#BlogLife1095 - Robinson's fruit shoot ice poles

I'm still waiting for Mr Freeze ice poles to come back in stock, better flavour and more value but in the meantime I'm trying Robinson's..

Although it would be nice if Mr Freeze returns the limited edition blue raspberry, the greatest slush puppy flavour ever..

Anyway so far a mixed bag, the orange version tastes artificial and flavourless, not like real orange, disappointing.

The apple however does taste nice, genuine apple, so a weird quality bag.

I don't know if it's just orange and then the apple one, or is there a mixed fruit one?

I thought there would be more flavours.. Would I buy it again? Probably not unless I was desperate, it certainly helps to keep my water icy with a hint of flavour for longer..

I was definitely hoping for the blackcurrant type. Ahh just checked the freezer, there is more, summer berries, I've not tried and the apple and blackcurrant is very very light but okish..

I had a horrid night. I just could not sleep for some reason. I think about 5/6am or later I finally drifted off for a few hours, ugh..

I was so tempted to get up but I desperately wanted rest. I have things to do and no energy for it.

I guess depending on what time I get back tomorrow I might do a same day grocery order or might leave it for Wednesday..

My stocks are running low but tomorrow hmm, I'll see about a top up shop, or maybe I'll order food.

I was looking on Just Eat and none of the grocery stores on there, actually hardly any restaurants are excepting cash payments..

Only my sushi place, a Chinese localish and a kebab place, which had rumbaba on the menu, holy moly, what a treat..

Tesco is also doing the baklawa selection but it looks different, I'm not sure the small store would have it.

With the intense heat, lack of sleep and general soreness, it's difficult to do much.

So I can make all the idealistic plans I want but actually going from store to store is a challenge..

I opened the Ryvita crackers yesterday, just with butter or cheese and I didn't mind it, somewhat tasteless but good for you, as opposed to white cream crackers.

I would get it again, because the toppings make a difference to it.

Plus I still have weight to lose but it's getting there, slowly but surely.

Tomorrow morning, I'll meet Mama and will probably be late on purpose, I hate going to a place, where I don't have the cash to pay for stuff, I feel like a thief..

But the pedicures and massages will be fun and then whenever I feel up to it, I will get my brows done.

It's lunchtime already, I have one bagel left. I might do a meatball version with some cheese, cut or break them in half.

I've not tried that with a bagel. There's so many lil things I need to get..

Some slippers, a new foundation, a new beach towel, a new makeup bag, because the old one, something leaked and it's sticky..

I need to top up my oyster travel card and then I will think about sniffing out a bargain for the mud mask and a proper moisturiser.

But if I can't get good deals, I will leave it. For the first time in years, I might be overdrawn because UC is having fun and games, with making the repayment, higher and higher..

And it's cutting into my careful groceries/bills budget. Mama is giving me some birthday/Christmas cash so I'll use some of it, to deposit for the bills.

Friday is the UC appointment, and if it's weekly, I can't visit her, I'll see how it goes, unless they give me a phone appointment..

Her and my birthdays are upcoming and it's not my favourite time..

It highlighted how awkward I was or became and that I could not connect with people because I was labelled "unacceptable."

But this month, no matter how I feel, I try to be good to myself and take care of my needs because I deserve it.

I have no idea what to get Mama, aside from the baklawa, ooh maybe truffles??

I will browse that international store for inspiration.. I've always tried to spoil her, even when money was tight.

I want my appetite to return. She said she has some goodies for me, probably what she bought back from her holidays.

As well as the pakora recipe, I found another one that looked interesting, this is a dessert/snack one.

If we do get together and decide to make them. I shall try and take some photos, we are not experts so it might not look the way it should.

My hands are dreading cooking, the pain of it.... But maybe the results will be worth it?

#BlogLife1089 - Uncover me

I am struggling to stay awake, it's just before 1pm and my eyes are closing, a perfect time to write and hope it makes sense..

I tried the rice salad. I don't know why I thought it was rice pasta salad but still with the veggies included, it was tasty.

Probably needed chicken but I guess for a snack, it was fine. I wasn't that hungry, just wanted to line my tum with a bit of food and this did it because I'm kinda fake full.

Hormonally bloated so seems like I'm stuffed but could be in an hour or so I will munch again, instead of in a few hours, that's more typical of my hunger.

I hate how my hands randomly shake, I wasn't paying attention and the food just shook everywhere, grr, it was only a tiny bit though.

I'm looking up random dessert recipes on youtube, no chance I will cook, but some are way easier than I thought they would be.

I don't know why I'm fighting a nap, this is the perfect time for one..

I did have a nap and felt better for it and still slept kinda ok, last night.

Oof what a morning, the face wash stung my eyes. I don't know how to stop it going into my eyes but I repeatedly flushed them so it wasn't too bad.

Then my contacts lens, went in and then popped out, I couldn't find it, maybe took 30 minutes looking and what made it worse, was no natural light, it was so dark.

I gave up and then shook a towel and there it was, I was so happy and relieved, although I do have one spare.

I put it in and out it popped again, ugh, re-found it though and now I can see properly.

Goodness. Oh we are having extreme heat warnings at the moment, I don't listen to the news but yea extra hot...

I wonder how the Market is? Even the horrid noisy neighbours are quiet, good, peace!!

I wonder if Monday's UC appointment, will be cancelled? Be nice to have a phone one, but like I said, they are too self absorbed to do that.

Hmm I have to adapt as I don't have burger buns. I'll just use toast and make a sandwich that way.

Oh the fruit should have defrosted, I can pop some in the yoghurt, yum.

I wonder if it has a natural sweetness, ugh, I hope so, that's what I interpret from Greek style but who knows?

One of them was honey infused but it was too sweet, that was years ago.

That will be a refreshing cold dessert when the heat gets really bad this afternoon.

Although I miss cornettos and the milk lollies, so fun too eat. I'll see how the budget goes next week.

I do like yoghurt though, I was going to get almond granola, they stopped the other nutty one and I crave nuts, but it's a luxury that doesn't last long.

Excuse the delay, the laptop keeps freezing when it overheats, the laptop tray doesn't keep it cool.

I could replace it but with what money?

#BlogLife1078 - Refreshing rainy joy

Song of the day - When I'm Good and Ready - Sybil

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYx7zV-IcB4&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=3

I was looking forward to the pasta but now I've lost my appetite. I forgot to mention the UC appointment was smooth, didn't wait that long and it wasn't the usual person.

So no headaches really, I counted my change and had enough for pakoras or pizza and wings but I can't help thinking, save it for emergencies.

Such a strange day, really humid indoors so I didn't walk with a jacket, but it was drizzling lightish with heavy intermissions.

It wasn't cold at all, and pretty funny to see some in jackets, some in shorts, some cowering under shop umbrellas from the light rain.

I decided to wear this top I've never worn, black and white, lace sleeves and flowers I think..

Of course now it's baggy on me but it's nice. I wore a tshirt and a long thin top underneath and I was fine.

The rain was refreshing, I tilted my head upwards because I spent the morning thinking, I want to vomit.

I wonder if I'll get any grocery substitutions? The laptop was going berserk today, it wouldn't stay on the page.

I'm not tired but my body would love to lay down and do nothing.

If I put the blankie on, I think I would suffocate unfortunately. I think the binaurals numbed me or lessened the pain.

I ended up dancing as I was putting away the groceries, it all came and as I peeled off the burger sauce lid and tasted it.....

Boom it took me back to my childhood vacationing in Iceland.

That so-called mustard sauce I was introduced too, but reassured I would love, was indeed a burger sauce, so mystery solved.

Mustard is strong and bitter.

The sauce I bought.. It's too sweet, sharp but not in too bad a way, less sugar would help, but it is nice.

The other brand is less sugary, Hellman's maybe? I am so sleepy and my eyes have this glue thing happening.

Foggy and blurry, the eye drops are not helping. They are just dry.

Well I had a late night but I was shattered and I think I fell asleep quicker than normal.

I got up at 10am which is perfect, my body feels less strained. I think the pain has all gone, thankfully.

Rest and the binaurals worked, I played them all day and although, it didn't seem it did much...

It probably worked like an invisible massage. I'm so relieved I did the grocery shopping yesterday, so I could sleep in today.

We didn't have rain for ages and now it's sprinkling off and on, glorious :)

#BlogLife1061 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 24 - The Family Business

Two things, I haven't heard anything from Mama, she could have emailed to say she arrived safely.. Pfft whatever.

Crap how have I already forgotten the other thing? Oh yea, I  found another show to binge.

It's from 2018 and it's called The Family Business, again it reminds me of another show but I can't think of it.

I love Ernie Hudson, I think usually he's playing the good guy, not so much in this..

Roughly it's about a gangstery, criminal family and I suppose, each member are trying to find their place in it?

I'm mainly interested in the female characters, I want them to find love and happiness and all that mushy stuff..

(By the way, eating is a massive chore when you're not hungry).

I'm only still eating the fries slowly because one, it's settled my tum and two, they'll get stale quickly.

My preference is the pakoras but later..

Anyway back to the show, Ernie plays the head, the Papa, Mr intimidating criminal, smuggling drugs or guns, I forget already because that doesn't interest me ha.

He seems to have a good marriage, which is unusual, I thought he'd be a cheater.

I think he's more impressed with the sons, even though they make mistakes, rather than the daughters, typical crap..

The youngest one is tough but crazy lol. I don't really understand the mentality of having her followed and dragged back home, when she's dating and more..

But the sons/acquaintances can hire escorts, sleep around, cheat/beat on their wives and noone bats an eye???

So she's the one that interests me the most and her sister is judgy too but she just had an affair lol.

Hilarious stuff and then the family friend is secretly a mole lol.

Whenever a new romantic love interest comes along, I always hope it's genuine, but it's typically not lol.

I'm gutted my favourite was either fired or left, it just seemed like a blah ending, no real fanfare considering she was a main character..

It's not as interesting now but I wonder if she will return with an update?

It's 8.30am and they are due anytime, which is nerve wracking. I was up at 6/7am and probably slept around 1/2am..

I didn't mop and should have but the pmt, lack of proper sleep and hand/back pain is all climbing so I don't have it in me.

I've opened the windows and took out the bins, tidied but I still feel guilty for not doing more.

The worst thing was I should have been playing the hand pain binaurals but it slipped my mind, it might have been cured by now.

Who knows if they will even show up this time? I'm charging my phone but kept it on.

I don't know if they will text or call to say I'm next or they are on their way...

Or maybe, I'll be stood up again? Oh and I need to call and pay my rent and ask the exact amount due and report it to UC..

But it's too early and I forgot yesterday. I don't know if I should put the blankie on for the pain.

It's not cold or warm.. Oh and I tried those hazelnut cookies.. Um it's the right amount of sweetness.

Just like a nutella spread inside, I prefer it crunchier, not soft so I stuck it in the fridge.

I don't think I would buy it again but it was interesting to sample for something new and different.

Back to the show as I've nearly finished it, so many skeletons. Junior is not their son, well his Aunt Donna is his Mama and his Papa is his Papa....

Then there is a third triplet, not twins? Good grief.

Then the aftermath of Junior being told this makes him snap and turn on everyone that lied to him.

I get him being mad at the family, but mad at his wifey Sonya? That confuses me, she's always been a total sweetheart.

So him being nasty to her and cheating, is so strange. Disrespect, unfaithfulness is my dealbreaker..

Anyway Paris did eventually come back in season 4 I think. I'm glad, I liked her, even though she was a hothead.

I wondered how it would unfold, she found out Niles was a hitman, she's a killer too..

Turns out, that wasn't a dealbreaker, I forgot she lied about her name and his next victim, was her Papa....

She could have so easily told him, you can't accept this job, but she went rogue and bombed his hotel.....

Only he didn't die lol and he decided to haunt her, sending her beautiful blue roses..

Their reunion was fun but sad, he was going to propose, aww..

He said, You could have just told me and I wouldn't have done it and by the way, I still love you....

And then after he left, she confessed she still loves him too.... Seems like her first real heartbreak..

#BlogLife1047 - Eclair cupcake hybrid?

I'm eating small meals and got around to that concoction I bought. I'll look up the name. (Chocolate butterflies).

But it just looked so funky, a cross between an eclair and a cupcake? Never seen that before.

That's exactly what it tasted like, weird, but really good. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to freeze it because it's got cream in it?

And that got solid but although it looked small on Twitter, it's quite substantial.

I don't think I can face further munching, maybe a handful of the sour cream dill crisps later on.

I've taken off my makeup and hung up the clothes and the washing.

Feels really good to lounge on the bed while the cramps come and go and the earbuds act up grr.

I didn't get fizzies, just orange juice, I think it helped because I didn't feel sick anymore just weak and tired.

Just a quick update. Since P didn't say a thing regarding the photo, hours passed and there was just like reaction type thing.

He wasn't relentlessly asking, just a few times, anyway it pisses me off when they don't say anything.

It makes me think they are finding a way to block me or give me the speech.

I'd rather it was mature. You're not my type, no offence. I don't think we should talk..

But usually it's the speech........ Oh heavens. There's been major family drama, I can't be on the internet....

Goodbye forever....... Lol! Dopes!

So I gave him an out, I said I don't mind being rejected, it won't be a big deal.

And his reply to that was.....What are you on about?

Yeesh could I have been any clearer? So as my revenge, because he's still chatting, just with huge gaps..

Was to go and delete my picture. For him too, apparently that's an option... Ha...

I wonder if he'll notice and if he does. I'll just tell the truth, not that he doesn't deserve it but he didn't comment, so it's irrelevant it being there.

Plus I wanna pat myself on the back for being courageous too! I just boom, went ahead and did it.

And to be fair, I did say I didn't want one of him. I'm rarely attracted. Although I think if you have balls, you insist, listen fair is fair, I've seen you, you should see me too..

He could still ghost me tomorrow and you'll find out this week ha.

But at least if he sent one. I'd say he was nice looking but not the right fit for me.

He already said he has facial hair and that's never my type. The next step is to stop staring at my phone and checking for messages..

Come on SS, distract yourself! Well it's a new day and he's still messaging.

Ha I just let them initiate contact. He literally asked if I was up, this morning. He didn't say goodnight yesterday and he usually does.

And I said Yes been up ages. Then he said Why didn't you message me? So funny.

I told him I thought he was still asleep or busy with work. So my inkling is correct..

He's not noticed that my image isn't there anymore. I get the impression he's bored and keeping me around for entertainment until someone viable comes along.

But that's the thing. I'm using him right back. He keeps saying Don't get attached to me, I know you are/will..

With me, it takes such a long time to build trust, to be comfortable, to open up and work out how I'm feeling, that by that time, they have come and gone..

I don't see myself getting hung up on him but he is really funny, down to earth and good company.

But when someone gives the impression, they are not going to invest in you, I back off and shut down the potential.

I'm not getting hurt. I want someone to care. I'm not interested in a one way mingling.

And I feel like although he's too cowardly to say, I'm only in it for a short team meaningless fling, it seems like he's dropping hints, implying it indirectly.

So I've been straightforward and told him, if someone doesn't care about me, I don't care about them.

And I could walk away easily and not care much that it was over.

I dunno if he's used to women getting obsessed but that's pretty arrogant to say......

Liking me is inevitable....I myself try not to be too conceited but my voice always gets complimented.

Ok I snapped today. He's barely talking, long gaps and then 3/4 hours passed and my reply was undelivered.. In the evening..

Suspicious. So I thought f off! Chicken and just blocked him on discord and to be honest downloaded telegram for him said our calls weren't clear, pft.

Blocked his ass on that too and deleted it. Woop. I didn't say, goodbye, because what's the point?

Messages aren't delivering. I bet he blocked me. Although last seen is still there, seen recently yet undelivered, hmm.. Shady.

It basically just felt as though it was a slow ghost, he was waiting for me to block him.

You don't go from chatting a lot, to barely communicating, without something being wrong.

I've already moved on ha. Randoms are easy to replace :)

I'm not in as much pain. No real cramps. I've ordered the shop for tomorrow and am eager to try wholemeal chapatis.

I think they are brown, they look it. Please be a real roti and not a bland wrap.

There is a huge taste between the two.

#BlogLife997 - I'm on a retro binge

I remembered that there was two Ricki Lake movies that stuck with me Babycakes and Mrs Winterbourne.

Both had that ring of naivete, where you think you know it all, think you're a grown up and then realise, you don't know jack about life and men and what makes you happy..

I guess my stories are me putting myself out there but from a safe distance and waiting for someone to come along and shut me down again..

That's my fear someone will confirm my fears and say.. Listen chicky you can't cut it as a writer, you don't have that flair.

You're limited in your abilities and frankly I just don't see the substance there..

But I am just going to carry on as I am, with all the varied topics and stories.

I have to remember to cancel the prime trial before the 6th January as that's when they charge me.

I couldn't think how the movies ended soo I wanted to see if she ended up happy in the end, I'm not going to spoil it.

I love Thursday's it's when Looney Tunes World of Mayhem puts out their new event and it's all shiny and new and different for a bit.

I usually sleep early on New Years Eve, there's nothing to keep me up, I think by 11amish I was tired..

Unfortunately I forgot about the loud long fireworks that lasted for ages and that kept me up for a bit.

I slept, woke, slept woke for most of the night, but got a few long hours here and there, with odd odd dreams.

So by 9amish, I'm typically waking up slowly and forcing myself out of bed to put on the heating and blankie.

I don't know if I should try to cut my hair again, it's misbehaving and won't fall nicely.

I don't know whether to do a grocery shop either, I have most things now and I'm not sure I need too.

I'll look and decide later. A new year is when you hope things will improve.

I just can't help thinking, it will be the same. I can try and change my mindset, manoeuvre and push past it, attempt to be stronger..

Or promise I'll put out my stories and spoofs, some more lighthearted stuff but I don't know if I will.

There's so much hanging on my shoulders burdening me down and I can't just forget and say la di da, let's push you aside and pretend everything is normal because it isn't.

And that doesn't seem a healthy way to exist anyway.

I guess the most I can do is have hope that there is inner strength inside me, to be able to deal with everything thrown at me.

It feels relentless and like I'm failing at the solutions, I fix this and then it doesn't take or something else happens and I think cripes, I was finally relaxing, content that I did the right thing and now I have to do something else..

But that's life for you, challenging this way and that and you don't have to be capable all the time.

It is ok to crumble and falter and admit, Hey world, I'm not dealing with this well at all.

It's difficult but afterwards you have to find a way to pick yourself up or lean on others, ( I don't lean, but if possible, you should).

P texted me at midnight to wish my a Happy New Year. It was sweet, I'm not sure I was in the mood but I did reply and I didn't want to wake Mama incase she was asleep so I texted her late in the morning as she said she wanted a lay in.

I tried the Kellog's chocolate cornflakes bar, the cornflakes bit is great but it has this weird white coating.

I didn't know if it was white chocolate, yoghurt or what, it turns out it's milk...

Hmm, I can do without that, it spoils it with a peculiar taste. I wish they had not have tried to be clever and added it in, where it didn't need extras.

#BlogLife992 - Bad truffle

Oops I don't think the truffles I bought for Mama were well received...

She said they were ok, really hard shell but soft centre. I got to look up the name so I don't buy them again.

I thought they would be softer like ferreros. Cocoa Loco, that was it, pricey too.

Oh well, I'm not sweating it, as I got her Divine and fudge so, it's not all bad.

That's why it's good to buy a bunch of things and hedge your bets, plus she's fussy and hard to please so at least with old favourites, she's happy.

Actually I have to ask her if she liked the Divine bar.

Anyway a funny exhausting day, I was fighting with the roll of bin liner sacks as they were stuck together and for half an hour, I could not pry them apart.

I swear this roll is thinner, eventually it ripped and I just tore off a new one.

I could not stop craving chocolate, it could be hormone related, around this time, it's what I go for.

I was looking for Black Magic chocolates, a dark mix of varied fillings but no joy.

In the end I was going to get some sandwiches and a drink, forgot about the drink, and because it's Bank Holidays, off course no daily sandwiches are brought in.

So that was a bust, I got some beef bolognese and a cheese burger.

Plus...... Crisps, although 1x was sold out. Oh and I saw chicken spring rolls, but they sent me veggy ones, so I asked for a refund and I got it.

But the main goodies were Cadbury Bournville hazelnut bar £2.25 100g.

I don't think I've tried that. I think that is a hot chocolate brand..

Also M&M's £2.30 for a 112g bag and finally Quality Street 550g which I expected to be tiny somehow..

And ended up as a huge box for £5.45, it was the cheapest box I could find ha.

Why did I order so many chocolates? I wanted to make sure at least one was in stock.

They don't tell you until after you've ordered, when they are preparing it.

All that will last ages because my appetite isn't fully back but I can pick at bits and pieces and not have to do a major shop.

Although at some point, I will need bins ha.

I know this is calorific and everyone who struggles with their weight battles with indulgence.

Should I? Shouldn't I? Family, friends, colleagues all nagging you to relax and just eat whatever recklessly..

And you might do it and feel guilty afterwards.. Or you might say, Look I can justify it because I'm exercising and generally being careful most of the time so I can afford to treat myself.

There isn't really a right or wrong path. What I've personally learned is continued binging doesn't suit me.

Starving myself isn't healthy but having occasional treats here and there, lessens the intense cravings.

Aside from when I'm bloating and cannot tell if I am hungry or full..

It took me getting out of my head, trying to dictate myself, what I'm supposed to do....

Versus, what is the normal and doable thing because now I can have a big or small meal..

Have snacks, good or bad ones and still maintain continued weightloss, which way back when I started, seemed impossible.

I felt like no matter what I did, I put on the pounds and stones and it's frustrating and disheartening, to keep trying your best and failing at it.

Everyone has to figure out what will help them, some join slimming clubs and the support of doing it with others or sharing struggles or tips, can be beneficial.

I thought about it, but paying for something like that, to be embarrassed or shamed, was not my cup of tea.

I don't really know what finally spurred me into action really. I think I was just unhappy generally and wanted to wear cute clothes in a smaller size and have the ability to walk into any store, see my size and think yea....

That will suit me. I did a bunch of pointless things and then found my routine.

What could I do without? What is a smarter choice? Maybe late night munching isn't good for me..

Hmm I didn't mean to get so rambly. I'm quite pleased Asda and Sainsbury found my address without me having to go outside.

Asda handed me the stuff in their own proper plastic bag. I love that, normally it's paper or thin bags, but this is a sturdy reusable one.

I'll let you know when I try it, what I thought of the Cadbury bar.

I know it's Friday and a Bank Holiday, I feel like I should be doing something lol.

Oh darn it. That's the thing I really wanted, nuts, specifically almonds and cashews, love those and I forgot, Oh well..

#BlogLife978 - Soupy

As Iceland seemed to be sold out of all the tissues, no substitutes given, I had to do a mini zoom shop.

They were sold out of a few things I wanted like the Badedas shampoo but I did see the red Christmassy radox soak.

Also they've re-added sushi back to the £5 lunch deal but it was sold out. I got a beef sandwich instead, no egg or chicken available as I shopped late.

The tissues were on offer 2x £2.65 and I got a nivea cheap moisturiser 75ml for £2.55.

Plus the Convent Garden chicken soup was on sale 2x £3.50 and they cost £2.55 each.

I know I've bought it before, I hope I liked it, I didn't fancy the other flavours.

Oh yea that was odd, one of Mama's gift was delivered by a courier, on a Sunday..

It was the Divine dark bar fruit and nut. We both like divine and she doesn't mind fruits so before I could warn her it was coming, she opened it ha.

I mean I did look at most of the gifts she got me, bed socks, shampoo, gift card, cheetos, kisses, other stuff..

I just need slippers and maybe some fun scratchcards for Mama.

I can't believe I threw up again today, 4th time in 2 weeks.  I just can't seem to control the nausea, even the anti sickness video didn't work.

I feel generally fine, a bit bloated and tired but the nausea is coming and going, one day fine, the next day consumed by it.

I'm sure there are more things I need to buy, but it's slipped my mind for the moment.

Ohhh toothpaste and mouthwash.

Anyway just heated up the soup, enough for 2/3 portions. I remember when I was younger using soup instead of a hot drink to warm me up.

The cup of soup sachets. Slim a soup was my favourite chicken one, not because it was low calorie, it was really tasty and light.

The Covent Garden one reminds me of it the closest. It's light, lil creamy, delicate blend of flavours.

Onion, potato, chicken, cream, garlic, salt, black pepper ha. I don't really taste potato.

And I'm not especially hungry today, that's why I'm going light but filling.

I'm sipping it like cocoa. It's freezing today, it was quite sunny earlier but so cold that it doesn't feel like the heating is on or the blankie.

I would definitely get this again. I should be more adventurous and branch out to others.

I hate wasting money on food though.

Oof I feel the pmt bloating symptoms. Sorry I'm posting this late, I totally forgot to be honest.

Oh all of Mama's gifts are delivered apart from the praline truffles and dying to find out, if she likes them..

She said while the postie is delivering to the wrong address I can send it to her place for the meantime.

I'm not sure what to spend her giftcard on. A new coat? A new thicker nightie?

Slippers? Socks? Lip balm? Eye drops? or ankle booties. Hmm I've no idea.

#BlogLife963 - Quietness

I know I'm supposed to be a chatty blogger but it's difficult at present, there's too many things swirling in my mind, so I've retreated.

The landlord's bugging me about this boiler non mandatory appointment, they say reach out only if you're free and yet bombard you anyway.

If I don't need to have male strangers in my home I won't volunteer and what if there is a creepy bunch of them??

No thank you!!

I wanted to do a grocery shop for tomorrow but as they are lurking aggressively unannounced I'll save it for the weekend, usually they don't come around then.

I could agree and get it over with but I'm not feeling charitable, I feel tender and vulnerable.

Not in the mood to be around people. 

My hands/arm and shoulder keeps being restrained. That's why I don't want to type.

I'm struggling doing things like stretching or holding things and saying Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I can deal with the emotional stresses but the physical aches take their toll on me.

It just feels like I'll never be normal and have a pain free day. It's almost 2pm and I should eat.

At least Looney Tunes is starting the new event soon, that's just a relaxing highlight.

Once I start blogging, I don't usually like to take a break, until I'm done.

Things with Mama are still strained. I think I'm just angry with her and tired of letting her off the hook.

What I can't seem to shake is the fact that the siblings and both my parents got away with mistreating me constantly.

It's the fact that she let the siblings torture me and never sat them down and made them accountable or punished them.

Her retribution was solely directed at me. You should know better, it's your duty to forgive, this is on you, blame, blame, blame.

I'm hard enough on myself as it is but growing older is making me reflect.

Before I was too scared to speak and now it's built up internally.

Their behaviour isn't right. I don't know what to do with these feelings as talking to her, isn't satisfying.

There is no closure because she won't admit fault. It's like she'll hear me and then carry on doing the same thing.

What is the point? How do I get over it or come to terms with the horrors of my past?

I forgot I had another noodle pot of the fuel snacks. This time was the chicken, as the cupboards are mostly bare, reluctantly tried it.

Not good either, dry and powdery is the taste. I do not recommend them at all, worst noodles I've tried.

#BlogLife956 - I'm not liking Avon..

I finally feel like munching so had a crisp while I'm waiting for the Nissin chicken teriyaki with veggies ramen to cook/heat up..

It didn't really smell of much and no sauce packet. I didn't put much water as it was quite full.

I did it for 7 minutes and added a touch more water that instantly disappeared.

It has this hint of sweetness, it's not too salty. I quite like it actually, it's not chickeny but it is nice.

Not really sweet or salty and a really good amount of thinnish noodles.

I don't know if the lip scrub is meant for an overnight treatment but you'd eventually eat it off.

My recommendation is to apply it before you wash your face in the morning and night time.

That way you get a lil benefit mashing your lips together before you wash it off or wipe it off, whatever you prefer.

That to me is much better than leaving it on and being uncomfortable.

Then what you do, is follow up and apply a regular balm, simple :)

Oops forgot to do the most obvious thing when I'm confused about which brand to get...

Go on Youtubey and watch reviews.. Hmm I didn't realise the MyCarbon features fast charging and they include a usb which I need a spare one.

Also the reviews seem glowing and it seems to indicate you can spin it two directions, I'm not sure how that benefits but..

It's interesting and the last incentive is the long battery life. It's actually probably worth about £30 so I shouldn't really complain..

I just like saving money where possible. I just went ahead and bought the MyCarbon one..

Oddly enough it didn't say it was out for delivery but I got a note from Evri to say it wouldn't arrive today but tomorrow..

Strange that they couldn't get it to me, there is a ton of construction and road works.

Heaven knows what the noise is. I was hoping that the Avon parcel and the brush would arrive together..

No chance as the Avon one hasn't been sent to Evri, yeesh they are disgustingly slow.

I feel better I wrote Avon a scathing email regarding my parcel status, if you're charging for delivery, it should be prompt.

Honestly sometimes it feels like the only way to receive the goods or services you've paid for, is to chase them up and complain.

Oh I had the UC appointment, nearly 30 minutes late, yeesh and now the next one is in person, ugh..

I'll probably get an eyebrow shape and maybe snacks if any stalls are out.

#BlogLife911 - Piggy or bully?

I wasn't paying close attention when I added the bulls in blanket to the shopping cart and my eyes aren't the sharpest, so it just seemed like mini beef sausages.

I thought it was the non red meat/pork version of pigs in a blanket but it looked plain at first.

Now that I've opened it up to cook 2 of them, in case I hate it, I can see it's wrapped in what looks like a rasher.

I took a picture of the ingredients enlarged it on my phone as it was too small and it says beef bacon...

I hope that's not beef and bacon, I've not seen or heard of beef rashers, I've tried chicken, ok, turkey, the best, the vegan ones, not bad.

So this will be interesting to see if it's seasoned, or overpowering. Looks like a fun snack or something to put out for a dinner party.

Crown Farms 12x£2 pretty good price for that many. I think I overcooked it at 20 minutes, the rasher bit is a lil too crispy but overall, it's a mild beefy taste.

It's actually quite nice. There's no pepper I was expecting that but it's different.

Lil bit salty, less is better but it adds to the flavour, maybe needs a lil dip too.

I did a mini Zoom shop as I was out of snacks and saw that the Buffalo chicken wrap was finally in stock, looking forward to trying that.

Wattpad has a lot of crap notifications about getting you to spend money and such but the important ones about your stories are non existent.

I'm not sure but I think it was a delightful surprise to see one of the holiday stories, rated with a star, as in they enjoyed it.

That gave me a boost. I can't recall if I saw before but it means something, most are unrated to be honest.

Here's a breakdown of it. Lethal Curves Ahead is unfinished and has had 26 views and no stars.

Faithless Pursuit is complete, has had 460 views/reads, no stars, a few comments by an acquaintance but as they deleted their account, the comments disappeared, which is unfair I think.

Paloma's Holiday Hijinks, the holiday story I was just referring too, 1 read, 1 star, which is sweet :) (It was short so I added it as one chapter).

Uncivilised Civilian has 42 views or reads and no stars.

Mr DJ Don't Play Me has 3 views or reads and nothing else.

Shenanigans With A Shifty Chef has 6 or 1 read, and 6 stars for each chapter. That's pretty kind.

How Mrs Claus Got Off The Naughty List has 43 views or reads and no stars.

And lastly Mr Cruise has nothing whatsoever but the interesting thing is Wattpad keeps giving some of them high ratings in the tags system.

On the blog, they roughly have about a 100 views or reads. I do want to carry on writing fiction, I just feel at the moment I am internally criticising myself and I can't seem to stop.

#BlogLfe894 - What's up with Youtube these days?

The Youtube site is crashing so much on the laptop but playing fine on the phone, it's so frustrating.

Sometimes I need to be able to play multiple videos, anti nausea, music, asmr and I can't do that on the phone, I love my white noises played in the background, else it's too quiet.

I need to block things out. I just tried the Cheez It crisps I got complimentary with yesterday's cafe order.

I wasn't sure about cheese and chilli but actually it was mildish, not too overpowering, the more you ate, the hotter it got but it was bearable.

Crunchy, not too salty, not overloaded with cheese either. It reminded me of a dorito but nicer. I would recommend it but in a different flavour, my face is still warm, the tingle has gone though.

Ooh we finally got post this week and it's already Wednesday, after five days the AaproMel eye drops arrived.

I don't know this brand and it doesn't say if it's suitable for contact lens users or rgp/hard lenses but I'll have a go anyway.

The price was fabulous, 3 mini bottles for a fiver, they are usually a couple quid each.

Us hard lens people are supposed to get rewetting drops which are super pricey.

These just state they are lubricating. I just tried it as my eyes have been excessively dry and it didn't sting for one, woop.

Some do and it's horrible for already sensitive frayed eyes, plus it didn't seem too thin or to thick, it's the right consistency.

If it's too thin it doesn't always feel like it's giving any benefits, but also if it's too thick, it's just making you cry and lose any soothingness.

I usually see what it on offer, so far so good. My eyes feel a lot more comfy, not dry or itchy anymore.

I'll use them some more and then give some proper feedback, I was just dying to try them out.

Ooh one of the newer randoms, only spoken to him 3/4 times, ditched me last night mid-chat, that was unusual.

One minute flowing, the next he stopped responding and to be fair it was late.

But I saw him again and he didn't apologise just said Hi and I replied, that I wasn't talking to him.

So he said that actually he fell asleep and didn't see my messages so that was just a misunderstanding.

The only thing suspicious about him was that he made this remark like good to see you again, glad we're talking.

And before that, we had only talked once before and it ended pleasantly so either he mean't that or he's someone I blocked under a different nickname but he's well mannered so it's fine for now.

#BlogLife880 - All over the place

Song of the day - Dave Hollister - Yo Baby's Daddy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCq6CRf8Ygg

Apologies I know it's another late post but I had a late night and late morning and busy day, so here I am, with thoughts scattered around.

Song of the day is back because as I was getting up this morning, I had the playlist going and it reminded of of when I was younger.

That's when I used to have the answering machine on, for my mobile, but instead of an outgoing generic message, I would play a snippet of a song, so whichever guy I was avoiding that was plaguing me with calls, would constantly hear it.

And it made me laugh because these songs had such cutting vocals at times, much better than I could articulate back then.

Anyway I tried out the Marks cheesy ravioli, it had too much tomatoey sauce and weirdly not enough cheese inside, it was nice pasta but again needed more seasoning and more cheese.

Odd that Mark's meals are very hit and miss for the price. Two newish shows maybe, I'm not sure of the release date.

One was called The Royals and luckily the english subtitles for this indian show were spectacular for once.

It's about this CEO Sophia who takes on a project to build and market a hotel centred around this Royal family.

Her love interest is Aviraaj/Fizzy, an irresponsible playboy Royal.

I wanted to like both or either of them but I really didn't. The lead Sophia just seems usery/manipulative.

I feel like the show wants us to feel sorry for her, or root for her success but as I continued watching, I couldn't care less.

It was the whole personality, the friction between the leads a quick hookup and then saying You're not my type I don't like you and expecting him to tolerate that and what?

Beg for a chance? Pfft. Then flirting with her ex who was convenient for an ego boost but at the same time throwing it in his face, he was jealous of her.

Yuckity yuck, I was rooting for him to leave her asap and he was headhunted away, thankfully, she stopped being able to use him and he grew tired of her bs.

The lead himself was troubled but he was push/pulling her away also, and I know that's typical standard fashion but only if the characters are likeable, which I didn't find they were.

Enough of that, onto the next one Pulse. I got happy as soon as I saw Justina Machado was starring in it.

It's about these young group of Doctors navigating through life and work.

One the lead, Danny/Danielle, is promoted after accusing her former mentor/boss (Xander) of sexual harassment.

She seems to have trouble coping with stress and confidence and experiences panic attacks regularly.

But as the story unfolds, I find it weird because both her and the love interest are flirting and dating and getting along mostly.

It all seems consensual, then she's changing in front of him and agrees to working along side of him without flinching???

It just seems like she's playing games or sabotaging his career on purpose.

I know it's just fiction but if she is lying I hope she get's reprimanded for it, that hits close to home to me as I've experienced a lot of harassment and it's not joke.

It is entertaining apart from that sordidness, although not keen on the gory bits.

#BlogLife835 - Let's face it

Ugh I was hoping the knock on the door was the Postie, but no it was from the landlord, one of those Surveyors, actually 2, which unnerved me.

Talking about an appointment to look around, draw a map, take photographs.

I sooo hope they don't need to come into the bedroom, I cringe so hard, I just feel scared,

Male workers seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to make inappropriate comments or barge in and it freaks me out.

Umm nope, I need to tidy up first, put the laundry away. I told them to come back another time, I didn't know anything about it.

They took it well and said they will send me another meeting time and I'll deal with it then.

I finished the Eveline wash, it wasn't bad it was just tiny. Now I am onto the Fixderma.

It's a clear gel, smells nice and orangey, quite thick though and has beads, ugh, didn't realise that.

It washes off ok though considering the awkwardness and it does leave my face soft.

You do need a moisturiser afterwards, my skin feels pretty stripped.

The Glow wash and the tops I guess are still on the way. I finally decided to give the chocolate custard a try....

Hilarious, it's Ambrosia Ready chocolate custard pots, 2x 120g £1.60 I don't know if it was on offer.

The size is fine, the cost is a lil steep but the taste is nothing like custard at all, not even a lil bit.

It's just chocolate yoghurt, that's all it is. I thought it would be something cute and different to try but nope, false advertising.

I mean it was really creamy and tasty but not what it was supposed to be, so disappointed.

Now that the Neutrogena moisturiser is all used up, I am onto the Astral face cream.

It's a big tub, the price was expensive but it's quite a good size, thick and on the greasy side.

It smells nice too, generic perfumey but nice.

It's definitely a winter cream. It's what my face needs at the moment.

I might only use this once a day though. Oof I'm shattered. I checked through my old post I had forgotten to read and did find the appointment letter for the Surveyors, so not scammers trying to gain entry.

It's official from the landlord, I still don't see the point of it but I made my peace with it.

For safety reasons if they do need to see my bedroom, I will not be in the room.

I'm going to wait outside. It's just too much of a freak out, to have 2 grown men and me alone in a room, actually in my home.

I've been worrying nonstop and keep waking up fretting about it but it's mandatory so no choice.

I just hope it doesn't take an hour as predicted. I'm going to be in a lot of pain and tired from standing all that time.

I cannot to be seated with strangers roaming around nearby.

This is one of my worst nightmares but anyway, I'm going to try and keep it in perspective, they just have a job to do and I have to cope with it as best as I can.

I've made a start on tidying. I've mopped all the floors but my bedroom.

I'm exhausted. It's only 4.30pmish and I've eaten so I don't want to go back in the kitchen until it dries.

I have to wipe down the bath and sink, mop the bedroom floor, change the duvet, empty the bins.

Put away the washing and then I'm done. That can wait until tomorrow, I don't want to move.

I love that washing up scent, fruity, strawberries maybe? It's been 2 and a half hours, floors are still damp ugh, will leave them until morning now.

For touch-ups I normally get some old clothes or rags, wet it with hot water, bleach and just wipe around and that seems to be easier.

My body is not a fan of bending but it works better than the mop.

There's no sign of a new appointment. However the DWP bank consent form arrived, so I signed it and posted it today.

Come hell, what may.....

#BlogLife831 - Mash up

On my continued quest to try new products and review, I saw something interesting.

I'm not the biggest fan of mashed potatoes. I don't know why, I can have it in small doses and over Christmas it was great but generally speaking, I can leave without it.

However, I get sick of foods really easily so I thought what is a good filling side dish, that I haven't tried?

Reeva's instant mashed potatoes ha. They had a few varieties. It was 50p for a 40g pot and I got the butter and herbs and maybe the chicken one.

You're supposed to boil the water and then add it and stir and boom ready.

But I don't have a kettle so I fill it with cold water, shove it in the microwave for 4 minutes, leave it, return and all set.

My whole place smelled of butter ha. It's very indulgent, creamy, buttery, they could have scaled back on the butter.

It's tasty and probably high in calories but I'm just not sure I would buy it again.

Maybe it needs gravy? It's just too strong for me. The price is good, there is a lot inside.

But I'm struggling to even eat half. It's like eating butter. I'll stick to the potato pops, the mini roast potatoes, they are much nicer.

There wasn't much indoors so I decided on a different day to try the Reeva chicken version, holy moly what a difference.

It might sound a bit odd to have the chicken flavouring but actually this was sooo much better.

It wasn't overpowering, I even ate the whole thing, it was tasty. It just doesn't need a whole lot of butter and cream to make it good.

I think down the road, I might just opt for the plain version, if ever I want a lil snack.

As I was out of snacks, I did a mini Ocado zoom shop, they still have the lunch for a fiver so I got the egg sandwich, which seems like they've changed the recipe.

They had small leaves and I'm not normally a fan, but this had a flavour boost, it was simple but delicious.

Plus I got the accidental salted caramel twix, I assumed it was the plain version but nope, it was just sweeter than the normal, it's not my preference but wasn't as bad as I thought.

Two new things to try, I saw a Colombian coffee sponge roll 200g £2.40 and the Pizza Express dough balls.

I've always wanted to try them but wasn't sure if I would like them.

Tesco used to do these mini dumpling thingys. It was like small bready mini chunks, that were dry but moreish.

I haven't seen anything like it so I wonder if the dough balls are similar?

These have either a garlic dip or are made with garlic, I'm not too sure.

I am too stuffed to eat anything else, after the sandwich and twix.

I might be bloated because the cramps are continuing this week, although I don't feel sicky at the moment.

Still no sign of the Glow face wash but the Amazon tops are despatched, they predict it will arrive next week before the month ends.

I was just looking up when the UK's Mama's Day is here, it's at the end of March 30th to be precise.

I thought it would have been earlier. She's away on her trip, so might wait until she returns to put together something.

#BlogLife820 - Inconsiderate time waster/Who are you to tell me what I'm capable of doing??

I'm home now and just ordered food. I've got to say that is the only bright spark.

On Monday, there was 40% off the sushi and today the pizza is half price ha!!

I'm all about the savings, so I got some chicken tandoori pizza and wings and a drink, it's not spicy just flavourful.

I am frozen solid as the twits were running late, heaven help me if I swan in late but they can waste our bloody time as much as possible.

The pain and stiffness kicked in and now my stomach is lurching, but this time I think it's from hunger pangs.

I'm not actually hungry but because I was up early and have been out, my body needs fuel.

The appointment at the Jobby was 10am, so being a responsible person I aimed to get there just before.

At about 9.34am they call and I ignore it, I can never hear them and vice versa when I'm outdoors, too noisy.

A text pops up to say, Oh we're running late, come back in an hour!

Fuckers!!! Who texts/calls at the last bloody minute? You had all morning, most of us leave early to arrive early, we don't leave it til the last frigging second!

So I sat there waiting in the freezing cold, having just arrived. Then finally 10.30am arrives and I set off just before that.

They are still not ready. Asses! I wait another half an hour and then about 11amish, she's finally ready to see me.

By this time I'm struggling to move, the pain is established and I'm on the verge of tears.

She wants me to do a course for 9 bloody weeks, over 2 flipping months, 9-5pm???

WTF?! It's a technical IT course and that holds no interest. I'm trying to explain to her, that my valid concern is that I'm going to find it too strenuous, it being full time and that I was less interested in the technical side, more the customer side of things.

And she's like, Oh don't limit yourself, don't feel left out. I wanted to swing for her!!

Does she have any bloody idea how taxing it is for me to be active for even an hour, let alone 8 bloody hours???

There's no rest as it's every weekday and I'm still expected to do the job searches?? In what time.

Plus my priority is this blog and the stories but I can't tell them that.

I have hand/body pains, exhaustion, poor eyesight and stiffness. The pain doesn't stop magically after I take a break.

What it does is halt, remember the intensity, stay dormant for a small while and then if I continue doing anything active, it climbs and climbs until I feel like I can't move at all.

She's like Oh don't worry we'll support you. Like fuck you will, what are you going do? Stop the bloody class midway through??

Once I'm done for the day, I'm done, the pain has taken up residence and I have limited functionality.

I need rest and no activities. I can't see her being understanding about me leaving the course after 2 hours and saying, Yea I'm done for the day.

And the other thing was she compared me to single Mama's, like what the hell does that have to do with people that have  chronic illnesses???

FFS!!

Of course I bit my tongue and uttered none of the above and she's like yea, scan the code and upload some video answers in the interview, if you're interested.

Excuse me? No way! I shudder at the thought.

But I'm going to take the weekend and pretend to ponder it and then decline, let them penalise me for rejecting it, I don't give a fuck!

I feel emotionally calm now, no more cursy cursy. But my body is sensitive and the pain is starting to spread all over and worsen.

While I'm on a rant. It occurred to me that the Witch from DWP is on a power trip.

I've seen it at the Job Centre they can literally shout at you, insult you and the moment you raise your voice in retaliation to stick up for yourself, the security guards rush over and you get in trouble.

She knows she can say anything, demand anything and I have to comply, that's why she's stretching it out, when she has repeatedly got all of the information from me.

4 months later and all she can keep saying is wait to hear back to see what you have to do next.

Congratulations to her, she's excelling at making me lose my mind.

I'm surrounded by evilness.

Oh I just tried the part bake cinnamon swirls. It does take about 20 minutes to cook, the whole room smells of cinnamon but it's not that sweet really.

I didn't realise there was an icing packet, I was supposed to drizzle it over but it's frozen.

I'll just keep them in the fridge, it's not bad. It needs more sugar and cinnamon surprisingly.

I'm not sure I would get it again, personally I would prefer more natural sweetness and not to rely on the icing for the sugar content.

Also I prefer it softer, rather than crispy, it changes the experience and not for the better.

But I can't cook it any less as it's not ready to eat then.