#LetterLife1 - Dear Monsieur Wrong

Dear Monsieur Wrong,

I know Monsieur Right doesn't exist, so maybe you do? I wanted to write some fiction today.

But I think I need to talk or vent or ask questions or get answers from someone other than myself.

I did open up all the unfinished stories on the blog, one by one and thought, which one should I work on?

I don't really have ideas. Should I just compose nonsense and hope it works out?

I've got asmr playing in the background. I've got 2 films open. I'm scattered. I can't focus at all.

There's a new story playing in my head but all seems similar to the others.

I want to let go, jump on a story and finish it but knowing that I'm not just going through the motions, that I care about it and am inspired and have confidence that it will turn out well.

I feel none of that. I'm stuck, I want romance, I want to write romance, I just don't feel particularly romantic and don't want to talk or mingle at all.

So help me out. What's your recommendations? How do I fix me?

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

I exist solely for you. To be in your company and to help and guide and support you, whenever you need it,

Why do you need to do anything right now? You have enough pressure in your life.

But I sense that is where your passions lie and I am all about the passions.

Just reach for my hand, let me pull you close and I will work with you to solve this small problem.

For you see, with me around, everything will be seen with fresh eyes, fresh smiles, fresh convictions and a fresh suitor, oui oui?

That's it Cherie, smile for me, gush for me, fall for me, let your troubles melt away.

I want you to think about your last story, how did you feel when it was completed, my sweet capable Cherie?

Dearest Monsieur, 

I felt relieved actually. It was the story I challenged myself to write and publish in a day and I didn't think I could do it.

I was blank for ages until certain pieces floated into my brain and it pieced together and started to flow.

And suddenly, it was just bubbling and I was getting emotional writing it.

I was pleased with how it turned out. I accomplished that goal for the milestone blog.

But now this emptiness is back and I feel alone and although, that's my preferred spot..

I want someone but I don't want them. I want to be alone and comforted at the same time.

I want to be looked after but not intruded upon. That's it really.

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

Look at me Cherie, I know what you want and need and what is best.

And simply speaking it is me. I am everything you crave and everything you didn't.

I am perfect but also littered with flaws. You can make me into anything you want.

But I do not change for anyone, not even you my precious. 

I am a tireless listener though, but I am all about the action, so we must always be actively joined together, being productive.

But sometimes I can't be bothered with the writey writey talky talky, so in those times, we do the kissy kissy ;)

Dearest Monsieur, 

It is getting late but you have made me laugh a lot tonight and I appreciate the cheesiness of the conversation.

I think for now, you did provide what I needed and that was some lightheartedness.

It's a good start. I feel less stressed and a lot silly.

Thank you and Goodnight Monsieur.

Dearest Mademoiselle,

I will do anything for you at any time, day or night. Ma chambre is always open.

Sleep well Cherie but not too deeply in case I need a hug tonight.

I will remind you that you have it in you to create magic on a page, the next time you feel lost and alone.

Dream of me, your handsome caregiver

X

#BlogLife695 - Dear Future Ex boyfriends

This isn't a story more like a personal overshare.

I'm not even sure I'll post this one but we shall see once it's done.

It's now 12.50am and I'm in bed not sleepy but tired from the day.

I was hoping to click my brain off but it's chattering away so no chance of that.

I was watching The Oval and shaking my head and laughing and then I thought let's read something mature.

But then I recalled there's an audio option so I circled through some voices that I just disliked and found an expressive one that was detailed an animated.

But the more I listened, the more numb and disconnected I felt.

Maybe it was too realistic or maybe I am just not comfortable around intimacy.

Instead I was impressed at his brave storytelling, the way he captured his audience.

Something I feel I fail to do frequently. I like my writing voice but I'm not sure I feel 100% free to express everything I need too.

I just felt like, even though its highly unlikely I'll find a companion. 

I wanted to just say a few things incase I can't vocalise it.

This is for you.. New cosy stranger..

We've either just started dating or it's been a short while and you're beginning to ask me.. 

Why I act the way I do?

Why do I always seem nervous?

Why do I appear distant, as though I don't care?

Why won't I divulge what's truthfully on my mind..?

As I pull up the covers on this chilly night, I avoid your intense gaze.

I'm stalling as usual, we both sense it.

Where do I even begin? Let's put some or all of it finally out there in the open..

Firstly I've never been a girlfriend so I'm not sure how to behave?!

Secondly I have always struggled with finding my words.

It doesn't appear naturally in public, only in private, when I'm composing.

Thirdly, My love life hasn't been storybook romances..

It's been one unpleasant disaster to the next.

It was never even a lil bit right. It was fabrications, cheating, character assassinations, body judgements and disinterest in every single need that I had.

I am overwhelmed with insecurities and a fierce need to protect myself from everyone, not just you.

Both physically and emotionally.

When I feel safe and if I ever get to the stage where I like you and feel trust could develop..

Only then would I start to let you in at the basic level of who I am internally.

If we've argued and I've uttered.. Fine. Why don't you just cut me out of your life then..

I can live without you and will get over you and I won't look back and I'll block your number and forget you exist.

Well I may or may not mean that.

Pessimistic me, which I love (because my head isn't in the clouds being naive)..

Already predicted this wasn't going to work out, never long-term, always temporary so I'm prepared for it, already.

But if I'm letting you read this, it means that I do have feelings for you.

I'm just not sure if yours are deep enough or if you have the patience to work to understand me fully?

I've never been in love. Never completely let my guard down with anyone.

Never trusted that someone would consistently be there to take care of me.

I'm an independent woman who looks out for myself and is used to surviving alone.

I can't just switch and suddenly run to you with my predicaments.

I need to resolve them solo but eventually hopefully I will turn to you as a sounding board and learn to value your input, without you taking over, demanding answers or trying to fix me.

A concern of mine is being judged for trying to do the best that I can.

It might not be your preference but I would hope that you respect my methods anyway.

My confidence levels vary at any given situation.

I don't like my body but I like my face.

I've been in situations where I haven't been in control and it's been frightening.

A lot has happened to me, my childhood influences, dating, family, friendships..

It's all just completely damaged me permanently. 

There is an abundance of fears and wariness.

I am ill at ease. Always searching for the nearest escape route.

Being alone is a simpler way to live than trying to fit in, to show a softer side that is just bruised and unrecognisable. 

Explaining all this and the rest that transpired does not come close to healing me or making me feel good.

I'm just offering you some insights.

I'm not sure I'm even capable of falling in love or accepting that someone or even you could feel something in return.

This is all a bit much and I'm sure you don't want to hear it.

But I had to say it. Part of me is just unreachable and I can't promise that will ever change.

There are just too many reasons and too many people that have hurt me.

I don't know how to tear the walls down and be me, in front of you.

I don't even how to make a move on you, hug you or kiss you without worrying that you'll turn into an out of control animal who makes me want to disappear and hide.

My body desires affection.

My brain can't handle it, as it demands to be secure and won't risk re-living the past.

I guess this is Goodbye.

I don't know where we would/could possibly go from here?!

I'm only ever free to be myself and accepted when I'm alone without an audience.

#BlogLife590 - Would you be willing to spend Christmas with an abuser? / Dear Mama..

Song of the day - Faouzia - RIP Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUDq4AOlMc&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

Well Mama mia called me back finally and it was a mostly pleasant conversation, until I brought up, who is coming for Christmas??

Then I felt a bit sick because once again she defends the abuser.

I asked because he just left, would he still come down for Christmas and the answer was...

Not what I was expecting. She said that he actually might because the people he usually spends it with, are not talking to him.

Ugh! It does not surprise me. Those two are a menace to society.

She said that she realises, I wouldn't come down and my voice actually cracked when I had to say for the thousandth time, I am petrified.

I had to point out that both of them were clever and I think on the whole, they threatened and were aggressive, when my parents weren't around.

But my folks still knew something was up and did nothing.

Anyway she said, Oh he's really calm and helpful, he has been useful, for the past few years, maybe it's the medications because he's a different person.

That is always a knife in my heart, every time she defends them because it is as though, from my perspective, she wants to pretend and bury, what I went through and still go through.

Sorry NO. I'm not going to let you sweep it under the bloody carpet.

I don't know if she wants to pretend she's a perfect parent or what??!!

But I said, well blurted out that I would rather spend Christmas, alone, safe and happy.

Then I just changed the subject honestly because I didn't want to break down in tears and I feel like, with certain topics, I'm basically talking to myself.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for? Maybe for her to acknowledge, that they were harmful to my fragile being?

That no matter what they do and say, the abuse happened.

The name calling, the persecution, the confidence knocks and the freedom to express myself and have an opinion or feel secure was missing during my whole life.

At home was a dictatorship. I found in the end, I didn't even know what I wanted or what I thought anymore.

I still struggle and become frustrated and angry, trying to do the impossible and still I will not ever ask for assistance.

I will not let people see me weak and fragile and helpless.

I know what happens when they do.. Honestly the older one could be different, maybe he has had a bloody lobotomy??

But deep down I don't think those two are capable of being nice to me.

They look at me and see absolutely no armour. I can try to be brave or tough and I hear that angry tone and I'm just knocked down.

I can't even pretend to be strong and they know this, as they have spent years and years tormenting me, poking fun and looking down on me..

Cutting me off and taking my power away. I also think being forced to mingle with them/him would tell him I have forgiven and forgotten.

I will never give him that satisfaction. I honestly don't think they have any sort of a conscience in the first place but just in case they do.

I will not provide them with inner peace and for the first timers, reading this..

In the past I strove to forgive them both and let go of the bitterness and rage that had built up inside of me.

Everyone says it is better to make peace and move on. I did, again and again and again.

Yet the abuse returned, again and again and again and continues. There is just hate directed at not only me but Mama also.

I feel I have done what I could and now I continue to heal myself and try to not think about them and be productive and a decent person to myself and others.

But whenever I hear their names and the scene is changed, I revert back to my childhood and how trapped I felt and emotionless.

I was just so shut down from everything and everyone. There were so many veiled threats.

At this moment in time because I feel kinda perturbed and frustrated..

I would just relish saying.... 

Dear Mama,

You know what? I know you don't take me seriously.

I know that you dismiss what I went through and like to assume I exaggerate and am holding a grudge to be petty and to seek attention.

But everything I tell you, happened and scarred me for life.

I am honestly afraid of men.

I tried to kill myself and you didn't know because I didn't want to face another day being a member of this family.

Why would I do that? If I was coping?

You know when that first attempt didn't work? I kept on attempting it.

If, like you think, that I wanted the focus on myself only, why did I cover my tracks?

Why didn't I tell you or anyone else?

I am angry with you, that you didn't make it stop, or intervene with any heart to really put an end to it.

I'm furious that you didn't see me sinking. That I was losing it and I was close to the edge.

What hurts me the most is having to relive the anguish, how I felt back then.

I have to force myself to explain to you, why I feel the way I do and why I hate them, over and over and over again.

I don't understand why you expect me to be over a lifetime of abuse?

As though it never happened?

I lose respect for you and some affection, each time you do that.

We both know I will never be this honest with you because I wonder if you would believe me.

Or maybe you would not react at all?

Every time I tried to communicate, I was interrupted or talked over.

Every time I disagreed with them, I was bullied into their whims.

My head started off as bursting with thoughts, ideas, silliness and fun.

You know what it became? Emptiness.

I tiptoed around or stayed in my room. I berated myself to not say anything to make them angry.

They never said, I'll kill you or I will hurt you.

It was always, Really? You'll see what happens to you...

Or Huh, we'll see..

Or If you don't.......... If you dare disagree, I won't be happy.

It wasn't what they said, the words they used. It was what wasn't spoken.

The look of psychotic murder that was barely contained.

That is what I couldn't take, they would one day, strangle me, stab me, punch me, kick me, stamp on my neck etc.

I know you don't think they are capable of it. You think I am just making it up, exaggerating for effect.

Putting it on, to shock you but this was my daily fear, day in, day out.

I began to despise myself. Their behaviour made me think I repelled people.

I came to the conclusion that something inside me was so disgusting that I didn't deserve love, respect and kindness, from a single soul.

(Deep down, my fear is, that it's true and that, I want to, need to shake this feeling and scream they're mistaken but a whole part of me.. Believes the worst).

Do you know what that feels like? To take the blame for other's treatment?

To grow up thinking, from a child to an adult, that I was good for absolutely nothing in life.

That I was too brainless to figure anything out.

I'm your daughter, you're only one and yet, even you....

You didn't see me.

You don't see me.

One memory has always stayed in my mind. I think I was about 4/5years old.

It was a birthday party for the elder one and I know he didn't want me there.

As we hosted it, my parents probably said, she lives here, she's family, she will be there, whether you like or not.

This is the only bit I recall clearly. I was standing in the middle of the room and observing the other kids.

They were running around, laughing, playing and carefree. It struck me that I wasn't like that, I couldn't be like that.

I wanted to make friends and smile and talk but I didn't know how.

I wondered why the other two were popular and had friends when they were horrible human beings?

But me, who always tried to be nice, didn't have any.

During this lil contemplation, I can't remember anything else but I have a strong feeling, the next part happened.

And it was the start of my self-loathing. I think the elder approached me and probably viciously said...

Either.. 

You don't belong here or I don't want you here, or if you join in, the fun stops. Get out!

And I don't think I was teary, upset or shocked really, he has been saying nasty things to me all my life.

I think that I just nodded and let his evil words tear me apart.

As a small delicate lil girl. I thought there is something wrong with me.

It's my fault that people don't like me. I'm a stupid, pathetic nobody, who will never be capable of intelligence or friendliness.

And I didn't know how to tell someone or get help to be different, to be somebody that people wanted to be around.

I have a feeling that I walked into the kitchen and either looked at my Mama or went to my room.

And if my parents were there, they probably encouraged me to go back.

I guess I shook my head but what I wanted to say was..

What's wrong with me? And will anyone ever love me and be happy that I'm with them?

I shed tears for us both because I can't have a close bond with you, due to all of the above.

#BlogLife326 - Dear moi - A love/hate letter

I knew I was feeling okay, not sad or lonely or lost. I didn't think of you any longer, only pondered on how easy it was to open up to you and have freeing conversations.

I don't miss you but I feel that loss. I believe I will eventually find that again but maybe it won't feel the same?

I feel tired without the daytime naps, sleep just isn't coming unfortunately, it definitely impedes the creative flow.

There are old and new stories left to write but I'm not sure how to get rid of this block or is it more of a lock?

I've stepped back and maybe I'm reassessing myself once more.

Do I feel like I have the freedom to be me and not feel judged? No!

I know my schedule has gotten fuller and that thankfully is stopping me visiting family.

I'm sorry but I'm exhausted with being made to feel I am always wrong and incapable of accomplishing anything in your eyes.

Do you want me to be unhappy? Would that make your day?

Part of me wants a relationship with you and it's there but it's hollow and fakish.

The other part is hugging myself and whispering don't worry I'll protect you, you'll be mentally/physically safe.

It won't be the same, like how it was when you were younger, isolated and frozen with alarm bells going off.

I'm not even initiating calls anymore because you know what you do??

Ignore them or as soon as someone else calls, say omg, I have to go and take that, really good parenting for your daughters self esteem.

No wonder I can never relax and always feel like a burden for existing!

Great job!! Damn this sucky heatwave is back and so is my nausea.

I'm trying to sip a drink and hope that my stomach stops lurching, normally eating cures it but not this time.

I'm dealing with some more stress, a situation which I thought I had dealt with has come back up and all the ways they told me how to resolve it, don't work.

I've tried my best and been cooperative with the details but they are so vague.

I've done what I could and hopefully that will suffice, if not I'll have to ring them and ask what the hell they want from me??

Sometimes I've read something I've written and it doesn't even seem like I'm the author as I like it so much and it seems polished.

How could I have composed that? I'm not that good of a writer. Half the brighter summer wardrobe is here.

The bras arrived yesterday and look really cute. The tops I'll probably see if I can re-schedule for Wednesday as Hermes 2 day delivery, seems to be 3. Ugh!

I'm sorry if you hate the new themes, I'm experimenting and wanting something cheery.

I'll keep working on it but I have a lot on my plate, at the moment.

#BlogLife300 - I'm in the mood to fight!! (Goodbye part 2) mini update

Something snapped. I think I had been holding back some resentments and they came out today from what seemed like a petty instance.

I think I'm just aware of people constantly taking me for granted, using me and then just laughing or being smug about it, so when I see it, in someone supposedly nice, it burns me.

At first I really do try to understand it and ignore it, maybe as them being a lil thoughtless but then after a while, it feels like it's calculated.

Asking me questions like...... "Do you miss me?" Instead of saying.. "Oh this happened and I thought of you" or "Just checking in to see how you are?"

"I couldn't keep away, I couldn't not text, was bursting to talk to you, even though I am swamped."

You know something simple like that instead of always making me talk about what I feel and you just carelessly mumbling the same afterwards or agreeing. Pah!!!

Irritating!! You say we don't fight, well possibly that is because I hate confrontation and I feel guilty for bringing this up and upsetting you, even though I'm bloody entitled to do it!!!

That should have been my red flag. The way you harped on about us not having problems and getting on famously. I'm sure I reminded you that I was difficult at times, but you dismissed it.

The other thing that bothered me was you claimed to routinely fight with exes and had no issue with it. Why couldn't you have done the same with me?

I just think it was your pride. You must have falsely assumed my feelings for you would cloud my judgement and I would what??

Let you get away with murder?? Let myself be dissatisfied forever without facing you and offloading??

I'm not the bravest person but if it is a choice between staying quiet or screaming at you with rage? I'll take the battle option and see what unfolds.

Nobody wants to prompt someone, otherwise it feels disingenuous and fighting with someone that's using smileys and short texts is even more aggravating.

The funny thing is, you could have so easily diffused my anger. If you had just accepted my perspective and had the balls to face my wrath. You didn't though, did you??

Which makes you a coward!

Ugh!!!! Fine, see how you like short texts from now on too. To think, I was looking forward to talking to you but now I don't want too at all.

Why does it always come back to you and how you're impacted? You could have said....... Oh I didn't realise, I didn't mean to treat you that way.

Now you think I'll come running and chase you again? Well no!! I won't. I do miss you but you need to express yourself better and chase me for once!

Show me that you care, that you would make the effort to work things out until there was no point, relentlessly but then I'm starting to think, you don't. 

You've just been playing games. You left very quickly without looking back.

Hmm. I don't know, perhaps I was wrong about you, seeing/hearing what I wanted, instead of the apathetic truth.

Same ol same ol garbage!!

Next!!!!!! 

Have a nice life!!

You failed the argument test. 

I need to be able to communicate my emotions, have you understand my perspective and then reply back with comprehension and a suitable response.

I will not go back to being ignored as though what I am going through doesn't register at all.

Plus I need to hear your take on it, you can disagree, you can see it differently but you have to speak up and let me know, otherwise we don't belong together.

It's still immensely challenging to express myself, so you have to realise if I am doing it or shouting, it's because I'm frustrated and I'm sick of being tolerable when I don't feel it's returned to me.

All couples row, it's human nature. We should have been able to navigate through this, instead we broke apart.

You haven't been in contact since yesterday afternoon and I don't think you will.

You want someone that is meek and won't go against you at all. I can be chilled at times but I'm not a doormat, if something is eating away at me, I should be able to vent, without you running away.

Ps someone tell me how to stop picking up my phone and checking for missed calls/messages every few minutes..LOL.

This did help. I just needed to get it out of my system so that I wasn't replaying the last conversation again.

I will give you until this evening and then I'll block you permanently.

No relationship/friendship is perfect but for me I need certain things to be able to breathe.

I grew up with fear and dysfunction in my interactions. That's not how I want to live anymore.

I want something healthy and normal. I want to get through conflicts and not be depressed or scared.

It should be routine and cathartic to vent. One day maybe I'll find someone that lets me be all parts of moi.

The soft, the vulnerable, the sarcastic, the witty, the sweet, the angry, the aloof, the suspicious, the affectionate, the lovable and lastly, respectably nutty.

**Oh and one final thing, you selfish bastard. (Yes I have been cursing you out).

You asked to hear one itty bitty chapter of my work and that was it. You weren't keen on any of the posts that didn't mention you!

Yet you kept asking again and again for me to hear more of your story. 

Considering how nerve wracking that experience of reading to you was but how fiercely I defended my work, when you didn't like a certain detail..

Plus how supportive I was with yours, when it wasn't to my genre taste at all.

I would have thought you could have been way more supportive and enthusiastic.

More examples of your over inflated ego! What was the bit he didn't like?

In Uncivilised Civilian when I was describing the shower amenities, he thought I harped on about it excessively.

I pointed out that this was aimed at women, who always had a million and one products cluttering up the bathroom, so this should appeal.

Ok, now I wash my hands of you and I'm officially done!

#BlogLife299 - Dear Yum Yum (Goodbye part 1)

Sheepishly looks at you. I have a confession to make, I got the dates muddled. We aren't at our 1 month anniversary, it's coming up to our 3rd week, next Wednesday.

Maybe I'm still trying to fast track us? Skip ahead to a more established time? In order that I feel more secure and comfortable and that this isn't another disaster in the making..?

I can't really pick faults with you, the way that I do with others, In regards to my past history.

By this time, I have always discovered a fountain of flaws and unpleasant habits that I want to distance myself away from.

We already have sickeningly sweet pet names for each other, as well as the rude and bizarrely humourous types. It seems to flow out of mouths more naturally, instinctively.

Perhaps it is too soon? I have no idea. This is unfamiliar terrain. I guess I will always feel cautious.

Don't move too fast, keep it at a slow steady pace, don't get overrun by hormones or infatuation, take your time, get to know him truly first and see if there are any haunting surprises.

Surprisingly when I had a rough few days, I actually did not turn away from you. I opened up and explained what happened which is fairly new to me.

I prefer stepping back and unravelling it myself and then returning to a more lighthearted mood.

You were quite caring and understanding, felt moved by my plight even though I quickly dismissed it as overreacting and moved on to more pleasant discussions.

On one hand. having hashed far more than we probably should at this stage, I wonder how it will be when there isn't a time limit?

If we will just sit and talk endlessly and not be bored or making excuses to escape.

You just seem so certain about us, that it will all magically work out and I don't comprehend that at all, with so many obstacles in the way.

Maybe you're just saying what you think I want to hear or what you assume all women want? I can't say. Or are you just an optimist?

I just know that for me. I can't envision the future. I'm so used to being by myself, it's ingrained that I'll always be alone, fending for myself.

I've never had moments where I could let myself unfold. Trust someone and say, this is me. I'm not perfect, I'm not traditional but I'm loyal, honest and I can learn to be affectionate and share my time.

The simplicity of my life, doesn't seem enough. Writing, writing and more writing.

Then there is my constant state of exhaustion. The aches and pains lingering gently or aggressively.

The stress of keeping myself going, knowing that if I stop, I just might not carry on anymore.

I don't hate my life, tough though it may be. It's just a lot to deal with but when there are moments of serenity, it's bearable.

What if I can't be me, anymore, as a couple? What if I have to pretend to be in good spirits so that you don't fret about me?

I don't want to lose my essence. I don't want to put on a mask and not be genuine. 

I just want to be the same person but with allowances set aside to include you.

I don't need things my way all the time, I can compromise and we can work something out.

It should always be equal and respectful. Everything seems good on the surface but I don't feel I am 100% in yet.

We did seem to share a lot of the same views and that helps immensely because I've never quite met anyone that is more like me, in some respects.

You agree to take things at a slow pace and never dismiss my feelings, instead constantly validates them but I'm still wary and can't let go yet and go with my emotions.

It would lift the weight off my shoulders to confide in you and let you support me/let us be there for each other. To be able to be transparent all the time, instead of having my guard up.

However what if I do all of that in due course and you betray me??

It's a risk and I have been taking you at face value. You don't shy away from awkward exchanges and you randomly volunteer tidbits so I have no reason to doubt your word.

I just need time and for you to be patient. If this is going to work out like you assume, then I don't want to be backed into a corner and rushed.

It should just be taking the next steps as they come and hoping that there is a pleasant journey ahead.

One of the issues is that I have never liked my body, slim or voluptuous it always received negative criticisms so I always felt it wasn't appealing.

I think disrobing will be a challenge for me but fancy pants lingerie will help. I've already seen beautiful summery bras but i miss buying the sets.

We gabbed about many things and I wonder if we will get to that domesticated state?

Having the neighbours over for dinner, sneaking off into the kitchen in the guise of a ruse for some covert smooching..

Going for walks, holding hands or arm in arm to walk off a meal, get some air or just because the mood takes us.

Visiting the local pub for lunch and drinks but ignoring everyone, lost in our own bubble world.

Me making lunch for you, adding lil notes and piling in extra treats for you to savour.

Us curling up sometimes when I nap or offloading to you or you to me, after an aggravating day.

Swapping immature but giggly challenges and seeing who can best the other.

(You're going down, I fight to win, fight dirty too *bats eyelashes*)!

I'm not asking for promises. I'm uncertain whether it will be a success or not, myself.

I guess what I want is for you to be a good guy. To be someone that I can learn to rely on a bit, that I can unwind with and be happy with..

As I don't quite know how to divulge the horrific details of my home life and my dating past.

It's just all really........ disturbing.

                           ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Hmm I'm not sure I have the right to feel miffed at you but I do. You could have texted, even if you didn't call yesterday.

Not that you're obligated but sometimes it seems like I'm the one thinking of you or missing you and you only say the same thing, after me.

That's not very nice or balanced. At times, you should be the one to say sentimental things before me, assuming you do feel that way.

I do not want to be in a one sided thing. I know at other times, you say stuff randomly but you're a lil bit too laid back.

You should never be that complacent, that you have me. I've told you that before.

I'm not the self titled Ice Queen for no reason. I will not settle for crumbs of affection!

#BlogLife270 - Dear L

I'm sorry that I don't have it in me to talk just yet. I don't want you to worry or feel bad, it's just hard to explain.

You see when someone makes me feel bad, I think about the other times that people made me feel unsafe.

I don't know why this time is different but somehow, a lot of memories are just coming up, one after the other and it's just too much to deal with.

I thank you for your patience and kindness. I'm just a bit messed up at the moment and I can't seem to get back to how I was.

This is why I tend to disappear for a while and not say anything because I'm just trying to make sense of it, or just take a break from feeling like I am too lost, unhappy, depressed and scared.

I'm trying to focus on a couple of stories but I'm struggling to write these happy funny stories because I feel burdened with ghosts from the past.

I don't know how to say it and make it clear. It's like being followed around by a phantom and this being is shouting abuse and calling me names and it won't leave me alone, it won't disappear, it won't stop pursuing me.

I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I just don't have the strength to talk. I would never just cast you aside, as though you didn't matter to me.

But having space to myself, this is my coping mechanism, this is how I start to feel better. This and music.

It's helping but I keep thinking about bad experiences and every time I feel better, some other painful thought comes into my head and it's making me step back.

You're in my thoughts and I hope that you and hubby are well and finding things to smile about.

I'll be back but not yet. I have to look after myself.

Take care

(((((hugs)))))

#BlogLife80 - Dear Bear

Dedicated to Bear,

The great thing about having an anonymous blog and being a fiction creator is that nobody knows if this is real or not. Who says I have to tag it as fiction, it might or may not be... 

My phone is half dead so I've left it on but on the charger listening out for you.

We've already texted and chatted on the phone and it seemed like our longest one yet.

I find myself thinking of you and picking up my phone in case there are missed calls or texts.

I said something silly in my last message. You asked me to explain and I shake my head. 

No, some things cannot be uttered or pieced together. They are better left unsaid, hanging in the air, waiting to float away and be forgotten.

I have breakfast sat next to me but I haven't touched it. A teacake with some cream cheese.

I guess my only appetite is for you these days. You are the first thing on my mind and the last.

I wonder how long we can maintain this... Distraction? You have a life, I have one and do we even fit together?

I'm not thinking deeply. I'm just musing in a round about way. 

It's a lil addictive when you focus on me and we have this strange utopian world where there are no other factors driving us apart.

I can't multi task, I can't think straight. I give myself to you alone.

Each day I wonder if you are happy? If you have everything you need? if your day is going smoothly? 

Whether or not I can do anything to fix or improve it?

I have set up a roadblock inside and don't want to think about what any of this means.

Or the fact that it will all come to a crashing end. I want to protect myself and be a lil less present.

The scary thing is, most of me just wants to stay where you are and be in the moment.

I want to walk with you and move forwards but I don't desire false commitments or promises or feelings.

I just need you to feel just a lil keen to have me around and miss me a tiny bit when I'm not.

The fleeting times we talk and laugh together are magical.

The thing you do unconsciously now it seems, where your voice changes and you wake up and go back to being practical, drives me wild!

I feel like you are straightening your tie, running your hands through your hair and clearing your throat, trying to shake my voice from your mind.

You say you have to go, that you are being called away and I want to pounce on you and protest.

I don't want to share you but I'm also realistic too. I have priorities but then I see another text and my face lights up.

Maybe I should be running from you? Today though and maybe always I just want to dash into your arms and remain there for an obscene time!

~X~X~X~ 

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