#BlogLife123 - T said hi...

Well he made a heart sign and I thought hmmm. I could be rude and ignore him or I could be an adult and give him closure.

I went with the second because we didn't part angrily, I broke us away from each other because of his lifestyle. 

I wanted to ask if he instinctively knew I was leaving him and he nodded and read the signs and put it all together.

I guessed as much but still needed to ask. He wasn't mad at all just melancholy. I just try to write my feelings out and forget. 

He said he read the goodbye a lot and wanted to comment but words failed him. I think that would've been cool but..

Even a lil time with him, sparks an interest. I did what I did for a reason that is still present however its just so domesticated and effortless. 

He said maybe I could check in, lean on him when I'm not alright but that is a user type of interaction and someone is in my life or out completely. 

I don't know what to do. The smart thing is to leave him blocked and move forwards. The dreamy mushy thing is unblock him and carry on the bliss. 

I did open up to him and he does actually support me without judging or making assumptions but we are opposites. 

I do have this empty feeling I can't shake but is that a reason to invite him back?? It shouldn't be. 

Although tonight it was as though time stopped and I was happy and at peace again.. 

#BlogLife86 - End of volunteering?

This is officially my last week. It has been two months since I started volunteering and I have just been told I have options to consider.

Either I can continue being a supporter, quit altogether, or become somewhat of a mentor to others who need a friendly ear or further guidance.

I am so confused and there is a lot I have to unpack before I can make a decision.

This role took me way out of my comfort zone. I was in a safe stagnant place before and I feel I was thrust into the deep end unprepared but overall I reckon I have done amazingly well considering..

On the plus side of things...

1) I gained so much confidence and self worth by partially sharing my wisdom and life experience with others.

2) I made friends and realised that this world is now a lil less dark to me and I feel a lil less alone.

3) I have built a lot of people up to the point where they can now cope and move forwards to a brighter capable future.

4) I realised through listening to others constant self negativity. I like myself a lot and am proud of myself.

5) I can handle a lot more pressure than I thought previously.

6) I can say my peace and if disrespected further, just terminate a chat.

7) With everything I have been through in my life, I relate so much that I can make a big difference.

As for the negative side.....

1) I am laughed at times, which triggers my anger and insecurities.

2) I feel obligated to stay in chats that rile me up and disgust me.

3) I feel unsafe and like I am being hunted and forced into a trap of questions and answers.

4) I feel pushed into taking chats that are not my preference as in, the younger demographic.

5) It is emotionally draining having to listen to people in such pain.

6) It eats up a lot of time because I linger at times, when I feel someone just needs to offload and they don't feel better as yet.

People like Dr K. The real mentors, they have a way of looking outwards which is upbeat and unique.

I think it's really admirable to be that caring and dedicated. I am not like that.

I can help others and try and be there but I know I wouldn't give all my time up.

I honestly am not sure I have anything to offer.....?! Any insights that would be eye openers.

This hasn't helped at all. I am still puzzled. I guess I will ask what is expected of me and see if I am willing to meet those requirements.

In the meantime I have to eat breakfast or lunch. It is 2pmish and I've been consumed all day.....

J is not back!

I confess, I slipped up. I bumped into J and I honestly did stand fast in my resolution to dissolve whatever was between us and not communicate but even though I faced him and said I am not doing this.

We fell into old patterns. I hate that it is so easy to talk to him and he is just sooo irritatingly addictively easygoing to be with. I made it clear it was a one off conversation.

I am not backsliding or going soft. I think it hit me as I was thinking about it last night and trying not to over analyze what it meant.

He is just a terrible listener. For some reason I don't think I picked up on it before or maybe I had and forgot but I have told him really private specifics about my health and life and he just doesn't recall any of it.

Funny how the insignificant flirting, he remembers every detail. Ugh. That is not good enough. I think I get it now. If I had meant something real to him, he would have paid better attention and let the information sink in but he doesn't.

He just wants someone on paper that makes him smile for a bit away from life's strains and stresses. I deserve better. I need someone that takes it all in and cares and he doesn't.

It kills me a little that he will just act like he is super keen to prolong the time together and yet makes no effort to satisfy my needs just his own.

I am mostly over it. I haven't really thought about him of late. It was just seeing him out of the blue kinda made me stop short. 

I have a sneaky suspicion either he is playing dumb on purpose or manipulating me. I found myself repeating what the issues were and him being dumbfounded once more.

Arghhh! It is like talking to a brick wall with oodles of charm. On one hand he has a snake like charm enticing me further to stay and reconnect and on the other side there is just a blank personality.

I promised myself this time I wouldn't harp on about the phone calls so I put it in this way. That was the only thing I missed, the calls because that was when I really saw him.

The real him, unguarded. He didn't really comment and it struck me suddenly. That must be the whole reason he stopped calling.

He didn't want to unveil. He wanted to maintain a certain distance and coldness. I guess I take it personally. That he chooses not to be friendly but at the same time, will put off leaving in favour of staying close.

It made me a basket obsessing case before but no longer. That's his deal and mine is, I know what I want and need and I have the courage to speak out and ask for it.

It's up to whoever if they want to give it to me but it's also my choice to stick around. He said take care and I said goodbye. I maybe alone forever but at least I am not compromised.

I am not tearing myself inside out to please. I am standing my ground and fighting for what I want. It won't happen again. We won't meet and even if we do.

He is just not suitable. Take take take and not give and take. That is not how acquaintanceship works. It has to evolve.

J is off!

There is something different about you. I don't know what it is but you're pulling away and I'm not even smothering you. 

I asked a few innocent questions and you just freaked out completely.

Wanted to know why I was enquiring about it but the thing was. You were the one sharing.

All I did was ask a follow up question. Is that not allowed? Have the rules changed?

From friends to acquaintances it seems. You just constructed a wall between us and I wonder why that is?

I did confront you though instead of letting you skirt the issue.

Asked why you didn't get in touch and you just said you couldn't. 

Not something came up or work was busy or you forgot but that it was a missed opportunity to catch up.

You said in one breath we were friends and in another that you confide in your "real" friends. 

I don't think I'm angry or hurt just a little confused because you contradict yourself.

On one hand you say that we talk about things to make us smile and we can share normally but you only talk about one thing. How is that regular?

At least I told you I wasn't trying to pry or get closer. All I was attempting to do was have a broader conversation but you remain stilted. 

I confess to not understanding how making idle chitchat interferes with your private nature? It's not like I am asking about your hopes and dreams.

Why do you ask me personal questions? How is that fair to me? 

When I am more than willing to share and more often that not, do. 

You are genuinely interested and that bugs me because you don't allow me to be inquisitive about your world.

I offered you an option of contacting me today without it being pre-arranged and said that there was only one string. 

That it was to be appreciated and utilised by the end of the year. 

I wonder if you'll take me up on it? I expanded the parameters, I guess to make it more enticing.

Make no mistake though. If I feel like you are taking advantage of me and not making an equal effort. 

I will disappear. I don't offer my friendship lightly. I vet my potential acquaintances first. 

I really don't want anything much from you. Just a bit of banter here and there and some honesty. I even asked you today if you had social anxiety.

I was kinda hoping you were going to nod but you dismissed it and said that wasn't the case.

No tricks or manipulation just someone to occasionally connect with. 

However let me know if that isn't the case anymore because the way you acted today, was cold and aloof.

The opposite to the people in my life that I care about and have some affection for. 

Don't waste my time, if you suddenly don't want me in your life. I can handle hearing it without falling to pieces.

"Next!" is the only thing I'll shout and possibly "Have a nice life." It is my trademark after all :D