#BlogLife966 - I let him have it

Hmm, I just blew up at P. I feel like I'm all over the place with stress and pmt symptoms and the rest..

P is most chatty when we flirt. He never initiates a phone call any other time, to say Hi, How are you doing?

It's never a thought of let me call her during the day, maybe lunchtime, surprise her.

I've had others do that for a routine chat, despite being busy.

Sometimes I think he's all about his needs. Anyway I realised I felt tired early and he calls out of the blue..

It just vexed me so much and then he says what he always does, Oh it can be normal..

So this time I lost it and said No, consider chats off the table.

It's what pisses me off about you. You never want a phone chat any other time to catch up.

He hasn't responded and he can call it a normal chat but then he always, always flirts after a while.

We aren't an item, just acquaintances but damn I still want someone to be concerned, check up on me.

Say they missed me, wanted to hear about any updates..

It'll be interesting to hear what excuse he makes tomorrow..

It reinforces the belief, nobody cares. It's me, myself and I.

We don't argue so how will he handle confrontation? Today, still nothing.

Over text he is more inquisitiveness, asking me about my day. I can't fault him for that.

I think the other thing which put me off, was him asking, Do you like the idea of me coming to your place??

No, no, no! He knows I have trust issues. Why would you even say that to me?

If he didn't make me feel as though I ran a flirty hotline, he could have call privileges returned but he does.

My tastes have changed again, I'm going off fish, which I love and craving more beef.

I wanted it to be the other way around but I can't force myself to eat cod and salmon when it doesn't appeal.

I'm still not volunteering for the moment, I miss the acquaintances I made but I just feel stressed and there's aggravated pain which is constant.

I'm not working on the stories either, I just can't seem to fix my brain and make it function.

P eventually apologised and what makes me laugh is that he's not remotely flirty now ha.

He doesn't get where I'm coming from at all and I can't explain it anymore clearer.

I don't mind over familiarity but treat me like a person, not an object. I do have feelings.

Oh there's another store added on the Too Good To Go app but it's a late night wine and grocery place, maybe 10 or 15minutes walk.

Which I used to go too, more when I first moved in for snacks or top ups before the days of Ocado Zoom.

But it's too far for me, just the process of emptying the bins, the other day, completely zapped me of all energy, I was fine before that.

I keep worrying about losing my independence and not being able to do things because not a single soul I know, who is reliable or helpful.

I just have to keep figuring things out, keep struggling, keep trying to keep my head up..

While I physically and emotionally decline.

Tomorrow is the UC appointment, I hope I get a good nights sleep and am able to pop into that mini Tesco and pick up lunch.

I'm not sure I will bother with anywhere else, apart from to get some samosas or the wrap..

#BlogLife773 - All that remains.../Designed to fail *foul foul language*

Crikey I had a mini panic, trying to locate where Paypal hid the bulk statement file but it was under Activity report and I just downloaded it.

I attached it to a draft email and then when I go to the library tomorrow to print it, I don't know if I have to decompress it first, hopefully not.

Plus as it's public access, I have to remember to logout of email after I've finished.

I just want it all over and done with, there's only so much worry a person can go through, until they just try to carry on as normal.

Ha I just picked up my phone and was listening to music and Mama called to wish me luck for tomorrow, that was sweet but it's only part one.

I won't have any news about the fine or worse for a while or next week.

The meeting tomorrow is supposed to be an introduction but maybe they will turn around and say, You're rejected, fend for yourself..

Good luck paying your expenses and Welcome to Homelessness......

I can't dwell on it anymore, it affects my sleep. It's just always there in the front and back of my mind, making me nuts.

I'll probably add to this when I get back Friday afternoony, although if it's particularly brutal, I might just curl up on my bed and weep for a lifetime......

I just wanted to be able to take care of myself without relying on anyone.

I don't need the stress, even if I do deserve it.

Well today was a complete more or less bust. I went to the Bank, thinking ok maybe 20 minutes, to print it out, nope.

They order it and it takes 5 working days, how the hell that is going to fit into one envelope, I don't know.

Then I go to the library, only to be told I don't have to queue and then either the computers are broken or they ask for login details.

So back to waiting in line ages, then she sets me up and I go to my email, only to be told, they need to verify, so have emailed Msn, of which thankfully, my phone let me login but it didn't send the verification email.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuckity, fuck, fuck!!!!

Finally got in, was ready to download it, but then it said it's 134 pages! What the fuck???

I can't carry that, let alone print it. I just left and called up and I was hoping, she would say send me the file, but it was Nope, we don't accept that!!

She said, spend a few trips, going back, do it double sided, 67 fucking pages to print still???!!!

What a bitch!!! She could have easily accepted the file, but nope, I have to go through all this shit multiple times.

Fuckkkkkkkk!

All this isn't supposed to cost anything, I'll end up paying for the printouts, the envelopes, stamps, probably sellotape, oyster fare.

All because they want to put me through this headache, when they know all the fucking information anyway.

She's extended the time from from the deadline of the 18th October, to the 1st November.

I'm sore and exhausted. I should go back to the library and start printing but fuck that.

As for the Universal Credit side of things, surprisingly that all went smoothly.

It was just accept the terms and she said she would speak to my other JSA advisor about cancelling Tuesday's appointment.

Then they will email me my next meeting time and that seems done.

Jail seems easier than this. Two last things, during the Universal Credit appointment, she said Oh if at anytime you're not fit to work, just go ahead and see your doctor for a sick note.......

Yea I'll get right on that, they didn't even recognise me as sick, when I was critical!!!

Secondly my back is killing me, I am fantasising about my salmon and avocado sushi, that I'll probably never eat again.

I would love to have ordered that but I have to be sensible. Bills first, food second.

Oh one last thing, which was just weird and almost laughable, was when they assumed I was attending a JSA appointment and I said No, it's a Universal Credit one, the guy whooped and said Yea Good you joined us....

Umm, ok, I'm going to miss my JSA advisor though, she was really sweet, she mostly understood the health side of my complexities.

Anyway I tried my best to get everything done today, notified the relevant parties, attended where I was supposed too.

Now I'm going to just wait and decide what to do next week. The thought of going out multiple times, knowing I have to be on my feet when I get back to cook, is not appealing.

It's almost worth not eating, but no, I'm going to try and see how I cope.

Sigh, I just want some peace, without drama or obligations, can't I be sick in peace and quiet???

Well it's now Monday, I didn't hear back about Tomorrow's cancelled appointment, I called up and was advised to attend it.

I'm kinda glad in a way, I get to speak to her one last time, my old advisor and I don't know whether I should beg for her help with the printing.

I'm trying to be as discreet as possible but that is a lot to ask, I think I'm desperate enough.

67 pages though, that's such an unreasonable favour. If she did it for me, I would get her a gift to say Thank you, maybe lunch or something.

They are probably not allowed to receive kickbacks but this isn't a bribe, this is gratitude.

I need help, I admit it, this one time, I can't manage it alone, I strive to struggle and rely on myself completely but to hell with it, if she says No, there will not be any hard feelings.

I will just do it in sections at the library and then the post office and try to fit it all in, before the freaking end of the month deadline.

Wouldn't it be nice to get it all printed at once and not have multiple draining trips?

Then I'm still waiting for the Bank statements to arrive and that's a whole load, they have to be sorted into piles of envelopes, then weighed and sent off also.

So much to do and I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it but I guess lil by lil I will complete it.

Doesn't mean I won't grumble constantly though. Hmm ok, that's my battleplan.

This just feels never-ending. 

#BlogLife341 - Dodging deaths call

I've been wondering why yesterday has been plaguing me so much. I think it's because I cheated death again.

It's brought it all back and I can recall all the conversations, exactly how I felt, all the life being drained out of me slowly.

I recall the policewoman asking me how I was and me slipping in and out of consciousness saying I'm scared.

The male cop nervously or shockingly laughing exclaiming we all thought you died!

I switched from bouts of, I'm ready to go, to I want to live. Yesterday I felt the same sense of helplessness and fear.

I just kept pondering, how am I going to get home, where it's safe, when I'm stuck?

I was in so much pain and there was so much danger all around me.

I just kept swearing and telling myself to rest, stop, take a deep breath and carry on, not far now, it's ok, you're doing great.

I mean midway I was taking baby steps and stopping. I was holding on to the walls, poles, fences, anything to steady myself.

I felt dizzy, I felt the discomfort of being upright for so long and my body was locking up and home seemed to be so far away.

A strange thing that happened when I was finally at the bus stop was a van honked at me, this guy waved and smiled.

I didn't recognise him, so as usual I just looked at him and he drove off. If it was someone I knew I would have begged for a lift home.

I have no idea if it was a stranger or somebody from my past. I did look lovely. 

I tried on the second new top, it was one of those built in jackety 2 in 1 tops, thinnish but it all seemed kinda fitted and loose near the middle.

These tops were made for me, stylish and pretty and just suited me so well. I just wish the other colours were in stock.

Anyway I think it was the control freak side of me that was in distress. I just could not get my bearings and there were so many obstacles that I lost it completely.

Oh to give you some context, the journey takes anywhere from 10-15mins so bear that in mind, when I say it took me 1 hour and 30 minutes to travel home!!!

I passed my breaking point. Had a fit of tears because it was a situation I could not tackle and that just made me panic and think, am I going to make it this time??

#BlogLife340 - Death becomes me

I really didn't want to blog today, I knew I would be exhausted from going out twice this week.

The pain and exhaustion lock in place until the next outing but I had to be somewhere and the morning got away from me, decided to experiment with the hair, half up, half down.

It looked cute, even if it's uneven at the back. I didn't have time for full makeup so just did some lipgloss.

Nobody knew anything but the bus stopped once and said, hop on the other one and that one stopped a bit later and said the roads closed, everyone exit.

What the hell was the point? Just say up ahead has been barricaded both the footpath and the road.

I think the bus station was closed as cars whizzed by normally but buses halted.

Still I was determined, I like to keep appointments and I was halfway and then the road I needed to take was sealed off.

The sun was draining me of energy, I forgot to program in the phone number and I thought to myself, if you know, the area is blocked, why the hell wouldn't you call, text or email, to say...

Stay home, there is very lil access here, we will reschedule. But nooooo, there was nothing at all.

So in the end I had to turn back and saw half the bus stops were closed and there were roadworks blocking me again.

The man made traffic lights weren't working and I tried to cross and this car came out of nowhere and almost got me.

I had a major panic attack because I couldn't cross the road and I had to, to get the bus.

I just burst into tears because I was so scared and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I was just worrying and people just walked by and completely ignored me, whatever, people are sick in this world.

It took me about 10 minutes to cross, I swear I had to wait until there was a family there and go with them because I was shaking.

I got home and found an indirect message.......Oh by the way, meeting cancelled.

Bastards!! You gotta excuse my language in here and on twitter but I need to vent and heal up.

I just ordered a pizza, chicken, olives and green peppers and some wings, plus chocolate fudge cake.

It will last me 2/3 days. I'm not even sure I am hungry, just trying to drink a lot and replenish the lost fluids.

Luckily I don't have to go anywhere for a week hopefully. I gotta clear my bed, so much, makeup, clothes and beauty supplies.

May your weekend be full of laughter and not tears. I'll see you Monday hopefully........I need tlc.

#BlogLife336 - I'm nice, are you?

I always struggled to get close to people. I felt like I was invading their territory or not able to be myself and freely express what I needed too.

There was a barrier up and still is. I thought it would be easier with family but they were untrustworthy and cruel.

During this time of apathy and unsupportiveness I was blaming myself.

I thought that if I devoted more time to them and sacrificed my requirements, that they would treat me better.

Instead they used me and took me for granted. This is where the inner conflict came.

Should I be patient? Should I cut them off?

As a decent person I told myself I was being too judgemental and I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

But their disrespectful behaviour escalated. I felt so proud stating..

You said you were thinking about me, however that wasn't the case, else you would have contacted me.

Texts, emails and calls are so easy when you're invested. When you're obligated that's when it's hard work to keep in touch.

I got tired of the lies. Nobody is forcing you to keep in contact halfheartedly.

I choose nothingness rather than forced polite chitchat lacking heart and warmth.

It's made ne not want to display my softer side or realise that I would like to spoil someone and take care of them..

But only if they prove themselves first. I've reached my limit of dealing with people who use me, when it suits them. 

On a further bizarre note. The situation I was dealing with resolved itself, for now anyway.

I opened the weekends mail altogether today and read the letter that made no sense, when they were busy accusing me of randomness and saying we're turning our backs on you.

That was on the phone and now the letter contradicts that and says, well we realised something had changed (it hadn't).

But all is well again and things can get back to normal. I'm just relieved I don't have to take any further action.

Oh and lastly, there is someone that keeps looking at my phone while I'm accessing personal emails/texts.

It's really cringey..... Why would you do that?? Look elsewhere. I have to access it in front of him to get some details but you don't have to look at my bloody phone and read it.

Ewwwww!!!!