#BlogLife1099 - Officially on holiday/Tissue box hack

After speaking to Mama yesterday, the lift has been fixed and I will cab it to her, maybe Sunday or Monday so I'm taking my break now and haven't decided if I'll want to post while I'm away.

I feel I do need some downtime, some irresponsibility, with feeling rundown and not sleeping well, I'm a lil burnt out really.

The laptop frequently overheating and then freezing has been really annoying me but I've found a solution..

I just use my cooling laptop tray as a regular placement without the fan element as that's broken.

Now whenever I'm not writing, what I do, is place my tissue box on the lapdesk, then balance my laptop on it and boom, no more overheating, it works a treat.

So that's my shared hack, if you find it useful great. I'm just charging my electric toothbrush and will probably change the head.

It won't take me long to pack although half my laundry is still wet, ugh, always leaving at the worst possible time..

I wasn't sure what to eat but I have leftover rice, so I can cook the sticky chicken strips and have it with that.

I saw a pair of slippers I liked no red or purple shade though, boo.. I chose silver instead.

I am lifeless but all set for today (Sunday), 1hr30 minutes to kill as she changed the time to 3pmish.

But I changed my duvet and sheet, which was brutal and washed it, oof so tiring..

I trimmed my hair yesterday and actually it's behaving neatly, just about had the energy to wash it.

I'm packed but waiting until nearer the time to add the yoghurt to my overnight bag, plus my charger.

Then I will lower the boiler, take off all switches and lock up. Oh I should walk with the cake too...

Must have birthday cake, well ordinary with sprinkles, but Mama doesn't have any.

I feel bloated but decided to brave wearing the other new top, red leopard print, skin tight, but fits comfy and it's super cute.

It's still strange to view myself slimmer. Either I've reached my target weight/size or I am very close.

If I have, I'll still aim for another stone, my tum still seems oversized.

But I'm proud of myself, I look a lot healthier, less weight to carry around.

Less pressure on my body straining itself and clothes are fitting much snugglier, showing off the curves...

It would look better if I wasn't top heavy, but the twins as I call them are just there.

I'm sick of wearing baggy clothes and hiding away. I want to feel svelte and feminine.

There is going to be no more crazy weight gain. I have overhauled my eating habits.

No alcohol, barely red meat except for beef, lots more veggy/vegan options..

Drinking tons of water, exercising when I feel like it, I'm so bad at that..

Not eating late, or excessively when I'm bored but still having a hearty appetite to consume 2x meals a day, plus snacks.

Simple rules but it worked for me, no more denying carbs or sugar or that nonsense, everything in moderation.

I did really well, these past few years. My face is still round/squareish, I can't really tell..

It would be nicer to slim down my thighs, arms and tum.. Hopefully I'll recognise, the right time to stop consciously trying to lose more.

I'm not there yet though. I'm waiting to eat at Mama's, macaroni cheese, maybe a sandwich or toastie also.

It's lunchtime and I don't feel thirsty or hungry, just tired, although had a good night's block of sleep, til 6/7am and then a bit sketchy..

I wonder if she'll like the fudge? I wonder if it's good quality? I have sugary cravings at the moment, sometimes it gets tempered when drinking water, sometimes it intensifies..

Time to relax now, just over an hourish to wait... Just a lil note which is funny to me..

Her so-called friend charged me twice the cab fare amount I usually pay, so a hefty £40..

Supposed to be a saving but it was not the case, even when she's recovering from a hand sprain, I've never heard a single one of her driving friends offering to pick up groceries for her..

Seems quite one sided as she'll offer to run errands for them, without a car and suffering with chronic pain..

Anyway it's half breezy, half humid here, I didn't sleep the best. I'm just waiting for a breakfast fruit selection and an eggy avocado baguette and apple juice to get here..

Plus a chicken salad baguette for later or tomorrow, I changed my mind, can't face food yet, maybe a nap?

I put a picture on twitter, hmm, where did my appetite go? At 6/7am I felt famished...

#BlogLife886 - On display but on my own terms

I'm trying to deal with one issue at a time so I don't go completely barmy.

Stress is still eating away but I just have to face it and do the best I can with the limitations set upon me.

I met a new random yesterday B/G he can't make his mind up on his name and frankly I don't care, I wanted a distraction.

Anyway I felt like I was dangling crumbs to him, I wasn't really invested, didn't take him seriously at first.

My mind was consumed with everything that's going on still, which I can't just blurt out, very few would understand the situation without being judgy, and I don't need that.

But then later on when he kept saying Look, I have to leave soon, let's stay in touch, I was thinking....Hmm..

I don't make that decision on one chat. He didn't ask for my number or messengers, just email and I thought, alright that's different, I can do that, well as always I give them the spare one, the protonmail, not the main yahoo.

He basically delayed leaving for ages and that made me chuckle.

You know what's really funny, when they find out about the blog, they want to read it (to see if they are mentioned, mini fame status pfft).

None of them have ever connected the email to the blog, they just assume it's a cute name, Sleepless Scribbler.

So this random said I'm really impressed that you didn't ask for my photo, it's really off-putting straight away.

And I shrugged and said I don't do picswaps anyway, it's not my thing.

He accepted that and now today it's I want a photo of you. Ha! They all just trick me into thinking they don't want it, when they do.

So even though I'm completely against it, today I think I will do it, but not for him, for myself.

I recall years ago, sending that guy V, an unflattering picture, no makeup, probably greasy unfresh hair, peculiar expression.

And how free I felt, no filters, no softer display, not hours spent, trying to look cute and then still being rejected and feeling bad about my looks.

He loathed it and questioned the un-appealingness of it but I felt empowered enough to think, I know he won't look past it and see the real me and I still have the courage to send it.

So that's what I'm going to do today. Just go bare faced, messy eyebrows that need plucking, no volume on my flat oily hair.

No makeup making my eyes or lips pop. I don't see the point, when I'm getting ghosted or cut loose anyway.

I think most of my clothes are now two sizes too big. On my plus sized frame that isn't flattering at all.

The one thing I am going to do, is wear something fitted, a tshirt maybe because that's the only thing that would truly represent my figure.

Everything else makes me look and feel so huge and for the last few years I have worked damn hard to lose the weight but still there is two stones to go.

I would like for once to be seen and accepted in my present size but it's a long shot.

Rejection hurts but it's not the end of the world. I guess the more I have an earthy frank discussion, the more my confidence flips between high and low.

I can't lie to myself and make out I'm gorgeous and attractive. There is cuteness but there is also a figure that is larger than what men lie and say they want.

It's hard to keep feeling good about yourself, when the overwhelming response is........ You are not fanciable.

Right before I chicken out I'm going to take a break, snap the pictures, review them, write an explanation, send them and return to confirm it.

I wonder what his excuse will be? Ohhhhh.......When you said plus sized I thought you mean't like a size 14/16 not above that.

That's too huge, sorry I just remembered I'm in crisis and need to re-assess my life and who is in it and errr, yea I'll be in touch.

LOL! Did men get together and say Listen lads, saying you're not my type isn't going down well, make the above speech, she'll never ever crack the code, ok guys?!

Every single one of them, makes the exact same awol speech to me, hilarious, word for word, precisely identical.

Ugh I did it and it was difficult to get a good angle. I changed twice and I've always remembered the advice when you're not feeling great about your body, wear pretty lingerie underneath.

No-one sees it, no-one knows but it gives you a lift, far greater than any compliment.

And I admit it does work for me. I had bought a new black lace bra that looks satiny and cute but hadn't worn it, until today.

I still don't feel stunning but I don't feel yucky either and I'm bloated also, which doesn't help.

Now I just have to send them off. Ok, I probably spent about half an hour, picking the right words and now I'm back to cringing.

It's 2.43pm and he did say he was super busy today so I don't expect a response, but at the same I do.

Either I am appealing or I'm not. I don't want to care but I kinda do.

It's confusing taking new photos, on one hand I seem smaller when I wear something snug and then when I put on something baggy, I feel that is the truer image because I'm gigantic.

I have to stop stewing about this as it's nearly 3pm and I haven't eaten all day and just now sipping water, which isn't healthy because I did a similar thing yesterday.

So am I crazy or enlightened for not making the effort? I have no idea actually and I'm not saying do the same.

Always do whatever makes you feel comfortable, I guess there are times though we all have to push ourselves to keep growing and improving.

Anyway I don't know if it was a good thing to do but I do feel braver for doing it.

It's really not easy for me to put myself out there at all for a multitude of reasons.

I'm not looking for a man to tell me I'm beautiful, what I seek is a genuine connection, where my imperfections are celebrated.

For once, not being made to feel I'm frumpy. My hair's too short or that I don't need to be fed because I'm heavy enough..

There is a correlation between not eating today and trying to look semi decent.

But fear not, I've put a chicken slice on to cook and actually I was craving the vegan sausage rolls but I've finished them, boo.

I need to get some more. Oh good grief after all that, the attachment didn't attach.

I checked it and it was there. I did try something called an inline where it just pops up, this time I'll do the attachment version.

I want it over and done with. He was sweet, he did say not to bother as he didn't want me to be uncomfortable but I re-sent it on the phone.

I think I'm trying to tell my brain to pay attention, that I have lost weight, that I do look better and each picture, tells that story.

When I saw a new email before from him, I didn't even want to read it, ha, I am such a chicken.

Oh by the way, he's not a long-termer, he's only a temporary one, so why did I make the effort?

It's for myself, to show that I could do it and that another rejection isn't going to destroy me.

I need to embrace my hard work and feel positive that I'm changing for the better and that it shows and I will try to always validate myself.

I want to post this when he responds so I'm not thinking about it anymore.

And after all of that, what did he reply??

"Received. Panic over. Thanks." Ha, men really are the most insensitive creatures ever.

Whatever..... I think I'll just leave it there. I don't feel the need to get back to him, he didn't like them, obviously.

I wasn't expecting gushing compliments but alright, that's that. I can't help but laugh how women just go over and over things and men just shrug.

It doesn't consume them at all. I'm going to munch and forget it.

Wow, just wow though, four measly words. Ugh!

#BlogLife826 - Dropped another two dress sizes

Altogether I think I've dropped down four dress sizes. It's not official but the clothes I got recently are falling down practically.

I've got house clothes that I wear and these are yoga type pants that are loose and comfy and because clothing sizes in each store are different, I tend to go up a size.

But by doing that, during a healthier lifestyle where the weight is consistently coming off, it makes it difficult to judge, which size I should be.

I decided to be hopeful and instead of buying my usual size, that seems way too big now, I went down a further two.

That seems too ambitious when I still don't see physical evidence of a change but even I can't argue with clothes that don't fit anymore.

I'm still trying to be careful with my spending. It will probably be taken away, anytime now.

Me and Mama were joking that the witch loves the holidays, so she'll probably stretch it out until Valentine's Day, Easter or my birthday in summer, to stick the knife in and twist it.

I wouldn't put it past her, someone that thrives on causing misery.

Anyway I saw these really cute wide leg palazzo pants. I hope they are on the thicker side.

I bought it in navy, instead of black as a change and they seem to be shorter than most, I'm not very tall.

Most trousers I buy drag on the floor as I can't wear heels but I'm hoping they fit, as they are designed to be casual wear and not tight.

I've got to admit, I'm not exercising regularly, most of the time, I feel sickly.

What I am doing is eating less, as I don't have as big an appetite as previously.

I'm not limiting myself, if I fancy a snack, I'll munch and not feel guilty and I went back to drinking water.

Not because of health, for some reason, it's the only thing I fancy and I know that is great for dropping the pounds too.

I'm going in the right direction, it doesn't now seem I'm sacrificing or torturing myself to look and feel better.

That's a huge difference, I used to be really mean to myself and say that I was unappealing, so I should not eat and not deserve food.

I'm maturing though and through this blog and getting to know myself I've realised a lot of things.

I felt compelled to shut myself off from others, to overeat to protect myself from being noticed and exploited.

That my comfort levels were hiding in the shadows and not being seen, so that I couldn't be picked on.

And that I took onboard and believed all the negativity that came my way regarding my looks, my weight, my personality..

Plus the people that came into my life and didn't show me affection, time and respect.

I blamed myself for not being good enough, I thought that I needed to change, to fit in with others.

It took an insanely long time to realise that I was alright as I was, that those people didn't deserve what I had to offer.

It was them, it wasn't me. I tried my best to be loving and supportive and it was ignored.

Sometimes that happens to people though. I'm just glad that now I recognise these patterns of selfish/one sided behaviour.

As I've said many times, I don't think I'm perfect but I know I deserve better treatment, than what I've always received, that's for damn sure!

Screw their excuses, they were not good people! And if in your friendships, you're constantly feeling bad and noone is reassuring you or appreciating you, that's a red flag right there!!

That felt really satisfying to offload all of that. I've actually seen a few more reasonable tops to purchase..

But I actually remembered that what I need is a tape measure, to see my waist, hips, bust sizes so that I'm not buying in vain.

I've been taking notes from 2022 and it's crazy the amount of difference I've seen in my shape.

Before that I just felt stuck and frustrated and now I can have dessert and snack and still maintain my goals.

It is possible to lose weight the sensible way. I would just say, figure out what works best for you.

Maybe there is something you can't give up or compromise on? In that case look at other areas, where you can.

Maybe you're at your perfect weight already, then good for you.

It's not about being skinny or slim, for me it's about being comfortable.

A balance between health and a weight I can maintain without stressing and sacrificing food.

When I was in a rush and did it quickly and extremely, it didn't take for long.

Unfortunately as much as I wanted to rush it and reach that size yesterday, it wasn't possible.

I was forced to slow down and take my time to do it. Experimenting along the way and seeing what not to do.

If I'm right about my size, than I can live with just losing 2 more stones.

I've come a long long way and at the end I won't be skinny or slim or a Doctor's version of healthy.

But for me, I'll be extremely happy because I'll be back how I was when I was a teenager.

That's more than good enough for me but I'll probably re-assess it and see if further changes are needed.

Just to satisfy myself alone and nobody else because it's my self-esteem that matters, not how people see me.

#BlogLife545 - How did you lose weight?

I remember being asked this. Suddenly my weightloss had become everybody's business, well no not suddenly but more people commented and asked questions, which they felt was their right.

My yo-yo up and down journey was my own affair. However a part of me was proud of it and the rest didn't want to talk about it.

I did not want my looks to be the only thing that fascinated people. I had brains too.

The truth was I discovered what had finally worked for me. It wasn't sensible eating and moderate exercise.

It was self loathing, bullying myself to avoid temptation. You're pathetic, can't you even resist going for seconds?

Do you really need dessert? Look at you, totally bulging out and unattractive. No wonder no guys are interested...

On and on I went and joined in with everybody's else's critiques of me, why not?

It did seem to be the general consensus and then when I reached my goal, which seemed to be skinnier and thinner.

It just didn't make me happy. There were more eyes on me but this time, it was compliments and shock and surprise and maybe even jealousy..

I felt like the only way to turn this around was have a heart to heart.

I think I only said it to one person who insisted on knowing my secret and she was horrified at the answer.

I lost the weight by starving myself and exercising non stop all day.

I looked at her and said, don't do what I did and she nodded and found her own way to trim down.

It was probably a mixture of the journalling and talking to myself and saying.

I don't know about you but I'm tired of hating myself and not being my own best friend.

How about we switch it around, retrain the brain and be kind and supportive?

It didn't happen overnight but I started to catch myself saying something and spun it into positivity.

If someone asked me now? I would say do it in stages, don't just throw out all the desserts and go hard core, it doesn't work.

Find an activity or exercise that you hate the least, maybe even enjoy.

Mine is dancing so the workout videos that incorporated dancing were my favourite.

Find the unhealthiest thing in your life and try to find an alternative that is better for you.

I like fizzy drinks but I won't have it daily. I will buy it once in a while and when I first started out, I transitioned to fizzy flavoured water.

I try to buy fruit where I can but it's expensive and doesn't last the week so low calorie treats are what I seek.

Certainly the inches are coming off a lot slower but I have a healthier mindset and I prefer being bigger than the alternative of being slim but depressed.