#BlogLife1109 - Do you interpret dreams?

Song of the day - Go West - Faithful

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-4tf66-V3Q

This song of the day randomly popped into my head and I realised it wasn't on my phone.

One of the classics I used play on repeat.. Didn't know the words, did know the band.

Ooh my hair is looking super cute today.

Strange sensation this morning, asleep but awake and I had a succession of dreams but only recalled the last one..

Shopping for an event with a former close cousin and we were distant but sorta friendly.

Then this market, had grocery thieves, celebrity spotting, fancy schmancy items and regular stuff ha, very strange..

I don't think about this person, so I'm not sure why they were there?

I have no wish to reconcile, they showed their true colours to me and made it all about themselves, dismissing my needs and not wanting to listen, at one of the most vulnerable times of my life, so I cut them out, having faced this toxic behaviour regularly.

I should have told her, what I was doing, but I think I just refused her calls, not knowing how to articulate, how I was feeling and the hurt that she put me through..

Back then, I didn't really talk much, I tried but it was so deeply imbedded, without me able to decipher it, I just couldn't..

Nowhere, noone felt like a safe space to share.

She was the closest thing I had to a sister. I desperately wanted that bond, to be seen, to blossom and I thought it would fix everything or make life easier...

But her turning on me and expecting instant forgiveness, was a betrayal too far.

You can't just trash someone, insult them and expect to still be close, without facing consequences.

Plus she didn't fight for me, she could have travelled down to see me and said, I'd like to understand you..

I'd like to reconcile or at least talk and see but her throwing me away, kinda reinforced, she just didn't care.

I really didn't need another fake in my life. I tried to make it work, with the other cousins, a lot of them had sisters too..

But I just remained in the outsider role. I didn't fit in anywhere.

I'll always remember trying to be brave and express, that home wasn't a good environment, it wasn't safe.. To my Aunt.

But I was trying to use my words carefully, trying to be, only half vulnerable and not fall apart.

So I had to sorta, tell it while sarcastically laughing, or grinning or smiling, it was the only way I could actually tell someone..

But I was so hoping, she would see through that facade...

And she didn't and it tore me to shreds because underneath I knew how hard it was, and I knew I was holding back the tears..

Experimenting with trying to be open, trying to talk...

And she said...... Well it obviously isn't as bad as you make out, you're laughing about it...

I must have excused myself and just wept silently. I think my worst fear came true, I shared a secret and wasn't believed....

And I think I must have shut down because, what was the point of communicating???

Who knew, many many, many, decades later I would write about it and not feel embarrassed or ashamed..

And actually have the words in my head, freely and laugh/cry, be happy and sad and accept it, without feeling I need to be strong all the time.

I think I just needed to justify walking away because I was made to feel like garbage.

They didn't take the time to understand me. I struggled so badly, craving someone decent to talk too, to just feel I wasn't the problem.

That there was some appeal to me, that one day someone would want me around, to get to know me.

Now I feel differently, After everything I've been through, the world can go to hell.

I don't need anyone. I'll have chitchats but 75% of me, will never truly be seen.

I didn't really know all that needed to be said. It felt like I had closure ages ago.

I know that my Aunt stopped talking to my Mama and held her accountable.

And at funerals and when I was in hospital she reached out politely, briefly, to which I acknowledged her but neither of us, discussed anything personal..

It was almost business like.. And if she ever wanted to clear the air, I would, but I would not rekindle the friendship..

Which reminds me of another cousin, that sought me out, Mama gave her my number, without my permission.. 

And she never got in contact, which really pissed me off.

Don't reach out fakely, unless you actually want to connect. I'm sick of ingenuine people.

Ugh how could I forget, the UC appointment is tomorrow (today). I'm going to think of it like exercise, something I should do but I don't.

I'll try to give myself an hour to walk and rest and then maybe, I can shop a bit and not be dead on my feet, that I'll want to pass out.

Especially in this excessive heat. I only have bagels and fillings left but it depends how I feel.

Ideally I want to get food and snacks, realistically even with the rest breaks, I still think I'll be thoroughly exhausted.

Or I could take a cab but I don't know where they would be allowed to park, the main area is closed for roadworks..

There's no easy solution and I usually don't sleep well, so that's even less energy.

Oh just realised something else, as my bus stops are closed either side, when I'm coming home, it stops right outside a sandwich and chicken shop..

But again, it all depends, if my legs will let me go to them. At that point, I'm going to be dying to rest.

So on to today and got back an hour ago and have been munching grilled wings and some chips.

I wanted dessert but there wasn't any, or cheesecake which I hate, too sweet..

Quite tasty the wings, probably needs another 5 minutes under the cooker.

For some reason they gave me rice and some bread so that can be for later or tomorrow, I just wanted to get rid of my hunger.

I am dying to wash off the makeup and change, I just couldn't be bothered because my left leg is developing a strain...

Pfft, headaches, hand twinges and now this. The UC advisor even asked me about it, uncaringly and still gave me an in-person appointment.

What made me laugh to myself was that she called me and I purposely didn't check my phone..

Because she's gonna ask security questions, name, address, phone number, maybe, I forget..

And that's a risk of identity theft... Anyway I loved the fact she said she was busy.......

As though she's the Queen, pfft, give me a phone appointment then dodo!!

As if I don't have things to do. As though I don't kill myself, strain my body trying to make it, to the crappy appointments!!

Sod off!!

So I gave myself an extra hour, wasn't really needed, 30mins next time.

It actually starting off drizzling and cooler, which made walking heaps better.

When I walked that whole market, I swear I wasn't near collapse and that was longer, or maybe the same..

But then the sun came out and even with rest breaks, it helped but it didn't..

My body remembers the pain and tiredness. When I got there, I wasn't fainty...

But heading back home, there's hardly anywhere to rest, so even when I got off the bus, that dizziness hit me hard.

I was just swaying, thinking, not sure I'm gonna make it.. So even though it was just a few steps to the cafe/bakery or the chicken shop...

I couldn't do it. I knew I would need every ounce of energy to walk home.

It's probably just 5x minutes to get home but felt like an eternity. But at least I took the bins out this morning so now to do the uc stuff and finally relax.

#BlogLife448 - Untold stories

I thought I would add some updates. I really do like the scent of the Cath Kidston cream but I definitely would not go out of my way to get it.

Too overpriced and it only lasts a few hours. My elbows didn't feel super moisturised and I needed a top up every few hours.

I was trying to make it so that both sides of my hair were evenly flipped and it worked a lil too well.

My hair looked like it was aeroplane wings that were taking off ha.

It was such a weird outcome, I am not doing that again. I will just go back to randomly placing the curlers and hope for the best.

The other product, I don't think I snapped any images was the Radox bath soak, the red version which I had never seen before.

Dang looking at the website, there's even a pink one too. Anyway this is the ginseng and black pepper type and I wasn't sure what it would smell like.

To be honest I saw the shade and was all kinds of excited. I think I forgot to read the fragrances.

I prefer these over traditional shower gels as they are extremely hydrating to dry skin, plus tend to smell more natural and stay on the skin.

This one smells flowery and to be my utter amazement, really reminds me of my Christmas perfume because it just has this musky quality.

I adore it and will definitely have to stock up on it at Ocado. Most of my skin feels soft but I would say my hands and elbows are dry.

Oh I had a weird nightmare where I must have woken suddenly as I literally could feel the pain of someone hurting my leg and it was throbbing.

That is sooo weird but it has happened before. My brain is sluggishly trying to wake up and realise that, it's not real, it's just a dream.

I feel because I am so creative that the dream-like emotions spill over.

For the past few days I've been plagued by this story that I'm not going to write, it just feels to similar to what I'm working on.

My mind is craving something fresh and as I was going through an upsetting event in the plot, I felt so sad haha.

I'm telling myself it's just fiction but I started to feel like it was happening to me, as though I was going through it and having to deal with it.

I don't want to share the details in case I add it on to an existing story but it's nuts how some tales, move me.

When I'm writing these scenes for the future. I am going to try and tap into it, to make it more authentic.

Are you supposed to be detached when you compose or should you feel it burning inside of you?

I have no idea, all I realise is that my dreams have always had a genuine quality to them.

It's difficult to flip back to real life in seconds, it takes time.

Oh I forgot to add, I had some strange mail today. My gas/electric company EDF said, I hadn't paid my bills.

I called up to query this as my direct debit is set up to automatically pay them and I've looked at statements, the money is going out.

The representative was not at all reassuring. She just said, yea there is an outstanding debt, when are you going to pay it?

I was confused and said there should not be any amount overdue as I pay monthly, then she apologised and said Alright I'll make a note, sorry if you got any scary letters.

But shouldn't they know I pay it via my bank, already???? They have made errors before but I don't feel relaxed, I feel stressed.

I may call up in March or in a few weeks to see if there is anything still owed. Seems weird to me though.

What did make me laugh was an automated voice saying, you should get a smart meter and in the next minute, oh are meters are on the fritz, we are looking into it, bahahaha!!!

Screw your meters, excessively high bills to customers, no thanks. I love my value tariff, much much cheaper.

#BlogLife389 - I dream of postie..

Song of the day - Drupatee - Pepper Pepper

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZeMbZRnUkw&list=PLC743C3F57E46E499&index=36

Afternoony. Another exciting weekend upon us, what are you upto? In or out? 

Whatever you have in store I hope it will put a smile on your face. 

Apologies I know I am unfashionably late again but it took me all morning to warm up. It's pretty cold and rainy and I do prefer that but I just for the life of me could not get warm.

The blankie wasn't heating up so I cheated and put the boiler on and that took ages to heat the home and my brain just couldn't form any sentences so I had to wait.

Though each day my body gets better, I still feel sluggish and as though I need lots more rest so that's what I will do.

As you can tell from twitter, one of the parcels just arrived the Creightons face wash, I knew I had used that brand before but I didn't know in what capacity.

Before I had bought the Grapefruit wash and this one is ever so slightly different. 

It says Vitamin C Superfruits. I think I enjoyed the last version so this should be no different. I opened up the cap but there is no scent which is concerning...

Maybe when I use it, it will burst forth. I have this universal parcels app I use and it could not figure out the courier.

I've never heard of Aquiline before but the packaging is Amazon, I wonder if they are partners..?!

I guess all that matters is that I got it and it didn't leak. Only Royal Mail stuff tends to explode all over the packets it's delivered in.

The royal mail one is supposedly coming tomorrow between 10.50am - 2.50pm. 

A wide 4 hour scope haha. It might overlap with the groceries order. 

I do enjoy trying new brands but it's whatever is on offer. I'm not going to reach for the pricey stuff just to write a review.

Before the postie came and I was all curled up under the blankie. 

I was dreaming about being in a group photoshoot. It was something about hobbies and teambuilding and I had a fit of giggles that set everyone off and ruined the shoot.

I just found out all 3 of my exes from the group were in another pack and it just had me chuckling so hard.

I don't know why and that's all I remember until the postie was hammering my door like a madman.

Strange ha? Exes must be on the brain.. I don't think I'm up for company though, still.

#BlogLife61 - The nightmare that never ends

How are you doing today BlogFamily? It's strange how a lil innocent question can make you stop and think. Somebody checked up on me today and I can't say I'm not doing so good.

I just say I feel mixed. I am very stressed and on edge and that always without fail will manifest itself into my dreams. I felt drained so I napped and promptly woke up terrified.

I dreamt that I was falling without a safety net, harness or anything. It was just air all around me and nothingness. I did manage to fall back asleep but this feeling of anxiousness remains.

There is a person that I migrated away from but recently he offered some support so I always feel obligated to resume a very uneasy conversation.

It is so unnerving to constantly be on high alert because this person without meaning to, continually invades my boundaries. 

Today I found out he discovered something about me which I had not shared. I feel like he is pushing me to define myself. Like he needs to know personal information about me.

I have no idea how to say.... Back off please and just stop analysing me or assuming stuff about me. I really hate it and I feel I need another safe space.

I have just been avoiding him and I switched off notifications because I guess it is a normal thing to get to know one another.

But I feel like he should take the hints that I offer up and just realise he is overstepping. I guess normal people don't think twice about it.

They just say, yea ask me anything. I'll tell you this, that and the other but I see as the more I divulge, the more ammunition you have to use against me.

If I choose to tell you something, that is fine because I have thought about it previously and am comfortable with it but if you investigate me and find out things that I do not want you to know, now or ever.

Then I am weirded out by you and will probably create distance between us. I'm tired but I keep seeing horrifying images. 

Despite all the issues, I was really enjoying supporting people and to have this sudden down time is disheartening. I can just about respond to the regulars who message me.

I dare not accept a request for a live chat because of the frequent crashes. I am beginning to think they will never rectify it as it isn't profitable, just a money pit that flukily assists people.

I would love to be proved incorrect.