#BlogLife849 - What do you get out of playing games?

Just under a week later I bump into J and he's all smiley acting as if he didn't stop replying to me.

I clarified....Um didn't you ghost me? He said No, sorry had some stresses come up..

Why he didn't say that earlier, is beyond me.. Could have said Hey, I don't feel talking at the moment, I'll reach out later..

Easy peasy. Anyway I'm thinking hmm. Then he acts like he doesn't want to talk, huge pauses in between responses.

He doesn't say, bear with me, I'm juggling a few things, just silence and then he answers me.

I don't see the point of him reaching out, then about 20 minutes go by and zilch!

So I just left him to it. Why all the game playing? Why not leave me be?

No-one is forcing him to converse, he could have left me alone. I'm not sure why the J's are like this ha, it's ridiculous!

I've done everything I wanted to today but I feel so sluggish. I want to sleep but I can't, it's too damn sunny, give me a rainstorm please.

My stomach keeps cramping and lurching so it doesn't encourage me to eat or drink, I feel so uncomfy most of the time.

The good news is I finished the subpar aloe vera body butter and am now on to the Golden Dusk.

It's thicker, creamier and longer lasting, loving it so far. It smells as though you've lit a candle.

Musky, perfumey, like a sweet and savoury mix that lingers throughout the day.

I only applied a light layer and it lasted all day. It's not overpowering, it's mild but it's lovely.

I can't pinpoint a specific scent sorry. I suppose it feels more like I'm wearing essential oils, than something artificial.

I want to do some tidying today before tomorrow's boiler checkup appointment but I feel too wretched.

All I want to do is lay down and rest. It's not helping that my chest keeps having painful twinges.

I can't wait for the weekend as no-one will be disturbing then. Yesterday I had a strange experience with the phone.

I was trying to shut it down to charge it and accidentally clicked or triggered something.

It went to developer mode, that safe mode, when you're troubleshooting but I don't know why.

I wasn't sure how to exit, I restarted or switched it off, I can't recall.

Then it was partially back to normal but aeroplane mode was constantly on and couldn't seem to be deactivated.

I finally found the option under settings but weirdly enough the wifi was still working, so strange.

Then the clock widget disappeared, the wallpaper was gone. I thought Nooo..

Did it revert back to factory settings? Did I wipe it clean? Do I have to start over?

My downloads and games seemed fine. The display just looked as though it had been reset.

It's normal now, that was just peculiar.

#BlogLife846 - Is it hormones?

I feel a bit off today. I'd like to write but my brain is torn. I think I've been ghosted by another J, why do we even bother at this point? Ha

That's fine, it was like talking to a quizzer anyway, as though he googlied questions.

I prefer more stories less interrogation techniques. Anyway yesterday I heard back from Mama but instead of email, she texted.

And didn't say she was alright, just something impersonal instead, which doesn't reassure me one bit, that she is safe and not surrounded by physical or mental cruelty.

She probably wouldn't admit it anyway. At least she can have fun spoiling, fussing over a newborn.

I am just concerned that he will steal her money or try some sort of blackmail technique, like if you don't give me cash, you'll never see your grandkid again.

He's psychotic enough to do that, although she's given his inheritance already, he's squandered it and her savings have gone now.

But I don't trust him at all. Even without the drug use, he/both brothers have a screw loose.

They despise women and are comfortable with threats and violence to get their way.

Nice to others, but behind closed doors, I certainly grew up wishing I was never born.

I'll be relieved when she returns next month. I don't really want to push her for information.

And I'll be completely honest, you can hate me if you want but I have no earthly interest or curiosity about seeing my niece or nephew.

The spawn of the devil, is not my concern. Sorry but anything to do with him, I don't want to know.

When I'm stressed and I have nightmares taking me away from my serene place, it's always because family is present in the dreams, haunting me.

I feel fed up and irritated at the moment. I'm not sure why. Before I go to sleep, I try to think of a comforting place.

I try to hit pause on all the stressy things. I might take some deep breaths.

There is something else that is an overshare. It makes no sense.

When I escape to fantasy land, when I want peace and a way to cope...

I always pretend I'm with a good guy, that I'm getting to know, and he's doing the same.

I think about sex and intimacy constantly and sometimes I freak out, other times, it just seems to happen.

But in real life, I know that I would be guarded. Now that I've sorta come to terms with my childhood upbringing and traumas.

I can no longer pretend they didn't happen. I used too, as though it couldn't ever repeat the pattern.

Things are different now, every date that I go on in the future, if I let myself..

I'll have to face it that this guy can not only hurt me emotionally, but physically too.

Which mostly prevents me from doing it and saying Yes I'll meet you.

For me I can't imagine settling down and finding a life partner. It's too far fetched, having never successfully found a decent boyfriend.

Probably the most I would hope for, is to find a man to talk too, hang out but taking things very slowly.

Letting it unfold naturally instead of bedroom antics. One issue I have is that, it's been so long since I've done anything physical, what if I get carried away?

The other is, what if I have a breakdown? What if I burst into tears or start screaming?

Or get trapped in a massive panic attack and blackout? In all honesty, all those things probably won't happen.

I think I'll have the strength to say, You know what? That's enough for now.

I'm not ready to go any further or I need a minute. Eventually I'll have to explain myself.

Explain the hesitancy, explain why I don't trust anyone and explain why I'm not comfortable around men or why I can't opn up without being prompted or gently coaxed into it.

It's 2.20pm and I haven't had anything to eat or drink. Ugh I'm sick of having no appetite.

Is it really hormones? I have to fix myself something and watch a foodie video to kickstart my hunger.

All these things I have to do, just to be normal. Yeesh. I don't look forward to that conversation either.

Where do I start? Ugh I don't even want to do it for the blog. Most of my readers I expect know already.

Maybe it's not just about finding someone, maybe it's proving to myself I'm not entirely broken, I've managed to somewhat heal.

And I'm capable of loving and being loved?

#BlogLife751 - What is J after?/ The reason I'm not attracted to younger men..

This weekend I thought I would observe T's behaviour. I just found him peculiar.

It's almost like he was keeping tabs on me but from a distance. He wouldn't say Hi on chat, but when I left, an hour or so later, he'd text and start a conversation.

Almost as though, either he didn't want to compete with others I was chatting too or he himself was trying to find someone, failed and then I was the slim pickings/default/leftovers??

I didn't like that at all. Plenty of half text sessions, where he would leave part way through and then randomly text really late and continue it.

I want someone to text me if they are missing me, have news or fancy spending time with me.

I don't accept someone is bored and everyone else is busy so you're left to entertain them, nope, nope, nope.

I ended up blocking him. I didn't tell him honestly because I doubt he would care either way. I certainly don't.

Next, ha, last night up pops J's text, with a new number and yet another explanation.

Honestly that cracked me up. I just looked at it and thought, Why do you keep texting me?

It's obvious you don't want to stay in contact but yet you can't keep away? I couldn't stop laughing.

Do I reply? Do I ignore? This is what he basically said in the text at 10.30pm at night..

Hi, this is J. I love that he is the only one to re-introduce himself, he wants me to know, exactly who is texting from this new number.

That makes me laugh, as no other random does that, they just say Hi and not, Hey it's X..

Anyway, he said the company makes him change his number, every time he travels home, aka America or New York, can't recall exact details.

But he lives over here, part of the time. (I wonder why, he never contacts me in the day time)?

Does he conscience only bother him at night? Ha.

He said Sorry I didn't call, I'm seeing someone now but it wasn't you.

I just thought Hmm, I should be gutted at this double rejection. As though he's screaming, just to further clarify, I Don't Want You!

But actually the whole thing just tickled me so I thought, Alright let's just reply and make him know, I'm doing just peachy without him :)

I just simply said. Of course it wasn't moi. I'm too fabulous, (which I am)!

And I thought right, that's reassured him, I'm not weeping or pining over him, that is that and he won't reply.

Then somehow, he kept texting, I kept replying. I shared some vulnerabilities, without the context, as I thought, well, I won't be hearing from him again and that was the sombre mood I was in.

And I think he liked that human side of me. Then just before 1am, he called and we ended up having another sorta heart to heart.

He seemed to think I was devastated by the rejection but I wasn't.

I think because previously we had gotten on well, had a laugh and so forth and I was convinced he would want to stay in touch but he didn't due to personal problems and so forth.

Then I was going through hardships myself, with multiple injuries.. It was just more surprising than anything.

He seemed to care about what I thought of him?! He wanted to be in my good graces.

Still not sure why? Maybe he needs to be liked  by everyone? Or maybe he senses the type of person that I am.

Not really giving of myself or my time that readily but when I do, I want to know, it means something.

He did say that He liked me and didn't want to part on bad terms so I guess I made some sort of semi lasting impression.

I'm not hung up on him anymore. He's too flighty and unreliable.

We parted company and I think he said Do you want me to contact you tomorrow?

And I replied, That is up to you because either way. It wouldn't change anything.

I'm unattached, I can do as I please. He isn't and I'm not chasing someone that's not my preference.

I doubt he will be in touch and that will be that. The air has been cleared.

Although he did say....... Am I forgiven now? I feel like you wanted vengeance??

And I just laughed and said No, Maybe, I did but that he wasn't completely off the hook.

I wasn't upset but there are times when guys let themselves exist without a conscience, treat women badly and are okay with it.

I think I wanted him to be aware, how he treats people, can impact them, so try not to mess them around or lead them on because it's not respectful.

That was it, I didn't say the above to him but I think he gets it and I think he was kinda shocked and disappointed, not to have his apology just blindly accepted.

He's not a keeper but even the fly by nights, still have to be made aware of their behaviour.

All this game playing and I want you, I don't want you. I'm just bored or I'm telling you what I think you want to hear..

Is the reasons that I don't like younger men at all. They don't know what they want.

They are fascinated with older women, that are mature and have lived and have had lots of varied life experiences......

Yet, they never bring that maturity along. It's always, Oh yea, I'm playing the field, am interested in casual hook ups.

They don't listen to what I'm saying, they just wanna fix me and be the hero.

Well with me babe, things would be different, blah blah blah. Zzzzzz

If I was to date properly again. I would do the same thing, I did in my past.

Get to know him slowly, talk over a period of a few months, if all checks out, aka, he is single, local, respectful and really listens without judging, then I would consider possibly, arranging a get together.

But before that? Nope. I need to be comfortable. I need to know that if I'm putting myself out there, it's worth it.

It's all quite scary still, even decades later. I still sense that air of danger of being cornered..

Enough rambling, enjoy the rest of your day, see you tomorrow maybe :)

#BlogLife732 - J's ghost said howdy..

Song of the day - Sam Smith - How Do You Sleep?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmYypVozQb4&list=WL&index=57

EDF just wrote and said they need to install a smart meter, I wonder if it's a mistake, both were replaced but only 1 is smart.

At some point will call and ask, too drained right now. Hopefully it's just an error.

On Saturday night, about 11pmish, I got a text from a mystery number, I checked my list and I didn't recognise it.

Me and Mama were either watching reruns of As Time Goes By or The Detectives sketches which were cracking me up.

Anyway I thought it can't be spam at that time of night. All it said was Hello.

Yeesh actually it was a Hey. After a bit I just said Who are you? As if they had balls, they would have introduced themselves in the first text.

So that I didn't have to ask. He actually was straightforward and gave a name J and reminded me that he owed me a phone call.

I thought hmm, could it be the American that ghosted me recently??

Our last conversation was on the 3rd July and he was supposed to call but didn't and there was no texts a few days later so I blocked.

I had gotten in touch with him on two occasions and no reply, so sod it, he didn't want to know me.

Which was weird as we had been getting on well on both text and call but these things happen.

Anyway I looked him up and sure enough, I said, you're the American who ghosted me.

I'm thinking, what's the explanation going to be and why does he have a new number?

The answers? He said a lot of bad things happened, his sim broke, he returned home and that he wasn't ignoring me on purpose.

At this point I was still sceptical and not at all sympathetic because I was recalling DB I think it was..

That ghosted me, reappeared and then re-ghosted me, which really vexed me.

I replied that I wasn't sure what to believe as I had heard excuses similar in the past.

And that I wasn't currently at home, as I didn't want him to call. I didn't want him to get flirty.

He seemed understanding and said he wanted to clear the air and explain his absence.

I just take what they say with a pinch of salt, time will reveal the true nature of the J beasts ha!

#BlogLife339 - Penpal or pen-peculiar??

It's been a lil while since I had some penpal requests come through and they haven't improved at all.

There just doesn't seem to be any brain function there. The recent one came in a few days ago. I forgot to check and he wrote the whole email in the subject box!!

Why why why?? How could you not proof read or check before sending it off? I know we are all busy and I have done that but I corrected myself shortly after.

Then to make matters worse, he told me nothing about himself, not even the basics, like age and location.

All he was content to do was ask questions and provide nothing of himself which as you know, I can't stand!!

It shall be marked for spam and ignored. My advert that I posted gave tidbits about myself, that's the whole point of trying to connect, you put yourself out on display to see if anyone appeals or can relate.

Ugh.... I'm not really to bothered about finding a new one. I'm super busy at the moment, it's just the process of vetting them, is tedious.

I was spoilt with the Australian one, she was sweet but taxing, there was too much because I had to match the energy. I can write a medium letter but long is too time consuming.

I did rival her fervor for a long time but I found myself zapped of energy and then things happened and I pulled away but let her know the situation first.

Oh and I bumped into one of the J's a while back but instead of him introducing himself being transparent like I would be. Hi it's.. Not sure if we are on friendly terms but good to see you etc etc.

He just sidled his way into my messages pretending to be someone else and when I called him out asking if he was J? He became vague and refused to answer directly.

What a coward! And manipulative too, he knew I didn't want to talk to him, so covered his identity and tried to get a hangout with me underhandedly.

Ickity ick ick!! My reply was.... It probably is you because you never give me a straight answer so I'm off to have a real conversation *blockity block block block*

That felt very satisfying because I let him get away with twisting the truth for a very long time. It's like they turn the tables on me and make it my fault.

Grrrr schmuckity schmuck!!

#BlogLife71 - Off the wagon and on J

I don't know what it was, he appeared and then I blinked and said No no no no but by then it was too late. I was drawn to him.

I promised myself I would stay away. However I haven't found anyone that I have felt comfortable with and tonight I wanted something familiar and cosy.

I confronted him again but as I did and he did answer. He made more of an effort. I saw that we both had entirely different interpretations of the whole saga.

He thinks he was more open and responsive to my queries, some of them and I don't think he was. He confessed that some things were topics he steered away from.

He said I know you talk to other men and that's fine as long as I'm your favourite. That just made me smile.

As for the phone calls which I couldn't help but grill him about. He said that he didn't feel they were a good idea because we tended to be very friendly.

I asked him if he avoided contact because he figured I was going to get clingy or fall for him and he said he wasn't that arrogant.

He just didn't want to impose on my life. Is he timid or is he just afraid to be a burden? (To be honest the whole love thing, made heaps more sense to me). Not that I have feelings, not those feelings.

I have a fondness for him. It's a connection I have never had before. I can't seem to shake it. Maybe it is because I have pushed him away a lot..

And yet he still comes back. There are disagreements but he's never said anything unkind. Unlike the rest. As for the private things I've told him..

I don't even know if it was him I told. He doesn't recall either. I asked him if he would swap emails but he said he prefers talking..

I'm confused and then there is someone else who wanted a piece of me, but not in a creepy way in a genuine way. J number two.

Baha :D All I know is that I miss talking to him and it's crazy fun and laughter. It always is magnetic. I asked him if were friends and he said Yes that he hoped we were reconnecting.

That whenever he sees me he feels good. He said there was no reason for us to stop hanging out but I am in two minds. What do I do if I see him again??

I had a full on blush when he stated I could make the weather sound sexy. I need sleep....... Heaven help me I don't regret being with him tonight!

After eventually falling asleep. Some of his words rang out in my head, something he had never told me before. That on one of our long, talk half the night chats..

He had been so eager to talk to me that he was clock watching and it was only 5am. I had told him that I might be awake from 9am.

I said he should have just dialled my number but he replied that he didn't want to take the risk and disturb me. I am beginning to think he has put me on a pedestal..

I am not even sure I slept that night. I was phone watching. I think I am considering the possibility that he has purposely blocked out the personal things I've told him about my hardships each time..

As I don't think he wants to remember me in my reality. That when I'm with him, I can be carefree but without him. It's nonstop stress and pain.

Plus I now recall the mixed signal speech I made about how I was sick of clingy men and that I normally get rid off them fairly routinely.

Maybe by being mysterious he figures he ups the odds of not being let go? Although that backfired now, didn't it J?? Perhaps I'll ask him his preferred subjects of chat or maybe I'll just ghost him....

I still haven't made up my mind.

J is not back!

I confess, I slipped up. I bumped into J and I honestly did stand fast in my resolution to dissolve whatever was between us and not communicate but even though I faced him and said I am not doing this.

We fell into old patterns. I hate that it is so easy to talk to him and he is just sooo irritatingly addictively easygoing to be with. I made it clear it was a one off conversation.

I am not backsliding or going soft. I think it hit me as I was thinking about it last night and trying not to over analyze what it meant.

He is just a terrible listener. For some reason I don't think I picked up on it before or maybe I had and forgot but I have told him really private specifics about my health and life and he just doesn't recall any of it.

Funny how the insignificant flirting, he remembers every detail. Ugh. That is not good enough. I think I get it now. If I had meant something real to him, he would have paid better attention and let the information sink in but he doesn't.

He just wants someone on paper that makes him smile for a bit away from life's strains and stresses. I deserve better. I need someone that takes it all in and cares and he doesn't.

It kills me a little that he will just act like he is super keen to prolong the time together and yet makes no effort to satisfy my needs just his own.

I am mostly over it. I haven't really thought about him of late. It was just seeing him out of the blue kinda made me stop short. 

I have a sneaky suspicion either he is playing dumb on purpose or manipulating me. I found myself repeating what the issues were and him being dumbfounded once more.

Arghhh! It is like talking to a brick wall with oodles of charm. On one hand he has a snake like charm enticing me further to stay and reconnect and on the other side there is just a blank personality.

I promised myself this time I wouldn't harp on about the phone calls so I put it in this way. That was the only thing I missed, the calls because that was when I really saw him.

The real him, unguarded. He didn't really comment and it struck me suddenly. That must be the whole reason he stopped calling.

He didn't want to unveil. He wanted to maintain a certain distance and coldness. I guess I take it personally. That he chooses not to be friendly but at the same time, will put off leaving in favour of staying close.

It made me a basket obsessing case before but no longer. That's his deal and mine is, I know what I want and need and I have the courage to speak out and ask for it.

It's up to whoever if they want to give it to me but it's also my choice to stick around. He said take care and I said goodbye. I maybe alone forever but at least I am not compromised.

I am not tearing myself inside out to please. I am standing my ground and fighting for what I want. It won't happen again. We won't meet and even if we do.

He is just not suitable. Take take take and not give and take. That is not how acquaintanceship works. It has to evolve.

Misunderstandings

I lingered and bumped into you tonight. You were the farthest thing from my mind but there you stood cheerily saying hello and I felt so guilty.

I just blurted it out. I didn't want to be acquaintances anymore. You were shocked but you just quickly composed yourself and nodded alright.

I know that wasn't what you were expecting or maybe deep down you realised I just couldn't take your silence any longer. I explained though that I wanted more.

Crikey I just realised we spent about two freaking hours saying goodbye. That is insanity. I hate long endings but I just didn't know the right words to say adios.

I talk, you listen. You don't talk and I wait. I can't do that anymore. I can't lie to myself and say I'm content when I'm not. You thought we were both purposely elusive and that was our agreement.

In the beginning maybe it was. Over a year later though or is it two years off and on? I wanted more of you. I was curious about what was happening in your life.

You were one of my most favourite people to see and engage with but the other side of it was nothingness. I want to call you my friend but you aren't.

I hate you for making me laugh and smile just like old times. You weren't furious or resentful just surprised. We slipped back into the familiar pattern of teasing each other.

On one hand it is all so easy and straightforward. There is a line that says casual conversations and everything else is forbidden.

Would it have killed you to open up a bit more? What hurt the most is you were still trying to keep in touch. You still wanted to talk if only in short bursts.

You said I was harsh. That you would still leave it up to me to decide. That you would be there if I ever wanted to say hi or talk a bit.. 

I just cannot. It's all or nothing and I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm telling you. I am eradicating you from my life completely.

I am going to miss you so much. I didn't know you but the little I did I liked. You can't ask me to stop wanting more and accept you and then still distance yourself from me. 

I laid it all out for you and I knew you weren't going to suddenly say. I had no idea. Let me start with the little things. I had zero hope.

It was so difficult to face you and tell you all this. I can't have a half hearted friend. It kills me too much. I wanted you in my life but not like this.

I'm bravely standing up and setting the terms for what I want and what will make me happy. I don't have many people in my life.

I know I keep them at a distance. I test them. I run from them. I give only a brief glimpse until I know them better or they have passed my tests.

I do it to protect myself and my heart. I don't want to invest in someone that isn't a keeper. Somehow you slipped through. I doubt you'll even think about me after tonight.

You'll shrug it off. You won't have any regrets. It's going to hurt to see you though. I made the right choice. There is nothing wrong with craving something more meaningful.

There is no turning back now J. Damn you. 

Wraps my arms tightly around you and holds you close. Kisses you cheek and then walks off hurriedly without looking back.

Waves my hand and whispers Goodbye.

J is off!

There is something different about you. I don't know what it is but you're pulling away and I'm not even smothering you. 

I asked a few innocent questions and you just freaked out completely.

Wanted to know why I was enquiring about it but the thing was. You were the one sharing.

All I did was ask a follow up question. Is that not allowed? Have the rules changed?

From friends to acquaintances it seems. You just constructed a wall between us and I wonder why that is?

I did confront you though instead of letting you skirt the issue.

Asked why you didn't get in touch and you just said you couldn't. 

Not something came up or work was busy or you forgot but that it was a missed opportunity to catch up.

You said in one breath we were friends and in another that you confide in your "real" friends. 

I don't think I'm angry or hurt just a little confused because you contradict yourself.

On one hand you say that we talk about things to make us smile and we can share normally but you only talk about one thing. How is that regular?

At least I told you I wasn't trying to pry or get closer. All I was attempting to do was have a broader conversation but you remain stilted. 

I confess to not understanding how making idle chitchat interferes with your private nature? It's not like I am asking about your hopes and dreams.

Why do you ask me personal questions? How is that fair to me? 

When I am more than willing to share and more often that not, do. 

You are genuinely interested and that bugs me because you don't allow me to be inquisitive about your world.

I offered you an option of contacting me today without it being pre-arranged and said that there was only one string. 

That it was to be appreciated and utilised by the end of the year. 

I wonder if you'll take me up on it? I expanded the parameters, I guess to make it more enticing.

Make no mistake though. If I feel like you are taking advantage of me and not making an equal effort. 

I will disappear. I don't offer my friendship lightly. I vet my potential acquaintances first. 

I really don't want anything much from you. Just a bit of banter here and there and some honesty. I even asked you today if you had social anxiety.

I was kinda hoping you were going to nod but you dismissed it and said that wasn't the case.

No tricks or manipulation just someone to occasionally connect with. 

However let me know if that isn't the case anymore because the way you acted today, was cold and aloof.

The opposite to the people in my life that I care about and have some affection for. 

Don't waste my time, if you suddenly don't want me in your life. I can handle hearing it without falling to pieces.

"Next!" is the only thing I'll shout and possibly "Have a nice life." It is my trademark after all :D

Dear J

You'll never see this because you never asked to see my blog but as I reconnected with you tonight and I hadn't seen you since January, I guess I wanted to say thanks, thanks for your unique friendship.

How to explain it? You and I just synced from the beginning. It's probably now been a year and a half to two years off and on we've known each other. 

I always drew a line with platonic friendship and flirting but ours just seems to work without any romantic feelings present. 

I don't know if we ever did discuss it in depth or maybe you just interpreted the hints that I just wasn't looking but regardless, we seem to be comfortable in each others presence without boring each other, fighting or having misunderstandings. 

I think I just needed a friend to hangout with, laugh and be myself around. 

No guard, no impressing, no watching what I said, just enjoying your company and secretly pleased that you weren't "over me." By that I just mean, having outgrown our bond.

We don't really do deep and meaningful although I did explain my circumstances and you never criticised or judged. You just asked some follow up questions. 

I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know and maintain a companionship with but somehow you got me feeling safe enough to confide in you and you didn't break my trust. 

Honestly I do wish you were a bit more candid about your life and feelings but I accept that we are both not big talkers. 

Although having said that, there is many a night we've just stayed up talking, laughing and mercilessly teasing each other.

You're not the greatest with follow up calls and you promised to call tomorrow but we shall see. 

You'll just never know how much I needed you tonight. I've been feeling lost, disconnected and out of sorts and seeing you just made me smile so much. 

I think, well I know part of what makes our friendship work is that. 

You say "No." to me a fair bit and I'm not used to that. I can usually get my own way easily. 

Also you're not clingy or mushy. You have the balance between compliments, ribbing and space. 

You ask the very minimum of me and express humble gratitude in exchange. 

The sweetest part of the night is that you gently enquired whether you would see me soon and didn't want to say goodbye, even though you had an early shift tomorrow.

My frail ego needed this today. Tomorrow not so much but appreciated all the same.

I hope you have the sweetest of dreams and it's enough to know that you occasionally think about me, just as you flicker across my thoughts also. 

Take care

-X-