Song of the day - Ed Sheeran/Cardi B/Camila Camello - South Of The Border
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICrnFX0_LOc&list=WL&index=45
I know once I discover a new artist, I look for more songs from them that I might enjoy, but that's the last of the Camila songs for a while, until I discover more.
I had a late morning, making sure I caught up on the lost sleep, even though I napped yesterday.
I didn't even game in bed, I think I drifted off fairly quickly, which again is unheard of with my insomnia but my body obviously needed the rest.
Then when I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I was thinking about what I'm going to write about today.
To be honest I had no clue, sometimes there is an abundance of ideas, other times I really struggle.
I generally began thinking about yesterday and if there was anything more I could discuss and I realised there was.
A reminder for the regulars and new information for the newbies, I grew up pretty meek and shied away from any disagreements or conflicts because I didn't feel strong enough to handle it.
Plus I felt I wouldn't be able to articulate my point across with much clarity.
I was really opposed to looking foolish, I had zero confidence and conviction in myself and everyone around was a critical audience.
Anyway the more I got to know myself and got comfortable with knowing what I wanted and what I would tolerate from others, I started vocalising my opposition, to the way I was disrespected.
It's still difficult, I still struggle, I pick my battles but I feel like I'm more inclined to speak up, except with family, that's just too unsafe, mentally and physically.
Yesterday I think because of the lack of sleep, I felt really on edge and temperamental.
I think my filter was removed. I can be really tolerable, not if someones being rude but if they are just wanting something that I'm unhappy to provide, I may just go along because I'm not 100% against it.
Now some of the chatrooms have this microphone feature which is separate to the webcam, so almost like a phone chat, without revealing your face.
And one of the randoms talked me into it but I'm a voice person, if I hate the voice, then it's not a relaxing time.
Not to get sidetracked but I was thinking why I like deep voices.
It could be because the majority, well all of them really, were just so immature, that they lied and mistreated me constantly.
Out of all of them, only maybe 1 or 2 had pleasing voices. One in particular, knew what he wanted from a partner and out of life.
Even though he was totally wrong for me, I respected that side of him.
Maybe I associate a deep voice, with maturity? And that's why I gravitate towards it?
Anyway so we had this voice chat and at first I thought Oh okay, not bad and then I thought, No, it's my type of voice, plus it kept disconnecting.
In the end, it just felt unpleasant. I felt really uncomfortable and he wasn't horrible just flirty-ish, which made it worse.
Yesterday, with my truth hurts, no nonsense approach, I had been putting off telling him and I just blurted it out, all the things that were bothering me about him.
He kept asking me for pictures and I kept saying NO. But he still carried on, which got me closer to the breaking point.
I don't like my wishes ignored, that's disrespectful. So I just said to him, please don't ask me for any photos, I've already made myself clear.
And I won't be taking anymore voice chats because I don't feel comfortable with it.
I felt a lil mean and harsh as I typically do, when I put my needs above someone else's but I also felt relieved and better for speaking my mind.
The funny thing was, as he was questioning why, he came out with this speech that he didn't mean.
Oh I see, sorry you feel that way, I don't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable and I said Thank you, I appreciate that.
Then he stopped talking ha! So I blocked him.
The correct response I was hoping for is this..... I didn't realise how you felt.
It wasn't my intention to cause you any discomfort, thanks for sharing how you feel, I accept your decision, let's move on.
Ha, I rarely get that reaction! Another random was just asking me personal questions and I said No, I'm not going to go into details.
Typically I get......... Ohhhhhh okkkkkk. Completely sarcastic and bitter.
Instead of.. I respect your answer, let's talk about something else.
If I flip it back on myself and someone says something harsh but truthful, not to hurt me, but to express an opinion.
It might sting, I might feel attacked or sensitive but once that feeling calms down..
I'll think alright, I don't agree, here is why but I'm not going to go ballistic on them for speaking their mind, even though we are not on the same page.
If however someone is being direct but vicious on purpose, then I will happily rip them apart because there are ways to say things, that don't offend people.
You can't hurt for the sake of hurting but you can put your point across sincerely and explain why you feel that way, while respecting them as a person.
Suffice to say I blocked him as well, because the sarcasm normally continues as do the questions, they ignore my boundaries or they become belligerent and chats are supposed to be de-stressing not an all out war.
