inspired, well no sooner had I clicked on the chapter the words just started flowing and ideas were resurfacing.

I can't listen to music or hear talking as that is too distracting while I'm concentrating but soothing sounds are just the perfect noises to get me de-stressed and creative.

I've actually just finished the chapter I was struggling with and seemed to have blocked myself into. 

I am explaining more of her back story and now will have to set up another betrayal or two, bring the villain out of hiding and finalise the different confrontations and then book one will finally be finished.

I am going to finish it before the year is out. I am going to crack on with book number two and make a dent in it. 

Lastly from somewhere inwards I am going to find the courage to share it after it is done and let the world love or hate it, These are my goals. I can do it. I will do it.