#BlogLife1018 - Sanctioned for being disabled?

Song of the day - Pete Rock/C.L Smooth - They Reminisce Over You 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6mdRv0ZdR8&list=WL&index=85

I know I haven't done a song of the day for ages and I found this by accident, I used to play this over and over for the beat.

A very old song that I forgot about and now added to my playlist on the phone.

There are so many songs I loved and cannot remember the names of them.

Anyway spoke to Mama about the chocolates and she confirmed it, overly bitter and not sweet really and we both like the occasional premium chocolate treat so when we indulge, we want to savour and enjoy it.

Fun Iceland has some new items to try soy and ginger sticky chicken pieces, which sounds nice £4 for a 400g bag, we'll see..

Then finally Chicago Town has a bbq chicken and veggie pizza, maybe they read my chicken lovers idea post, ha, as if :D

£1.75 for 2x minis is good value, cheese, green and red peppers and chicken, fun and no corn, woop.

I'll be surprised if they are in stock by the weekend when I do my shop.

BT keeps calling me but I don't know if it's really them or spam so I've been avoiding it and I have too much to do anyway.

I'll eventually call them up. It's nearly 11am and my appointment was for 10am.

I was there on time for the cv workshop farce. Oh just before that I printed out 3 pages and was charged £3.56 by Ryman's..

What the hell is that about? £1ish per printout??? It was black and white, not gold coloured..

I suspect I was ripped off a tad. Last time it was.. Forget it I can't find it but there is no way it was that much.

Do I have Exploit me and treat me like crap tattooed on my forehead??

Anyway, he did all the printouts except my cv, I've no idea why he didn't do that, yeesh the things I have to do because the library assistants suck!!!

So I didn't bother to wash my hair, I was up early, maybe a few hours of sleep..

And I try to register with the reception bit that I'm here and I'm told it's upstairs.......

My advisor knows full well I have disabilities but he doesn't respect me and seem to think I'm being a lying prima donna.......

I suspect he wants to get me in trouble. Congratulations you sorry excuse for a human being, mission accomplished.

I'll probably get sanctioned for failure to attend. Stairs make me dizzy, and it aggravates my condition, I feel like my insides are tearing.

So I said I can't do the stairs, there are computers downstairs, (I assumed someone would work with me on that).. there is also working lift, they do not let anyone use.

There is about half a dozen security guards doing nothing at all.....

If it's a safety thing, transport, one person at a time, you absolute dickheads!!!

Anyway, the advice was to write a message in my journal to say I can't manage the stairs because of my condition.

(That the schmuck is well aware about)!!! I can see him reporting me spitefully.

Ugh I was supposed to hand over the printouts to him as well. I didn't even pop in to get some snacks I am so peeved!

How is this world so nasty??? I have bills to pay and they'll probably stop my payments for a few months....

I do what I can and I not putting my health and safety at risk. Last time the pain was so bad I could barely walk.

My entire body stiffened up. I can't believe the prejudice. As usual I will update you on what happens next.

I am tired and sore and have lost my appetite, that's nothing new..

#BlogLife415 - Icy dic-tator

Happy Monday!!

Not sure why I'm starting the post like that either but it's been a day and then some and it's only 1pm.

Why do I only remember to browse for thick women's nightshirts at the end of the Year.

I saw a really cute long thick red one but it's sold out and now discontinued, boo. It was just £11 arghh!!

I got to keep looking but not sure I want to order anything here, might get it delivered to mama's.

I honestly can't believe it snowed and stayed on the ground, normally it's a light dusting and then by the next day, it's vanished or it's slush.

But this was trekking through inches of snow, I actually thought my boots were going to come off, it was that deep.

I got ready an hour early for Dic-tator, the hair didn't set right, so ponytails it was and now I'm back home, the curlers are going to be left in for a few hours to fix it.

Anyway good job I set off early as the buses aren't running on time and I would have been late again.

I love overhead headphones, my ears are never cold as I use them as earmuffs.

But I digress, guess who calls me....? I can barely hear him but I answer and he says, are you going to show up today???

Would it have killed him to say.. "Listen *insert name here* It's snowing, it's freezing, why don't we have a phone appointment??"

But Nooooo, instead he's trying to have a meeting on the phone and still wanting me to arrive promptly ffs!

I just said I'm my way and could you see me earlier and he agreed.

What made me laugh, aside from mine and everyone else's Penguin walks through the snow, is that the meeting again took a few seconds.

But.......What was really fascinating, was someone else was disabled and had a frustration with the lift being broken and he was going to make her, climb the stairs, like a ........

Anyway, I stepped in, proudly talking over him and said, I call them and make them come down to see me, just do that as I'm disabled also and do not do stairs.

Only then, did he say, Umm, let me speak to whoever you are due to see and have them meet you down here!!

You prejudiced so and so!!! You're not going to make me swear today!!

Hopefully that's the last meeting for the year, he didn't mention the next one and I didn't ask.

I'm gutted that Amazon don't do flexible timed deliveries even with a free Prime trial. 

I can't risk the neighbours getting a hold of it, so one more meeting tomorrow morning and then Wednesday it will be delivered as I'll be home.

Ooh I just polished off the Yo Sushi salmon and avocado rolls, that was delicious and fulling.

6 inside and it was £4 originally but I paid £2.40. It had crispy onions with it and I'm not sure how you're supposed to mix it but I didn't, will save it for something else, very tasty though.

The teriyaki sauce in a sachet, I didn't like. Sushi is hit and miss and honestly, the only time I seem to like it, is not from the restaurant sorry but it's from the supermarket, it's just seasoned better.

I love that some had avocado included but I didn't really taste it, except for in one of them.

I'm not a fan of tuna and I think the chicken katsu one had either pork or something else I didn't fancy, else I would have loved to try it.

I also bought that Cadbury's bar again and some scratchcards for the family.

When I remember to get them, it's probably the only time in the year that I do, just for some silly excitement.

I don't play the lottery, I think that's a waste of money, but scratchcards are a lil more entertaining.

Oh something I've been craving but having since is macaroons and not that dry biscuity type.

I mean proper cakey macaroons. I prefer Tesco originals but I only saw Mrs Crimbles chocolate drizzle coconut types, that will have to do for the family as well.

I'll see what other biscuits or ooh I know, I'll get the Ferrero knock offs, everyone will love that.

I'm still freezing, the heatings turned up but I miss my blankie :(

Soon my pretty, just have to get through today and tomorrow and then Wednesday, my snuggly baby will be home.

#BlogLife379 - Disabled? Nope unacceptable!

I'm used to certain attitudes. I've been introduced to a lot of consultants who are supposed to advocate for those who has health issues and disabilities and not one of those have helped me.

They increase my stresses and strains and put pressure on me to be "normal" and not as I am which is a sick person struggling.

I didn't realise how angry I was about the lift situation until I was explaining it to another person but it was because once again instead of someone accommodating MY NEEDS, they are uncatered for.

I was telling her, I'm used to that sort of response and she looked so gutted and guilty, even though it's not her fault.

She was just listening and supporting me, telling me to put my health first and foremost and that she would give me anything I needed, I just had to ask.

I did really require that actually. I thought I had shrugged it off and although I wasn't shouting, I was laughing it off but I was disgusted.

I did update her on the whole situation. Particularly the stairs and she was horrified and ready to intervene but I stopped her.

I just needed someone to hear me out, I guess. I don't understand the manner, it seems counter-productive.

If you want to motivate someone, shouldn't you see what their needs are and the best way to help them along, instead of forcing them into weird unattainable duties??

Is the thinking behind it..... If I push and push, she'll relent and give in and do things my way, even though her physical/mental well-being will drastically suffer to her detriment?!

I honestly don't understand it. I get coercing someone gently into something different but doable but this isn't that, not even close!

I feel dangerously ignored as though, there's no point saying I'm limited to certain activities because I'm talked over and nothing I admit, is taken into consideration.

What's so threatening about having a disabled person on your list? I'm still a human being, I just have different specifications.

Rolls my eyes. Same ol same ol nonsense. Never quite disabled enough to matter and I'm the only one that cares about my safety!

I constantly have to put up with this crap!!! 

#AgonyLife15 - Dear SS My invisible disability isn't seen, advise please?

Firstly I'm sorry that you are dealing with whatever current health condition(s) that you are facing. 

I just hope you have someone on your side that believes in you, to prop you up, listen and support you.

You can go the traditional route and keep pestering doctors until they run every test possible and narrow it down that way..

But you will still have to call up all the inner reserves you have and then some and fight to be recognised as disabled.

It's brutal and exhausting and it just destroys you mentally. I used to keep being referred here and there and these people kept scoffing and looking down on me.

This was due to not passing their pigeon-holed, narrow-minded tests and they weren't smart enough to diagnose me when I knew what it was all along.

Unfortunately you have to be patient with these exasperating fools and just keep explaining your symptoms as comprehensively as possible and hope that somebody, somewhere sees the light.

I've been doing it for about 20 years and still have not been officially told what my condition is and I still get a condescending tone and rolled eyes which caused some of my depression and feelings of worthlessness.

If I'm then forced to do things that I can't manage, the physical and mental result is panic attacks, fear and emotional destruction.

The pain is intolerable and I have to recover in bed for days, especially if it's something extremely taxing like climbing stairs, excessive walking, bending or lifting, my body locks the pain in place so next time I go out and try to move anywhere..

It freezes and then the pain is so excruciating that I just want someone to put me out of my misery because it's not only embarrassing to be crying your eyes out in the high street but there is no break from this suffering.

It's getting worse. I can stop and frequently do to lean on a wall to have a reprieve but the discomfort doesn't lessen it.

It grows so when I go back to them and say because you made me climb stairs, unduly walk, bend, or lift, I can barely function and wish I was dead...

They shrug and say......

"Oh err, well I assumed you were lying. I mean come on, you're not in a wheelchair or crutches. You seem perfectly healthy, just lazy and over-entitled."

I hope that noone ever says the above to you but I'm used to it. It's been 20 years of the same garbage.

If you can, jot down notes and maybe time frames, add as many details as you can, enquire to friends and family for further input and then refer to your notes because it helps the idiotic doctors, consider alternative disorders.

To conclude repeat this.......

I am sick and suffering and miserable and I'm so tired of hearing that I'm healthy and exaggerating and faking.

I recognise myself as being disabled and I deserve respect. 

I deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt because you are essentially killing me by denying me that right.

I don't want to go on anymore. Every time you make me relive my situation, I cry uncontrollably and my strength falls away.

I cannot do this by myself anymore, I need you to meet me halfway.

Take care of yourself, from one sick person to another, I see you, I feel you and I care about you.

(((((((hugs)))))))))))