#BlogLife1006 - Good manners, bad manners, table manners...

Afternoony, how's your week been? Mine's mixed, still nothing from the boiler maintenance people so it must have been an error text.

This weekend if I'm up to it, I'll do some light mopping and get around to wiping down the bathtub.

The cramps are still off and on as is the bloating, so I feel a bit yucky.

I had a lot of hand pain and feet pain so I have to make sure I don't do too much or I'll end up with another injury, that are so common to me.

I was hoping to sleep in today but they were drilling outside, I'm not sure what that was about, but very noisy..

I have a feeling Yahoo crashed because I couldn't access it for a while, some error code came up and it seems a common issue but I've never seen it before, refreshing didn't help and then eventually boom, loading normally.

Weird!! There's nothing really on my mind, I mean nothing new really, I was just thinking about dinner table rules that happened when we visited various relatives.

No elbows on the table, no licking the knife, I think some said no drinking while you eat your meal, just before or after, but my throat closes up during munching so that was a difficult one to follow.

And I remember the disapproving stares and the tutting of which I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

At those points, eating at home was a tad more relaxing but I think in a way that added to my complex of consuming in front of others.

That, critical all eyes on me, shrank my appetite to the point where it disappeared completely.

Plus everyone having their opinions on my figure, whether positive or negative, focus on my bloody personality, not my appearance!!

None of it helped really, thankfully I'm in a better place, physically and mentally.

But back then it was really hard to say Mind your own business!

I must have done a lot of secret chomping, snacking in my room and creeping down the stairs to grab some nibbles.

I wasn't very healthy and I couldn't hear that voice, that said Coooee I'm full..

Now it's loud and clear Knock knock I'm hungry or All done, no more food, we are at full capacity.

#BlogLife1005 - What am I doing?

I've walked into the kitchen a bazillion times intending to check if I have another contact lens cleaner in the cupboards or when this one finishes, I'll be out, but I never remember to check.

I'm so glad Yodel came early with a time frame, just before 12pm and my duvet came, I will change everything, maybe at the weekend.

I need to mop again already ugh. Why don't things stay clean? I'm such a loon, I woke up and realised I didn't put away my lens case..

Luckily I didn't toss and turn to much or it would have gone flying off the bed and I might not have found my brand new pair of lenses.

I swear I put them away but obviously I didn't luckily they were sitting on the edge of the bed.

I have to eat soon and will probably make a wrap. There is a Greek style bread wrap that I bought which is lovely, I just don't know what to put in it.

I think I'll do one chicken steak and one beef and break them in half.

Yep did it again, went to cook it and forgot to check my inventory and I should have gotten a bottle of water from the fridge.

I don't buy water, I just use the tap because when you're budgeting, it seems like drinks are a luxury.

I don't do that thing of trying to full up on water and having a big chunk of it before meals.

I think I have 3 or 4 bottles a day ranging from 500ml to 850ml and if you have a bottle instead of a glass you can sip it and drink more, until you need to swap or refill it.

By the time you get snacks and mains and then household things like bleach, that's the limit for the week.

Instead of the plain chicken, I got the hot and spicy, it's not really peppery though, just tame, which is perfect for me.

I wonder if I'll skip this month's monthly aswell as December... That would be cool. I do feel bloated though.

Ahh finally remembered and walked back into the kitchen, yep I do have a spare cleaner so I don't need to buy another one for quite a while, they last months, because you only need a lil bit, mind you sometimes it pours out fast.

I'm enjoy the Meeray almonds I bought to snack on, they taste cooked not raw and not salty at all.

I don't remember the price, the pack says £2.50 but they charge anything, and it has lasted me a while..

Ooof the randoms are crazier than ever. I can't recall exactly what I said, but I ended it with dear...

He replied Oh you've used that word it means you're 99% non British.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life, well lately, so I blocked and moved on.

He changed his name, logged back on and sent this paragraph of curses and insults...

Wow, you have got to laugh. I always think after that... No wonder you can't find anyone to talk too, your personality sucketh........!

I never understand that logic of being rejected and instead of shrugging and accepting, go on a rampage, it makes you look so foolish.

Just see it as no big deal, we all get passed on, it's not unique. Just say Ok, Nexttttt.

#BlogLife1004 - Due, overdue or not due?

It's a shame that home goods store closed, it was there for years, selling towels, duvets and alsorts of knick knacks were available and it's replaced by another snack store of which there are dozens in the market, all competing against each other.

It could have been a bakery or a sandwich shop. Anyway as I can't get my cheap bedlinen from there, I went back to Ebay and saw a few from £5.

I got the charcoal pillowcases and cover for £6 brand new with tags and that should arrive next week, good bargain.

I don't always see them on offer. The one that was cheaper was a replica blue of one I already had.

If I didn't see any deals, I would have gotten it again. I slept fairly well, I don't think my right eye is completely healed, but each day gets more bearable.

I've just unpacked the shopping and the only thing I was craving was hotdogs, but my version, croissants instead of buns aka hottissants I named it ha.

I got some hummus and egg mayo to add some flavour to it, I had to sacrifice the olives and I still haven't seen those stuffed peppers..

You would think if an item is popular they would restock it..

Normally I end up eating the croissants before the meat is ready but not this time.

I decided to mix the vegan and chicken sausage together, just for kicks and to make it more filling.

I've never done that before, should be interesting. I also saw some Pista Pik peanut and pistachio biccys for 49p.

It's 118g box so not bad if it tastes good. I wanted the snacks to stretch out for the week.

I tried it, it's a fair size and a lot in the packet, it's ok but these type of nutty biscuits are a bit dry so it's alright but boring.

My favourite one which I never see was the Maryland's hazelnut cookies, that was hearty and tasty, very thick, small but it was enjoyable, now I see the chocolate chip one only.

I wanted the burger sauce but it's cheaper to get the hummus and at least I know I'll use all of that up and won't waste it.

Plus overall it's actually healthier. Strange, the frankfurters overcooked and the vegan Richmond undercooked, so leaving it for another 5 minutes, 25 altogether.

The vegan sausages will be for dinner, the chicken frankfurters went really well with the hummus and egg mayo, who knew?!

I suspected it would make a delicious combination and it did but now I am so full.

I wonder if anyone tried my unusual food mixtures..?

I got around to making the calls I wanted, well I couldn't get through to the heating people to ask if the repair text was a mistake or not.

But the landlord said Don't worry about the stock condition survey even we can't get through to make an appointment, but when we do you'll get a text/email and call about it, which is fine.

I don't want to miss it and I don't want it to clash with a UC appointment, that's my only fear.

I hate waiting around for a meeting knowing my phone could buzz at anytime with you're next or the door could buzz with them not informing me, they are on their way.

But I've done what I could and I'll wait to feel hungry or eat at lunchtime.

#BloogLife1003 - Vision problems

I am really struggling to see today, I can barely open my eyes because of the pain.

I'm not sure I can post this today. The cleaner didn't properly rinse off my lens so the right eye has been burning all morning and still hurting an hourish later.

I finally removed it but I can still barely open it and it won't stop watering, I'm hoping the binaural beats help, the drops did nothing.

I wrote that yesterday and then the pain took over, looking at my phone and the laptop was impossible with all the sensitivity and blurriness.

Nothing was soothing, not even the gel pack so I had an early night and did sleep fairly well.

It still hurts but less intensely. I'm still finding it difficult to look at the screen but I'm persevering through it.

Today I got soaked going to to UC meeting. Ugh he irritated the hell out of me as he was upstairs and then was surprised when I didn't meet him up there.....

Hello you've known me for ages and know I have health issues, what suddenly you've forgotten I'm ill? Ass!

So I had intended to pop in and get a new duvet and some food from the cafe but the bedding place closed up, the stalls were gone because of the rain and I felt tired.

So ordered a cheeseburger, chips, apple pie and some chicken, and that was just over £17 not too bad, plus a stampcard restaurant so eventually a discount.

All I ended up eating was some chips, a piece of chicken and the apple pie and then I felt sicky, normally I would eat later but as it was my first meal, this will sustain me and I'm sipping water.

I was just thinking yesterday that it's rough, constant stress and then the things I do to relax like watch foodie videos, or comedies or game, I couldn't do because my eyes were stinging.

I think I'll have an early night again today also, my nose won't running but I don't know if I have the sniffles again or it's from my eyes watering all day.

I also popped in to the international store for a quick lookie, the box said the tissues were 4x £2ish the til said the box is £9 lol.

But they sold me one individually for £2ish. I don't have any spare boxes at home and although I have a coupon, I can't think of any household stuff I really need.

I'm so glad I did the UC stuff before I left. I was supposed to take out the bins as well but I forgot, those can wait until the weekend when I have energy.

Mama wants to meet soon but not until the rain stops and boiler has been repaired

#BlogLifee1002 - I am so confused..

I am thoroughly perplexed. Yesterday I had the gas appointment thingy but it wasn't as it appeared.

I'm sure the letter referred to another company conducting it and it was detailed as a boiler installation standards thingy.

But today he arrived just before 1pm which was nice timing, I was starting to get hungry and I can't eat before they get here, too messy a thought.

Anyway the text said You're next and it was from the official maintenance boiler people Robert Heath.

As a safety precaution at the door I have to ask who they are so I don't let in a fraudster, a lot of the maintenance people do not carry ID, so it's quite scary.

Anyway he said he's from Robert Heath so I just asked him Oh is this the regular yearly checkup?

And he said Yes. Weird! Maybe they muddled the letter and have inspected enough boilers and this is just the regular one..

I have no idea, he seemed friendly enough, I hate when they are rude.

Yesterday I didn't eat much, today I fancy the ravioli again, so just plain cheese and tomato and then I don't know if I'll eat later or not.

My body is quite sore so no more cleaning or doing much until the pain passes.

Strange he was asking about the fire alarms and I was telling him I didn't realise it was attached to the switches and he said, there is both a battery and it's electrical too.

I remember when the maintenance worked stopped it beeping because it was driving him nuts ha.

The handymen were charging £50 and there's no-one else to ask, luckily it got resolved.

Last few things, I don't know why all this weirdness is happening to me.

I got a text from the gas people to say your repair is due soon before next Tuesday..

What on earth, the engineer didn't mention there was a fault and they always do that.

I should call and double check it's not a mistake, why wouldn't he tell me?

Is it because I'm a woman and it's over my head? These workers appear patronising at times. Hmm..

Also I tried to call the Landlord to say I've been trying to make an appointment with the Surveyor/stock condition people but haven't been successful so it's not my fault, blame them and stop sending me threatening letters!!

There was no dial tone and it seemed like it connected but the pre-recording/operator type voice didn't come on.

I tried several times and nothing, so that is peculiar too. I was hoping for no more appointments this week..

#BlogLife1001 - Samsung eccentricities

I'm having the oddest thing happen on the Samsung, everytime I access Playstore to see if there are updates for the apps or games, the whole Playstore freezes and it won't let me do anything.

I can close it and reopen and still doesn't work but in the morning it's accessible again, I don't get that at all.

Why doesn't it like night time?

I feel a bit empty so there's nothing much on my mind, I have a feeling this will go out on Monday instead of Thursday.

I finally remembered I have the Crown Farm beef burgers to try out, I prised them apart with a knife as they were stuck together.

So I wonder if I will like them, are they going to be a lil spicy? Well seasoned or bland?

I feel like lots of carbs for next week so I'm getting hot cross buns, teacakes and muffins.

There is a whole load of Easter stock in, so the cupcakes are back as well as Easter eggs and I don't get those, too chocolatey.

Hmm well the burger came out peculiar, I think they mixed onions with it so it has a crunch and tastes both bland and slightly peppery.

I don't think I would get it again, good value but subpar taste, I'd rather Iceland's own make, they have a better flavour, beefier.

They shrank a lot as well itty bitty patties.

Although it was good reminiscing yesterday about the first story, it didn't inspire me to finish the rest of them so once again they'll have to wait.

I finally remembered to pluck my brows, they weren't in a really bad state so just a bit of maintenance needed.

I've not seen or heard a Postie this year at all, unless they've arrived when I've been in the kitchen.

Spoke too soon, when the Iceland guy came, I saw the post I've been waiting for and cleared out my postbox.

2x letters for me and a ton for the neighbours good grief, hopeless Postie.

I'm shattered but I'm going to run the bath and do a deep conditioning hair oil treatment, just let me catch my breath and rest for a moment.

That was relaxing, my hair is all soft and moisturised and I've done most of the cleaning now.

I just need to clean the bath and that's it, the kitchen and bathroom floors are mopped, the rest are clean.

I am drained but I feel more resilient so one appointment from the Landlord is coming tomorrow anytime from 8-6pm..

I think that's the gas boiler inspection one, that wasn't mandatory before but suddenly is now.

Then I'll make the Surveyor one, where they take pictures of each room and measure them.

I want to get them over and done with. Oh and I have to hang out the laundry at some point too.

Plus make brekkie/lunch as it's lunchtime but I want to wait for the floors to dry..

Oh darn I was supposed to open the windows to let them dry faster.

I'm still not hungry yet anyway but at least all that energetic housework warmed me up.

The last thing eventually is to change the bed sheets and duvet but that can wait.

I always mean to do one room and then stop and save the rest for the next day but I think I worry I will put it off again..

So once I start, no matter how painful and taxing it is, I try to do as much as I can until I can't physically stand any longer.

What I found easiest is to make the water piping hot, do my usual mix of soap and bleach, mop or use the brush from the pan and brush to loosen the dirt..

Then mop it all into one corner and pick the dirt up and then I was done.

Plus of course having a loud party playlist or song on, grr my cleaning playlist was deleted so I picked a loud song and got on with it.

It's the bending my body doesn't like, I'll be paying for that in the next few days and of course my hands are beginning to get really tender.

Luckily today I wasn't walking over the dirt and making more mess so it stayed clean.

Thank goodness the UC appointment isn't until Thursday I can take it easy until then.

I knew it I feel very tender and stiff today and I tried to make the Surveyor appointment but no-one available again grr.

I wish they would tell the Landlord that so they could stop sending me threatening non cooperation emails.

#BlogLife1000 - Milestone the big thousand blogaversary

I'm just not sure what to write for the thousandth edition of BlogLife, how did we even get here?

Have I grown and matured as a person and a writer? I think so, I hope I've evolved.

I think the one constant has been my insecurities, I can't shake them, although I have bouts of self assurances but it doesn't last long.

I finally got around to measuring myself, I didn't do bust, just hips and waist and there wasn't much of a difference, a few more inches off.

Altogether though since I started this journey I think from 2022, I've lost 12 inches, is that a lot in 4 years?

I'm not sure but I've definitely gone down a lot of dress sizes. I probably haven't gone down another size, so still 2 stones to lose but I'm still moving in the right direction.

It's becoming less effort now after all the tips and tricks I've learned that work for me.

With some posts I write them ahead but with the milestones I kinda wait for the day and see what pops out.

I need brain food, maybe that will inspire me, it's just gone 12pmish and now I feel hungry so I'm cooking a cheese quiche and some chicken kebabs to go on the side.

And of course munching crisps, impatiently waiting for it to be done, I can't even remember the cooking times..

I was looking up old tv shows to watch in the evening to relax, music and asmr can be for the daytime but for the night, I tend to prefer having some show on while I'm gaming..

It just ends up making me sleepy and cosy and puts me at ease before I go to bed.

3rd Rock From The Sun and Alf ended up being contenders. I didn't realise that was his son in the show.

Ugh I can't even remember the names. Is it old age? I feel like my memory has never been strong though.

Mainly up to my thirties maybe, I was all about taking the multivitamins, trying to get my hair and nails luxurious and longer and now I don't take any supplements.

It was nice having long hair to play with, I just didn't know what to do with it, left loose it seemed messy.

A bun seemed boring, plaits and ponytails were unadventurous.. No matter what I did, it just hung there..

Even way before I got sick, my hands got tired from trying to style it and make it look trendy.

I wrote poetry, but it rhymed, it wasn't below the surface of how I was really feeling, it was just contained thoughts.

I wasn't equipped for anything more than that. I even doodled dress designs because what I saw in stores was limited and unattractive and when I wore it, I wasn't pleased.

All these were very basic forms of expression. I liked art and drawing, I managed some things and completely tanked others.

I was trying to find my way. I liked being in the school choir, I just couldn't hold a tune.

I think I was afraid for the longest time to do what I really craved which was composing fiction.

I knew it was going to be a disaster so I shelved it for as long as I could because I wanted to excel at it, not just be acceptable.

Maybe there were other stories I wrote, I cannot think but the first story I wrote that really made me embarrassed and proud was for a College assignment.

I don't know if it was a substitute Teacher but we were told to write a short but lengthy story.

I had no idea what subject to pick and I think at that point, the nightmares were quite prominent in my life.

So I based it on that, the recurring one of being chased and lost and almost nabbed.

And I still remember to this day, not knowing how to conclude it, because it was flowing for the first time ever, I think..

So maybe it was 2 pages both sides of an A4 paper and I know because everyone else's was a few paragraphs and the Teacher held mine up and said.....

This is the length it should have been. I don't know if it was read out, I just remember sinking into my seat and my face turning various shades of pink, red, purple..

And mumbling, it's not like it's any good, I just couldn't seem to end it.

I think I was pleased with how it came out, very descriptive but I had grown up feeling like a fool and people were hammering that home to me so whatever I did, didn't seem smart enough..

That was the only story my Mama read and she loved it, said I should submit it somewhere but it seemed like a fraction of a piece not the whole thing.

I dismissed the praise and sometime before or after tried a story for myself but it wouldn't come alive, not like the nightmare one.

For that one I pretended I was that person walking home, being scared out of my wits and it helped.

So that first story I forgot about or put it down to being a fluke, never to be recreated..

But it was satisfying or maybe I was relieved, it was late and my brain hurt.

I guess my point is, it took me a long time to believe in myself and not be as afraid to show the world who I was, am, and strive to be..

#BlogLife999 - What's different?

Just had the crumpets and the omelette, that was way nicer than I expected, soft cheesy, I think it was frozen so recooked it for 6 minutes and it was done.

I just added a bit of butter to the crumpet and it didn't need anything else. Maybe next time, I'll just do one. I'm getting full.

Then I opened the Belvita cereal bars pfft. It's 4x packs of biscuits, not bars in a one serving wrapping, and then 5x of those altogether, so that is superb value for £1.

It's quite sizeable and the blended nuts and chocolate chips and sweetness, the right balance I would say.

It tastes exactly like Nairn maybe, I can't put my finger on, very nice and thin though, I just wish, it was individually wrapped or had 2, because once you open it, you can't reseal so have to munch them all.

Oh I think I have it, it's like McVities digestives and Nairn had a biccy baby and this is what came out ha. Tasty.

Last review is that Chicago Town beef kebab pizza slice had that for dinner and the base didn't crisp but it was cooked.

Actually surprisingly good. Cheese, beef, red and green peppers and seasoning.

Yummy, not salty, thick and hearty, good portion and that's probably it for the day, unless I have a packet of crisps or some nuts later on..

But I don't think I have room for anything else.

I thought the monthly started but nope.

I found this cute lil period drama called Doctor Thorne, it's a lot gentler than some of the violent ones I've seen, sweet really.

From 2016 apparently, about this girl who think she's from a respectable family and finds out she's night high brow so the family friends who know their son is infatuated with her, tell her Papa, no offence she's not welcome lol.

Pretty funny that they expect him to be like Yea, that's fine, see you soon.

Her Uncle is so protective of her in a kind nurturing way, always encouraging her and I think she feels the same way about the boy but when she learns she's illegitimate..

The Mama abandoned her, the Papa was murdered, she feels classless so rejects him.

The reason, his family doesn't want them to get together, he needs to marry someone wealthy as the whole family is destitute and in tons of debt.

Lol, how can you be poor and a snob? Hilarious, it's only 3 parts and I'm watching the last bit now.

It's quirky that the show has a beginning and ending narrator who chats about the show, at first I fast forwarded that but it's fun actually.

I'm not 100% sure because I don't know the actresses name but I think the girl from Bridgerton is in it, the one that plays...

Ugh what's her name Francesca, scrap that it's not her ha. She looks familiar, perhaps I've seen the lead in somewhere else..

An update to the L'Oreal face wash, I can get away with 1 pump not 2 on the face wash and that's enough, it generously foams up after being spun and coats the whole face so should last a while.

I cooked the cheese and tomato ravioli, I really like it, it didn't come overly soft and mushy, just nicely cooked for 8 minutes I think.

And it's really lightly flavoured and I don't mind that either because I've had a lot of cheese things recently and that's probably why I didn't buy any.

And very faint hint of tomato which is okay with me, it's tasty, I would buy that again, good portion for 1 person.

#BlogLife998 - Easing into the New Year

Well after the protein treatment on my lenses, I guess they are a lil more comfy, I'm not streaming with tears but I still feel them but an improvement is welcome relief.

How is it when you're half asleep in winter and wake up, you're warm enough under a thick duvet but as soon as you fully alert, you're frozen?

I'm still trying to warm up, it's so cold, I double checked the heating was even on but it is and so is the blankie, slowly getting hotter.

I decided to briefly browse the freezer and I didn't know what to munch so I grabbed some mini veggy spring rolls and samosas chucked them in the oven for 16 minutes and just had them with the creamy onion and garlic dip, so so good.

I forgot it's the weekend and I don't need to put up anything, will probably save this for Monday.

It's been ages since I did an oil treatment for my hair, I should do that soon as it feels a bit dry.

The only chores to do is putting away the washing for them to dry and some light mopping, everywhere else is tidy.

Oh and I should wipe down the sink too. I've been doing spot cleaning so there isn't much left on my agenda, which makes it manageable.

Ah the landlord's number was functioning so I checked my texts and it's back open from Christmas so I just paid my rent, checked my balance and as I thought, the last of the savings is dwindling down, last lot left and then completely broke.

Now is the time to wean off getting takeout, for real this time, so I can have a lil stored for emergencies like a new laptop or microwave.

Iceland had a bunch of new stuff not even advertised in the dedicated section and I still didn't know what I was in the mood for, so bought random things.

There was a Haribo funny mix bag going for 50p half price I guess but it wasn't in stock.

The Belvita honey and nut chocolate chips cereal bar was on offer 5x £1, saving 25p, I don't know if it's like a biscuit or a real cereal bar, I was curious so got it to try.

I also got some crumpets, to make sandwiches for a change as it was 90p for 6 of them.

And I've already got butter but forget to get cheese ha. I'm also excited to try the Slimming World cheese and tomato ravioli £3 steep, yeesh but it sounds nice.

Plus MyProtein chicken alfredo £4.75 I think this has been around for a while but never in stock, so sounds appealing, I'll probably pick out the mushrooms, ick.

And the last two things, cheese omelettes (£3), which I think I intended to put into the fried rice, Oh actually I think I have rice in the freezer..

And then a Chicago Town beef sliced pizza £1.75. I've been getting plain cheese so again, getting some variety and fun things to review.

Ah I feel better, just wrote the scathing new blankie review on Amazon helpfully will stop other shoppers wasting their money.

I can't help but wonder, these faulty products, why do they have such glowing feedback?

Are they even authentic? I've heard of sellers asking for 5 star reviews in exchange for freebies, it's happened to me but I prefer being honest.

Reviews help me get an idea of the product and if it's suitable. Actually when I checked back I did see some negative ones that I hadn't seen before..

Eeek the temperature has really dropped and there's more talks of snow, I hope it skips my area as other people have mentioned they have snow.

#BlogLife997 - I'm on a retro binge

I remembered that there was two Ricki Lake movies that stuck with me Babycakes and Mrs Winterbourne.

Both had that ring of naivete, where you think you know it all, think you're a grown up and then realise, you don't know jack about life and men and what makes you happy..

I guess my stories are me putting myself out there but from a safe distance and waiting for someone to come along and shut me down again..

That's my fear someone will confirm my fears and say.. Listen chicky you can't cut it as a writer, you don't have that flair.

You're limited in your abilities and frankly I just don't see the substance there..

But I am just going to carry on as I am, with all the varied topics and stories.

I have to remember to cancel the prime trial before the 6th January as that's when they charge me.

I couldn't think how the movies ended soo I wanted to see if she ended up happy in the end, I'm not going to spoil it.

I love Thursday's it's when Looney Tunes World of Mayhem puts out their new event and it's all shiny and new and different for a bit.

I usually sleep early on New Years Eve, there's nothing to keep me up, I think by 11amish I was tired..

Unfortunately I forgot about the loud long fireworks that lasted for ages and that kept me up for a bit.

I slept, woke, slept woke for most of the night, but got a few long hours here and there, with odd odd dreams.

So by 9amish, I'm typically waking up slowly and forcing myself out of bed to put on the heating and blankie.

I don't know if I should try to cut my hair again, it's misbehaving and won't fall nicely.

I don't know whether to do a grocery shop either, I have most things now and I'm not sure I need too.

I'll look and decide later. A new year is when you hope things will improve.

I just can't help thinking, it will be the same. I can try and change my mindset, manoeuvre and push past it, attempt to be stronger..

Or promise I'll put out my stories and spoofs, some more lighthearted stuff but I don't know if I will.

There's so much hanging on my shoulders burdening me down and I can't just forget and say la di da, let's push you aside and pretend everything is normal because it isn't.

And that doesn't seem a healthy way to exist anyway.

I guess the most I can do is have hope that there is inner strength inside me, to be able to deal with everything thrown at me.

It feels relentless and like I'm failing at the solutions, I fix this and then it doesn't take or something else happens and I think cripes, I was finally relaxing, content that I did the right thing and now I have to do something else..

But that's life for you, challenging this way and that and you don't have to be capable all the time.

It is ok to crumble and falter and admit, Hey world, I'm not dealing with this well at all.

It's difficult but afterwards you have to find a way to pick yourself up or lean on others, ( I don't lean, but if possible, you should).

P texted me at midnight to wish my a Happy New Year. It was sweet, I'm not sure I was in the mood but I did reply and I didn't want to wake Mama incase she was asleep so I texted her late in the morning as she said she wanted a lay in.

I tried the Kellog's chocolate cornflakes bar, the cornflakes bit is great but it has this weird white coating.

I didn't know if it was white chocolate, yoghurt or what, it turns out it's milk...

Hmm, I can do without that, it spoils it with a peculiar taste. I wish they had not have tried to be clever and added it in, where it didn't need extras.