#BlogLife915 - Premature celebrations

It's making me laugh that I got contacted about the lip balms I bought, the duo blackberry and they said, Thanks for a good review.....

Um I haven't left my mixed feedback, so you're in for a rude awakening, why would you do that?

To guilt me into positivity? Sorry I don't work like that, I like honesty.

Nothing is wrong with it, just the applicator doesn't disappear all the way into the lid and that bugs me.

Also Mama's gift, the red panini press, they are doing their utmost to avoid refunding me.

I have a feeling it isn't lost, they just want more money and it was overpriced as it was.

They sent me flipping sandwich makers images as a potential replacement item?

Ummmm no way, the panini press is such an advanced delightful item to grill on, like a mini barbeque, why would I want anything less than that?

I still find it odd, that if I didn't chase it up, they would have been content to take my money and keep the supposed "lost" item.

It's covered by paypal protection so if they refuse I will still get my money back.

Something petty is bothering me and at this point, I wonder why I care?

I called Mama yesterday about the grill and arranging when I should come down and it's like she couldn't be bothered to get back to me, reply to the text, call me back.

But if that was her other children or anyone else, I bet she would have done.

This why around this time, I feel like crap, being everyone's lowest possible priority.

It's been two days and she hasn't bothered, a birthday text yes, but not a call and at this point I'm sick of chasing her up.

I have to think about the grocery order for the weekend for next week, I think if I haven't heard back with a definitive date, I might just cancel the whole damn trip.

I like to think if I had a daughter I wouldn't make her feel like she doesn't matter. 

I wouldn't gleefully critique her. I wouldn't knock her self esteem and I certainly wouldn't make her feel like she's always in the wrong for being female, instead of male, like the other 2 pieces of garbage!

Apart from the overly short front wisps that stick out, actually the haircut turned out well.

There is a lot of side flicks and it still appears as though my hair is fuller than it actually is.

I prefer to just take care of my own needs/happiness and not rely on other people.

Oh shoot two things I was gonna do, shop for a thinner robe and pluck my brows lol.

Ahh I just got my refund for Mama's panini press. I'm not sure what I'll get her.

There's been some fun hampers, the seaside fudge and coconut ice, the kitkat one, the Green and Black, Ferreros mix..

Oh one small thing I would say about the new random (BB/P), he did check up on me, not crowd me, just a short text.

That was appreciated so in the end we did end up texting and talking a bit like we usually do every day.

I didn't mention why I felt emotional or the family dynamic and he didn't press, he did make me laugh though.

He's too flirty but underneath the hormones, there's a decent chap, we've had varied discussions.

Ok one last thing that cemented our connection? He has the most delightful voice, that's so important to me and his is perfect.

#BlogLife798 - My body is old, my mind is ageless/Bitch strikes again!

Album of the day - Madonna - Immaculate Collection

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-pXUCkcCgY

Normally as it's December I would post Christmassy songs but I'm still recovering and although my back is better, my legs are really achy and painful, so walking is a struggle.

However as I was about to wash off the mud mask, I just remembered how much I loved listening to this album on cd, over and over again at home and dancing and singing along to it.

I put it on and immediately my cares melted away and I sang my lil heart out, it felt good to dance and forget the pain for a bit, it's returned but for those few minutes, that was bliss :)

This is what I mean, by music inspiring me and distracting me from focusing on the negative aspects of my multiple ailments.

I'll give myself a manicure and pedicure tomorrow and I should do my brows also, I haven't really looked to see how untidy they are.

I was not upto stopping and getting a brow shape, felt too rough, to stop for even a second.

Ugh and I forgot to oil my hair. I think with music, I almost feel normal, like everyone else, not someone constantly struggling with their mood and physical capabilities.

It's Sunday afternoony and I just had some croissants for breakfast, I managed to sleep in this weekend, which felt good.

I'm still struggling to be on my feet and my hands are extremely delicate but I'm persevering.

I decided to use the last of the Parissa wax strips and if they weren't peeling off only a quarter or halfway, the wax had dried up,

Unusable so I think only a handful actually worked, totally crap and a waste of money.

Thankfully I now have a place to get my brows done professionally, although for some reason the lift floors confuse me.

I seem to get totally disorientated as they look the same. Maybe the slight claustrophobia is affecting my brain.

Anyway my brows were in good shape, only a few stragglers to pluck so that was simple.

I chopped my nails and tidied those up and I'm just charging my battery operated pumice pedicure tool to finish off my tootsies.

The only thing left is to finish the washing and do a deep hair oil conditioning treatment but I'll do that next week probably.

Oh and I thought of one last Christmas wishlist item, a new slightly bigger cross body bag, mine is a couple new years old I think and I wouldn't mind a replacement.

Oh I knew she was waiting until Christmas to get back to me. The person from the DWP finally called and this was from the beginning of October.

She had the whole of November to follow up with me but Noooo, she waits until Christmas, I called it.

I knew she was waiting to fuck it up and send me on another bloody rollercoaster.

It's been so long I can't recall the exact bloody words she used but suddenly what I sent in to her, isn't good enough!!!

LIke fuck it isn't. I complied!!! She's apparently satisfied with the Bank statements but not the Paypal.

FFS!!! I sent in as I'm sure she requested, transaction history. Now she says, that isn't what she wanted.....

Now she's given me 2 weeks to send in the correct thing, which is balance history?

Isn't it the same fucking thing???? So now I have to figure out how to do that garbage, walk halfway to town, spend another frigging what was it £60???

To print this crap out again, for what fucking reason??? Plus I'm still looking at courses to enroll in and most are saying they are unavailable.

I was just letting my guard down, just forgetting about all this and then, big reminder, chaos reigns supreme over me!

Ugh!!! Looking back at the wasted expensive download, I think she wants a running tally of each transaction, mine just has the deductions not the remaining balance.

But still, very poor excuse to get in touch with me because everything was still included, she saw what was incoming and what I spent money on.

I think this is spite because she didn't see huge lump sums of money, the way she accused me before and her acting skills have gotten better.

She was all softly spoken and "friendly" for a vulture!! Anyway I'm still Googlying how to do this and I have a week before I go to Mama's.

By Friday I want to have everything done, my last UC appointment, the course and this printout bs!!!

Then I can go to Mama's on the 24th and forget this garbage! I've almost lost my appetite again, and I can feel the stress engulfing me.

But I'm trying to be strong, step by step, I shall figure it out and complete it.

There is definitely no time for creative writing, sorry stories, no completions for you!

#BlogLife777 - I never feel I measure up enough..

It's 11.46pm at night, I'm not ready to sleep yet. I had a fun chat with L earlier.T apologised for his late reply, ha, honestly I think he expects that I won't tolerate being ignored..

But I don't care if he's late, I care if he's a week or 2 weeks past due.

Although at the moment my mind is weighed down with what's currently going on.

But at the same time I feel hormonally yucky about myself. 

Like I'm just the most unattractive dull person out in the entire world.

T is trying to be flirty but not sleazy and I'm pushing him away saying..

You'd suit someone well rounded and confident..I also said I like the idea of romance and dating but not the reality so I wanna have a sex-free marriage/relationship/involvement lol.

So he replied Relax and that maybe I would learn to be comfy around him.

I personally don't think I'll ever be myself or feel safe around a man ever.

The only times that would change is within fiction or my dreams and I would still find a way to sabotage any potential happiness. 

I would question Why he chose me? What he sees in me?

And more importantly What the hell he expects from me??

At this moment in time, I feel ugly and inadequate. I know also that, the above answers to the questions wouldn't satisfy me.

I always get these complimentary onion crisps with the wings that I normally discard but I thought I would pair it with the chicken burger, nice but strong.

I really should have bought a sauce, even if I wasted it, very dry.

i would eventually ask them all again, scrutinising the responses to compare them to the previous ones.

This mood is somewhat pmt and mostly just truth about how I really see myself, aside from the rare sparkles of self esteem that seep in sporadically..

Well it's 5.23pm on a Saturday night, the sun has gone down, it's been a nice day actually.

I took out the bins and even though I haven't seen or heard the Postie, I thought let me check if there is mail.

There was, on the 30th they are doing smoke alarm checks, which is weird, I didn't think they bothered, but maybe it's a legal requirement thingy for landlords.

Anyway, it arrived, the bulk of the Bank statements and I was surprised, it's really small.

I'm not a wild spender anyway, more a conservative and I thought what is the best way to put them altogether.

Both wouldn't fit into the thin small stupid single envelope she sent me.

She knew they wouldn't all fit, more game-playing. I thought maybe I'll do several envelopes together and add a note, it was all from me.

But the simplest solution was to use the huge padded envelope I bought, put everything including the letter she sent and just add the address, take it to the Post Office next week and then have it weighed and pay for the stamps.

I sellotaped it good but what was funny, was writing the address pierced it, argh, only a tiny bit, but I switched pens and finished it off.

So that all is collected and done. I've done everything she asked and now I know for sure, she will get her damning evidence way before the 1st November deadline.

A week and a half I had left. I'm hoping I get my Universal Credit appointment next week and it will all line up.

I want to pay my bills before they start adding on interest. I just don't know how long they will reduce the payments and to what amount?

What will the verdict be? She'll probably laugh when I said I spent nearly £50 on printouts. Ugh!

I wonder how much the first class stamps will be? £5? Last bit to add, now I know why I'm still craving chocolate and feeling off.

Last night I started my period. Ughhh! I literally just finished a 4 week monthly and now on again.

I really hoped I would skip this month. No such luck! I don't know why the wifi is still acting weird.

It keeps going weak and disconnecting, normally it's pretty good and only acts up in stormy weather.

#BlogLife666 - I'm trying to be happy..

Yesterday and today I've been trying to be in a better mood and fight the hormonal rampages but it's tough.

I have cramps, I feel empty and drained and I still want to scream at someone, well actually punch them in the guts!

I don't feel hungry but maybe having some cheese and crackers will help my tum tum settle down?!

I thought today, let's try and have fish and see if I like that particular version of the sandwich spread, Princes salmon but I forgot one tiny, teensy, itty bitty fact.......

It's in a tiny jar and I can't open it. Ugh my strength is getting weaker, day by day.

I am forgoing that plan and just going with something that I can open easily, which is the cheese.

Even though it's not something I can control, I still feel disappointed in myself when I can't do things.

I wonder if other sick people feel like that or if they just accept it and move on?

Yesterday she kept saying see a Doctor, like it's just easy, to go in and make an appointment and get the help I need.

One, appointments are like gold dust, extremely rare, I know as Mama has been trying to get one, to get a referral to treat herself and it's been near impossible.

Secondly just to put myself out there, re-tell my story, my symptoms and angst and be looked upon like I am dirt, who is just giving a feeble sob story and wasting their time, kills me.

Doctors made me feel like I was losing my mind. I questioned my own sanity because they said I was all fine and there was nothing wrong.

Is it any wonder, why I don't want to go through that crap??? I have to prop myself up and just be strong, all the flipping time.

I can't do it. I don't wish to serve myself up to the devil doctors, only to be dismissed, yet again.

I'm waiting for my phone to install a software update, I doubt it will be android 15.

I think I will go on pay as you go, when my contract ends but I'm not completely sure.

At least with contracts I can get a free phone every few years. Ugh EE has changed the website and I can't get my billing information to see when the renew date is, I guess I will call them at some point.

I found a new show Sight Unseen, about a woman losing her sight, who is a cop and hasn't adjusted to it so doesn't want to use a cane, or a poochy.

She uses an app, which connects her to a sighted assistant who becomes her eyes but she's screwed when her phone battery dies.

I think she's an idiot for not using a backup. 

I think petty me, was waiting until I managed to overpower the jar and open it.

I wanted a lil victory in my corner, it's not really the big bad wolves hiding in the shadows that I'm battling..

It's the everyday issues, that sometimes, I just cannot solve..

#BlogLife452 - Fuck Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentine's Day to those that are celebrating and those that are not.

You know I was even contemplating treating myself to a pedicure and eyebrow shape but lil did I know how the day would unfold..

Hair looked great, both sides flicked up, needed to pin it back because the front was a bit a crazy but if you pull out two lil wavy strands, it saves the hairdo.

Went with the pink lippy, it's not bad, nothing special but my eyes looked cool.

I don't know how I don't notice these other colours but I love this palette.

No idea where I got it from but I never noticed the red shade before.

I always two tone, so I did this medium red sweep first and then an arch with a light pink and it didn't fade away, looked cute.

I also wore this light red jumper top but it's pretty warm today.

One of the randoms called me on a private number and then tried to pretend it wasn't him.

Crikey they make me laugh. Pro tip, if you're trying to maintain anonymity, don't follow up with a text revealing your number..

Kinda gives the game away Sparky.. I have no idea which lunatic it was.

I don't answer private numbers unless I'm expecting a call. Then he texted asking if I was alright, then it was some random girl's name.

You wouldn't have witheld your number if you were calling a new girl dumbass. 

You knew I wouldn't pick up and that's how you outed yourself!!!

Anyway back to my day. I slept alright the pain is still there but I half woke up and noticed a lot of moisture.

I thought great it's dissolving and the pain and lump will be gone soon.

Hmm. When I woke up properly and put my lenses in, firstly I've never had a lump leak, they just disappear.

Secondly this was leaking half the night and it was blood. I've never experienced that before either.

It's actually still going and I don't exactly want to stop it as, it's supposed to empty right?

Putting on a bra stung like crazy. After I had shower/bathed I cleaned it up and kinda wanted to leave it clean.

I'm not sure if I should apply aloe vera or just leave it until it's empty, re-clean it and then add it.

This is all new to me. I did Google it and sometimes bleeding does occur in some cases and it's not necessarily an alarming thing.

I'm still worried I guess. Not enough to see a Doctor but it's on my mind so much so that yesterday I burnt my breakfast.

I hope your day is going a lot smoother. I was supposed to have a meeting with Dic.

I set off as normal and then the driver when I was halfway said, Oh by the way we are on diversion.

Arghhhhh!!! I don't understand how some buses are just driving normally and some are not.

I got stranded halfway and had to walk quite a far way to get to him.

I'm actually proud that I did it in 30 minutes. I wasn't sweating or too breathless or in pain but I was nauseated, dizzy and my legs were crumbling.

I so wanted to rest but I am a responsible person so if I have to be somewhere, I'll show up.

I finally got there and did the fool answer? Did reception answer? Nopeeee.

I just left, wondered how the hell I would get home and realised that he's gonna demand another appointment this week.

But he can go fuck himself because the buses aren't normal until next week, which is what I included in the email, minus the cursing.

I'm exhausted and the weird thing was, even though it was warm, I couldn't bring myself to open my jacket.

It's like everyone could see the lump, obviously they couldn't but I feel really weird.

Hmm just changed, I leaked through the bra, maybe tshirt too. I don't really have an appetite but I'm gonna force myself to eat a bit.

I need to rehydrate and have something in my tummy. Then hopefully I can nap and ignore DicTwit!

Much easier to just leave my phone off. I'm sorry that I couldn't write something more fun for the day. I'm just stressed.

Take care and hopefully there will be a better post tomorrow or the next day..

#BlogLife403 - Ways to cope around the holidays

We are almost at the end of November, are you excited about next month or dreading it? 

I'm back to sleeping badly and only getting a few hours of rest each night so in the daytime, my brain is going a mile a minute and then just crashes out and I doze.

I don't know what I was thinking to try and complete two stories, as it seems like everytime I relax and get into it, the email pings or the phone buzzes...

You need to do this, there's a last minute appointment tomorrow or we need a chat. Grrr at least with Christmas I'll get a break hopefully as maybe I won't be in the area.

I know some of you will be affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder due to the changing weather getting chillier.

The nights getting darker more quickly and the fact that you have to bundle up and not wear skimpy sleeveless short clothes anymore.

Personally I love it because I can curl up under the blankie and don't feel so exposed when I'm outdoors without layering.

But I'm trying to think of a few activities to get our minds more chilled and positive.

I think for me, I'm just going to try and be as organised and productive as I can, while resting frequently as the pain is just ongoing at the moment and it's affecting my concentration and mood.

I will do what I can each day up to my limits and then switch off completely.

1. You could bundle up and go for a walk/jog.

2. Take up a new hobby, you don't have to throw yourself into it straight away, you can do it in sections so that there is something to look forward to that's different, each day.

3. Donate your time to a worthy cause. What helps me carry on is knowing that I'm still able to walk around and do things for myself, some people can't do that.

4. Get stuck into a new book/television series. Try to pace yourself as this will keep you content for a longer period.

5. Similar to the above but go to the cinema, check out something you wouldn't normally consider.

6. Try citrus fruit picking in a farm that will be in season. All those delicious scents around you, lush.

7. You could try picnicking or camping, even if it's only in your garden with snacks, funny stories and lots of blankies.

8. Go visit a Farmer's or Christmas market, there must be tons around where you can locate fruits, veggies, flowers, jams and cheeses.

In the Christmas market, you may find candles, jewellery, food, alcohol, decorations and toys.

9. Some galleries and museums don't have fees so google local attractions and see if there is an appealing one that isn't too far away.

10. Some parks where you can see animals won't cost you anything, again this is location dependant and you readers are all over the world so I can't name any as it isn't relevant.

11. Try a new place to eat, whether you dine in or order it for your home, you never know when you'll discover a new favourite restaurant.

It might even inspire you to add your own creative flair to existing recipes.

#BlogLife358 - Brain says No..!

Monday was a UK Bank Holiday and I feel I should have taken that day to give my brain a rest and not blog but I always feel guilty. 

The followers want continuity I'm guessing so truthfully even though I don't feel like it, I proceed.

I'm not always happy with the results but it's better than nothing right?

Sometimes I read old posts, correct them and feel proud of what I discussed that day and other times, it's just filler.

They can't all be deep and meaningful especially on a daily basis, sorry I can't do that.

If that was the preference, instead of daily uploads it would be weekly.

I think I'd hate that personally. I would miss sharing a part of my day with you.

Sometimes it's repetitive and not the most fascinating read but it's honest.

I don't feel lonely as such but I do miss having an ongoing random about.

The problem to get to that point I have to visit those chatrooms and presently..

I can't be bothered. Half of them don't even listen to the tedious questions they drill me with.

Zzzzz.. The switch to the types that are embarrassed to be there and criticising people, left and right without bothering to get to know them.

Pfft as if you're some beefcake purleaseeee! I've forced myself to have an early night.

My brain was saying blog or I won't let you enjoy your downtime but I know I'm not tired so it's going to be a party music night.

There's a lil stress, lil unmotivation and I just would much rather sleep in the day, than at night.

I just can't close my eyes tonight and certainly not at 11.50pm. It's premature.

I couldn't even settle on something to watch. It's that time where I feel split into different directions so anything I do, feels wrong.

Plus my lenses are really bothering me even though I have deep cleaned them, use eye drops and protein tablets repeatedly.

I feel like the grit is cutting my eyes up when I rub them so they feel delicate and watery at the moment.

The interesting thing that I spotted, that I will have to get for myself is the gel eye mask has been upgraded.

I've never before seen it with cut out eye holes. I think that's brilliant for the daytime when you have a million things to do.

#BlogLife342 - Aftermath of physical/emotional trauma

I've been snapping a lot and I'm trying to take some steps to deal with my feelings.

I'm surprised that I'm sleeping really well at the moment, huge chunks of sleep which is unusual but very needed.

I've done some pampering too, I added a mask and face wash to the face brush and spent a bit longer massaging my face which was glorious.

My skin is glowing and I feel more calmer but there is still something lingering behind.

I guess anger because it could have been avoided and why even put traffic lights out if they are faulty??

I'm conflicted about travelling home to see family. On one hand I still feel guilty about not seeing them and I am downplaying their destructive depressing influence on my life....

But on the other side, the older I get, the less I can hide from the brutality of it.

It's not all bad but it just seems easier for them to get to me and it takes me longer and longer to bounce back.

I really wish they could sense how toxic their language and behaviour is but there is just no self awareness, they think they are all fine!

Maybe it would be different if I was mentally stronger. If I had tougher walls that didn't crack.

I don't know, I'm trying, I'm working on it. It's just hard sometimes, dealing with the aches and pains, PTSD, the insomnia, the writers block and the nightmares.

Plus having to support myself, knowing that no one is ever going to have my back. 

I really have to watch a tearjerker, which is the next step to force the tears out but I'm not really in the mood.

I've been enjoying the latin pop songs and adding more to the playlists which is fun.

Although I did try to watch one and didn't feel anything lol. Bollywood films always make me cry but reading the subtitles gives me a headache.

I did end up speaking to mama yesterday and she was different.

She seemed like she was actually listening, sympathising and focused, normally she is barely there and quick to disconnect.

I'm not sure why the change of heart and I'm not expecting a complete turnaround but it was pleasant and we will probably meet soon for dual pedicures.

My family is tolerable in really tiny doses, that's what I've realised.

#BlogLife332 - Surrendering to fate

I actually feel better. I went to bed earlier than usual and just drifted off in a relatively short time.

I did wake up but seemed to fall back asleep easily. I forced myself to eat breakfast, my stomach was flip flopping but actually the nausea is gone.

I'm enjoying the Never Have I Ever season 3 episodes, minus the cursing.

But I think just saying it out loud that I'm giving up trying to control everything that is beyond my grasp was freeing.

A weight lifted off my shoulders and I actually said the words, well alright, I'm off to have a good cry now, take care..

I didn't actually have a weeping session, I felt like it but it just didn't come and I didn't mind either way.

The audience was bewildered but sometimes I am very in touch with my complicated emotions.

It's knowing that I have been responsible that helps. I have nothing to feel bad about.

I'm enjoying healthy snacks, fruit and nuts but those lollies are calling my name...

Sometimes it's better to let go. I know that I can catch myself, take care of me and be the hero/heroine to my own story.

Speaking of which it's going to make editing the unfinished stories tricky as I normally add my notes to the drafts which I had to delete as it gave away plot points.

Did you like them? I would have thought the arranged marriage one would have been more popular but the writer one gained more interest.....

Hmmmm.... I'm also relieved that Saturday I think it was, I received my new bank card. Honestly I was fretting about the neighbours taking it but I have it now and can chill.

I'm currently watching the second episode of My Big Fat Fab Life. I still find it strange, that she can't hire professionals for the odd jobs she needs and uses friends instead but meh..

I think it would be fun if Jessica turns out to be a bridezilla and she looks cute as a blondie.

#BlogLife270 - Dear L

I'm sorry that I don't have it in me to talk just yet. I don't want you to worry or feel bad, it's just hard to explain.

You see when someone makes me feel bad, I think about the other times that people made me feel unsafe.

I don't know why this time is different but somehow, a lot of memories are just coming up, one after the other and it's just too much to deal with.

I thank you for your patience and kindness. I'm just a bit messed up at the moment and I can't seem to get back to how I was.

This is why I tend to disappear for a while and not say anything because I'm just trying to make sense of it, or just take a break from feeling like I am too lost, unhappy, depressed and scared.

I'm trying to focus on a couple of stories but I'm struggling to write these happy funny stories because I feel burdened with ghosts from the past.

I don't know how to say it and make it clear. It's like being followed around by a phantom and this being is shouting abuse and calling me names and it won't leave me alone, it won't disappear, it won't stop pursuing me.

I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I just don't have the strength to talk. I would never just cast you aside, as though you didn't matter to me.

But having space to myself, this is my coping mechanism, this is how I start to feel better. This and music.

It's helping but I keep thinking about bad experiences and every time I feel better, some other painful thought comes into my head and it's making me step back.

You're in my thoughts and I hope that you and hubby are well and finding things to smile about.

I'll be back but not yet. I have to look after myself.

Take care

(((((hugs)))))

#BlogLife255 - The girl trapped inside herself

I wasn't sure if I would publish something today. I wanted too but my thoughts wouldn't form anything on a particular subject. I've just been thinking about when I first moved, well kicked out was the accurate term.

Home was some sort of captivity but it was the only place that I knew. I went for daytime and evening walks just to escape the threats that lived and breathed in the air.

When I was younger dating seemed normal and elusive at the same time. Nobody objected to it but I was secretive all the same.

I started dating to feel like everyone else. I still didn't know myself that well but I figured in the right company, it would start to unfold of it's own accord..

I don't think it did though. I recall phone conversations being far deeper than any date I encountered. I don't recall telling anyone about the junkies at home or the constant verbal abuse.

I may have mentioned that I was unhappy at home and that I would rather be outdoors than at home with them. I guess in the beginning I was waiting to be loved and cherished, to be missed.

When that didn't happen and I was groped or shamed or mocked.. I somewhat settled for that. It didn't hurt as much as it was coming from strangers that I had no feelings for.

When my friends and family readily did it, that was different, it was personal then and I felt the jagged barbs.

I don't know if potential suitors picked up on my sensitivities or they didn't care enough to disguise their insults but I dated the same sorts of personalities continuously.

Liars, cheaters, verbal abusers, man-handlers. I soon gave up on the idea of love and finding someone that would genuinely want to look out for me.

Dating instead became like oxygen. A nice reprieve wherever I could get it. Home was suffocating but I couldn't seem to leave it.

I did want to feel emotionally tied but there just wasn't any feelings. It was just some sort of emotional life-line.

I compare myself to others and feel like I am over-reacting but like PTSD it builds over time.

When I did hole up in a hotel for a few months while my place was getting prepared. It was a strange time. I was still recovering.

The pain was still fresh, walking was challenging and the panic attacks were more gripping. 

I felt this distance and freedom all at once, part of me wanted to party and the other side was terrified still.

I set aside dating because I didn't need to do it anymore. It was an exhausting horror show.

Would he show up?

Would I like him?

Would he like me?

Would he assault me?

I decided I would rather date myself instead. There was someone that seemed to track my number down, no matter how many times I changed it.

He was good and evil wrapped in a prickly bow. Nice when I wasn't challenging him and his obvious fabrications but when I tired of the charade, then he turned psychotic.

Out came the threats and I had my numbers changed the following day. I don't know if he attempted to contact me again. 

I blocked all unknown numbers and decided he had served his purpose.

For all the friends that I had that knew this depressing mood festered inside of me, none of them really understood me and took the time too but he did.

Although he didn't see all of me. I did let him in a bit. I do know that blogging helped me get in tough with what was happening inside my mind and heart.

I was very jaded and began to resent being there for people, when the same sentiment wasn't returned.

It wasn't okay and I severed ties, one by one. I should have doubts but I felt weightless. Not dragged down by their burdens and having to give advice.

I fully admit meeting someone still fills me with dread. Whether it's emotional or physical violence... I just feel too tired to hold this guard up and shield myself.

Who will love the unlovable?

I will, for I do love myself now. I understand myself more and the pain and tears that bubble to the surface mingling as one.

I took this time for me, part of it was self healing and the other bit was curiosity.

Thus Raving Insomniac, Firecracker, Curvyst and many others were born and thrived 

:)

#BlogLife235 - How do I process these feelings?

It's not a good day. I was chilly so I put my jacket on and even layered up. I was going to dress light and fluffy, in the new wrap purple top but it seemed too flimsy.

I was sicky all morning but when I put the mini fan on, I felt a chill. I even thought I heard the pitter patter of raindrops outside.

There was a slight breeze and then it got really warm and with the mask on, it felt suffocating. I don't know if it's still mandatory to wear or not so I'll keep using it.

Then I kept missing appointments. I just don't feel up to it. My stomach won't settle and I want to reschedule. I just don't know the number.

That is piling on the guilt as I just want some peace, to feel like crap, away from everyone, hassling me.

Now the cherry on the cake is. I heard back from the cleaning company which I'll now name because the customer service is shoddy.

Emop and instead of an apology, discount and some kind words, like I used, there was angry, defensive feedback.

If indeed the flush mechanism had been that flimsy, why has it lasted over 10 years without breaking???

I just wanted him to say, sorry I am at fault. It was a long, tough job but I should have been more careful.

Instead I'm left with this weirdness inside me. As I should have taken better care with my place and deep cleaned it myself.

At least I take comfort in saying that, although he broke my toilet, he did a thorough job and was personable.

I wouldn't trash someone just because of one thing but I am angry that he broke something, that was working perfectly without any issues and instead of accepting blame, he totally bypassed the guilt and shrugs it off.

I am left to get it repaired and deal with the fallout of, how big a job is it?

I guess I just feel a bit exploited. That I spoke up and expected a more respectful answer. That I would be heard and validated and treated better.

I could give a mean rating but that just seems petty and he did do the job required, that's the annoying thing. I want to rage but I can't.

I will just leave it unsettled. I really don't see the point in pursuing it as they don't seem interested in refunding the lack of equipment charge or dealing with my unhappiness due to the damage.

It helps to let it out and I'm starting to feel better about it. Live and learn.

Ahh almost forgot to mention. A new beauty place opened up but they only do threading brows which I hate, will check out the facial treatments though, sounds nice and it's in a convenient location also.

I got a purifying Himalaya Neem face mask for oily skin for £2.80 to try out and a Himalaya saffron mint face wash, not sure of the price.

I'll let you know when I sample them and how they turn out. I feel better, nausea has subsided and I managed to change my bed without vomiting.

I can't do the floors though. I'll probably get yet another cleaner for them as I am wiped out. There's nothing left in me.

My duvet is all lumpy and uneven and I don't have the patience to fix it.

The really nice thing is, I postponed the appointment and the woman I spoke to, was actually really sweet and understanding, she said possibly Thursday but not to worry about it.

I also called up about the toilet and have to wait back for an appointment so there's nothing left to do but eat, except I don't want to do that.

I may just skip it. I'm not getting into bad habits, the stress, pain, nausea and tiredness is just getting to me.

Tomorrow or next week, I'll shake out of it but for today, I shall now unwind and game and watch ER or Whose Line reruns.

One good attitude, cancels out one negative :)

#BlogLife234 - Cleaner guilt trip

I was going to do a deep clean of my place. I was only doing small bits here and there but the pain is so bad, I can barely stay upright.

I should clean as I go. I tell myself to do it and think, later, later, later. Then that time never comes.

After delaying and putting it off. I'm just going to do what I can and hire a cleaner again to do the rest of it.

I don't know why I find the floors the hardest. All of it is crippling but the floors just seem to take more exertion and I'm fighting nausea again.

Before I can change my mind. I'm going to get one for tomorrow and get it over and done with.

There are just so many questions to ask, do they take Paypal? Do they bring their own equipment? I have supplies but it never feels like it's enough.

What if they don't show up? I've had cleaners flake out on me and it's scary to think about paying upfront with a potential no show.

I think the other times, I paid cash afterwards which was fine, at least I knew they would have to turn up to be paid. I guess with Paypal I'm covered.

I also prefer if I can communicate with them in English as I have to explain instructions and how the steam mop works. I don't want to leave it on to ruin the wooden floors.

I just ask for the same thing, all the floors mopped and the whole of the bathroom. I just never know whether to include my room.

That's where I'm usually holed up, where do I go? I never feel comfortable leaving them alone in the house. I don't have many things to pilfer but what I own is special to me.

I should be able to do this and I'm beating myself up that I can't. I should just book one twice, or once a year just for peace of mind, without the guilt.

A lot of people do it. I just feel like a bad person, a less than person for not doing it.

It's all booked for tomorrow. There wasn't a deal as such and it's pricier than I paid before but I know I'll feel better afterwards.

This is the one thing that is worth paying for because it stresses me out and I still procrastinate. There will be 2 cleaners but I hope 1 doesn't stay chatting on the phone, bossing the other one around like last time.

Hmm well as usual that was a bust. The first set of cleaners said they didn't have the right equipment and before I could mention I had a steam cleaner, they vamoosed.

They had the cheek to charge me for parking, even though they were here less than 5 mins. The supermarket guys never charge.

Not a happy bunny at £30 but I will get a refund for the rest. I decided to try elsewhere and it's a bit odd when there's no phone number but an online booking system.

Seems pretty standard as I was shopping around for quotes. They wanted to charge extra but I found a replacement and he is just one guy and managed to make good use of the time and make everything sparkling.

Pricey but I don't feel so cluttered and messy now. He takes pride in his work, I can see the difference between him and others.

I will give him a glowing review but the surcharge for bringing his own supplies when he didn't, needs to be refunded asap. I'm so sleepy.

The crazy thing is I just couldn't eat today. It's the uncertainty of having strangers invade my home, not knowing if they'll be judgemental.

Plus it's a safety thing. I just feel wary but it helps me. This thing that I struggle with, that someone can take off my plate is a blessing.

I don't ask for assistance at all. This is a nice treat for myself. I guess that is a better way to look at it, than feeling inadequate that I can barely move around, let alone, be neat and tidy.

Oh you know what the weird thing was? Ha I got so much asmr from the brushing/scrubbing sounds. It was bliss.... Love that sound.

It was all going swimmingly..........Until disaster struck. All of sudden I kept hearing constant water flow and the time was up. He tells me, he is done and everything to his credit, is clean and dry.

Then he brings me to the bathroom and says, it's a typical standard thing. Happens to a lot of people. No big deal. Your toilet won't flush and runs not overflowing but you can hear the sound.

To flush it now, I have to go into the top part, take off that lid thingy and pull this thingybobby and that does it.

Ugh so close to alleviating my stress and that's the other thing that kills me. He spent half an hour overtime, trying to fix it. (For a so-called lightweight issue).

He was nearly half an hour late and for that price, should have been early or at least punctual. 

Lastly I wanted my bedroom tidied also but the time was late and it was a male cleaner. It just felt too awkward.

I won't be using the service again. I want better results and 100% satisfaction. I shouldn't be facing hassles on a routine assignment.

I'm trying to stay relaxed and pain-free, both emotionally and physically.

I do feel a lil better that my place is once again spotless. All that is left to do now is change my sheets and duvet, mop my bedroom floor and de-clutter a tiny bit more.

Oh and get a plumber and write customer services and tell them why I won't be using their overpriced company any longer!!

#BlogLife196 - Controlling the chaos

I'm trying not to be too self indulgent but it's getting tougher to stay strong and put on a brave face.

To stay motivated and carry on regardless. I miss being warm. I miss washing my hair and having hot showers.

I miss being comfortable and relaxed. On the upswing of things. I have been getting my winfalls curtesy of the Looney games.

Won 10k gems before and now just been informed I won some toon pieces. I'm opting for Coach Daffy as he is going to disappear soon.

I cheekily hinted if I could have 100 pieces of 2 toons and he agreed so I opted for the unlocked versions of Coach Daffy which I wouldn't have gotten and Corny Conductor Elmer.

I always unlock toons I don't have, at least you can play about with them, rank them, tune them but if you don't even have them unlocked, you're screwed.

The unwritten rule is you're not supposed to choose toons that are locked ha but seeing as I've always done it and got away with it. I'll just keep at it until they say no.

I'm hooked on a new show Crisis and it's unpredictable and gritty. One of those shows you shout at the screen..

I did not see that coming, he's the bad guy and he's the good one??? Really? Yowser.

The show is pretty much keeping me sane at this point. It stars Gillian Anderson, Mark Valley and others I don't recall the names.

It's about the powerful rich kids being kidnapped and the parents blackmailed into doing tasks for the kidnapper.

No spoilers but it's really good. I don't feel like taking any volunteer chats today as I feel like saying....

Hey you, cheer me up for a change!!

However I did support someone who volunteers and had a bad experience.

Sometimes it's enough to know that, others go through the same and we all get frustrated..

That person seems to feel better so that's good. I think I want to wallow a bit.

I should load up a tearjerker film fest :) I chased up the boiler repair and was told I have to ring another number which is closed so will try tomorrow..

#BlogLife195 - The misery conspiracy

I just feel like blah at the moment but only on the surface. The temporary fix that had my boiler producing heat and hot water has now stopped.

I am back to being a frozen bunny and it's just really hard to function. I don't have any issues getting up but once there I feel like what is the point?

I am super grateful for my life saving heated fake furry blankie, which is keeping me sane.

I can't shake this cough and hoarseness without proper heat and have caught a chill where I'm sniffling.

I've lost my appetite again but am munching to warm myself up. My hair is even shorter now, above my shoulders. 

I have to see what it looks like in curlers but I have no interest in doing that yet.

Maybe I should book a eyebrow wax and pedicure or even a facial beautician appointment but I don't feel in the mood to go traipsing about.

I don't even feel like retail therapy which is my normal pick-me-up method.

I wasn't even going to write anything today but I'm hoping by admitting all of this negativity I'll feel unburdened?!

I think I'm getting slightly better at picking my titles. I'm trying at least..

I am easing back into the volunteering not daily but a few times a week.

I feel calmer doing it but at the same time, just empty. I really don't think I'll be my true self until the boiler is fixed.

I fully intended to change the theme/template, whatever you want to call it but I think it's growing on me.

A cute night time appearance. I guess I'll see if I can find anything that I like better that doesn't need tweaking to display correctly.

Forgive me if my posts aren't daily. I'm really struggling to get my thoughts in order.

Take care :)

#AgonyLife12 - Dear SS I'm alone for the holidays, how do I survive it?

Firstly just go with how you're feeling at this moment. The holidays can be an emotional time for us all.

I'm just going to attempt to flip it around though.. Think of it like this maybe..?

*A Christmas/Holiday date with yourself*

*Nobody looking over your shoulder or starting fights*

*Complete control of the TV remote*

*Eating whatever and whenever you want*

*No painful small talk*

*Sublime uninterrupted snorey naps Zzz*

*Your choice of festive/non festive music*

*Gaming in peace for hours, guilt free :D*

*Reading your favourite blog/book/paper (hint hint)*

I could go on the but I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.

You can still find a way to be happy and get through this time of year. 

Crazy self therapy follow up

Welcome back.

Make yourself comfortable. Shall we continue from where we left off or start afresh? 

Sighs. I am not doing so good. Honestly, I promise I am trying to stay motivated and get my blog up and running but I keep getting stuck and I don't know what to do. This burden is suffocating me.

What have you tried so far? 

Ok I followed some tutorials about FeedBurner and did everything I could to re-establish it and I seemed to be making more progress than before. Only when it came to actually delivering the email update......There was none :(

How did that make you feel? 

I feel so guilty and useless for letting everyone down, including myself. I should know how to do this. I've been blogging for years but I don't.

What are you going to do now? 

I feel like giving up but I'm not going to. I signed up with *Nourish* but I just felt out of my depth. I have just asked them to terminate my account.

I've also signed up with *Follow It* but I am stuck at the part where I have to *claim my feed and add a meta tag to my website* 

After scouring the internet for clues. I think I'm supposed to click on Layout, Theme and Edit HTML. Then find Header.php and add it there. Only I don't see it with these weak eyes of mine, so I contacted support and am waiting for clearer directions.

Do you feel better about being proactive? 

No. I don't.

Why? 

I still have questions. What am I supposed to put in the *Post feed redirect URL*

Did I make the right choice choosing *Follow It* for my needs?

Why did they advertise as saying immediate updates when you publish a new post and then have a time to send out daily emails?

Why when I did a test and subscribed myself, then selected *Headlines only* have they gone ahead and been emailing me a few posts in their entirety?

What if their customer service sucks?

What if I was too hasty and *Nourish* was a superior selection? 

Should I just have found a simple alternative to Bloglovin?

Wow! To be honest I was expecting a shorter answer. You really are overthinking this. Take a breath. Have some patience. Let them get back to you and see what they say.

What can your intrigued readers do in the meantime to stay updated on your progress?

The one constant I have is *Twitter* @SleeplessScrib1. I post updates and mini rambles on there. I shall be updating Facebook periodically. Even if it is just a pseudonym. (https://www.facebook.com/shiza.sabra.3).

Anything else?

The stress is giving me backache.

Don't you feel better now that you have released all that tension?

Would you please stop fishing for compliments. It's creepy. I'll only truly feel better when it's all fixed and I can finally say "Subscribe. I promise it's for real this time."

You know what I think? I reckon the old you would have given up by now and just taken the hit but because you keeping getting stronger with each challenge that comes your way, you persist and try your best to find a resolution.

I'm not only pleased with your efforts. I'm proud of you. You're opening up more. Reaching out and tackling obstacles. 

I know this is all a constant struggle and that at times you want to runaway and hide from it and it's healthy to take a break and a breath but keep conquering your fears one by one.

I believe in you and you can achieve your dreams and get the recognition you deserve.

Damn, alright that did it. Pass me the blooming tissues.. *sniffles*