#BlogLfe933 - Less fluey, more active

It's satisfying that even after reporting the bugs to the tutor and her saying she's accessible, zero was the response ha.

They don't give a damn, as I suspected, it's pretty much, you're on your own type of place.

Samsung had a mini security update that managed to crash the clock, so I just deleted it and re-added it which made it start working again.

Oh good grief. It's ridiculous, now the course has got in touch to say they haven't got the passport proof of identification picture.

You accepted it earlier and now there is an issue again? This is what I was having problems with, it would not accept the upload.

Then it did and everything seemed to be fine and now they are hounding me.

I wonder if it is because it's expired but it still proves it is me. It has my name, it has my picture.

I'm not shelling out nearly £100 to renew it, when I'll never travel again.

I'm going to resend it via email and if they kick me off the course, I'll do a happy dance. 

I never wanted to do it, in the first place! Ugh now they are asking me to get a copy of my birth certificate which is £16.

I'm still thinking about that. I've made a start in my to do list. I had some things that I was dreading.

I just had to get on with it and stop using the flu as an excuse. My heavens I wasn't expecting the costs but hopefully I'm paying for a premium service.

I changed the sheets and just the washing to do now now.

I don't remember if I mentioned the first rating I got which was positive and now received one in star form...

Which was negative 2/5. It makes me laugh though because I've helped many people that haven't bothered to give me feedback but I have got a lot of thanks.

I suspect the negative was from either those requesting unsavoury chats/topics of which I dismissed.

Or from someone who talking too, was like pulling teeth, every which way I tried was just long pauses and nothing that I could entice them to elaborate with.

And I was starting to get annoyed with my time being wasted. I wish people would get to the point, sorry but if you have a queue of people you're ignoring to speak to a non chatter, as it were, it's frustrating.

I hate those types of chats. In the end I just apologised I wasn't able to help and referred them to another Listener, there is only so much I can do.

If a person doesn't wish to open up or give details, I'm not a mindreader.

The only time I'll have patience is if there are wifi problems or it's a sensitive topic.

Otherwise don't use the service if you won't share, it's pointless for both of us.

I know volunteering is thankless at times but you know what, if someone spent hours listening to me and helping me unburden, de-stress, make sense and lift my mood..

I would give them positive feedback, you've no idea how a lil unexpected kindness and appreciation can make someone's day.

I just have to add this as it made me laugh, I got an email to say I had positive feedback but there was none.

Then later I saw the 2/5 rating, how was that positive? Ha!

#BlogLife928 - Why did I post at the weekend?

As we all know I usually only post Monday - Thursday as someone that's getting increasingly ill, I need me-time.

However due to stress and temporary ailments sometimes I don't post at all.

This weekend I felt stretched in a million different directions, I should be doing this, thinking that, writing, being organised blah blah.

There was so many cluttered thoughts I needed to release them to make way for new ones.

I don't know when this will be put out, I don't want to put more pressure on myself.

I feel stuffy in my nose, my throat is sore and I'm incredibly tired.

Those are my symptoms and although I didn't want to get up, my brain said Wakey Wakey..

Granted I know BookLife8 wasn't in my traditional style but it came out effortlessly, not one for Wattpad but here for the blog.

If my brain feels like adding more it will. I cannot think straight at the moment at all.

I don't want to do anything but there is a to-list growing. I keep thinking of things to say and then I forget them

One of them was from Married At First Sight. They don't matchmake the same sex couples well at all, polar opposites.

Anyway I guess it was interesting, How would you deal with someone you are paired with but have no attraction too?

It's really awkward to do anything physical with them, it would feel forced and unnatural.

But you could get to know their personality. I think in that situation, it's tougher.

You want to make the effort but not give false hope. It's hurtful too to be rejected but I guess if you can put your pride aside and try and have fun with the activities, surely that's a start?

It's not helpful when someone's really flirty and expecting to be intimate straight away, I know you're married but this is arranged, it isn't a love match, slow down.

Emotionally I feel better and physically I feel worse but I got the ball rolling on a few things.

Ordered the new duvet and a spare fitted sheet. I called up and spoke to a lovely person about the Surveyor appointment and she said call back when you're better and make it then.

That was a relief, my fear was that they would be insistent about penciling me in this week and I'm just not up to it.

The rest I'll do later or along the week. I need to munch, finish this up, do the UC stuff.

It's stressing me out thinking about Thursday's UC appointment, especially if he's referring me to a course that's inaccessible.

Plus I got to sign up to another course, I'm not interested in, just to get him to be silent.

I doubt I'll be feeling better by tomorrow. I think what's really ticking me off, is how he was gloating about forcing me to attend an appointment that's unnecessary.

It's tantamount to what I've always heard, I don't give a damn about your disabilities in fact, I'll punish you for having them.

Even when I was trying to explain the female colleague was looking over.

I hope she was thinking What a dickhead. I know I was. It's when you're mocking someone that's ill and I can't say anything because he would happily stop my payments..

It's that stuck feeling. The same as being bullied, there's no retaliation.

That's why I'm thinking depending on how I'm feeling tomorrow, I may message him and say I need a phone appointment.

He will hate that and probably giving me a warning, sanction for failure to attend.

At this point. I don't think I care. I'm getting tired of him belittling me and making me feel small.

The only other pressing thing is to sort the cleaner but that should be fine, they have last minute, minor and major services.

Lastly not impressed with the chat support as someone seeking it out.

The only person I got through too hasn't bothered replying. They should have it where, only online people are contactable.

The forums are way more responsive but you can't really go into details there.

Also the private messages, I feel obligated to reply too and that's a bad feature.

At least today I stood up to someone being deliberately inappropriate, it was making me feel so icky.

I avoided them until now. It's like people think just because you volunteer, you can say anything inappropriate and they'll accept it.

Hell no!!

#BlogLife926 - Wound too tight perhaps/First chats on 7 Cups

Ha I just blew up at one of the randoms. He was attempting to do that therapy/analyse/fix me thing, that I despise..

Aww have you been heartbroken? Are you afraid? So I said No, it's neither of those I just prefer to avoid it all.

Then he said Do you pick bad ones? Ooh I lost it, I think all the stress got to me and I snapped and blocked him.

I said Why is it always a woman's fault? Only a man would say that.

Men take no responsibility for their actions. It's like saying, Hey you SS, chicky..

The reason dating is unsuccessful is because you know they are bad and therefore it's on you.

There's no way I would go into the actual reasons, self esteem issues, lack of body confidence, past history mistreatments..

To be honest he was a fluff random, not much substance to him. I much prefer P even though we're the tiniest bit distant with each other.

Maybe he has something on his mind too.. I don't like that idea of some guy playing superhero..

I'm here to save you SS, To make you acceptable to date me. To make you better, the way only I can.

Ughhhh yuckity ick! That's the way it comes across to me with some randoms.

Ok back to volunteering. I told myself this week I would begin and Oh crikey did I....

As from the last time I won't go into detail, I will just mention it from my experience as a Listener.

The first chat was intense, thankfully they have a referral button which makes it easier than googlying helplines and websites.

Deep breath, chat two verged on the inappropriate but I was given a heads up before the details and I exited gracefully.

The third one was more my speed. Once I got into it, I knew what to say, what to ask, what to prompt.

Fine, but an hour and a half later I was hungry and burnt out and I realise it was repeating itself.

I wasn't sure how to break that cycle, no matter how I steered it, the same thing.

So eventually I thought, it's time to go, I apologised and said I need to eat, which was the truth, it's nearly 3pm with no meals.

They were understanding, hopefully they didn't feel slighted. I would never ask for a review, I'm curious if I got one.

However it seemed like no time frame would have satisfied, their need to talk, which is my problem as I indulge.

They did give me a compliment though, seemed like I helped, so that's good.

Also the worry is, anyone can message you, or maybe they have to be a member with subjects that are not to your taste.

It's a lot disturbing you can ignore a chat request but yes they can private message you anyway...

Not a good feature at all. It's very sloppily hit and miss with the features.

At least there is a report and block function, haven't used it yet, tempted though.

Plus I'm cringing at the male requests that persistently requesting me personally..

I have a bad gut feeling on those. I avoided completely. What's nice is unlike HearMe, I didn't experience any problems.

All chats once I worked it out were at the bottom of the page, seemed to be picked up really quickly by others.

People aren't waiting for ages but I still apologised anyway. I guess my issue is, the lines are blurred.

With members and Listener staff in the same place, you can't really open up and be vague when they can read it.

Not ideal, there should be a distinction, a boundary in place.

For the Listener side of things, mingling is encouraged, that part I like, mostly a sweet atmosphere, noone feels rejected or unwelcome from what I've seen..

So far, the good outweighs the bad, I just have to be stricter with my time.

As I don't feel like taking on anymore chats or responding to messages.

#BlogLife925 - Why is introducing myself so hard?

Once again I feel this dread coming over me. I'm fully fledged on 7 Cups and have been browsing through the newbies section and of course there is an introduce me bit...

Eeek can't do it. What can I say? I could piggyback an old thread full of people saying Hi..

I don't want to do that and be lost in a sea of fresh faces, nor do I want to particularly stand out.

It was hard enough trying to write a vague profile, so what do I want to say?

What should my first text say? Without overthinking, I guess it's this.

Hey lil 7 Cup world. This is difficult for me. I'm uncomfy in the spotlight.

I never was much of a talker, always a listener in some aspect or another.

At times I change this and other times I accept it.

I know what it's like to have no-one to talk too, no-one on your side and feel adrift..

So if I can be there for others going through difficulties then I'll assist them to cope easier, hopefully.

Once time passes, then I'm chattier, although I limit people getting too close.

I like gaming on my phone, cop shows and pampering.

I was a Listener on HearMe that was a mixed experience due to how buggy the platform was.

I still didn't do the intro post, instead I find myself answering forum questions, some serious, some lighthearted.

Not taken my first chat either, still on edge. I can't stop thinking about tomorrow I don't wanna call and cancel in case they say it can't be changed.

But if they call me again, then I will, I'm still sore and the pain is spreading, so will hire a professional cleaner, sod it.

Oh I thought of another way to stick it to the UC advisor, I looked for a creative writing course, no such luck, boo.

Maybe I'll find something fun other than customer service or coding, pfft.

Something I am actually invested in, not being forced to do.

Hmm so everyone thus far has been friendly and then I responded to a post about dealing with negative comments from people..

I shared I was sensitive and may take it to heart but also look at if someone's trying to help or just act mean.

The response was if I'm sensitive I shouldn't be online much and indicating what I am even volunteering for, and that I should be thick skinned and expect the worst from others..?!

I wasn't really expecting that answer, but to each their own. I just put I've always been sensitive and will always be that way.

I'm not ashamed of it as many people can relate to it and that I've previously volunteered and know there is good and bad.

Plus I choose to focus on the positives that I've helped many people feel less isolated and stuck before.

To me that text spoke volumes of someone a lil judgemental and a lot jaded.

Why are you volunteering with an attitude like that? I like to keep the peace though so kept that thought to myself.

I don't think it's anyone's place to say change yourself. There are better ways to phrase things like...

Listen as someone new, I just want to make sure you are fully prepared.

There are nice people, but also some not to nice so bear that in mind and if you ever need to vent, pop me a message..

Isn't that much more pleasant?? I tried the Chat feature it said No-one was available, that was a bust unless I wanted to pick someone specific and they were probably offline anyway.

Even though elsewhere I don't really share I found a section called diary entries and just offloaded there.

I just needed to let it out publicly. 

My summary is I agree, there is a lack of support. You're bombarded with welcome messages but everyone says the exact same thing and links to help pages.

It might as well be a bot welcoming you, I find that cold and disappointing.

At least with HearMe you were assigned someone and people jumped to help you, here, you're on your own.

I would much rather a personal message saying Hi, I'm sure you are nervous and overwhelmed is there anything you want to ask?

Also there is just a random list of mentors, you can't search by country or how active they are on the site.

I messaged one and didn't hear back but it is the weekend. I just want someone to talk too but not publicly about unsavoury chats.

Do I steer the conversation or leave? Also it would be easier if they were from the UK.

#BlogLife924 - 7 Cups alternative to HearMe voluntary text support

Well that made me roll my eyes, I got a notification from the twit advisor and he said something vague, wants to put me forward for SWAP something but didn't explain what it was, then said if not interested reply...

Doesn't he mean if I am interested, get in touch? He doesn't give me a say in anything anyway just bullies me.

Ugh I think it's one of those horrid work placement thingys in remote areas where the lifts never work and there is a ton of walking to get there.

My worst nightmare especially with the roadworks blocking access. I don't even know if the bus station is available to transfer to another bus. Dick!

Plus doesn't care I'm disabled with mobility issues and chronic pain struggling to move about freely, when the bus services are halting halfway.

Anyway I'll do what I usually do ignore him until I have to face him next week, a week earlier than usual, the tit!

Least then I would have applied for the course, finished up with the volunteering registration and done superficial cv changes.

I have to stop rambling and eat. I'm not really nervous about the volunteer training, I aced that.

The volunteering itself, I was a natural. I think it's taking on other people's stress when I'm dealing with my own, that's not pleasant.

Maybe it will be good for me, maybe helping others will make me feel useful and like I'm making a difference..

From somebody that gets no support to aiding others in their vulnerable times.

Again I think it's flexible, online or via app maybe. I didn't see a UK section, just America, maybe they just mean English language wise.

I gotta pick out a username. Hmm... QuickThinker? BrainUnscrambler? I have no idea..

I did a quick review search to see what the take on 7 cups was.. Mixed as I feared.

Some horror stories, lots of sexual harassment unfortunately, seems par for the course with these sites.

Lack of admin support for issues raised, hmmm and uncaring supporters for some, which is a real shame, when you're at your lowest, would be nice to get someone helpful.

Got to admit that was my take, on the few chats I requested to vent (via HearMe), it was like talking to myself, there was no care at all, aside from one and she didn't grasp my situation either.

I would have pride in it and be there. It's not about saying the perfect thing, it's just being polite and showing you are there, you're available to sympathise or relate or offer compassion.

I like that they say, tick off the subjects you're not comfy discussing and that only your screen name and country are visible.

I think my best bet is to limit any personal info, like gender, age, things that seem to encourage flirting..

Actually I might only take female chats. I'm remember the dread with the males ones.

The training said it was an hour but that you resume anytime, if you paused, it didn't take me that long, I just recalled HearMe's one and it was the same so maybe 20 minutes..

At first I thought it blocked my profile because I forgot about that rule of not giving advice/opinions but sometimes I found that worked really well.

I put on my profile if asked for advice I would be direct and work with them to suggest routes but quickly deleted that, ha.

I got to admit, feel apprehensive about my first chat, maybe at the weekend when I'm calmer..

Sounds weird to say but at least I always have my own back. I can encourage, pat myself on the back or try and make myself upset to release the tension..

By the way, I did look at another volunteering service but they wanted extensive training, references and somehow feels like a payment. I ran from that one.

I've already forgotten the name.

It's not trained counsellors, it's amateur volunteers, listening to others, if it's that big a deal, you should be paying your volunteers for their time.

I knew there would be after effects from all that walking, when I'm up and about now my legs are burning and then when I stand still, it intensifies.

So tidying is out, I'll see how I feel tomorrow but that's what irritates me, it's over exterion at the time, then dealing with the results that happen afterwards.

It's a prolonged body strain, even a day later, that's what tends to happen with me. It's continually building.

I'll probably skip dinner. I'm not feeling it. I only had the mini quiche and some crisps so my tum wasn't empty.

The more anxious, the less I can eat.

Now I recall the other thing I forgot to mention. I didn't end up getting a refund from the paypal guarantee for the first time ever.

The goods didn't arrive, I contacted them and then got an email saying, we haven't heard back so we closed the complaint.

Always always always they've said, is everything resolved, can we step in?

Never have they said, ok we're done. It was only maybe a fiver or so, but still, it's the principle of paying for items and not getting them.

I also couldn't leave feedback to say avoid this company because you will get scammed and rude customer service.

#BlogLife923 - BS and UC advisor's spiteful power trip

Just had a look to see what time the appointment was for Thursday's bs UC crap meeting and it turns out it's next Thursday not this week.

Thank heavens because I'm still empty and I've been home for hours but it's still supposed to be in 2 weeks.

Ffs walking all that way and back with health conditions and you're ass couldn't say, Oh that's rough, let me make it easier with a call, no need to come in.

Now because of the blog I've been keeping notes about all the UC nonsense.

And when he said your CV is a mess and needs professional help with one of our team, I thought you're giving me a hard time on purpose.

I was right. He sent me the same link as last time, said to do the STAR method CV and send it off to him.

He told me to do that..... (scrolls back over posts) in November which took me all day as I had no idea what the hell I was doing but it was done.

I sent it off and all he said was thanks, so why the hell is he making me do it all over again??

Can only be malice. You wouldn't get that in real life, someone asking you to do something and them saying great and then nearly a year later saying this isn't good, re-do it.

I'll do bare minimal changes because there's nothing at all wrong with it.

All the advisors have been the same, they all have different views on what CV's should look like.

It's a waste of time. I just feel frazzled with all the crap on my plate.

The other thing is because of road works, some paths were blocked and I wanted to look through the pasta/sushi/fruit selections in Tesco, I could have done it in Asda but I was really struggling to remain upright, I had to be quick.

I also wanted to pick up snacks and get some new bedlinen, the ones I have aren't washing well and after a while get a lil itchy and what's the word, I can't think of it, but like they are self-ruining.

It's just irritating to have things to accomplish and then you realise back home, ugh, didn't get to it.

At least I can relax now, my stomach isn't churning, I don't feel that munchy but I might just have the other sandwich, I don't like keeping them for long.

Oh the pesto one hmm, I'm not sure I tasted pesto, the feta was actually mild so it worked well and the chicken was good.

I would get it again. I wonder if everything was £2 each? Amazing value.

One of my favourites was the salmon and cucumber, not the smoked nonsense, genuine salmon but I never see it.

Having just had the chicken salad, umm that was simpler but nicer, creamier with the mayo. I prefer that, although there was a chicken tandoori wrap..

I didn't sleep last night until after 5am and woke up at lunchtime. 

Everything was going around and around in my head, all the UC tasks to do, as he won't stop hounding me.

Which is sign up for volunteering. I don't think HearMe is available anymore.

I saw a similar one to that, that was it 7 cups, minimal fuss to register with and do online training, so I registered and will do the filling in later.

Sign up for a course, I'll go with a flexible not an intense 9-5pm all day one, maybe with the Learning Curve Group as they seem online and I can study at my leisure.

Fix the CV which is already fixed and I don't think there is anymore.

The home visit from the surveyor is on Friday because my place is untidy and could do with some mopping but the floors don't dry and I have to walk on them so they get dirty once again..

Unless I starve and don't use the kitchen, hallway, bathroom, lounge.....

I just realised I could have hired a quick cleaner but those have been exhausting with the attitude problems, leaving early, arriving late, breaking things, taken longer than expected and not listening to my individual needs.

I guess now that I say it out loud, it all seems doable. I make mountains out of molehills at times but I get overwhelmed.

Eek it's nearly 3pm and I haven't munched, well there is a quiche cooking..

The last thing I'm gutted about is the scrabble foe I was playing got really lazy with his efforts.

He started playing 2/3 letter words and I can't stand that. You don't need to have your turn immediately, put some effort in and think about it.

Why do they all do that? Start off decently and then can't be bothered.

I don't do that. I'm consistent, I always think about the word I'll make, the score and to make it worse, there are help/cheat options.

Just watch an advert and change your letters, get a word hint or swap and skip your turn, there is no excuse for sloppiness and not using your brain.

#BlogLife512 - Why I'm not volunteering/counselling anymore?

I put the ringer, well vibration back on my phone and waited to see if Dic would call me back.

He did a few hours later but it wasn't for what I thought it was.. He didn't want a progress update..

He wanted to do another bloody survey on my health and well-being, yeeesh.

I was annoyingly consistent and didn't change any of my previous answers, I just trundled through it quickly and then uncharacteristically, cheerily bid him farewell.

I think I was just relieved it was over and I could get back to blogging.

Why did I just do that? I had peppermint essential oil on my hands and I thought I washed them after but maybe not.

Then I rubbed my eyes. SIlly silly. I just doused them with eye drops, they're not burning but they feel weird.

I wonder why I do crazy things? Can I blame it on being half asleep?

I'm not really tired actually but I woke up 7ish I think to get ready for my grocery delivery.

He arrived on time and everything is packed away neatly. Oh I just watched Sweet On You it's a fun romantic comedy that I recommend.

The usual kinda backdrop, workaholic travels to a quaint relaxed lil town and meets a baker who charms him with her quirkiness. 

I want to curl up with the blankie but it isn't cold. Grr. Oh I did eventually put my head down and sleep for a bit. It was lovely.

I feel more relaxed and energised now. I was thinking about getting back to volunteering but I cannot seem to make myself go back to it.

I feel I am pushing myself into it, as it is a worthwhile cause but the truth is my heart just isn't into it any longer.

I feel like I'm avoiding the murkiness of people's lives. In tv/films and reality.

There are times when I'm surrounded by darkness that haunts my every waking moment and even asleep, there's not any peace.

So when I'm awake, when I'm up for the challenges of life.. I guess I want some rays of hope around me, some pleasantness and laughter.

The things I heard when I was volunteering, I mean not all of it was bad, there were delightful chats but from those hanging on by a thread......

I have soo been there. I counsel friends, family, acquaintances, randoms, I make them feel better about themselves.

I don't feel the need to do it in my spare time too. I think that's why I like when people make me laugh because it's makes a huge change from me being the entertainer/supporter/taking the lead.

It's exhausting always being the caretaker and never being taken care of but L is quite sweet, although quieter..

I feel I need someone that is gonna have that silly lighthearted banter with me and not make me like their full-time cheerleader or interviewee.

Today was such a rush. I already lost the new pink top, it's either in the wash or it's fallen somewhere.

So in the end as time was running out, I put on the other rainbowy X top and had no time for makeup.

Even my hair is just not behaving itself, it feels flat and glued to my scalp.

It was actually really nice not seeing Dic. I felt weird today like all the air had been sucked out the room.

Could be pmt, I do feel bloated and I was nauseated but it also seems like claustrophobia a lil.

Even outdoors I felt there wasn't enough air to breathe. I don't usually show my arms but I had to take off the long sleeved top underneath.

To feel less uneasy. I'm just waiting for my sweet and sour rice to arrive and possibly after I eat and nap I might feel normal.

Until then I will keep sipping a cold citrus drink. Ahh I'm sad that yesterday the U2 earbuds after a year have died.

Well technically only the right one but I will bin them soon. I'm amazed they lasted this long.

The food has just arrived and it was a double discount. I think I will nibble on some sides.

I don't know if I've ever tried honey and garlic wings but the dry version was really bad.

I had a bite or two as I'm not hungry enough for a meal, I just wanted to try it and fill my tummy up a bit so it wasn't empty.

It is a whole lot of an improvement on the dry version. It's a shame it's overcooked but it's definitely mild and seasoned properly this time.

I think I would get that again, I was craving chicken spring rolls but they only do the veggie versions.

I just took off my bra because it was pressing on my stomach and making me feel sickly.

I feel freer and calmer now.

#BlogLife383 - Listen.. For a price?!

Song of the day - Rome/Destra - Lie Lie Lie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZmCTmCVpbM&list=PLC743C3F57E46E499&index=44

Truthfully I haven't volunteered for ages now. I've been busy and stressed and it's better to support when I'm more relaxed.

But I recently got some emails to say things are changing. You have to reapply because we're changing applications and upgrading.

I thought to myself.....Hmm I'm not sure I can be bothered. I feel less motivated at the moment with all the spam and perverted chats that I get.

However on reading further I noticed something very surprising. It's changing into a paid service so that will weed away the idiots and possibly the perverts for sure.

It's a shame about the genuine less fortunate who will no longer be able to afford it but there are other places around.

It also stated that volunteers are going to receive some sort of incentive also, which turns things around significantly.

That would definitely come in handy for Christmas, although I have been saving gift vouchers and various credits to prepare for this.

I'm sorry to sound greedy but it would be so amazing to actually be compensated for it.

Like I've said before some are emotionally scarring and others are just taxing and if they can afford it, it would benefit people that are passionate about the role.

I don't know if I'm passionate but I do throw my all into it and I am very good at it, most of the time.

I haven't decided what to do yet, there's not much information shared so I have until the end of the month to decide.

Volunteers don't pay fees. I'm not sure if we are still entitled to free chats under this new regime either.. Hmm..

Well I have just sent a note to say I am interested and when they send me the training I will either pass or fail and that will be that.

I don't see it as being owed money but if you think listening to heartbreaking stories is easy, day after day, time after time, ignorantly assuming you can walk away and not be affected pffft, think again.

It will trouble your mind. Plus all the unsavoury chats just make you feel unclean, it's a lot to deal with and there are times with no support so for regular, non counsellors, I mean it's tough to swallow at times.

#BlogLife304 - Volunteer for a spell..

Fear not I have not taken up witchcraft. I don't believe in all that. I do feel very well rested and energetic for once though.

I've been napping a lot and forcing myself to sleep in and I needed it too.

I can't remember the last time I woke up and actually felt like I had significant slumber time.

I had a few volunteer sessions also. They weren't too bad. One was challenging but then I think, maybe that is the best sort and I think I got through somewhat..

As the anger seemed to fade. There are still a few technical issues but I'm glad I did it.

Just had my croissants for breakfast. I can never seem to wait for the filling to cook, the sausages.

Always too famished. I think probably the best way to heal my elbows is a combination of the Aveeno lotion and the Cocoa butter substance thingy, that isn't cream.

It seems to hydrate the best and although it is still cracking from constantly leaning on them. It's slowly improving.

My lips are cracking also, despite liberally applying lip balm.

Oh and I have, well actually the phone switched me to the default Samsung keyboard app which I am quite enjoying.

I'm not sure I have used it for a very long time and for the most part does auto correct and predict better than SwiftKey.

There are some errors still but mostly it's working great. I was typing up today's post last night and when I looked back on it, I only saw a few corrections I needed to alter.

#BlogLife291 - The headfuckery of volunteering

Obviously I cannot go into any details for confidentiality reasons but this was another doozy.

I don't even know if the account they were telling me was fabrication or real but it was disturbing.

Just when you think you're prepared enough and have heard some horrific things, not that I'm arrogant anymore but still.

Then you listen to someone and a sense of foreboding washes over me and I convince myself, no no no, it's not going down that path but it does.

Still more details are pouring out and it is just getting increasingly worse and I think, okay it's changed directions, seems fine, pulled back.

Then SMACK, it starts again, adding and increasing the traumatising information.

I don't know what the hell to do. I'm trying to tread softly and navigate and I manage it but it just takes a turn and....I think nope. can't do it.

Have to politely end this because my head is fucked up!! I'm sorry, I apologise for the bad language but needs must.

I have to get it out of my system because the guides were busy to offload onto and I need to vent it out of my system as my face is burning red.

One did attempt support but in the worst possible way and I'm grateful but it frustrated me more.

Dr K was around but I just bad about always running to him, so I didn't bother. Let the man have some damn peace haha!!

Maybe it's a triggery thing and that's why I am taking it hard but no more volunteering for a bit for me.

That one, was too much!

#BlogLife247 - Volunteer your philosophy

Unfortunately there are some volunteer sessions where I can see where it's heading and I want to back out of it but I usually persist and hope it settles down or is short or they ask for someone else.

It's the rambly type chats, where there isn't a specific issue because those tend to fire personal questions at me as though, they are the Volunteer and I'm the member.

Not really ideal for someone like me, who is reserved and careful about not sharing personal information. This one was relatively short though and I could relate to it so it wasn't too bad.

It's just a bit tiring when someone is interviewing me and in a sneaky way ascertaining whether I am qualified to handle a general conversation.

It's a tad insulting when there isn't even a particular sensitive subject matter. It was easy to keep my cool though because I was relaxed and not taking it personally.

I can understand looking for a specific person to listen to your problems but if you're not really sharing anything, I don't see why the patronising questions are coming up?

I have handled an array of highly sensitive matters. Those people didn't give me the third degree, they were just immensely grateful to have someone willing to support them.

I'm happy to lend my time but some members are either using this service for the wrong reason to have a chitchat or they are confusing us with paid professionally trained therapists, which we are not.

There was some empathetic training involved but we are not present to make life changing deductions. As I've said before some things I can't relate to, never been married, don't have kids etc but I can still be there for someone who feels isolated and overwhelmed.

If you consider yourself that highly and prefer a much grander knowledgeable interaction, then stop being a damn cheapskate and pay for a licenced counsellor that can give you what you need.

I just think these people are a tad delusional and don't have what I consider deep rooted problems. I can be present but if you're continuing to talk around the houses and not discuss anything significant, isn't that wasting both our time?

The truly vulnerable I don't have an issue with coaxing out the details because I know they will eventually get to it. If you are curious about what types of chat I've taken......

Without breaking confidentiality, here it is in a general way...

Bullying

Sexual/Verbal Abuse

Work/Study Productivity

Suicide

Self Harm

Loneliness

Infidelity

Relationship Issues

PTSD

Grief

Eating Disorders

Body Image

Self Esteem

There are probably more but you get the gist of what I cover now and can see why, some chats are highly charged and draining and others are routine.

I admit I favour the problem-related chats more highly because there's a fixed subject and I know how I can offer guidance or care when needed.

Also those chats aren't firing questions at me, they are too emotionally raw to nitpick. I hope that gives you a better understanding and maybe you can understand me a bit better.

I don't claim to be a saint, unless I'm messing around so as someone that has to have their own back and prop myself up on a daily basis due to physical/emotional pain, this is why my patience wears thin and I feel irked.

I do love volunteering but within the parameters that I'm comfortable with. Just because I'm helping others, it doesn't mean I have to serve myself up to be scrutinised or disrespected.

#BlogLife245 - Too boring to blog

I guess I worry sometimes that because my life isn't one big outdoorsy adventure, it might be uninteresting to most. 

The majority are probably sharing tales about parties and get-together's and I'm talking about food, movies or pain..

Then I try to flip it over and think, well there are others like me in the world, trying to find someone relatable that they can take comfort in hearing about and maybe that's my demographic?

Or it could be that someone is trying to get into blogging or fiction and think I might be useful in that sense?

I'm not really sure why you follow or peruse my blog but happy to welcome you all the same.

One of the hardest things is constantly being told I'm not sick and should be able to do this, that and the other. It's just an ongoing fight to be recognised as chronically ill when even the doctors are dismissive.

It's gotten to the point I don't even try to argue anymore. I just say look I know what I can and can't do and if you try to force me, you'll see what happens to my body and my delicate frame of mind.

You think I'm mild mannered now, wait and see how I unfold when I'm crippled in agony and no longer at peace.

I guess the other thing is that my life does tend to be a tad soap-opera-ish. There always seems to be something peculiar on the radar.

I am comping a tiny bit more. Possibly to get a bit more balance than just writing. The volunteering is still there, but it's not as busy.

I feel like people have gotten fed up with the frequent crashes and migrated elsewhere. I can't blame them because I get frustrated too, trying to support someone and suddenly I'm offline or my responses aren't displayed.

I guess I knew this but the only position I can actually stand and not be wincing in pain is lying on my bed. I can't sit/stand/walk/bend for long.

Plus even when lounging on my bed, my elbows, hands and hips are tender but still the best place for me. It's where I get the least pain.

I suppose my point is with blogging there is something for everyone and if there isn't, then go and create it and share your voice with others.

It's only petrifying at first and then you'll love it. It's just making the time for it and writer's block to contend with.

#BlogLife238 - It's the electrician

Just as I had changed back into house clothes and was relaxing.. Tap tap. The door goes again.

I thought the plumber had left something behind but it was the electrician doing upgrades. Ugh. He said he tried to call yesterday and I don't know if my phone blocked it.

I now have an appointment tomorrow morning 9ish to sort out the wiring and doorbell/buzzer intercom system. I swear they did this last year and said it was all fine and didn't need improving.

I'm dealing with another company though, perhaps they have more money to splash, so much for trying to take it easy.

It's probably better that all the meetings are on the same day, then I can finally unwind Friday, onwards.

I was going to put off the washing but I've just set it and sprained my hand in the meantime. I didn't want to make two trips so I carried the heavy sheets and the rest of it by hand.

I love that comfort smell the best, it lingers and is just the right amount of strength. Blue skies, I think it's called.

I've just tried out the Himalaya mask. Ugh it's in the form of a scrub and I specifically read it and it didn't mention it was also grainy.

I hate those, now I'll be finding bits on my face all night, as it doesn't wash off properly.

It smells flowery and sweet. It's lovely actually and my face already feels mostly smooth and deeply cleansed.

In the morning, my skin has less dry areas and I feel like a few more uses of the mask will fix my face.

I don't think I would buy it again. I don't think scrubs are great for faces anyway, they are too harsh or maybe it is just my combination dry/oily complexion.

I was getting recommendations from the sales girl and I said my only stipulation was no peel-off versions and she was smiling saying. 

Yea I never use those either, too scary :D

The electricians finally showed up at 11am (2 hours late) I was just cooking breakfast. I was hoping that they wouldn't disconnect everything but I guess they needed free sockets so my wifi is no more.

Luckily I have 6gb of free data per month to use, as they will be here, until maybe 1pm or 2pm but there was no definitive time estimate.

I didn't have time to eat so will do it later. It was salmon herb puffs and I just add some sweet chilli sauce on top and it's lush.

I did manage to grab some chilled vimto and haribo sweets so my stomach isn't totally empty.

I'm just letting the washing dry in my room. I'm not sure if they need access but we'll see and I just realised, they are going to create a mess on the freshly mopped floors :(

Oh and I finally unkinked the duvet so it's all smooth. I had a tiny nausea wave but that's passed. My hand still hurts but that's to be expected.

I just have to look for my short fast charger so I can plug it into the laptop as the battery is low, except. I have no idea where I stored it...

I found the chargers and at 1.40pm, they are finally done. Nearly 3 hours and they just barged in, during one of my volunteer chats.

I feel so bad. I hate when people do that, especially to women. You knock and wait, you don't just invite yourself in. Grr. 

This is why I am wary of these maintenance people, that are typically male. They don't respect boundaries at all and it just makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

I have had a few cross the line before and it's just so much better when they are gone!

I had to say brb and then it was a further 20 minutes, until they were actually done.

The person is probably long and it was there first time using it. Arghh, insult to injury. I'll hang around in case they return but I doubt it.

I hope they get someone else who makes them feel better. The one thing these workmen did, as there were 3 of them, was clean up after themselves and take their rubbish with them.

I really did appreciate that a lot, as some don't bother. Plus both my hands are tender and I am not in the mood to do anything at all.

One last visitor to go at 3pm-6pm and then I can just breathe again.

I'm going to eat my salmon puffs and watch The Conners. If you haven't seen this weeks Call Me Kat episode, that is a spicy tale!!

The other appointment turned up at about 5pm as I was munching again and just gave me this form to fill, where they will return for a further appointment next Thursday, good grief.

I thought I was getting everything out of the way for peace and quiet but no matter.

Now I'm going to get some quotes to declutter my room and mop the floors, for this weekend and then I can take it easy as that's the last thing on my to-do list.

#AgonyLife10 - Dear SS Why am I such a bitch/bastard to my volunteer? *Contains strong language* (fictiony)

Firstly I appreciate you owning up to that. It could not have been easy to admit who and what you are to not only moi but the rest of the world.

Secondly isn't that more of a question for you to self reflect over?

I don't know your story and I'm sure your volunteer is trying their best.

You are obviously in need of some support so why would you readily antagonise the one person, trying to be there for you, for free?

This volunteer is not being paid a salary, they are not just there to take your crap to make you feel better.

Their purpose is to give up some of their free time and see if they can make a difference in your life.

They are human beings talking without a script, delving into the unknown.

I'm not saying be smiley and gushy. Be in that valid emotion, angry, sad, happy, whatever but don't dare take your shitty attitude out on someone innocent.

Furthermore. I hate to break it to you, no actually I am loving it. Your life is less than perfect. It is a catastrophe.

Your volunteer's life isn't sunshine and roses either but unlike you, she has real problems and deals with it gracefully.

She helps herself and addresses the issues that arises. She isn't an immature baby that is falling apart.

Think about that, while you are continually shouting abuse and saying No No No...

You don't know what you are talking about, you haven't focused on my calamities.

Newsflash whiny person, the volunteer has.. You are just to self absorbed to realise it.

While you crumple in your stagnant demeanour I am off relaxing and humming to music.

Lastly I actually would have spent however much time you needed hearing you out and offering up some really useful suggestions but you lost out.

Maybe the next person will be better, possibly not. They might just go through the motions.

A lot of them clock watch, 15-20 minutes and say goodbyeeee, me I try to give more. Oh well...... 

Sucks to be you!!! 

Now you'll realise the difference between someone that cares and someone going through the motions. 

Pity it's too late!! 

The funny thing is, it was an easy doable fix, you're just to lazy to do it and prefer to be a dick and throw an adult tantrum!!!

Ps. 

I guess the above is my thoughts swirling inside my head. 

Just because your life, of your own making is a disappointment, don't expect me to play therapist!!

If you are that desperate, seek a genuine psychiatrist, you obviously think you are being short changed.

They won't tolerate your pathetic excuses though.

I was on your side willing to listen and help but what do you do to show your thanks?

You don't show me any respect, don't listen and can't even try to understand how I was trying to assist you.

FUCK OFF!

You are lucky I can't say this to you and I never actually would but not being able to call someone out on their bs is difficult, being someone that has been abused a lot.

The horrendous part of all of this is that after taking your bullshit, the volunteer has to then politely end the conversation.

It's like showing respect to someone monstrous. I hate that part!!!

#BlogLife124 - Confident? Yes I am/No I am not!

 Morning all :)

Words have just been circulating in my head for new posts but none of it made sense until just now. How can someone be both confident and insecure?

*Shrugs* Do you know? Are you that person? I know I am. There are just instances where I am totally out of my depth and just faking that I know what I am talking about.

Pseudo confidence or just winging it? Either is acceptable because I am trying to test out my knowledge and see if I can be comfortable in that area.

When it comes to people, talking to them, being around them, I am split. On one hand, with the volunteering I nail it most of the time.

I don't even have any experiences with what they are talking about but I know what to suggest. I know instinctively what to say, I feel it and I can just help them.

It still baffles me because I shouldn't know about any of it, not having first hand knowledge but somehow each chat I take it just bubbles in my brain and before I can fully grasp it, I am typing out some interesting options.

On the other hand in my personal life. I try to have these connections and I just fail miserably. Then it just becomes ever more difficult to pursue them.

It starts off okay and then I test the waters with some spanners and it falls apart. I'm not sure if it is me or them at this point.

Possibly both of us? What I do know is that I like myself and as sad as the outcome invariably is, in these situations with the tests. I'm glad I run them to see who is my type of acquaintance and who is not.

The tests never lie and they have proven to be very fruitful. I feel so much safer knowing I have a plan in place to ensure my safety and that I can stop myself from spilling too much into the wrong source.

Things I like about me :-

My face, especially brows/lips/nose

My legs

My chest

My humour

My brains

My creativity

My writing/fiction/blogging/storytelling

My hands

My voice

My giggle

My imagination

My confidence

My arrogance

My fight

My resourcefulness

My flexibility in adapting

Things I do not like about me :-

My inner critic

My belly

My thighs

My eyes/eyesight

My arms

My clumsiness

My negativity

My impatience

My temper

Excess hair growth

My doubts

My confusion that I still don't know myself

The whole purpose of this is that I am not scared to point out my plus and minus qualities. I am not trying to love every lil thing but neither am I determined to stay disliking certain areas.

I just want to celebrate what I value in me and form a lil less distaste when I think about what I don't see as positive.

#BlogLife96 - Will it get easier?

I got home not too long ago and I am exhausted and achey and sore but I feel great. I haven't spoken much about Corona because everyone has hammered that topic to death..

However today I may just touch upon a few things. I am so used to wearing the face mask and having that level of protection that it is weird to see less and less people wearing them.

Even on the bus there was a guy who casually just had his completely off and I kept looking around to see if the rules had changed but nope, still mandatory.

I think it is only necessary for indoors and not outdoors but I still find myself keeping mine on, even though it is difficult to breathe and walk.

I don't even bother with any makeup at all now. I used to love lip gloss and eye shadow and foundation but now I just feel my face is covered, so what is the point?

I did manage to get my bread but there was no interesting sandwich fillers available so I have cheese at home to make do.

I'm so glad the sun was shining brightly today. I just wore grey casual trousers and a beautiful bright purple top. It felt summery to me for the first time :)

I will also find out if I properly completed the volunteer program while I was incapacitated. I have to tally the number and see if I did enough conversations and write about what I learned from it....

And then if I qualified I will get a cool certificate :D I have a feeling I will start back, when I return home from my break. Wish me luck...

Oh and a special shout out to Craig who gave me my first ever real comment. It is most appreciated. I was going to wait until I had replies set up but I have no idea how to do that so I will just make a new comment as a reply.

#BlogLife94 - Unfinished business

I've been thinking about what my next steps should be. What I do now realise is that having time for myself again makes a huge difference to my mood and I missed that.

I just need to find a balance. I really don't think I want to be an official mentor and listen to the same thing over and over again. I don't want to start the volunteer program again and be pressured into taking a set number daily either.

What I think I want to do is ease back into volunteering but be more rigid with my time, instead of being flexible where I stay and get completely mentally exhausted..

I reckon I will enforce a time limit where I can be transparent and not feel guilty anymore. I just always get to the point where I feel locked in and obligated to eat up my time and I'm not happy.

I would rather just be strict, the problem with that is, in a way, I will still be stuck, if the chat is taxing. I have spent hours before and that doesn't leave me with time to do things I enjoy.

I neglect myself and my needs and cater to others and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm going to calculate my total number of chats and write my summary and then that will done.

After that I can casually start back with the volunteer chats and only with the ones that I feel comfortable with, plus if I do it on a variety of topics that should mix it up.

It took me a long time but at least now I have a plan. I've avoided socialising with the fellow members because I didn't want to get sucked back in before I was really ready.

Others have this figured out but I didn't. I know that for me to be creative, stress has to step aside and I can't be drained so if everything can co-exist together, I will be happy and content.

#BlogLife91 - I am imperfect!

I am totally imperfect - but that is okay for me. I like being human and full of bad habits and shortcomings.

It was not acceptable for those around me, friends and family who expected me to be just like them. They didn't make me feel as though I could discover my own identity.

I was supposed to twist myself around in knots and become them. To totally change my personality and figure and be skinny and popular.

For a while I did try because when someone is constantly critiquing you, they eventually get inside your head and live there.

I forced myself to diet and not eat and not drink because it was too calorific. I hung out with people that were cold and distant and tried to make them like me.

I did all of that and was miserable and it still wasn't satisfying their need to alter their perception of me.

I eventually stepped back and in the middle of my crisis realised that I needed to make peace with myself.

It took a while but after some time passed, I just analysed everything and I did. Now I try not to let people have any influence over me, except if it is positive.

I am now fully recovered from my strain and when I told someone, you know, my volunteering is officially over.

The first thing they said wasn't, well done, good for you for completing it. It was....

Wow, so soon? Can't you do more of it?

I realised that although I am better. I actually do need a break from it. 

The stress of being upbeat and perky 24-7 and trying to be patient with people that think it's okay to do nothing but throw tantrums has taken it's toll on me!

I kept trying to take these same chats and putting pressure on myself to do it because I felt like it was expected not because I actually wanted to do it.

That is what I am going to do now. A much needed vacation from helping others and some self care and focusing on rejuvenating myself.

I feel lighter already :)