#BlogLife588 - Gizli Sakli cliffhanger?!

Song of the day - Bunty Singh - Ah Want To Get Marry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8UiOwGszgo&list=PL_S79tzxwHpPMvQb_ft0dgOQA7kcRZsUA&index=65

This song made me laugh so much. It's so much more entertaining when there is a story and they make the effort to produce a video that says something, instead of the bad dancing.

I finally watched the end of Gizli Sakli hoping for this warm fuzzy wrap up.

And what happened? Nothing, they were still too chicken to admit their feelings for each other and the case didn't wrap up.

Very disappointing, don't bother with it. I don't know if it got cancelled or the writers fell off a cliff but it took me ages to power through it and it wasn't worth it.

L was telling me an acquaintance pmmed her and she's got her female nickname posted with a Miss at the front.

As similar to me, we both kept being mistaken for men, which is yuckity.

This person knowing she was female, called her Bro. Ick!! She politely corrected him, that she was indeed a woman, complete with picture in her profile.

And he said Don't sweat it, I call everyone Bro. Yuckkkk!!! I just find that disrespectful and would not tolerate it at all.

I don't want to be called butch nicknames, I celebrate being a woman and I find being called anything else, disgusts me.

I got my eardrps and enjoyed my pampering weekend. My forehead isn't as dry but it still needs dual or triple moisturising.

I was discovering new and old music on Youtube and these were so funny and feelgood, I immediately let everything go.

And then I felt tense as the weekday approached closer and closer and I wondered why?

Oh I also trimmed my hair. I feel less messy now. I took off two or three inches as usual and it still feels as though there is a lot of hair left.

Anyway during the week I feel as though people expect me to be a normal functioning healthy person.

And not that I would complain all the time but someone with serious limitations just can't switch to being normal.

The most I can do is omit the reality and cover up and be a sort of actress.

Pretend, pretend, pretend!

Instead of being completely transparent and people responding with Ohh, Hmm, Yeaa, anyway...

I always compare it to having the flu, it's not temporary, there is no cure and I'm not suddenly going to wake up and wave and say....

Oooh all better now. Literally this weekend I bumbled about struggling to open lids and peel back flipping foil.

And it's humiliating to struggle with these simple tasks but that's how it is.

At least there is noone around to watch this pathetic display or taunt me.

To push down the pain or frustrations or sadness of it all, is draining and it stresses me out.

I want to be free to be myself, sometimes happy, sometimes, annoyed or sometimes fed up.

That's why I love when I'm unreachable and my phone is off and I'm not checking emails or texts because everyone wants me to be this phony!

On here, with you, I honestly try to be 100% myself but even here there are times when it's just too dark.

I may just side step some of it but eventually it will pour out into a fiction piece and then I can go back to breathing normally and feeling less weight on my shoulders.

That's also where happy music, as I call it, comes into play. It just warms my heart and speaks to me.

Saying...... Continue drifting, cry it out, laugh, smile, whatever you are experiencing in this moment, I will cater to you.

You don't have to be brave or fake feeling anything, you can just allow yourself, to have any emotion you want.

You don't have to please anyone or hide. The truth is, I do as lil as possible and the pain is still building to this unbearable point.

When someone says..... What did you do with your weekend? Why didn't you go out?

I'm forced to say Oh it was a quiet one or I didn't feel inclined to venture out.

My preference would be to admit, I did nothing at all and I had the most blissful experience doing it.

I can't tell everyone the truth and say I'm giving my body and mind a rest from people.

As there would be a million follow up questions that is nobody's business.

Truly that I am at peace, distancing myself away from others. 

I don't feel bored as I'm not propping anyone up or misleading them that I'm fine.

I'm being totally selfish and thinking about my needs and what I need to make me feel I am surviving being ill.

#BlogLife270 - Dear L

I'm sorry that I don't have it in me to talk just yet. I don't want you to worry or feel bad, it's just hard to explain.

You see when someone makes me feel bad, I think about the other times that people made me feel unsafe.

I don't know why this time is different but somehow, a lot of memories are just coming up, one after the other and it's just too much to deal with.

I thank you for your patience and kindness. I'm just a bit messed up at the moment and I can't seem to get back to how I was.

This is why I tend to disappear for a while and not say anything because I'm just trying to make sense of it, or just take a break from feeling like I am too lost, unhappy, depressed and scared.

I'm trying to focus on a couple of stories but I'm struggling to write these happy funny stories because I feel burdened with ghosts from the past.

I don't know how to say it and make it clear. It's like being followed around by a phantom and this being is shouting abuse and calling me names and it won't leave me alone, it won't disappear, it won't stop pursuing me.

I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I just don't have the strength to talk. I would never just cast you aside, as though you didn't matter to me.

But having space to myself, this is my coping mechanism, this is how I start to feel better. This and music.

It's helping but I keep thinking about bad experiences and every time I feel better, some other painful thought comes into my head and it's making me step back.

You're in my thoughts and I hope that you and hubby are well and finding things to smile about.

I'll be back but not yet. I have to look after myself.

Take care

(((((hugs)))))

#BlogLife177 - When will it start to feel like Christmas?

I'm sorry today's post is late. I feel a bit all over the place. I'm just exhausted each night I keep hoping to get a long rest but it rarely happens.

There are signs all around that it will soon be Christmas but it doesn't feel like it yet.

The days and nights are getting colder, there is less sunshine, the Christmas adverts are in abundance.

I don't watch commercials any longer. I miss the days when they were actually entertaining and amusing so that I didn't mind my favourite show being interrupted, now they are a cheesy snooze fest.

I have some favourite advents I look forward to each year, perfumes, beauty, gift vouchers and techy items.

I'm playing the Christmas tunes but maybe it's because I feel like scrooge this year.

My budget is smaller and there are a lot of ongoing expenses so I have to be careful about my spending whereas normally I just splurge more generously.

There have also been some really fun advent games like a darts one, where the snowball was hurled to make a bullseye and you had unlimited turns.

Playing santa you had to drop off presents accurately down the chimney as you flew ahead, that was fun.

I don't really like the ones where you have to catch things falling as the keyboard/mouse tends to stick and I lose prematurely.

Do you have a favourite festive drink? For us it's usually shloer red grape as none of us really drink.

My mama is sometimes partial to cider but that's about it. Previously it was baileys but now sparkling grape juice hits the spot better.

Ooh let me just end on a confession........

Alright regarding the fleecy blanket that I thought was a cloak. As you probably guessed, the two sleeves are not ties, they are legitimately real sleeves.

I do not pay attention to anything when I'm busy. It was a productive morning and I had so much to do, they just looked too tiny to be sleeves ha.

But now I realise I can use it both ways, the cloak way for when I don't want it dragging on the floor and the sleeve way for when I feel that chill and need extra warmth.

I actually did think there was a hood at the back because there was this extra material but nope........ It's still cute though.

I am just such a shortie and it's quite long and I love that the sleeves cover the whole of the wrist.

There's nothing worse than sleeves that stop short and let the cold air in and look weird. Brrr