#BlogLife886 - On display but on my own terms

I'm trying to deal with one issue at a time so I don't go completely barmy.

Stress is still eating away but I just have to face it and do the best I can with the limitations set upon me.

I met a new random yesterday B/G he can't make his mind up on his name and frankly I don't care, I wanted a distraction.

Anyway I felt like I was dangling crumbs to him, I wasn't really invested, didn't take him seriously at first.

My mind was consumed with everything that's going on still, which I can't just blurt out, very few would understand the situation without being judgy, and I don't need that.

But then later on when he kept saying Look, I have to leave soon, let's stay in touch, I was thinking....Hmm..

I don't make that decision on one chat. He didn't ask for my number or messengers, just email and I thought, alright that's different, I can do that, well as always I give them the spare one, the protonmail, not the main yahoo.

He basically delayed leaving for ages and that made me chuckle.

You know what's really funny, when they find out about the blog, they want to read it (to see if they are mentioned, mini fame status pfft).

None of them have ever connected the email to the blog, they just assume it's a cute name, Sleepless Scribbler.

So this random said I'm really impressed that you didn't ask for my photo, it's really off-putting straight away.

And I shrugged and said I don't do picswaps anyway, it's not my thing.

He accepted that and now today it's I want a photo of you. Ha! They all just trick me into thinking they don't want it, when they do.

So even though I'm completely against it, today I think I will do it, but not for him, for myself.

I recall years ago, sending that guy V, an unflattering picture, no makeup, probably greasy unfresh hair, peculiar expression.

And how free I felt, no filters, no softer display, not hours spent, trying to look cute and then still being rejected and feeling bad about my looks.

He loathed it and questioned the un-appealingness of it but I felt empowered enough to think, I know he won't look past it and see the real me and I still have the courage to send it.

So that's what I'm going to do today. Just go bare faced, messy eyebrows that need plucking, no volume on my flat oily hair.

No makeup making my eyes or lips pop. I don't see the point, when I'm getting ghosted or cut loose anyway.

I think most of my clothes are now two sizes too big. On my plus sized frame that isn't flattering at all.

The one thing I am going to do, is wear something fitted, a tshirt maybe because that's the only thing that would truly represent my figure.

Everything else makes me look and feel so huge and for the last few years I have worked damn hard to lose the weight but still there is two stones to go.

I would like for once to be seen and accepted in my present size but it's a long shot.

Rejection hurts but it's not the end of the world. I guess the more I have an earthy frank discussion, the more my confidence flips between high and low.

I can't lie to myself and make out I'm gorgeous and attractive. There is cuteness but there is also a figure that is larger than what men lie and say they want.

It's hard to keep feeling good about yourself, when the overwhelming response is........ You are not fanciable.

Right before I chicken out I'm going to take a break, snap the pictures, review them, write an explanation, send them and return to confirm it.

I wonder what his excuse will be? Ohhhhh.......When you said plus sized I thought you mean't like a size 14/16 not above that.

That's too huge, sorry I just remembered I'm in crisis and need to re-assess my life and who is in it and errr, yea I'll be in touch.

LOL! Did men get together and say Listen lads, saying you're not my type isn't going down well, make the above speech, she'll never ever crack the code, ok guys?!

Every single one of them, makes the exact same awol speech to me, hilarious, word for word, precisely identical.

Ugh I did it and it was difficult to get a good angle. I changed twice and I've always remembered the advice when you're not feeling great about your body, wear pretty lingerie underneath.

No-one sees it, no-one knows but it gives you a lift, far greater than any compliment.

And I admit it does work for me. I had bought a new black lace bra that looks satiny and cute but hadn't worn it, until today.

I still don't feel stunning but I don't feel yucky either and I'm bloated also, which doesn't help.

Now I just have to send them off. Ok, I probably spent about half an hour, picking the right words and now I'm back to cringing.

It's 2.43pm and he did say he was super busy today so I don't expect a response, but at the same I do.

Either I am appealing or I'm not. I don't want to care but I kinda do.

It's confusing taking new photos, on one hand I seem smaller when I wear something snug and then when I put on something baggy, I feel that is the truer image because I'm gigantic.

I have to stop stewing about this as it's nearly 3pm and I haven't eaten all day and just now sipping water, which isn't healthy because I did a similar thing yesterday.

So am I crazy or enlightened for not making the effort? I have no idea actually and I'm not saying do the same.

Always do whatever makes you feel comfortable, I guess there are times though we all have to push ourselves to keep growing and improving.

Anyway I don't know if it was a good thing to do but I do feel braver for doing it.

It's really not easy for me to put myself out there at all for a multitude of reasons.

I'm not looking for a man to tell me I'm beautiful, what I seek is a genuine connection, where my imperfections are celebrated.

For once, not being made to feel I'm frumpy. My hair's too short or that I don't need to be fed because I'm heavy enough..

There is a correlation between not eating today and trying to look semi decent.

But fear not, I've put a chicken slice on to cook and actually I was craving the vegan sausage rolls but I've finished them, boo.

I need to get some more. Oh good grief after all that, the attachment didn't attach.

I checked it and it was there. I did try something called an inline where it just pops up, this time I'll do the attachment version.

I want it over and done with. He was sweet, he did say not to bother as he didn't want me to be uncomfortable but I re-sent it on the phone.

I think I'm trying to tell my brain to pay attention, that I have lost weight, that I do look better and each picture, tells that story.

When I saw a new email before from him, I didn't even want to read it, ha, I am such a chicken.

Oh by the way, he's not a long-termer, he's only a temporary one, so why did I make the effort?

It's for myself, to show that I could do it and that another rejection isn't going to destroy me.

I need to embrace my hard work and feel positive that I'm changing for the better and that it shows and I will try to always validate myself.

I want to post this when he responds so I'm not thinking about it anymore.

And after all of that, what did he reply??

"Received. Panic over. Thanks." Ha, men really are the most insensitive creatures ever.

Whatever..... I think I'll just leave it there. I don't feel the need to get back to him, he didn't like them, obviously.

I wasn't expecting gushing compliments but alright, that's that. I can't help but laugh how women just go over and over things and men just shrug.

It doesn't consume them at all. I'm going to munch and forget it.

Wow, just wow though, four measly words. Ugh!

#BlogLife521 - Clothes shopping can be depressing

I was hoping for a stop-start period but nope still on and I find it harder than ever to sleep.

I think maybe 1amish until 5amish I slept and then it took me ages to fall back to a deep slumber.

I liked the purple top so much that I bought it in blue and red, it worked out to £6 each including postage as there were more discounts added and I had some credit left over.

I only have a handful of thin long sleeved summer wear so I don't mind paying about £12 for 2 beautiful tops that I feel happy showcasing.

Yesterday I was thinking about how my weight fluctuated so many times and when I was slimmer, clothes shopping was fun, I could try on loads of outfits and there was so much variety.

But mostly I was on the heavier side, surrounded by skinny people who could walk into any store and find something to wear.

Shopping with others made me feel so bad about myself because the ritzier the shop, the less choice I had, if any.

I think there were times when I was so happy to see my size I bought things I didn't even like.

If I wanted to go window shopping now I would probably have to find a plus size speciality store, that was far far away.

Whereas online there are quite a few places to have a look at. It's a relief to be the same size in all of them actually.

Normally it's different sizes in different stores. I think that's why I'm continually surprised when clothes actually fit me.

There seemed to lots of times when everything was too tight or unflattering and it was disheartening because trying different looks had been another way that I expressed myself.

I felt shy, withdrawn, unsociable but my fashion sense would sparkle. I didn't always do bright colours but occasionally I would.

Maybe through that, part of me was saying don't ignore me or underestimate me, I may look timid, I may not contribute much but underneath the layers there is more to me, that will eventually be unearthed, given the chance..

#BlogLife520 - Slip into something comfy

I'm not sure how long I've had the red slippers, I think it might have been a year or just under but they need replacing now.

I feel like they are about to come apart so I spotted a blue pair on Shoezone for £7 and I paid the additional £2 for Saturday delivery as there are less headaches when it's tracked.

(This was before I knew, they put the wrong address on it and it was returned grr).

The ebay ones were good but too heavy, I'm hoping these are lighter but sturdy too.

It's lunchtime but I'm not tired enough to nap sadly. Oh lil tip for you.

Sometimes like today my hair stays plastered to my face, even in the wind.

If there is time I will tousle volume into it but occasionally I'm running late so for the first time I did it at the bus stop to the bewilderment of queuers.

I looked like a monkey scratching her mane. I shall not be doing that again....

I think it will probably loosen up when I sleep. It's a heavily nauseated day so I bought some fizzy drinks.

Pret had fizzy apple, plus a grape and elderflower with citrus added. I'm not a fan of elderflower but thankfully this is tasty.

I guess today might as well be a cheat day but I don't tend to be rigid, I'm flexible with naughty munchie days.

I popped into my International retailer and picked up more raw hazelnuts and almonds. It's just basically unsalted, which is healthier.

I don't know if they are roasted or not but I just like snacking on them randomly.

I was going to peruse for dried fruit but I already felt my energy depleting so I picked up the pace.

I saw this sinful looking chocolate and vanilla cake for £2.50 for 6 pieces that looked amazing and I bought it.

I am trying to buy less sugary snacks but I think pmt is demanding sweet treats.

I also bought sour cream and dil crisps and that was it. Breakfast or lunch will be the avocado and egg mini baguette that is perfection from Pret.

Yesterday the purple top arrived but I was too tired to open it. I wore it today though and again, it almost seems fitted.

I'm still getting used to wearing my actual size and showing my true, bigger than average figure.

However this top in particular because it is a low V neck, made me reminisce about my younger days. wearing tight clothes that I could get away with because I was quite slender.

The top isn't tight on me but it's the perfect size. the sleeves are fantastically long. It's not too thick or thin.

And it's a beautiful light playful purple that has a pattern different to the normal and I adore unusual styles.

It's hard to explain how I feel except to say that it's as though I've lost more weight just by dressing better.

The sun is too harsh for me to shrink into the background with multiple layers so I have to dress minimally and I do feel comfortable and tailored.

Nothing is on display, not bra, not arms or legs but there is a sexiness in daring to bare your unique shape, no matter what it is.

For some of us, it's easy, it's a routine but for others, we take our time, try it indoors, by ourselves or with friends and family and see their reactions first.

Have fun experimenting and creating your own sensational look. You can gather opinions but only your view matters, if you love it, that is the bottom line.

When you next look in the mirror and say Ugh, I hate this, that. why can't I be like so and so..?!

Change it too, Hmm, you know, that's actually a pretty colour on me. Or I never realised that particular feature is stunning.

Celebrate your loveliness. I see it in you, now see it in yourself :)

#BlogLife393 - Sizing myself up

As I've shopped through a few different stores and I've gotten the same result, I have to conclude that I have gone down a dress size or two.

I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because it's a mind kerfuffle. 

As soon as I make progress with weight loss, I sabotage myself and add calorific foods to my shopping basket.

It's a good thing downsizing, it means that what I'm doing is working. The gentle exercising, the healthier options, less evening snacking.

The 8pm cut off point. I just don't want the outside voices to influence me.

I accidentally let it slip to my mama and she was overjoyed which annoyed me because she has been the one that has always nagged me to present myself like other slender visions.

I don't want to people please or let myself be talked into what other people think I should look like so it's tricky.

It's like every time I get smaller, I'm saying they were right to harass me into feeling bad about myself and not accepting my own widely feminine shape.

I just need to remind myself that I am doing this for me. I want to be healthy. 

I want clothes to fit me better so that I don't have to wear baggy oversized versions but more tailored and curve inducing garments.

I would like to squeeze into a seated area in a restaurant and not feel it's cutting into my tum tum.

Maybe the nausea and other pmt/pms related symptoms would have less of a long lasting intensity?

I know that all the shopping sprees helped to point out that I loved fashion but I stopped shopping somewhat because of how it made me seem frumpy.

But now that I've gotten these wonderful new outfits. I feel more me again.

I don't want to hide away as much as before but I'm not exactly saying check me out either.

I'm just content with adding splashes of colour here and there. 

Now I just have to take the plunge and purchase something in the new size and see how it looks on me..

#BlogLife193 - His killer enquiries...

It sounds like a fiction title but today is about things men say that trigger my insecurities.

I've had it so much that I recognise it now and it's offputting and not something that I like.

It's definitely a deal-breaker. I got talking to a new random last night, let's call him I.

You know what the funny thing is? He can insult me all night (I actually wasn't taking it personally because I wasn't invested and I was snapping back so it was a bit of a back and forth).

But as soon as I said something really blunt because he wasn't getting a reference. He completely stopped talking.

I thought that was hysterical. He can dish dish dish but can't take it? Perhaps he should think twice, before trying to mess with me.

Q1) Do you have shapely legs?

Being a shortie at under 5ft7. I always think that means long and skinny legs.

I always say mine have meat on them.

His reply..... "Oh, that's a no then."

I have a love/hate relationship with my legs. My legs are acceptable but thighs are chunky.

Q2) Are you small and pert or an out of control size wise?

Of course the pervert is referring to cleavage sizes. Again I am pretty vague, assuming I even reply and just state.

They are not small and that's it.

His reply..... "Oh I see, not denying that you aren't perfect."

Initially my face is red and I have a few seconds of, hmm, why can't I be ideal for men?

Then I remember we are all wonderfully different in our bodies. We don't need to conform.

Men are so obsessed with.. It used to be adult magazines and now it's adult movies, seeing those skinny images and misconstruing that all women need to be the same, otherwise they are not attractive.

Q3) How long have you been single?

I never tell them the entire truth so for a laugh. I say it's been 20 years.

Then I just say, been a few years.

His reply.... "Are you that bad?"

I just explain that I am single by choice and leave it at that. I'm mostly just chuckling through his answers because it occurs to me, that he is purposely trying to make me feel bad but failing.

He continues making lil digs. I should hide the food away and stuff like that.

The men that I've dated have had a lot of the same attitudes, with the lil insults here and there and I used to let it get to me but now I just see them as twerps :D

The last thing I said to him was........ "You are pretty but so dumb."

I hadn't seen what he looked like but I softened the insult. He just said "That's rude."

He expected me to apologise and I figured after all the nonsense he had said. I don't feel bad or sorry. Haha!!!

Q4) What do you feel insecure about?

Do you see the direction the conversation has gone? It's not about my positives and what I feel proud about or my hopes and dreams but about his need to make me feel flawed.

I know by this point, he is waiting for me to say my figure but I refuse because I don't feel the least bit bad.

I actually feel even cuter and more voluptuous than before. I just say something about, my inability to control my temper lol.

His reply is... "Oh you seem scary."

I don't correct him at all. I can be, especially when someone is putting me down, in the guise of casual banter.

You could look at it like..........Oh SS he is just making chitchat. You're taking it too personally girl.

You know what men are like. Brains in their trousers. However I see it as the incorrect way to approach a woman.

Better questions would be....

A) Whatever your size is, are you comfortable in your skin?

B) When you're having a rough time, can you recommend something that cheers you up?

C) What features of your personality make you smile the most?

D) What do you like most about being single?

E) What do you look forward to each day?

F) You're quite enchanting, how do you make sure people don't take advantage?