#BlogLife1044 - Don't blame others for your thoughtlessness

Something has been on my mind since it was confided and I have to find a way to talk about it, without sharing too much or any of it.

So the randoms think because they are online, they can say anything and there won't be consequences...

Big mistake. JB is still pmming me and I'm still ignoring him because frankly there won't be an apology, he won't take the blame for being a boob, he will accuse me of wrongdoing.

So my point is, why don't some people search inside and take accountability?

Do they not want to see themselves as imperfect and flawed? They can't possibly assume they are always right... 

Or can they?? Or do they not want to deal with the repercussions.. Ooh I'm in twouble!

I think that's pretty sad to be that immature, you can't hold your hand up and say Oops. I messed up. Can you forgive me?

Let's just say someone is not who he appears and when confronted, instead of saying Guilty...

He escalated and turned on the people who made time for him. Insults, lies, gossiping.

Plus playing the victim card. Oh I let my guard down and now I'm being targeted.

Ugh it makes me so angry and now I've realised just like the guy on discord, some of them get away with besmirching reputations...

And the reason why I can't stop thinking about it, even though it's kinda dealt with...

It reminds me of my family. They show one face to others... Pretending to be decent, respectful and polite.....

But within family, it's aggression, intimidation, threats, insults, danger.

And they spout bs, saying Oh I've changed from wence I was... I'm different. I'm mature. I'm wholesome...

No you're bloody not. You are the exact same evil person you always were and will continue to be.

Oh I trimmed my hair and now I don't feel so messy.

I guess what I'm saying is, Why don't you put in some real work and improve yourself?

There is an underlying total disrespect for women beneath the facade of yours.

I don't want to have anything to do with it because that is how I grew up, trying to survive, trying to find my way, realise who I wanted to be.

I try to be better. I try to help people. I just don't get certain people.

Don't you ever want to be able to look in the mirror and face yourself?

Develop a conscience? Respect someone that says No or has a different opinion?

Or for the rest of your life will you continue intimidating and bullying women to gain some sort of what......

It's not going to be affection? Tolerance?

Meh! It's your life! Waste it if you want!

Oh ffs, the pain has been so bad, ongoing and all day. I googlied whether I had appendicitis.

Nope that starts in the belly button and goes to the right side. Mine seems to be under my chest.

My 3rd period just started today. The third one in.. 3 weeks? Why won't you leave me alone??

Love, PMS, confidence, insomnia

It's a really lethal combination. I have never been one of those women to have regular monthlys. 

Mine were always weirdly scattered around, sometimes skipping two months, or one lots of spotting and really heavy flows and cramping.

I came on at the beginning of the month and now I'm on again, explains my mood swings and cravings for chocolate. 

I tend to graze more and eat smaller meals but I still always feel bloated and then I feel extra exhausted and try to sleep early but I'm too uncomfortable with the cramps.

I envy those women that only have a few days of a period, mine lasts a weekish, always has. I always tend to break out in pimples aswell but since I started taking perfectil in my teens until now, they are minimal. 

I also drink a lot of water and that helps balance the excess sugary snack intake.

I seem to spend most nights tossing and turning and laying awake playing some goofy mobile game like solitaire/cluedo/fishing superstars until my brain catches up with my body and says "Ok sleep time."

I can flirt for England but I don't miss dating. When you start off with zero confidence and guy after guy after guy belittles and insults you. It makes me not want to put myself out there. I attract users masquerading as gentleman. 

I don't give off weak and feeble anymore. I built myself up, so I'm overconfident and tough as nails to any guy because I know first hand the damage they can inflict on me.

The only thing I will admit to missing is the long conversations. Getting to know somebody and sparking interests or even being on the same wavelength, same morals and way of thinking. 

I have chatted to many a guy all night long but somehow I can detach myself from developing strong feelings for them.

I've never fallen in love before. I have had numerous crushes, dated a lot of guys but none of them have ever continually treated me in such a way that I could learn to trust, rely and give my all to them. I miss the banter and the laughter. 

That feeling of *oooh he can't get enough of me* until he does, or I do and then everything is shot to hell.

When did my wardrobe get so boring? It used to be filled with outrageous attire. Skirts with slits up to the mid thigh. See through blouses. 

Stringy tops, one of which said *squeeze me* Lots of lace and satin dry cleaning only outfits. Now there are hardly any skirts or dresses or fancy blouses. 

I wouldn't want to wear anything too provocative as that kind of attention is unwanted and offputting but something simple that makes me feel feminine and cute in my own right would suffice.

I will hopefully spot something desirable in the shops in the coming weeks before the end of July as lots of fun events approaching. 

I just wish I could wear heels. It's partially the condition and partly having extra sensitive feet as the only thing that doesn't cause me pain is my trusty smart trainers.

I'm trying to wear in some boots and shoes and hoping that one day I'll be able to wear them and not be limping on the way home.

I don't want to date anymore. I don't want a fling. I don't want anything. I want to live my life in peace and confidence, being independant, strong and capable. 

To love myself unconditionally and know that I am enough. I am smart enough, cute enough, overly curvaceous but still lovable. 

That I have a lot to offer but attracted nothing but unworthy men who should have cherished me and made me feel special and unique.

My family made me feel worthless and then every guy I dated did the same and I let them. I agreed with them when they called me fat and stupid and unappealing. 

I took it all because I felt that low and that weak. I'm not sure what the turning point was but it started off small. 

A tiny voice bravely speaking up disagreeing and saying *well actually no, I'm cute and street wise and voluptuous* and then I remembered all my other qualities that made me...me. 

The good far outweighed the bad and then the overcompensating arrogant me was developed and I haven't looked back since.