#BlogLife671 - Crazy Self Therapy 9 - Me against the family

Doc, thanks for fitting me in, this is a bit of an emergency although I'm not sure I can put it into words.

Listen SS you don't usually force it, let it come out naturally as per usual, alright?

That is just the problem, I have to get it out, as soon as possible, today in fact, the stress and apprehension is too much to cope with, so many stirred emotions.

What exactly happened to get you into this state?

Truth? An ex part of the family said that he was going to plot so much trouble for us that we would appear as law breakers and be thrown in jail, all of us, unless we paid him money, lots and lots of money.

Wow! Could he do that? Why would he do that?

My fear is that he made it convincing and showed us the report and made us think, we were all going to be harrassed so much so, that we would make ourselves crazy or plead with him to stop and send him the blackmailed money.

This is almost unbelievable but then he has been in jail, has been in trouble with the law and is the criminal, that steals from others and abuses them constantly.

How are you coping, what are you going to do? Knowing that you have always tried your best to be someone who believes in treating others fairly and helping them?

I wanted to hold it together and shrug it off. I know that no-one in the family would comply and send him cash.

But I just felt helpless and weak and lost sleep and my appetite thinking any minute now, Cops will knock on the door and cart me off to jail because of him and his evil words.

Fear took over your rational mind, in other words and this is what he was banking on?

Absolutely. I just felt as trapped as I was, growing up with two devils who tarnished my whole world and made it a scary place.

What happened next?

My Mama said she was going to write him this long farewell forever email and block him, pfft, as if she knows how.

I thought, he is loving the attention and power over us. Just say one word GOODBYE! 

And he would lose his mind. I just thought I'm kinda sick and tired of all of them.

She keeps forgiving him and he keeps hurting us and I want to cut them out permanently for own sanity sake.

She called today and I looked at the phone thinking, ugh, I don't want to talk to you but I was curious about any developments.

In the end, I called her back and she said, Oh turns out, he lied and never filed any documents about us and that he wasn't going to torment us until we were all behind bars after all.....

You see now this is the part where I am supposed to be all relieved but to me, it just shows what he can do.

I bet she is already forgiving him and that's what I can't stand!

I angrily spoke my mind and said, Don't mention their names to me, either of them, they are evil, we are good, we make the world a better place and they have no part in it.

They are dead to me!!

She said alright but I know that she won't respect my wishes.

Which is why I am taking a break from her, or at least stepping back.

That is a lot to process so this is why you have felt so low and depressed?

I felt hunted once again as though he was holding a weapon and saying. I can end you anytime I want and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Ha Ha Ha.

Listen to me SS. Hear me good. I know that you've always been bullied and tortured mentally.

I know that your family tried to stop you from succeeding and being positive and sharing.

But I also know that each day you managed to gather up courage and spread your gift with the world.

You write and open up to show others, some people have imperfect lives and childhoods and families.

Some people feel no-one can relate to them but you show, that you do.

You encourage them and support them the way your family, held you back and didn't.

Cutting ties as a parent is nearly impossible so perhaps you should cut her some slack, although I do know that you can be a fragile person also.

At least you spoke your mind and told her how you feel.

Thanks Doc but I'm still angry because the next time, this crap happens and it will....

I'm going to feel like saying.... Mama you brought this bs on yourself by keeping him in your life, so don't come crying to me about it.

Except I'm too kind to do that so I will keep it to myself but share it on here before I burst.

A part of me wants to protect her feelings and the other part is on the verge of snapping and telling her, like it really is.

But if I did that, I would be just as cruel and heartless as they are and I am nothing like them!

I don't know why she can't accept my truth about how they affected me, my lack of trust, the way I retreated from people.

But everytime I say I want nothing to do with them, she cuts me off and says Yea, Yea, Yea.

I don't think she's brave enough to ask me the question......Why??

As an adult woman of 45 years old I deserve to feel secure and protected from harm.

When am I ever going to be free?

#BlogLife590 - Would you be willing to spend Christmas with an abuser? / Dear Mama..

Song of the day - Faouzia - RIP Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUDq4AOlMc&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

Well Mama mia called me back finally and it was a mostly pleasant conversation, until I brought up, who is coming for Christmas??

Then I felt a bit sick because once again she defends the abuser.

I asked because he just left, would he still come down for Christmas and the answer was...

Not what I was expecting. She said that he actually might because the people he usually spends it with, are not talking to him.

Ugh! It does not surprise me. Those two are a menace to society.

She said that she realises, I wouldn't come down and my voice actually cracked when I had to say for the thousandth time, I am petrified.

I had to point out that both of them were clever and I think on the whole, they threatened and were aggressive, when my parents weren't around.

But my folks still knew something was up and did nothing.

Anyway she said, Oh he's really calm and helpful, he has been useful, for the past few years, maybe it's the medications because he's a different person.

That is always a knife in my heart, every time she defends them because it is as though, from my perspective, she wants to pretend and bury, what I went through and still go through.

Sorry NO. I'm not going to let you sweep it under the bloody carpet.

I don't know if she wants to pretend she's a perfect parent or what??!!

But I said, well blurted out that I would rather spend Christmas, alone, safe and happy.

Then I just changed the subject honestly because I didn't want to break down in tears and I feel like, with certain topics, I'm basically talking to myself.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for? Maybe for her to acknowledge, that they were harmful to my fragile being?

That no matter what they do and say, the abuse happened.

The name calling, the persecution, the confidence knocks and the freedom to express myself and have an opinion or feel secure was missing during my whole life.

At home was a dictatorship. I found in the end, I didn't even know what I wanted or what I thought anymore.

I still struggle and become frustrated and angry, trying to do the impossible and still I will not ever ask for assistance.

I will not let people see me weak and fragile and helpless.

I know what happens when they do.. Honestly the older one could be different, maybe he has had a bloody lobotomy??

But deep down I don't think those two are capable of being nice to me.

They look at me and see absolutely no armour. I can try to be brave or tough and I hear that angry tone and I'm just knocked down.

I can't even pretend to be strong and they know this, as they have spent years and years tormenting me, poking fun and looking down on me..

Cutting me off and taking my power away. I also think being forced to mingle with them/him would tell him I have forgiven and forgotten.

I will never give him that satisfaction. I honestly don't think they have any sort of a conscience in the first place but just in case they do.

I will not provide them with inner peace and for the first timers, reading this..

In the past I strove to forgive them both and let go of the bitterness and rage that had built up inside of me.

Everyone says it is better to make peace and move on. I did, again and again and again.

Yet the abuse returned, again and again and again and continues. There is just hate directed at not only me but Mama also.

I feel I have done what I could and now I continue to heal myself and try to not think about them and be productive and a decent person to myself and others.

But whenever I hear their names and the scene is changed, I revert back to my childhood and how trapped I felt and emotionless.

I was just so shut down from everything and everyone. There were so many veiled threats.

At this moment in time because I feel kinda perturbed and frustrated..

I would just relish saying.... 

Dear Mama,

You know what? I know you don't take me seriously.

I know that you dismiss what I went through and like to assume I exaggerate and am holding a grudge to be petty and to seek attention.

But everything I tell you, happened and scarred me for life.

I am honestly afraid of men.

I tried to kill myself and you didn't know because I didn't want to face another day being a member of this family.

Why would I do that? If I was coping?

You know when that first attempt didn't work? I kept on attempting it.

If, like you think, that I wanted the focus on myself only, why did I cover my tracks?

Why didn't I tell you or anyone else?

I am angry with you, that you didn't make it stop, or intervene with any heart to really put an end to it.

I'm furious that you didn't see me sinking. That I was losing it and I was close to the edge.

What hurts me the most is having to relive the anguish, how I felt back then.

I have to force myself to explain to you, why I feel the way I do and why I hate them, over and over and over again.

I don't understand why you expect me to be over a lifetime of abuse?

As though it never happened?

I lose respect for you and some affection, each time you do that.

We both know I will never be this honest with you because I wonder if you would believe me.

Or maybe you would not react at all?

Every time I tried to communicate, I was interrupted or talked over.

Every time I disagreed with them, I was bullied into their whims.

My head started off as bursting with thoughts, ideas, silliness and fun.

You know what it became? Emptiness.

I tiptoed around or stayed in my room. I berated myself to not say anything to make them angry.

They never said, I'll kill you or I will hurt you.

It was always, Really? You'll see what happens to you...

Or Huh, we'll see..

Or If you don't.......... If you dare disagree, I won't be happy.

It wasn't what they said, the words they used. It was what wasn't spoken.

The look of psychotic murder that was barely contained.

That is what I couldn't take, they would one day, strangle me, stab me, punch me, kick me, stamp on my neck etc.

I know you don't think they are capable of it. You think I am just making it up, exaggerating for effect.

Putting it on, to shock you but this was my daily fear, day in, day out.

I began to despise myself. Their behaviour made me think I repelled people.

I came to the conclusion that something inside me was so disgusting that I didn't deserve love, respect and kindness, from a single soul.

(Deep down, my fear is, that it's true and that, I want to, need to shake this feeling and scream they're mistaken but a whole part of me.. Believes the worst).

Do you know what that feels like? To take the blame for other's treatment?

To grow up thinking, from a child to an adult, that I was good for absolutely nothing in life.

That I was too brainless to figure anything out.

I'm your daughter, you're only one and yet, even you....

You didn't see me.

You don't see me.

One memory has always stayed in my mind. I think I was about 4/5years old.

It was a birthday party for the elder one and I know he didn't want me there.

As we hosted it, my parents probably said, she lives here, she's family, she will be there, whether you like or not.

This is the only bit I recall clearly. I was standing in the middle of the room and observing the other kids.

They were running around, laughing, playing and carefree. It struck me that I wasn't like that, I couldn't be like that.

I wanted to make friends and smile and talk but I didn't know how.

I wondered why the other two were popular and had friends when they were horrible human beings?

But me, who always tried to be nice, didn't have any.

During this lil contemplation, I can't remember anything else but I have a strong feeling, the next part happened.

And it was the start of my self-loathing. I think the elder approached me and probably viciously said...

Either.. 

You don't belong here or I don't want you here, or if you join in, the fun stops. Get out!

And I don't think I was teary, upset or shocked really, he has been saying nasty things to me all my life.

I think that I just nodded and let his evil words tear me apart.

As a small delicate lil girl. I thought there is something wrong with me.

It's my fault that people don't like me. I'm a stupid, pathetic nobody, who will never be capable of intelligence or friendliness.

And I didn't know how to tell someone or get help to be different, to be somebody that people wanted to be around.

I have a feeling that I walked into the kitchen and either looked at my Mama or went to my room.

And if my parents were there, they probably encouraged me to go back.

I guess I shook my head but what I wanted to say was..

What's wrong with me? And will anyone ever love me and be happy that I'm with them?

I shed tears for us both because I can't have a close bond with you, due to all of the above.

#BlogLife422 - Driving me away

This has been on my mind but I actually forgot about it until I was wondering what am I going to discuss for the weeks posts.

My family relationships are not stereotypical, they are very murky and troublesome.

For the first time ever, my mama said.... "Oh if you like you can get a lift down with your brother......" 

"He doesn't mind!"

And this has been going around and around in my head for several reasons.

1. He's been driving for years (with/without a licence) and never ever offered me a lift before.

He's spotted me out and about and said nothing. (Which actually I'm fine with but just to give you background information). 

2. What's so different about this year? I don't really see why now, unless mama just prodded him to "bond" with me or to help me reduce cab fares.

3. He suddenly is going to do something for someone without a reward in return? A lil kickback? What is in it for him??

4. He still petrifies me! No part of me wants to be in a confined space with him or even a regular space for any amount of time.

5. He has a vicious temper and would be road raging through the whole journey, which would set my PTSD into overdrive and I would find it hard to breathe.

6. What on earth would we talk about?

I'm not sure why some parents treats sons like God's who can do no wrong.

But they elevate their status and even when fault is discovered, it's swept under the carpet.

I'll give you an example of this. I wasn't going to share this, it didn't seem my business but here goes....

We were invited to this prayer meeting back in my young, young, religious days.

The host said I'm really panicking because my son is in trouble with the law for stabbing his girlfriend/wife in the neck, I can't recall many details but it was with a glass.

I didn't even have time to process that information. Which is horrifying.

As the next thing she said was, I hope he doesn't go to jail for it, he didn't mean it, let's pray that he doesn't suffer or get punished.......................!

She must have provoked him in some way. (She blamed the girlfriend/wifey completely).

Can we all take a minute to digest that because it took me a while (some time later) before I said to my mama covertly....

Hang on, maybe he needs professional help, maybe this will be a warning to not attack a woman...

Maybe this will scare him straight at least.

Nobody in that room said anything like that. That still haunts me!

Which was another nail in the coffin for religion, if abuse is tolerated and not seen as wrong, which was the impression that I got..

Even my own mama said something blase like we should support her wishes etc etc.

Anyway I guess I wanted to put it in some context to make my point.

I've never been hit, slapped, punched or kicked by them but I have been screamed at, threatened and verbally abused constantly.

I mean daily, day in and day out. I guess I can forgive to a point or I could have, if it ceased but it never did.

My confidence was shattered. I just felt low for so long, that I carried the blame on my shoulders internally and didn't realise the impact back then and the ongoing struggle I would face to find myself.

A shy curious girl that wanted to write and be expressive but not attract hate and violence.

You see what bothers me is that she has forgiven him and wiped his slate clean but I still live with fear.

She never, well it never occurred to her once, to enquire..

I know he's not your favourite but is this alright?

Do you think you'll be able to cope, trapped with him in a car?

Is this too much? Are you uncomfortable with the idea?

I think the fact she constantly dismisses my feelings, just kills me.

That's her son and I can see she would want to see the best in him.

I can sense that she would want to see the good and any improvements in him but history cannot be erased.

Verbal threats and intimidation was what I lived with and she did too!

I can't just wave a wand and pretend things are better, when they aren't!!

A whole chunk of depression and suicidal thoughts were attributed to my home life.

Why does she expect me to instantly move on???? I'm not going to say things are alright, when they are not.

I will not lie to spare your emotions! The more I look inside myself, the more dysfunction I locate.

Growing up the way I did, was the whole reason Dear Bully and Crazy Self Therapy even exist!

#BlogLife397 - Challenges of upcoming December

I have been using Yahoo mail forever now. I like the layout and it's easy. I only signed up to Protonmail for the randoms, penpals and for this blog.

They were vague when they said they were changing and I didn't know whether I had to re-sign up and pick a new email.

I didn't do anything and then they emailed me to say, I didn't need to alter my details, just to sign in at the new location and I bookmarked it and that was it. Phew.

I did a lil side project and was just paid £10 Amazon for it so that was handy. 

I know what I'll get mama for Christmas as even over the phone she sounded excited about it, even though she downplayed it.

As well as cash, which was requested, I'll get her a Just Eat (food delivery service) voucher for when she can't be bothered to cook. 

Her latest craving is Sri Lankan food so although I feel like she's been curbing her expenses, I think she'll appreciate it.

She said she's planning to go to Canada for January and I know she's missed travelling so that will be great for her. She's going to spend time with her mama for two weeks and chill for a while.

I'm trying not to think about the Christmas get-together as I don't know who else will be there and it's stressful enough at the moment.

Aw I'm going to miss my blankie, so nice curling underneath it and dozing in the afternoons. It's a bit too heavy to pack.

I don't really nap while I'm there but now I guess I'll have my own room, so it'll be more convenient, especially when my insomnia tends to be overstretched.

Lack of sleep leads to crankiness and lack of creativity. I may go on another hiatus, I haven't decided..

Oh and I was thinking I should challenge myself to compose another Christmas short story before the year is out...

I have no idea what to base it on. Eeek. Plus if I do travel home. I have got to find a way to ignore the verbal abuse.

The constant critiques and put downs. That drives me nuts and leads me to be depressed.

I'm not sure how to do that either. I'll have to make a plan eventually. As it's getting mentally destructive, even more so now.

On a plus note, I've just done a whole new shopping haul. Yes, I know I said I was stopping but it turns out I needed a few extra things.

Four tops, one skirt, one/two trousers the offer wasn't clear but at least those will be shorter. 

I was able to pick the length and I always go for 29 inches for the inside leg, so it's a lil longer than necessary but not swimming on me.

A glue stick as I hate licking envelopes, yuckity, ick plus Murine eye drops as the other one is finishing and my eyes feel so dry.

Some of the tops look so Christmassy so that's exciting. Oh and I bought a new ultra soft purple cotton hand towel.

The only thing left is some hair clips. I can't decide which ones to get, so I'll leave that for now.

I'm kinda hustling because at the end of the month is a new postal strike. Eeek.

#BlogLife278 - Are you a psycho or a sociopath?

My head is in pieces. I can't even come up with a title for this post. I've been mostly resting and listening to music but something has been trying to piece together.

It just didn't want to finalise yet. It's a thing I have to say but maybe I've already shared it, how is this time different?

I don't want to make excuses. I figure I was adored as a baby by everyone but him, he was jealous.

As the second child, I guess I got the attention. I was told he despised it, even took a scissors to my hair. I don't know the extent but that's not normal is it?

Then because I was animated and looking for someone to share my joy and antics I admired him and wanted him to like me and spend time with me.

But as I grew older and became aware of my surroundings and what was really going on. I discovered his antipathy towards me.

I didn't understand. I told myself to be better. Not to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing but no matter what, I just made him angrier.

The harder I tried, the more he told me to shush, the more he chased me and made fun and ridiculed me.

I don't remember my parents telling him to stop. I recall wondering.. 

Why was I was such a terrible person?

I started to get really afraid. The aggressive tones, the hatred directed at me. The dismissals. 

The only time, that he appeared to be civil, when was the other nightmare child was born or when others were around. 

Neither of them misbehaved outdoors ever. They were extremely careful at how they were perceived.

It's like the eldest figured the only way to be included in our carefree playing was to act nice to me.

It worked for a bit and then he would snap and turn the other against me.

I would run and run and run for my well being. Lock myself away for my welfare. I never goaded him.

By that time I figured one day. he will catch me and kill me. It will be done and over.

Then I observed him when we socialised outside of the home. He was respectful, well mannered and happy.

While I stood in the corner, petrified to move or speak. He charmed everyone and nobody suspected what a maniac he was.

I don't know at what point he started with drugs but I know anything could set him off, even before he started using.

I know when my parents divorced. I was relieved, he opted to stay behind and I thought maybe I'll survive after all.

But then he came to spend time with us and then I didn't want to leave my room anymore.

I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to loathe myself because I hadn't figured out yet, that the problem wasn't me.

All this time, all these tears later.. I thought.. I assumed that there was something wrong with me.

I think I was a teenager when I worked it out. That I was normal. That it was him but by that time, it was too late.

I was depressed and fearful.

"Don't embarrass me!"

I remember those words ringing in my ears. He said it but others thought it. 

I wondered how was I supposed to act? What was the acceptable topic to discuss?

Then the other one started on drugs and this time. I just wanted it to end.

I didn't know what was expected of me but I just couldn't seem to change, to appease, to be tolerable.

People enquired about them, as though they were decent and human. They thought I was the peculiar one.

How dare I not speak to them. How dare I stand up for myself. How dare I become frustrated.

Everyone made them out to be saints and I was the sinner. I was the bad seed. I didn't belong and they told me so.

I'm happy to say that I no longer hate myself but I'm still hiding.

I step back when someone is shouting. I retreat. I switch off. I'm impossible to locate.

When someone invades my space and antagonises me. I leave. I escape to find safety.

I haven't felt free for a while now. I haven't talked much. There have been no randoms.

I've been throwing myself into writing but today I am looking over my shoulder.

Unsavoury dreams are plaguing me. I am being hunted. I am in danger.

Goodbye peace, you were the only thing keeping me sane.