Crazy self therapy follow up

Welcome back.

Make yourself comfortable. Shall we continue from where we left off or start afresh? 

Sighs. I am not doing so good. Honestly, I promise I am trying to stay motivated and get my blog up and running but I keep getting stuck and I don't know what to do. This burden is suffocating me.

What have you tried so far? 

Ok I followed some tutorials about FeedBurner and did everything I could to re-establish it and I seemed to be making more progress than before. Only when it came to actually delivering the email update......There was none :(

How did that make you feel? 

I feel so guilty and useless for letting everyone down, including myself. I should know how to do this. I've been blogging for years but I don't.

What are you going to do now? 

I feel like giving up but I'm not going to. I signed up with *Nourish* but I just felt out of my depth. I have just asked them to terminate my account.

I've also signed up with *Follow It* but I am stuck at the part where I have to *claim my feed and add a meta tag to my website* 

After scouring the internet for clues. I think I'm supposed to click on Layout, Theme and Edit HTML. Then find Header.php and add it there. Only I don't see it with these weak eyes of mine, so I contacted support and am waiting for clearer directions.

Do you feel better about being proactive? 

No. I don't.

Why? 

I still have questions. What am I supposed to put in the *Post feed redirect URL*

Did I make the right choice choosing *Follow It* for my needs?

Why did they advertise as saying immediate updates when you publish a new post and then have a time to send out daily emails?

Why when I did a test and subscribed myself, then selected *Headlines only* have they gone ahead and been emailing me a few posts in their entirety?

What if their customer service sucks?

What if I was too hasty and *Nourish* was a superior selection? 

Should I just have found a simple alternative to Bloglovin?

Wow! To be honest I was expecting a shorter answer. You really are overthinking this. Take a breath. Have some patience. Let them get back to you and see what they say.

What can your intrigued readers do in the meantime to stay updated on your progress?

The one constant I have is *Twitter* @SleeplessScrib1. I post updates and mini rambles on there. I shall be updating Facebook periodically. Even if it is just a pseudonym. (https://www.facebook.com/shiza.sabra.3).

Anything else?

The stress is giving me backache.

Don't you feel better now that you have released all that tension?

Would you please stop fishing for compliments. It's creepy. I'll only truly feel better when it's all fixed and I can finally say "Subscribe. I promise it's for real this time."

You know what I think? I reckon the old you would have given up by now and just taken the hit but because you keeping getting stronger with each challenge that comes your way, you persist and try your best to find a resolution.

I'm not only pleased with your efforts. I'm proud of you. You're opening up more. Reaching out and tackling obstacles. 

I know this is all a constant struggle and that at times you want to runaway and hide from it and it's healthy to take a break and a breath but keep conquering your fears one by one.

I believe in you and you can achieve your dreams and get the recognition you deserve.

Damn, alright that did it. Pass me the blooming tissues.. *sniffles*

 

 

Blog growth

I feel a lot better today, despite the fact that J hasn't called. I think my best bet is to go through my options and decide whether or not to take a step backwards in order to move forwards.

Option 1 is sign back up to Pinterest and faff around with boards taking up precious time. Everyone seems to recommend this.

Option 2 is list it in some blog directories which I can't seem to do. What am I afraid of? That someone will call me a sham blogger because I'm not popular and don't conform to having images or personal details present?

Option 3 is I guess signing up to Facebook as an alternative place to advertise.

Option 4 is downsizing to a smaller platform, more chance to get noticed and get involvement going.

Conclusion I really like Blogger and I value how much I've grown and my writing has evolved into something good. I've tried LiveJournal, WordPress, Medium, Anonyme, PointBlog, Tumblr and none of them feel like home to me.

At least with Blogger I don't need to have coding knowledge. I can change the font colour/style without taxing my brain and although it's not my own personal website, it still feels like mine.

It takes no effort and instead of taking up time with learning how it works I can just get on and publish. I have to at least try option 2. I'm not a bad blogger. 

People just need to discover me and I need to push against my insecurities and promote myself even though I feel apprehensive about it. Think good thoughts.

All the blog chats seem to be contained on Facebook but how do anonymous bloggers join in? I'm not joining through my main account, defeats the purpose and you can't sign up to Facebook without a real name. 

Also it sucks being one of few that actually vents my real feelings out. Angry, depressed, downcast instead of being perky 24-7.

I don't feel catered to at all. 

I did it. I actually followed through with it. My face is still flushed but I still did it. The facebook page is created, linked to website done, the twitter refused to link so blah.

I already started contributing to others posts. I feel less isolated already. Others are frustrated and feeling defeated also. I'm off to eat, the worst is over and I wasn't rejected from the group.

Go me :D

 

I have got to get out of my head

Aright I admit it. I am not happy and haven't been for a while.

I'm going through the motions of life and doing almost everything I'm supposed to but the constant lack of sleep during this heatwave and my general restlessness means that dark thoughts are swirling through my head.

I'm not a huge fan of posting negative thoughts continuously but it does help me to express myself so I can't help it. I would never again admit this to anyone else that I know. 

I feel guilty that I burdened my friend with it when I blurted out.. 

"I wish I didn't survive." 

I was long past my breaking point and the pain was monopolising my body in the most brutal fashion. I could not cope, none of my tricks were helping. 

I was just completely broken down.

I knew she was worried and I shouldn't have vocalised it but it did feel good not burying my feelings. This is how I feel sometimes when I can't function. 

There is no escape from it. I just have to endure it until I can crawl back home and shut the world out and hope I can close my eyes for a brief moment or two.

I thought about all the times I collapsed and pondered on how peaceful it felt. I was ready to leave all the misery behind. 

To feel complete and utter numbness and then I kept being revived and I wanted to protest, It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to cry out "Leave me be."

The aggravating thing about it though is that when my wish finally came true and I was close to the edge. Nearer than I had ever been before..  

I didn't give up. I fought to survive, partially for me and a fraction for my mother. 

I just couldn't leave her in that miserable situation, so here I am alive with people still commenting how fortunate I am to have come out of it unscathed. 

None of them know I am still bleeding on the inside and the wounds are cut too deep to be patched up completely. 

Yes I will continue on but no I will never get over it. My experiences will continue to haunt me until the bitter end.

No tears left

It has just been a hellish day with numerous things going wrong. From no sleep to bruising my foot and then having a woman on the bus further aggravate it with her trolley, to generally running late and starting my period. 

I had a meeting today which was so badly organised and I was looking at the signposts but for some reason my lenses were all fogged up so I couldn't even read them and my eyedrops did absolutely nothing to help me focus.

I was on my feet for a few hours and I could feel them just wanting to collapse. My toe was throbbing and I was just limping about wanting to scream. 

Today was not a good day and tomorrow I am supposed to meet my mother to visit her for a while, only I don't think my feet and legs are up for it. 

Yet again something has collided with this long postponed trip but I am just going to use a cab service or pay a friend of a friend some cash to pick me up and drive me over there as I am in no fit state to walk anywhere and cancelling is not a viable option because at this point I will never get to see her.

I just want the unpleasantness over and to enjoy seeing her and catching up on all the events I missed. It's bad enough I'm going to be suffering with cramps soon but dealing with all this crap is just getting on top of me. 

I could feel the tears wanting to come out from the back of my eyes but for once they didn't. This time I just maintained my composure.

I think all this venting it out and releasing my feelings is really helping me to grow stronger and more invincible. 

It might seem that I complain a lot or seem frequently unhappy but it is only due to days like this when I am reminded I struggle with pain management and generally doing activities that others find a breeze.

I find what also helps is going awol when I'm away from home. Switching my phone off or just not replying to people until I return. 

I need me-time now and to recharge my batteries and that will help me just as the venting in a blog does.

My book is taking shape

My book project can be difficult at times to get enthusiastic about because every time I seem to write, I keep doubting my abilities and thinking that it is all crap which is not helping my self esteem one bit. 

I know that I have the basics down, I love my characters, plot and there is no shortage of ideas, in fact I am overwhelmed sometimes but still I find myself thinking that it is just not good enough.

It got so bad at one point that I was almost tempted to give up, but I was away for a while and talked things over with a few people and they told me what I already knew deep, deep deep down but needed to hear nonetheless.

Which was that I have raw talent (the rawest) and that I was being too hard on myself and shouldn't get discouraged but instead push through the negativity.

My faith in my abilities started slowly returning. First I began doodling some cover designs for my book.

I really am not the best sketcher so these were basic at best but the ideas were there and some pride I guess because even though I have limited capabilities in some aspects, I was still getting stuck in and at least trying.

I had a rough idea of what I wanted but could not seem to draw the idea in my head, just a simplified version and then strangely enough I was googling for inspiration and I saw something that fit my ideal. 

I don't know if I will keep it permanently because although some bits fit, it wasn't 100% accurate in what I was trying to portray.

I still spent some time and tinkered with it, eventually getting the book title and my wattpad name to fit in the image as well as finally polishing my first chapter so that I was finally happy with and finishing off the chapter I was working on.

14 chapters have been published so far on the site and I know there is still a long way to go and I am still very much the amateur writer but I have made really significant progress from when I started and for me that's impressive as I tend to leave things unfinished.

I'm proud of myself.

Wattpad

I started writing a story on Anonyme because it just came to me and I liked the idea. 

There have been a few reads but no comments so I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I wanted a wider audience and so decided to publish and continue writing on the wattpad website instead of here. 

It feels more real there, having to write a blurb of what it entails and properly outlining the chapters. Plus giving it a title. 

I still don't know if I have any talent but I feel brave and excited publishing what I've written so far and just when I think I have no more ideas, up pop plenty, leading me in directions I would not have previously considered.

I was already a member so signing in wasn't a problem. I just felt very nervous publishing something that means a lot to me, knowing that anyone now had the possibility to criticize and tell me I have no skills. 

I sent the first couple of chapters to a friend of mine though and she seemed to enjoy them but maybe she was just being polite. 

Who knows really, but writing is something that brings me out of my shell. It makes me want to put myself out there and share my hidden thoughts and feelings. 

To be more engaging and risk sharing a part of me that no-one else sees.

Maybe the old me isn't entirely lost after all.

I've stalled a bit on the book writing. It's taken an unexpected twist and although I like it and it seems different, it's not realistic at all but a friend of mine who I thought was peeved with me has agreed to look it over and give an honest opinion back.

That's encouraging - providing I can muster up the courage to actually let him read it but before then I have to figure out if how I am going to get around writing a sex scene that I don't want to write but that is integral to the story.

What is really making me roll my eyes is now the fact that I am writing this story, people want to read it, they like the sound of the description which is flattering and it's making me cringe to let them read it but I have sent the link to several people and none of them have bothered. 

Excuse after excuse, yea I'll read it tomorrow, tomorrow comes and things arise.

I'm not asking them to drop everything but instead take five sodding minutes and read a few paragraphs, see if it's something that appeals and then just tell me "Oh its boring as hell or hmm not bad but could use some work." 

I ended up telling one guy not to bother because if he said he would read it later one more time I think I would have happily kicked him in the nuts!!

This writing project means something to me, I'm not in the big leagues and I'm not calling myself a writer but I am finding my voice and risking embarrassment by wanting to share an exaggerated part of me.

 I don't really talk about my feelings, my worries, my insecurities. I just live my life and try to figure a way to be strong and confident and less introverted.

Far better to let some strangers read my work and have them thumb it down than have someone I know do it. 

Would have been nice to get a male perspective, especially as my character is maybe less likeable than a typical sweet woman trying to find her way in life.

At least if someone does seek out the story they will have genuine interest and not just be reading it to score brownie points with me.

I hate writing the dialogue bits, I never know what to say. I think for peoples thoughts you are supposed to write them in italics. I will get round to doing that later and as for trying to be confident in writing.. 

I read that you are suppose to practice writing often, show others your work (well that's a bust if they don't want to read it) and ignore your inner critic if it stops you from trying.

Oh yea and for blogging they recommended writing short punchy pieces lol. I hate short blogs, I feel like I am just getting into reading it and it's over. 

I don't think any of my blogs are short, I love to ramble too much :)

Well I'm on chapter 11 now and I know I need to flesh out the characters I'm making up which I can do, I just don't want to share too much about them. 

I'm trying to be purposely vague and hope that it eventually it will all come together and make sense. These unconventional people who are friends and yet know things that others don't.

Another thing that was advised to get more views, was to link it to social media, which I thought about doing for five seconds and then that whole funny feeling came over. 

Losing every bit of privacy I have. Sharing it with a wider audience. 

I really am going to have to get over it one day and just be proud and thick skinned about sharing it but that day isn't today!