#BlogLife666 - I'm trying to be happy..

Yesterday and today I've been trying to be in a better mood and fight the hormonal rampages but it's tough.

I have cramps, I feel empty and drained and I still want to scream at someone, well actually punch them in the guts!

I don't feel hungry but maybe having some cheese and crackers will help my tum tum settle down?!

I thought today, let's try and have fish and see if I like that particular version of the sandwich spread, Princes salmon but I forgot one tiny, teensy, itty bitty fact.......

It's in a tiny jar and I can't open it. Ugh my strength is getting weaker, day by day.

I am forgoing that plan and just going with something that I can open easily, which is the cheese.

Even though it's not something I can control, I still feel disappointed in myself when I can't do things.

I wonder if other sick people feel like that or if they just accept it and move on?

Yesterday she kept saying see a Doctor, like it's just easy, to go in and make an appointment and get the help I need.

One, appointments are like gold dust, extremely rare, I know as Mama has been trying to get one, to get a referral to treat herself and it's been near impossible.

Secondly just to put myself out there, re-tell my story, my symptoms and angst and be looked upon like I am dirt, who is just giving a feeble sob story and wasting their time, kills me.

Doctors made me feel like I was losing my mind. I questioned my own sanity because they said I was all fine and there was nothing wrong.

Is it any wonder, why I don't want to go through that crap??? I have to prop myself up and just be strong, all the flipping time.

I can't do it. I don't wish to serve myself up to the devil doctors, only to be dismissed, yet again.

I'm waiting for my phone to install a software update, I doubt it will be android 15.

I think I will go on pay as you go, when my contract ends but I'm not completely sure.

At least with contracts I can get a free phone every few years. Ugh EE has changed the website and I can't get my billing information to see when the renew date is, I guess I will call them at some point.

I found a new show Sight Unseen, about a woman losing her sight, who is a cop and hasn't adjusted to it so doesn't want to use a cane, or a poochy.

She uses an app, which connects her to a sighted assistant who becomes her eyes but she's screwed when her phone battery dies.

I think she's an idiot for not using a backup. 

I think petty me, was waiting until I managed to overpower the jar and open it.

I wanted a lil victory in my corner, it's not really the big bad wolves hiding in the shadows that I'm battling..

It's the everyday issues, that sometimes, I just cannot solve..

#BlogLife601 - You think too highly of yourself..

Song of the day - Bon Jovi - You Give Love A Bad Name

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9tKwSboJeg&list=WL&index=38

Ha! If he only knew!! I was on chat and one guy DD, asked me for a date and I said no and then he did it again and I blocked him.

Then CP of the quote above came along and he was regular, nothing stood out.

We suddenly talked about multi tasking and he said he had loads of women he was taking too.

And to be honest I didn't care because I was replying to D's text, even though he was busy and tired and Ohhh I haven't told you about him ha!!

Plus I was watching my Christmas binge, A Very Merry Mix Up Christmas and though oof even if it's a comedy, one of the leads is sooo controlling ick.

I just realised that her beau was well off and could easily have said, Let me be a silent investor or pay for employees or a financial advisor to help you out for a bit..

But I guess his first love, was collecting money and not spending it, with his lil insensitive cruel digs at her expense.

Anyway I digress. I said something like, Oh I love multi tasking, it makes things more interesting. 

I even multi chat, although I got rid of all my pms because they weren't suitable.

Someone has to be really enthralling or I have to be too sleepy to only have one conversation.

Now I assume at this point he got offended I wasn't smitten with him.

The funny thing was I was making more of an effort, just to pass the time until I could sleep.

Then he switches too, Umm actually I'm only talking to you. I prefer one on one.

Then I followed it up with, Well you're my only pm now also.

Honestly I can't stop giggling. I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just matter of fact answering all his questions but I guess brutally directly.

And this is where he should have said I take offence to that or left or said Um I'm going to find someone who wuvs me lololol.

I can't recall exactly what I said next but he kept pushing for answers, as in to rate him.

And again he reallllly shouldn't have because I came out with..

I'm not hooked on you but you're alright. You don't make me want to scratch your eyes out.

So I suspect because women weren't falling over themselves to talk to him and men always chat women up..

He didn't appreciate me having options. That is when he said it.

You think too highly of yourself. Instead of him making the effort to be interesting or cutting the discussion short.

My retort was Some people are that good and can afford to be. Then I blocked him.

I suspect he wanted me to feel bad and definitely be less confident so I would have become attached to him.

But I see through that tactic and I was feeling good about myself so he couldn't spoil it.

Then he bombarded me with messages and I suspect not to apologise but to be nasty.

I made the right decision.  If he didn't keep bugging me for praise I would have kept my feelings to myself.

Anyway onto D which is a far better tale. I checked my other phone for accuracy and this occurred on Thursday night.

This name popped up in chat and even though I rarely remember names and conversations.

My brain said you know that name but I didn't know if he and I were on friendly terms or not.

At first I ignored it and then maybe I checked my notes on the randoms to see if there was a blurb about him.

Or maybe I replied and then checked. Anyway there was a note.

He and I had swapped numbers at the end of September, got on well but he ghosted me.

Four days went by and I suspected he just didn't want to contact me any longer so I blocked him.

Then as we were talking he apologised, remembered my name which was sweet and explained.

His friend I think was hospitalised and on the fifth day he had texted but of course I didn't receive it and then he tried a few more times.

Plus sought me out but we didn't see each other at all until now.

So we basically ended up talking and reacquainting for hours.

And it struck me that he wasn't angry or accusing or even passive aggressive. 

He was just happy to see me so I pretty much instantly forgave him but didn't divulge it ha.

Then at the end he asked me and I said Yea I made peace with it ages ago and I'll unblock you.

I've only done that a few times as it's generally not worth it.

But he had a good attitude and we blend well together. 

It's effortless but I forgot what he sounds like. Ugh and I don't want to say call me lol.

He's not local but he seems decent. He's not taking me for granted.

He'll make the time to text, even if it's not straight away, which is not expected anyway.

He'll apologise say Sorry was blah blah but even before that he'll mention he's busy.

So when I hear that I'm thinking, right he's occupied for the evening so I won't disturb and his response is probably going to be the following day.

And I so prefer that. Than thinking Oh he just can't be bothered to get back to me, even though he's free.

Now on to today. Ugh what a horrendous sickly morning. In my head I was still partially buzzing that I managed to compose and publish a story out of thin air in about three hours.

To be frank, I was stressing about it and I didn't actually think I would be successful in completing it.

I even had a nightmare last night and that usually occurs when I'm frazzled.

My mind was totally blank but in the morning I thought, wouldn't it be nice if it had a Christmas theme?

Then I thought something about water, I always knew it was going to feature a girl. I just wasn't sure about the age and once I got going.

My brain was like okay, do you want to go here, or there, how do you want to end it?

My hope was to make it upbeat but in the back of my mind, I had a sneaky suspicion that it would be an unhappy fable because I feel a bit up and down at the moment.

Somehow this year I'm excited about Christmas but that also entails spending time with family and they have a tendency to be unkind.

Although it might just be me and Mama, who knows, or I might not even travel down there..

Anyway I just feel really weak and sickly today. I thought I started my period, which would explain it but nope.

I was going to order sushi today but the place I usually get it from doesn't have ordinary drinks, just bubble tea and that has no earthly appeal.

So I saw some pistachio tiramisu that I have never known existed.

It's not my favourite dessert but I knew tomorrow or later I would want something sweet and I felt so rough today..

I didn't do any shopping, just power walked to the bus stop to get home as quick as possible.

Oh I did try the new purple Rimmel lippy. It's not as bad as I thought.

I put on a dark lip liner, well actually it's an eyebrow pencil that I double up as an lip liner.

Then I put on lip balm, actually no, the lip balm was the base. Then the lip liner and then the purple lippy.

It did look quite nice. I think I can get away with it. it's not too too light.

It is quite thick. I got away with wearing one coat, normally I would double up but I kept wanting to vomit all morning.

Everything took ages and I wanted it over and done with. Now that I've munched, I feel much perkier, although a nap would be ideal.

I'm not happy with the title and I've done some more editing on the story. I'm going to copy it onto Wattpad eventually.