#BlogLife914 - Birthday blues of an outcast

I don't think I could write this on my birthday and there's a new random that I'm not ready to talk about.

I warned him that I'll be most likely incommunicado that day.

Although generally I don't feel alone or lonely as such, just this day, maybe the holidays too kinda highlight it in my face.

That there's only ever going to be me in my circle. That when I was a lil girl, there was a curiously sweet naive bubbliness to me, that I guess I didn't feel safe or comfortable enough to express to others.

Connecting became more and more difficult, those ever frequent skyrocketing walls were built higher than anyone could break through.

The bullying and plummeting self esteem mean't nobody was trustworthy.

I couldn't let my guard down and open up, I had to keep my distance and protect myself and so it continued through teenage, twenties, thirties and now in my forties, it's still the same.

I'm still waiting to be seen, for someone to break down my defences and say that they accept me.

Or say that they will spoil me or make it about me, not about them or say I see today is not a good day for you, I'm gonna do my utmost to change that..

Not to manipulate you, not to get in your good books, not because I expect something back but because I simply care that you're struggling and unhappy and I want to be the one you turn too in times of crisis.

It's silly I guess that I thought people will see past the deflecting humour and jokes and notice a real person was underneath with feelings.

I don't miss socialising anymore, the whole thing is exhausting trying to plead with my body to summon up some energy to get ready, let alone anything else.

I just felt like I was saying Are you free and everyone was saying Nope but then when they asked, I was sometimes in the mood to go.

I felt I was there for them, emotionally and physically present.

In the end I figured what's the point? This loneliness would seep through me, in either a crowd or one person but I felt so weird.

Like I was a phony who didn't belong with beautiful sophisticated friends/acquaintances, as though I weasled my way to an invite, when it was my celebration, supposedly.

I miss the banter, the giggles, the making light of heavy stuff, to make them comfy, if that was the only way I could share, so be it.

But just because I choose not to bring the whole mood down, and I'm saying it with a light tinge, minus the heaviness, make no mistake, I'm still devastated by it.

I guess the test is, do you care enough to probe deeper? We all know the answer is Nope!

So on this day, that I don't celebrate, hopefully, I'll get a nice takeout, a special dessert and possibly look for a nice weepy movie with lots of heart to watch.

Maybe I'll write some sad fiction but to be honest on that day, I don't tend to do much.

I just disconnect. I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. 

Oof just got back from the UC appointment, wasn't too bad actually, I just felt sick all day and it's coming and going.

I wanted to do more, get some Gregg's yum yum doughnuts or cupcakes but I just wanted to vomit so the lil trek I've had to do would be on a better day.

I had a lil bit of energy so went to pick up a low calorie lemonade and I saw the truffles again.

Actually there was other things but they were double the price, this big bag of nutty chocolates was £3, the rest were like £8 for this dark chocolate medley.

It didn't even say it contained nuts anyway and that's me and Mama's preference.

Ugh it did not go well. I ordered some samosas and chicken tandoori and roti but the order was cancelled :(

So I just settled on KFC, the local is just quick and easy and good quality.

But the driver got lost, so I had to come out in my slippers and I felt soo rough, I'm trying to direct him, he's apparently outside, but in reality around the corner.

Then after a minute or so he walks towards me, ugh, why weren't you on your scooter or car??

So I munched the fries that I don't recall ordering and the rest can wait.

I wish they would cook them more, so they're crispy, not limp.

Ugh I'm irritated again, funny how the seller didn't bother to contact me.

The present I bought Mama, the sweet red panini grill didn't arrive.

I chased them up today and got a message that it's lost in transit, so a replacement is possible.

But it's not in the red shade, I'm gutted, she wanted that colour so I'm not sure what to do.

Just a frustrating day, they have it in silver but I saw loads of other colours, that were way cheaper but I wanted to get her something she really liked.

I just texted and asked what she wanted me to do.. The cynical part of me has seen it relisted for double the price so I wonder if it was really "lost."

 

#BlogLife827 - Are you gifted?

Song of the day - Paula Abdul - Rush Rush

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqSdQ5gJC7A&list=WL&index=83

I'm just re-cooking some turkey bacon to munch on as there isn't much left to eat, hence the shop tomorrow..

And some random thoughts popped into my head. Forgive me, I may have discussed this before..

But I recall being a teenager at a Church meeting at somebody's home and two things happened, one my blouse button became undone and my friend was signalling me about it.

Embarrassing I know and secondly for some reason, we were interviewing each other, maybe it was designed as a bonding or confidence exercise, that backfired spectacularly.

It's all foggy, anyway, I think the last question, was something like..

Name your abilities, something you excel at. The question made me sweat.

I couldn't really play an instrument, I was a bad singer, I wasn't academic. I couldn't think of a single thing.

I think I raised my hand and said, what if you're not good at anything?

And the tutor guffawed and probably said something, Now now, we all have special talents, think harder.

But at that time, I wasn't even a people person, although, one thing I was good at, was listening and giving advice.

But that was it, I don't think writing was on the cards at that moment in time.

I was going to leave it blank and sink lower into the couch than I previously was.

I mean everyone around me answered that question easily, they seem to have more than one star quality, and here I was ordinary and plain.

So after thinking hard, the tutor said Oh I have it, successful dieter.

And I looked at him thinking, I wish you hadn't of said anything at all, it felt like I was thrown a bone and it was the most demeaning thing ever.

That's not a talent, that's just trying to better myself! If you haven't figured out what you're good at, it takes time.

Don't pressure yourself to have all the answers straight away.

I wish I had just said I'm still figuring it out and this question is ridiculous.

There's too much stress to know everything when you're young and confused and figuring yourself out.

I don't know if what I have is a gift but it does bring me joy in a way, nothing and no-one else has.

The trousers are delayed so due tomorrow instead which is a pain as I won't be here.

I have a UC meeting 11.45am, maybe they will drop it off or come when I'm back home, hopefully.

This post came about because when I was singing choir at school, it was not from ability, I don't think there was a choice.

You had to learn an instrument or sing or maybe singing was compulsory..

Anyway a few songs from that time, I never forgot about. One was Summertime, probably because of the lyrics, fish are jumping?

It just made me laugh and stuck around, although I frequently don't remember the name of it.

The other was Beverly Craven's Promise Me. I don't know if we picked our own song's or they were chosen for us.

But I know that we adapted the lyrics, instead of I light up another cigarette, ha, it was something else.

I desperately wanted to find my niche, something so great, no-one could make me feel bad about it.

But no it wasn't music, I loved singing alone but I was still hiding my voice, I didn't sing loudly, just quietly and probably never tested my range.

But the lil I did sing wasn't great, parts of it were fun though. There was a lot of messing about in that music class.

I probably could have been free to be myself but I was cautious. Don't make a fool of yourself was that voice in my head, holding me back.

I did take up piano lessons but dropped them soon after, too technical and not enough fun.

The only time I recall singing in tune, was when noone was home and I think the neighbours were out too and I belted out some song at the top of my lungs and it sounded half decent.

Ooh okay the tracking for the trousers, changed for the billionth time, it's now due today, which is good.

There was a buzz and I thought Oh it's here already? But nope, Iceland forgot my cashews so the guy just re-delivered them 2 hours later ha.

I didn't even report it yet as I saw they were absent but I wasn't sure if I removed them from my basket or not, pretty good service really.

#BlogLife723 - Last of the celebratory gifts

I got Mama's Just Eat giftcard and she received the essential oils, so the last thing I can think of as we are both foodies with a sweet tooth, is some dessert.

I got her gourmet fudge, she favours the Bon Bons brand it seems.

Last time was the fun KitKat variety pack. I thought I would do a Confection Cabin selection bunch for us to sample.

Peanut brittle, coconut ice, fudge ice, salted caramel peanut brittle and chocolate coconut ice.

We both love nuts and I love the coconut ice, when I haven't had it in a long time. They are in small bar form.

I've never seen the chocolate version so that should be fun or the fudge one, whatever we don't like, she can always gift to friends.

I don't want to mention the prices, ridiculously pricey but it's a treat so I can accept it.

Those should arrive this week. No sign of my contact lens, I am fed up of squinting to read.

Last night MC was texting as we swapped numbers, I've known him for months and months.

We are more like flirty acquaintances than anything else.

And I couldn't even read what he was writing, ugh the headaches and eye strain is so frustrating.

The last treat I'll get for myself if possible is some high quality cupcakes, if Mama has a lil bakery type shop online, I can have it delivered.

I just remembered that I wanted to get some spare contact lens cases.

I don't know how often you are supposed to change them. Oops according to Googly woogly, it's every three months.

But that's ridiculous to me. I think a couple times a year only. I just saw a 5 pack for £2.80 and got that.

Normally I would pay £2 and get one but I figured there must be a multipack somewhere.

I need to do some laundry later, I wonder if any of my parcels are going to arrive today?

I'm gonna eat soon. I recently discovered an old show called Land Girls.

It's really good but quite short. It's set during the war and women and girls have gotten jobs on farms to support their families and themselves.

To me it's simple but it's well written, so there are surprises and drama is unfolding gently and it's compelling.

But as with most shows, characters keep disappearing so it's a lil frustrating to see new cast members, when you want to see the old ones.

Although the acting is brilliant so you continue watching to see, what will happen.

#BlogLife659 - I can't see you eyedrops

Yesterday I reported the eyedrops missing and I have given up because it's been nearly two weeks without any news.

Even though I really wanted them, customer service has been ignoring me but hopefully I'll get my refund.

That's why I like using Paypal as they have the buyer protection in place and you'll always get refunded.

I spoke to Mama last night, it's like all the gifts backfired, I'm kinda gutted about that.

The hand cream spilled, although she loves the scent from Sarah Jessica Parker.

Dawn was the name, then she didn't really love the Gardiners of Scotland fudge, preferred the Bon Bons brand.

Plus the chilli plantain chips, I assumed were savoury, were sweet and she's not keen, ugh.

The one thing she did enjoy was the After Eco dark almond nutty bar though, at least that's something.

I offered to get her some more essential oils as her sleep seems more interrupted now, she used to have no trouble.

And because the oils have multiple benefits and I've researched some of them, I can recommend them to her as an alternative remedy away from pills...

But she told me to wait until summer when it will be our joint birthdays, not on the same day but a week apart.

No sign of the Postie yet and I'm waiting for the electric toothbrush replacement heads as I am down to my last one.

Every three months, you are supposed to swap them out, I usually forget.

#BlogLife654 - Skirting around the subject..

I'm thrilled the 2 skirts I ordered just arrived, one black and one blue. I just had a feeling they would sell out first.

The fishtail bottom is like a swirly design, it's totally plain and not my preference but at least it has a feature to it.

I was so nervous about the fit, but they are the perfect length for a shortie like me and it isn't too loose or too tight, just perfect with wiggle room.

Oh and the best bit is the thickness, for ages all I've seen is thin loosey goosey designs but I wanted more of a fitted look, even though I'm plus sized and have a few stone to lose, mainly three.

The truth is part of me is ready to be more presentable, to get date outfits.

I feel kinda ready to get to know a guy and then if he seems normal and respectable, to eventually take the next step and meet him in person.

Talking of randoms I blocked MM/S last night because I think looking back I probably told him all my insecurities about my looks, weight, image, intelligence...

And he thought it was amusing to assassinate my character in one swoop.

When he was nice he was pleasant but there was an underside to him that was condescending, if he talked he spouted subjective facts and in his mind, his word was law.

No deviating opinions counted but I still argued with him because I had something to say on the matter, that differed from his God-like views.

What cemented it for me because although I enjoyed his company for the most part.

Was that he resented being held accountable for his disrespectful behaviour.

It physically angered him to apologise for being cruel. To be honest that surprised me, that he was like that. But I heard it in his tone and after that he stopped speaking to me.

That turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I managed to go over everything and realised he wasn't a good guy after all.

Plus he was impatient to meet up and I knew I wasn't ready. I suspected that I needed more time to mentally prepare myself.

He kept being kinda cold and unfeeling and saying thoughtless remarks and then admitting he was frustrated and that I was playing with his mind.

When the truth is I'm naturally scared and nervous due to my violent dating history.

It's been physically and emotionally abusive and that's not something that disappears, it lingers.

My brain says, be careful be careful, trust no one. My body says...... Come on just a lil huggy, maybe a peck, what harm could it do???

There is always these conflicting thoughts. But once again you can't just lash out for the sake of it.

You can vocalise your unhappiness but why scar someone else?

Why not empathise and think, hmm well if I'm patient and kind, maybe she will change her mind and meet me sooner, instead of, let's make her feel bad and then she will be as miserable as I am.

I was actually going to tell him, that this month or next I was prepared to see him but then he opened his big mouth and I saw his true nature emerge....

Yesterday part of the Mama's Day surprises arrived, the nutty chocolates went down well, especially as they were low fat and not super sugary, which is what she prefers.

The fudge she didn't enjoy as much, she doesn't like chewy, more waxy crumbly. The homemade stuff but I was attracted to the unusual reusable tin.

The rest of it, the Sarah Jessica Parker Dawn hand lotion, the chilli plantain chips, which I've never seen before.

I've ever seen sweet or salty and she likes spicy things, seemed like a great bundle of treats, should arrive this week.

For me yesterday I felt like treating myself, so I got chicken sushi, this chocolate torte slice and praline chocolate.

I managed to order another face mask as the other one is running low from Eclat.

Oh my skin is back to normal now, no more dryness, yay. I also got a batch of eye drops that amounted to just over a pound each.

Lastly I'm also running low on essential oils, so it was just under a tenner for four of them.

Peppermint, Eucalyptus, lemon and I thought I would try orange and lime as citrus just makes me happy, with that fresh uplifting scent.

#BlogLife653 - Are you tasty? Ummm...No..

I don't know if I added this or not but I bought the Linda McCartney veggie mozzarella burgers.

It was 2 inside for £2.50 and I don't really like her products but I wanted to experience different brands.

As I expected it was on the dry side as all her stuff tends to be unfortunately and it just had huge globs of cheese in it, which just put me off.

I don't recommend it but at least I experimented a bit, I'm gutted Iceland still doesn't have the Quorn vegan bacon and chicken pie in stock, I hope it's not discontinued.

I still feel put off by most foods so buying groceries remains a challenge.

What's happening with the non vegan stuff is that I'm eating a quarter or half and binning the rest and I hate wasting food.

I just can't stand the flavour after a while. I took out a weeks Prime trial.

Did a bit of research, read some reviews and settled on the latest 2024 budget earbuds.

They were £20 but I paid £16 including the £1 for Prime. It made me laugh that they wanted a further £2 for same day delivery.....

Ahem I have Prime, it should have been free!! I could pay an exorbitant cost but they would probably still only last about a year or 6 months.

I don't see the point. I just want calls to be clear, the battery to last all night.

A button to press to switch it on and off, fast charge, would be great to have multi device connections.

And a really long distance so that when I'm in the kitchen, it doesn't switch off.

Oh and the latest bluetoothy, it's coming tomorrow and so are the groceries.

Also with Prime I can allocate deliveries for Sunday, which in the UK is Mama's day.

And I preferred things arriving on the special day. I can get her some more fudge, maybe some drinks like ginger beer and possibly scented cream.

I'm not getting the drinks, she is more into hot beverages these days but I did see Sarah Jessica Parker hand cream 100ml for £9 which is cool.

Plus I have never ever seen chilli plantain chips, I think she'll like that.

Got some dark chocolate and almond bar and lastly a tin of fudge, ha she'll hate me for the sugar content but she will also relish it.

Just saw some fishtail skirts, one in blue, one in black, they were about £12 each and another £2ish pounds for postage.

It just looks like a kickflare plain skirt but great for a night out or a date.

I don't have many skirts but those I do, all seem too baggy so I'm hoping these are more tailored to me.

#BlogLife599 - Introducing my phone, the trampoline

Oof what a morning! I was sleeping cosily and then thought it was morning at 6amish and then couldn't get back to sleep.

Then about 9amish I was drifting in and out and forgot I left the phone on the bed, instead of to the side..

I kicked or flipped over the covers and the phone went flying. I spent 10 minutes looking for it as I didn't have my lenses on.

Luckily found it, intact in my wardrobe of all places. I just had a huge breakfast which is unusual but at least now I feel awake.

A veggy hotdog and a fish sandwich with the cucumber minty raita and a small amount of cheese, they were so tasty.

I emailed that penpaller K and just told him, he wasn't the right fit for me.

I'm glad he didn't respond. I didn't appreciate that he went for the sympathy vote, he divulged something deeply personal straight away, which I thought was peculiar.

It's as though he was saying, don't reject me because I'm vulnerable, icky icky.

Add to that, the whole flirty nonsense and he was unsuitable. Why can't they be honest and say, well what I'm looking for is attention and some kissy kissy, yuckity!

I have a new random J, I might ask him to change his name, so this post sounds different but he's fun, he makes me laugh and is a lil sarcastic like me so that's nice.

Mama's drinks got delivered last night, actually they were just left outside her door because she texted me and said nothing arrived..

But when she checked they were all there. Well she hasn't opened the boxes but at some point we will check to see if everything arrived as normal.

She did open the fudge and shared it with friends. I'm glad she enjoyed it, I'm not bothered at all. I'm not keen on it.

Plus the main gift is the rug. I don't recall trying the dark ferrero hazelnut in the block form, just in the regular round sweet version.

I don't know what's happening with the tea, from yesterday it's been saying Out for delivery and hasn't updated. Ugh.

Hopefully her Postie will bring it today. I don't think the Ferreros or rug is arriving today maybe Friday or Saturday or perhaps they are waiting to deliver it together?

As it's all Royal Mail. I will wait and see. Alright the face mask just arrived and I did the same mistake as before.

What is up with me?? I mistakenly thought it was 2 of them but it was one. I have a feeling they do that on purpose, add x2 to the description to make you assume, two are going to be sent.

Instead of the actual thing, which says x2 clearer skin. Nevermind it's still a good product. I just would not have paid that amount.

I've just changed my theme to a Christmassy red baubel and looking to change the desktop also.

It doesn't display properly but I don't care. For the desktop I found a snowy lantern, tree one which does look sweet and shows up correctly.

I'm a lil jealous that all the fun fruity drinks are at Mama's, if I was inspired I might have mixed some together to make mocktails...

#BlogLife596 - I broke up with Postie

Song of the day - Olatunji - Kaya

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pIL9kR6aF0&list=WL&index=31

Alright technically we're not romantically involved but the dodo delivered my weekender bag to the wrong address.

Ugh I was so stressed seeing that Delivered message but luckily once again they took a picture as proof....

And I can again prove that is not my door or foot. My door is a different colour and clearly shows the itty bitty number.

But then an hour later they decided to return it to me. Postal theft is a criminal offence after all.

They must have wet themselves when Postie said so your name is SS? 

Great, let me just snap a quick picture and then I'll be off, toodles.....

Bahaha! I was literally reporting it and saying give me a day and if it doesn't show up, investigate it, report it to the cops do whatever because I am not wasting money on a stolen item!!

I am pleasantly surprised, it looked really small at first but it was flattened and folded up so once I put it together, it was longer, deeper and wider.

Plus I'm glad they included the shoulder strap, the less things I'm holding, the better.

I think it sorta looks like real leather, it certainly smells like it and I'm pleased with the overall look.

The real challenge will be with packing it up to the brim. The slippers are supposedly coming on Monday, (today).

And hopefully the purple lippy also. Oh I tried the Chickeny Yorkshire puddings.

Wow out of the whole range, these are the best things. I think I read that included in the ingredients is parsley but it is properly seasoned and very tasty and soft.

I want to grab a drink but Postie is due anytime. I'm not sure if it's the regular or the special van one.

The regular one is normally around lunchtime but this said up to 4pm.

Yesterday I ordered Mama's masala chai tea, I got a big box of 100 tea bags Wagh Bakri is the brand.

I have no idea if it's caffeinated or sweetened, the details are vague but the reviews seemed positive.

There was something about snow mentioned so I'm trying to shop early and avoid the delays but the tracking said....

There are already congested reports, maybe only for the regular post? Or maybe all of it?

I also saw 2x Eclat mud masks for £6, apparently the regular price for one is a fiver.

I don't normally buy the same thing but it proved to be really effective with my skin.

It replenished all the moisture and my face is smooth again. Plus I love mud masks anyway, they are the most hard working product for me.

Gel and standard cream masks don't do anything beneficial for my combination skin.

I'm mostly liking the replacement binaural beats anti nausea video.

I don't really like the noise, to me it's a lil creepy sounding but I'm surprised at the short and long term effects of it, that I didn't notice straight away.

When I feel sicky, it's usually because I need to burp but I'm not able too.

Drinking fizzies was the only cure for me, since the other video was deleted.

Now I put it together that whenever I listen to the video, sure it calms my tummy and I don't feel nauseated but later on it's started aiding me to burp naturally.

That to me is astounding. I'm not even listening to it and in the evening I was burping and this morning I was also.

People would normally pop antacids for this treatment, for the other nicer sounding video, I had to listen to it, in that moment for it to assist me.

#BlogLife537 - Thank you readers :)

Do you get most of your film or television recommendations from other people or are you the one that gives them tips on the next exciting popular thing?

I guess I started with friends and family pointing me towards entertainment that I might enjoy that they were enthusiastic about.

I recall far back the reason I first began watching Sex and the City was because it featured a female writer/blogger.

And that's what I wanted to do but didn't feel I had the talent or creativity to pursue it, who did I think I was??

And now there is a follow up version And Just Like That, I think it's called and I have no earthly interest in seeing it.

They did whinge a lot about very petty things, some I related to but others meh I saw it so much, I never wanted to see it again.

Then I remember my friend suggesting a show Secret Diary of a Call Girl that is based on a book and I thought hmm, doesn't sound like my thing.

I don't know if I tried to watch it and didn't get into it or I just had enough to occupy my time with.

But now I'm getting into some really old shows, Sanditon was excellent.

The Forsyte Saga was really enjoyable, another period drama that has likeable characters.

I think if I don't find straight away a cast member's storyline that I'm hooked onto then I can't watch it.

I tried to watch The Great and I hated everyone so dismissed that.

I loaded up Rescue Me which had good actors but the dialogue made my ears bleed, misogynistic men and the racial element of it, just no!!

But maybe second time around Call Girl show is funny and interesting, my first thought was, does she have a love life and does he know her employment?

Why on earth would you see clients in your own home? I did think it was cool she had a video intercom system, at least she could see who the visitor was prior to buzzing them in.

In my head I was thinking, be truthful or at least test the waters with any potential boyfriends.

Tell them you're a masseur, a personal trainer or a ugh, I've forgotten the third one because they can be sex workers.

I've spoken to a lot who sleep with their clients for money and don't see it as an issue.

And I reckon you would be able to tell from their reactions, if they could handle it or if they are repulsed by it and then you know they aren't boyfriend/girlfriend material.

Haha probably overthinking but I like to get into the character's heads. Solve the problems maybe?

At least if you're upfront, they know what they are getting into, they aren't being lied too.

You know the moment I gave myself a break and told myself to stop writing was the moment I fell in love with it again.

It stopped being a chore and an obligation and it reverted back to being a pleasure and a joy.

This is my fifth blog in the queue for August but if you're missing the stories or the writing, every now and then I would have been putting up old posts that I really got a kick out of composing.

I just wanted to say thank you to my followers for being patient with me when I haven't always been around.

I can't make promises that I'll do better because stress and illness is a part of me and I'm always going to step away at times.

But if possible I will keep linking to classic posts that I really enjoyed putting together.

I'm settling back home and it's nice and serene but I still feel a bit emotionally agitated about the family stuff.

And I'm always going to be worried that Mama is home alone with them and she's in potential danger.

At the moment it seems less physical and more emotional scarring but that's still no comfort.

Sometimes she just seems resigned to it, like she deserves it, which no amount of protesting on my part, seems to change her mind.

I wish I could do or say something to get through to her..

I'm going to focus on the L'Occitane review as I have to be productive and try to change my mood from depressed to positive.

I don't really want to look up the price as it was a gift and that seems sneaky.

But inside the box was a shower gel, a hand cream and a perfume.

I found the fragrance to be generic which I didn't like, I gave that away.

The shower gel was really luxurious. I found it super hydrating for my skin and the scent was a mild sweetness.

I do recommend that but probably would not get it for inflated price that I assume it is.

The hand cream has a mild chemically smell that was nice and it was a lil thick, not watery and I used it on my elbows which is absorbed well into.

I recommend that as well, although I still prefer body butters. Ahh I don't think I mentioned the scrub.

Creightons scrub I compared to St Ives, which was the one I fell in love with. It wasn't as strongly scented.

Actually I'm not sure there was a scent but it was really nice and thick and my feet felt so soft and smooth afterwards.

I think it was £2.62 and that is a real bargain. I would get that again but as a foot scrub only, not for my face.

I find for me mild scrubs do nothing at all. It has to be a thick grainy scrub to be of any use.

That's what I forgot to add. I surprised Mama with 2 gifts. I figured she deserved to be spoilt and cherished because the other 2 are not loving.

The first was just some simple 500ml x2 saline solutions, so she didn't have to go trek and buy them, they will last a while.

The second, hopefully second time lucky, I found the pedicure massage mats that are draped over the chairs.

It's got the rollerball thingy that travels all over, with heat, vibration and various massages.

She didn't want the hard shiatsu one, but a thinner, gentler version and I only paid £25 for it so I hope it's effective.

She adores massages and I find them excruciating because it feels like the person is pressing into my bare bones and it's so horrible.

I hope, hope, hope, this one seems ideal and that she will get a lot of use from it, she looked it over, just in case it wasn't right but it seems to fit the bill.

It's arriving this week, maybe Wednesday or Thursday or even at the weekend but I'm excited and I had to mislead her slightly.

I said it was a late Birthday present so she would enjoy it immediately and not an early Christmas gift, she would have to wait to use.

Unlike the other two I don't care about money. I would just like to do something decent so when they harass her, at least she can feel there is an opposite side of things, where she's taken care of and has her needs met, without a bloody agenda or a quid pro quo.

Because I don't want a damn thing from her, except that she feels happy, unburdened and respected.

I know I keep getting angry but it's the thought of ongoing emotional torture which is aggravating me and I didn't realise it was happening.

I'm pleased at least that I skipped July's period but now I have some cramps.

Oh and this is day 2 of the perfectil supplements, Mama got me some and I don't usually react to those so I'm going to sample them for a month and see how I get on.

#BlogLife532 - Birthday tweetness

I wanted to say Good morning and how is your day treating you? But I got heavily distracted.

My body feels yucky but my mind feels care-free. I love shopping for others so I finished adding everything to Mama and me's gift basket and most of it will arrive on Sunday and the rest Friday.

The kitkat bundle confuses the heck out of me, first they say 20-22nd July which is really late as today is only the 12th and then my email just said it's been posted and here's the tracking number haha.

I think the longest a tracked parcel has been waiting to arrive is 4 days.

I'm not sure why there was such a big delayed estimated delivery but Mama's usually out during the week and Saturday's so hopefully they will arrive early when she's at home.

I originally wanted to try, kitkat, mint, orange, hazelnut and dark. I didn't have much choice, everything was massive bulk purchases so in the end I settled for...

Hazelnut, dark, orange and original for £12 which I didn't mind paying for.

I doubt we will consume it all and probably just give the majority away which I don't really care about, if it was ferreros then I wouldn't but I'm not a kitkat fan so that's why.

Then I was super happy because Amazon gave me discounts bahaha.

I know it's only £3 saving plus free delivery but I love a bargain. It was £21 altogether.

I bought Scottish homemade fudge (again not a fan), 2x bottles of rose non alcoholic wine.

2x bottles of sugar free dark berry tango, chocolate chip and hazelnut biscuits and ankle socks for me, although if she needs some she can take half.

I wanted to get the microwave popcorn but it was so pricey and none of the other things were in singles, like bombay mix or plantain chips.

I do like the fact that Amazon said you can keep adding to this order until Saturday and it will all arrive together.

I never knew that before. Skin wise I have two black marks on my face and I am having a mini pimple breakouts.

The new Himalaya face wash did not prevent them and doesn't seem to be removing them either, which is a shame because it's delightful to use.

I think I will go back to the L'oreal Fine Flowers after this to clear up my skin in the pink slim bottle.

I bought the Brompton House Apple Puffs 4x £1 a nice medium size and they are already cooked.

They are not as nice as the mini apple bites that Iceland has but they are fabulous value for money, considering how big they are.

It's soft pastry, sweet apple and cinnamon and tasty. It's only the tiniest bit bitter and not too sugary.

I would definitely recommend it.

#BlogLife531 - Are you a kitkat lover?

I broke the news to Mama just now that we wouldn't be celebrating together and she understood the predicament that I was in, meetings at inconvenient times.

And then I was asking if she wanted anything in particular gift-wise and surprisingly she didn't want the massage as she feels sensitive in her knees but she wouldn't mind a foodie hamper.

Non alcoholic wine, kitkat assortment. Wow, I never knew there were so many new variations now.

Mint, orange, white, caramel, yowser. I'm not a big wafer fan but the chunky peanut one is delicious.

And I have never ever seen the hazelnut version so I will get a mixed bag and add random items and I told her to text me, if she wants anything more.

There is even a Japanese strawberry one, arghhh, craziness but fun.

It's quite a warm day today and I wore the last of the new tops, the red version and it's warm but cool so I was nice and protected from the winds.

Everytime I say, I'm not going to order food, I cave and get something.

Today I saw this eggy burger and fries and I was dry heaving all morning so I added lucozade and sprite because I don't want that all day sickiness feeling which can occur.

I was thinking about hiring a professional blog designer to change the theme. I just don't know what to tell them to do with it.

And I'm really worried about the cost. I don't even know where to look, Googly woogly is confusing.

I know that I don't want a pop-up saying subscribe or welcome, I can't stand those.

I just want something where it displays clearly and it's neat and organised, with pops of colour.

But my issue is, I get so bored with templates, what if I hate it and then I will be stuck, having paid x amount for it.

That has what has prevented me from going ahead.

#BlogLife467 - Premature Mama's Day

Mama is off on her Cruise next Tuesday I think so will miss Mother's Day and I wasn't sure what to get her, she's fussy.

Don't ask me where, I keep forgetting. I just called today and asked what she wanted and she said, she's running low on scents.

I just bought a mini batch of perfume samples for when she's travelling as she said she's run out and I bought her a whole big bottle of Lustre mist by Elizabeth Taylor, it's supposed to be fruity.

I also have a bottle of sun cream and a fitted sheet for her, I know crazy bundle but it's everything she needed/wanted.

I was going to buy her dinner also but she's trying to empty her fridge before she leaves, so postponed the pedicures and lunch until then, which is fine.

I can't believe we've gotten snow again, it's the same year, that's not supposed to happen.

Actually I don't think in my neck of the woods there was any, just everybody else's, Mama was saying that the rain washed hers away and here was just windy and rainy.

I just got back from Dic's appointment, needlessly waiting a few minutes but he eventually saw me for another minute and I escaped.

Just order some fishy food, Turkish salmon and avocado sandwich, I've not tried that before and a cod fish burger.

Plus a chicken tikka sandwich, one to be consumed and the rest for tomorrow. 

Hmm it was the sliced salmon version and I'm not keen on that, prefer the chunks that have more texture and flavour.

Ooh and chocolate cake for the sweet tooth. I am so bloated and was dry heaving all morning but now I feel okay, just achey and sleepy.

I'm supposed to do an Iceland shop for tomorrow but maybe I will leave it until Sunday instead.

Ahh I tried out the new gel pens and they are dark enough and legible but I noticed sometimes I have to really press hard otherwise, no ink is visible, as though it stop-starts and that isn't ideal.

I'm trying to reduce the pressure and strain from using my hands, not add to it.

Oh I finally remembered to wear the mascara, there was no irritation at all, mind you, I only used one coat, just in case.

There wasn't any curl and next time I will build it up to another coat or two.

But usually my lenses would be blurry and coated with mascara and I wouldn't be able to see.

 

I didn't want to take that chance as I would be outdoors, maybe when I'm in the mood, I'll do it inside and see what the result is.

Goodness I forgot to wash off my makeup. It's funny on the left eye, there's no residue at all but on the right, there's a slight feel of leftover mascara.

I've just finished the Vatika hair fall shampoo and I really loved it but Mama gave me a shampoo and conditioner to try so I'm using that until it runs out and I can buy some more.

Ahh another thing I noticed about taking the supplements is that I didn't have the usual hormonal acne breakouts.

It's not a massive amount, a few pimples generally but this time nothing, clear skin.

Last mini review I just tried Dr Pepper zero sugar for the first time in my life as the restaurant I order from always gives me freebies.

The name alone is enough to put me off, pepper in a drink? Yuckity.

I didn't want to waste it so I tried some and threw the rest away because frankly, the bitter aftertaste made me gag.

It's like flat coke, sarsaparilla, that kinda dry consistency, as opposed to fresh.

Then the last flavour was like shandy I guess, I'm not sure I've even tried that but there was this alcoholic taste, ickkkk.

Just thought I would share that, it's a new experience so why not.

Although I had to get the taste out of my mouth as soon as possible!

#BlogLife411 - 1 gift for you 2 for me..

I can't wait until Christmas is over and I can go back to saving. Just kidding it's fun to spoil people!!

I don't know if you want me to mention stores or not, you might think I'm getting kickbacks but if you look at my online presence.

I'm in the minor leagues so no compensation for me, I just like reading reviews, they help me out a lot so I in turn like to assist others if I can.

I discovered a new site called Bodycareonline.co.uk and it seemed to have a good variety of products from scents to skincare so I thought I would order from there.

Boots the chemist is too pricey and Superdrug isn't that cheap either.

I don't know how I forget that December always messes up my face and leaves it exceedingly dry, every other month, I can get away with not using a moisturiser but this month punishes me.

I can't recall which face creams are my favourites so I bought a whole bunch of skincare to try.

Mama said she could do with another Gel oil, so I got her Calypso dry oil to be used on wet or dry skin and that is super hydrating.

I'm waiting for the last minute to give the giftcard and cash. I'm gutted that Malibu were doing a trio of flavoured lip balms but sold out arghh.

Those must have been great quality but perhaps not. I have never ever heard of a sleep lip mask.... Have you??

I'm guessing it's an overnight treatment to stop your luscious lippys from chapping, mine are bone dry, no matter how much I apply lip balm.

This will be an interesting experiment. I'll really try my best to add some good quality pictures on Twitter.

I'm unsure whether I have sampled Derma V10 collagen 50ml moisturiser before but as it was a £1 I had to grab it.

I also got the L'Oreal triple active 50ml for £3.50 as a backup because I think that's a thick heavy cream that sinks in and heals skin.

That's the cheapest price I've seen it, normally £4ish in other places.

I did want to try Kamil hand cream, the internet seem to be littered with good reviews but that was out of stock also booo :(

I settled with Beauty Formulas hemp 100ml cream for £1 which seems great value for money but it depends how it performs.

I'll mostly be using it on my cracked elbows from where I lean on them constantly to type, hand creams work well or body butters are even better, only if they are thick though.

If it's thin, it just doesn't do anything, it needs to be dense to sink into the layers and deeply repair the damage.

Again gift wise, I got Jovan musk deodorant which I think is an aftershave scent and hopefully it smells nice.

I've not heard of it before it was £2.59 for 150ml. Plus I saw Addiction Gold eau de toilette 50ml for just £1.59!!

These are insane prices, I scooped it up quickly before they sold out. I'll just add them together to make a cute giftset.

If you purchase the actual bundles they are overpriced for the exact same products.

Make your own lil selection of goodies and either you can get a cute tote bag or a cheap toiletry bag to tuck them into and save yourself a small fortune!

I've never heard of that either but everything I bought had great reviews so hopefully they'll be fantastic quality.

Lastly I've been seeing eye mists around for ages, it's supposed to be soothing for tender eyes but the prices have been ridiculously high.

This is the first time I've seen it reasonable so I had to get it. £1 for 15ml Treat and Ease is the make which I am unfamiliar with.

A lot of interesting testing is coming up. The Technic lip mask is £2 by the way.

I'm not thrilled about paying the £3.75 postage but apparently it's trackable with Hermes in 1-3 days so at least that will give me peace of mind, that the neighbours won't steal it.

I also didn't like they didn't have a low-high sorting order and it always displayed out of stock items, which confused me.

If you spend a whopping £30 then you get free postage but that's too expensive, I only wanted to grab some gifts and creams and I was done.

Have you finished your Christmas shopping, assuming you even celebrate it?

Are you waiting to snap up the last minute special offers? Or did you do it all ages ago and have hidden them around the house lol?

Ooh this morning I checked my email and it was ready to be despatched, I have the tracking number for Hermes and it's a 2 day delivery service, sweet.

#BlogLife184 - Bah humbug, just kidding Merry Christmas readers :D

Happy holidays to each and every one of you and I hope you are enjoying time away. Just relax and do your own unique thing.

Sorry I've been kinda quiet. I arrived safe and sound and the cab driver was a funny, chatty guy so no panic attacks while travelling and he made it easier.

Not helpful with the massage case bag, the laptop bag, the overnight bag, my handbag... But they sometimes brag the same thing..

Oh I usually help, blah blah blah.... Yea right, no tip for you. Actually the tip is..... Get off your arse and assist!!

Moving on, I'm settled in and didn't forget anything, like I usually do but I haven't been sleeping at all until now and that leaves me quite un-creative and annoyed.

Plus all these pmt symptoms even though I've finished for the month, still feeling dizzy, sickly and uncomfortably bloated so just tired and icky really.

Which means no posts for you and a million ways to try and relax for me.

No dramas yet but the family impromptly arrives tonight or tomorrow, so watch the space because I am in no mood for the bs express.

I overloaded the bags because I had extra stuff for mama and the person who shall not be mentioned. Obligatory gifts... Pfft.

I don't usually walk with my cordless shiatsu heated massager but at home I can sprawl out and write and shift positions to a nicer one, here my body is upright on a chair/sofa and it locks up painfully....

Thus applying massage and heat helps relax the tense muscles and then I don't feel so miserable and crippled in pain.

Sometimes it's just weird being outside of my home and remembering. Ooh I need this, that or the other or I am screaming in agony..

We haven't exchanged the gifts yet and I am not really fussed. I keep having this story idea in my head. 

Actually there are quite a few waiting to be written but I don't have it in me. Need more sleep for that to happen.

I'll post these at some point but not yet.

If you are wondering what I received for gifts? Cash. cash and Beats headphones in a flashy red shade with a cute baby pouch to keep them in.

February musings

I've just heard from Bzz and looks like I will get my sample of eye drops either this week or next as it's been posted, finally. 

I could do with them actually as my eyes are dry and yesterday they were quite irritable. 

I am down to my last saline bottle and shopped around and made an offer on Ebay and got a 3x for £10 deal which was accepted.

That is so unusual because sellers list make an offer but 99% off the time, they reject reasonable bids in favour of greed but this time, maybe the person was in a good mood, so yay :)

Else I would be stuck as it is scarce at the moment. I need a clothy thick heavy headband but I haven't seen many that will stay in place.

There are some yoga types but I am not paying £4+ for a lousy headband. I've tried out the Aromatherapy Associates lip balm and it is moisturising but it doesn't prevent chapping.

It is just effective in the moment but not overnight. On to the next brand, when it finishes. I have to start thinking about Mother's Day.

I usually just do a gift basket, maybe I will do drinks, nibbles and a gritty book as she likes mystery or thrillers, as long as it isn't part of a series.

She has enough beauty stuff and scents and she adored the perfumed lotions that I bought her for Christmas. They smell divine and are long lasting. 

I really hope she manages to get her shower sorted soon.

We are now at the same point where it's a strain to get in and out of the bathtub but soon after I moved in, I bought a cute lil wooden step thing that really helps.

I might browse Eden, the Christian bookstore. As long as my order is a tenner, the postage is free. I've bought a few things using Paypal for mama and haven't had any issues.

Ooh they have book lights. That's a possibility but I think she already has a few lamps. There isn't that much choice but for someone religious, it's a cute theme in their gifts.

In the past I've bought notebooks, bookmarks, pens, books. Ooh I just remembered she loves those wildlife documentaries.

I might add those to the basket too. I haven't logged in to Duolingo for a while but I did recently. I was trying to learn German again.

I thought about learning Italian and Spanish too but I can't seem to keep my interest. I will do it for a while and then it gets too difficult.

I keep mixing it up and getting it wrong. It is a fun way to learn with hearing the pronunciations and seeing it written but I have so much taking focus at the moment.