#LetterLife3 - Dear SS

Dear SS,

Just checking in as you seem quiet. I'm disappointed there wasn't a post on Thursday or Friday..

Dear Nosey,

I did intend to post but when it came to it, words failed me. I just couldn't muster anything so it remained half empty.

To be honest I don't appreciate the nagging guilt trip. I feel bad enough for being flaky and inconsistent. 

Dear SS,

Sorry that wasn't my intention, I was just curious is all.

Dear Nosey,

Sorry too. I didn't mean to be snappy. I just have stuff in the back of my mind that refuses to speak up.

Until now. I got stood up tonight for a chat date but that's not my concern.

Usually he'll mention something came up but tonight nothing..

I don't have proof but I suspect he's fabricating his single status and that's why he disappears a lot.

Although he does let me know first, he did offer me his number, that I called on witheld, ha I'm so sneaky.

Anyway that's a low priority. Tonight (Saturday), I saw that I had a missed call from Mama.

I don't even know if she's back. Ugh I'm kinda annoyed at that.

I can't call or text, that's gonna spike up her bill again.

She could have texted or emailed. She didn't reply to mine.

Emails are free, to say Oh I'm back or due to return blah blah..

I could have sworn she said she's returning in April and that she's missing Mama's Day, which is tomorrow. 

If I knew her status I could have sent a gift or food or something but I'm left to guess.

The lowest priority possible because I'm sure she's letting everyone else know her whereabouts.

Alright that felt good to let that out and stop repressing it.

I felt guilty for being mad at her, as though I don't have the right to feel the way I do but our dynamic remains difficult and askew.

Next I just feel like one of these days I'm going to be homeless.

I'll do or say the wrong thing and the landlord representative will boot me for being problematic.

What's next? One of these days, what if I am injured beyond repair?

What if the next time I fall.. I can't brace myself and get up again?

Or I sprain something and it doesn't heal and I lose the ability to take care of myself and function?

What do I do? I can't exactly talk my way into making it better.

Next up.. Because even though I can't hear these thoughts, when I write like this, the padlock springs open and the thoughts are clear as day!

Why do I make such a fuss over finishing the stories?

I guess I've never really felt heard and understood and storytelling needs that captivated audience.

I don't feel I have that, but in order to get that I need to complete more and more.

It's a catch 22 situation. Also what the hell do I know?

I've no knowledge of love and stability and healthy relationships or friendships.

I don't know if my fiction is realistic enough to pass as entertainment. 

I'm constantly pretending I know what I'm doing. I don't have a clue.

Why do people read my blog or stories? I have no earthly idea.

I keep waiting to improve my words. To be better at explaining things or to  compose something flawlessly.

I know it doesn't work like that. I can't just blink and be amazing, I have to keep trying.

I guess tonight I thought.. What's the point in it? If I just have this feeling, I'm not genuine.

I'll never be great at anything. I'm just lacking those skills.

It's 2.38am. I wanted to feel sleepy by now but my brain said..

Hey You, I'm finally ready to talk.. So I loaded up blogger and thought, what should this be?

Crazy Self Therapy? A regular post? Fiction? But then I realised, letters draw out the vulnerability the most.

And as nothing was clear, as soon as I decided, it poured out. All of it.

I can finally sleep. I hope..