#BlogLife462 - I dread summer

It's a strange morning with the sun shining but the wind blowing through me.

Dic called me first thing about 10amish maybe, I was already awake reluctantly as I didn't feel rested enough.

It's pretty funny that my phone rejected him before I did. I hit the answer button and spoke but for some reason it didn't take and it said missed call, instead of answered ha.

I did call the idiot back as it was the third missed call and I was apprehensive at what the hell he wanted..

As per usual, the fool just lets it ring and ring and doesn't pick up but hey, I fulfilled my obligation, I tried..

Then a lil while later he calls again, I get it and what has he been pestering me about nonstop???

Even though he had me there in person? A bloody survey! Yeesh, could have so easily emailed it to me.

What a dope, I couldn't respect him less than I already do!

The weather keeps changing, hot, cold, hot, cold and if there is another heatwave, it will be stifling.

I rely on my blankie so much. I do wish it was longer though, I have to keep tucking my feet in to get the warmth.

But it really soothes the pains so much. I haven't even used the heated massager as much because I don't feel I need as much.

In summer times though, I can't think of any alternative that will be a great pain relief substitution.

It feels so unnatural to fall asleep without a covering on top of me.

Maybe I'll put some icy bottles near me, although they do tend to melt quickly.

I also need to get a face wash, I'm sure the Biore one is almost finished, I thought I had some spare ones actually but nope, probably forget to get some.

I would like to try something new but I hope it doesn't have the scrubby beads, ick!!

The lump is the same and I can't tell if the dark acne scars are fading, my face looks really wonderful and clear, my nails keep growing but chipping.

I do feel less like a zombie and my body feels less delicate but I wonder if the three periods happened this month because of multivitamin intake......

The more I taste of the Nutrigums, the less I like it. It's quite bitter and strong. The hair one was much nicer.

It's the fact that you have to chew it and experience that tang which is off-putting.

Something else I wanted to add relating to yesterday's post is that I don't expect people to be perfect around me but certain things do bother me and I've noticed a lot and I shouldn't have to put up with someone being thoughtless.

For example if I share something personal and the response isn't a kind or caring word, that affects me.

Don't go overboard but just saying ummm... Thanks for being open, or that's tough, makes a world of difference, otherwise I feel I am talking to myself.

I divulged something and the response was......... Ok, well try anyway!

Ughhh!!! I'm not looking for a therapist or to fixed but some understanding sure.

How can I possibly spoil someone and be loving if I feel unheard???

It's like the walls just go back up and I feel underappreciated. Why give myself to a person who isn't showing me they deserve it?

Being alone is so much easier in many ways. Have a delicious weekend and I'll see you Monday.

(At least that's the plan)..

#BlogLife165 - I didn't say that..

Why do we convince ourselves that it is better to keep silent?

Hmm what am I thinking? Ohhh nothing. I'm fine, yep perfectly adequate.

When in reality, it's.. 

Are you blind? Can't you see I'm in turmoil? How did you not notice or care enough to ask me follow up questions huh huh?

Other times we could rationalise it and say.. 

You know, I actually don't have anything on my mind but even if I did, it's not like people want to hear about it..

Honestly some people don't care and others are preoccupied and some are just not equipped to handle it.

You can either, look for someone that will be by your side and listen properly to all that you have to say or you can find another way to vent.

Don't keep giving your time up and aid others who do not do the same for you.

None of us are saints. Why don't you deserve the same in return? Why are you any less important than the ones you are propping up, making them feel better?

If you do on the other hand, have someone in your corner, encouraging you to speak, then let them in.

It doesn't matter if it's a small or big issue. It will be a huge relief to get it off your mind and that person will feel closer to you and fortunate that they could be there for you.

If however they turn it on themselves and don't act kindly but instead behave badly and attack you for opening up and being vulnerable then that is a big red warning flag that they only care about themselves.

One person should be strong to cater for the other persons needs and then it should be vice versa.

If you are not being looked after, what is the point?

#BlogLife116 - I'm not a talker

I've mentioned this before that I am more comfortable in the role of a listener but let's explore than in more depth. I just took a wonderful gritty chat on the support system and that was why I volunteered in the first place.

Certain horrible things I can relate to, so I'm not just nodding my head and saying there there, it's get'll better soon, dry your tears. 

I'm saying look, I may not be able to fix it or improve your mood but I have a few ideas on what may help and these are tried and tested so I know what I am talking about.

Case in point, the person was feeling heard and validated and they requested another session. One per day, is so much more manageable than four or more. Yikes.

Anyway I can stand or sit and talk with a friend or a stranger but about random details, not anything particularly personal. I feel okay in that instance.

The minute it starts to get real and I have to share something that is not typical and run of the mill conversation, is where I really struggle.

These topics can be sensitive/non-sensitive. It is basically the opening up in general. I just have this constant voice saying, protect yourself.

Hold back! Are you sure you want to reveal that? You know that they are just going to throw it back in your face and twist it around?!

I am so used to this negative behaviour that is ingrained to be shut off and communicate minimally. One example is, I told one of the randoms that I dated a married guy.

Which again, is something I am not proud of but it happened and I can say it out loud but it was also during a horrendously stressful time in my life.

I was alone and I needed support which I was not getting from anybody. Not friends, not family, no-one and he provided what was missing in my life so that I had a reason to get up in the mornings.

I had something to smile about finally amongst all the murky darkness and depression. It wasn't perfect but I needed a lifeline like you wouldn't believe.

As you can imagine it's a prickly topic for me and he just trashed my character in an instant and I cried silently because that is what happens.

It always occurs. I open up and give a piece of myself, hoping to be understood and comforted and respected and instead I get a verbal slap and a disgusted response.

It's just not safe. I should point out that he did profusely apologise and I did accept it but it was noteworthy. I just find that at times I am told to carry the conversation.

I feel like I have to choose a subject and just make it fascinating. I can do that with a few things but certain areas I just feel foolish because I am just guessing.

I really can't stand to just be in the spotlight while I am floundering. I want to look smart and full of insight because if I don't, someone comes along and rips me apart.

I don't know how relationships work. I've never been in one. I know nothing about cars or sports because they hold no enjoyment for me.

Stop asking me to tackle something that I have no earthly interest in. I have to be perceived as knowledgeable because otherwise I'm just going to be criticised.

I am so sick of being on the defence and angry so let me be comfortable and stick to things that I actually can relay back in a quirky way.

That is where my strength comes from. I need to relax and be myself and not have to impress you. I am okay with me as a person, with all of my faults.

I accept them so why don't you?

#BlogLife46 - Hostile work environment

I remember a work experience placement when I was at school and if you remember at that point I had little to no confidence. I was nervous and excited and I wanted to do a great job.

I needed to make a fabulous first impression so I took a deep breath showed up and gave it my all. I thought for a newbie I was doing pretty well.

Unfortunately next door I heard laughter and mocking and that devastated my world. I know that I made a few blunders but I was young and finding my groove.

I was willing to hear constructive feedback and work harder to improve myself but I was let go shortly after and someone else offered to let me work for them but..

I felt so low. I was so tired of being looked upon as an idiot. I wanted to be good at something, more than competent. I really needed to be capable.

I should have accepted the kind offer but my head was all over the place. My thought pattern was.... What if I mess up again and embarrass my family even more than they tell me I do already?

I couldn't take the risk. I stayed home, closed myself off and became very depressed. The reason I am sharing this with you..

Is because the voluntary position I'm doing is the opposite to that above. They are approachable and friendly and they never make me feel stupid for asking legitimate questions.

I have never experienced that in my whole life. It's strange but really uplifting :) They had this mixer for the new recruits and it was so much fun.

I haven't laughed until I cried for ages. I realised yesterday that supporting myself is physically and emotionally taxing. 

Couple that with constant stress and insomnia and I had a crying jag yesterday. I sorta felt better but as per usual I went unheard.

I am used to being alone and taking care of myself but sometimes I wish it was safe for me to be vulnerable and upset. I would have liked for once to be comforted.

I realise looking back I did that for everyone else and barely anyone did that for me. It doesn't seem fair does it? That I have to be strong for everyone around me.

When do I get to be cherished? When I am going to hear..

"I'm dropping everything. I sense you are not alright. I will be there for you, no matter what!"

Never is the answer. I accept it but I don't like it.