#BlogLife451 - I found a lump

I wasn't sure I wanted to share this but before I blinked the whole post seemed to be written out.

I guess I've realised that in order to stop stewing about something I have to release it, plus it will just come out in a public way if I don't so here goes..

Yesterday (Thursday) I found a bottle-top sized lump on my right breast, now this isn't uncommon. I seem to get them a few times a year but usually they aren't painful.

It's just really awkward and uncomfortable wearing a bra while it is prominent.

This one is on the side and more enlarged than usual and tender.

I didn't sleep very well and am not freaking out but I did Google breast cancer symptoms, you know just to put my mind at ease.

I don't have any of the symptoms like flaky skin, painful nipples, redness or any thickness in that area.

It usually goes down on it's own but because this is in the wrong area, it's constantly being pressed upon.

I don't visit doctors or take medication, I will usually try to figure out a natural solution because I don't need the stress of dealing with rude, dismissive doctors and explaining the traumatic events over and over that leave me a wreck.

One piece of advice was to use aloe vera and I have a tube of that so I applied it this morning and the pain is mostly gone except when I touch it.

The other thing was to apply a warm flannel to the area and that would help dissolve the fluids.

I haven't done that yet, I will see how the aloe performs for a while.

Obviously do not do what I do, seek out a professional if you have fears and be safe, rather than sorry.

If it turns out I did have something else killing my body. I'm not sure I would be in a rush to treat it.

At one point I never thought I would get away from hospitals and after care and needles and tests and being poked and prodded and asked intrusive, heartless questions that got me so depressed and petrified.

It is so tough and I'm picking myself up, each time I fall. I'm really just exhausted though.

It's been nearly 20yrs of being sick, almost half my life. I'm so limited to what I can do.

It's so challenging to have the strength to be mentally resilient as well as physically.

Who do I talk to about these feelings? Who really cares? Who actually listens?

The aloe vera was a temporary band aid and the heat did nothing, the pain and size is still there and I'm just self conscious and irritated.

It's now Monday morning and it's still the same pain as before. I can't tell if it's gone down or not.

Tomorrow I have to see Dic and I'm just barely keeping it together.

I've decided that I'm going to enforce a waiting time limit. 5 minutes from the moment I arrive.

He's just taking the wotsit and as I stated before, being ignored is a huge trigger for me.

If I lash out and say, you're ignoring my presence and calls, he's going to reply with, you're dismissing mine.

I was wondering what to respond with, until I realised I can say there's no point.

He refuses to do phone meetings anymore which would have been beneficial so why bother taking his calls??

He has to answer mine, as I'm doing my part and showing up and he needs to come down the stairs.

Although again, why would he not just wait downstairs?? Because he's an ass that's why!

Tears of a clowner (Crazy self therapy 3)

The day started off well. I realised I had 4200 points in my Mistplay account and could use that to get my second £10 Amazon giftcard.

It goes through a process where it checks it out and then you get approved or denied. I switch between two phones and set one to charge and use the other.

I was playing on three but my Honor phone cannot handle the games so I ceased. 

I know my head is screwed up when I put my melancholy playlist on and feel the music. My family relationships are so messed up.

Someone was asking me some personal questions and I started bawling my eyes out. I wish for embarrassment sake that I could say it was tiny short weeping but it wasn't.

These were heavy emotional tears. I tell myself to grow up, get over it, let it not affect me but the truth is, it was a massive part of my life and it all culminated together.

I was dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis. I was trying to cope with being a teenager and socialising and doing other things normal kids do.

I was failing at letting the verbal abuse and threats from my family wash over me. Those words and actions cut me deeply. 

I should have been carefree and enjoying life but there was so much misery to contend with.

I was a sick girl looking after a sick family member and still I could do no right.

How was I supposed to deal with being told to keep constantly quiet? 

I wanted to scream, somebody hear me. Listen to my pain. Somebody please save me from this hellish life.

How was I going to cope with being told I was untrustworthy?

How dare you accuse me of that. I am the good daughter. I don't lie or steal like they do. I have done nothing but take your abuse and cruelty and still I tried to keep you company and care for you.

Why do you relish picking on me??

How on earth do I live each day with chronic pain, PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks and emotional scars?

The reality of my situation is, I hate closing my eyes and falling asleep. I stay up for as late as I can bear it to avoid being haunted.

I woke up abruptly this morning after having a nightmare and it shook me. I couldn't close my eyes after that, I was too afraid.

I don't know how I manage to get out of bed each day but I do.

How do I function out in the world as a sick person?

People are pushing me to go out daily and be normal. Tell me how the hell to do that? I walk and there is pain. 

I use my hands and there is pain. I bend and there is pain. I stand and there is pain and I sit and guess what? Incredible pain.

Have I tried seeing my GP?

The first thing I do is retell them for the hundredth time what happened to me and after talking, reliving and being back in that shattering head space..

I break down and get told there is nothing that they could for me because I am obviously exaggerating and medically I am healed.

Oh and I should lose weight. Oh and I should go back on antidepressants and painkillers and pop pills for the rest of my life.

No sodding help whatsoever, so no I haven't bothered with them for decades and I did my own research and helped my damn self.

I found out about hot/cold gel packs. I found out about healing binaural beats on Youtube. I discovered the shiatsu cushion massagers.

I was the one that discovered blogging as an outlet. I don't want to pop pills and be an addict, like them. I am my own support system.

I hate feeling stuck because these things happened way back when but it shaped me. 

I remember everything and each time it transports me back to the scared girl I was who battled each day for survival.

It was endless and I couldn't see how it would get better, The thought of dying brought me so much comfort. How was that the norm???

I stopped eating. I overdosed. I collapsed over and over. I kept hitting my head and yet I lived. 

What a colossal joke that instead of getting better, suddenly there were new injuries and now lifelong physical and emotional aches.

I wanted to wrap this post up in a positive way but I can't. Today is a bad day and tomorrow may improve but not by much.

Before I let you go..

I couldn't say it before. Couldn't even think it but it is finally time to say goodbye. Years have passed but I held it in, pseudo grieved. 

I didn't cry at your funeral, didn't cry after. A whole year had to pass by before I felt any sort of loss which made me feel so screwed up and guilty. 

Why wasn't I crying? When they did come, it was all at the worst possible undignified places. At a course, at the optician, all in public to a bewildered audience who were stunned into statues, waiting for it to pass.

We had a bittersweet bond. When you were nice you were so animated and jovial. Lit up any room you walked into but when you were cruel, you were devastating and left a wake of destruction. Sowed seeds that crippled my psyche.

Were you trying to be a bigshot? Were you trying to be cruel? Were you heartless? Or did you assume it was all to motivate me into being acceptable in your eyes? 

I never really confronted you until the end. My friends laughed and dismissed it when I said I would cut you out of my life if you didn't apologise and start showing me some respect but I meant it.

Do you know how sick and tired I was of being everyone's verbal punching bag? Why couldn't you be more like....? Why don't you....like they do? 

See, just between me and you.......those people you so admired? Were utter wrecks. They didn't love themselves, didn't even respect what they saw in the mirror but I did. 

I may not have turned out the way you wanted but at least I didn't make anyone feel unworthy of love/respect.

Those people you were insulting me in front of.........I wonder what they would have thought of you if they knew you were afraid of your own children. 

That they threatened and intimidated you and instead of turfing them on the street you let them stay and torture us all to death.

You know what I wanted from you? I wanted you to be proud and accept me as I was. A gentle soul who just wanted to grow and learn. 

I was afraid to talk, afraid to fail, afraid to be myself because I was never good enough for you and ultimately me.

While the other two were high on drugs, running up bills using your credit cards, having wild parties and threatening violence. I was giving you all my money for rent, leaving no money to socialise. 

I was taking care of you. I was starving because there was no money left for me to buy my own food, just yours. No breakfast, no lunch, just dinner if I was lucky. 

I was the responsible caring one but did you appreciate it or show me any gratitude?

No because I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. I somehow became the untrustworthy one. 

The one who couldn't win no matter how hard I tried and the one you blamed for their actions.

We may be related and I did have to love you but honestly. The real truth is.......I didn't like you a lot of the time. I prefer to think of you when I was a child and you were someone I admired.

I get it, I know you were too afraid to confront them, so you thought, hey I know.....Why don't we pick on the person who has no guard. 

She can continue to take all our criticism and our frustrations and our anger because she is nothing. In fact, the harder she tries to gain our love and respect is the more we will just be disappointed and show indifference.

By the time you wised up, realised you needed me that maybe the people badmouthing me had their own agenda and shouldn't be believed, well irrevocable damage had set in.

I didn't turn my back on you but neither did I want to be around you.

I wasn't the thief you accused me of being. I wasn't stupid or ugly. I wasn't out of mind on drugs or alcohol. I just wanted a tiny bit of sunshine in my life. 

I ran your errands, cooked and kept you company and I was crippled in pain throughout it all.

Did you know that nearly all the boyfriends I had cheated on me and were quick to point out that I was mediocre? Did you also know that for the first time in my life I briefly dated a married man?

It went against all my principles but I hated myself and my life so much that even he was better than nobody. I wasn't in love. I'm not even sure I was in-like but I was lonely, empty and someone was finally saying nice things to me.

I just wanted someone decent to be there to talk to. He didn't make me feel like I didn't have any value in this world. Imagine a total stranger being more accepting than my own parents..

I guess the point of this is to say, you weren't without flaws either. Nobody is perfect so I'm not sure why I was expected to be?

I still find it hard to talk and let people in. Do you know the real reason I didn't want kids? I was afraid they would turn out like my brothers. 

Evil monsters with no conscience who hurt for the sake of hurting and felt no remorse and couldn't see the importance of self reflection.

I don't want to get married. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to date. All I want is peace. The sound of silence. No more criticisms. 

Like I said, the damage is done. I can't form healthy relationships. I don't trust anyone. I can't be vulnerable.

I'll just leave you with this final thought. Imagine being so full of self delusions that you didn't realise your own daughter would rather escape this world before she has reached adulthood than be around her own family. 

Over and over until I accepted my fate to be trapped in a living nightmare.

I don't know about you but I feel much better.

Bye Bye.