Love, PMS, confidence, insomnia

It's a really lethal combination. I have never been one of those women to have regular monthlys. 

Mine were always weirdly scattered around, sometimes skipping two months, or one lots of spotting and really heavy flows and cramping.

I came on at the beginning of the month and now I'm on again, explains my mood swings and cravings for chocolate. 

I tend to graze more and eat smaller meals but I still always feel bloated and then I feel extra exhausted and try to sleep early but I'm too uncomfortable with the cramps.

I envy those women that only have a few days of a period, mine lasts a weekish, always has. I always tend to break out in pimples aswell but since I started taking perfectil in my teens until now, they are minimal. 

I also drink a lot of water and that helps balance the excess sugary snack intake.

I seem to spend most nights tossing and turning and laying awake playing some goofy mobile game like solitaire/cluedo/fishing superstars until my brain catches up with my body and says "Ok sleep time."

I can flirt for England but I don't miss dating. When you start off with zero confidence and guy after guy after guy belittles and insults you. It makes me not want to put myself out there. I attract users masquerading as gentleman. 

I don't give off weak and feeble anymore. I built myself up, so I'm overconfident and tough as nails to any guy because I know first hand the damage they can inflict on me.

The only thing I will admit to missing is the long conversations. Getting to know somebody and sparking interests or even being on the same wavelength, same morals and way of thinking. 

I have chatted to many a guy all night long but somehow I can detach myself from developing strong feelings for them.

I've never fallen in love before. I have had numerous crushes, dated a lot of guys but none of them have ever continually treated me in such a way that I could learn to trust, rely and give my all to them. I miss the banter and the laughter. 

That feeling of *oooh he can't get enough of me* until he does, or I do and then everything is shot to hell.

When did my wardrobe get so boring? It used to be filled with outrageous attire. Skirts with slits up to the mid thigh. See through blouses. 

Stringy tops, one of which said *squeeze me* Lots of lace and satin dry cleaning only outfits. Now there are hardly any skirts or dresses or fancy blouses. 

I wouldn't want to wear anything too provocative as that kind of attention is unwanted and offputting but something simple that makes me feel feminine and cute in my own right would suffice.

I will hopefully spot something desirable in the shops in the coming weeks before the end of July as lots of fun events approaching. 

I just wish I could wear heels. It's partially the condition and partly having extra sensitive feet as the only thing that doesn't cause me pain is my trusty smart trainers.

I'm trying to wear in some boots and shoes and hoping that one day I'll be able to wear them and not be limping on the way home.

I don't want to date anymore. I don't want a fling. I don't want anything. I want to live my life in peace and confidence, being independant, strong and capable. 

To love myself unconditionally and know that I am enough. I am smart enough, cute enough, overly curvaceous but still lovable. 

That I have a lot to offer but attracted nothing but unworthy men who should have cherished me and made me feel special and unique.

My family made me feel worthless and then every guy I dated did the same and I let them. I agreed with them when they called me fat and stupid and unappealing. 

I took it all because I felt that low and that weak. I'm not sure what the turning point was but it started off small. 

A tiny voice bravely speaking up disagreeing and saying *well actually no, I'm cute and street wise and voluptuous* and then I remembered all my other qualities that made me...me. 

The good far outweighed the bad and then the overcompensating arrogant me was developed and I haven't looked back since.