#BlogLife106 - Crazy Self Therapy 5

Hey Doc, I'm back. It's been a few months and it's the same up and downess it always is but I'm just tired of it. I feel like my back is up and I am once more cautious.

It just seems like the danger comes from people I know rather than strangers. I should be able to trust and rely on them but I cannot.

I am so sick and tired of building my self esteem up, only for someone to come and walk all over me again as though I am nothing in their eyes!

It's like I stand up straight and puff out my chest and finally start feeling good about myself and my accomplishments and someone just points at me and sneers..

Or worse still they treat me as though I don't matter and are not worth their time. I am struggling once more to feel happy about myself.

Every single time I encourage myself to open up and give a piece of me away, it's just treated with contempt.

What on earth is the point of trying to connect or trusting someone or trying at all when I get the same feedback??

I need to regroup and strengthen my high walls again because I am at the point where I believe them again.

What if they are right about me?

What if it really is better that I don't communicate?

What if I am a nobody?

What if my words, insights, feelings and thoughts are inconsequential and are not worth caring about?

Alright you shared a lot today and that was commendable but here is my take on it. I understand why you are feeling this way.

We have been through a long tough road together and the different pitfalls of all your combined family/friends/romantic relationships haven't always been healthy..

However I still maintain we have made significant progress on that front. There have been times, where you have made the effort and it has paid off.

Do what you need to get back to feeling worthwhile but in the meantime, just think carefully before you burn all of your bridges.

Either way I am on your side and will support any decision you make. It is acceptable to cry. Everyone is devalued at times and it is part of life to feel lost and alone.

Although nobody has the right to make you feel that way! Before we end this session, you are going to list your highlights in front of me.

1. Composed a book all by myself and then completed it.

2. Had a dream and book 2 was born and I am writing it out.

3. Started volunteering and I reach people that at times, others do not.

4. Experimented with a lot of platforms until I found a home on Blogger.

5. Learned to cut and style my own hair.

6. Took a chance and let others in and made friends/acquaintances.

7. Transitioned into a healthier state by becoming a teetotalist. Avoiding excess salt/sugar and trying out more vegan/vegetarian alternatives.

8. Removed toxic/wishy-washy people from my life.

9. Winning fabulous prizes in competitions ranging from Money/Giftcards/Mobiles/Premiere Tickets/Hampers.

10. Saving a fortune by bargain hunting, negotiating and product testing high quality items that I get to keep and benefit from using.

11. Prioritising my safety by avoiding physical/emotional situations that involve bullies and danger.

12. Surviving everything that I have been through and continue to battle. PTSD, health, confidence crisis, verbal attacks, belittling and being ignored.

You're right Doc, I feel a whole lot better! I am a somebody and although I may not be conventionally normal. I am a smart, tough cookie who can make it through anything!

:)

#BlogLife81 - Today has been weird

I feel very strange today because my messages have been abundant first an old friend got in touch to check in and then Dr K did.

My comfort level is to retreat and not be the one to speak out because mostly when I do, there is silence.

Was it a test to see if I would respond? There has been no reply back so maybe it was.

I have very little time to dwell on it as I have the volunteering and I was having a conversation with Dr K but instead of me being the focus..

I turned it around on him and thought it would be nice to check up and see how he was doing for a change. He does a lot for me and others so I wanted to do it.

When people are upbeat and always positive sometimes it is hard to recognise when deep down they are troubled.

That is the way he comes across, as though he wouldn't burden someone. I figured just by being gentle, he might be alright with it.

I just asked how he was doing? And he answered and said he appreciated it. 

Looking back with my ranting and unease maybe he figured I wouldn't stick with the volunteering and just drop out entirely.

Which I don't blame him for thinking as I contemplated it a few times but ultimately just thought, take a break and see.

Each time I did. I missed being there for someone who had no-one on their side.

I see how the conversations evolve from that person being emotional to having a complete turn around.

I did that, me. I still can't see myself as significant though. I can see others like Dr K as making a difference and enhancing lives.

I just don't ever see myself as someone that impacts others. I dismiss the praise, compliments or gratitude.

I wonder if I will always feel this way??

#BlogLife79 - Uncreative sparks (mature audiences only)

For the past couple of days I haven't felt really imaginative. I don't feel unhappy although the pmt is making me extra sleepy and just when I want to rest more..

I just feel even more awake. That isn't helping and I have had cramps off and on but all that I can deal with. I just wish I felt more ideas flowing through me.

Yesterday was a dud day. I didn't feel like I accomplished much so today I turned it around and achieved a lot more so much so that I forgot to eat.

I am just sliding a pizza in the oven now. Just between you and me I met someone new and he is too entertaining for my liking. Why is that an issue?

The reason is, he and I text practically nonstop and there are even calls when he has priorities and I do too but we just seem to make the time for it.

I don't bump into someone new and think yes, yes, yes. I think let's wait and see who he will turn out to be. I reserve what I can and sprinkle snippets into the conversation.

I see how he reacts and if he takes an interest or delves deeper into it. I told him about the blog and the books and he wanted to peruse them and I declined.

Then time passed and I thought. I feel just fine about it so I offered the links and shrugged. It will always be difficult to offer up a piece of myself.

However despite twinges of unease. I didn't feel pressured or obligated to share it. I realised that throughout our time, he actually asks more personal questions than I do.

Not intruding things. I mean more like get to know you, enquiries. I deferred the ones that I wasn't comfortable with and revealed the rest.

But I am usually the talker. The one trying to unearth someone, even though most of the time I don't get very far. This time I guess he took the lead.

To be honest, I'm not mad about it. I'm kinda thrilled about it because whether or not he is just playing me or collecting information to use against me..

I feel like it is preparing me to be more open in the future. I will eventually find out if his motives are pure in any case. I always do.

So far there has only been one thing disturbing me. Another thing that is unusual is I can tell him stuff without feeling any sort of regret. I've explored my feelings and admitted a fair bit.

It's not really typical of me and the more I do it, the happier and more content and secure I feel. As though it unlocks a part of me that I judged myself for feeling.

I think growing up in a conservative religious family screwed up my head about a lot of things. It was sinful and wrong and not what a good girl does or feels.

There is a whole classic element that if you act a certain way, you get called a certain thing but if you reclaim it and say, you know what, actually that thing I like feeling, doing, saying..

It isn't bad, it isn't unhealthy. It is just something I like. It's normal. Some like this, I like that. I never kinda questioned it this deeply before.

But I suppose through talking to someone non judgemental and who supports and frequently compliments me and makes me feel safe.

I got thinking about all of it. That I shrug things off and forget that I ever said them and deny them later when in fact I knew exactly what I was saying.

Also not having healthy relationships and dating such awful men did not make me feel secure about telling them anything about my own actual desires.

I realised I focused solely on them and my voice once more disappeared and they were happy with that because they didn't care about me, they cared I was female, that was it.

The few men that I did confide in didn't see that I have to choose to be that way. They can't make me bend to their will or have my focus on them entirely.

I have to make the decision to be how I want but when I want too. Not for them and just because I will be acting or saying certain things, does not mean it's a 24-7 deal.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't I sometimes act in a way that makes me feel fulfilled and then other times just be like my more usual self??

The one thing I know for damn sure is that everything to do with me will be on my own terms, not theirs. It's my life and it is my body!

#BlogLife77 - Being on the other side

I'm sure I mentioned that I have used the Supporter chat as a member to see what it would be like to have someone there for me as a change.

I only used it twice and it was a mixed experience. The first one it was more curiosity to see how it all unfolded and how other people approached it.

It was nice and I felt less nervous and more included as part of the group. I then just stepped up my introduction and was set.

The second one was not so good. I don't quite recall the reason but I was feeling rough, alone, upset and vulnerable.

I said that I wanted to vent out my frustrations and the person agreed and I did but it was as though the person went off to do something else.

There was pure silence, no words of.. Uh huh, I hear you, I'm listening, nothing at the other end so instead of feeling better and comforted, it highlighted to me once more, how alone I am in the world.

I could have done without feeling worse about myself. It put me off to be honest and I broke down, did what I usually do to make myself feel better and retreated from everyone and everything.

I know that there are good people doing this role and that they help but I am not looking to be fixed, just as usual, heard. That's it, that was the only thing I needed.

Just a tiny bit of comfort in my emotionally/physically taxing world that is almost too much to bear at times.

But no matter because I know I am the best person to take care of me as I have been doing it all of my life.

For everything else there is my randoms/acquaintances/dollfaces :D

#BlogLife76 - Alone but not lonely

I've had many people ask me the same question. They always approach me and say I'm so bored living by myself.

"Don't you get lonely at all?"

I always kinda look at them sideways, shrug and say nope. I love being in my own world. There is an immense freedom and safety about it.

I am just constantly working on myself, trying to be imaginative and kookie and find a balance between being productive and de-stressing.

It isn't always easy to do that with noone keeping tabs on me but then at the same time, it makes me step up and say, alright now.

You had fun catching up with a tv show, now it's time to act responsible again.

I'm constantly switching between BlogLife, writing fiction and other priorities so my day is packed.

I don't feel left behind as such. I just feel the strain of supporting/picking myself up.

I do occasionally miss the company of men but only for chit chat sake. I found with friends, family and acquaintances there was indifference but with males..

For that moment I am their sole focus so they tend to pay attention and ask follow up questions. I don't get that with anyone else.

I mean they aren't all perfect listeners but they do listen..

I suppose the only downside to being by myself is that I have had many falls and injuries where I was immobilised and couldn't do anything.

It is kinda scary and those times I guess I wished there was somebody around but typically I just manage the best way I can and make it through.

#BlogLife72 - I'm here for you S (fiction)

I look at you and then avert my eyes away. How was my day? It was alright but drained the life out of me. 

It wasn't anything I couldn't handle but somehow it just bothered me because the issues annoyed me and I couldn't make the difference in swallowing my irritation.

I know I'm not there to say pretty little phrases and be agreeable but straight talking with brick walls was no picnic. I challenged opinions and it did not go down well.

I got my first bad reviews. I don't really think that affects me because although I should have been more tactful. I asked probing questions and was not a yes person or an agree-because-you-clearly-need-me-too.

I take your hand and lay out on your chest on the sofa and you hold me tight automatically without me asking you.

I guess it wasn't even bad, technically it was average but meh. The funny thing was the same people, almost immediately requested me again.

Hah, fat chance. Even if I wasn't already in a chat, I still wouldn't have taken it. I think because I am older, immaturity annoys me.

I want to shake some of them and say act your age. This isn't a hand holding session. I'm not a robot. I'm not here to dictate a short term fix. 

I'm saying open your bloody eyes and stop burying your head in the sand because it's going to get so much worse. (One bites one's tongue and doesn't actually say that).

I don't tolerate your wallowing/whiny attitude because it isn't assisting you to recover and move on. I have no patience with you if you refuse to continue imploding your life.

If you try and make the effort, then I can certainly show you a better way to cope and healthier tools to make your transition smoother.

But I will not pander to your unrealistic dreams. How would me lying to you help you grow up? I offer you an alternative perspective, what you choose to do with it, is your decision.

I trace my hands around your chest, making small circles and peek up at you to see if you are still alive.

I melt when I see your face grin at me, especially as you waggle your eyebrows suggestively. It never fails to crack me up.

But this is not a seduction, this is a rant session. I lay my head back down on your smooth chest and tell you that, there isn't any other place I would want to be.

I guess I feel exceptionally cruel as sometimes I have to assert these boundaries for the good of the people so they don't become reliant on me or anyone just constantly building up their confidence.

Life isn't like that, there are mean people in the world and you have to toughen up to survive.

I won't always be around..

I feel you stroke my hair and say the words I need..

I am here for you and always will be.

You don't have to be obligated to those that you don't mesh with. You can pass them on. It doesn't matter if they have to explain it all to someone new.

Let someone else take the burden away.

Lastly can you stop dribbling/drooling on my top please because you are sleeping in it tonight and I'm not holding a wet tshirt contest.....Or am I?

I roll my eyes and hit you with a cushion, you're such a perv- mwah but a great kisser Monsier...

X

#BlogLife70 - You really think you have what it takes? Update

I am getting a lil sick and tired of people thinking that anyone can be a supporter and it is easy breezy work. Newsflash it isn't. 

You have to be patient, sympathetic, understanding and empathetic all at once. You have to curb your instincts to give advice or shout. 

You have to possess an extremely high tolerance for the repeat offenders who range from saying very little to those that drain the life out of you.

Then you have to deal with people that attack you, insult you, take you for fools and those that goad you because they just know they can get away with it, time and time again.

You also have to deal with people that need you to say the right thing, for them to open up and be comfortable. Now that time has passed and I have gone from doubting myself to consistently being really good.

I can say that I have a natural affinity for this work. I've been doing it all my life, so it doesn't feel like a job. It's natural. I have one second of.....

"What the hell do I say?"

And then everything clicks into place and my brain can just relay the almost perfect thing that person needs to hear. I don't have a 100% success rate but I am pretty close.

Someone I know heard about what I do and thinks it is the perfect role for them. Pffft. Seriously? I mean do you have rocks in your head?

Did someone hit you with a sledgehammer repeatedly? You have no tolerance for people at all. You are without patience or kindness.

You don't possess any feeling whatsoever. Your life revolves around your needs, not the desires of others. Yet you think, you can do what I do???

Hah!!! That is a joke! How would you deal with someone telling you..

"Go to hell."

"You can't help me, you can't even help yourself."

"I don't like you. I prefer anyone on earth rather than you!"

"Do the world a favour and shut your trap."

You wouldn't!!! You would snap in five seconds and verbally/physically want to assault them. You would take it extremely personally and see it as a character assassination because you deem yourself to be perfect.

Why else would you never improve or reflect back on past transgressions and not fix or vow to do better?

Again to clarify, noone has said any of the above to me but I have had confrontations and dealt with them accordingly and I am someone that doesn't like being backed into a corner. 

I guess my point is think twice before embarking on this type of role if you cannot even be respectful to those around you. You have no business even contemplating a vocation like this.

There is a reason this position has so much turn around. People leave almost immediately or sometime later because of the stress and also the technical difficulties.

Some make the critical mistakes of thinking they are there to be everyone's best friend and fixer. Nope. That isn't the job description.

The worse thing you can do is let someone in need become dependant on you. How would that help them in the long run? They need to find a way to build up their self worth without you.

Also if you are not willing to give any of yourself up to relate to someone feeling misunderstood, then do not apply. It is impossible to not share a lil of your own experiences.

I'm closed off but I have done it and do not regret it because in that moment, people have that ah-ha clarity and you see them smile and their world turns around because they see a whole new perspective.

Support, support and more support. A good day is when someone says their mood is improved. A bad day is when someone says.... This isn't working...

#BlogLife69 - The lost art of conversation

When did fun become a dirty word? Sure I would love to hang out and we can have fun together.

My thoughts... We'll laugh, do an interesting activity. Maybe grab a bite to eat, go for a walk, swap stories...

His thoughts... Sex sex sex. How soon can I get her nude? It's probably going to happen in the car because she said the magic word "fun."

I am a fun loving person, how about you? Entertain me if you think you can.

My thoughts.... I wonder if there will be any lighthearted confessions or wackiness.

His thoughts... This is it. The moment where anything she says I will turn around and make it about sex. I am so going to send her some naked photos. She is going to die......

Am I up for a fun phone chat? Of course, that is way better than texting.

My thoughts.. This will be great, we will just laugh and smile, being really goofy and sharing embarrassing tales.

His thoughts... Wow I can't believe she agreed. Phone sex is on the table. First I'll ask what she is wearing and then I'll tell her I'm in a towel and then............

What do you do for fun?

My thoughts... He'll tell me about his interests and hobbies. I wonder if he is a nerd?

His thoughts... Whoa already? She means sex. I love sex and could talk about it all day and night.

I think I have my point fairly clear. I miss the innocence of conversations where it was getting to know someone outside of the boudoir.

Perhaps I am still too old fashioned but that used to be the most fascinating part of meeting someone new. Their life story. 

Finding out what made them tick. What their dreams were? Now it is......

What do you look like?

How soon can you send me naked photos?

How soon can I send you naked photos?

When can we have phone sex?

What are you wearing?

Can I come to yours for a hook up?

*Rolls eyes* I want no part of you!

#BlogLife68 - How honest are you?

It is currently pouring down with rain in the UK and I am on the look out for a delivery. I've just washed my hair and looking at it, I never thought I would embrace a short hairstyle.

Somehow prior to this when I was forced to get it drastically trimmed, it just never looked right. I had this bit in my head thinking..

I can't pull this off. I don't have a slim face. Since then though I have seen hundreds of women looking stunning donning short do's.

The fact that I cut it myself helps immensely. I know that I have options and can wear it straight, wavy, up or down. Although I will always clip it up in some fashion.

My hair feels playable. I can mess around with it and not feel depressed it is coming out in chunks or that it has no bounce to it.

I finally heard back from the seller and I am not sure whether to believe them or not. They claimed not to have received my messages.

The tracker has now been updated to *despatched* and I am wondering if they are fibbing about the whole thing. I wonder why someone would risk their reputation like that?

I rarely leave negative feedback now, I just abstain from it completely. On my blog I am a lot more candid. I will see if it shows up and if I get sent a tracking number.

The Biore face wash is being sent and they gave me a tracking number. Which sounds good but it is for Amazon, not Ebay. I have never had that before.

How on earth does one track an order, outside of Amazon? I already tried a universal tracking place and it said it cannot do it.

Maybe they will all just show up within the normal postal route. Which is usually lunchtime. At least I can add them both to the review page, assuming they actually get delivered.

Lol and just like that I got a knock on the door and no sign of the courier but a parcel was left. It was my Biore face wash. Bahaha :D

That took just two days to arrive. It smells wonderful. I am a lil nervous but wish me luck. Woohoo my face hasn't fallen off, melted, burned or scabbed up.

I am totally safe :) I have already added it to my review page.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2021/05/bloglife60-do-these-make-me-look.html

#BlogLife67 - Goodbye Hercai/Ramo from my blog!

Whenever I am on my period I always feel melancholy. I have been feeling strange and I have been contemplating something for a very long time and today I made changes.

Once again I have modified the theme as I just loved the idea of it, the name is called *masquerade* and that is how I constantly feel.

It suits me. I just wish I could have find something more representative of who I am as a caramel skinned angry fem. At least I did not have to do any upgrades, it displays fine.

Plus it is all one glorious colour so to me it no longer appears like a mobile version of a squished blog. My favourite theme has been the white background with the female without clothes but only showing her back.

I just couldn't work out how to fit in nicely. Anyway I will just keep searching endlessly so that I can find my ideal. Now as you will notice I have removed all the Ramo/Hercai commentaries.

They were fun to write and it was a distraction from all the gritty emotional blogs that I had composed. However it was fluff.

Meaningless words that I don't want on my blog. It just distracts from everything that I am trying to build here. I want to express who I am and explore my creative writing.

The shows have ended for good now and it just seems like the perfect opportunity to delete them and I have to say, it was immensely satisfying doing it.

I have been dying to get rid of them for ages but I felt guilty as you readers loved them but all good things must be killed off. 

There are tweets on my twitter, knock yourselves out and enjoy those as a compromise.

I just didn't want my blog known for it's commentaries. There is so much more to me, than that.

I also just found the *Ramo* song that they were all dancing too. This really should have been the theme tune. I think this is the right one, it stuck in my head and I was searching for it but no luck until now..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJD3bbzXJN8&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=2

#BlogLife66 - How do accolades make you truly feel?

I mean I am sure I have gotten them before but today somehow it was different, as though it was the first time someone stood up and acknowledged me.

They said something along the lines of.... 

"You do realise what good work you are doing right?"

I don't know why that struck me so hard. I half smiled and half thought huh so that is what is bugging me. Most of the time I don't feel appreciated.

I hear the words Thank you but it is as though it is being said automatically without the sentiment behind it.

I am not referring to the people I am supporting or the organisation that hired me, they are sincerely grateful and I take that on board.

I am referring to friends/family who expect me to drop everything when I'm occupied. My time and energy is redirected elsewhere and yet I stop and assist them.

I did have good friends and people that were there but I still never felt really heard. It was although a timer was counting down.

"Come on, come on.. 

I can only spare a few seconds.. 

Sorry what did you say? 

I didn't get that. 

I'm kinda busy with...

Sorry I have to dash......."

My favourite line was always.... "I promise, we'll catch up soon." It never did quite arrive and I can only chase a friendship for so long before I wonder what the hell am I trying to keep it alive for?

It's clearly dead. I am not sure if I will do it but I am thinking of taking a blog break. Maybe a week of no writing. I don't know if I will still post BookLife. 

I have posts saved and written but I am just not in the mood to be here. I feel dissatisfied once again. I could start again. Delete this blog and reinvent myself.

Delete the Facebook and Twitter profiles I set up also. Completely disappear. That is quite tempting. I am not looking for pity or attention.

I am just airing my thoughts and there is a lot of unrest in my head.

Goodbye for now.

SS

**1/6 Update**

I thought I would just take time out and take a breath, do some beauty treatments and have time for myself without worrying about the books or the blog.

Also entertaining you lot. I'm still fond of you but having this moment to myself was exhilarating. I didn't realise how stressed and agitated I had become.

I definitely needed this and there is a whole load of posts waiting to be published that you will receive each day. 

I hope you've been well and enjoying some fabulous sunshine and warmth or out discovering new blogs or reading some of my old posts, you've never noticed before..

I can't find a template that represents me, all of me. I have settled on this one for now as it uses non caucasian models and uses a musical/dancing theme.

Plus the purple colour is cute and everything lays out without me having to tinker with it. I suppose I want an angry/vulnerable woman, not girl.

Non white, that loves music and being creative, with splashes of bright colours, who isn't a party animal but is more of a solo artist.

Now is that too much to ask?? :D Evidently it is!

Thank you to those that were curious and checked out Faithless Pursuit. I appreciate it but the reads tapered off so I won't be publishing anymore.

It's still on Wattpad so if you want to continue on, there is where you will find it. As for the complete removal of the commentaries you'll have to check out the next blog, or the one after that, to discover why.....

#BlogLife64 - When did women lose their self respect?

 *Sighs* Look I am aware that a lot of you have remained with your dignity and pride but too much of you have lost your damn minds!!

When exactly did you decide that any man was good enough, even if he treats you, like you are barely tolerable? When did you start seeing yourself as less than?

Men are never going to be my favourite people. I have been through too much. Sometimes I didn't call them out when they were treating me with contempt..

But I knew a lot of the time, it was a game. Let's see how easily, how quickly we can make her cry or burn with self loathing. I refused to play their game.

I did surprisingly stand up for myself a fair bit actually. When I look back. I hated confronting them and screaming but there was no way I was taking their insults.

I slapped them. I yelled at them. I cursed them out and I goaded them right back, pointing out their laughable characteristics. All of them, thought twice before doing it again.

They assumed they could get away with it because I was quiet and soft spoken. Wrong! I observe and scrutinise every damn word you say.

My question is for those that are being cheated on and verbally abused and treated inhumanly..... Why are you standing for it?

Worse still, why is he the hero and you are the unworthy one? When did you stop liking yourself? When did you give up and settle for trash?

"No no no no. You don't understand. Let me explain he is...."

I don't care what he is. My concern is you! Take a long look in the mirror. Replay all the hurtful evil things he has ever said to you.

Look at how your face changes. Why do you believe his untruthful words? They are lies, to keep you down and tied to him.

Go and write a list right now of all your best qualities and if you tell me, you can't think of any? I will slap you until you do. What do people admire about you?

Read the list and realise it is all correct. Those people see the real you. He doesn't. Now every day from now on, read or memorise the list and claim back your self worth!

I deserve respect

I am amazing

I have so many beautiful qualities to my personality

I am gorgeous

I am a great friend

I make people smile/laugh

I am kind and thoughtful and brave.

I love me and if I don't I will work on myself, until I do!

#BlogLife62 - The opposite to warm and fluffy..

I just did a google blog search with the word rant. There was more than I expected to see but it still doesn't feel like the normal thing to do.

Maybe it will always be the minority subject where most traditional blogs are lighthearted and more positive. I would never change my genre unless I had a lobotomy.

I cannot see that happening. I'm sorry to say that I don't think my face wash is going to show up. I ordered it since the 14th May and I know it has only been a week..

I could be being presumptuous but I have reached out twice and heard nothing back at all. That just signals to me red flags and I know I am covered by paypal protection in any case of scams.

However I am gutted because I was looking forward to trying out a new product and now I am stuck using the horrible Garnier scrub which is driving me barmy!!

On the positive side when I released my book on here. I had really low expectations. I wondered if I would get any reads at all but I got more than I thought I would.

I feel like I have reclaimed it as my own. It seems like I wrote it a million years ago and it was left on a shelf unopened. As soon as I posted it, I just felt good.

It was as though this worry I had on my mind evaporated. I know I am supposed to conform. I roll my eyes even saying that. 

When I grew up reading. I always hated the author waxing lyrical about the weather and scenery for paragraphs on end. I wanted to scream......Be quiet and get to the good stuff!!!

I promised myself if/when I ever wrote something I would never do that. I have tried not too. Maybe I haven't been descriptive enough?

I'm still not sure if I will end up editing it as I post it. I am not 100% satisfied with it. It was difficult because I was just writing it out of thin air.

I didn't have an outline really. I just had basic ideas, which I frequently deviated away from anyway. I would compose notes but I was making it up as I went and that is why I was frequently stuck for ideas.

I feel like more of a storyteller than a writer. I was never expecting to be famous and make eons of cash. I think I would probably have just liked it if whoever read it and enjoyed it, made a small donation.

But I feel uneasy asking for that because typically, the people that cannot afford it will give and the ones that actually are wealthy will not do it.

Life is expensive already so use that money for anything that gives you a bit of luxury if you can. I don't feel like my books are good enough to add a price tag to them anyway.

There was barely any traction on Wattpad because it is so huge and then the statistics page is no longer updating so at least here I can see if anyone has clicked on the page and been intrigued enough to think......Hmmm I could get into this...

#BlogLife61 - The nightmare that never ends

How are you doing today BlogFamily? It's strange how a lil innocent question can make you stop and think. Somebody checked up on me today and I can't say I'm not doing so good.

I just say I feel mixed. I am very stressed and on edge and that always without fail will manifest itself into my dreams. I felt drained so I napped and promptly woke up terrified.

I dreamt that I was falling without a safety net, harness or anything. It was just air all around me and nothingness. I did manage to fall back asleep but this feeling of anxiousness remains.

There is a person that I migrated away from but recently he offered some support so I always feel obligated to resume a very uneasy conversation.

It is so unnerving to constantly be on high alert because this person without meaning to, continually invades my boundaries. 

Today I found out he discovered something about me which I had not shared. I feel like he is pushing me to define myself. Like he needs to know personal information about me.

I have no idea how to say.... Back off please and just stop analysing me or assuming stuff about me. I really hate it and I feel I need another safe space.

I have just been avoiding him and I switched off notifications because I guess it is a normal thing to get to know one another.

But I feel like he should take the hints that I offer up and just realise he is overstepping. I guess normal people don't think twice about it.

They just say, yea ask me anything. I'll tell you this, that and the other but I see as the more I divulge, the more ammunition you have to use against me.

If I choose to tell you something, that is fine because I have thought about it previously and am comfortable with it but if you investigate me and find out things that I do not want you to know, now or ever.

Then I am weirded out by you and will probably create distance between us. I'm tired but I keep seeing horrifying images. 

Despite all the issues, I was really enjoying supporting people and to have this sudden down time is disheartening. I can just about respond to the regulars who message me.

I dare not accept a request for a live chat because of the frequent crashes. I am beginning to think they will never rectify it as it isn't profitable, just a money pit that flukily assists people.

I would love to be proved incorrect.

#BlogLife59 - Can I tell you a secret? (mature audiences only)

Look at you leaning closer thinking this is going to be another candid session. Tsk tut! Sorry to disappoint you, although I may pop one in at the end if I can think of one..

Actually the reason for the title of the post is because people just open up to me and tell me stuff and I always think........ Why the hell are you telling me this?

Now when I say people. I refer to new acquaintances that I don't know well but have exchanged back and forths with. I don't refer to my readers who are free to reach out and express anything.

Someone just told me something recently and I just laughed because frankly what do you say to that, except.... Are you being serious?

If I am in doubt of the validity of the confession. I just make a joke. I mean what are you looking for, from me? Sympathy? Praise? Attention? It is not something you share with people you barely know.

I truly do not understand that person. They said life was routine and dull but I know they could change that and help other people but actively choose otherwise. That is weird right?!

I cannot reveal exactly what I've been told as these are not my truths to share. Just trust me that these revelations are huge. The thing is, most of the time, they come out of nowhere.

There is no connection to the conversation so I always feel confused as to why it was blurted out, to me, of all people. If a reader emailed me and said..

You talked about your self esteem issues in a certain post. I can relate to that because... I would treat that with sensitivity because that was difficult to admit to anyone, let alone a stranger.

However if someone I barely talk to just tells me something life changing. I am lot less supportive and understanding as I feel that they have unburdened themselves and put it on my shoulders out of selfishness.

I don't appreciate that action. As I have daily stress of my own and I am not looking to ease anyone else's suffering. I can do it for friends or family or even as an unpaid supporter.

But when it is not quid pro quo and you get to unburden and feel lighter and I do not. I will have to show you the door. I remind you once more, we are not friends or even that close.

I had someone recently appear in my life and I thought we were progressing from acquaintanceship to friendship but then I analysed the conversations and realised...

He does not give any of himself away. I repeatedly asked questions about his day or life in general and I get the same thing each time.

"Nothing happening, just work!!!" Sooo sooo sooo uninteresting. He is added to the ignore list. I'm not looking for secrets. 

Just bloody say anything. Yeesh. Now you want to know one of my secrets? Nosey aren't you? :D

Alright here goes. I only ever told one person this. Don't judge but when I was a teenager living at home, maybe I was fifteen/sixteen..

I left a man stay over in my room. Now before you jump to conclusions. Hear me out first. Lower those raised eyebrows please.

Grins. Thank you. The situation was, we had spent the whole just hanging out and talking. He was a distraction. One of the guys I used to keep me out of the house.

It was a light new flirtyish friendship. I don't even think we kissed or did anything more than hug. Anyway hanging out with him mean't that I got a break from being scared at home and the bullying.

It was getting really late and he walked me home and asked if he could crash at mine because it was too late to take a train so I said....

There is no way in hell that is happening. My mama would kill me but I kinda felt sorry for him as he had been listening to me vent all day and he had tried his best to be supportive.

Eventually he talked me into it but I said, you gotta stay quiet and you cannot get caught. You have to leave early and there is to be no messing around.

I think he was desperate enough to agree, having said he would sleep in a park bench if I didn't consent. I made him keep his clothes on and I did the same.

I had never slept with a man before so this was unnerving, awkward and slightly terrifying. My mama tried to burst in the room but I shut the door quickly.

That was the funniest thing ever. I just said a friend was staying over and she would just bunk down here and we wouldn't make noise.

My mama was like meh sure. Whatever. If only she knew the truth........Bahaha!!! Anyway he got up to use the bathroom and he comes back saying...

Oh my goodness. I just got caught by your mama and my face was priceless. I was swearing in my head. Thinking what am I going to say??

Then he said he was kidding. If murder was quiet. I would have massacred his ass!! He did try it on, as males always do. 

He climbed on top of me and just said "Don't worry it isn't big, you won't feel it." But I pushed him off and said there was no chance that was happening.

He also tried "We should strip off to be more comfortable. I can't sleep like this and you can't either." (To be honest, I couldn't but there was no way I would admit that).

None of his tricks worked and afterwards when he left unseen in the morning. I realised I was trying to force myself to like him and be attracted but I wasn't.

Plus the fact he had tried to take advantage of my hospitality and just bulldoze his attentions on me because I couldn't loudly protest didn't escape my notice.

I just blocked him after that. I don't think I was scarred by it. I was just naive and it was a reminder to be more careful. I wish I had been in the future...

#BlogLife55 - Approaching the unapproachable

If I describe myself I would never use words like popular or self assured or untrustworthy.

I would rather just be straight forward. I am prickly, reserved and disconnected. 

It actually surprised me that although I wasn't a people person. I am pretty damn good at reaching more than half the people that request me.

I figured out why and that is because I don't or I choose not to give any or much of myself away. I can be there. I can be useful and we can brainstorm.

But I am not turning myself inside out for you and I am not giving any further reports. We are not friends or acquaintances so I am invested but not completely.

If you are curious about the ones that I don't assist? Those are the ones misusing the app for dating/flirting/hookups/lewd behaviour.

Also some bark questions or they seek advice without wanting to explore the problem. I can do my best but if you are not willing to meet me halfway and help yourself.

I cannot either...

I think one to one's are less intimidating. Although I held my own also at the mixer and cracked people up.

I just commented on areas that I had extensive experience or knowledge regarding. 

If someone needs answers I can provide that without pressure. 

I think the problem lies when someone encroaches on my personal space.

They try to get to know me and in the beginning I can accept that but then I just want to ditch them.

Without realising it, I question everything. That is when the tests play out. 

Do I think it is fair to test someone without warning them? Hmm probably not but it's accurate! 

I do not like or trust people this is why I do this to weed out anyone unsuitable. 

Here are the tests. 

Does this person listen well and retain information I've shared? 

Does this person acknowledge something vulnerable I've told them? 

Does this person initiate and maintain the correspondence? 

Does this person show me I can rely on them and be equally supported? 

Does this person give me space? 

Is this person genuine? 

Does this person understand that I will give off hints and see if they can act accordingly?

Does this person give any of themselves to me? As in, when I ask a question, do they pack details into the reply and go further into different matters?

I can't think of anything else and I would never lean on someone straight away. 

I just wonder if the option will present itself. 

I think I've had so many suffocating and disingenuous people around me that I feel lighter when I'm alone. 

There is nobody clawing at me, demanding this, that or the other. 

I'm an expert bolter. If I'm in a chatroom I can deal with flirting because that is the environment and it's hand in hand with having a laugh. 

If I am anywhere else and someone comes close and they offer friendship I can tolerate that for a while. 

However if they then start flirting and change the dynamic. I do not like it. 

It just went from a safe space to interacting in an unknown territory. 

Now I feel trapped and there is an onslaught of questions and whoever is invading my personal space keeps creeping closer. 

That is when I escape because they have done nothing to reassure me that I'm still safe and that they will respect my boundaries.

I have to feel secure. I need to be able to breathe and wander around freely.

If you are still wondering why my attitude is so extreme towards people and entanglements.. It is because each time someone turns out to be unsuitable..

It just makes me feel bad about myself. I question whether I am lovable or maybe deep down I am just a bad person that doesn't deserve to be happy.

If I feel you are temporary. I will protect myself and start to distance away from you. 

I'm not looking for lifelong friends. I'm not searching for anything to be honest.

But I know that for me to be acquaintances, the above rules apply. 

I will take every precaution to avoid being hurt. As I cannot upset the daily balancing act of my life. 

Being in constant physical pain. Wanting to shut out memories of being in danger. Not sleeping and then when I do reliving the terror of being pursued.

I can only ever give short bursts of time because that is what I am comfortable with. Anymore and I feel you will take advantage. 

Now having said all that which I do not regret. I do wholeheartedly adore you readers because by showing up and being intrigued by my crazy thoughts you support me.

Your interest tells me that it is alright to be who I am and to express anything extreme that I need to, in order for me to heal.

I adore you and I can't thank you enough. I would just like to add one last thing. Don't think for a moment it has escaped my notice, that by you enjoying all the insane posts, you are just as twisted as I am!!!!!

Pfft. I am not buying your sweet and innocent act for a moment. I know there is a lil psycho rage in all of us :D

#BlogLife54 - I am right, you are wrong

I was thinking today about the different sets of people in the world. Half are open and the rest like me are closed. A few will be confrontational and others will sit back and follow the majority opinion.

I pondered about the people with stuck mindsets. They have such a definitive belief that anything you ask or comment they will dismiss it.

They have only one opinion and because they are not open to hearing what other people think, they miss out on another perspective.

It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. It matters that it is an interesting topic and there are many factors about it. It is kinda sad that they have chosen not to educate themselves further.

I am beginning to think that they just want to lord false superiority over people which is frankly laughable without knowing all the diverse and wonderful views of others.

I have met a fair number of people like this and they are unpleasant to converse with. I will briefly try for a moment but afterwards I cannot take them seriously.

If you are truly knowledgeable about a particular subject, then good for you but just to let you know. Other people are aware of it too and know the same amount, if not more than you do.

You don't have all the answers and somebody out there is bound to have a take on it, that you didn't even consider.

In the end, who is really correct?

#BlogLife53 - Caring Vs Uncaring

 Afternoony all :)

I hope I didn't scare any of you away with the #BlogLife51 post but as you know I find it healthier for me to explore my feelings rather than bottle them up.

This is after all our safe space :) I thought I would explain something I said in #BlogLife50..

"I am caring on a clock, once the time is up.. I am sorry I don't give a damn. I have my own stuff to contend with."

I am not sure how you interpreted that but I would like to delve further into it. Most people have, give and take mutual strength relationships.

I do not. Person A get's to be vulnerable and low and Person B comes along to provide an ear and give them the confidence and tools to help them get back on their feet.

Then it can go vice versa so they are both getting a boost and getting to unburden their feelings in a calm environment. 

I have always had to prop myself up and do whatever it took to carry on. All people did was constantly come to me and offload their problems, so they felt better.

When it was my turn to get the same care and consideration. There was no time and effort or if there was it was soooo unusual that I was able to dismiss them easily because it felt weird to me.

They were always relieved to scarper so it proved my point, time and time again.

I was always being made to feel like they were doing me a favour by listening instead of it being natural and a thing that healthy friendships/relationships should do automatically.

If you see someone you truly care about in pain, shouldn't you want to reach out? Unless of course they tell you they need space.

Then if it was me. I would say. I respect your wishes. I am concerned about you but just know I will be here anytime you need me.

Now that I am volunteering. I have to be strong for other people whether they are genuine or not. However because I am taking on their stress and getting horrendous discussions from males also.

I occasionally have to step back and check in on myself. Make sure that I am alright because nobody else does. If you have thoughtful people around you, you can let go of your turmoil.

You can probably go a lot longer than I can. It is impossible for me to do the same though. I am already pulling away from those reaching out as I refuse to rely on anyone else now.

I have spent so long looking after myself, I don't think I can let anyone near me for that long.

If you need me, I will be around. I will do what I can. I respond to after hour chats because some are fragile and I am happy to do that.

If though, it comes down to a choice between you or me? I choose me every time.

I know that it doesn't seem nice or fair or reasonable to be selfish but I can only give so much until I burn out and there is nothing of me left.

No creativity. No smile. No peace. No laughter, the thing that brings me out of a funk, every time.

You get to feel better after I have listened. Who makes me feel better?

I guess I wanted you to know that there are reasons why I am the way I am.

It is hard for me to be open and it feels like it took me half my life to realise that it was alright to put myself first for a change. To love myself and know that I am equally as precious as you are :)

#BlogLife50 - The cringe factor

Ugh I heard myself doing it again tonight. How do I stop it? I was asked to keep in touch, if I was happy to do so but I assumed it was an obligation.

I do not want to be that for someone. How do you know if it is genuine or if it is just someone being polite? I actually accepted the offer because frankly the interactions are light hearted and make me laugh.

I don't often find someone approachable and though this is, as usual, not romantic/flirty etc or any of that nonsense. It is enjoyable and a way that makes my day bearable.

Especially after hearing some of these conversations. That I cannot discuss with anyone. I rambled another cringy reply to him. 

I was seriously going to paste what I said but I can't lol. It is so soooo bad. He just sent me a reply and it just went from lighthearted to deep. Eek :D

I made a lame joke and he thought I was questioning his motives? Actually I was just being my usual goofball self :D I clarified that just now and something else.

It's weird that someone I thought that was neutral appeared to be in flirt mode-ish. I let my guard down unnaturally and then I realised the truth and it went back up.

I have been avoiding him ever since. He failed the test and answer. I have these factors I look out for to see if someone is caring/honest/reliable.

I am sick of investing in the wrong people. The new person seems genuine but I remain on high alert for any changes. I let something slip today.

Time will tell if it was a mistake. I disclosed that I never feel heard and that I can manage to be there for others easily but no longer expect the same in return.

Also I said that I made the assumption I was being an imposition because I am not used to being supported and so it obviously must be an inconvenience.

He said he was joking but there are kernels of truth imbedded inside the response. However he addressed everything I said. Which I guess was the test I was looking for!

I just got my answer. He said he just enjoys listening to people so I will just take that and accept it.

He is the opposite to me. I am caring on a clock, once the time is up.. I'm sorry I don't give a damn. I have my own stuff to contend with.

I kinda wanted to ask him, if he ever feels like saying....

"Why are you asking/whining to me? I got better priorities. Leave me alone. Shish. I can't even enjoy a cupcake in piece!" :D

#BlogLife49 - From self hate to self love

Afternoony lovelies :)

As you have been following I have had a rough couple of days but I want to share with you what helped me get through it, as I was beating myself up over it nonstop.

1. First I just had to acknowledge there was an issue. 

2. Then I had to step away completely.

3. My biggest hurdle was seeking help but I did it.

4. When I got the help I desired. I had to open up. Eeek.

5. I had to be as honest as possible, there was no point otherwise.

6. Vent, vent and vent some more, until it is all out. Good job I have a handy blog for that :D

7. Take onboard what the support system was saying.

8. Acknowledge every single messy thought and feeling that cropped up.

9. Realise that although I am not a perfectionist. I always feel the need to prove myself as good/smart/competent.

10. Thank, show gratitude and appreciate, whoever is in your corner :)

11. Completely dissolve any sort of pressure to return.

12. Have fun. Remind yourself what joy looks like. I chatted, I watched cheesy shows. I put on happy tunes.

13. Take my own damn advice. I'm just human, making mistakes is part of that, use the good, leave the bad.

14 Pamper time! I gave myself a facial, used my face brush, a mud mask, tried out a banana clip which broke within minutes of using.

For those first seconds though. I looked adorable!! :D

15. Take steps and do whatever feels right to you, not what you feel you should, not what others say but what you want! 

Your voice is the only one relevant here!

After picking myself up and admitting to myself that despite what Dr K said I did make several boo boos. I did some research,

I looked over his notes and just picked out things I needed to hear and what he suggested. I added it to my cheat sheet and now I feel prepared.

I had another set of challenging talks and I became a rockstar again. I handled it and I made sure those people were safe in the world I create for our chat.

I think I will always feel I haven't done enough but every time I do. I will read these quotes.

"You are already helping a lot by just being there."

"It is adding up to that person not going further down because you decided to take that interaction."

I will leave you with this pro tip. When doing anything like this, put on really happy feelgood music on. It breaks up the intensity and somehow the drama has less impact.

Detaching becomes easier to accomplish.