#BlogLife637 - Ouch! What did you just say...?

Song of the day - Ed Sheeran/Cardi B/Camila Camello - South Of The Border

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICrnFX0_LOc&list=WL&index=45

I know once I discover a new artist, I look for more songs from them that I might enjoy, but that's the last of the Camila songs for a while, until I discover more.

I had a late morning, making sure I caught up on the lost sleep, even though I napped yesterday.

I didn't even game in bed, I think I drifted off fairly quickly, which again is unheard of with my insomnia but my body obviously needed the rest.

Then when I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I was thinking about what I'm going to write about today.

To be honest I had no clue, sometimes there is an abundance of ideas, other times I really struggle.

I generally began thinking about yesterday and if there was anything more I could discuss and I realised there was.

A reminder for the regulars and new information for the newbies, I grew up pretty meek and shied away from any disagreements or conflicts because I didn't feel strong enough to handle it.

Plus I felt I wouldn't be able to articulate my point across with much clarity.

I was really opposed to looking foolish, I had zero confidence and conviction in myself and everyone around was a critical audience.

Anyway the more I got to know myself and got comfortable with knowing what I wanted and what I would tolerate from others, I started vocalising my opposition, to the way I was disrespected.

It's still difficult, I still struggle, I pick my battles but I feel like I'm more inclined to speak up, except with family, that's just too unsafe, mentally and physically.

Yesterday I think because of the lack of sleep, I felt really on edge and temperamental.

I think my filter was removed. I can be really tolerable, not if someones being rude but if they are just wanting something that I'm unhappy to provide, I may just go along because I'm not 100% against it.

Now some of the chatrooms have this microphone feature which is separate to the webcam, so almost like a phone chat, without revealing your face.

And one of the randoms talked me into it but I'm a voice person, if I hate the voice, then it's not a relaxing time.

Not to get sidetracked but I was thinking why I like deep voices.

It could be because the majority, well all of them really, were just so immature, that they lied and mistreated me constantly.

Out of all of them, only maybe 1 or 2 had pleasing voices. One in particular, knew what he wanted from a partner and out of life.

Even though he was totally wrong for me, I respected that side of him.

Maybe I associate a deep voice, with maturity? And that's why I gravitate towards it?

Anyway so we had this voice chat and at first I thought Oh okay, not bad and then I thought, No, it's my type of voice, plus it kept disconnecting.

In the end, it just felt unpleasant. I felt really uncomfortable and he wasn't horrible just flirty-ish, which made it worse.

Yesterday, with my truth hurts, no nonsense approach, I had been putting off telling him and I just blurted it out, all the things that were bothering me about him.

He kept asking me for pictures and I kept saying NO. But he still carried on, which got me closer to the breaking point.

I don't like my wishes ignored, that's disrespectful. So I just said to him, please don't ask me for any photos, I've already made myself clear.

And I won't be taking anymore voice chats because I don't feel comfortable with it.

I felt a lil mean and harsh as I typically do, when I put my needs above someone else's but I also felt relieved and better for speaking my mind.

The funny thing was, as he was questioning why, he came out with this speech that he didn't mean.

Oh I see, sorry you feel that way, I don't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable and I said Thank you, I appreciate that.

Then he stopped talking ha! So I blocked him.

The correct response I was hoping for is this..... I didn't realise how you felt.

It wasn't my intention to cause you any discomfort, thanks for sharing how you feel, I accept your decision, let's move on.

Ha, I rarely get that reaction! Another random was just asking me personal questions and I said No, I'm not going to go into details.

Typically I get......... Ohhhhhh okkkkkk. Completely sarcastic and bitter.

Instead of.. I respect your answer, let's talk about something else.

If I flip it back on myself and someone says something harsh but truthful, not to hurt me, but to express an opinion.

It might sting, I might feel attacked or sensitive but once that feeling calms down..

I'll think alright, I don't agree, here is why but I'm not going to go ballistic on them for speaking their mind, even though we are not on the same page.

If however someone is being direct but vicious on purpose, then I will happily rip them apart because there are ways to say things, that don't offend people.

You can't hurt for the sake of hurting but you can put your point across sincerely and explain why you feel that way, while respecting them as a person.

Suffice to say I blocked him as well, because the sarcasm normally continues as do the questions, they ignore my boundaries or they become belligerent and chats are supposed to be de-stressing not an all out war.

#BlogLife379 - Disabled? Nope unacceptable!

I'm used to certain attitudes. I've been introduced to a lot of consultants who are supposed to advocate for those who has health issues and disabilities and not one of those have helped me.

They increase my stresses and strains and put pressure on me to be "normal" and not as I am which is a sick person struggling.

I didn't realise how angry I was about the lift situation until I was explaining it to another person but it was because once again instead of someone accommodating MY NEEDS, they are uncatered for.

I was telling her, I'm used to that sort of response and she looked so gutted and guilty, even though it's not her fault.

She was just listening and supporting me, telling me to put my health first and foremost and that she would give me anything I needed, I just had to ask.

I did really require that actually. I thought I had shrugged it off and although I wasn't shouting, I was laughing it off but I was disgusted.

I did update her on the whole situation. Particularly the stairs and she was horrified and ready to intervene but I stopped her.

I just needed someone to hear me out, I guess. I don't understand the manner, it seems counter-productive.

If you want to motivate someone, shouldn't you see what their needs are and the best way to help them along, instead of forcing them into weird unattainable duties??

Is the thinking behind it..... If I push and push, she'll relent and give in and do things my way, even though her physical/mental well-being will drastically suffer to her detriment?!

I honestly don't understand it. I get coercing someone gently into something different but doable but this isn't that, not even close!

I feel dangerously ignored as though, there's no point saying I'm limited to certain activities because I'm talked over and nothing I admit, is taken into consideration.

What's so threatening about having a disabled person on your list? I'm still a human being, I just have different specifications.

Rolls my eyes. Same ol same ol nonsense. Never quite disabled enough to matter and I'm the only one that cares about my safety!

I constantly have to put up with this crap!!! 

#BlogLife349 - The guilt of eating

I really struggle to eat sometimes but usually I will push myself to maintain the meal times routine.

I don't want to binge or skip meals. I just want to be normal and consume at the right times.

At certain moments when I see an abundance of food, it just puts me off and I lose my hunger pangs.

I just think, should I be eating this or at all? Should I go back to starving myself?

There is/was/is a lot of whispers. Voices and people's opinions that I've always had to contend with.

DIsgusted looks for having any sort of appetite and being made to feel ashamed and disgusting for feeling peckish or craving food and nourishment.

That is pretty much the way I was treated by family, friends, boyfriends and people around me.

It was hardly like ooh, let's all savour this and be happy about it. It was more like...... Do you really need that?

Don't you think you've had enough? You're starting to get chunky again.

How can you be hungry at this hour? I found it so damaging and there was so lil control in my life that choosing not to eat was some sort of freedom probably.

I started doing it at school, instead of partaking of lunch, I would aimlessly walk around and burn calories.

I don't know if I did it on purpose or not but I distanced myself from people.

The more I did it, the easier it became but sometimes I genuinely was famished so I would eat and then weigh myself and feel angry I had no discipline as the weight shot up a lot when I resumed.

I find that a mild schedule helps. I cannot be rigid. 9am breakfast, 1pm lunch, that doesn't work for me at all.

I feel hungry and sleepy at different times so I do try to listen to my body saying.. Umm coooeee I would appreciate a meal now, thanks.

I also fluctuate with drinking enough. I can go half the day and not have a single drink or just one and that sustains me but nowadays I coax myself to have more fluids and stay hydrated.

It's the mindset that gets to me. Food isn't bad. A lot of the times it's delicious and I attempt to remind myself that I'm enjoying this feast as it's one of my favourites.

That is a good thing. It's healthy to consume something and relish eating it.

Over the years I have definitely had to re-train my brain because it's still a struggle to eat in front of people and not feel self conscious as though I don't deserve food.

I have also gone the other route with binging on chocolate, sugary snacks and general food. I didn't purge but I didn't feel reckless and unhappy in general.

I would viciously cut out foods, calories, sugar, carbs, whatever ridiculous fad that I made my own because when I didn't eat I was flat but starving but when I did munch, I was bloated or had a huge tum tum.

It took me so long to realise that the only way for me to be skinny was to not eat at all.

It sounds so dumb but I would exercise all day and at night just to try and keep a trim figure that I could never maintain with eating.

I'm not built that way. However when I ditched the bmi (body mass index) indicator that said I should weigh hmmm..

I've forgotten, it was either 7, 8 or 9 stones which was impossible for me to keep up and live.

I think 10 and a half was the most normal to me, that I kept for the longest time. I was able to eat and exercise and it chopped and changed minimally.

Alright let's say it was 10 and a half to 11 stones. I think my size was 12/14/16. 

It always depended where I shopped. It was crazy but I thought to be accepted I just had to give up all food.

Obviously it didn't work like that because people found other faults.

I wasn't as smart or talented as them. I wasn't popular. I wasn't pursued by a million guys and didn't have any successes with dating.

My hair wasn't edgy. My nails were too short. Good grief the list goes on and when I was that age, pre-teen to teen I did care.

I thought I have to conform and change myself to be one of those clones however lil by lil my individuality was trying to break out.

It was contradicting everything I had believed which was, they are right and I am wrong.

It was saying, it's more than fine to be different, it's a unique way to express yourself from the sheep.

You don't have to like what they like. Contrary to popular opinion, you don't have to strive to be skinny.

Presently this is where I get muddled as a big girl/woman, I love the cleavage, the curves, the non-dieting if I'm frank.

However I also hate the abundance of me. Half of me wants to be a few stone lighter and the rest says I should accept being shapely.

What I do know is that I don't want to punish myself anymore. It's important to be healthy so what I wish to put more effort into is working out.

I miss the morning dance party workouts actually, that was pretty fun, blasting the music and singing tunelessly while I was doing beauty treatments or making breakfast/lunch.

I also used to do night time stomach exercises which over time produced significant results.

As for the sugar/cakes, if I ban them, I'll binge so I will alternate between healthy and unhealthy.

For example I had the super sugary milkshake lollies and then I switched to sugar free ice poles which were a culture shock but still refreshing.