#BlogLife846 - Is it hormones?

I feel a bit off today. I'd like to write but my brain is torn. I think I've been ghosted by another J, why do we even bother at this point? Ha

That's fine, it was like talking to a quizzer anyway, as though he googlied questions.

I prefer more stories less interrogation techniques. Anyway yesterday I heard back from Mama but instead of email, she texted.

And didn't say she was alright, just something impersonal instead, which doesn't reassure me one bit, that she is safe and not surrounded by physical or mental cruelty.

She probably wouldn't admit it anyway. At least she can have fun spoiling, fussing over a newborn.

I am just concerned that he will steal her money or try some sort of blackmail technique, like if you don't give me cash, you'll never see your grandkid again.

He's psychotic enough to do that, although she's given his inheritance already, he's squandered it and her savings have gone now.

But I don't trust him at all. Even without the drug use, he/both brothers have a screw loose.

They despise women and are comfortable with threats and violence to get their way.

Nice to others, but behind closed doors, I certainly grew up wishing I was never born.

I'll be relieved when she returns next month. I don't really want to push her for information.

And I'll be completely honest, you can hate me if you want but I have no earthly interest or curiosity about seeing my niece or nephew.

The spawn of the devil, is not my concern. Sorry but anything to do with him, I don't want to know.

When I'm stressed and I have nightmares taking me away from my serene place, it's always because family is present in the dreams, haunting me.

I feel fed up and irritated at the moment. I'm not sure why. Before I go to sleep, I try to think of a comforting place.

I try to hit pause on all the stressy things. I might take some deep breaths.

There is something else that is an overshare. It makes no sense.

When I escape to fantasy land, when I want peace and a way to cope...

I always pretend I'm with a good guy, that I'm getting to know, and he's doing the same.

I think about sex and intimacy constantly and sometimes I freak out, other times, it just seems to happen.

But in real life, I know that I would be guarded. Now that I've sorta come to terms with my childhood upbringing and traumas.

I can no longer pretend they didn't happen. I used too, as though it couldn't ever repeat the pattern.

Things are different now, every date that I go on in the future, if I let myself..

I'll have to face it that this guy can not only hurt me emotionally, but physically too.

Which mostly prevents me from doing it and saying Yes I'll meet you.

For me I can't imagine settling down and finding a life partner. It's too far fetched, having never successfully found a decent boyfriend.

Probably the most I would hope for, is to find a man to talk too, hang out but taking things very slowly.

Letting it unfold naturally instead of bedroom antics. One issue I have is that, it's been so long since I've done anything physical, what if I get carried away?

The other is, what if I have a breakdown? What if I burst into tears or start screaming?

Or get trapped in a massive panic attack and blackout? In all honesty, all those things probably won't happen.

I think I'll have the strength to say, You know what? That's enough for now.

I'm not ready to go any further or I need a minute. Eventually I'll have to explain myself.

Explain the hesitancy, explain why I don't trust anyone and explain why I'm not comfortable around men or why I can't opn up without being prompted or gently coaxed into it.

It's 2.20pm and I haven't had anything to eat or drink. Ugh I'm sick of having no appetite.

Is it really hormones? I have to fix myself something and watch a foodie video to kickstart my hunger.

All these things I have to do, just to be normal. Yeesh. I don't look forward to that conversation either.

Where do I start? Ugh I don't even want to do it for the blog. Most of my readers I expect know already.

Maybe it's not just about finding someone, maybe it's proving to myself I'm not entirely broken, I've managed to somewhat heal.

And I'm capable of loving and being loved?

#BlogLife549 - You and me or Moi and me?

Song of the day - Ir Sais - Dream Girl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pAqWzNIKzE&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=8

I always mean to add the Song of the day but then I forget, so this time I added it first.

Just random songs that I find and enjoy, that you might also :)

I'm so hungry, I might just munch and write. I did a lunchtime shop and it arrived not to long ago and then because I was feeling quite cold..

I had to have a hot shower/bath to relax a bit before the groceries came.

I hadn't heard from D for two days and then he replied this morning and said he was just busy.

I did wonder if he was giving me the brush off but then the rest of me thought, maybe he's just occupied.

But he does give longer than usual good quality replies, which most do not so I'm grateful for that.

He doesn't have the deep voice that I like but it's pleasant. I'm still very much hormonal.

No nausea today but bloating and my appetite comes and goes.

I usually track all deliveries where possible so I know roughly when they are due.

I don't usually speak into the intercom, I can't hear them and vice versa, seems a waste of time.

This driver, who I've seen before said I could have been a mass murderer and you just casually let me in.....

Umm, not really appropriate to joke about but I shrugged and said I track everything.

Then I unpacked and compared everything to the receipt and it was all there.

But there were extras, some biscuits and something else....

A pregnancy test. I stared at it and thought, that is strange, it was mixed in with my shopping.

It wasn't in a separate sealed bag. I figure I am way past having kids now, not that I wanted any.

But it makes me think about being part of a family of my own, having a boyfriend, partner, husband?

Going out and coming home to someone, or being picked up when I'm near exhaustion and sitting in those comfy leather seats and closing my eyes.

(Knowing I didn't have to be on high alert that I would be assaulted).

I don't know how I would make that transition, to say things, I've never really said before.

I trust you completely.

I love you.

I'm all yours.

I'm not going to push you away.

I'm not going to run away.

I want a future with you.

With you I can drop the pretence and let you in.

I've never had that safety net to be totally transparent. To admit, this is me, sometimes I'm really bitter or sad.

There are times when I want company, (I just won't admit it), and other instances where I'm so happy to be alone.

Can I ever be kissed and not touched? Can I ever feel safe to say Yes, I do want that hug?

I just don't want to be grabbed.

Can a hug or a kiss just be solo? Is there any man that would respect my wishes and not go beyond my comfort levels?

That hasn't been the case so far and I've always ended up flinching.

I want to let go and be caught up in the moment, to smile, giggle, laugh and flirt.

I want to be held, to be cared for and admired for my independence.

I don't want to interrogate and ask what their intentions are.

But I can't. I always have to put my guard up and take it slowly and get ready to scream NO! Stop! Let me go!

I have to figure out a way to connect. Instead of dismantling it before it even begins.

I'll let you know, if I ever get it right.....