#BlogLife927 - Do I want to feel good about myself or do I want a parent in my life?

I feel like I'm making myself sick with this stress. My throat isn't even sore, but it's dry and hoarse, I sound like a man ugh..

I'm still not ready to talk to Mama but I should text her and say I'm ok, I just don't know the correct words to use to explain my absence...

I am also avoiding being confronted as to Why........? I've always censored myself around her, never felt free to say..

The way you treat me sometimes is unacceptable. I can't talk to someone that is unreceptive.

It just feels so wrong to put my needs ahead of hers and stick up for myself.

Parents are supposed to be held in high esteem, aren't they? I should text her while she's at Church, that way she can't respond.

I'm selfish I know that. I should just carry on letting her treat me badly.

But I just can't do it anymore. Texting I'm taking a break is circling in my mind but the Why question is too...

Ok that is done as my voice is cracking. I just said I'm fine, I just need a break from you for a while and I'll be in touch.

After a while she said ok.

I knew she wouldn't have the courage to ask why and I'm not sure I would have told her.

That was pretty funny, I looked over the Iceland order half was missing then two seconds later I'm re-buzzed and I know it's the regular guy apologising.

We just laughed as I said I just realised also that stuff was missing, aka the bread to make toasties and the fillings, plus snacks.

I don't feel supported but that's nothing new, I do however feel creative which is strange I guess.

My throat is burning, it hurts to swallow and I feel stuffy plus sicky.

I thought I was going to throw up again but I didn't.

I got banned from another chatroom with no explanation ha. There are alternatives so I'll join one of them, so silly.

The more I'm pressurising myself to be ok and healthy is the worse I feel.

I hate that I'm on a deadline and I hate that I have to see the twit advisor on Thursdays with the buses not running properly.

I did make a to-do list maybe I'll copy the posts/story from 7 Cups to hear as one big post.

I feel like I was going to say something else but I can't think, maybe I already said it?

I don't know how much I'll be posting while I'm recovering. I could have spaced these out but I had to publish, I don't know why..

To clear my brain maybe..

#BlogLife636 - Snap me up with your eyes..

Song of the day - Shawn Mendes/Camila Cabello - Senorita

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pkh8UtuejGw&list=WL&index=44

I think I had about two saline bottles left and I am at the end of my cleaning solution for my rgp contact lenses so I decided to see if I could get some bargains.

Yes and no really. I got two Avizor cleaners for £16 ouch, I wanted to get the Ote because they have been formulated to be gentle and everything else burns my eyes but it's too expensive.

I think it's like £10 or some nonsense for 1 bottle. I did have better luck with the saline, I've seen one bottle for £8 but bulk buying is better and I got 4x for £15 because there was an additional discount at the til.

I didn't have a great morning on one hour's night sleep. It was my own fault this time, I had an all nighter with a random, we were just having a laugh and it was cute.

But then I just kept dry heaving all morning, really severely. I could have looked at the international shop full of goodies but I've got snacky stuff at home.

It was a really mild day and I layered up just in case. On second thoughts, after trying all the dips, I actually just favoured the onion and garlic one.

I will buy it as a single pot, next time. Hmm L just asked me about G, which is a big coincidence.

I haven't gotten back to her but it reinforces the feeling that I did the right thing in cutting him off.

Noone should set out to offend people. If you're acting or saying something controversial, then take responsibility for being a horrible human being.

I'm very careful about what I say and do and try to be respectful of others and not treat them badly, unless they are provoking me or something about them is rubbing me the wrong way.

Sometimes by not laughing and joining in and disassociating from certain types of unkind people, we can give them a new point of view to discover.

That says, you don't have to agree with me or think the way I do but you definitely have to look at the type of person that you are and question if that's appropriate, to live and act that way.

You can't pretend you're nice in one breath and then say something incredibly rude and hurtful in the next and expect people to remain friends with you.

Life doesn't work like that!

#BlogLife581 - An agreeable savage

 Song of the day - NSYNC - Girlfriend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WmirUc-EPw&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=60

I know I'm incredibly late today, sorry about the tardiness. I just had a lot to do and shopping to get.

But now I'm free to write and think clearly. I probably only had a few things to get from Ocado, which was the mouthwash (Corsodyl) and a face wash.

The pink rose Nivea one, which I can't even recall if I've used that one before.

Plus I love the Badedas so much I bought another one. Then I think the rest was snackies.

They just broadened their lunch range and I rarely, in fact don't see beef sandwiches at all, so when I saw one, beef and horseradish, which I wasn't sure I had ever tried before..

I thought it was worth a shot, plus a new range of sushi, woop. The chicken katsu which again is not spicy, phew but really tasty is great, plus there is another one I have to try.

I can't think of the name and I'm too tired to look it up. I feel pretty good aside from feeling a lil tender and tired.

I've been wrapped up and for the most part, taking it easy, aside from tasks I had to sort out.

So that helped de-stress my body. I found some more recommended tunes on Youtube, more songs of the day coming.

Also I took the plunge and saw a £15 bluetooth earbud set on Ebay and got it and it's supposed to come tomorrow afternoon, we shall see.

Ideally I wanted a newer bluetooth version, a multiple device pair option, stereo sound, good price, a long distance range and a clickable button operation, as those make it easier.

Rather than facing the disconnection, having to put it back in the case to restart it because it's switched itself off and then taking it back out again to pair, ughhhh.

Mine has some of the above, the description was a bit short, oh and of course, insanely long battery life.

Now on to the title. I wouldn't say I was a pushover, I can stand my ground but sometimes I'll accept that I'm in a nice surrounding..

I like the company and I will be more willing to play nice, as it were.

To be more accommodating and meet someone halfway or offer a bit more of myself.

Now I don't often do this because I rarely feel comfortable or as though I'm with someone that's going to give me my space and allow me to go at my own pace.

Yesterday I did that. I had spoken to this random before and he seemed fun, although some slight immaturity and stubbornness were coming through.

But I ignored that and yesterday I don't know if I was testing the waters but we were in opposite sides and at first I didn't think much of it.

But then he started being particularly rude. What's the word I'm looking, demoralising? 

It's like when you're going for the kill, you don't just want to hurt someone, you want to mess with them.

And I thought, hmmm, so that's the way you're going? He could have said, let's compromise or this is why I feel strongly, can you please hear me out?!

But nope it got vicious and I wasn't totally invested but before that, he had seemed alright.

Afterwards though I was laughing because I knew that I was going to torture him back but worse.

Some silliness I will block and ignore, with others I get my claws out.

And it is because certain characters because I'm sweet to them, think I won't stand up for myself, they assume I'm exploitable.

This is where I teach them a lesson. To respect others. I threw it back in his face and called him a Useless Bastard!

He was floored and his only response before he left with his ickle wickle tail between his legs was..... Hey.

As in how dare you. My response was simply, Exactly, not nice is it??

Don't underestimate the nice ones, we all have claws and we all bite!!

#BlogLife580 - Would you let your partner dirty dance with another?

Song of the day - Machel Montano/Patrice Roberts - Like Yuh Self

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjOf0MyeQPc

I like the beat of this one but not the lyrics, unless I have it wrong.

The message is like yourself by being slutty and dirty dancing with whomever you feel like and I as your partner, have no claim and will do the same?

Ickkkk. I would only do that with someone I was seriously dating and to be honest, I don't even think I would do that.

There are too many songs about cheating or a gateway to it, as when you get flustered, your inhibitions get lowered and the temptation is there to get carried away.

Why put yourself in that situation in the first place? I would find it disrespectful.

I remember on a first double date, the guy I was with was trying to do that to me and I stepped back and said No thank you.

I did not feel comfortable at all but maybe that was also because I didn't find him appealing.

I hold my hand up and confess, I have done it before but I think it was a more tame version.

I only recall our thighs touching and that was the extent of it lol.

Unlike what I write in my books, which is a bit more explicit. I admit when I'm on own, with friends, I can be a bit more daring.

Shimmying, wigging my bottom, swaying my hips to the music, that kind of thing and I have been dancing all day today.

Which has elevated my mood because I feel a bit off, tired and pmt-ish, bloated and uncomfortable.

Plus my gums are inflamed again, ugh. I keep gargling with salt water and I'm running out of that special mouthwash so I'll do an Ocado Zoom this week.

The dirty dancing I'm referring to is the umm, the grinding, hip to hip type of thing, which is a lil too spicy for me.

Are you inhibited? Or do you try things once? Do you say No to new experiences or push yourself to go out of your comfort zone a lil?

There is no right or wrong answer. It is whatever you feel alright doing and won't have horrible regrets afterwards.

Most of the time, I have felt split. My initial thought is to object and take myself out of this potential scary situation, which I can't control.

Other times I have tested my limits and gone for it with mixed results.

I'm not sure what pushes me to make an exception. I guess I go with my gut.

I spoke to one of the randoms, a newer one, who was local-ish and he wanted to meet for a drink and I thought maybe that wouldn't be so bad....

But then he kinda keeps insisting on coming back to my place, which I already explained was out of the question but it's as though he is ignoring my objections, which is offputting.

Plus for some reason the second conversation I had with him was extremely awkward for some reason.

Oh possibly because he has the crappiest phone and 99% of the conversation was me saying, You're muffled, which is just ridiculous.

How do you get to that point, where you can't be heard but still keep the same phone?

If money is an issue, get a second hand one, although he was saying he likes his Iphones, so he can't be that hard up for money, they cost a fortune as do the Samsung ones.

I haven't really spoken to him since and I think the other reason for that, is I can see him getting really clingy.

As I told him that the next call would probably be in the evening, when I'm free.

During the day, I like to write, nap, do any paperwork necessary, sort through my emails and whatever else needs my attention.

In the evenings, I slow down and have more free time, away from multi tasking.

He literally said, what were you doing all day, that you couldn't contact me sooner?

Which was a huge red flag. If the random isn't busy having their own life and responsibilities but waiting for me?

Ugh, I can't respect that. I would feel smothered, which is probably the real reason I didn't give him my name or number or email.

My instincts said run. As there have been times, when I've been happy to call and be called during the day or have a text session but only because the random in question, was also busy.

They were multi tasking and occupied but made the time for me because they were as into me, as I was to them.

Otherwise I am just repelled by the amount of attention received.

#BlogLife502 - I feel respected today

I didn't get much sleep last night but I did have a glorious nap in between deliveries so that was nice.

Pretty much everything has arrived now, except for one more lippy. (That came yesterday actually).

When I say lippy, I mean the glosses, as I have never found a lipstick shade that I actually liked and that suited my skin colour.

I still find it difficult to find darker shades for non caucasian skin tones.

It always looks way better on the paler models and then typically when I receive it, I find it hideous.

Some women can pull it off, wearing brighter shades and all power to them as it looks classy but for me personally....

It doesn't look good, except for certain pinks and beiges but with the reddy, plummy, purply colours.....

Eeek there is a fine line between suitable and disgusting. I've known the regular Postie for quite a while.

Maybe I've explained that as much as I try to hustle to get to the door as some used to leave really quickly.

I always ended up banging my knee/foot/leg and hobbling painfully to the door.

Because he surprised me today and apologised for being over exuberant with the doorbell.

And that's actually the first time it seems like he's remembered what I've told him.

That I am a sick person so it does take a while to get up and get to the door but I do profusely thank him as always and wish him well.

I think it was just strange but really nice to hear that someone was taking my health condition seriously.

And it's doubly worse because it's not noticeable, I don't have crutches or a wheelchair anymore but the damage is still there and continues worsening.

Even when I'm trying to explain my ailments, I get a lot of blank stares and disbelief which is quite hurtful.

I feel like I'm being called a liar, without them actually saying it. It's quite sad to constantly experience that.

To feel as though I have to prove it to be believed by 99% of people. It stresses me out.

If someone was saying the same thing to me, I wouldn't immediately question it, unless they were fake, I would sympathise.

When I was a lil girl, I had a lil bob and a fringe and I think it looked fine but from pre-teen onwards, the idea of having short hair was out of the question.

I had this idea that it was going to look masculine lol. I think that's why I avoided it for so long.

Women around me had cropped stylish do's but anytime I tried it, with the so-called professional hairdressers, they butchered it so badly.

I don't know why it took so long to start doing my own hair, possibly because I loved the shampooing scalp massages too much.

Or maybe I thought this time will be different, it will look wonderful.

The £2.15 NYX lippy in the Dark Magic shade is actually dark. I'm so thrilled. I adore it.

It was a pain in the butt to open, felt like it was superglued together because it took me an hour to use it.

It's not that moisturising and I probably needs about 2 or 3 coats because not a lot seems to come out and it's not thick but not watery either.

I would definitely repurchase it as it is the darkest colour to date. I wore it today and it looks fabulous.

Almost black but not quite. It just needed a shiny thick clear gloss on top and it's perfect.

Plus it was quite cheap, normally they are double that price. The shampoo and face mask might wait to use those.

I will just say that the Black and Red Argan £4.48 face mask smells like vimto/ribena and that cracked me up :D

Never in my life have I tried a mask that smells of sweet berries but that was the initial assessment, might be different when it's applied.

Hmm it's going to be difficult to wait until other products are finished before I try them....

Oh the pink and blue top for £12.50 each, arrived as well. Hmm they fit way looser than the X tops, which is great.

I don't know if I like the colours, the quality for all of them is high and I will always wear something long sleeved underneath now.

I don't really show off any bare skin, except neck, hands and that is about it.

I don't want masses of attention. I like to feel safe when I'm outdoors and I might say hello back if I'm greeted but I rarely hang around past that.

I still feel that nervousness of being insulted or grabbed but I also want to feel a lil different to the normal styles I see and cute in my choice of garments.

I just applied the thick mud mask to my face, it's a lil tougher than I thought it would be.

It still smells of berries. I'm supposed to leave it to dry for 15minutes so I'll see after that.

My skin feels oily and bumpy at the moment. Will this make a difference?

It's not preventing pimples, I still feel them budding on my face. It does take away the oiliness and leaves it as though I have applied a toner.

In the morning my face still felt fresh and smooth. The fragrance isn't bad, I just find it unusual.

I think my issue is that it's already started off tough, over time it's going to get really hard and I might end up binning it, which is a waste of money.

I haven't used the new lippy yet. I put images up on twitter but I feel really sick today so I don't want to use it yet.

I will say though, that it actually smells of plums. Normally I don't find they are scented at all but it's cute and different.

It's the Boots brand CYO in Out Loud, dark purple for £2.94. I feel lousy but I look fantastic in the new get up.

I'm pleased I bought them all and I got a bunch of snacks from my favourite Market too.

Dried plums, unsalted cashews, puffy crisps, unsalted hazelnuts and those Gullon chocolate oat biccys.

I have zero appetite!! If I can manage it this will be the 2nd week without a period.

Woohooooo!!! Nausea? Yes. Cramps? Yes. Bloating? Yes. Period? No!!

#BlogLife412 - Morning chill

I know I know, technically it's the afternoon but I'm still on morning time. I didn't have the greatest sleep.

I kept waking every few hours for some reason. I did try and go to bed early but it just didn't take.

I did get blocks of sleep though maybe that's why I feel alright. I have to try and stop scratching my face and near my eyes but it still feels soo icky.

It's a strange thing that happens. I wake up, wash my face and I feel it and it seems back to it's normal smoothness and then probably five minutes later, it's back to it's horrible roughness.

I can't wait for the treats to arrive, tracking hasn't moved much, it's not with Hermes yet but it's the busy season so I might not get it this week after all.

We'll see. I'm sorry that the Christmas theme/template didn't work out, I saw a bunch and got excited but two hours later, nothing panned out.

They just didn't look good or didn't display correctly so they were unusable. If I get a temporary new one I'm not sure if it will be festive..

I'll keep searching but it's hard to get free ones and then I have to edit them and remove repeated bits and get rid of the labels as I hate how that looks.

The Twitter feed was lost and I've forgotten how to replace that, I know it's a simple thing and I'll google it at some point but for now I have other things to do.

I don't think I can finish any stories. After I complete all my daily tasks I'm exhausted, I mean mentally as well as physically and I need some energy to write.

As I've said before, BlogLife writes itself so that's easy and takes no effort so it's more doable than composing stories.

I was thinking today about family and boundaries. At a certain point I saw relatives in an unflattering light and that was a sad day as I had always given them the benefit of the doubt.

Now I barely talk to any of them. I think it's just the ongoing disrespect, they treated my niceness as though I were a fool and I hate that.

One such example is when I stopped talking to my older brother and the cousins kept asking continuously how he was doing and what he was up too...

He was their favourite because he was just as snarky and falsely confident as they were so he fit in to their clique.

I know that I wasn't sure of myself or outspoken but I always tried to be helpful and polite.

Anyway I got increasingly angry and frustrated when they hammered me about his well being.

Eventually I just said.. "Look I don't talk to him, you know this, if you want to know how he is, contact him directly and find out for yourself and stop asking me."

As they always without fail acted surprised at my reaction, when I had been repeating the same speech!!

Their so-called innocent response was always..... "Well I was just making small talk and asking."

Ugh but they knew I had a fractured relationship with him and yet pleaded ignorance just because they all had close knit bonds with their siblings.

I mean that's great for you and I freely admit I was jealous as hell, to have that nurturing healthy interaction and someone that looked out for you.

I tried to reach a numerous amount of my cousins but they just didn't see me in a good light, they were hyper critical of everything I said and did so it wasn't a good atmosphere for my psyche.

I guess it just reminds me of Dictator (who has been weirdly silent for a week and a half now).

He routinely asks about my health but it's not a caring enquiry at all, it's a habitual question.

If I ask you how you are today? I care about what your answer is and my reaction will go according to that.

When I tell the truth and say, I'm really hurting today, I feel dizzy or sore or whatever.

His face is shocked with surprise............ "Really???? Sorry to hear that!!"

He knows I'm poorly but it's the mock sincerity and he's the one that causes me pain in the first place.

I would rather he just not be fake or sarcastic or whatever it is he's doing and just get on with the appointment and discuss my progress.

While I was putting on my lenses another memory popped into my head, I don't think I've shared this one, forgive me if I have..

My friends and I were going to a club, I was probably in my early twenties and looking trim.

I was probably a size 12/10. Clothing sizes vary on what stores you go into.

I had a favourite one that was in the market and on certain days there was new stock and some of it was ridiculously cheap.

I genuinely used to stick to dark colours but occasionally lighter ones, depending on the style and it flattered me.

I didn't have anything new to wear so I was browsing around in a few places.

Yeesh back then I had boundless energy and flitted from here to there, determined to get a good deal.

The only thing that was remotely appealing and fit me superbly well was this plain white dress and I didn't wear white all that often.

But it looked amazing on me and white is unforgiving! I don't know how I recall this but it was just £6 and I couldn't get over, how great this deal was.

In the end after ummming and ahhhing and asking everyone if I should get in and them exhaustedly saying...... Yes if you like it, go for it!!

I snapped it and then hunted for a shrug or top, something to go over my wobbly arms which I hardly ever showed off.

No matter how many workouts I did, I never had toned arms. A flat tum back then but arms nope lol.

I went to another place and I think I negotiated a price reduction as it was this beautiful lace white long shrug, that would enhance my plain dress.

I think it was just under £20 but I probably paid about £15. I was laughing because this beautiful thing cost more than my dress!!

Anyway the two together looked stunning. I was a fox!! I think I put silver/white sparkling nail polish on and put my hair in sections, separated with white snap clips that held it in place.

To finish off, it was clear body glitter around the eyes and neck. White mascara and white eyeshadow, against caramel skin, looked flawless!!

I just don't remember the shoes. I doubt I had white, so it was probably black court shoes, which were my favourite style.

I remember being so proud because that was one of the few times, I styled my hair prettily where it stayed and it looked cute,

Normally it was a horror show lol. It would start straight and then half curl, or flatten and have no volume.

I don't think it was a huge group but we went inside and I didn't realise that I would be a glow in the dark mascot ha.

Everybody in white, for whatever reason was glowing, so I joked anybody lost, could just look for me.

I recall this one male friend had latched on near me and I thought it was strange as he had confessed he liked my friend and I never saw him in a romantic light.

I kept encouraging him to go dance with her and he said No, no maybe later and I never understood why until years later when he said, that night, you looked so good, I found you attractive.......

And I thought........ Ummmm..... Hmmm.... That's weird as I didn't think you saw me in that light.

He was a good looking chap but I just didn't have those feelings for him.

It's funny though, everytime it was late, I always made him walk or drive me home, haha!!

He always grumbled and said it's just around the corner and I said I don't care, do your duty as a man, protect me bahahaha!!

I don't think I was scared, I think I just wanted company to walk home so I wouldn't be bored *sly grin*

You know a thought just popped into my head. I had a few male acquaintances that turned into friends but the lines always seemed to get blurred.

I realise I wanted some safe male role models around me, to prove that some men could be decent and not frighten me.

But either they assumed I was crushing on them or they touched me inappropriately or they flirted with me and that wasn't what I sought.

In the end I gave up on trying to find any male friends. I felt too creeped out. The amount of times I was groped, in the guise of a hug...... Was just disgusting!!

#BlogLife379 - Disabled? Nope unacceptable!

I'm used to certain attitudes. I've been introduced to a lot of consultants who are supposed to advocate for those who has health issues and disabilities and not one of those have helped me.

They increase my stresses and strains and put pressure on me to be "normal" and not as I am which is a sick person struggling.

I didn't realise how angry I was about the lift situation until I was explaining it to another person but it was because once again instead of someone accommodating MY NEEDS, they are uncatered for.

I was telling her, I'm used to that sort of response and she looked so gutted and guilty, even though it's not her fault.

She was just listening and supporting me, telling me to put my health first and foremost and that she would give me anything I needed, I just had to ask.

I did really require that actually. I thought I had shrugged it off and although I wasn't shouting, I was laughing it off but I was disgusted.

I did update her on the whole situation. Particularly the stairs and she was horrified and ready to intervene but I stopped her.

I just needed someone to hear me out, I guess. I don't understand the manner, it seems counter-productive.

If you want to motivate someone, shouldn't you see what their needs are and the best way to help them along, instead of forcing them into weird unattainable duties??

Is the thinking behind it..... If I push and push, she'll relent and give in and do things my way, even though her physical/mental well-being will drastically suffer to her detriment?!

I honestly don't understand it. I get coercing someone gently into something different but doable but this isn't that, not even close!

I feel dangerously ignored as though, there's no point saying I'm limited to certain activities because I'm talked over and nothing I admit, is taken into consideration.

What's so threatening about having a disabled person on your list? I'm still a human being, I just have different specifications.

Rolls my eyes. Same ol same ol nonsense. Never quite disabled enough to matter and I'm the only one that cares about my safety!

I constantly have to put up with this crap!!! 

#BlogLife371 - I'll never be who you want.....Mr Z

Hi I'm Pilar and you've met me before, several times in fact. You know that I'm respectful polite, punctual (mostly) and truthful so what about me screams pushover??

I haven't lied. I haven't exaggerated, why do you think you can manipulate into saying or doing something that would make sicker??

You told me to check something out that isn't feasible in any way shape or form and then you asked me a question that has been repeated practically every time I've seen you.

WTF! Why? Am I suddenly going to announce my long term permanent un-curable health conditions have suddenly departed???

I have 10 minutes where I can stand and that's it. Afterwards my body starts shutting down and I'm done.

It's like you're saying I know best. Except that you don't. I know my body and what it's capable of sustaining.

At least meet my halfway you colossal waste of space!! Nothing you are saying or doing benefits me but I promised someone I would give you a fair chance.

Crimity!!! Can't you show me an ounce of respect? I've been laughing at the outlandish venues you want me to trapse too.

They aren't even nearby there are off in different cities. I don't even drive and even if I did, I still wouldn't attempt it.

I'm not looking to strain my body and add further stress to my life so why the hell are you??

Why are recommended people for those that struggle with disabilities the absolute worst people in the world???

Why are we treated as though we are able bodied and the same as regular folk??

My face is constantly contorted in pain and discomfort. I'm not faking that. My face is smothering yelps.

What about that disposition tells you I am capable of what you're demanding that I do??

At least I am doing activities that are feasible and accomplishing what I set out to do, which is more than enough to keep you happy.

I'd like to see anyone of you advisors stuck in hospital or a bed for months unable to move and see what kind of person that turns you into.

Yes at times I fell apart absolutely I can freely admit that but I also put myself back together.

I could barely move my limbs at one point, certainly not enough to even take my lenses out for days and then when I finally removed them, I wasn't able to put them back in.

Life was literally a blur but I'm stronger than you give me credit for, hell that I give me credence for.

I've been through a hell of a lot but I'm able to get on each day and write, write and write some more.

Sometimes it's the only thing I look forward to doing and other times it's satisfying taking a break.

My point I'm not going to let you make me feel bad for underperforming.

I'm doing just great and in fact I am impressed at my efforts in dealing with some very challenging tasks and passing them with relative ease.

#BlogLife287 - PTSD button pushers

At certain times I do feel invincible like nothing can faze me and I can take on anything. I'm in my merry lil world and everything is perfect.

I think mostly though there are invisible cracks in my shield and it doesn't take much for me to feel pushed into a corner, fighting to breathe and feel steady on my feet.

I had an instance today that was fully recognisable. It feels like this acquaintance set out to goad me and act superior, not really that nice, especially when they came to me for insights.

I'm trying to remain calm and not turn bitter at their rudeness. What makes it more irritating is that they are seemingly arrogant.

Meaning, to themselves they are full of bravado and self belief but if they truly were, they wouldn't be talking down to people. 

They don't even realise they are being immensely disrespectful by dictating questions I should be making enquiries about and asking me all manner of inappropriateness at the same time.

My head is ready to explode but I take a deep breath and assert myself. I courageously tell them that I'm happy to try and help them but first they have to value what I am trying to say..

Which is I'm uncomfortable with your grilling and can we change the subject? Also if you are going to continue ignoring my wishes, then you can find someone else to converse with.

Pro tip for anyone that is seeking sympathy......... Do not rile up your audience that is willing to be there for you.

Don't act above them and say, If I were you I would ascertain this firstly and would you please calm down and do as I'm instructing you..........

Big, huge mistake!! That will get you nowhere! Three strikes and you are out. I just clearly stated that I was sorry but I couldn't stick around for it.

What made it worse was the lack of self awareness and then being told that they are just like me and as such I should know how better to read people!!!

Arghhhhhh! Purlease. You have no idea what I'm capable of and unlike you, I can see things objectively. I know when someone is being polite or when they are being rude.

I hate to say it but yes I am better than you because I don't treat people like crap, I lift them up and renew them.

This just triggers the part of me that says SS, you're completely unworthy of attention. Why should I listen to you? There's no intelligent interpretations to gather from you.

Every single day I have to just cast aside these horrible nagging doubts and come through the other side feeling capable and tough.

Even though this confrontation was still difficult, I managed to deal with it correctly and take myself out of it. I still feel a lil guilty I can't fix their personality....

But I'm only human, I can't assist everybody........

#BlogLifeLife187 - Bugged out *strong language*

Afternoony, how are you all doing? I hope you got a great Christmas haul and are still enjoying your gifts for those who celebrated the season.

Don't get used to the weekend posts, I only published yesterday because I needed to clear my head and get it out of my system.

On Saturday night I slept alright and woke up at 9amish and figured I might as well get up and finish packing. 

I had to leave around 1pmish just in case the grocery order arrived prematurely.

Cab companies are so greedy that they take bookings even when no cars are available.

I found it so difficult to even do a food order because when I'm depressed I don't feel hungry at all and I didn't remember what I had at home.

I just ordered some basic meals and mostly snack stuff like cereals and crackers.

For breakfast I had leftovers because I knew even though I told her that my hands break painfully when carrying excess things, she would insist I take it.

I wasn't even hungry but to avoid lifting the bags which are already heavy I just ate something. The only thing I packed was some lemon drizzle cake and that was it.

I already felt dizzy and queasy. I went downstairs around 1.20pm and was just standing there, until the idiot driver arrived 20 minutes later, at 1.40pm instead of 1.30pm.

Sometimes they arrive early and with 4 bags, I might as well just wait downstairs, instead of rushing.

This twit is sitting down as per usual so I'm struggling with all these bags and every time I open the passenger door, my bags slam it shut.

My mama comes down shouting at the guy for being late. Then the clown decides to get up off his arse and open the car boot, doesn't ask if maybe he could take a bag from me.....

No no no, so I am trying to shuffle forward painfully with these bags. He decides I'm not moving fast enough and what does the bastard do?

Says......Ahh okay, you just sit them at the back with you. He shuts the car boot and walks calmly back to his seat.

What an asshole!!! My mama does offer a hand but I'm just irritated at this point so I just dismiss her and say I got it.

Eventually manage to get the door open, dump the bags in and sit down.

The fuckwit has the cheek to ask if I'm okay? I roll my eyes and say yep, just chronic pain. I slide my headphones on and close my eyes.

I'm listening to music and trying to break away the tension in my mind.

We arrive and I just literally throw my bags on the floor and climb out. I'm tired, my hands are killing me and I feel I want to vomit.

I wanted to nap but if I did, I wouldn't hear the buzzer when the shopping arrives.

I just lounge on my bed, skip lunch and have a drink, hoping that will settle my tummy.

Then when the food does arrive, I unpack the heavy bags and go back to lounging. I figure I should eat, but can't stomach a full meal so I just have some crackers.

I didn't have an early night but I was so shattered that I think I fell asleep much faster than normal.

I didn't wake up until 12pm which is wonderful for me as usually it's just about 5 hours sleep.

I knew my body needed to rest as well as my mind so I feel no pain at the moment and slightly better.

I did have breakfast if you can call it that at lunchtime and I'm looking forward to yoghurt later with some crunchy, nutty, oaty muesli that I haven't eaten for maybe a year.

I think I just need to overall stop looking for approval from my family because one, I'm never going to get it and two, most of me has now stopped caring.

I need to make peace with how they justify criminals in a higher respected regard and me who has always tried to be a good person as beneath them and not worth their time, attention and thoughts.

I just need to live for myself and continue trying to conquer new challenges and be proud of myself for trying my best and attempting personal growth and dealing with health issues, the best way I know how.

It may not be pretty or uplifting but these methods work for me, as someone who struggles to share and feel good about myself.

You could try to be happy 24-7 and look on the bright side of things but then you're not being true to yourself.

Being ill means you have to take the good and the bad and it's fine to say, you know what?? I'm not at my best.

I'm in crippling pain and I don't feel like being positive because I'm feeling really sorry for myself and I don't want to hide the pain anymore.

That's actually brave and healthy. You might feel self conscious at first but it's just acknowledging your needs.

I normally text my mama to say I arrived home safe but yesterday I didn't because I'm still angry with her.

If I think about it, both my parents fucked my head up and chipped away at my self esteem all throughout my life.

I wish it was something I could grow out of but every time I am with family, the same shit happens.

It's like all my achievements go out the window. Every good feeling perishes.

I try to be tough and thick skinned and for a while it works and then eventually day in and day out. I just die inside.

It's not all bad, there are some light hearted moments but the bad is outweighing the good.

I think when someone isn't acknowledging someone's flaws.. I don't know, for me it's like saying they never did anything wrong at all and that just destroys me.

I think it's the fact that she gloats about the other two as though they are Kings and doesn't critique them but with me, she is quick to point out my mistakes and flaws continuously, over and over again.

Being verbally attacked was so hard to talk about in the first place and the fact that family was doing it, was shameful but now it's like their slate has been wiped clean and I'm supposed to forget being tortured?

Fearing for my life, each day???? Like it was nothing. They keep uttering how much marked improvement they have made and yet still have violent outbursts.

Still expect things to be perfect and how they wish them to be. One of them was staying with mama's friend who is elderly and is now forgetting a lot of things.

He doesn't offer any money to stay there, I'm guessing, although does offer to do chores. (Never for my mama) and because she was getting muddled and not doing certain things, he was aggressively shouting so loudly that she was in tears.

Even my mama said, do not shout, lower your voice but in the same breath she will say, she agrees with him.

This person has probably given him hundreds of pounds probably more like thousands) and let's him stay whenever he is local as mama doesn't have a spare room.

Granted, she can afford it and enjoys the company but still he can't keep his temper in check and expects to sleep in, when the hosts is an early riser??

You see it's that type of shit, that pisses me off. My mama doesn't see anything wrong with this behaviour. She was saying Ohh he can't even sleep in, when he's there.

He's a fucking guest! An ungrateful shit at that! He should be at a hotel paying heavy fees. The bastard doesn't even pay back his own mama with the kickbacks he receives.

He owes her maybe a grand that he's stolen by selling her computers, using her credit cards, buying and shifting various items, over the years..

And yet he and the other one are saints, that are just darlingly perfect in everybody's eyes.

Do you get how much that pisses me off? Because I see the evil that is there. I see the people behind the masks.

I don't get how she doesn't see it!!! Yet I should be like them???!!!

Hah!!! No thanks, I would rather treat people with respect and not take advantage, sorry but that's just me, I have my own morals to live by so I can look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed!

***Two last things I forgot to add***

Happy New Year to my wonderful readers. My brain is overloaded at the moment so trying to think clearly is an uphill battle.

Secondly I try not to get involved but even with headphones, I can gather word for word the entire conversation.

I pointed out in a mild tone to stop mentioning a certain action which her friend for some reason doesn't want to do, even though it would benefit her.

It ends up frustrating both of them and then I said avoid the other thing, which you don't like but she does.

It's obvious. Mama agrees and says that sounds plausible and better.

I figure now I don't get to hear about it and what happens the next time she talks to her friend?

She harps on about the sameeeeee thing. Ugh, like talking to a brick wall. No fun at all.

You're right, I don't know why I bother either. *shrugs*

#BlogLife170 - Keeping up with the bucket's (pronounced bouquet's)

Do you remember that comedy? Keeping Up Appearances? It was a British show on TV about a woman and her husband and her neighbours and alleged friends.

She had an over inflated ego and a sense of entitlement. Wanted to be seen to be wealthy, a social butterfly and prestigious, however this always failed and people saw right through her.

I know someone like that so when we sat down to watch it as a family, me and mama shot each other knowing looks and laughed.

This person was judgemental and brash and cold. She couldn't sit still, the place always had to be spotless, trash emptied, whether the bag was empty or not and had to have brand names everywhere.

Her husband was the complete opposite, he was warm and friendly and down to earth. He would help anyone that needed it and would strive to make anyone feel welcome and jolly.

She was the queen of critique and always had to make snide comments and gossip. She was looked up to for a long time and her kids were the spitting image of her.

Unpleasant to be around. Then as time moved on and I got older, she lost her audience. People were less sociable. Everyone had their own family to contend with..

Her ego was deflated and maybe some confidence and you would think that would be a humbling experience for anyone but she continues to be slightly more bitter, needy and rude.

I just find it amusing how she always pitied and looked down on my mama, well all of us really and then it turns out, not many people want to be around her now.

Whereas my mama, who didn't have true friends or much of a social life, now is buzzing from place to place and constantly receives invitations to dinner.

I guess my point is, no matter who you try and pretend to be, the truth will out you eventually so you might as well make peace with it and show others respect.

#AgonyLife5 - Dear SS Why can't I vent, why do I have to wait until others start?

Hello you. Figment of my vast crazy imagination. How are you doing today? Not good? Why?

I am really angry. I want to swear and say the P word but I won't. I can help it sometimes.

I feel like I am pretending to be a good person but really I am not. I listen, I support and the easy ones are a breeze.

The challenging angry rude ones who are just immature and there to waste my time. I feel antagonised by.

Am I supposed to let them be disrespectful to all of my efforts and powerful advice? 

Am I doing a disservice by not taking it? By actually cutting them off and referring them onwards?

I used to just let them attack me but now I just give a reprimand and I am very direct and curt.

I feel a whole lot better doing that, than just letting them treat me poorly.

But if I compare myself to others, they seem to handle it better or maybe their buttons aren't pushed. Disrespect is a problem for me.

It will always be an issue for me. I wanted to vent today and eventually I did and felt better but I specifically wanted to have an angry outburst on the volunteering site.

To say.......

Don't any of you just get royally livid with the insufferable bad chats?

Don't you want to just scream and curse and kick something?

You are all so calm and reasonable. Can somebody be irrational and in a bad mood and not be medicated with words but allowed to stay hostile but well mannered?

That is what I need so that I can join in. I just can't be the one to start it off.

Want to know what I think?

I think you are not just a good person, but a caring one. I think anyone would feel as you do.

That you are giving up your time to help someone in need and not only do you not get thanks (at times), but they are needlessly offensive.

Nobody deserves that!

And I am telling you now, if being politely short with them, helps you maintain the control and helps you feel better.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You are providing a service. 

They can disagree or pick fault but they cannot, verbally abuse you. 

I would never stand for that and I don't care what the setting, you don't need to either, okay?

Smiles. Thank you. I actually did really want to hear that. I feel better 

:)

#BlogLife146 - Truth hurts was my motto

I'm actually not sure if it still is my motto. I'm still blunt and direct and will tell you the unkind truth for your long term well being but so many people just want to hear their own version of the truth..

The lies they have told themselves to make being a pushover seem acceptable, when really it is not. I'm glad that at least some people can recoil in horror but then quickly understand where I am coming from.

I'm not misinterpreting the scenario. I am not being mean. I am not exaggerating the facts. I am just telling you the reality and giving you options.

I am not dictating saying do this or that. I am laying it all out for you, what you do next, is your decision and you have to live with the consequences of your actions.

You picked on the wrong girl to ask for advice from. You thought I would be like a warm protective hug? Telling you that everything is fine and that you don't need to grow up and act like an adult.

Plus have a serious talk and assert some boundaries because all that is too scary and you would rather carry on being mistreated for the rest of your days..

Ooops. Big mistake. I am all about the personal growth and your happiness is what I care about. Right now you are in a cocoon of deceit.

This utterly delusional but safe bubble world. No bad thoughts can penetrate and ignorance is bliss. I mean you only have suspicions and zero trust but that's alright..

You just continue being stressed and anxious and wishing you were being treated with respect but not demanding it and see how it works out for you.

It's your life, do as your please. I am saying nobody respects someone who doesn't respect themselves. You will continue to be taken advantage of until you have the gumption to say...

Hey...... Listen up. Your behaviour towards me is unacceptable and offensive. Either you apologise and change your ways or I will leave your sorry ass alone and look for someone a thousand times better!

And if you lack the balls to confront without an ultimatum then good luck expecting any change for the better. Things will continue declining and that person will laugh ten times harder knowing they have you, right where they want you.

That they can get away with murder and you will let them because you have made no effort to teach them the correct way to behave.

You absolutely do deserve better but don't take my word for it. You have to believe in yourself. Feel that you are entitled to careful consideration and genuine affection.

Think about it...... You know I'm right :D

#BlogLife64 - When did women lose their self respect?

 *Sighs* Look I am aware that a lot of you have remained with your dignity and pride but too much of you have lost your damn minds!!

When exactly did you decide that any man was good enough, even if he treats you, like you are barely tolerable? When did you start seeing yourself as less than?

Men are never going to be my favourite people. I have been through too much. Sometimes I didn't call them out when they were treating me with contempt..

But I knew a lot of the time, it was a game. Let's see how easily, how quickly we can make her cry or burn with self loathing. I refused to play their game.

I did surprisingly stand up for myself a fair bit actually. When I look back. I hated confronting them and screaming but there was no way I was taking their insults.

I slapped them. I yelled at them. I cursed them out and I goaded them right back, pointing out their laughable characteristics. All of them, thought twice before doing it again.

They assumed they could get away with it because I was quiet and soft spoken. Wrong! I observe and scrutinise every damn word you say.

My question is for those that are being cheated on and verbally abused and treated inhumanly..... Why are you standing for it?

Worse still, why is he the hero and you are the unworthy one? When did you stop liking yourself? When did you give up and settle for trash?

"No no no no. You don't understand. Let me explain he is...."

I don't care what he is. My concern is you! Take a long look in the mirror. Replay all the hurtful evil things he has ever said to you.

Look at how your face changes. Why do you believe his untruthful words? They are lies, to keep you down and tied to him.

Go and write a list right now of all your best qualities and if you tell me, you can't think of any? I will slap you until you do. What do people admire about you?

Read the list and realise it is all correct. Those people see the real you. He doesn't. Now every day from now on, read or memorise the list and claim back your self worth!

I deserve respect

I am amazing

I have so many beautiful qualities to my personality

I am gorgeous

I am a great friend

I make people smile/laugh

I am kind and thoughtful and brave.

I love me and if I don't I will work on myself, until I do!

Apologise moron!

Hoidays are both a lighthearted and stressful time of the year but typically a time for children and then mothers. They take charge and make sure everyone is catered for and spoilt with presents and goodies.

In trying to keep the peace they mollify hostile tempers but don't always stick up for themselves and this very situation leaves other siblings beyond aggravated that the idiots in question do not respect and cherish sweet mothers who show their love in countless ways for very little appreciation or gratitiude.

My brother's are two such egotistical people who shout, borrow, neglect and mistreat my mother who is a saint for putting up with their utter BS!! 

Apologies may just be words but they mean a hell of a lot and it shows contrition.

To be aware that you are acting like a prick and then be remorseful takes courage but to not even be aware that the universe doesn't actually revolve around your selfish ass is thoughtless and despicable.

Take note all you imsignificant miserable cretins that do not show appreciation and high regard to loving parents.