#BlogLife190 - Be someone else (crazy self therapy 6)

I'm lounging here finally realising that as well as plugging in the electric blankie, I need to switch it on too.

I am finally de-thawing as it is heating up and wearing two blankets helps, one heated, one non, are better than none.

I'm trying to wrap up the foodie short story I was hoping to have concluded before Christmas but my brain is spiralling.

This was the wrong time to buy cold breakfasty stuff like yoghurt. I'm not quite back to having a bit appetite. Just nibbling bits and pieces.

Currently that oaty nutty cereal. Anyway my mind is just randomly connecting thoughts and I realised that my confidence identity crisis has stemmed from people wanting me to be someone else.

Hardly anyone has ever said and mean't it or acted like they wanted me to be myself and stay that way.

It was always, act like your cousins, act like your friends, act like your siblings.

I think that is why I punish myself and am self critical. Noone else was accepting me so I figured. Hey I must be a bad person and must need to alter myself to be normal.

People around me continue to treat me the same, as though I am a burden and easily dismissable.

Pretty impossible not to take that personally and think, meh it's just them, that is their opinion.

I just wanted a piece of someone's time, never all of it. Yet people talk over me and are "busy."

Yet they have sufficient spots for other people. I have had multiple types of friendships.

1. Timewasters - Some purposefully seek me out and then drag the conversation down 24-7 or lie continuously for no reason.

2. Control freaks - I want to go here, I want to do that. I want to call the shots. I dictate the topics.

3. Apathetic - A one way friendship. They don't want to communicate but expect me to be warm and fuzzy while I'm chasing them trying to maintain this nonexistent relationship.

4. Spiteful - Whether knowingly or unknowingly. They have made a lifetime habit of lil digs at me. Hmm clutzy much? Wait a good looking guy, fancies you??????

5. Good at first, then fizzles - These were more wholesome. It was more equal. At first we both made the effort and put time into it and then it was just me and my patience only lasts so long before I figure.......

What the hell is the point??

I'm trying to keep going and embrace all the odd parts of me and I say odd affectionately because being quirky is part of me.

I'm not trying to be perfect and be like everyone else. I'm carving my own path forwards and stumbling and getting back on my feet.

It would be nice if one of my stories or posts could be the one that get's me more noticed or more engagements but I'm not after notoriety.

I think it would just be satisfying to write something that could reach people in a way that is unique to me.

I like all my fiction but the latest one on the blog at least, not on wattpad is my favourite one to date.

I just don't know how to bring it all together and then end it. I'm really trying to keep them short and fun but I want to develop it a lil bit so there is a bit of substance there.

I'm on chapter 15 of Lethal Curves Ahead and I can't wait to skip ahead to other storylines I have in my head.

I'm just trying to create some sort of love triangle, as per usual. You know me, I hate where there is only a solo hero. There always needs to be two candidates to make it less predictable.

The last time I published a chapter was November. Eeek, that's bad right??!!

At least I managed to finish it yesterday. I don't feel so clouded anymore, even with this freezing cold weather.

It's just past 9am and I hope the repair guy turns up soon. Would be nice if it is the same one I am used to dealing with but we shall see.

I'm hoping it is just the usual problem and not anything more serious. He already mentioned a backlog for spare parts which has me panicking slightly.

This week was difficult to get through as it is. I wish I could walk around in the furry fleecey heated blankie but I would probably trip over the plug :D

I hope you all have a fun, chilled or action packed weekend, depending on your interests.

I'll see you back, hopefully Monday :)

#BlogLife127 - I'm fighting a war within myself

I'm on chapter 12 of Lethal Curves Ahead. Man I love that title. Took me ages but it came to me, well with brainstorming as per usual.

I know that I want this to be different from Faithless Pursuit. Different characters and storylines. I am just watching this show with the cheesiest dialogue and it is awful.

I think I am in danger of repeating myself in the new book. I had a different vision for it but it feels like it is coming back to something but then again...

I'm so perplexed. In one way I really like it and I have jotted down some forward plots and ideas for it but I didn't want it to be racy.

Light flirting and soft romance, not pulse quickening behaviour. Grrr. Either I could scrap it and start over blindly or I could start to ease it back carefully.

Which is actually what I prefer. Maybe small bursts of passion, won't be so bad if it is delicately composed? I still will never add smut but slightly mature themes, yeah.

I figured out how to tweak it to my satisfaction and just hit publish as it was driving me nuts and it had been a while since I have finished one.

Dear create-a-holics, sorry I'm late to the party..

Evening or should I say morning as it is 1.10am? I was a lil tired but now my brain wants to write. I took the plunge and tried something new. I'm struggling with the nuances of the game. 

Looney Tune World of Mayhem. I watched some YouTube clips and then heard the magic word. Freebie, actually correction, it was more like giveaway. 

I joined the discord community and entered. I've never signed up to discord before and had no interest. I thought it was microphone orientated and that put me off.

I was expecting a thriving group but it seems a lil dead. No real answers but regular competitions. It got me thinking about other topics so I browsed for bloggers and found very few.

Those listed were not suitable and the one that looked promising was also lifeless. Grr. I'm still not that far along in my ongoing quest. 

I've found one blog I enjoy and infrequently comment on. I've joined one Facebook blogging group that I'm not active in and Google is not helping at all.

I've decided that instead of a place which serves as a tool for building blogs. I would much prefer to connect with bloggers to see how they find it. Just a non spam place to talk in general.

Partly about writing but mostly a variety of topics. I keep Googling and there are just pages of techniques on how to be successful.

What about something for the low key amateurs? Who don't want to take over the world or be in the blinding spotlight? 

If you are a personal blogger, feel free to leave your link in the comment section for me to peek at. Just please include something about it. 

I actually wouldn't know how to do that myself. I would spend half an hour on the wording alone. I like reading about health, weight, dating, writing, beauty, competitions and just life in general. 

It helps if the person doesn't take themselves too seriously and injects some wit. I spoke to my mama tonight and she apologised for not reading my book yet.

I'm not bothered at all to be honest. The reason I sent her the link was mainly because the last piece of writing she asked me to share I adamantly refused.

It was too personal. I don't think I've told her about the blog either. I definitely wouldn't share that. It's my place to vent without worrying or holding back. 

I felt I owed her and I didn't actually mind her reading it. The only issue is.. There are some scenes which are the reason I made it mature.

I doubt she'll ever have the time to read it. She is super busy constantly at everyone's beck and call. That would stress me out completely but she enjoys it. 

I am somewhat curious to know if she would genuinely relish it though. The new book has two chapters written and I didn't want to do anymore this weekend.

I just felt like chilling out.

Can you see me?

I mean really? I'm standing in front of you talking and yet, it feels like the words float past your ears without resonating what I'm trying to convey.

I'm attempting to come clean and admit that I'm having difficulties. That I am trying to avoid triggers and behave sensibly because if I don't my body and mind punishes me severely.

You ask me to take this and that with me and I'm tired of explaining it to you. I have strained my hands so much with heavy lifting. 

It is a joke. I can't frigging do it anymore. You can call me weak or dramatic but I have to carry that loaded bag with me and suffer with the strain.

I'm not getting assistance. I'm not able to call out. I have to sort it out myself. You're not around when I'm inwardly screaming and outwardly crying because I can't take the pain anymore.

I'm just typing or I'm just holding a phone or I'm just lifting or I'm just writing and it hurts so bad. You know what I used to do when you filled my bags up?

I would go to the nearest bin and throw it all away. The relief that I felt when my bag was actually manageable. You will never know.

I can look after myself you know. I do have enough supplies indoors. I don't need your excesses weighing me down.

If you really wanted to do something for me. You could try listening when I talk. You used to be a safe haven but now I feel irritated.

I wonder why I bother to open up sometimes. I talk and you talk over me and then you say something and I realise you weren't even paying attention.

You are a good person to others and you give them what they need but to me you are a let down. I found myself quite snippy with you which is unusual.

I don't like arguing or being stressed but you bring it out of me. All I can say is that I am glad to be home, where I can process my own thoughts and figure out what is bothering me.

If I can just write six more chapters. I'm sure I'll be done this time. Sigh. Thirty four done and it is all drawing to a close. I just need to get my character scheming and having closure and then I can end it.

Theme tweaks

Sorry I am still trying to get it right. This theme is definitely on the right side of the look I want to achieve, just not sure if I will keep it. At least the words seem to be displaying properly and not overly spaced which was annoying me to no end.

It has a splash of colour. The tagline is clear and easy to read. I'm not especially keen on the grey but the image and green seem to pop. It seems to display fine on the mobile too.

To me it's is clean without being clinical.

I just don't know :/

I also just updated my Wattpad book cover from a shapely headless woman to a couple in a silhoutte and managed to add the book name. I couldn't do anything fancy, the canva tool was too complicated and I couldn't even save the new image. I know it's still simple but now at least it has a little style and fits with the title.

I had another crack at it and managed to tweak it so now both books have covers. I just have to finish them now.

I have now written twenty seven chapters and can't see it going past forty. I changed all the chapter titles to something less provocative because even though I have marked it as mature to cover myself as there is a little violence and some non graphic intimate moments. It was never intended to be a smutty book, just a romantic adventure with more than one male lead.

I don't consider myself a gambler but..

I've tried out a few game sites in my time and the majority were free or had free games within them and I have had varying degrees of luck however I'm not so keen on the chat aspect. 

I have made a few great friends and have also butt heads unfortunately but I remember the chat section in Jackpotjoy being my favourite. 

I was at a particularly low time in my life and I used to play the free games and leave the chat open observing the silly and humorous banter too shy to join in until one day I did. 

I remember this shroud of darkness clouding my moods and one of the highlights would be to login there and take my mind off my horrid home life.

Now I have found a new site offering bingo and slots and although you have to make a deposit to withdraw any profit, they offer free and low cost games. 

I actually missed out on the promotion for the first deposit because I didn't read the blurb properly and only put in the bare minimum which was £5 to withdraw £64 but aside from the lousy clueless customer service it's actually not a bad site. 

I do keep winning and losing but now I've decided to just gamble the pennies and leave the pounds to build up as it is so tempting to try for a big bundle and convince yourself that you will eventually get the bonus game if you play long enough but that isn't always true.

My mum has had better luck and scooped £250. She was half screaming half laughing down the phone in disbelief. She is definitely more sensible and careful about her low bets than me who goes overboard haha. 

To celebrate next week weather permitting we are going to do dual pedicures, eyebrow shapes finally, lunch and possibly some shopping.

It's a new year and I have been struggling with my book and the direction it was going until recently where I managed to carve out some ideas. 

The chapter I'm on now is not flowing at all but today I am going to do my best to finish it. I do want to progress and start on the second book while the ideas are fresh in my mind.

Fed up with the inaccurate view counter on here, I did sign up for Google analytics but I'm finding that confusing and incorrect also so I don't know if my only solution will be too start posting directly on bloglovin. 

Mind you they only have a 7 day summary.

Getting closer to completion

I've been thinking about my book a lot lately and feeling troubled by it and now I finally know the reason behind the stress. 

I'm hesitant about finishing it because I'm petrified about how it will turn out. I poured so much time and energy into it and what if it's a disappointment?

I've just written a mock up of the ending and had a brainwave about how to properly finish it. I don't want it to be stereotypical and predictable so i came up with a few ideas on how to mix it up.

I'm actually tempted to try and write backwards from now on because it seems to be coming to me easier than trying to figure out where it goes from here. 

I know what leads to the end and the actual final chapter but not how it all ties in together.

It was really satisfying to write the last chapter and I even made a slight change as to how I saw it playing out but I do love it. I can't wait until it's finally over. 

I want to go back to being a normal person who isn't rewriting dialogue of whatever I'm watching or reading.

I'm now worried about how easy it was to finish it, shouldn't it have taken longer, shouldn't it be more detailed? 

At the moment there is more to her character that I haven't delved into so I suppose when the book ends I will see potential for a sequel but that is something for the backburner I need a break from these characters.

White noise

I was listening to a no-talking asmr video and it just left me feeling really relaxed and then I decided to open up my wattpad story and see if I felt inspired, well no sooner had I clicked on the chapter the words just started flowing and ideas were resurfacing.

I can't listen to music or hear talking as that is too distracting while I'm concentrating but soothing sounds are just the perfect noises to get me de-stressed and creative.

I've actually just finished the chapter I was struggling with and seemed to have blocked myself into. 

I am explaining more of her back story and now will have to set up another betrayal or two, bring the villain out of hiding and finalise the different confrontations and then book one will finally be finished.

I am going to finish it before the year is out. I am going to crack on with book number two and make a dent in it. 

Lastly from somewhere inwards I am going to find the courage to share it after it is done and let the world love or hate it, These are my goals. I can do it. I will do it.

I'm a fraud!

I call myself a writer and have various stories and plots running through my mind at any given moment. 

I can talk to someone and make up a crazy scenario with no effort at all and even make it elaborate and filled with fun details but when it comes to my own precious stories, I draw a blank.

Those doubts creep in through the smallest crack and fester inside my head. 

I load up the book page and stare it, hoping that some ideas will burst through and I can move past this massive hurdle but it's just not happening of late.

I want desperately to finish book number one and achieve that goal of writing and completing my first book. 

I reread what I've written with a love/hate conviction, some of it I really love and it all makes sense to me and other bits I feel critical of and wonder who on this earth would find it appealing to read.

Writing is my passion though. I loved it from my childhood, these wonderfully intriguing stories that floated around my head that I could create alternative paths to. 

Writing long letters to my penpals and finally creating stories of my own.

Perhaps I am overthinking and being too negative. I don't really feel bad about my writing but I am not 100% convinced it's fantastic either. It's just fair, it's readable.

The plot thickens

The temptation is there to just race through and get to the nitty gritty juicy plot twists and turns, the screw-with-the-audience storylines and tamper with all the hum drum details and time frames but apart from some exaggerated occurrences I would like to make it somewhat realistic also.

People seem astounded when I tell them I've composed 18 complete chapters so far and I think why? To me it just doesn't seem that much. 

I have barely scratched the surface of my characters and layout. I'm still figuring out, what they should say or feel and how they should act.

I don't want to concoct a perfect book. I want my mark as an amateur all over of it. 

In some ways I don't want to conform to the proper ways and rules of writing. I want to be carefree and get the words out and let that speak for itself.

My secret wish and hope is that my characters, well the main one is liked, just like me she will be flawed and impetuous but she will also be a real woman, trying to carve a niche out of life and making mistakes and trusting the wrong people at times throughout her life.

I have a long way to go until I know if I can unearth something authentic. For now though I will keep trying to write something interesting and decent enough to follow.

Inspiration comes in many forms

I feel especially inspired today despite having a restless sleep. I listened to this positive asmr video that was uplifting when the words soaked in.

Then downloaded some feel-good tunes and just woke up feeling refreshed and bursting with ideas. I've managed to make both long term and short term notes about what I want to happen and why.

I was stumped on changing the name for this place and had a really naff name until today I was brainstorming and plucking random words and using the thesaurus to find some more obscure versions and eventually after jotting down a dozen of my favourite words. 

Boom I found what I was searching for and hurried to change it over.

I miss reading books at night that usually helped me to relax but since I am now writing my own I can't stand the thought of reading some else's vision. I want my own to come to life too much.

Talking to friends, watching movies, listening to music, going for a walk... find out what inspires you.

Edit - the never ending story

This weekend I've decided to look back and do a massive edit on what needs to be altered. I didn't realise how much there was to do and it feels like I'm getting bogged down with the details as well as the mini rewrites.

I just want to jump back into the current chapter 18 and carry on with the storyline but the tweaks were overdue and I decided now would be as good a time as any to change whatever I was unhappy with.

At least I don't feel unsure about what I've written or have doubts that I can continue now. I love it all. It's probably never going to be up to a publishers standard but it's my baby and I will still be proud and satisfied with it whatever the outcome.

The unbiased wattpad vote

There is a lot to like about wattpad, it certainly gives new shy writers a chance to upload and share their work with others. I'm so glad there isn't a registration fee. 

They have clubs and tools to help you if you are unsure and they explain most of it so that it becomes clearer.

I signed up to read the vast array of stories and wondered if I would ever publish something of my own. 

The view system they have is really screwed up. Every time you upload a chapter save it and then see it, it counts as a view, so basically you will wonder if someone is actually reading your book or if it is just yourself editing. 

(The same with blogger even though I had checked the *Don't track me views* box).

Today however I have gotten my first random read and vote for chapters one and two. A vote is basically just a thumbs up to say they liked it. 

It so took me by surprise because I wasn't expecting it so soon after yesterdays name change. 

The original title was too long and clunky and I was never 100% happy with it but everything just seemed taken so I left it for the time being, until I began brainstorming and out of nowhere thought of a name that sounded intriguing (I hoped).

I do have a good friend of mine reading the chapters and giving me her take but a part of me feels she might be the slightest bit bias and a stranger is more likely to be brutal and tell you straight, *Hey I loved it or I despised it*

It does give me a warm feeling and fills me with confidence because that is the scary thing about sharing a part of you to the world, someone can just bring your world crashing down in one sentence.

I'm relieved my first wattpad read was a supportive one.

I don't think I'll mind people disliking it, I'm more afraid of being called *talentless or fraud* Call yourself a writer...........blah blah. 

I think that would sting more than someone saying, *Ok well I read some of it and it wasn't what I'm used to, so thanks but I think I'll go elsewhere...*

Despite all that can or will happen, I will risk it all with a brave face and a silent hope that there will be more people that enjoy it and get into the story and characters that I've developed.

The uncertainty in writing

The idea for a book just seemed so simple and straightforward but the more I write the more complex it becomes, which scares me really because what if I can't do it justice?

I tried to write a book before on several occasions but it just never felt right. I was writing about things I had no clue about and my characters just felt alien to me.

That's why I couldn't get into it and abandoned it but I kept trying to reinvent it without success, so I gave up on the book idea until now.

This time around I wasn't even thinking about writing but a friend asked me to do a collaboration with him. He had a great writing technique but I hated his main character.

Nonetheless joining forces with someone sounded like an easier proposition than trying to write by myself so I agreed. 

He told me to come up with a few ideas and I did but he rejected most of them saying they were unappealing and contrived.

I however loved one of my ideas so much that it began to grow and develop and I thought to myself..

I don't need someone being critical when it seems they are doing nothing at all except being negative, so I broke away and started to concentrate on my own story and that's when it was formed.

I now can get my teeth into my story and characters and they are alive to me. I never had that before and I actually like doing my own thing and going with my gut instincts regarding storylines and character development. 

Writing a book is new to me though so it is stressful at times. I try to include about 600-800 words per chapter and that to me feels just right. Not too long or short.

Writing male characters will definitely be a challenge because I'm used to writing about females only but I shall try to do them justice in my own unique way.

Know when to quit and when to be steadfast

Writing doesn't always flow for me and sometimes I struggle a great deal just trying to find the right words to form a simple sentence so this was made especially awkward when I had writers block a day or so ago. 

It wasn't even a pivotal moment in the book just a point in which I wanted to create some sort of twist with my character and mess with the readers minds once more.

I also wanted to evolve my character and I just couldn't seem to find a way to make all the jigsaw pieces slot together. Staring at a blank screen is very frustrating and pushing yourself to write can be a good and bad thing. 

I was becoming frustrated and despondent that I had such a long way to go and nothing was sounding quite right but I felt guilty about stopping completely and giving up.

I have taken numerous long breaks from my story and at this rate I will never get it finished, so I was determined to persevere until the cramps set in and that was it, game over for me. 

I couldn't concentrate at all and decided to shut down the laptop and get some rest which was ultimately the best thing I could do for myself because I just felt nauseated also.

The moment I just forgot about the complications of the book and just tried to switch my mind off was the second that a brief idea came to mind.

I didn't have the energy to develop it until the morning came but more ideas sprang to mind which was such a relief because now I knew where to start and continue on. 

All the tension left me and I felt refreshed so I did a workout this morning and felt even more clarity wash over me.

My book is taking shape

My book project can be difficult at times to get enthusiastic about because every time I seem to write, I keep doubting my abilities and thinking that it is all crap which is not helping my self esteem one bit. 

I know that I have the basics down, I love my characters, plot and there is no shortage of ideas, in fact I am overwhelmed sometimes but still I find myself thinking that it is just not good enough.

It got so bad at one point that I was almost tempted to give up, but I was away for a while and talked things over with a few people and they told me what I already knew deep, deep deep down but needed to hear nonetheless.

Which was that I have raw talent (the rawest) and that I was being too hard on myself and shouldn't get discouraged but instead push through the negativity.

My faith in my abilities started slowly returning. First I began doodling some cover designs for my book.

I really am not the best sketcher so these were basic at best but the ideas were there and some pride I guess because even though I have limited capabilities in some aspects, I was still getting stuck in and at least trying.

I had a rough idea of what I wanted but could not seem to draw the idea in my head, just a simplified version and then strangely enough I was googling for inspiration and I saw something that fit my ideal. 

I don't know if I will keep it permanently because although some bits fit, it wasn't 100% accurate in what I was trying to portray.

I still spent some time and tinkered with it, eventually getting the book title and my wattpad name to fit in the image as well as finally polishing my first chapter so that I was finally happy with and finishing off the chapter I was working on.

14 chapters have been published so far on the site and I know there is still a long way to go and I am still very much the amateur writer but I have made really significant progress from when I started and for me that's impressive as I tend to leave things unfinished.

I'm proud of myself.

Wattpad

I started writing a story on Anonyme because it just came to me and I liked the idea. 

There have been a few reads but no comments so I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I wanted a wider audience and so decided to publish and continue writing on the wattpad website instead of here. 

It feels more real there, having to write a blurb of what it entails and properly outlining the chapters. Plus giving it a title. 

I still don't know if I have any talent but I feel brave and excited publishing what I've written so far and just when I think I have no more ideas, up pop plenty, leading me in directions I would not have previously considered.

I was already a member so signing in wasn't a problem. I just felt very nervous publishing something that means a lot to me, knowing that anyone now had the possibility to criticize and tell me I have no skills. 

I sent the first couple of chapters to a friend of mine though and she seemed to enjoy them but maybe she was just being polite. 

Who knows really, but writing is something that brings me out of my shell. It makes me want to put myself out there and share my hidden thoughts and feelings. 

To be more engaging and risk sharing a part of me that no-one else sees.

Maybe the old me isn't entirely lost after all.

I've stalled a bit on the book writing. It's taken an unexpected twist and although I like it and it seems different, it's not realistic at all but a friend of mine who I thought was peeved with me has agreed to look it over and give an honest opinion back.

That's encouraging - providing I can muster up the courage to actually let him read it but before then I have to figure out if how I am going to get around writing a sex scene that I don't want to write but that is integral to the story.

What is really making me roll my eyes is now the fact that I am writing this story, people want to read it, they like the sound of the description which is flattering and it's making me cringe to let them read it but I have sent the link to several people and none of them have bothered. 

Excuse after excuse, yea I'll read it tomorrow, tomorrow comes and things arise.

I'm not asking them to drop everything but instead take five sodding minutes and read a few paragraphs, see if it's something that appeals and then just tell me "Oh its boring as hell or hmm not bad but could use some work." 

I ended up telling one guy not to bother because if he said he would read it later one more time I think I would have happily kicked him in the nuts!!

This writing project means something to me, I'm not in the big leagues and I'm not calling myself a writer but I am finding my voice and risking embarrassment by wanting to share an exaggerated part of me.

 I don't really talk about my feelings, my worries, my insecurities. I just live my life and try to figure a way to be strong and confident and less introverted.

Far better to let some strangers read my work and have them thumb it down than have someone I know do it. 

Would have been nice to get a male perspective, especially as my character is maybe less likeable than a typical sweet woman trying to find her way in life.

At least if someone does seek out the story they will have genuine interest and not just be reading it to score brownie points with me.

I hate writing the dialogue bits, I never know what to say. I think for peoples thoughts you are supposed to write them in italics. I will get round to doing that later and as for trying to be confident in writing.. 

I read that you are suppose to practice writing often, show others your work (well that's a bust if they don't want to read it) and ignore your inner critic if it stops you from trying.

Oh yea and for blogging they recommended writing short punchy pieces lol. I hate short blogs, I feel like I am just getting into reading it and it's over. 

I don't think any of my blogs are short, I love to ramble too much :)

Well I'm on chapter 11 now and I know I need to flesh out the characters I'm making up which I can do, I just don't want to share too much about them. 

I'm trying to be purposely vague and hope that it eventually it will all come together and make sense. These unconventional people who are friends and yet know things that others don't.

Another thing that was advised to get more views, was to link it to social media, which I thought about doing for five seconds and then that whole funny feeling came over. 

Losing every bit of privacy I have. Sharing it with a wider audience. 

I really am going to have to get over it one day and just be proud and thick skinned about sharing it but that day isn't today!