#BlogLife1030 - Why is solitude such a bad thing?

I just read a well meaning post about You're never alone.. As in someone is always there to support you..

But what if there's noone? What if you grew up realising, the only person you can count on is yourself?

What's so bad about that? I can communicate with others if need be, I just don't happen to share that much.

Personally I like my own space, a safe place to breathe and be myself.

Some people have large groups of friends, some have a couple and others have none.

I accept it, people, acquaintances come and go. I enjoy my own company.

I still don't know what to do about P, the acquaintanceship went backwards.

I don't really know why he's hanging on or I am? He has lots of friends it seems, quite sociable, so what does he need me for?

To fill in the gaps or is it obligation? Maybe he's waiting for me to cut him loose?

With friends or acquaintances, you're supposed to be able to tell the truth without them getting extreme and put out, he couldn't handle that.

All I said was it annoys me that you use me to flirt on the phone calls, you can never have a normal conversation.

And I thought he would take them onboard and call just to chitchat, but all the calls stopped completely.

I guess as soon as my phone charges. I'll end it I never get what I need from the randoms.

I deserve better.

There was a couple forum posts that bothered me on the volunteering site so I added my opinions.

I am using it more but still not doing any 1 to 1s. Too many trolls and weirdos that are doing my head in.

I need to make a beauty shopping list. I need lip balms, moisturiser, face wash.

I just ordered the face washes and lip balms so maybe at the end of the month when I get them I can do a beauty review.

I'm gonna need eye drops and protein tablets soon. I'm not sure if I've run out of saline yet..

Well I've finally did what I craved. I started an open story on 7 Cups and anyone can join in.

Only one acquaintance has so far. I probably should have picked something less limited..

We'll see how it goes.. Ok got some things for Mama's Day, she said she wanted a nightie, saw a cute pinky purply one.

I got some fudge for her too and bought myself a red top.

I don't know where to put this Gilmore Girls stuff, so I'll add it here.

Lane/Rory had a lot of potential and then settled for mediocre partners. It bothers me that they never discussed the possibility of an abortion.

She's so young and freshly married. I know when a couple finally gets together, it gets boring so they throw in conflict.

Ok a long lost daughter but why Luke kept her purposely away from Lorelai and Rory was weird, he alienated and tanked his own relationship, instead of them all bonding together..

I've never liked Lorelai so the fact she sabotaged things and slept with her ex, is textbook idiocy.

Like she needs attention or a man in her life, to say pay attention to me I'm an overgrown immature child.. Pfft..

You know what else is odd? Rory and Logan is it? Were living together and that surprisingly was mostly smooth.

He moves overseas, fine, they are separated, when he returns, why don't they resume cohabitating?

Also she makes it a point to call him entitled, but she has no issues using his connections when it benefits her, hypocrite.

And sleeping with an engaged guy and then ending up pregnant?

The whole wrap up was weird, we like each other, we're having an affair but we're not reconciling..

The story I started on 7 Cups was a bust, nobody joined in except an acquaintance and we got so silly, it just petered out.

I don't know if I'll finish it. I am so bad at finishing stories. Apart from the blog, I feel a bit empty at the moment..

#BlogLife576 - Dear Bully 5 - I'm weak because I say so, not you!

Today I thought let me be open, weak, vulnerable and incapable of putting any defences up.

Just for this moment. Tomorrow I will continue to put on a brave front.

I don't feel any nausea or pain just a lot of bloating and some inner turmoil.

Usually I feel better not thinking about family and how I grew up. I had this weird daydream and it disturbed me further.

I thought what if social services had intervened and took me out of my home and I was placed with another family.

Would it have been any better? Would they have been kinder or would I still fear that I would be harmed?

Would they have bolstered my ego or made me feel the same nothingness that I grew up with each day?

In this dream I was placed with a caucasian family who appeared to be kind but didn't want my truth, my opinions, my way of life getting in the way of their traditions.

I was served food, I barely tolerated, choosing to eat minimally or not at all.

I did all the chores I could think of to pay my way. I became less a member of the family, more a servant.

And then I spoke with the Social Worker and teachers and said I didn't belong anyway, so where did it matter how or where I ended up?

I guess my interpretation of this is that maybe the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Maybe I would have ended up even more screwed up.

I want to forget, to move on, to forgive or make peace of whatever the hell will let me have some tranquility....

But I can't.

How could I explain there was a problem at home, when I had grown up this way?

When you keep being silenced..... When you have a million things to say but someone halts you..

I think eventually my parents got tired of saying knock it off and just let him dictate.

At first I protested. Hey I have things to talk about too. But then I went internally.

He kept saying shhhhh. Was there a reason, it was only ever said to me?

Maybe what I had to say wasn't relevant and then years passed and I thought, what if nothing I say is intelligent?

Better to not talk at all right? People were content to talk over me, ignore me, ridicule me, not take the time to get to know me.

Never thinking much of me and I take responsibility for being difficult to converse with.

But by that time I already considered myself invisible. Talking was so difficult I couldn't even express myself, even if I wanted too.

I'm supposed to grow up and be a better version of my family. Be kinder to others, treat them better.

Be a whole person, instead of a broken one but there is some sort of guilt maybe, eating away at me.

I should have been tougher? I should have risked a beating and stayed true to myself.

Screamed at him to stop bullying me. To shut the hell up himself.

To leave me alone! I should have forced myself to integrate better, maybe fake friends were better than none at all?

This is what I wanted to confront. This is what I wanted to air out.

Because I don't blame myself for being a scared child or adult. I blame my parents for not truly having my back.

I did or said anything at all, to protect myself and survive. I don't think badly of myself.

I commend myself for living through it and getting out of it.

Do that, do this, give me the power?!

Yes I admit, back then I had no confidence, no power, no safety.

And I still feel haunted by their presence, when it's noone near me.

To the few people that I told and I didn't convey that much but they didn't get how brutal it was.

My friend at school thought the worst was being done to me, she thought I was being sexually abused.

I told her a million times, I wasn't and that was the truth. It wasn't my body.

It was my mind being violated and tortured and stunted. At home or with friends, can you speak?

Can you express any big or small thing you wish too? I couldn't.

There was no place for me to have a voice and opinions. I had diaries and journals but even those were limited.

Even when I was alone, locked in my room, either pressed against the door, or barricaded in for my wellbeing.

While there were screams outside, violent threats, pounding on the door.

I couldn't open up, even to myself. It's fair to say I hate my family but I also love my Mama.

Love/Hate is accurate because my parents witnessed my torment and did nothing to stop it!

I mentioned this before and maybe I was 5/6years old at the time.

But I didn't talk at school for a whole year. Imagine not making friends, not volunteering answers when the teacher asked questions.

Imagine holding back, from what you wanted for 365 days. Maybe I was bullied, maybe others thought I was simple too?

Maybe they pitied me and included me anyway? Because that one memory I have of myself, is me being happy.

Maybe I was told that my Mama was coming to see me or to pick me up early? And that caused me joy?

I'm only guessing. I suppose I was scared, in case people pointed and laughed at my thoughts and ideas.

I was used to not saying much or anything at all. I don't recall my parents ever prodding me to open up.

Everybody was content with my silence. I think when I got a few years older..

I learned that in small doses, talking was alright. As long as I kept the important stuff hidden.

As a writer and blogger who has tried and failed to communicate. 

It became somewhat easier but I'm not sure I'll ever be totally transparent.

I don't think I want to be but when I like you, when I'm comfortable....

I can be soooo chatty, so animated, so willing to share....

Now I feel empty and drained of all emotion. Let's put the walls back up and return to a more closed, more secure, semi-normal state.

#BlogLife444 - I don't feel comfortable around you

Yesterday because I couldn't nap I was more productive than usual and wrote more so because I finished everything early and had time to kill I decided to have another random chat.

I cycled through a few candidates that were so-so and then finally settled on M, I think his name was.

I honestly can't remember because I juggled a few and he mentioned his name in the beginning and then it just left my head with all we talked about.

He seemed more acceptable than the rest, a lil too flirty and I was not in any way in the mood for that, just a chitchat night for me.

He also had an issue with not taking accountability at first for my perceptions that he was being too much.

He said I was overreacting which I didn't appreciate, however he did apologise afterwards when I persisted and would not back down, so I gave him a second chance.

It did eventually migrate into a phone call, I witheld my number number as usual and he did have a nice voice.

But he is an open book type of person which I'm not a fan of, because they mostly have the trait of...Oh because they are open, it's expected of everyone they talk too.

Whereas I accept people are different, some are more candid and others like me, are typically reserved until they are free to express and not feel judgements.

At first it seemed fine and then he did this thing, where he kept pushing for compliments and validation and I loathe that.

My feeling is if I'm still talking to you, that should speak for itself, that I enjoy your company.

Why the hell do you want me to say it a million times??? Plus after the fifth time of him saying I like your voice, it lost all the magic and I got bored of hearing it.

I get that a lot so I'm aware how pleasing it is but he then wanted reassurance his voice was decent as well and this question kept coming up over and over, until I snapped.

And stated look, this has been asked and answered. I hate people that fish for compliments, it makes you seem insecure, needy and that is not an attractive quality from someone claiming to be confident and have the ability to interact with women normally.

His tone kept raising somewhat angrily and defensively which made me laugh because in one instance, he took my feedback onboard but then five seconds later, he asked me the same flipping question.

Arghhhhhhhh!!!

Then it started with the enquiries I loathe also, What do you look like? What are you wearing so I bypassed those as I did not want it to go anywhere physical/sexual and he became increasingly flirty.

I was thinking, read the bloody room. If I am not flirting with you back, then don't be playful because I'm not receptive to it.

I made it clear upfront that I was not looking for a romance or a date or meet and he was fine with that.

Well he stated that and then he became more...... Hooked on me I guess?

I don't want to sound conceited because I'm nothing amazing but.. Well I have a certain appeal.

I can be friendly and sweet and nice in that single moment but it doesn't mean I fancy the person or want another chat.

I can just enjoy it in the moment and then forget it ever happened.

Due to all my experiences with men, I keep myself shielded and I like that because usually I don't get too invested.

Anyway he kept asking me to be nice to him and he wanted a hug or for me to say that I wanted to cuddle up to him.

Now as stated before I'm not really a touchy feely person because either hugs led to me being inappropriately groped which was traumatic and these were by male friends.

Or the men I was dating were just not tender at all, so hugging was met with repulsion and that put me off it.

Plus as I said last night I didn't want to be flirted with and when he kept asking for it, I was thrown back to all those times when I felt violated and just vulnerable and that put me off it, even more.

I don't go into my past dating history so soon. All I will say is that, it's been a negative experience on the whole and that is why I prefer being single.

But he started making judgements, instead of understanding, hey, we all have different preferences and that's alright.

Each to their own. He said, he finds my choices weird, who doesn't want to be hugged?? And I said me, I'm happy with my life and the way I choose to be.

So then it came to the point where he said, do you want to keep in touch and me being upfront, direct and honest reiterated my point.

I'm up for an acquaintanceship but nothing more, he said, look I have enough friends I want more. Anyone would want more.

I replied well I can't give you anything more so I don't see myself staying in touch because I've been very clear about my needs and you want something advanced.

He said I would like to keep in touch, text me if you like or am I not good enough for you? Will you just block me?

This started to make me cringe, as it was the neediness that came out of him, which is soooooo off-putting.

I did not lead him on or lie to him. I was completely transparent and ended with I probably will block you and not continue as I don't want a relationship or to date.

Truth be told, I may want to date in the future but because he was not my type, I felt like just being blunt to not give him false hope, or make him feel worse.

Again he just said I don't understand how you can want to stay single for the rest of your life.

At this point I could have easily explained that I was abused by men and my lil ounce of self esteem disappeared completely.

And that I began to torture myself and not eat and punish my body, all so that some guy would like me and say nice things to me and maybe fall in love with me.

That's not healthy and only by abstaining from dating did I start to like and love myself and see that I had real substance and appeal and that I should have been respected and treated with care but I was not.

Oh the other thing he said, which really irked me, Oh you are bad at picking men and we are not all the same.

Whenever I was telling stories, he always brought it back to himself, he never just took in my words and listened.

He always felt sensitive and said, well I am a nice guy and I wouldn't do that.

What I've learn't is......... The genuinely nice guys, don't have to shove it down your throats, they let their words and actions speak for themselves.

I was bewildered that he didn't comprehend my attitude was because of my past.

He actually said, you need to get over your (hatred maybe), of men. I laughed.

And flipped it around to him and said, if I said Trust me 110%, believe in everything I'm saying, would you????

In the same respect, only time will show someones true nature, you cannot elicit friendship straight away, trust is earned and that's the way, it needs to be for me.

In the beginning, grain of salt, I will take you at face value but if you contradict yourself later on, I will call you out on it.

I may not believe every single thing but because I have no reason to distrust, I will softly take what you say and give you the benefit of the doubt.

He found this completely offensive which just tickled me again. I'm not going to change my bloody personality, why do you expect me too???

He couldn't accept or even try to understand my point, which is a huge red flag to me.

You may not agree, it might not be your thing but if you can't have empathy and see it from someone else's view, you have no business in my life.

I need gentle gentle, not somebody grilling me or judging me but understanding me and meeting me halfway.

I have never found that in a single man. Married men, understand women more and know how to talk to them.

Single men do not have this ability I've found. I don't like talking to non singles but at least if I do, it's usually a better quality of chat.

I blocked M this morning. I would have done it last night but I didn't know how and I didn't want to accidentally dial his number ickkk. Ha!

Ohhh sorry one last bit. I know this post is ridiculously long already but there was a lot to digest.

This I found really ironic. He ripped me apart for not knowing that most of them men I dated weren't single.

How the hell would I have known they were married, engaged, living with someone, if they said they were single????

I'm not a bloody mind reader or that they would cheat on me. Or with me.

He said he was in a relationship that lasted 8 years with someone he didn't like because she wasn't kind to him.

I in the same breath asked, well why did you stay so long? He casually answered, Oh I didn't want to be single. Ha!

And you're cursing me out for making bad choices with men, look at your bloody self.

At least I didn't stay 8 years with someone, the longest was maybe a few months off and on and there wasn't many dates.

My self esteem was at rock bottom, until I began to value myself and realise that I deserved to be cherished and looked after, not constantly told I was horrible to be around and unattractive.

There a lot of men that picked apart my greatest sensitivities, like weight and looks and I felt really crummy about myself.

As soon as I stopped dating, there was some sort of re-awakening.

I looked at my positives. I was able to be optimistic. I stopped being depressed.

I'm always apprehensive that dating will bring all that back, physically and emotionally.

I am deathly afraid of being attacked but while I'm single, I'm safe.

He actually reached out to me twice but I didn't even read his messages. I want nothing to do with that sort of person.

#BlogLife343 - What level of friend are you?

I have an acquaintance that migrated into a friend recently-ish. He's harmless, doesn't flirt, doesn't intrude.

We just can talk for hours about non serious things for a long time.

I never realise I need that silly sort of chitchat until I am in the middle of it and it makes me smile and feelgood amongst all the drama and pain.

I think we've only touched on one deep and meaningful conversation about friendships, this entire time but I'm okay with it appearing superficial because it's something that I need to break up my day.

Another friend I can do a broader chat with, serious, lighthearted, she can cover it all and that's somewhat more meaningful because I'm not censoring myself, I can just share and know that she won't judge me or take it the wrong way on purpose.

They are both significant and fill a role and I'm grateful to have them in my life.

I have seen my fair share of unnatural friendships over the years.

People that target me for personal information that then use it against me to assume I am a certain way or to act superior.

People that expect me to drop everything, when they are in crisis but don't have the decency to do the same in return.

Even if I divulge something, I feel it's still one aspect of it, not the whole thing.

Do you have someone you can be yourself around? Do you have someone that you trust completely?

It's not easy to figure these things out. I only seem to do that when I've shared something private and then I face the reaction and think ahhhhhh, so you're that type of person. Hmm.

We all have to take chances though, let someone in but be cautious, see how they do with the small secrets first before moving on to the bigger ones.

#BlogLife165 - I didn't say that..

Why do we convince ourselves that it is better to keep silent?

Hmm what am I thinking? Ohhh nothing. I'm fine, yep perfectly adequate.

When in reality, it's.. 

Are you blind? Can't you see I'm in turmoil? How did you not notice or care enough to ask me follow up questions huh huh?

Other times we could rationalise it and say.. 

You know, I actually don't have anything on my mind but even if I did, it's not like people want to hear about it..

Honestly some people don't care and others are preoccupied and some are just not equipped to handle it.

You can either, look for someone that will be by your side and listen properly to all that you have to say or you can find another way to vent.

Don't keep giving your time up and aid others who do not do the same for you.

None of us are saints. Why don't you deserve the same in return? Why are you any less important than the ones you are propping up, making them feel better?

If you do on the other hand, have someone in your corner, encouraging you to speak, then let them in.

It doesn't matter if it's a small or big issue. It will be a huge relief to get it off your mind and that person will feel closer to you and fortunate that they could be there for you.

If however they turn it on themselves and don't act kindly but instead behave badly and attack you for opening up and being vulnerable then that is a big red warning flag that they only care about themselves.

One person should be strong to cater for the other persons needs and then it should be vice versa.

If you are not being looked after, what is the point?