#BlogLife786 - I'm fiction but I'm also real

I love winter, the mornings are tough waiting for the heating and the blankie to warm up but once it does, it's lovely and toasty.

Especially when the pain is climbing and I feel generally sore all over, the warmth aids my recovery.

I've just booked the shopping for tomorrow morning and I saw something new that was going for a £1, roti parathas from Crown Farms.

It's only 5 included and I don't think it's wholemeal and I hope it's not spicy but I thought I would try and see if it's more like a roti as those are my favourite things to make a wrap with.

I also saw some chicken kebab meat to put inside, plus olives and who knows if the regular coleslaw will be in stock?

I also got some croissants and I saw chocolate custard that looked fabulous to try but I didn't get it.

I'm sticking to the basics for the moment and still stretching the meals out, buying things on sale or taking advantage of special offers.

Just unpacked the shopping and checked the post, nothing new. I tried the roti parathas, it's nothing remotely roti flavoured, they just seem to puff out more and are thicker but the wholemeal version is way better.

It was only a pound and only a handful inside so no wastage, I can eventually eat all of them, which is why I chose it.

This one I had kinda plain, no butter, just olives and coleslaw (it was finally in stock yay). I wasn't that hungry so I wanted something simpler.

I missed olives so much. I also saw some crispy shredded chicken which would suit the wrap sandwich as well.

I thought I had started my period but I haven't. I'm still craving sugar and chocolate though.

I'm going to have a croissant and then I'm done. I'm going to set myself a deadline and try and finish the latest Christmas story before Christmas so I can publish it then.

It's got a fair bit of work to do. I've picked the title, written about 7 chapters already and I'm overwhelmed already because I gave myself more work on this one.

It's a different style, to my usual but I'm going to try and ignore the self doubt and self criticisms and push through.

This is the way it came to me, bubbled in my head and that's why I'm doing it this way but it's already changed directions a few times.

I don't get hung up on that, I just go with the flow but it means I'm constantly re-thinking scenes because the outcome is now different to have I initially envisioned it.

It's a process and inspiration is very rare at the moment and now I'm cramping so I don't think I'll eat anymore, until later.

Sometimes it plays out, the way I see it, but just in a different way and other times it's just doesn't end up working, which is why I don't write the ending first, or skip ahead, it's constantly evolving and that's how it happens for me, anyway.

For others it might be different but I don't want to force it to fit together, I want it to be natural.

Hmm I tried the shredded chicken, I'm not keen on that, it's over breaded and has no real flavour, I won't buy that again.

The chicken kebab meat is alright, maybe I overcooked it but it needs more seasoning.

I'm trying not to overthink and keep everything in perspective so I've been watching Christmas movies, some old and some new and that helps to relax me.

Feelgood vibes, nothing scary or confusing just simplicity and romance and a satisfying conclusion, where everyone ends up happy and fulfilled.

#BlogLife422 - Driving me away

This has been on my mind but I actually forgot about it until I was wondering what am I going to discuss for the weeks posts.

My family relationships are not stereotypical, they are very murky and troublesome.

For the first time ever, my mama said.... "Oh if you like you can get a lift down with your brother......" 

"He doesn't mind!"

And this has been going around and around in my head for several reasons.

1. He's been driving for years (with/without a licence) and never ever offered me a lift before.

He's spotted me out and about and said nothing. (Which actually I'm fine with but just to give you background information). 

2. What's so different about this year? I don't really see why now, unless mama just prodded him to "bond" with me or to help me reduce cab fares.

3. He suddenly is going to do something for someone without a reward in return? A lil kickback? What is in it for him??

4. He still petrifies me! No part of me wants to be in a confined space with him or even a regular space for any amount of time.

5. He has a vicious temper and would be road raging through the whole journey, which would set my PTSD into overdrive and I would find it hard to breathe.

6. What on earth would we talk about?

I'm not sure why some parents treats sons like God's who can do no wrong.

But they elevate their status and even when fault is discovered, it's swept under the carpet.

I'll give you an example of this. I wasn't going to share this, it didn't seem my business but here goes....

We were invited to this prayer meeting back in my young, young, religious days.

The host said I'm really panicking because my son is in trouble with the law for stabbing his girlfriend/wife in the neck, I can't recall many details but it was with a glass.

I didn't even have time to process that information. Which is horrifying.

As the next thing she said was, I hope he doesn't go to jail for it, he didn't mean it, let's pray that he doesn't suffer or get punished.......................!

She must have provoked him in some way. (She blamed the girlfriend/wifey completely).

Can we all take a minute to digest that because it took me a while (some time later) before I said to my mama covertly....

Hang on, maybe he needs professional help, maybe this will be a warning to not attack a woman...

Maybe this will scare him straight at least.

Nobody in that room said anything like that. That still haunts me!

Which was another nail in the coffin for religion, if abuse is tolerated and not seen as wrong, which was the impression that I got..

Even my own mama said something blase like we should support her wishes etc etc.

Anyway I guess I wanted to put it in some context to make my point.

I've never been hit, slapped, punched or kicked by them but I have been screamed at, threatened and verbally abused constantly.

I mean daily, day in and day out. I guess I can forgive to a point or I could have, if it ceased but it never did.

My confidence was shattered. I just felt low for so long, that I carried the blame on my shoulders internally and didn't realise the impact back then and the ongoing struggle I would face to find myself.

A shy curious girl that wanted to write and be expressive but not attract hate and violence.

You see what bothers me is that she has forgiven him and wiped his slate clean but I still live with fear.

She never, well it never occurred to her once, to enquire..

I know he's not your favourite but is this alright?

Do you think you'll be able to cope, trapped with him in a car?

Is this too much? Are you uncomfortable with the idea?

I think the fact she constantly dismisses my feelings, just kills me.

That's her son and I can see she would want to see the best in him.

I can sense that she would want to see the good and any improvements in him but history cannot be erased.

Verbal threats and intimidation was what I lived with and she did too!

I can't just wave a wand and pretend things are better, when they aren't!!

A whole chunk of depression and suicidal thoughts were attributed to my home life.

Why does she expect me to instantly move on???? I'm not going to say things are alright, when they are not.

I will not lie to spare your emotions! The more I look inside myself, the more dysfunction I locate.

Growing up the way I did, was the whole reason Dear Bully and Crazy Self Therapy even exist!

#BlogLife130 - Oh baby! Oh baby!! Oh baby!!! *Mature audiences only*

Giggles, if you are wondering what on earth, the title is referring too, well here goes. I mean I don't know if I could do it but I was thinking of writing a short steamy story.

To be perfectly honest, it's something I have thought about for a long time since reading trashy romance novels and not quite understanding them but enjoying them all the same.

I guess it would be a big challenge for me. I admit *holds hand up* I confess I read stuff like that from time to time. Typically when I get the surge of hormones.

My mood can just range from seething hostility to sadness to friskiness but I want an actual readable story. A nice interesting setting and something realistic-ish.

A hint of romance with normal emotions, nothing over the top or immoral. I can't really see me publishing it on here, assuming I could even compose it.

However there is a site I use. I don't know if I should mention it. It kinda would be a hoot to submit something and see if it would get any feedback..

Meanwhile I took the plunge and re-read Faithless Pursuit again from the beginning. You know I didn't cringe as much as I thought.

For a first attempt it came out better than I could have hoped for, better than I assumed really. It's definitely alright. I will just keep writing Lethal Curves Ahead and try to make it a good effort.

I've already made a start but I'll just make it short and see if I can develop it into something passionate or just leave it as a throwaway story that I challenged myself to write.

I pretty much failed on the short and racy themes. It is neither. Surprisingly it was easy to concoct and I have no shortage of ideas.

I haven't completely finished it, I just wrote one chapter and I know how to end it. I saw J last night and he said he might do a story too so we can compare notes.

Bahaha. Hysterical. I told him he should do a voiceover. He thinks we would be overnight sensations. What a loon :D

I'm still working on Lethal Curves Ahead. I just get disillusioned writing the same story after a while. I need fresh material.

I think if I can manage this whether clean or spicy, it will inspire me to come up with more stories so I can have that thrill of more publishing.

I just don't know if I have the courage to submit it anywhere...