#BlogLife927 - Do I want to feel good about myself or do I want a parent in my life?

I feel like I'm making myself sick with this stress. My throat isn't even sore, but it's dry and hoarse, I sound like a man ugh..

I'm still not ready to talk to Mama but I should text her and say I'm ok, I just don't know the correct words to use to explain my absence...

I am also avoiding being confronted as to Why........? I've always censored myself around her, never felt free to say..

The way you treat me sometimes is unacceptable. I can't talk to someone that is unreceptive.

It just feels so wrong to put my needs ahead of hers and stick up for myself.

Parents are supposed to be held in high esteem, aren't they? I should text her while she's at Church, that way she can't respond.

I'm selfish I know that. I should just carry on letting her treat me badly.

But I just can't do it anymore. Texting I'm taking a break is circling in my mind but the Why question is too...

Ok that is done as my voice is cracking. I just said I'm fine, I just need a break from you for a while and I'll be in touch.

After a while she said ok.

I knew she wouldn't have the courage to ask why and I'm not sure I would have told her.

That was pretty funny, I looked over the Iceland order half was missing then two seconds later I'm re-buzzed and I know it's the regular guy apologising.

We just laughed as I said I just realised also that stuff was missing, aka the bread to make toasties and the fillings, plus snacks.

I don't feel supported but that's nothing new, I do however feel creative which is strange I guess.

My throat is burning, it hurts to swallow and I feel stuffy plus sicky.

I thought I was going to throw up again but I didn't.

I got banned from another chatroom with no explanation ha. There are alternatives so I'll join one of them, so silly.

The more I'm pressurising myself to be ok and healthy is the worse I feel.

I hate that I'm on a deadline and I hate that I have to see the twit advisor on Thursdays with the buses not running properly.

I did make a to-do list maybe I'll copy the posts/story from 7 Cups to hear as one big post.

I feel like I was going to say something else but I can't think, maybe I already said it?

I don't know how much I'll be posting while I'm recovering. I could have spaced these out but I had to publish, I don't know why..

To clear my brain maybe..

#BlogLife893 - Sneaky brainwave

A very pleasing thought appeared in my head, UC says the course is online, I say it's offline, I should just apply.

Crap unless I'm going mad again, it did say online. I have a feeling there were 2, and one was offline and maybe this is online.

Actually this seems self paced and didn't mention webcams. I'm not doing the coding, sod that, I did see a customer service one, will apply for that instead.

That should keep the idiot happy, sorry not a fan of name calling but he really is, getting on my nerves.

Ooh that was strange, I just got a call/message from the landlord and I thought hmm, they finally texted to say they wanted me to call back regarding updating records.

I screen my calls because of randoms/scammers so I won't pick up, unless I am expecting a call.

I actually thought it was to do with the surveyor visit, but phew nope.

She asked me peculiar questions, I was half expecting her to ask my sexual orientation (straight) or ethnicity (censored)....  ha.

But maybe they aren't legally allowed to ask certain things? Who knows or cares?!

What was my religion? None, she asked if I was an atheist? Nope, just not religious.

Whether I had disabilities? Yes, she surprisingly didn't press me on what those were.

What languages I spoke? Just English and I think that was it. I never admit that I studied multiple languages because they blend into each other.

I'm terrible with confusing languages. I studied, German, Spanish, Italian, that was it, most were for maybe a year or under.

But German was I think 5 years, to start we had the greatest teacher but she left, and my enthusiasm for it depleted.

At first it was exotic and exciting. Ooh how cultural am I? Knowing another language, speaking it was a lil easier, when it came to writing, I got muddled.

My accent is probably poor but certain phrases like the greetings stuck in my head, hello, goodbye, hobbies, that's interesting, stuff like that and also the numbers.

There didn't seem to be an option during the landlord's questions to say, Mind your business or why are you asking or can I refuse to answer??!!

Again not a fan of personal questions or trying to be pigeon-holed into a neat lil bow.

But it was quick, as she promised.

I really do think that growing up as I did, being told daily that I was a dummy affected my learning and confidence in my abilities to my detriment.

I think I just assumed Why bother? You're too stupid to grasp it, studying is pointless.

So I didn't make the effort as I should have done. My self esteem continued plummeting.

And even now I worry I just won't understand it and I'm going to look foolish and everyone will laugh at my expense.

I shouldn't think like that but I do. Words are hard to shake off, especially when you've spent your entire life hearing them.

People are disappointed easily or expect you to be perfect or different to who you innately are, that's a lot to live up too, even if I did care, which I do not anymore.

I'm not sure why I was the poster child for everything wrong, but again I attribute it to being quiet so an easy target, full of misconceptions, Oh she's not talking because she's brainless.

No the reason I'm not talking is because I'm listening to you talk crap about me, to my face and I'm waiting for the day I can ditch you without an explanation.

Anyway now that I have a plan on what to do next, I feel better. Ooh that was quick, I got an update, the course says I'm not eligible, not the right area woop woop.

I can now tell him that and in my head say, Take that information and shove it!! :)

#BlogLife842 - Ugly Daffy syndrome

It's Sunday night, well Monday morning at 1.25am.

I was trying to switch off and not think about anything or anyone. 

But here I am. I saw GE and maybe he's used to women throwing themselves at him..

I'm just not the type to say Look at me, I'm all that. I'm irresistible..

Pfft. Purleaseee. He loses interest pretty fast when I don't flirt back.

Then there is T of whom I feel less and less drawn too.

I can't recall if ever there was a genuine spark but now I feel irritated around him.

Because talking is an effort. I'll write sentences and he'll write a few words.

It's as though he's bored but has falsely convinced himself I'm his type.

This time and the last time, he just seems really angry.

Maybe that is what is off about him, he has a short fuse.

I need consistency and he's wishy-washy.

One minute he's texting, the next nothing. 

It's been maybe 3 months and I haven't missed him.

I told him we were like revolving strangers.

Because I straight up admitted I blocked him and he didn't believe me.

Sometimes I really don't think much of myself. 

I'm not sure if any guy would be attracted to me.

At the moment I feel like a blob that no-one wants.

However I don't feel like being used either, for someone's ego boost.

I think that's what his deal is, every so often he'll contact me out of the blue and try to get me to meet him.

I don't really think he's into me as such. I think he wants attention. 

I think he wants me to fuss over him but I don't feel that way.

There could have been a friendship but he's all over the place.

I don't trust anyone that can't be consistent with me.

Here one minute,  gone the next? Ha, how do you open up, rely on them, confide??

You don't! You can't because they've disappeared in the next breath, just as you got comfy around them.

He did the same thing, when I mentioned celibacy again, he lost interest in the conversation. 

Offline men see my face and my body and that's not good enough.

Online they can only witness my personality and that's not good enough either.

I'm not interested in just settling for any guy. I'm not going to be nice and pander to his ego.

I want to be seen completely, all traits and quirks found appealing. 

I feel like both in my past and presently men pick and choose certain characteristics but they don't want 100% me.

They want 15%. It's not good enough. He has to want the 100% package.

I almost feel like I'm targeted because I don't value myself so men think I'm easy to manipulate and take advantage off. 

Except that nowadays,  there is that constant voice telling me I deserve better than lil sprinkled crumbs of fake affection and sentimentality. 

And I do. We all deserve to be genuinely cared for.

For someone to look at you, see who you really and cherish you.

Not for someone to pick you up, mumble a compliment and expect instant devotion without effort into getting to know you.

And finding out your values and what's important.

All I ask is that the next guys, cut the crap, cut the games and just be honest.

And say, they're not really into me but I'm a cute diversion from life, stress, work or family.

Meanwhile I have to look deep within and on the surface and try to like what I see. 

But to be honest, just as I know I deserve better..

I still can't shake that other voice that haunts me..

The one that breathes and says.. There's nothing about you that will ever be lovable.

All I can do is try to be healthy inside and out.

Try to be a decent person and inspire others to fulfil their potential. 

I don't know if I can fix what's broken internally. 

There is a lot of damage and if life has taught me anything..

It's to be careful around others and keep my guard up sky high!

At least I got my refund for the Glow wash, paypal did the buyer protection thing and covered me.

The company was ignoring me so I got my money back. I am stuffed, just had the cheesy eggy croissants, plus a hot cross bun delicious but fulling.

Although I still fancy chocolates and a crisp. I tried the Kinder mini chocolate and hazelnut eggs £1.50 for a 75g bag, there was a good few inside.

Highly recommended it's delicious and creamy and lots of blended nuts, for a treat it's yummy.

I don't know what is going on with Twitter it won't load so I can't publish today's post.

Ahh just as I wrapped up everything, Twitter is back so I can publish finally woop.

Oh and I trimmed my hair at long last, it was getting a bit wild, now it's presentable, although I got scissor happy with the front wisps.

A bit too short, I'll have to press them down or extra douse them with leave in conditioner, it grows pretty fast now, so I'm not bothered.

#BlogLife777 - I never feel I measure up enough..

It's 11.46pm at night, I'm not ready to sleep yet. I had a fun chat with L earlier.T apologised for his late reply, ha, honestly I think he expects that I won't tolerate being ignored..

But I don't care if he's late, I care if he's a week or 2 weeks past due.

Although at the moment my mind is weighed down with what's currently going on.

But at the same time I feel hormonally yucky about myself. 

Like I'm just the most unattractive dull person out in the entire world.

T is trying to be flirty but not sleazy and I'm pushing him away saying..

You'd suit someone well rounded and confident..I also said I like the idea of romance and dating but not the reality so I wanna have a sex-free marriage/relationship/involvement lol.

So he replied Relax and that maybe I would learn to be comfy around him.

I personally don't think I'll ever be myself or feel safe around a man ever.

The only times that would change is within fiction or my dreams and I would still find a way to sabotage any potential happiness. 

I would question Why he chose me? What he sees in me?

And more importantly What the hell he expects from me??

At this moment in time, I feel ugly and inadequate. I know also that, the above answers to the questions wouldn't satisfy me.

I always get these complimentary onion crisps with the wings that I normally discard but I thought I would pair it with the chicken burger, nice but strong.

I really should have bought a sauce, even if I wasted it, very dry.

i would eventually ask them all again, scrutinising the responses to compare them to the previous ones.

This mood is somewhat pmt and mostly just truth about how I really see myself, aside from the rare sparkles of self esteem that seep in sporadically..

Well it's 5.23pm on a Saturday night, the sun has gone down, it's been a nice day actually.

I took out the bins and even though I haven't seen or heard the Postie, I thought let me check if there is mail.

There was, on the 30th they are doing smoke alarm checks, which is weird, I didn't think they bothered, but maybe it's a legal requirement thingy for landlords.

Anyway, it arrived, the bulk of the Bank statements and I was surprised, it's really small.

I'm not a wild spender anyway, more a conservative and I thought what is the best way to put them altogether.

Both wouldn't fit into the thin small stupid single envelope she sent me.

She knew they wouldn't all fit, more game-playing. I thought maybe I'll do several envelopes together and add a note, it was all from me.

But the simplest solution was to use the huge padded envelope I bought, put everything including the letter she sent and just add the address, take it to the Post Office next week and then have it weighed and pay for the stamps.

I sellotaped it good but what was funny, was writing the address pierced it, argh, only a tiny bit, but I switched pens and finished it off.

So that all is collected and done. I've done everything she asked and now I know for sure, she will get her damning evidence way before the 1st November deadline.

A week and a half I had left. I'm hoping I get my Universal Credit appointment next week and it will all line up.

I want to pay my bills before they start adding on interest. I just don't know how long they will reduce the payments and to what amount?

What will the verdict be? She'll probably laugh when I said I spent nearly £50 on printouts. Ugh!

I wonder how much the first class stamps will be? £5? Last bit to add, now I know why I'm still craving chocolate and feeling off.

Last night I started my period. Ughhh! I literally just finished a 4 week monthly and now on again.

I really hoped I would skip this month. No such luck! I don't know why the wifi is still acting weird.

It keeps going weak and disconnecting, normally it's pretty good and only acts up in stormy weather.

#BlogLife326 - Dear moi - A love/hate letter

I knew I was feeling okay, not sad or lonely or lost. I didn't think of you any longer, only pondered on how easy it was to open up to you and have freeing conversations.

I don't miss you but I feel that loss. I believe I will eventually find that again but maybe it won't feel the same?

I feel tired without the daytime naps, sleep just isn't coming unfortunately, it definitely impedes the creative flow.

There are old and new stories left to write but I'm not sure how to get rid of this block or is it more of a lock?

I've stepped back and maybe I'm reassessing myself once more.

Do I feel like I have the freedom to be me and not feel judged? No!

I know my schedule has gotten fuller and that thankfully is stopping me visiting family.

I'm sorry but I'm exhausted with being made to feel I am always wrong and incapable of accomplishing anything in your eyes.

Do you want me to be unhappy? Would that make your day?

Part of me wants a relationship with you and it's there but it's hollow and fakish.

The other part is hugging myself and whispering don't worry I'll protect you, you'll be mentally/physically safe.

It won't be the same, like how it was when you were younger, isolated and frozen with alarm bells going off.

I'm not even initiating calls anymore because you know what you do??

Ignore them or as soon as someone else calls, say omg, I have to go and take that, really good parenting for your daughters self esteem.

No wonder I can never relax and always feel like a burden for existing!

Great job!! Damn this sucky heatwave is back and so is my nausea.

I'm trying to sip a drink and hope that my stomach stops lurching, normally eating cures it but not this time.

I'm dealing with some more stress, a situation which I thought I had dealt with has come back up and all the ways they told me how to resolve it, don't work.

I've tried my best and been cooperative with the details but they are so vague.

I've done what I could and hopefully that will suffice, if not I'll have to ring them and ask what the hell they want from me??

Sometimes I've read something I've written and it doesn't even seem like I'm the author as I like it so much and it seems polished.

How could I have composed that? I'm not that good of a writer. Half the brighter summer wardrobe is here.

The bras arrived yesterday and look really cute. The tops I'll probably see if I can re-schedule for Wednesday as Hermes 2 day delivery, seems to be 3. Ugh!

I'm sorry if you hate the new themes, I'm experimenting and wanting something cheery.

I'll keep working on it but I have a lot on my plate, at the moment.

#BlogLife144 - Compliment me

Do you fish for compliments? Are you being purposely negative and self deprecating to get a boost from someone.. Anyone?

You do realise that whatever they say will soon be meaningless to you right? 

Following the seconds after they utter it. You'll think awww so sweet but then you'll find a way to dismiss it entirely. 

Hmm they were just being kind for the sake of it. I helped them so they just popped out easy platitudes.

Why cant I take them at their word huh brain? Maybe they actually mean what they say? Quit overthinking it.

No you're right brain, I apologise. You weren't mistaken, they were just saying nice words out of obligation.

Big sigh :(

You want to know why you can't tolerate their words? It's because you need to believe in yourself first and foremost before any outside voices can make a meaningful impact. 

Let's start afresh from today, shall we? You and I will do this together.

I can't do this. I don't have it in me. I tried for a bit but it's too complicated and there is so much of it to process. I give up. I quit!

Take a deep breath. In..... Hold for a few seconds and then exhale. Again, a few more times. Alright so you have this big project and it's too much to handle?

There's no need to panic. You can easily get organised and break into down into sections and keep dissecting it until it becomes manageable.

If you keep at it, you'll see how well you are progressing and before you know it, you'll be halfway through and just supremely proud of yourself.

Fine fine fine. I'm starting to see your point but what about this one. I hate my figure. I just feel so aware of myself. Other girls are so slender and have so much going for them. 

Why can't I be skinny and be just as good as them? You tell me why??

Hmm. You're telling me there is nothing you like about your appearance?

That's right zilch. I mean....... Well I guess I do appreciate my hair, it's long and versatile and everyone just tells me how much they love my different hairstyles.

Actually umm.. I like my arms too, they are toned and I work hard on keeping them looking great.

I see so it turns out, there are some likeable characteristics after all. Good job on reminding yourself. Focus on these wonderfully positive attributes.

Treat yourself to hair accessories or new hair products to keep you feeling good. To showcase your arms, some short sleeved or sleeveless tops would work wonderfully well.

Lastly come on. Think about it rationally for a second. You truly believe someone's life is perfect because they are slim??

They have problems and insecurities just like you do. We all struggle. They may have just become experts at concealing theirs.

You are just as great as anyone else. The only thing that separates you from them......Is confidence. They have it and you don't.

However you can build that up over time, by moving forwards and achieving goal after goal. Put your all into it and work hard.

That is how you'll start to believe in yourself and feel oh so gooood :)

The cheating scent

I was a naive teenager at the time and he was an older man. (Guys my age didn't look twice at me).

We weren't exactly dating or friends but newly acquainted. My looks had come in, shape was beginning to form evenly but I still didn't think much of myself. 

I settled and thought that we were on our way to something meaningful until he called up one day.

"How are you doing?" He asked I replied I'm beautiful not because I felt it. 

I was just sick of being down on myself, others noticing and exploiting it and actually I was in a good mood that day. 

"Do me a favour, next time you come around wash that perfume off first or better yet, don't wear it. 

I got into so much trouble with my girlfriend!

The word just seemed to ring in my ears momentarily. The way he had said it so casually. 

I quickly composed myself (because they all seem to want to provoke me for a reaction, as if they're God's gift to womankind). Pfft. 

Equally lightly replying that actually I couldn't swing by after all. After that I just made an excuse and hung up. 

He called a few times after that but I dismissed them. At least he wasn't as bad as the verbal assaulter. 

You know those guys that ask or find out your precious vulnerabilities, promise to cherish you and then in the same breath tell you they're embarrassed to be seen with you. 

Or that you're unattractive and don't have a good figure. Then as much as you don't want to believe his cruel devastating words. 

A voice in your head pops up and says "What if he's right? What if the worst characteristics that I think about myself are true?" 

I partially argued back but my heart wasn't in it. I was already letting his words wash over me. 

His voice suddenly softened and without apologising or recounting his insidious taunts he said "Come on over. 

We'll kiss and makeup and more if you're lucky."

As damaged and as lost I felt. I knew deep down I was an OK person. 

I always adamantly refused to see him after those fights but I'll never forget our last conversation. 

"You know what? I have something to tell you that will really hurt you." Nonplussed I replied for him to continue. 

"It's your fault. You refused to come over so I invited my ex and she spent the night."

In the softest sweetest voice possible, I said "Good." He was so taken aback and confused. 

I followed up with. "I'm so happy for you both and it's great news."

He was reeling from shock and could only splutter out "But But But. What about you? What about us?" 

I smiled barely containing my mirth and stated. "I'm going to be just fine. There is no us. Goodbye." 

Unfortunately this is all too true but one thing I knew for sure? He was lying. 

He was alone but he wanted to stick the knife in and twist it. Sadly for him, I realised my self worth. 

Six months later he called to say "You know, if we had carried on dating. 

I would have proposed and made you my wife." I physically shuddered at the thought, cut him off and blocked his number. 

I finally figured out because he didn't like himself and knew I was out of his league. 

He just had to break my spirit and then I would be easy to manipulate. 

Moral of the story? If you're spiteful enough to burn someone, better check who is holding the matches first!