#BlogLife914 - Birthday blues of an outcast

I don't think I could write this on my birthday and there's a new random that I'm not ready to talk about.

I warned him that I'll be most likely incommunicado that day.

Although generally I don't feel alone or lonely as such, just this day, maybe the holidays too kinda highlight it in my face.

That there's only ever going to be me in my circle. That when I was a lil girl, there was a curiously sweet naive bubbliness to me, that I guess I didn't feel safe or comfortable enough to express to others.

Connecting became more and more difficult, those ever frequent skyrocketing walls were built higher than anyone could break through.

The bullying and plummeting self esteem mean't nobody was trustworthy.

I couldn't let my guard down and open up, I had to keep my distance and protect myself and so it continued through teenage, twenties, thirties and now in my forties, it's still the same.

I'm still waiting to be seen, for someone to break down my defences and say that they accept me.

Or say that they will spoil me or make it about me, not about them or say I see today is not a good day for you, I'm gonna do my utmost to change that..

Not to manipulate you, not to get in your good books, not because I expect something back but because I simply care that you're struggling and unhappy and I want to be the one you turn too in times of crisis.

It's silly I guess that I thought people will see past the deflecting humour and jokes and notice a real person was underneath with feelings.

I don't miss socialising anymore, the whole thing is exhausting trying to plead with my body to summon up some energy to get ready, let alone anything else.

I just felt like I was saying Are you free and everyone was saying Nope but then when they asked, I was sometimes in the mood to go.

I felt I was there for them, emotionally and physically present.

In the end I figured what's the point? This loneliness would seep through me, in either a crowd or one person but I felt so weird.

Like I was a phony who didn't belong with beautiful sophisticated friends/acquaintances, as though I weasled my way to an invite, when it was my celebration, supposedly.

I miss the banter, the giggles, the making light of heavy stuff, to make them comfy, if that was the only way I could share, so be it.

But just because I choose not to bring the whole mood down, and I'm saying it with a light tinge, minus the heaviness, make no mistake, I'm still devastated by it.

I guess the test is, do you care enough to probe deeper? We all know the answer is Nope!

So on this day, that I don't celebrate, hopefully, I'll get a nice takeout, a special dessert and possibly look for a nice weepy movie with lots of heart to watch.

Maybe I'll write some sad fiction but to be honest on that day, I don't tend to do much.

I just disconnect. I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. 

Oof just got back from the UC appointment, wasn't too bad actually, I just felt sick all day and it's coming and going.

I wanted to do more, get some Gregg's yum yum doughnuts or cupcakes but I just wanted to vomit so the lil trek I've had to do would be on a better day.

I had a lil bit of energy so went to pick up a low calorie lemonade and I saw the truffles again.

Actually there was other things but they were double the price, this big bag of nutty chocolates was £3, the rest were like £8 for this dark chocolate medley.

It didn't even say it contained nuts anyway and that's me and Mama's preference.

Ugh it did not go well. I ordered some samosas and chicken tandoori and roti but the order was cancelled :(

So I just settled on KFC, the local is just quick and easy and good quality.

But the driver got lost, so I had to come out in my slippers and I felt soo rough, I'm trying to direct him, he's apparently outside, but in reality around the corner.

Then after a minute or so he walks towards me, ugh, why weren't you on your scooter or car??

So I munched the fries that I don't recall ordering and the rest can wait.

I wish they would cook them more, so they're crispy, not limp.

Ugh I'm irritated again, funny how the seller didn't bother to contact me.

The present I bought Mama, the sweet red panini grill didn't arrive.

I chased them up today and got a message that it's lost in transit, so a replacement is possible.

But it's not in the red shade, I'm gutted, she wanted that colour so I'm not sure what to do.

Just a frustrating day, they have it in silver but I saw loads of other colours, that were way cheaper but I wanted to get her something she really liked.

I just texted and asked what she wanted me to do.. The cynical part of me has seen it relisted for double the price so I wonder if it was really "lost."

 

#BlogLife723 - Last of the celebratory gifts

I got Mama's Just Eat giftcard and she received the essential oils, so the last thing I can think of as we are both foodies with a sweet tooth, is some dessert.

I got her gourmet fudge, she favours the Bon Bons brand it seems.

Last time was the fun KitKat variety pack. I thought I would do a Confection Cabin selection bunch for us to sample.

Peanut brittle, coconut ice, fudge ice, salted caramel peanut brittle and chocolate coconut ice.

We both love nuts and I love the coconut ice, when I haven't had it in a long time. They are in small bar form.

I've never seen the chocolate version so that should be fun or the fudge one, whatever we don't like, she can always gift to friends.

I don't want to mention the prices, ridiculously pricey but it's a treat so I can accept it.

Those should arrive this week. No sign of my contact lens, I am fed up of squinting to read.

Last night MC was texting as we swapped numbers, I've known him for months and months.

We are more like flirty acquaintances than anything else.

And I couldn't even read what he was writing, ugh the headaches and eye strain is so frustrating.

The last treat I'll get for myself if possible is some high quality cupcakes, if Mama has a lil bakery type shop online, I can have it delivered.

I just remembered that I wanted to get some spare contact lens cases.

I don't know how often you are supposed to change them. Oops according to Googly woogly, it's every three months.

But that's ridiculous to me. I think a couple times a year only. I just saw a 5 pack for £2.80 and got that.

Normally I would pay £2 and get one but I figured there must be a multipack somewhere.

I need to do some laundry later, I wonder if any of my parcels are going to arrive today?

I'm gonna eat soon. I recently discovered an old show called Land Girls.

It's really good but quite short. It's set during the war and women and girls have gotten jobs on farms to support their families and themselves.

To me it's simple but it's well written, so there are surprises and drama is unfolding gently and it's compelling.

But as with most shows, characters keep disappearing so it's a lil frustrating to see new cast members, when you want to see the old ones.

Although the acting is brilliant so you continue watching to see, what will happen.

#BlogLife93 - Birthdays

How do you feel about your birthday each year? Do you get excited, do you look forward to it? Is it a massive celebration? Or do you see it like I do?

Not a big deal, just an ordinary day. I'm getting older and I never really enjoyed the day. I didn't have many friends and when I tried to organise things, people didn't seem invested so I pretty much gave up.

I did something for myself, by myself and that was okay. It became my thing. Shopping, dinner, maybe some pampering. Dancing, whatever I felt like doing I would just get dolled up and go for it.

Now because me and mama share the same birthday month, we tend to have a beauty day, pedicures, massage and for me, brows.

Then we will either go out for a nice lunch or order something in and enjoy it. This year I guess I feel the same dread. I don't know why.

It's just an uncomfortable time. I guess I am supposed to be happy and counting down the days but I just want it over and done with.

We are planning to have our beauty day, which I postponed because I am not in the mood and then I'm going to go stay with her for a bit and chill out. 

I never know what to get her so I cheated and asked her what she needed. She replied that she is after a watch. 

I scoured through Amazon because red is her favourite colour and I saw a really pretty design and bought it, plus some nutty snacks.

I think it will be great to have a break from the randoms. One of them in particular ghosted me and it was kinda strange but not really.

He was going away for business for a while and he wanted me to download a messenger so we could keep in touch. He's another one with an irritating habit of using a work phone for a personal phone.

For me, I have 3 phones but only one sim card. The samsung one has the sim and that is what I used for calls and texts. The backups are for the gaming and asmr which I fall asleep too.

But when I use my phone, my number comes up and people can see, ahh yes, she called me, let me just return it. When I got called from a work phone or from someone claiming it is.

Private number is displayed and without a voicemail or text, that could be anybody. He has never texted, ever, just called so I don't text him either.

He has given me his number a few times but I don't/didn't copy it down because I thought what was the point? He didn't say call/text anytime.

It was more take it for reference or get a messenger! I hate messengers. I did have whatsapp years ago but if you go on there.....

It's the same thing all the time. Who are you again? What is your asl again? The same questions and answers all the time. Ugh I get so bored...

And men send me half a dozen pictures like I am interested, when I'm not... I really don't care. I see them all like faceless blobs and I'm thrilled with not knowing what they look like.

I think because meeting them, never crosses my mind so why do I need to know what they look like and why do they need to know how I am?

If they question my gender as a lot of them seem to get catfished. I just retort, hey, just ring me up, when I know you are going to do it and I'll prove it with my voice.

Anyway so the guy in question, we talked on the phone almost daily and emailed every day and he wanted to get together for drinks or lunch, said he was moving to London soon.

I think for me, I wouldn't go for a long distance thing because I have no trust and if I was to start dating I would want to get together often-ish or least have that option.

Also I told him that I hate the idea of meets but to even consider it, he would need to prove himself consistent. Over a period of a couple months.

I figure if I am going to put myself out there, you need to do it too. I need that person to be in regular contact, doesn't have to be daily but weekly definitely.

Plus if they say they are going to do something, then do it. I was umming and errring about downloading a messenger until I realised I could do it on my chromebook and it didn't have to clutter my phone.

The last thing he said was get it, here is my number. I said if I do this, hide your photo because I don't want to see it. We talked about that anyway and he said he was fine with it.

Tomorrow supposedly he sets off for abroad and he hasn't contacted me since. Maybe he was testing me to see if I would get it?

I think he should answered my question though. I just didn't bother downloading as what was the point and I sorta kinda maybe deleted the email with his number in it......Anyway..Oops!

I suppose I could have asked for it again but he has my email and my number and has said nothing so it doesn't seem like there is any point.

Shrugs. In the end I felt like he did the typical thing of..... Hmm so she has pulled away from me and wrote me off. Let me recruit her back and say what she wants to hear and that will entice her, so I can be the one to dump her???

As he did a complete turn around from saying.. I don't want a serious long term commitment. To saying...... Would you want to get married, settle down and grow old together????

I mean.......What the hell?? Be consistent, that is what I want. Even if I disagree. I prefer the truth. That way it is fair to everybody and people know where they stand!!

I don't want to get married. I don't believe in happily ever after, for me personally because these were my exact words to him...

It's not that I don't believe in commitment. I do but that is just too nice a dream. I don't ever think I would have that. I couldn't even get a faithful respectful boyfriend...

How could I get a hubby?? I'm beginning to think I want the friendship from a romance that I never experienced before rather than anything else.

I like the idea of being someone's first port of call but not their world just someone they can rely on and I could support also. Everything else seems complicated and unattainable.