#BlogLife751 - What is J after?/ The reason I'm not attracted to younger men..

This weekend I thought I would observe T's behaviour. I just found him peculiar.

It's almost like he was keeping tabs on me but from a distance. He wouldn't say Hi on chat, but when I left, an hour or so later, he'd text and start a conversation.

Almost as though, either he didn't want to compete with others I was chatting too or he himself was trying to find someone, failed and then I was the slim pickings/default/leftovers??

I didn't like that at all. Plenty of half text sessions, where he would leave part way through and then randomly text really late and continue it.

I want someone to text me if they are missing me, have news or fancy spending time with me.

I don't accept someone is bored and everyone else is busy so you're left to entertain them, nope, nope, nope.

I ended up blocking him. I didn't tell him honestly because I doubt he would care either way. I certainly don't.

Next, ha, last night up pops J's text, with a new number and yet another explanation.

Honestly that cracked me up. I just looked at it and thought, Why do you keep texting me?

It's obvious you don't want to stay in contact but yet you can't keep away? I couldn't stop laughing.

Do I reply? Do I ignore? This is what he basically said in the text at 10.30pm at night..

Hi, this is J. I love that he is the only one to re-introduce himself, he wants me to know, exactly who is texting from this new number.

That makes me laugh, as no other random does that, they just say Hi and not, Hey it's X..

Anyway, he said the company makes him change his number, every time he travels home, aka America or New York, can't recall exact details.

But he lives over here, part of the time. (I wonder why, he never contacts me in the day time)?

Does he conscience only bother him at night? Ha.

He said Sorry I didn't call, I'm seeing someone now but it wasn't you.

I just thought Hmm, I should be gutted at this double rejection. As though he's screaming, just to further clarify, I Don't Want You!

But actually the whole thing just tickled me so I thought, Alright let's just reply and make him know, I'm doing just peachy without him :)

I just simply said. Of course it wasn't moi. I'm too fabulous, (which I am)!

And I thought right, that's reassured him, I'm not weeping or pining over him, that is that and he won't reply.

Then somehow, he kept texting, I kept replying. I shared some vulnerabilities, without the context, as I thought, well, I won't be hearing from him again and that was the sombre mood I was in.

And I think he liked that human side of me. Then just before 1am, he called and we ended up having another sorta heart to heart.

He seemed to think I was devastated by the rejection but I wasn't.

I think because previously we had gotten on well, had a laugh and so forth and I was convinced he would want to stay in touch but he didn't due to personal problems and so forth.

Then I was going through hardships myself, with multiple injuries.. It was just more surprising than anything.

He seemed to care about what I thought of him?! He wanted to be in my good graces.

Still not sure why? Maybe he needs to be liked  by everyone? Or maybe he senses the type of person that I am.

Not really giving of myself or my time that readily but when I do, I want to know, it means something.

He did say that He liked me and didn't want to part on bad terms so I guess I made some sort of semi lasting impression.

I'm not hung up on him anymore. He's too flighty and unreliable.

We parted company and I think he said Do you want me to contact you tomorrow?

And I replied, That is up to you because either way. It wouldn't change anything.

I'm unattached, I can do as I please. He isn't and I'm not chasing someone that's not my preference.

I doubt he will be in touch and that will be that. The air has been cleared.

Although he did say....... Am I forgiven now? I feel like you wanted vengeance??

And I just laughed and said No, Maybe, I did but that he wasn't completely off the hook.

I wasn't upset but there are times when guys let themselves exist without a conscience, treat women badly and are okay with it.

I think I wanted him to be aware, how he treats people, can impact them, so try not to mess them around or lead them on because it's not respectful.

That was it, I didn't say the above to him but I think he gets it and I think he was kinda shocked and disappointed, not to have his apology just blindly accepted.

He's not a keeper but even the fly by nights, still have to be made aware of their behaviour.

All this game playing and I want you, I don't want you. I'm just bored or I'm telling you what I think you want to hear..

Is the reasons that I don't like younger men at all. They don't know what they want.

They are fascinated with older women, that are mature and have lived and have had lots of varied life experiences......

Yet, they never bring that maturity along. It's always, Oh yea, I'm playing the field, am interested in casual hook ups.

They don't listen to what I'm saying, they just wanna fix me and be the hero.

Well with me babe, things would be different, blah blah blah. Zzzzzz

If I was to date properly again. I would do the same thing, I did in my past.

Get to know him slowly, talk over a period of a few months, if all checks out, aka, he is single, local, respectful and really listens without judging, then I would consider possibly, arranging a get together.

But before that? Nope. I need to be comfortable. I need to know that if I'm putting myself out there, it's worth it.

It's all quite scary still, even decades later. I still sense that air of danger of being cornered..

Enough rambling, enjoy the rest of your day, see you tomorrow maybe :)

#BlogLife747 -Hello! I'm Ghost and I've returned :)

I've just been trying to pluck my brows with the tweezers but it's all so blurry.

I give up, sod it, messy brows is the new me. The right one is still noticeably red and sore to the touch, yeesh.

The left one although not perfect, looks a tad presentable-ish. The right is just a mess, ha.

I did something after I returned from Mama's that I don't usually do.

I went ahead and unblocked A, he was the one that was obsessed with photos but aside from that, we got on well.

It's funny though that I didn't create a cheat sheet for him, no details whatsoever so when I was looking through the legions of blocked guys, I couldn't recall his name.

Finally realised it was A and there were several and none looked familiar. I figured he deleted his account but I unblocked all the namesakes anyway.

Then Saturday night up he popped and said Hi. I was so shocked, I didn't even know if it was the right person.

But suddenly all the previous chat reappeared and I scrolled up and thought Ahhh, it is him.

I wasn't sure if he'd be annoyed at being blocked and that we had words and that I disappeared.

But I'm not sure he realised, ha. He asked point blank, is this the first time you've been back?

And I said honestly No. I took some time out, things happened and I was away for a while too.

He said that he almost unsubscribed a few times but kept returning

I didn't actually confess I had blocked him. Our last conversation was tense.

He was saying, he wanted regular photos and I replied that at a push, sending one, would be it, for me.

So he is better seeking out someone that is happy to provide that and then I blocked him.

As one I felt a lil bullied, that was the only thing he pressured me about, but it was constant.

Secondly, we had a deeper connection than I'm used too and that scared me a lot.

I'm not someone that opens up to many people. I think it all became overwhelming and I needed to step back and it was the right decision at the time.

It's not something I'm comfortable with at all. When I was standing in front of Mama's full length mirror, where she had lots of natural light.

I studied myself and thought, I see no evidence of weight loss, whatsoever, what is the point of a healthier lifestyle??

But other people have noticed and obviously the dress sizes keep going down so that keeps me motivated.

But the mirror image, the photos, do nothing for my confidence levels, as someone that grew up ashamed of my body, whether slim or not.

There was a lot of self loathing and when I was dating, I felt like there was more criticisms, than compliments, which made my self-esteem just plummet further.

It's a prickly topic for me but occasionally I'll push myself out of my warm fluffy safe existence and do something, I hate for personal growth.

I mentioned just before I left for Mama's I snapped a selfie and at Mama's I snapped a full length one, with my face included.

The first one was covered by the phone but my hair looked fantastic.

The point is that I sent him both of those when he asked because I wanted to maybe put him off or test the waters and although it probably would sting a lil if he said, Sorry you're just too unattractive for me.

Overall I would have accepted it and said Alright, thanks for being honest and re-blocked him lol.

Okay just checked he didn't block me, there isn't those dots instead of the last seen ? hours ago.

He says he prefers the fuller figure and his reaction was, the short do, suits me and he called me "Pretty."

I reject that completely but I don't see myself as hideous either.

I'm passable I guess. This time I didn't feel backed into a corner.

I think I had already decided to send it to him before he asked. I made it on my terms though, not his time frame.

That was just better for me. Actually the funny thing is, he didn't offer to send me one of himself and he doesn't seem to want a phone or on site microphone chat.

It does make me wonder, if he'll suddenly confess, Oh by the way, I'm married, I thought you knew............

Like most of them tend to blurt out... Hmm...

But I'm separated..

But we're basically just roommates..

But she doesn't get me...

And my favourite...

We're just living together until we can sell up..

I always think, I'm sure the wives are oblivious and seemingly content.

I guess we'll find out, if he was worth unblocking but there's something calming about him, that stood out.

I really felt heard, in each of our conversations and when we dissected our last breakup chat type thing.

He said, Maybe I should have been more patient and understanding..

And I said, Well you were being upfront with your needs but I still felt a bit, as though I was backed into a corner.

Another thing I respect about him, is the quiet air of confidence.

It's not arrogance, he's not fishing for compliments. It's just matter of fact and that's another rare quality.

Someone that's not me, me, me and has the natural back and forth, that we have.

Enough rambling, just had to get that off my chesticles. See you tomorrow, hopefully.....

#BlogLife714 - The hot totty touch and rescue

Song of the day - Ty - Wait A Minute

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwD6vuLF-dI&list=WL&index=59

I dunno if I've already put this song up, it's from the show Queenie, they randomly played it and I looked it up as I loved it.

I've just gotten back home, kinda a bad-ish day. The boiler says it's on and working but there is no heat or hot water.

The machine itself is blinking zeros. The dial is behaving normally, the lil fire sign is there.

I was going to wash my hair but it was bad enough standing in cold water rinsing myself, so chickened out.

Once again I will leave it on for a few hours and if nothing improves will call the repairers tomorrow.

I am so tired and then to make it worse. I lost my left lens, it was going into my eye and then freaked out and jumped and I stepped on it, grr.

Have to make an appointment to get a replacement for that also.

It's also been a drizzly day off and on so got caught out a bit but I layered up, bright blue patterned top and black trousers.

I got the pakoras for me and Mama, plus some mini dessert balls, of which the syrup leaked all over the bag.

But I've got no appetite still. I went for the pedicure, I got 2 massages, the scrub and the lotion, and half a foot massage, ha but the massage chair was on and that helped relax me.

Then me and Mama and her friend hopped on the bus to go eat and none of us realised..

One the bus driver was gorgeous, is it pretty guy day today?? Ha!

Two I felt scruffy with no lippy on and not having freshly washed hair.

Plus my tooth is loose and it makes talking sound mumbly.

Anyway, the cafe that we frequent has had a makeover, no more booths, tables and chairs now but comfy, although squashed together.

It was packed and it seemed like 1 waitress was serving everyone.

It didn't seem there was any spaces available for 3 people but then I spotted there were 2 hot totty guys in the corner and space for us.

The guy even tapped or pulled out the chair. He was sweet, normally people act gruff when you sit near them.

Anyway I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the juicier details of their conversation ha.

I know, wrong of me, bad SS, bad bad bad! But I felt tired and irritable and had no cravings so had to entertain myself.

The one sitting next to me, well a few centimetres apart was saying his girlfriend is dieting and measuring food.

He said she portions out a banana and he's exasperated by it, he said she has a good figure anyway, she should just eat the whole banana.

Ha, so sweet, why can't I meet anyone like that?? So I was unashamedly checking out his friend too.

(Ha, why not, right)? and he rolled his sleeves up and I thought big yummy arms, hubba hubba.

Okay, I know I am sounding like a complete pervert but this was too much eye candy to ignore haha!

They were gabbing away for ages and to stop me giggling at them, I picked up my phone as the random, wait for it...

J...... Tsk, yes another one, was texting me all morning so I pretended I was giggling at my phone, instead of them.

(This one migrated to a call but maybe we both disconnected and didn't follow up, I was shattered, maybe he was too)?

That was last Monday.

I don't know if they noticed, I don't think I was obvious. When they made to leave and the guy next to me apologised about disturbing us.

There was no room whatsoever. I offered to get up and sit in his seat but my legs took that moment to collapse.

And he was concerned and helped me up, and I shifted only for them to give way again.

So I kinda mumbled that my legs don't work and he said I feel even worse now.

I don't know if I thanked him or acted contrite, I was too embarrassed and trying to compose myself.

But he was lovely and kind, quite a rare occurrence to meet that sort of person.

I thought this deserved a whole post of it's own. Hmm sleep isn't coming, I should try to eat again..

#BlogLife650 - My phone blocked him... Oopsie

Song of the day - Ayo Girl - Jason Derulo/Rema 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-jpuYFo4KA&list=WL&index=51

A new random, I think his name is MM, real name S and I got talking last night which migrated to nearly an all night call.

Until at least 5am and then he fell asleep or claims he didn't and I crashed soon after.

I almost forgot I had to get up early for the couriers. Luckily they came a bit later on, my face wash and Marks order came.

I'm still waiting for the two tops to arrive, I'm sure the Postie hasn't been for 2 days because of the rain..

Anyway I witheld and called but it was a funny chat and his voice was alright so I decided to share it.

I couldn't work out how to remove the 141 that hides the number so I told him and he wrote it down.

My battery was at 6% and I said text and will respond in 2 hours or less when my phone's charged.

But what I recalled was that sometimes when someone texts you and your phones off, the message doesn't deliver.

While it was about halfway through, I briefly switched it on, replied to his text and then turned it back off to get it to 100%.

I didn't realise in this space that he would be trying to get in touch.

He was getting ready and heading out to see his family. I found it so funny, that when I finally switched it on, he called but I didn't recognise the number so I ignored it lol.

Then I looked it up and I think I called him back and he said, you blocked me, didn't you, that's before I even used your number.

I couldn't work out what he was talking about. I said my phone's been dead, I told you this, it's switched off when charging, always because otherwise it's on the rest of the time.

He said he called me a few times and each time, it said You're blocked!!

I thought that was hilarious, my phone was being overprotective.

I actually checked to see if his number was on the block list but no he wasn't.

I asked him if he mis-dialled and he said No, he double checked haha.

I've never had that experience before. The only thing that slightly irks me, is that he is one of those Doctor lovers.

LIke everything he reads or watches because a Professional said it......Omg they know everything so it must be true.

Symptoms aren't black and white, they are not the same for everyone, Doctors know very lil,

I don't appreciate being told I'm not this or that because I don't have everything laid down precisely.

I know what I do and don't have, been suffering with it most of my life, so kindly educate yourself on people and human behaviour!!

Actually maybe I sorta like that his opinions differ to mine because I know he has a strong will, is not just something that agrees for the sake of it.

We navigated through some challenging chats already just because we had talked so much in a short space of time.

Normally people would spread it out over weeks and we did it in days lol.

#BlogLife641 - Would you be intimate whilst on your period? 18+

Happy Valentines Day to all of you:)

It's been a random day full of randoms.

First up that therapist chat that was deep and meaningful should have been a one off!

I don’t know if he was embarrassed about oversharing but the next conversation was so ridiculously boring.

I stopped talking to him after that, life's far too short to be trapped.

The next one was the serial ghoster who said Hi as though nothing happened. 

If that was me I would say I'm really sorry, can I just explain?

But I coldly greeted him with Oh it's the time waster.

He replied with You blocked me while I was in hospital.

Last time his excuse was I'm visiting my friend in hospital.

Come on put some effort, some originality with your lying please pffft.

I replied how convenient and that I didn't want someone popping in and out.

I need consistency to build up trust and reliability, that's my preference as I don't trust most people. 

So he laughably retorted, You want me to be all in?

Ha!! I said we're strangers, find someone that doesn't mind you coming and going.

Does he take me for a fool? Me thinks he does!

Ok last one. This is such an overshare but here goes.

Feel free to stop reading this bit. Me and Y were talking and I mentioned feeling unwell and cramping.

He guessed that I was on my period and truth be told I've only been intimate once during this time.

I got talked into going out and messing about with him and I felt even more undesirable and awkward.

We ended up halting and he just said I dont want to make you uncomfortable.

I wasn't really sure how I felt, sex is and always will be confusing. 

Anyway back to me and Y. He said that when these times happened he wouldn't fool around with the woman.

Would not satisfy her needs, even in the shower but would expect blowjobs ha!!!!

That is what we were kinda disagreeing about.

I find that self serving and unfair. That he expects to be satisfied but would leave his better half unfulfilled???

It was delicious debating with him because he did discuss it with me.

I found his answers hysterical,  he lost intellectual points.

This was his side and I wouldn't normally share but I hate selfish men.

They are the reasons I would never immediately show my loving side because its exploited and I told him this!

Anyway he said.. (I'm shaking with laughter).

That me giving pleasure to him should be satisfying enough and that I should be happy to please him lol.

What bollocks!!

Oh he added this bit, which made him look foolish.

That if I made him just concentrate on my needs alone, he would feel used.

I in turn said I would never ask you to do that and not reciprocate and yet you are demanding I do that for you!!!

There was no way he could win this round so he just said, there are other factors but let's agree to disagree.

We didn't really resolve anything,  that side of him, I don't really respect.

But he remains unblocked..

I just think if you really care about someone you will naturally want to make them happy.

My solution was no physical contact during that time then for either of us, fair is fair.

Relationships should be equal. I guess on the flip side, anytime I wasn't in the mood, I could just state, Oh no sorry unpredictable monthly has started.

He would probably say, What again? That's the 14th time this month!

Ha I'll always find a way to make things even and protect myself from being used!

#BlogLife601 - You think too highly of yourself..

Song of the day - Bon Jovi - You Give Love A Bad Name

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9tKwSboJeg&list=WL&index=38

Ha! If he only knew!! I was on chat and one guy DD, asked me for a date and I said no and then he did it again and I blocked him.

Then CP of the quote above came along and he was regular, nothing stood out.

We suddenly talked about multi tasking and he said he had loads of women he was taking too.

And to be honest I didn't care because I was replying to D's text, even though he was busy and tired and Ohhh I haven't told you about him ha!!

Plus I was watching my Christmas binge, A Very Merry Mix Up Christmas and though oof even if it's a comedy, one of the leads is sooo controlling ick.

I just realised that her beau was well off and could easily have said, Let me be a silent investor or pay for employees or a financial advisor to help you out for a bit..

But I guess his first love, was collecting money and not spending it, with his lil insensitive cruel digs at her expense.

Anyway I digress. I said something like, Oh I love multi tasking, it makes things more interesting. 

I even multi chat, although I got rid of all my pms because they weren't suitable.

Someone has to be really enthralling or I have to be too sleepy to only have one conversation.

Now I assume at this point he got offended I wasn't smitten with him.

The funny thing was I was making more of an effort, just to pass the time until I could sleep.

Then he switches too, Umm actually I'm only talking to you. I prefer one on one.

Then I followed it up with, Well you're my only pm now also.

Honestly I can't stop giggling. I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just matter of fact answering all his questions but I guess brutally directly.

And this is where he should have said I take offence to that or left or said Um I'm going to find someone who wuvs me lololol.

I can't recall exactly what I said next but he kept pushing for answers, as in to rate him.

And again he reallllly shouldn't have because I came out with..

I'm not hooked on you but you're alright. You don't make me want to scratch your eyes out.

So I suspect because women weren't falling over themselves to talk to him and men always chat women up..

He didn't appreciate me having options. That is when he said it.

You think too highly of yourself. Instead of him making the effort to be interesting or cutting the discussion short.

My retort was Some people are that good and can afford to be. Then I blocked him.

I suspect he wanted me to feel bad and definitely be less confident so I would have become attached to him.

But I see through that tactic and I was feeling good about myself so he couldn't spoil it.

Then he bombarded me with messages and I suspect not to apologise but to be nasty.

I made the right decision.  If he didn't keep bugging me for praise I would have kept my feelings to myself.

Anyway onto D which is a far better tale. I checked my other phone for accuracy and this occurred on Thursday night.

This name popped up in chat and even though I rarely remember names and conversations.

My brain said you know that name but I didn't know if he and I were on friendly terms or not.

At first I ignored it and then maybe I checked my notes on the randoms to see if there was a blurb about him.

Or maybe I replied and then checked. Anyway there was a note.

He and I had swapped numbers at the end of September, got on well but he ghosted me.

Four days went by and I suspected he just didn't want to contact me any longer so I blocked him.

Then as we were talking he apologised, remembered my name which was sweet and explained.

His friend I think was hospitalised and on the fifth day he had texted but of course I didn't receive it and then he tried a few more times.

Plus sought me out but we didn't see each other at all until now.

So we basically ended up talking and reacquainting for hours.

And it struck me that he wasn't angry or accusing or even passive aggressive. 

He was just happy to see me so I pretty much instantly forgave him but didn't divulge it ha.

Then at the end he asked me and I said Yea I made peace with it ages ago and I'll unblock you.

I've only done that a few times as it's generally not worth it.

But he had a good attitude and we blend well together. 

It's effortless but I forgot what he sounds like. Ugh and I don't want to say call me lol.

He's not local but he seems decent. He's not taking me for granted.

He'll make the time to text, even if it's not straight away, which is not expected anyway.

He'll apologise say Sorry was blah blah but even before that he'll mention he's busy.

So when I hear that I'm thinking, right he's occupied for the evening so I won't disturb and his response is probably going to be the following day.

And I so prefer that. Than thinking Oh he just can't be bothered to get back to me, even though he's free.

Now on to today. Ugh what a horrendous sickly morning. In my head I was still partially buzzing that I managed to compose and publish a story out of thin air in about three hours.

To be frank, I was stressing about it and I didn't actually think I would be successful in completing it.

I even had a nightmare last night and that usually occurs when I'm frazzled.

My mind was totally blank but in the morning I thought, wouldn't it be nice if it had a Christmas theme?

Then I thought something about water, I always knew it was going to feature a girl. I just wasn't sure about the age and once I got going.

My brain was like okay, do you want to go here, or there, how do you want to end it?

My hope was to make it upbeat but in the back of my mind, I had a sneaky suspicion that it would be an unhappy fable because I feel a bit up and down at the moment.

Somehow this year I'm excited about Christmas but that also entails spending time with family and they have a tendency to be unkind.

Although it might just be me and Mama, who knows, or I might not even travel down there..

Anyway I just feel really weak and sickly today. I thought I started my period, which would explain it but nope.

I was going to order sushi today but the place I usually get it from doesn't have ordinary drinks, just bubble tea and that has no earthly appeal.

So I saw some pistachio tiramisu that I have never known existed.

It's not my favourite dessert but I knew tomorrow or later I would want something sweet and I felt so rough today..

I didn't do any shopping, just power walked to the bus stop to get home as quick as possible.

Oh I did try the new purple Rimmel lippy. It's not as bad as I thought.

I put on a dark lip liner, well actually it's an eyebrow pencil that I double up as an lip liner.

Then I put on lip balm, actually no, the lip balm was the base. Then the lip liner and then the purple lippy.

It did look quite nice. I think I can get away with it. it's not too too light.

It is quite thick. I got away with wearing one coat, normally I would double up but I kept wanting to vomit all morning.

Everything took ages and I wanted it over and done with. Now that I've munched, I feel much perkier, although a nap would be ideal.

I'm not happy with the title and I've done some more editing on the story. I'm going to copy it onto Wattpad eventually.

#BlogLife529 - Be my chauffeur

I didn't realise that the Trinny takeover makeover show is back so I had fun watching the season 6 opener.

One of the randoms was talking about how he is supposedly shy and yet every chance he got brought up sex.

Pfft. But he was also talking about shopping with me and making him presentable.

He's not local so I wouldn't do it but the previous times, the men in question, didn't want a change of style, they were very rigid and not open to my ideas.

But I think they wanted a woman to stand by them and say they looked good, which they did.

They both had good figures and needed some brightness to their wardrobe and modernising but I gently pushed them in the right direction and make them feel pretty :D

I mostly have gotten rid of this 2 day headache that is plaguing me. I feel blocked up without being having cold/flu symptoms.

Maybe I have caught a chill as the sun is shining and I am shivering away, great excuse to plug in the blankie again.

My whole head has been hurting and I've been using the eye mask, napping, applying peppermint oil, playing binaural beats and doing whatever else comes to mind.

I hope it fades forever now. Chronic pain is bad enough and the weekend is downtime, I don't need more of it, when this is my moment to  forget everything and relax.

I was convinced the Amazon tops were going to arrive today but now I have a feeling it will be Monday.

I just want them to get here, to see if there are as nice as the one I bought.

I'm tempted to buy lemon essential oil, I think that is supposed to be healing also.

I researched the oils before I bought the diffuser, (that I no longer use).

Some you aren't supposed to apply directly to the skin but I felt so bad, I wanted maximum exposure so I put it on my wrists, neck and nose.

I did feel a lil instant relief, I have to say and I haven't washed it off, I just rinsed my hands as I didn't want to rub my eyes again.

Oh actually my eyes were affected, they weren't burning, but they did feel sensitive. I didn't put much on but a lil eye discomfort was worth it.

It's been about 3 months since the last eyebrow wax and pedicure and I have to epilate my legs on one side.

My thighs are almost completely hairless still. I'm so glad I didn't bother with the permanent laser treatment, what a waste of money.

I miss getting facials done, probably manicures too, although physically I don't think I could tolerate sitting/lying still for that amount of time, on a hard surface.

I can manage to do them at home effectively clearing my skin up but it was soo de-stressing to get the face massages and the care.

Pedicures are pretty indulgent as well though, as there are instances where I neglect my legs and feet so pedicures make up for it.

Did I ever tell you about my driving lessons when I was excited about learning to drive and getting a car?

I can't remember how old I was, 17yrs/18yrs maybe. I'm sure I was still a teenager.

So my Mama arranged for a friend at Church to give me some lessons.

In one way, he was a likeable chap and in another sense, I felt like he was trying to parent me, which I felt was out of order.

And at that point I was probably at the height of my rebellion so instead of being quiet, I had random angry outbursts, which few people saw or expected.

It first started at a Church beach outing and I was reading a Mills and Boon book hahaha.

And he was outraged so he said you can't read that and he tried to talk to my Mama and say, have you seen what your daughter has in her hands?

Mama didn't say anything because she wasn't bothered. I was either an adult already or I was getting there.

I wasn't embarrassed, I have very few friends and I knew there probably wouldn't be anyone to talk to on the coach and I didn't want to be bored.

Hence the book so when he just kept hounding me. I snapped and said....

You're not my Papa. Only he can tell me what to do! The whole of the coach as well as himself was gobsmacked.

He could not say a thing to me after that because he knew I was right.

Go parent your own damn kids and stop trying to bully me into submission.

Anyway that passed and bad feelings didn't linger but he gave me one driving lesson and after that I quit because he was shouting at me.

Teachers are supposed to be patient and tolerable and he wasn't.

I was supposed to turn or pause and I didn't know how so I just took my hands off the steering wheel and knew he would take over to avoid crashing his precious car.

He was yelling and screaming at me. Saying can't you see the obstacle?? And I didn't appreciate that.

I lied and said nope couldn't see it and I think he gave me another eye test, to see a registration number...

The first one I think I read it easily and after that incident, I faked and misread it on purpose.

And he was like hmmmm, I'm not sure your vision is good enough.

I drew the conclusion that I didn't want to be in another situation where I was being verbally attacked.

My vision is really bad anyway, I wear contacts, I can barely see when it's dark. I'm short sighted.

I can't really read signs far away and it made me realise that, drivers have to have eyes in the back of their heads.

They have to see clearly and be responsible and fork out a lot of money, for insurance and taxes and the rest of it.

I didn't want to do that, with barely having enough money to live on and buy groceries.

And Mama kept pressuring me to learn because for some reason she didn't want to.

I don't know why but as the parent, if she wanted a car, she should have passed her test.

She knew if I had passed my test that I would be giving her lifts and picked her up when she wanted, which was fine.

But that didn't happen anyway. I didn't feel comfortable that I would be able to see properly even in the daytime.

What if my lenses fell out? What if my vision got blurry or they slid out of place?

I couldn't exactly pause to remove my lenses and re-insert them in traffic, could I?

There is no way I could drive with glasses because I only have a quarter of vision with them and at the sides, no sight at all.

I didn't mind taking the bus, except if it was really far or I had tons of shopping with me.

And the one thing I was adamant about was not getting into debt. I bought what I could afford.

She had this bad habit of relying on other people for lifts so it felt like, instead of taking a cab, we would be the last people there, begging for a lift, which was humiliating and tiring.

That was one of the reasons I just fought against socialising with family because it could never be a short visit, it was almost to the point where we overstayed our welcome.

Eventually I started taking cabs home or taking the bus early because it was draining to be in those gossipy, back-stabbing, judgy environments.

I think my point with all this, is that my sibling stole my Mama's credit card bought a car and in the whole of his life, has only given her a lift a handful of times.

I don't think she's ever said You owe me. He has never said I'm going to make it right and treat you with respect and show you care and consideration.

But instead of blaming him for being a thief and a user. She brought it back to me saying.

I really wish you had become a driver. You would have made my life so much easier.

SS - screwed up again right? She really can't do anything right and she is to blame because she only thinks of herself and is selfish to the core!!!!

One of the reasons I didn't want kids is because I thought I would be a bad parent, as mine sometimes were.

I know I am entitled to put my needs first because I can now. I deserve kind thoughts and actions because I was always deemed to be......... WRONG and heartless.

I wasn't self-centred before but I am now!

#BlogLife412 - Morning chill

I know I know, technically it's the afternoon but I'm still on morning time. I didn't have the greatest sleep.

I kept waking every few hours for some reason. I did try and go to bed early but it just didn't take.

I did get blocks of sleep though maybe that's why I feel alright. I have to try and stop scratching my face and near my eyes but it still feels soo icky.

It's a strange thing that happens. I wake up, wash my face and I feel it and it seems back to it's normal smoothness and then probably five minutes later, it's back to it's horrible roughness.

I can't wait for the treats to arrive, tracking hasn't moved much, it's not with Hermes yet but it's the busy season so I might not get it this week after all.

We'll see. I'm sorry that the Christmas theme/template didn't work out, I saw a bunch and got excited but two hours later, nothing panned out.

They just didn't look good or didn't display correctly so they were unusable. If I get a temporary new one I'm not sure if it will be festive..

I'll keep searching but it's hard to get free ones and then I have to edit them and remove repeated bits and get rid of the labels as I hate how that looks.

The Twitter feed was lost and I've forgotten how to replace that, I know it's a simple thing and I'll google it at some point but for now I have other things to do.

I don't think I can finish any stories. After I complete all my daily tasks I'm exhausted, I mean mentally as well as physically and I need some energy to write.

As I've said before, BlogLife writes itself so that's easy and takes no effort so it's more doable than composing stories.

I was thinking today about family and boundaries. At a certain point I saw relatives in an unflattering light and that was a sad day as I had always given them the benefit of the doubt.

Now I barely talk to any of them. I think it's just the ongoing disrespect, they treated my niceness as though I were a fool and I hate that.

One such example is when I stopped talking to my older brother and the cousins kept asking continuously how he was doing and what he was up too...

He was their favourite because he was just as snarky and falsely confident as they were so he fit in to their clique.

I know that I wasn't sure of myself or outspoken but I always tried to be helpful and polite.

Anyway I got increasingly angry and frustrated when they hammered me about his well being.

Eventually I just said.. "Look I don't talk to him, you know this, if you want to know how he is, contact him directly and find out for yourself and stop asking me."

As they always without fail acted surprised at my reaction, when I had been repeating the same speech!!

Their so-called innocent response was always..... "Well I was just making small talk and asking."

Ugh but they knew I had a fractured relationship with him and yet pleaded ignorance just because they all had close knit bonds with their siblings.

I mean that's great for you and I freely admit I was jealous as hell, to have that nurturing healthy interaction and someone that looked out for you.

I tried to reach a numerous amount of my cousins but they just didn't see me in a good light, they were hyper critical of everything I said and did so it wasn't a good atmosphere for my psyche.

I guess it just reminds me of Dictator (who has been weirdly silent for a week and a half now).

He routinely asks about my health but it's not a caring enquiry at all, it's a habitual question.

If I ask you how you are today? I care about what your answer is and my reaction will go according to that.

When I tell the truth and say, I'm really hurting today, I feel dizzy or sore or whatever.

His face is shocked with surprise............ "Really???? Sorry to hear that!!"

He knows I'm poorly but it's the mock sincerity and he's the one that causes me pain in the first place.

I would rather he just not be fake or sarcastic or whatever it is he's doing and just get on with the appointment and discuss my progress.

While I was putting on my lenses another memory popped into my head, I don't think I've shared this one, forgive me if I have..

My friends and I were going to a club, I was probably in my early twenties and looking trim.

I was probably a size 12/10. Clothing sizes vary on what stores you go into.

I had a favourite one that was in the market and on certain days there was new stock and some of it was ridiculously cheap.

I genuinely used to stick to dark colours but occasionally lighter ones, depending on the style and it flattered me.

I didn't have anything new to wear so I was browsing around in a few places.

Yeesh back then I had boundless energy and flitted from here to there, determined to get a good deal.

The only thing that was remotely appealing and fit me superbly well was this plain white dress and I didn't wear white all that often.

But it looked amazing on me and white is unforgiving! I don't know how I recall this but it was just £6 and I couldn't get over, how great this deal was.

In the end after ummming and ahhhing and asking everyone if I should get in and them exhaustedly saying...... Yes if you like it, go for it!!

I snapped it and then hunted for a shrug or top, something to go over my wobbly arms which I hardly ever showed off.

No matter how many workouts I did, I never had toned arms. A flat tum back then but arms nope lol.

I went to another place and I think I negotiated a price reduction as it was this beautiful lace white long shrug, that would enhance my plain dress.

I think it was just under £20 but I probably paid about £15. I was laughing because this beautiful thing cost more than my dress!!

Anyway the two together looked stunning. I was a fox!! I think I put silver/white sparkling nail polish on and put my hair in sections, separated with white snap clips that held it in place.

To finish off, it was clear body glitter around the eyes and neck. White mascara and white eyeshadow, against caramel skin, looked flawless!!

I just don't remember the shoes. I doubt I had white, so it was probably black court shoes, which were my favourite style.

I remember being so proud because that was one of the few times, I styled my hair prettily where it stayed and it looked cute,

Normally it was a horror show lol. It would start straight and then half curl, or flatten and have no volume.

I don't think it was a huge group but we went inside and I didn't realise that I would be a glow in the dark mascot ha.

Everybody in white, for whatever reason was glowing, so I joked anybody lost, could just look for me.

I recall this one male friend had latched on near me and I thought it was strange as he had confessed he liked my friend and I never saw him in a romantic light.

I kept encouraging him to go dance with her and he said No, no maybe later and I never understood why until years later when he said, that night, you looked so good, I found you attractive.......

And I thought........ Ummmm..... Hmmm.... That's weird as I didn't think you saw me in that light.

He was a good looking chap but I just didn't have those feelings for him.

It's funny though, everytime it was late, I always made him walk or drive me home, haha!!

He always grumbled and said it's just around the corner and I said I don't care, do your duty as a man, protect me bahahaha!!

I don't think I was scared, I think I just wanted company to walk home so I wouldn't be bored *sly grin*

You know a thought just popped into my head. I had a few male acquaintances that turned into friends but the lines always seemed to get blurred.

I realise I wanted some safe male role models around me, to prove that some men could be decent and not frighten me.

But either they assumed I was crushing on them or they touched me inappropriately or they flirted with me and that wasn't what I sought.

In the end I gave up on trying to find any male friends. I felt too creeped out. The amount of times I was groped, in the guise of a hug...... Was just disgusting!!

#BlogLife400 - If Twitter dies.... *400th blogaversary post*

Happy 400th Blogaversary!!

Song of the day - Kool and the Gang - Celebration

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

How are all you sixteen wonderful readers doing? Yup I mean every single one of you?

Moi? Well me personally, I'm good thanks. It's amazing what switching off the phone and getting some decent blocks of sleep will do.

The nausea/cramps still come and go but I've stopped throwing up so that's a great thing.

I wish that I could have surprised you with a completed story but I'm just not there yet.

I think, I know that's why I was more realistic about finishing them at the end of the year, that's more doable as I'm juggling things on a daily basis now.

One of the things I'm looking forward to in December is wearing my red perfume.

It can be worn anytime but because it's red and has this sweet sort of flowery musk to it, it just reminds me of Christmas.

I have a daily version which is blue and that's another favourite. They're all just Elizabeth Taylor types as I've turned them into my signature scents.

They're just feminine and classy and give my senses a boost. I should really do a vocal introduction everytime there is a milestone post but I've already forgotten how to do it.

I know that I said I would read a post or story but I get sooo nervous that I get tongue-tied and stumble over words or just laugh because my face is bright red and I can't disguise it in person.

Even surrounded by family and friends, even if it's over the phone, I still just feel self-conscious.

I'm not sure why, maybe because the focus is solely on me and my blog is so personal that it feels weird to put myself on display in front of people?

Here on blogger I can tuck myself away and nobody can see me or know my identity and that's freeing, which is the opposite to how I've always felt.

Normally my tactic would be to avoid talking about myself and direct questions at the other person and distract them and I would say that it works well because opening myself up, to this day, is still a challenge.

I don't want to get too technical about the title. Twitter has changed hands and under the new management, the employers left because change was dictated.

So the service remains in peril. That's just to explain the title, I'm not getting more into it.

But out of Facebook and Twitter, I really do prefer the latter. It's just nice to have mini vents to air out my grievances and then I can forget all about it and move on to the next crisis.

Plus I use it to advertise the new posts and share what's going on with me.

I never ever did that with Facebook. I tried to get into it but I just couldn't.

If the worst happens, either I'll find an alternative or I will just use Facebook to advertise myself.

I've just googled some alternatives and Mastodon seems to be the highest recommended platform.

At least I have options. I'll also miss the Twitter competitions but again, there is always Facebook for that.

I have a whole week of not needing to go out for anything and I'm so relieved.

My body is not painfully aching all over but there's a section which has been hurting for a few days now.

I think it's more when I'm on my feet and walking around, it tends to twinge and I don't know if it will fade away or get more intense.

I'm wrapped up in my heated blankie as usual as it's freezing this morning and the warmth helps my bones, which is one of the reasons that I love winter.

I don't really like to get up earlier than 10am as a few hours later I'm sleepy, I woke up at 9amish and it's 11:32am and I'm already feeling tired.

As I was preparing breakfast, which I don't usually eat, but I cooked because I was sooo cold.

My brain was chattering on about today's post. (Ok at this point, I fell asleep).

I was trying to be really good and post this in the morning but I was yawning so much, that I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

Growing up I started off normal, chattering away and then lil by lil I was made to feel shame and seen as an outcast.

It started with my immediate family and was amplified by cousins, aunts and eventually friends.

I was silenced alot mid sentences and received snide comments that were muttered under the breath.

Are you really wearing that?

That's your opinion on that?

Why do you think that? We all agree on the other way?

Oh I know you don't understand this but we all do and it's hilarious....!

Oh you can't/refuse to do this? Well, we all do so it's going to be done!

My personal favourite...... Are you really going to eat that? Umm do you really think you should?

When we're in public, pretend you don't know me, don't embarrass me!!

You know it took me a long time to realise, this.. That I was being bullied.

This was the point where, instead of being excited to share my views, volunteer to my put hand up and join in, I felt stupid.

I constantly felt like that, even to this day. I'm very conscious of what I say and to a degree, how I act.

I do not want to be ridiculed! I can make fun of myself and admit my mistakes and I'm alright with that but if someone is mean about it, I don't accept that.

It was at this point, my mama was pushing me to socialise because I didn't realise why I had difficulty making friends.

I didn't want to say anything at this point, just in case, it was perceived as nonsense.

I didn't know how to look inwards. I didn't know, why I didn't want to talk or socialise.

I just knew that I wanted to be seen as smart and funny and sweet and I just felt foolish.

I convinced myself that I was doing something wrong, to make people treat me badly.

It couldn't be their fault, right?

My voice was spoken at the normal level and then it got softer, quieter and eventually sorta disappeared into a whisper...

One instance is this, we were at a family gathering. We were all outside playing games.

I have no idea what the new game was but I didn't want to participate so instead I was the host.

I don't know if I was reading questions, or judging submissions but my voice was a whisper and I didn't consciously know this.

People were saying can you speak up, we can't understand you and then everyone said it and I stood up and said something like....

Well if my voice isn't good enough for you, then find someone else!!

I think that was one of the few times I actually stood up to them and I realise this was a silly thing to make a stand about.

They weren't particularly being cruel, maybe their were some whispers about....Hmm her in charge?? Really??

But I ignored all that and started to have fun, I think. I remember this because this was at a pre-teen time, when I didn't confront anybody mistreating me at all.

I think in my own ways, I was rebelling in random outbursts. I wasn't really furious. 

I just thought for once, couldn't they get off my back and say job well done but so and so really wants to take over, instead of once again, hurting my feelings?

I recall sitting in that room alone and nobody for ages, checked up on me.

They eventually did and I rejoined them or said I would babysit while they continued playing..

When I got into my teenage years, that's when I pieced together some of it, that people weren't treating me respectfully and I tried to avoid them.

But my mama who was heavily into religion, pushed me to hang out with them, even though I explained how unhappy and depressed they made me feel.

It was this struggle of, maybe I'm overreacting to their cruelty? Or am I? I should forgive them and let them walk all over me because religion dictates I be a bloody doormat!!!!

And this went on for years. Until once again, I decided to take a weird stand.

My mama was furious but it served her right!! It was a celebration, maybe it was my birthday so my mama invited the cousins that I despised at this point over.

I told her I wanted nothing to do with them. First and maybe second cousins, something like that.

I holed up in my room, refusing to come down, to the bewilderment and great mortification of my mama.

She was horrified and inside I was pleased but once again, seen to be this drama queen.

One by one, everyone came up, "acted sweetly" Oh hey, what's up?

Can I do anything for you? It's more fun if you join us... I think I barely said a few words. I didn't even look at them!

Which consisted of.... No thanks. I'm good and that was it. You see I still couldn't confront them and say, do you really want to know why I'm being like this???

It's because you treat me like dirt. You belittle me, laugh at me and don't even know I'm aware of what dicks you all are!!!

Eventually people mature, even though gossip just flies around, same as ever...

Some of them changed but I think because they never apologised or felt bad about treating me horribly..

I distanced myself and whenever they suggested getting together I made up excuses, that they were insulted by but never had the courage to ask.... Why??!!

I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself but I've made progress and will continue to try and improve my bad habits.

I know I've said some of this before but I really just didn't like myself and didn't know why and I do love myself now.

I'm proud of me and each time I say that, it's significant because I never thought I would feel that way, ever.

I hope this explains why my heart and brain constantly try to protect me from people because I don't ever want to loathe myself ever again.

I don't want to disappear into the abyss of depression that I grew up in but family does this to me and they continue to steal my joy and peace.

But in my own way, I'm fighting the hold they have over me and constantly learning to say NO!