#BlogLife558 - How many lives do you have?

Song of the day - Forever Alone - Poonam Singh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bh--IG2mUM

Kitty cats have nine lives and this blog has.. Umm I haven't even counted.

We have BookLife, AgonyLife, BlogLife, Oh that's it, just three. Then the other themes are Dear Bully, Crazy Self Therapy, Chatty chicks watching ficks..

The various spoofs, fiction pieces and scattered letters. Plus I put in some self interviews, Q&A. 

My brain craves variety, so depending on my mood, I will branch out into whatever section that is most compelling in that moment.

BookLife started because I had so many stories in my head I thought it was going to be simple to transfer them onto a page.

Lil did I realise how much I was going to hate writing dialogue, that sounds phony to me.

Plus it plays out so fast in my head but getting down to it, you have to describe, every lil detail, arghh!

And then feeling constantly ill or tired makes it really hard to concentrate and find that peace while writing, that I need.

AgonyLife came about because I like problem solving so I thought would give some general advice but I tend to do that in my posts anyway, so I discontinued it.

I was blogging in general and felt rather stale. At that point I was questioning whether or not to continue.

I didn't feel I was making much of a connection with anyone and I set about trying to, looking for other blogs like mine, searching social media for blogging groups..

And the results were unsatisfying, it was an empty community, it was just people out for themselves.

That was my experience, the popular bloggers had no time to chat and the lil ones like me, just wanted views to their own site.

I was disappointed but accepted it and did some soul searching.

I came to the conclusion that I never wanted to make it big. I just wanted some regulars that would care about what I had to say.

Really and truly, as quiet as I was, I had always been this animated storyteller.

I would look at my audience laugh and their surprised expressions of joy as I took them on this journey of magical wonder.

This was only with people I knew well and I realised that with blogging, it was just me telling more stories and I loved that.

I was damn good at it! I had hoped some new or old bloggers would stop by and they did briefly, which was sweet.

But I didn't need them anymore. I branched out and BlogLife took off on it's own.

I shared it on Twitter and Facebook, although I gave up on the latter as it crashed too often.

I don't have many followers and that's alright. Sometimes there is nothing to say and I am fine with that too.

As I do find something to talk about during most days. The weekends are my own, I have to get rid of the stress and rest up.

I'm quite chatty on Twitter but that could be foodie or beauty uploads, gaming updates or just grumbles.

I stopped watching Sefirin Kizi. I found it too depressing. A physical abuser and an emotional one, was too much too bear.

And her self worth was getting lower and lower, like I said, I related too much to it. I don't recommend it.

I switched to something more lighthearted called Kiralik Ask. It's about a woman (Defne) in need of fast cash.

She's a waitress and this cowardly guy (Omer) is either breaking up with his girlfriend or saying he doesn't want to get serious.

Omer grabs Defne and pretends they are a couple and kisses her, for which she slaps him.

Omer's Aunt later on approaches her with a job offer, (she got fired by her boss).

Get Omer to fall for her and propose and then she can dump him and the Aunt will pay off her debts.

The set up is, Defne is now Omer's Personal Assistant and struggling.

Since when do Assistant's cook breakfast for their bosses?? I haven't watched many episodes but with her makeover, I don't know if he recognises that she is the former waitress..

I quite like that she's not purposely flirting and seducing him and he isn't either.

They are just naturally drawn to each other, although he is fighting it.

Chatty chicks watching flicks was targeted at films or tv shows. A more in depth look.

Crazy self therapy from what I recall was about the times when I felt really agitated and I shut down.

I decided to be my own therapist and coax it out so I set it up as a real therapy session and then it poured out without thinking about it and it was supremely helpful but very sad.

Dear Bully was about confronting my past. Instead of ignoring everything that was said and done.

I decided I would attempt to express it and try to heal. It was very cathartic but ongoing.

The spoofs I like being silly and being totally over the top. I hope they are entertaining, I had great giggles composing them.

The interviews I thought I would try and answer some questions that people might be curious about.

The letters I just find easier to write, as though it is on auto-pilot. Sometimes I don't know how I feel but through letter-form it's all laid out in the open.

The fiction can be both happy or sad. I've written some pampering pieces and on the flip side some really extreme stuff, where I have felt on the edge.

It is freeing to get it all out. I can re-read it from either a good or bad place and I can see how I survived and how things are different or not as low as before.

#BlogLife364 - Blogging evolution

It seems like before Blogger I was testing my voice, trying various controlled expressions, not too much, let's retain our mystery and not devote too much time to it.

Then maybe I became more settled. Blogger is huge and owned by Google there is only a small chance of it disappearing hopefully unlike the others that ran out of money and had to dissolve.

There was no-one to stifle my creativity anymore. I wasn't looking over my shoulder or freezing whenever I heard the door opening.

Ha how freaky, just as I typed that, the door buzzed and startled me. Nope not the boiler guy.

He is ruining nap time, well to be honest I don't feel sleepy at the moment. My brain is a lil hyper today which is good.

In 2017 there were 62 posts published but I did delete some. I wasn't happy with the writing style or perhaps I outgrew them or they were too repetitive?

I can't remember the reasons. In 2018 there were only 9 posted. I'm not sure why that was. Perhaps I was emotionally distraught?

In 2019 there was only 6 posts. Arghh it's dwindling down. In 2020 at least it improved to 67.

I know that it took me a long time to emotionally unpack everything I'd been through and there were a lot of dark times.

There was chronic insomnia, injuries, financial worries, maintenance issues.

It was a lot of responsibility to bear and then friends were drifting in and out with sorry excuses zzzz.

I felt really alone and confused. There were so many decisions to make, what if I made an error?

Could I cope with the fallout? I recall the male workers were slacking off and trying to gouge me for extra cash because I was a woman alone.

They kept talking down to me and just trying to goof off. I am soft spoken but I had reached my breaking point so I snapped angrily raising my voice and they all towed the line after that.

I was being really careful to stretch my budget. The only outlandish extravagances were the combi microwave that cost £250 as it was stainless steel and I grumbled shelling that out.

But to this day it still works. The bed I forget the cost and wardrobe oh and the blinds/wooden floors.

In 2021 a whopping 221 posts, the highest ever on blogger. I really began to commit and advertise myself on blogging networks and social media.

and now this year I am up to 187 posts so will easily break my record.

It's funny how up and down the journey has been. Life takes over, stress piles up, sometimes there's nothingness inside me.

The fictions posts and stories were a long time coming. Some might seem depressing but it was like a rebirth creating those.

Layer upon layer of heartache and misery just unearthed and risen to the surface.

Sure sometimes I balled my eyes out but I had to confront how bad things really were instead of shielding myself and it was exhilarating.

Who knew I had it in me? Certainly not me. I had cast most of it aside and never thought to explore it.

I was so used to not talking that much or thinking too deeply that all my expression had to be re-learned.

Then the floodgates burst open and I started having fun with it. Spoofs poured out, stories got created and truth series were just as cathartic as the fiction.

It all played a part in the healing. Dear Bully/Crazy Self Therapy..

Those were so raw. Things that I never felt I could admit to anyone.

Oh man, the boiler guy has come and gone and it needs another fix yeesh :(

#BlogLife265 - Writing madness..

I have a different process when I write a fictional post to when I write a chapter on Wattpad to when I compose a factual post. It's all varied.

The books, they need some sort of seed, they need an essence of where I am going and then I can say alright, let's get started and hopefully fill up a chapter and that's enough, chapter by chapter, that is good enough for me.

The fictional posts, tend to more emotional turmoil. I'm processing something and it's working through my system. There is a particular subject but it hasn't formulated yet.

I'm not ready to confront it or it hasn't pieced together yet, I'm getting on with my day, cooking breakfast or lunch and it's coming together and then it justs dings and it's ready and I get typing and it pours out, without that much stopping and starting.

The regular day to day posts I gravitate towards what I was doing or plan to do and it will just sometimes write itself or other times it will need a bit of time to add other things to it.

I just tend to roughly proof-read and check for spelling errors but I still have that weird faux dyslexia thing where I am saying it in my head as I am reading it and because the words in my head are correct and how I pictured it, the words on the page don't register as inaccurate.

That's why later on, I re-read it and am puzzled by the wrong words or tiny errors that suddenly don't make sense to me.

The blog posts are easier, I compose something and may tweak it in a minor way but whatever it is, I'm always mostly satisfied.

The Wattpad chapters I am far more critical about how they appear. I will stay on a chapter, even if it's completely done and go over it a dozen times, trying to see if, I can improve it and if it makes sense or sounds foolish.

I do that frequently and drive myself nuts because I don't always see what needs improving, something doesn't feel right but I don't know what it is.

It was a lil easier when I had someone looking over it objectively but then I always felt like a pest, asking for feedback.

I would never badger someone but it's the asking for a favour and waiting to hear back, that never felt like a thing that friends do for each other, just felt like I was a nuisance.

In the end I just stopped and learned to trust my instincts and tried my best to make it well rounded because when I finally did say Book 1 was done, nothing was the response.

Not congratulations or can I read it so that's why I don't like asking for favours. I'm happy to support and be there and not make it hard to ask me for something but in return..

Blah the wind rustles, silence fills the space.

The funny thing is when I think about a fictional short story for the blog, just some blog filler, it seems so short, so easy to write.

It's only when I get down to it, I forget there is so many other additional details to fill in the blanks, it needs a background, it needs conflict, it needs characters that have to come alive.

It's not so straightforward after all, I have to put the time in, inspiration has to hit me at each interval.

Even if it just some quirky story, I still like it to be created properly and be interesting.

In some ways, romance lives in my head and I love making it come to life on a page, considering how my personal life has always been messy, this is a funny thought.

I kinda wish I could talk to teenage me and say, it's going to be alright, you're going to manage it. You are going to write, write, write and it's going to be incredible, not always the output but the feelings it will evoke in you.

Nobody and nothing can take that away from you!!!

Blog growth

I feel a lot better today, despite the fact that J hasn't called. I think my best bet is to go through my options and decide whether or not to take a step backwards in order to move forwards.

Option 1 is sign back up to Pinterest and faff around with boards taking up precious time. Everyone seems to recommend this.

Option 2 is list it in some blog directories which I can't seem to do. What am I afraid of? That someone will call me a sham blogger because I'm not popular and don't conform to having images or personal details present?

Option 3 is I guess signing up to Facebook as an alternative place to advertise.

Option 4 is downsizing to a smaller platform, more chance to get noticed and get involvement going.

Conclusion I really like Blogger and I value how much I've grown and my writing has evolved into something good. I've tried LiveJournal, WordPress, Medium, Anonyme, PointBlog, Tumblr and none of them feel like home to me.

At least with Blogger I don't need to have coding knowledge. I can change the font colour/style without taxing my brain and although it's not my own personal website, it still feels like mine.

It takes no effort and instead of taking up time with learning how it works I can just get on and publish. I have to at least try option 2. I'm not a bad blogger. 

People just need to discover me and I need to push against my insecurities and promote myself even though I feel apprehensive about it. Think good thoughts.

All the blog chats seem to be contained on Facebook but how do anonymous bloggers join in? I'm not joining through my main account, defeats the purpose and you can't sign up to Facebook without a real name. 

Also it sucks being one of few that actually vents my real feelings out. Angry, depressed, downcast instead of being perky 24-7.

I don't feel catered to at all. 

I did it. I actually followed through with it. My face is still flushed but I still did it. The facebook page is created, linked to website done, the twitter refused to link so blah.

I already started contributing to others posts. I feel less isolated already. Others are frustrated and feeling defeated also. I'm off to eat, the worst is over and I wasn't rejected from the group.

Go me :D