#AgonyLife7 - Dear SS I recently lost someone and haven't cried yet, Am I normal?

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss whether it is a broken relationship or a permanent death of someone.

I hope that you have anyone, as in  family/friends/colleagues/doctors/therapists around to help you through it.

Some people try group therapy as it is easier and others keep a diary or you could start a memory journal? Recall your highlights and preserve those forever.

Do something special in their name or dedicate a vlog/blog/social media account and share things that you never got to before.

Also if you never got to say goodbye, why not write a letter and do it in that method instead? You could choose to burn it after or keep it and write more.

Just to release it from your mind and so that you have something to look back on, on the days where you are struggling.

Not everyone cries straight away. This does not mean you are unfeeling or abnormal. This just means that you are processing this turn of events in your own way.

It is really tempting to block it out and pretend you are over it straight away or soon after but I would advise against this as grief tells to spill out inconveniently and very publicly.

That is the last thing you want. People pointing, gawping and staring.......No no no no! Remember that what you are feeling is normal.

There is no perfect reaction. Just because someone else is hysterical or depressed, it doesn't mean you have to react in the same way.

The way I did things was trick my brain. I thought I had prepared myself so not weeping was a tad understandable to me.

I knew it was coming and had seen the deterioration unfolding and it was inevitable. Yet others around me were falling apart and the guilt ate me alive.

Until someone said. It's okay. It will be alright. This is just how you personally are going through bereavement. Then I just nodded, mumbled thanks and felt weightless.

I didn't know that my brain was trying to protect me. It numbed me for a year. Maybe you are the same or possibly not.

I am going to do something different and attach a poem that spoke to me. I hope it offers you comfort too.

Don't tell me that you understand

Don't tell me that you know,

Don't tell me that I will survive

Or how I will surely grow.

 

Don't tell me that this is just a test

That I am truly blessed

That I am chosen for this task

Apart from all the rest.

 

Don't come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

 

Don't stand in pious judgement

Of the bounds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer

And don't tell me how to cry!

 

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see,

But, I need you now,

I need your love, unconditionally.

 

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care."

Joanetta Hendel

Before I let you go..

I couldn't say it before. Couldn't even think it but it is finally time to say goodbye. Years have passed but I held it in, pseudo grieved. 

I didn't cry at your funeral, didn't cry after. A whole year had to pass by before I felt any sort of loss which made me feel so screwed up and guilty. 

Why wasn't I crying? When they did come, it was all at the worst possible undignified places. At a course, at the optician, all in public to a bewildered audience who were stunned into statues, waiting for it to pass.

We had a bittersweet bond. When you were nice you were so animated and jovial. Lit up any room you walked into but when you were cruel, you were devastating and left a wake of destruction. Sowed seeds that crippled my psyche.

Were you trying to be a bigshot? Were you trying to be cruel? Were you heartless? Or did you assume it was all to motivate me into being acceptable in your eyes? 

I never really confronted you until the end. My friends laughed and dismissed it when I said I would cut you out of my life if you didn't apologise and start showing me some respect but I meant it.

Do you know how sick and tired I was of being everyone's verbal punching bag? Why couldn't you be more like....? Why don't you....like they do? 

See, just between me and you.......those people you so admired? Were utter wrecks. They didn't love themselves, didn't even respect what they saw in the mirror but I did. 

I may not have turned out the way you wanted but at least I didn't make anyone feel unworthy of love/respect.

Those people you were insulting me in front of.........I wonder what they would have thought of you if they knew you were afraid of your own children. 

That they threatened and intimidated you and instead of turfing them on the street you let them stay and torture us all to death.

You know what I wanted from you? I wanted you to be proud and accept me as I was. A gentle soul who just wanted to grow and learn. 

I was afraid to talk, afraid to fail, afraid to be myself because I was never good enough for you and ultimately me.

While the other two were high on drugs, running up bills using your credit cards, having wild parties and threatening violence. I was giving you all my money for rent, leaving no money to socialise. 

I was taking care of you. I was starving because there was no money left for me to buy my own food, just yours. No breakfast, no lunch, just dinner if I was lucky. 

I was the responsible caring one but did you appreciate it or show me any gratitude?

No because I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. I somehow became the untrustworthy one. 

The one who couldn't win no matter how hard I tried and the one you blamed for their actions.

We may be related and I did have to love you but honestly. The real truth is.......I didn't like you a lot of the time. I prefer to think of you when I was a child and you were someone I admired.

I get it, I know you were too afraid to confront them, so you thought, hey I know.....Why don't we pick on the person who has no guard. 

She can continue to take all our criticism and our frustrations and our anger because she is nothing. In fact, the harder she tries to gain our love and respect is the more we will just be disappointed and show indifference.

By the time you wised up, realised you needed me that maybe the people badmouthing me had their own agenda and shouldn't be believed, well irrevocable damage had set in.

I didn't turn my back on you but neither did I want to be around you.

I wasn't the thief you accused me of being. I wasn't stupid or ugly. I wasn't out of mind on drugs or alcohol. I just wanted a tiny bit of sunshine in my life. 

I ran your errands, cooked and kept you company and I was crippled in pain throughout it all.

Did you know that nearly all the boyfriends I had cheated on me and were quick to point out that I was mediocre? Did you also know that for the first time in my life I briefly dated a married man?

It went against all my principles but I hated myself and my life so much that even he was better than nobody. I wasn't in love. I'm not even sure I was in-like but I was lonely, empty and someone was finally saying nice things to me.

I just wanted someone decent to be there to talk to. He didn't make me feel like I didn't have any value in this world. Imagine a total stranger being more accepting than my own parents..

I guess the point of this is to say, you weren't without flaws either. Nobody is perfect so I'm not sure why I was expected to be?

I still find it hard to talk and let people in. Do you know the real reason I didn't want kids? I was afraid they would turn out like my brothers. 

Evil monsters with no conscience who hurt for the sake of hurting and felt no remorse and couldn't see the importance of self reflection.

I don't want to get married. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to date. All I want is peace. The sound of silence. No more criticisms. 

Like I said, the damage is done. I can't form healthy relationships. I don't trust anyone. I can't be vulnerable.

I'll just leave you with this final thought. Imagine being so full of self delusions that you didn't realise your own daughter would rather escape this world before she has reached adulthood than be around her own family. 

Over and over until I accepted my fate to be trapped in a living nightmare.

I don't know about you but I feel much better.

Bye Bye.