#BlogLife839 - Pretty on the outside - Horrendous inside

The weekend was rough but productive. At least I didn't wallow for all of it.

Monday was hard too but I still put out a post and I was waiting to finish it on a good note and Postie came to the rescue.

I totally forgot about the tops from Amazon, even though I checked the tracking this morning, I thought customs would be on them for a while.

It arrived at the airport early this morning so I was surprised it was out for delivery, it took 11 days.

I'm so pleased, that they fit roomily and the quality is outstanding, it's not thin, it's a lil thickish and warm.

I love the range of colours and styles and it's still on sale, should I get the reds?

The only annoying thing is the buttons are tiny and fiddly, I don't know if they'll come apart when I wear it, I was planning to have something underneath anyway.

I don't usually like buttons at the front but they blend in and I suppose I can undo a few in the summer.

I think I'll wear the blue or purple out tomorrow. It's still hard to come to terms with looking different, but feeling the same.

I have to re-do the floors again, they aren't spotless. Ugh I wish they didn't take so long to dry.

I had a UC meeting today, I think if I'm early again. I'll get my brows done and that will be one less thing on my mind.

I'm going to confess this Friday night slip.

It's 1.23am so technically it's Saturday but knowing that I'm going to re-block H soon made me sad.

I actually thought it was Sunday as that is the deadline I set.

I had no intention of contacting him, until I found myself texting. 

I didn't feel embarrassed or cringey. I felt relieved. 

I still don't expect a reply. He would have done it by now..

My stomach is in knots. If you're curious about what I said and why..?

I am unreachable most of the time. I'm careful about what I share and will find any excuse to distance myself away from someone appealing.

Just for once, I thought.. What if I put myself out there?

Made myself vulnerable? Would it really hurt so bad if I did?

I can handle disinterest. It's happened before,  it will again.

So what if he doesn't respond? At least I was more open than usual. 

It's worth the risk. I'm not optimistic just matter of fact.

I'll add to this Sunday night, after I click block! He didn't reach out and I can handle the rejection and not fall apart.

All I said was that I was going to stop thinking about him now after you ghosted me following the jokey goodbye.

I did really like you but I get that you don't feel the same. That's all X.

I'm glad I tried, I'm glad I put myself out there.. It's all part of growing and healing, being vulnerable and a bit more open.

Just because it didn't work out this time, it doesn't mean it never will.

I don't feel sad anymore, I got the closure I needed to move on peacefully, that's what I wanted.

:)

#BlogLife836 - Closure for real this time

I did a silly thing. I haven't been able to distract myself from thinking about H.

I want answers and closure that I'm not going to get. Did I block him too soon?

2 and a half days of being blanked doesn't seem it but what if something happened?

I decided even though it's a waste of time unblocking, I would do it anyway.

It's only been from Monday lunchtime to Tuesday 10pmish. Only 2 days.

But he might have been trying to get in contact, highly unlikely, he doesn't chase and nor do I.

Pride goeth before a falleth. I miss the days where you could block someone and check to see if they called, even though it didn't go through.

Plus you could sneakily read the texts they sent, even if they weren't in your inbox.

Ha! I loved that feature even though it's now gone. It was handy in case there was a misunderstanding or you weren't sure you did the right thing.

I'm feeling pretty awful today, hence why whichever post is going to go up late.

It's been all day hard crampage, ugh, so as I thought there's so far been no texts from him.

Either he gave up and contacted me prior or is hurt that he thinks I tried to end it, or more likely was looking for an excuse to distance himself and I gave him a reason.

I'm going with the last one but by doing this, I'll maybe give it one last week or less and see if he tries to message me.

And if he doesn't then I'll know I tried everything and it still didn't work.

I'm definitely not going to call/text and be ignored for a third time! Nopity nope!

I call myself ruthless but he upped me, he didn't even chase it up to see if I was serious, that's harsh.

By the weekend or next week I'll just know either way. Nobody likes game playing but he and I were just doing it playfully and it backfired on both of us.

Part of me thinks he's winding me up and staying away on purpose for revenge and just to get me to plead with him to get in touch or apologise..

But that's not my style, the other part thinks he obviously doesn't give a damn.

There is also a slim chance, one day I'll bump into him on chat, we'll clear the air, one way or another.

Normally I would tell them if they're unblocked, which is a rarity but as he's not talking to me, there isn't any point.

In the last few messages that was what was conveyed. I'm playing hard to get, I love winding you up etc etc.

It wasn't malicious, we were kidding around about things, hence why I pretended to end things.

It was supposed to be haha I win, I get the last word. If he's like this for a fake fight, what would he be like for a genuine one?

Yikes! Oh and the other thing was, he wanted us to come up with a story together.

We ran some ideas together he liked the idea of the boss/employee type but I've done that before.

Plus we had different ideas on how it would unfold. I don't think it would have blossomed anywhere.

He thought by combining our skills, it would be easier but I don't think it would have.

I guess I need to be on the same page as someone I'm collaborating with..

I thought maybe I'll come up with something new and dedicate to him, we'll see.

I feel fried and horrible today. All the randoms seem to think it's easy to compose stories.

And that I should stick to unclean fiction but there are reasons why I can't do that, not even in fiction can I go there...

Goodbye H, been nice knowing you. A soft spot for you remains but I'm only letting people close to me, that want to be there, not those that don't or feel obligated to stay.

There was something special about you, vulnerable, tough, open, caring, sweet, hilarious and a true communicator. 

Full sentences, full conversations, opinions of your own and topics readily to hand.

I don't think we ever stuttered or said, Now what do we talk about? There was no awkward silences, it just flowed.

You're going to be hard to replace, but replace you I will.

But to put it out there, I did like and care about you, not something I admit or feel that often but I did for you.

-X- -x- - X- 

Ps just to get you out of my system completely, I even did the kiss of death thing.

I added you to my contacts, whenever I do that, it's always followed by a big fallout, well we've had that so all that is left is continued radio silence and I can breathe easily, knowing I did my part to save us.

Then I can start to forget about you and move on to someone else, that's hopefully not going to affect me as much.

Also maybe that thing that you like and I don't actually was a dealbreaker..

#BligLife303 - Twisted tale of a former Yum Yum

Hmm.. Guess whose name I saw pop up on my screen?,

It was MD!! After a long week of nothingness! Now he decides to just say.. Hi!

At 1am in the bloody morning. I was getting tired but I was awake.

Wednesday after I wrote the last post, I blocked his number, as there didn't seem any point in delaying the inevitable. He didn't want to talk.

The whole thing seemed like a farce. He greeted me casually and I was so taken aback by it.

Why now? After so much time has passed? I thought?

I stopped what I was doing to yell at him. I basically said No no no, we're not talking,you had you're chance..

He was like ok take care. Then I kept yelling, as I didn't think I was going to get this chance or another and I wanted closure.

His excuses were lame...

1. There was a problem with my phone! 

I replied how convenient did it explode? He explained he was out of credit..

(Hmm.. There are things called shops, where one can purchase refills).

2. I was disappointed you didn't check up on me. 

(During a fricking row)? Why would I? We were on the outs and you weren't even communicating with any depth.

3. Then he said he was unwell. 

(I think he was going for the sympathy vote but I wasn't in the mood).

I told him, I hope he suffers until there is ever a time the clouds lift on our interactions.

We seemed to talk for just under an hour.

His version is.. I pushed him away and to a degree I did but after the argument, when I wanted to twist the knife.

What I will say in his defence is that, he does do all the initial calling/texting to me and these are lengthy each time and my phone plan is unlimited.

How did we leave things?

Well I have no idea. It was left up in the air. He said he was tired, I was too..

I don't think there will be a Part 2...

Something I do want to do is reread the texts to see if he ever said something mushy without being prompted.. 

I just perused the text transcript.. I avoided that till now and I have to he honest..

To give him his dues, he did make a lot of effort. He would send morning texts first.

He would call at lunchtime. I didn't ever do it first. As I felt like I would be disturbing him and he would answer out of obligation.

Plus he did say caring things about me that were unsolicited. I think it was the fact that he said it more in the beginning and less later on, that weighed on my mind.

I can hold my hand up and confess I was wrong in certain aspects. Oops..

However I wasn't mistaken about it all. I don't feel reassured of his sentiments and things are still so fraught between us.

It just doesn't seem like a natural thing to get in touch, even casually.

Part of me thinks that maybe this was just his conscience bothering him to clear things up.

He did say he wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings left between us.

He never said Well...... I missed you or you were on my mind. I was concerned or I wanted to know where we stood.

There was nothing like that at all. He could be being cautious or it could have been a Goodbye but in a more pleasant way, so that his brain could say, well I did my part and now it's done.

I can't say I really understand it. Why get in touch at all? Why not just leave it as it were.........Dead?

I'm going to conclude that it was him wrapping things up in a neat lil bow.

I'm not sure how I feel. Except bewildered. I guess I got to say the things I wanted too..

I just didn't get the answers or statements that I hoped for. I don't know if this was him making the effort and now he's expecting me to get in touch....

I kinda feel like if it was an olive branch and he actually did apologise, somewhat, I would have felt more hopeful.

The apology just seemed empty or forced. It's difficult to read someones tone over text or chat though.

I can only do it by phone calls, in these types of circumstances.

I just felt like once again I told him what I needed and he bypassed my requirements.

Then again maybe he sees it as, he's reached out a lot and I haven't and it's just not worth the time.

I need to stop rambling and wrap this up. In conclusion. I need lunch, as I skipped breakfast and I don't think I'll be contacted from him again.

This is the final Goodbye parting. I expect.

Toodles MD.

I have to start getting over you, from the beginning, once more....

Oh forgot to add, I did relish gloating on the fact I had written two posts about him and would be making a third and he would never get to read them!!

He doesn't have the blog link, never asked for it and now won't ever get it.

#BlogLife155 - We need to talk..

Actually we don't need to talk. I need to be heard for once! You need to listen.

You're witty, smart, cute and entertaining so I can pretend that everything is equal between us..

For a while at least. I enquire about your life, your romances..

Fine is your favourite word because that's all you reply. 

You ask me about mine superficially as you know I don't date. 

It feels as though you are putting your obligatory time in and waiting until the topic switches to something fictiony/flirty/lighthearted. 

I'm getting tired of you being there but feigning ignorance. 

Sorry I was busy.. 

Sorry didn't get your message.. 

Sorry I-

I just don't care anymore. I tried to hang on to the good memories but the bad, now outweighs it. 

I had a crush on S but he judged me and cowardly ran away.

J2 I liked hanging out with but when I confronted him about being dissatisfied, there was no effort made at all. 

and C was one sided but amusing. I knew him the longest. A few years. 

J1 I honestly just like flirting with. He is one sided also but there is a more vocal presence.  

I want to be able to say to someone.. Anyone.. And have them be concerned, the way I am, when they say it to me!!

I'm having a bad day. That I feel troubled and stressed. 

I want you to prompt me for more details.

To really truly listen, pay attention and take it all in and remember that I struggle on a daily basis.

That each time I step outdoors, it takes me a while to recover. It is now Friday and my body is still in pain.

When I lay down and should feel relaxed and soothed. I want to cry because the pain has my heart locked up. 

I feel like what happened to me, is fresh. I feel the same tightness. The very same pains and aches.

I feel trapped and helpless and so scared. The tears are trickling down my face because I don't want to feel like that.

There is absolutely nobody that listens and cares. I kid myself that you do. That you did.

Walking away, judging me and not bothering to ask how I am? Clearly tells me otherwise.

Today I realise I am better off without you.

I needed you to care about someone other than yourself and to acknowledge my requirements. 

I realised you didn't act concerned at all today and frankly it's unacceptable. That was the last straw. 

Farewell indefinitely. I already said my goodbyes to you. 

One accepted it, the other ignored it and the ghost, I now have my closure from.

My banter will be two way from now on. I'm not sure why I expected more from all of you but I did.

You all thought I was going to settle for your dismissive attitudes forever?

Nope I am too good for that and deserve way more but I had a good time while it lasted.

The worst thing about all of you is that you all know I crave this closeness, this intimacy but you go along with it in the most minimum way and then just put a barrier up.

I feel like you know to a degree, that I put myself out there and share things and you side step, side track and get me off on a new tangent so that I don't realise at first, you haven't opened up much or at all.

Even just at the basic level, what you are up to. What your weekend was like. There are no details whatsoever.

Inconsequential chatter is your forte. I realise that now. In the beginning I can take it but afterwards. Yeesh. It's not enough.

There is something about me that needs to be extra understanding. I have no earthly idea why. The crappy thing is, you realise and exploit my nature!!!

Only when I have forged this deep connection with you, do I look for excuses, to gather why you must be acting this aloofly. 

Instead of meeting me half way and being a decent respectful human being. You crack jokes and tease and just distract me, this whole time.

You truly are heartless acquaintances. You all are! At long last my rose tinted glasses have been smashed away and I see you all as you appear.

Selfish, arrogant and cruelly apathetic!

Goodbye and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!

You can finally drop the pretence, we both know, you never ever gave a damn!!

Before I let you go..

I couldn't say it before. Couldn't even think it but it is finally time to say goodbye. Years have passed but I held it in, pseudo grieved. 

I didn't cry at your funeral, didn't cry after. A whole year had to pass by before I felt any sort of loss which made me feel so screwed up and guilty. 

Why wasn't I crying? When they did come, it was all at the worst possible undignified places. At a course, at the optician, all in public to a bewildered audience who were stunned into statues, waiting for it to pass.

We had a bittersweet bond. When you were nice you were so animated and jovial. Lit up any room you walked into but when you were cruel, you were devastating and left a wake of destruction. Sowed seeds that crippled my psyche.

Were you trying to be a bigshot? Were you trying to be cruel? Were you heartless? Or did you assume it was all to motivate me into being acceptable in your eyes? 

I never really confronted you until the end. My friends laughed and dismissed it when I said I would cut you out of my life if you didn't apologise and start showing me some respect but I meant it.

Do you know how sick and tired I was of being everyone's verbal punching bag? Why couldn't you be more like....? Why don't you....like they do? 

See, just between me and you.......those people you so admired? Were utter wrecks. They didn't love themselves, didn't even respect what they saw in the mirror but I did. 

I may not have turned out the way you wanted but at least I didn't make anyone feel unworthy of love/respect.

Those people you were insulting me in front of.........I wonder what they would have thought of you if they knew you were afraid of your own children. 

That they threatened and intimidated you and instead of turfing them on the street you let them stay and torture us all to death.

You know what I wanted from you? I wanted you to be proud and accept me as I was. A gentle soul who just wanted to grow and learn. 

I was afraid to talk, afraid to fail, afraid to be myself because I was never good enough for you and ultimately me.

While the other two were high on drugs, running up bills using your credit cards, having wild parties and threatening violence. I was giving you all my money for rent, leaving no money to socialise. 

I was taking care of you. I was starving because there was no money left for me to buy my own food, just yours. No breakfast, no lunch, just dinner if I was lucky. 

I was the responsible caring one but did you appreciate it or show me any gratitude?

No because I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. I somehow became the untrustworthy one. 

The one who couldn't win no matter how hard I tried and the one you blamed for their actions.

We may be related and I did have to love you but honestly. The real truth is.......I didn't like you a lot of the time. I prefer to think of you when I was a child and you were someone I admired.

I get it, I know you were too afraid to confront them, so you thought, hey I know.....Why don't we pick on the person who has no guard. 

She can continue to take all our criticism and our frustrations and our anger because she is nothing. In fact, the harder she tries to gain our love and respect is the more we will just be disappointed and show indifference.

By the time you wised up, realised you needed me that maybe the people badmouthing me had their own agenda and shouldn't be believed, well irrevocable damage had set in.

I didn't turn my back on you but neither did I want to be around you.

I wasn't the thief you accused me of being. I wasn't stupid or ugly. I wasn't out of mind on drugs or alcohol. I just wanted a tiny bit of sunshine in my life. 

I ran your errands, cooked and kept you company and I was crippled in pain throughout it all.

Did you know that nearly all the boyfriends I had cheated on me and were quick to point out that I was mediocre? Did you also know that for the first time in my life I briefly dated a married man?

It went against all my principles but I hated myself and my life so much that even he was better than nobody. I wasn't in love. I'm not even sure I was in-like but I was lonely, empty and someone was finally saying nice things to me.

I just wanted someone decent to be there to talk to. He didn't make me feel like I didn't have any value in this world. Imagine a total stranger being more accepting than my own parents..

I guess the point of this is to say, you weren't without flaws either. Nobody is perfect so I'm not sure why I was expected to be?

I still find it hard to talk and let people in. Do you know the real reason I didn't want kids? I was afraid they would turn out like my brothers. 

Evil monsters with no conscience who hurt for the sake of hurting and felt no remorse and couldn't see the importance of self reflection.

I don't want to get married. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to date. All I want is peace. The sound of silence. No more criticisms. 

Like I said, the damage is done. I can't form healthy relationships. I don't trust anyone. I can't be vulnerable.

I'll just leave you with this final thought. Imagine being so full of self delusions that you didn't realise your own daughter would rather escape this world before she has reached adulthood than be around her own family. 

Over and over until I accepted my fate to be trapped in a living nightmare.

I don't know about you but I feel much better.

Bye Bye.