#BlogLife842 - Ugly Daffy syndrome

It's Sunday night, well Monday morning at 1.25am.

I was trying to switch off and not think about anything or anyone. 

But here I am. I saw GE and maybe he's used to women throwing themselves at him..

I'm just not the type to say Look at me, I'm all that. I'm irresistible..

Pfft. Purleaseee. He loses interest pretty fast when I don't flirt back.

Then there is T of whom I feel less and less drawn too.

I can't recall if ever there was a genuine spark but now I feel irritated around him.

Because talking is an effort. I'll write sentences and he'll write a few words.

It's as though he's bored but has falsely convinced himself I'm his type.

This time and the last time, he just seems really angry.

Maybe that is what is off about him, he has a short fuse.

I need consistency and he's wishy-washy.

One minute he's texting, the next nothing. 

It's been maybe 3 months and I haven't missed him.

I told him we were like revolving strangers.

Because I straight up admitted I blocked him and he didn't believe me.

Sometimes I really don't think much of myself. 

I'm not sure if any guy would be attracted to me.

At the moment I feel like a blob that no-one wants.

However I don't feel like being used either, for someone's ego boost.

I think that's what his deal is, every so often he'll contact me out of the blue and try to get me to meet him.

I don't really think he's into me as such. I think he wants attention. 

I think he wants me to fuss over him but I don't feel that way.

There could have been a friendship but he's all over the place.

I don't trust anyone that can't be consistent with me.

Here one minute,  gone the next? Ha, how do you open up, rely on them, confide??

You don't! You can't because they've disappeared in the next breath, just as you got comfy around them.

He did the same thing, when I mentioned celibacy again, he lost interest in the conversation. 

Offline men see my face and my body and that's not good enough.

Online they can only witness my personality and that's not good enough either.

I'm not interested in just settling for any guy. I'm not going to be nice and pander to his ego.

I want to be seen completely, all traits and quirks found appealing. 

I feel like both in my past and presently men pick and choose certain characteristics but they don't want 100% me.

They want 15%. It's not good enough. He has to want the 100% package.

I almost feel like I'm targeted because I don't value myself so men think I'm easy to manipulate and take advantage off. 

Except that nowadays,  there is that constant voice telling me I deserve better than lil sprinkled crumbs of fake affection and sentimentality. 

And I do. We all deserve to be genuinely cared for.

For someone to look at you, see who you really and cherish you.

Not for someone to pick you up, mumble a compliment and expect instant devotion without effort into getting to know you.

And finding out your values and what's important.

All I ask is that the next guys, cut the crap, cut the games and just be honest.

And say, they're not really into me but I'm a cute diversion from life, stress, work or family.

Meanwhile I have to look deep within and on the surface and try to like what I see. 

But to be honest, just as I know I deserve better..

I still can't shake that other voice that haunts me..

The one that breathes and says.. There's nothing about you that will ever be lovable.

All I can do is try to be healthy inside and out.

Try to be a decent person and inspire others to fulfil their potential. 

I don't know if I can fix what's broken internally. 

There is a lot of damage and if life has taught me anything..

It's to be careful around others and keep my guard up sky high!

At least I got my refund for the Glow wash, paypal did the buyer protection thing and covered me.

The company was ignoring me so I got my money back. I am stuffed, just had the cheesy eggy croissants, plus a hot cross bun delicious but fulling.

Although I still fancy chocolates and a crisp. I tried the Kinder mini chocolate and hazelnut eggs £1.50 for a 75g bag, there was a good few inside.

Highly recommended it's delicious and creamy and lots of blended nuts, for a treat it's yummy.

I don't know what is going on with Twitter it won't load so I can't publish today's post.

Ahh just as I wrapped up everything, Twitter is back so I can publish finally woop.

Oh and I trimmed my hair at long last, it was getting a bit wild, now it's presentable, although I got scissor happy with the front wisps.

A bit too short, I'll have to press them down or extra douse them with leave in conditioner, it grows pretty fast now, so I'm not bothered.