#BlogLife620 - Don't take on everyone's stress

Song of the day - Kenrock & Amrita - Carry Me Away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WneC4vGvCSw&list=WL&index=35

I'm not saying ignore someone that is troubled and experiencing difficulties..

I mean, empathise, listen, support and offer advice if they ask for it..

But don't let it drown your mood completely.

I'm sure you have problems of your own that need to be addressed right?

Tasks that you need to focus on, without being infected with someone else's angry, sad or frustrated mood.

It probably sounds selfish and uncaring but I've learned to detach and not become infected with their unhappiness because we all face challenges and overcome them eventually. 

Prior to this when I cared too much, it became all about them and solving their issues instead of working on my own and continuing to be productive. 

Don't you find it becomes draining? I bring this up because somebody mentions a mutual acquaintance.

The recurring theme is that the third party is struggling but hasn't divulged that to me because we don't have that type of relationship..

But I hear about it, in vague terms, not gossip just in a round about manner.

But I've stopped acknowledging it because it doesn't seem for my ears.

Plus there's nothing I can do about it and at some point one must help oneself.

Nobody is a Superhero than can endlessly listen and not become depressed themselves.

That's just my take on it, your opinion maybe different and even if I don't agree I respect it.

Me and Mama are still muddling through, she was sick today unfortunately but seems better now.

I advised her to lie down for a bit and sip liquids slowly but she had a lot to do and will hopefully get a good rest tonight that will aid her recovery.

t's 12.43am and I don't feel tired but that's nothing new. My stomach still continues rejecting mealtimes. 

The sum total of breakfast/lunch was an egg sandwich. I don't even fancy fizzy drinks anymore grr.

Just orange juice. Then dinner, if you can call it that, was a mix of a few plain poppadoms, some bombay mix, a packet of crisps and two miniature snickers.

Again no hunger pangs, just trying to keep my tum tum satisfied so it's not empty.

When this bloated feeling goes down, perhaps I will return to normal?

When I'm back home next week, no more weekend posts and back to daytime publishing and not midnight.

But for now, I will play it by ear, if I have something to say, I'll post, if not, will rest from the pmt nightmare!

When I sprinkle the essential oil on my pillow, I do tend to get a better sleep.

I have no idea what to order from Iceland as I'm not craving anything..

#BlogLife412 - Morning chill

I know I know, technically it's the afternoon but I'm still on morning time. I didn't have the greatest sleep.

I kept waking every few hours for some reason. I did try and go to bed early but it just didn't take.

I did get blocks of sleep though maybe that's why I feel alright. I have to try and stop scratching my face and near my eyes but it still feels soo icky.

It's a strange thing that happens. I wake up, wash my face and I feel it and it seems back to it's normal smoothness and then probably five minutes later, it's back to it's horrible roughness.

I can't wait for the treats to arrive, tracking hasn't moved much, it's not with Hermes yet but it's the busy season so I might not get it this week after all.

We'll see. I'm sorry that the Christmas theme/template didn't work out, I saw a bunch and got excited but two hours later, nothing panned out.

They just didn't look good or didn't display correctly so they were unusable. If I get a temporary new one I'm not sure if it will be festive..

I'll keep searching but it's hard to get free ones and then I have to edit them and remove repeated bits and get rid of the labels as I hate how that looks.

The Twitter feed was lost and I've forgotten how to replace that, I know it's a simple thing and I'll google it at some point but for now I have other things to do.

I don't think I can finish any stories. After I complete all my daily tasks I'm exhausted, I mean mentally as well as physically and I need some energy to write.

As I've said before, BlogLife writes itself so that's easy and takes no effort so it's more doable than composing stories.

I was thinking today about family and boundaries. At a certain point I saw relatives in an unflattering light and that was a sad day as I had always given them the benefit of the doubt.

Now I barely talk to any of them. I think it's just the ongoing disrespect, they treated my niceness as though I were a fool and I hate that.

One such example is when I stopped talking to my older brother and the cousins kept asking continuously how he was doing and what he was up too...

He was their favourite because he was just as snarky and falsely confident as they were so he fit in to their clique.

I know that I wasn't sure of myself or outspoken but I always tried to be helpful and polite.

Anyway I got increasingly angry and frustrated when they hammered me about his well being.

Eventually I just said.. "Look I don't talk to him, you know this, if you want to know how he is, contact him directly and find out for yourself and stop asking me."

As they always without fail acted surprised at my reaction, when I had been repeating the same speech!!

Their so-called innocent response was always..... "Well I was just making small talk and asking."

Ugh but they knew I had a fractured relationship with him and yet pleaded ignorance just because they all had close knit bonds with their siblings.

I mean that's great for you and I freely admit I was jealous as hell, to have that nurturing healthy interaction and someone that looked out for you.

I tried to reach a numerous amount of my cousins but they just didn't see me in a good light, they were hyper critical of everything I said and did so it wasn't a good atmosphere for my psyche.

I guess it just reminds me of Dictator (who has been weirdly silent for a week and a half now).

He routinely asks about my health but it's not a caring enquiry at all, it's a habitual question.

If I ask you how you are today? I care about what your answer is and my reaction will go according to that.

When I tell the truth and say, I'm really hurting today, I feel dizzy or sore or whatever.

His face is shocked with surprise............ "Really???? Sorry to hear that!!"

He knows I'm poorly but it's the mock sincerity and he's the one that causes me pain in the first place.

I would rather he just not be fake or sarcastic or whatever it is he's doing and just get on with the appointment and discuss my progress.

While I was putting on my lenses another memory popped into my head, I don't think I've shared this one, forgive me if I have..

My friends and I were going to a club, I was probably in my early twenties and looking trim.

I was probably a size 12/10. Clothing sizes vary on what stores you go into.

I had a favourite one that was in the market and on certain days there was new stock and some of it was ridiculously cheap.

I genuinely used to stick to dark colours but occasionally lighter ones, depending on the style and it flattered me.

I didn't have anything new to wear so I was browsing around in a few places.

Yeesh back then I had boundless energy and flitted from here to there, determined to get a good deal.

The only thing that was remotely appealing and fit me superbly well was this plain white dress and I didn't wear white all that often.

But it looked amazing on me and white is unforgiving! I don't know how I recall this but it was just £6 and I couldn't get over, how great this deal was.

In the end after ummming and ahhhing and asking everyone if I should get in and them exhaustedly saying...... Yes if you like it, go for it!!

I snapped it and then hunted for a shrug or top, something to go over my wobbly arms which I hardly ever showed off.

No matter how many workouts I did, I never had toned arms. A flat tum back then but arms nope lol.

I went to another place and I think I negotiated a price reduction as it was this beautiful lace white long shrug, that would enhance my plain dress.

I think it was just under £20 but I probably paid about £15. I was laughing because this beautiful thing cost more than my dress!!

Anyway the two together looked stunning. I was a fox!! I think I put silver/white sparkling nail polish on and put my hair in sections, separated with white snap clips that held it in place.

To finish off, it was clear body glitter around the eyes and neck. White mascara and white eyeshadow, against caramel skin, looked flawless!!

I just don't remember the shoes. I doubt I had white, so it was probably black court shoes, which were my favourite style.

I remember being so proud because that was one of the few times, I styled my hair prettily where it stayed and it looked cute,

Normally it was a horror show lol. It would start straight and then half curl, or flatten and have no volume.

I don't think it was a huge group but we went inside and I didn't realise that I would be a glow in the dark mascot ha.

Everybody in white, for whatever reason was glowing, so I joked anybody lost, could just look for me.

I recall this one male friend had latched on near me and I thought it was strange as he had confessed he liked my friend and I never saw him in a romantic light.

I kept encouraging him to go dance with her and he said No, no maybe later and I never understood why until years later when he said, that night, you looked so good, I found you attractive.......

And I thought........ Ummmm..... Hmmm.... That's weird as I didn't think you saw me in that light.

He was a good looking chap but I just didn't have those feelings for him.

It's funny though, everytime it was late, I always made him walk or drive me home, haha!!

He always grumbled and said it's just around the corner and I said I don't care, do your duty as a man, protect me bahahaha!!

I don't think I was scared, I think I just wanted company to walk home so I wouldn't be bored *sly grin*

You know a thought just popped into my head. I had a few male acquaintances that turned into friends but the lines always seemed to get blurred.

I realise I wanted some safe male role models around me, to prove that some men could be decent and not frighten me.

But either they assumed I was crushing on them or they touched me inappropriately or they flirted with me and that wasn't what I sought.

In the end I gave up on trying to find any male friends. I felt too creeped out. The amount of times I was groped, in the guise of a hug...... Was just disgusting!!

#BlogLife394 - The randoms are haunting me...

They are just popping up one after the other, shish. I feel slightly torn but not enough to respond back as none of them, valued the friendship/acquaintanceship I offered them.

It's so easy to go back into bad habits and get sucked in to a "good" on the surface interaction with MD/J and countless others but afterwards it's just the same emptiness that follows, which isn't nice.

I have so far managed to ignore them all. If I start a conversation or admit I'm angry, it just spirals and then I end up softly forgiving them and I don't want to do that.

I don't feel angry as such or mopey, just matter-of-fact. I think the one thing that does irritate me, is they knowingly approach me knowing I give in easily and always coax me into a chat.

You would think they would respect my decision and leave me alone but it's another case of, they care about their own needs solely, forget what I want. Pfft!!

Sometimes I like being really silly, especially if I'm not feeling great and worrying about this or that.

One guy said, can we talk? And I giggled and wrote back, do you have an appointment?

He was not best pleased haha. Other times I will just make fun of their randomly picked on the spot usernames and they've already forgotten them, so they have no idea what I'm talking about.

It makes me chuckle if they play along though, many are humourless though so I make my excuses early and bid them a good night.

At times I feel like a mixologist, I'm standing there adding water to the vimto and it's too weak and then too strong and then I adjust it and roll my eyes and get back to my snuggly blankie.

I've had some thoughts about the Christmas story. I've picked a title, some names and a gist of the style.

I just haven't come up with a concept yet. I'm not sure if this is the way to go but I'll see if it works as I write it out.

It's a beginning anyway..

Hmm I got conversing with another random and he was alright but I didn't feel the sparkles that I need to maintain it.

I was upfront when he asked to keep in touch and I politely declined but somehow we kept bantering on and then it migrated to a call.

I'm not sure how this happened. I was beginning to get sleepy but sometimes this is how these things go.

I had already stated I wouldn't give my number out and would only call on witheld digits but he took me up on the offer and just gave his number.

I was hoping that would have deterred him but nope lol. He was determined to have a phone conversation so I gave in and somehow knew it wouldn't be to my tastes.

We spoke for maybe 10ish minutes I guess. It wasn't great, he had a thick accent I could barely grasp and even he kept saying pardon to my sentences.

In the end I said I was tired and that this would be a one off and he was perfectly accepting of it and didn't try to change my mind or get angry, thankfully.

I am fussy but I think we all deserve to have our standards met. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and not settling for less than.

I have an appointment Monday to see the Optometrist about my right lost contact lens. I'm not sure how long it will take to make and get delivered.

Hopefully not longer than a week. It's hard enough to see and now it's faint and blurry.

#BlogLife287 - PTSD button pushers

At certain times I do feel invincible like nothing can faze me and I can take on anything. I'm in my merry lil world and everything is perfect.

I think mostly though there are invisible cracks in my shield and it doesn't take much for me to feel pushed into a corner, fighting to breathe and feel steady on my feet.

I had an instance today that was fully recognisable. It feels like this acquaintance set out to goad me and act superior, not really that nice, especially when they came to me for insights.

I'm trying to remain calm and not turn bitter at their rudeness. What makes it more irritating is that they are seemingly arrogant.

Meaning, to themselves they are full of bravado and self belief but if they truly were, they wouldn't be talking down to people. 

They don't even realise they are being immensely disrespectful by dictating questions I should be making enquiries about and asking me all manner of inappropriateness at the same time.

My head is ready to explode but I take a deep breath and assert myself. I courageously tell them that I'm happy to try and help them but first they have to value what I am trying to say..

Which is I'm uncomfortable with your grilling and can we change the subject? Also if you are going to continue ignoring my wishes, then you can find someone else to converse with.

Pro tip for anyone that is seeking sympathy......... Do not rile up your audience that is willing to be there for you.

Don't act above them and say, If I were you I would ascertain this firstly and would you please calm down and do as I'm instructing you..........

Big, huge mistake!! That will get you nowhere! Three strikes and you are out. I just clearly stated that I was sorry but I couldn't stick around for it.

What made it worse was the lack of self awareness and then being told that they are just like me and as such I should know how better to read people!!!

Arghhhhhh! Purlease. You have no idea what I'm capable of and unlike you, I can see things objectively. I know when someone is being polite or when they are being rude.

I hate to say it but yes I am better than you because I don't treat people like crap, I lift them up and renew them.

This just triggers the part of me that says SS, you're completely unworthy of attention. Why should I listen to you? There's no intelligent interpretations to gather from you.

Every single day I have to just cast aside these horrible nagging doubts and come through the other side feeling capable and tough.

Even though this confrontation was still difficult, I managed to deal with it correctly and take myself out of it. I still feel a lil guilty I can't fix their personality....

But I'm only human, I can't assist everybody........

#BlogLife240 - Mama and me on repeat...

I don't know how many times I can have the same conversation and not get annoyed. Why am I expected to sacrifice my safety? What the hell do you expect me to say?

It's Mother's Day weekend and I thought as I am not with her I'll order dinner for her and she won't have to cook today. I was gonna order more stuff but she hates everything I buy so it feels like a waste of money now.

I have no earthly problem doing that, it was my idea but then she brings up. Oh now I've moved and there's more room, you can stay in one of the rooms and your sibling will be in the other room.

Why on earth is she expecting me to say....Yes yes that's reasonable. She says the same garbage each time. Oh he's changed, they both have, like f they have!

As soon as they don't get their own way or something takes a while.... It's shouting and cussing and just the air of violence washing over the entire building.

Why would I want to be around that, yet again?? I told her, she doesn't see it and wasn't always around for it and she says, she understands but she bloody doesn't.

Why else would she ask me the same f'ing question??? It doesn't take much to set them off. One wrong look, question, topic, anything!!

I've had enough of being afraid around my so-called family. When is it going to get through? These fears blurred out into the world.

Most things scared me to death and still do. I have the right to some peace of mind. It's not something that can be brushed under the carpet.

I know she wishes I would get over my hatred of them but it's not going to happen. Either one day, they'll snap or I will. As this has been building since childhood.

I would bet money, she has never ever sat them down and said.. Look you made your sister's life miserable. She has a fear of men now, that you've done to her.

She is petrified to be in the same room as you. Get some f'ing counselling and fix yourselves!!!!

But no, there'll be none of that. She'll expect me to be panicky, nervous and on edge. Screw that!

She really is an expert at driving the wedge deeper between us. Congratulations, mission accomplished.

Why don't people respect my damn boundaries??!!!! It's hard enough to speak up and admit them out loud and yet they're still ignored relentlessly.

Talking to a brick wall irritates me and the fact she is putting it all on me, disgusts me!! It's like saying my concerns aren't valid and I'm just being hysterical to seek attention.

To grow up seeing hatred and embarrassment in someone's eyes when they look at you every day is a lot.

To then be chased around the house and be threatened is too much.

To live each day pleading with myself to be likeable was impossible.

How I wished that I was good company to have around. I seemed to look the wrong way, say the worst thing and do the opposite of what was expected.

Do you know how long it took me to be okay with myself??? To live and breathe and not want to jump off a cliff?

Every time she says just come and hang out. It's a knife through the heart.

When I was living at home. I had to endure the verbal abuse. It was daily and never ended. Now I am living independently, I have a choice.

I pick me! Although my wants and needs were never taken seriously. I'm determined not to blindly go into anymore dangerous situations.

No more, not even for you mama. Enough is enough! Take the hint and stop asking me to do the impossible, consider how it makes me feel.

You can dismiss it, although deep down you're still fearful of them also, why else would you let them walk all over you like a doormat??

Say goodbye to getting your own way and manipulating me. I'm not falling for the guilt trips this time or the next.

Why don't I stand up to them you ask? I do, once but then it happens again. 

The menacing looks, the venom. I'm just not strong enough. My voice cracks, my breath stills and I'm just frozen in time.

Yes I am weak and a coward. I admit that. But I'm also still alive and now I have the guts to say.....

NO!!!

#BlogLife61 - The nightmare that never ends

How are you doing today BlogFamily? It's strange how a lil innocent question can make you stop and think. Somebody checked up on me today and I can't say I'm not doing so good.

I just say I feel mixed. I am very stressed and on edge and that always without fail will manifest itself into my dreams. I felt drained so I napped and promptly woke up terrified.

I dreamt that I was falling without a safety net, harness or anything. It was just air all around me and nothingness. I did manage to fall back asleep but this feeling of anxiousness remains.

There is a person that I migrated away from but recently he offered some support so I always feel obligated to resume a very uneasy conversation.

It is so unnerving to constantly be on high alert because this person without meaning to, continually invades my boundaries. 

Today I found out he discovered something about me which I had not shared. I feel like he is pushing me to define myself. Like he needs to know personal information about me.

I have no idea how to say.... Back off please and just stop analysing me or assuming stuff about me. I really hate it and I feel I need another safe space.

I have just been avoiding him and I switched off notifications because I guess it is a normal thing to get to know one another.

But I feel like he should take the hints that I offer up and just realise he is overstepping. I guess normal people don't think twice about it.

They just say, yea ask me anything. I'll tell you this, that and the other but I see as the more I divulge, the more ammunition you have to use against me.

If I choose to tell you something, that is fine because I have thought about it previously and am comfortable with it but if you investigate me and find out things that I do not want you to know, now or ever.

Then I am weirded out by you and will probably create distance between us. I'm tired but I keep seeing horrifying images. 

Despite all the issues, I was really enjoying supporting people and to have this sudden down time is disheartening. I can just about respond to the regulars who message me.

I dare not accept a request for a live chat because of the frequent crashes. I am beginning to think they will never rectify it as it isn't profitable, just a money pit that flukily assists people.

I would love to be proved incorrect.