#BlogLife384 - Is it you?

I was going through the old phone making sure everything is copied over. Crumbs, I haven't even checked the images/photo album. 

I'll get to it.. and I glanced at the blocked text folder because I can't recall if it stays blocked on the new phone or you have to re-block and I don't tend to do that.

They seem to have gotten the message after my absent replies. I didn't expect to see anything but junk as usual when I saw these..

Monday - Are we still friends? Been thinking about you, tried to call you one time.

I'm only free to speak today or tomorrow, if you respond.

Tuesday - Hi baby x

Lol. I wouldn't normally post snippets of text out but it's making me laugh. I'm totally over him and his ridiculous attitude now.

I had to look up the number as I wasn't even sure who it was but then I thought ahhh so it is..

He was expecting me to jump and reply straight away. He must have fell off his chair when I didn't.

I like the bit about trying once hahaha :D I mean nobody wants to be forgettable.

I haven't been missing him or pining or wishing for a reunion, I've been stressing and busy and getting on with life.

Maybe I should have changed my number but updating it all over the place and then forgetting a few and missing something vital would have aggravated me.

I'm not tempted to unblock or respond. He didn't say, sorry about how things ended or I know I've treated you badly.

Just the opposite, let's sweep everything under the carpet. Get in contact under my parameters as I'm in control and wait around until I disappear on you again... Pfft.

Men seem to think I'm this idiotic pushover. Look I can be nice, friendly, sweet and loyal but if you kill the faith/trust then don't let the door hit your tushy on the way out!

I'm sure you'll have no issues replacing my number with the 101 women you told me you have..

Next......!!!

#BlogLife219 - No gentleman

Hey all. I hope you are having a good week. If you are curious about what happened with J (the latest)?

Why are they all called J? Don't ask me, I had to do a double take and thought, another one? Why not Q or Z or X for a change?

My gut instincts were saying don't get in touch and it started to stress me out a bit.

Right or wrong, this is why I made this decision...

1. He is eerily similar to the last guy. Noticing the footwear. Asking me to get in touch and wanting to go to the same Pub.

It's kinda freaking me out, it's really peculiar.

2. Again he said "Text me when you get home." 

He should be the one to get in contact and say "Nice meeting you, hope we can get together again, no pressure."

Or something along those lines, without putting it all on me. I think that would have been a better approach and put me at ease.

I don't chase, I am chased! The last guy did the same thing and I'm not a fan of it. Have some courage and reach out.

3. At one point he brought up the subject of sex and massages. 

I find that inappropriate for a first conversation or even between acquaintances, it's too much.

4. I found it amusing and effeminate that he was fussing about the rain. 

It wasn't heavy but you could feel it and he was fiddling with a broken umbrella as we left.

He stayed under the shade and for me I have to keep moving and let the pain follow me, but not catchup.

I think not walking with me was just too dainty for words. When I had no problem with it.

The UK is famous for it's rainy weather. Am I going to constantly halt, under some shelter, instead of keeping my momentum going and managing the pain?

5. The insistence or enthusiasm you can call it for meeting him twice in one week?

I was put off by that a lot. I've never even seen a boyfriend that much, let alone a stranger?

It felt a bit too romancey/datey for my liking. As though he would bide his time and wait for me to get some mushy feelings or be an opportunist and make a sleazy move.

I could be ovethinking. Maybe he is just lonely or in a rut or expanding his social circle but it felt way too much.

6. Every time I tried to explain how drained and exhausted I felt with socialising and in general daily life, he kept getting more and more bewildered.

Either he thought I was lying or exaggerating. Either one of those is not flattering. 

Just because you don't understand someone's medical conditions, there's no need to be that cynical.

"I'll look it up on the internet."

"If you find this tiring. I'll definitely be too much for you/not right for you."

7. "I don't like independent women."

Granted he mean't in a romantic setting and I pointed out that most men want to feel needed and maybe a lot of us women now are finding we actually don't require them to be happy but they do.

It certainly is an imbalance but I feel like they should build up a more rewarding life, getting to know themselves and developing further interests/hobbies.

Possibly discovering what they want out of life or in a partner instead of lying their asses of saying, Yes I want a relationship, wait, No I don't!!!

Perhaps then they wouldn't feel so clingy and instead have more enriching experiences out of life.

8. His eye contact was all over the place. 

He did maintain a bit but he also kept looking all around for the majority of the time as though he was bored or waiting for someone.

That makes a poor impression in my opinion as though he isn't having a good time but instead just obligated to be there as though I was forcing him to stay like a hostage :D

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As I was mulling all this over. I realised that I find being around people is sapping my strength.

They just draw out all my happy, peaceful vibes and leave me empty.

I think the most I would be comfortable seeing people, would be every 3-4 weeks.

It seems like a lot of time but I'm pretty much comfortable doing my own thing and keeping to my own schedule.

It's unnerving to be thrown off that timetable and scrambling to get the energy to fit all that in before the day ends and I feel miserable because it's been unproductive.

It is a nice feeling to unwind and be outdoors, shaking up my routine but I don't need it that often, just once in a while.

The same as phonecalls or chats. It's nice to share details occasionally but if it's too often, it turns out to be a burden and chore, instead of something pleasurable and meaningful.

#BlogLife158 - Stop spooking me, spooky signs!

All I can do is laugh, what is left to say to you? First I am haunted seeing the same name over and over again.

Then I literally have to gently remove my dug in nails around my eyes as I wake up suddenly. (My hope is that I was dreaming of clawing your eyes out..) :D

Then I have a weird sense of dejavu-ness. This other person with your name but a completely different attitude.

My brain is trying to figure out the rationale behind it? Why would somebody creep and do a soft approach? Read my blog but not want anything to do with me?

I honestly am lost for words. I don't know if it's you or why you would play games. There was even a missed call that I thought.... Could it be him??

Too much time has passed and I blocked the other version of you because he was spitefully being hurtful for no reason.

Is it a coincidence that you show up the very next day? I like a fool, wait patiently for an apology or explanation, something to understand this ridiculous, confusing and evil behaviour.

I wait and I wait and I wait (well twenty minutes lol) and there is nothing! Why did I suddenly believe you would become decent all of a sudden?? I finally did what I should have, back then.

I blocked you. Now you can have fun and games with someone else. You seemed mature but as usual, the asshole resurfaces eventually.

I guess you can fake being nice for so long, until your true colours appear!

I'm mad at myself for caring, for believing that somewhere inside you, was a good person. That something significant happened and the memory loss prevented you from getting in touch. 

Ha, what a joke!! I was on my way to getting over it, until I saw you. It hurts but at the same time, it makes me like myself even more, not less.

I never claimed to be wonderful but I have a lot of cute characteristics and I bet, the next person you talk too, won't be a fraction, as fun as I was.

I console myself with that fact, even if nothing else is comforting..

:)

#BlogLife143 - Who am I talking to now?

There have been a few randoms that I have gone through. One was a guy that was obsessed with pics, sending me half a dozen, clean atmospheric but there were more pics than words and the voice was alright but not enough to interest me.

I cannot for the life of me, recall his name so no initials haha! D actually came before him or after? Before I think and he was highly intelligent but brash and troubled.

He wanted to meet straight away and had the second best voice I have ever heard. It actually was deep but to even consider something like that I need time and he didn't want to give me that so I never heard from him again.

Which is okay because he was upfront with his needs but the voice was phenomenal!!! Also I had the sense that a few other things would have held demands.

He wasn't after something serious and had a legitimate matchmaker lined up for his marriage needs so that wasn't appealing or flattering.

But that conversation was rare because it was deep and meaningful and he was so open and transparent which is unusual. 

I don't regret that chat at all. Lastly we have S. I know I know, I'm going through the alphabet ha! I think this is our third consecutive day we have been engaging together.

It's highly unusual for me not be bored at this stage. Normally they will be clingy or ask silly questions or go overboard but he is different.

You're wondering about his voice? It's nice, it's posh but it's not deep but the person behind it, is really fun. He's smart, he's confident, he communicates properly.

Also he isn't a pushover. He says things and stands by them and doesn't drop everything for me and I don't either. 

He steps away to take meetings and calls and I focus on writing and the other million things I'm doing. 

We're both able to remain productive. We're not communicating this weekend though.

I'm not even sure what will occur next week. It was left open ended. Either we'll resume naturally or we'll figure it was only meant to a brief fleeting connection.. 

He always make me laugh and he varies the topics of interest. He asks questions but not intrusively or pesteringly. Plus he listens.

He's a very likeable chappy and consistently does what he says he will. He hasn't made any demands and will probably turn out to have a harem of women in his dungeon but meh.

For now he takes up half my day, every day and the banter between us is still oddly flowing effortlessly. Go figure?! I will savour it until it fizzles out.

Oooh he's around today and I am seriously smiling but heavily sidetracked by him... He just let slip that actually we used to be in touch before a while ago but petered out..

He thinks it's meant to be. I think it's a peculiar coincidence. Today he was waiting for me and I busied myself delaying it, thinking he wouldn't be around but he was.

#BlogLife134 - You want romance? Read a book

It's probably going to be a one off with A but it's funny how sparks fly when someone get's you. You don't have to clarify, they are like, yea I hear you.

And he did. A lot more than I am used too. We began chatting about alsorts, some serious, some lighthearted and some seriously just silly ha.

Me being cheesy is a necessary part of me. I use that as a tool to cope with being ill. To deal with not sleeping. To quench the fear and unease that washes over me at times.

But when someone really understands how quirky my brain works it's magical because there are no put downs. 

So when a random goes with it and is messing around too, it puts me in a chilled state. However some just make fun and assume I'm brainless.

Which is idiotic but I just cut them off and pick someone else. I had this one particular person that was humourless but he kept trying to fixate on me for some reason.

He seemed quite annoyed but yet he didn't change tones. He was trying to coerce a connection over and over again but it didn't work.

The thing with me is I mix up my engagement with others. I can start off immature with something over the top and then sprinkle bits of real insight and still be entertaining.

I think I realised that as unusual as these occasions are. They are more tender then my actual dates and that's a bitter realisation.

I don't feel bad. It's just the way it is. When I was dating. There was no fondness, no excitement, no infatuation towards me. There were just guys who saw this broken insecure girl to exploit and attack.

You would think hanging out would be this cosy new adventure. Let me do nice things for you, let me check up on you. Let me look after you.

Even with the men that claimed to be smitten. There was never any decency. It was just.... Let me talk about sex. Let me kiss or fondle you without your permission, behave inappropriately and don't try to stop me.

Now it's like I have these randoms saying things like....What would your perfect date consist of? I don't think any boyfriend has ever asked me that.

And how was your day? Is there anything bothering you, do you want to talk about it? Of course these are not dates in the traditional sense.

Some are unpleasant but then I just politely make my excuses and leave. To the remaining. I finally get to have a conversation. I get to share my thoughts.

I get to speak about something meaningful. I guess you could call it intellectual stimulation and it can be addictive but then I distance myself and have an auto erase function in my brain.

I don't recall anything of the night. It's a completely blank slate so when the guy is saying, hey it's you and wow I remember our chat fondly.

I'm thinking.......Oh crikey, which one is this? Was it pleasant for me too? Then I just flesh out the details and think, it's fine but something is missing.

Or this is actually a fun chat. I'm laughing a lot. I think because it's a temporary acquaintanceship I pull back but sometimes it spills over and there is someone new in my life.

Mostly though it just never feels quite right. Either they are too chatty, not communicative enough. It's bland or I just don't feel invested.

The weird thing about some of them is that I think they approach me out of boredom or habit. There is the bare minimum thought put into it.

Then other instances it's like they switched on their brains and say, have you thought about such and such and it's a tangible interaction.

But why don't they do that consistently? If you aren't in the mood to talk........Then don't. You don't see me chasing you and pleading for attention.

I'm busy multi tasking. I have 4 tabs open, although one of them is youtube :D

#BlogLife113 - Hanging on beyond reason...

Why do we do it to ourselves? We know what the outcome has to be and yet we hang on and hope for something preferable instead.

It's like we are kidding ourselves and refusing to face the reality of the painfully obvious situation. 

I mean sure you can wish but eventually, you have to suck it up and realise, you can't change the facts.

I've now uninstalled Whatsapp because what is the point of keeping it? 

I only put it on chromebook for one person and he is just busy doing his own thing, so be it.

I wanted a different result and he'll probably turn it around and say he was waiting for me but I childishly sent the last irritated message so the ball was in his court, is my defence.

I was only looking to be a part of someone's life, not take over or be left out of it completely. Surely there should be a compromise somewhere?

I have to delete the emails now and the one with his number is staring at me, ha!

The truth is, I do think about him and miss him but not enough to get in touch because looking back on everything..

I don't see him as invested or accepting of how all this is affecting me. It's all unfamiliar and I don't know if how I am feeling is normal but it is real and valid.

If I were to hazard a guess, I assume he wants someone more experienced, more sure of themselves and what they want or need.

It's all too puzzling for me due to the notion that I thought/think I want a certain lifestyle but having never lived it before. How can I possibly know if it's for me??

I can't fast forward and be a perfect girlfriend, I have to stumble and figure it out as I go along, that requires time, that nobody seems to want to give me....

And if that is the case, then they are obviously unsuitable and I need someone more patient and understanding.

Damn sometimes ghosts, should just stay in the past and not the future. After that depressing thought, his emails are deleted, well all but the one with his number... For reference sake only.

I normally block guys on messenger/email but I don't want to do that this time but I will also just try and forget him now, Wish me luck?

One last thought. How would you feel, if someone said they were in regular contact with their exes? And that they miss them?

I feel like he has an answer for everything, all my queries, in a neat lil bow. I mean, I understand it's different for me, my exes were awful and I wanted nothing more to do with them..

However it's a red flag to me, to be told there is constant contact and he misses her. He says it was a mixed time but they still mean a lot to each other...

I just don't want to compete with his ghost, on top of all the other problems between us.

Goodbye N and take care.

#BlogLife107 - Goodbye T

I told you that I wanted a break to get my head right well that was partly true but the other thing I was thinking about was I think it's time to part ways.

It's nothing that was said or done specifically, it's the circumstances. It always made me a lil uneasy. You gave me the space I needed and I'm grateful for that but I've just blocked your number because I want to move forwards.

You were great company and we had a good laugh together. It was convenient for both of us and you brightened up many a dull day. Thank you for your sweet and caring friendship :)

However it feels a bit murky blurring the lines between friendship and whatever the other thing was. I couldn't quite text you all of this..

I'm no good at speeches, it was difficult enough to say I was going radio silent for a while but here it is. I don't know if you are still following the posts but there is no doubt, this one is for you.

I won't change my mind and I did warn you in the beginning that it would only be a temporary acquaintanceship. I have a feeling you suspected I wouldn't reconnect.

I'm sure you'll forgive me and understand why I didn't say goodbye properly..

It's far too awkward and I don't want to drag it on. I wish you all the best and do take care. Don't work too hard and find a better balance so that stress doesn't eat you alive.

Farewell T

-X-

Crazy self therapy 4

I lay out on the bed with my legs resting against the wall in front of me. My hair spills out over my shoulders. My mind is racing. 

Who says I need to be happy all the time or that I have to be something that I am not?

Let's have a chat, just me and you, totally confidential. What is new with you?

Stress but that is nothing new for me. It has been an awful week. My whole body locked up and every action was painful. I decided to take time out from everything and look after myself.

I'm trying go to bed earlier even though, I hate sleeping. Each time I have to shuffle forwards and backwards constantly and adjust to get into a position that isn't causing me pain.

The shiatsu massager, didn't help like it usually does but each day seems to get a lil easier. 

I sleep with headphones on every night. I never used to but now I try and block out all the thoughts and sounds that make me nervous.

That's why I purchase them so often because they snap and break. There is a morning trigger which I avoid because it turns my insides out.

I don't think it's being in the dark that scares me. It's the nightmares. It just brings me back to being a wreck. This feeling of helplessness washes over me and I can't shake it.

More bad dreams abound as the tension keeps piling up.This entire weekend I have been trying to unwind and relax and I keep getting pulled into things.

Today ugh. Why does my mama keep telling me things she know's will irritate the hell out of me? It truly messes with my head for ages.

Her son, that I barely tolerate just flatly informed her last night, he applied for a position, disclosed his criminal record and the potential employer said oh well fiddle dee dee.

We don't want your bank details, no no no. We will take your mama's instead! That seems totally screwed up. Red flags everywhere.

Sometimes I want to wash my hands of them all. She constantly lets him get away with murder and does **** all about it and complains to me.

You know what, mama dearest. Do something about it for once. I used to take the blame for all his bad behaviour. Actually, no, scrap that.

You used to blame me for his abhorrent ways. He took drugs, my fault, he ran up debts in your name, my fault. He used your credit cards, my fault.

He keeps doing the same selfish crap, over and over and still she says nothing!!!! Today I hate them all. I am not the parent or the sister.

I got my own disasters to deal with. Ffs!! Not a damn thing ever changes, except she has stopped blaming me for it. Hello?!!

Earth to mama, I never stole from you. I never did drugs. I never threatened you. I was never close to attacking you. I never got in trouble with the police.

All my life I've been hearing about his colossal messes. I am so sick of it. She's going to the bank and will sort it out from there but crikey, put your bloody foot down.

She would rather just stress about it and then pass it on to me. Ugh! I really don't need this. I am just trying to exist in my safe lil bubble.

I got thinking last night about another reason I no longer take painkillers. When I had them in ready supply, they weren't all that effective.

I knew that I would need stronger and more toxic prescriptions and didn't want that. I wondered about my low points and how I had grabbed them and thought I could cure all my problems in one go...

Is that one of the reasons I no longer have them in my home? SInce I moved here. The only thing I did was stop eating. I managed to resume with the help of a friend, who wasn't really a friend.

It's funny how certain people are convenient when they want to be and then turn on you, when you feel vulnerable and frightened.

I used him as a crutch. He was a good listener. I will give him that, when noone else was but he was a compulsive liar and an emotional manipulator.

I lost all respect for him when I found out what a chicken he was. I have my faults but I'm brave and honest. I cut him out of my life and never looked back.

A lot of things can't be changed so I will just carry on and do my part. I will continue blogging, listening to asmr and try and get more sleep.

Now for the positive. I've been accepted into a new trial for eye drops from Bzz. They seem to go, in and out of business regularly but if it actually arrives then great.

The Mistplay application is going really well. It seems monthly I will be receiving Amazon vouchers and a few of the games have autoplay which is handy.

I got my second one with no issues, the day after I claimed it. I got the spare set of headphones, pillowcases and my essential oils the next day after I ordered them.

Very efficient for free postage. Amazon offered me Prime for a week but as I wouldn't be making any more large orders for a while, I skipped it.

I spotted a Refinery lip balm from Aromatherapy Associates for £2.50 so I bought it but I don't know if it will help with the chapping.

I am just trying out different brands to find something effective. I should probably pay more but if I do and it doesn't work, it will bug me so much that I wasted money on it.

J is not back!

I confess, I slipped up. I bumped into J and I honestly did stand fast in my resolution to dissolve whatever was between us and not communicate but even though I faced him and said I am not doing this.

We fell into old patterns. I hate that it is so easy to talk to him and he is just sooo irritatingly addictively easygoing to be with. I made it clear it was a one off conversation.

I am not backsliding or going soft. I think it hit me as I was thinking about it last night and trying not to over analyze what it meant.

He is just a terrible listener. For some reason I don't think I picked up on it before or maybe I had and forgot but I have told him really private specifics about my health and life and he just doesn't recall any of it.

Funny how the insignificant flirting, he remembers every detail. Ugh. That is not good enough. I think I get it now. If I had meant something real to him, he would have paid better attention and let the information sink in but he doesn't.

He just wants someone on paper that makes him smile for a bit away from life's strains and stresses. I deserve better. I need someone that takes it all in and cares and he doesn't.

It kills me a little that he will just act like he is super keen to prolong the time together and yet makes no effort to satisfy my needs just his own.

I am mostly over it. I haven't really thought about him of late. It was just seeing him out of the blue kinda made me stop short. 

I have a sneaky suspicion either he is playing dumb on purpose or manipulating me. I found myself repeating what the issues were and him being dumbfounded once more.

Arghhh! It is like talking to a brick wall with oodles of charm. On one hand he has a snake like charm enticing me further to stay and reconnect and on the other side there is just a blank personality.

I promised myself this time I wouldn't harp on about the phone calls so I put it in this way. That was the only thing I missed, the calls because that was when I really saw him.

The real him, unguarded. He didn't really comment and it struck me suddenly. That must be the whole reason he stopped calling.

He didn't want to unveil. He wanted to maintain a certain distance and coldness. I guess I take it personally. That he chooses not to be friendly but at the same time, will put off leaving in favour of staying close.

It made me a basket obsessing case before but no longer. That's his deal and mine is, I know what I want and need and I have the courage to speak out and ask for it.

It's up to whoever if they want to give it to me but it's also my choice to stick around. He said take care and I said goodbye. I maybe alone forever but at least I am not compromised.

I am not tearing myself inside out to please. I am standing my ground and fighting for what I want. It won't happen again. We won't meet and even if we do.

He is just not suitable. Take take take and not give and take. That is not how acquaintanceship works. It has to evolve.

Misunderstandings

I lingered and bumped into you tonight. You were the farthest thing from my mind but there you stood cheerily saying hello and I felt so guilty.

I just blurted it out. I didn't want to be acquaintances anymore. You were shocked but you just quickly composed yourself and nodded alright.

I know that wasn't what you were expecting or maybe deep down you realised I just couldn't take your silence any longer. I explained though that I wanted more.

Crikey I just realised we spent about two freaking hours saying goodbye. That is insanity. I hate long endings but I just didn't know the right words to say adios.

I talk, you listen. You don't talk and I wait. I can't do that anymore. I can't lie to myself and say I'm content when I'm not. You thought we were both purposely elusive and that was our agreement.

In the beginning maybe it was. Over a year later though or is it two years off and on? I wanted more of you. I was curious about what was happening in your life.

You were one of my most favourite people to see and engage with but the other side of it was nothingness. I want to call you my friend but you aren't.

I hate you for making me laugh and smile just like old times. You weren't furious or resentful just surprised. We slipped back into the familiar pattern of teasing each other.

On one hand it is all so easy and straightforward. There is a line that says casual conversations and everything else is forbidden.

Would it have killed you to open up a bit more? What hurt the most is you were still trying to keep in touch. You still wanted to talk if only in short bursts.

You said I was harsh. That you would still leave it up to me to decide. That you would be there if I ever wanted to say hi or talk a bit.. 

I just cannot. It's all or nothing and I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm telling you. I am eradicating you from my life completely.

I am going to miss you so much. I didn't know you but the little I did I liked. You can't ask me to stop wanting more and accept you and then still distance yourself from me. 

I laid it all out for you and I knew you weren't going to suddenly say. I had no idea. Let me start with the little things. I had zero hope.

It was so difficult to face you and tell you all this. I can't have a half hearted friend. It kills me too much. I wanted you in my life but not like this.

I'm bravely standing up and setting the terms for what I want and what will make me happy. I don't have many people in my life.

I know I keep them at a distance. I test them. I run from them. I give only a brief glimpse until I know them better or they have passed my tests.

I do it to protect myself and my heart. I don't want to invest in someone that isn't a keeper. Somehow you slipped through. I doubt you'll even think about me after tonight.

You'll shrug it off. You won't have any regrets. It's going to hurt to see you though. I made the right choice. There is nothing wrong with craving something more meaningful.

There is no turning back now J. Damn you. 

Wraps my arms tightly around you and holds you close. Kisses you cheek and then walks off hurriedly without looking back.

Waves my hand and whispers Goodbye.

I can't breathe

It could be any number of factors. I know when I am hormonal I get irritated and prefer to be left in peace. It could also be from evolving. 

When I lived at home and saw friends in particular I felt like I had to constantly entertain and be the one to lift everyone's spirits.

I consistently lied to my cousin about not wanting to get together. The real reason I didn't want to see her is she and her sister zeroed in on all my insecurities. 

I never felt enough and shish they let me know it. I felt like I had to transform in front of them into this whole new person who was confident and worldly and constantly on the go.

I am a really simple woman. The opposite to them. They had to be liked and have everyone in their orbit be in awe of them. 

I just wanted to blend in and be allowed to do my own thing and feel how I felt. I didn't need to be liked and still don't but I deserved to be respected at the very least.

I am still learning how to ask for what I want and to be around them means I feel off-balance. I have irregular acquaintances that float in and out of my life and that's fine and a few who manage to linger longer.

The brief ones seem to latch on to me for dear life. At first the regular contact is amusing and fun but a few days later, their constant pull on me, starts to be stifling. 

I am back to steer heading the conversation and making all of the effort. It's like they lose the ability to maintain their individuality. I am their sole focus. 

Nothing happening in their life comes across, it is just follow up questions about mine. At this point, my oxygen runs low and I run screaming for the hills. I cannot be your lifeline. I am my own breathing apparatus.

I normally stop responding for a bit or lie but for this latest one I told the truth. I need some space away form you and will be in touch later on in the week.

Apart from stunned silence and taking a while to respond. He actually handled it pretty well and said he would wait to hear back. 

My next step is to limit the contact channels. I'm going to cut off emails and leave it with texts and calls. It is just too much to be badgered in all directions.

He may last a little bit longer but the expiration date is close at hand. I can sense the resentment that I don't fawn all over him, boost his ego or want to spend every waking moment in his presence.

I have been living on my own now since 2007 I think and I absolutely love it. I can entertain myself. I can do whatever on earth I want. I rarely feel bored or alone. 

I don't have to be pressured into being someone I'm not or forced into being chirpy. I can just breathe and feel according to my mood.

Why can't the clingy among you do the same? Why do you have to be so suffocating? Get a hobby. Learn a new skill. Find out what interests you, apart from me. 

What are you going to do when I sever my ties, with or without the explanation that you've turned dull and needy?