#BlogLife1031 - Goodbye.. To you and you and you :)

It's time, Ogl has left Looney Toons and that's sad, we begun to have some laughs about the game.

Then I texted P to say we should part company, nothing personal and that I will block his number tonight.

I sacrifice my needs in acquaintanceships, pretend it's ok, but it's not, it never is.

I don't know if he'll respond, I don't care. He had to have seen this coming, last year I think I warned him that at some point I might step away and he said, Let him know first, so I did.

L stopped talking as well, at least she has an excuse, lots of stuff going on with her.

I don't blame her but I want someone I can talk too, even if it's superficial, at times.

I can't be myself. I can never just let go and trust someone will be there at the other end because they never are.

It's only here that I can reveal stuff but even then, I don't always want to share, however I do have the option still..

P responded with take care, thanks for letting him know. Now I can block in peace.

Time to stop faffing about and continue with the stories, if they turn out crap, so be it..

At least I'll enjoy re-reading them, some have reverted back to drafts, unfinished shouldn't be published.

I did actually add more to the Christmas story. I have a strong feeling I'm going to change directions with it.

I am determined that this December it will be ready to be seen. No more putting it off.

I have a feeling the Wattpad stories are slowly generating more interest also, which makes me feel guilty for neglecting them too.

Well confusing times because Mama said she already got the fudge and she likes it.

(I bought a cheaper version, Oh yea it was by Amazon ha, strange but ok).

Also the lip balms, which are not out for delivery, hmm, something came today, no idea..

Face washes, top and nightie left to turn up. I've found a new way to stop overcooking the rolls.

I used to leave them in the press to stay warm but by the time the chicken and burgers are cooked, it turns too hard.

Now I've lightly browned them and switched off the press and laid them wrapped up on top of it, so maybe it will stay warm but it won't get too hard, perfect.

For some reason I fancied the coleslaw before I bought it and now I have it, it doesn't appeal.

I'm still eating it but for low calorie, it seems very creamy.. I'm running out of snacks.

I could either do a shop on Thursday morning because Friday is the UC appointment or Saturday morning..

It will probably be Thursday, so I can stock up. I've no idea what to buy..

The new series of The Buccaneers started, I have no idea when and I don't even remember the original plot, who is who, so it's a bit confusing, I'll have to rewatch season 1.

I read and speak to so many people about loneliness and I'm glad I don't feel that way.

Yea sometimes I want a chitchat but aside from that, I'm okay as I am in my own lil castle.

I just cut my hair, so it's supposedly even now. I don't know if I should buy a skirt, it's getting warmer, I still feel too on display..

Dresses look funny because my waist goes in, tummy sticks out. I feel kinda lumpy, despite being a lil trimmer.

At least a long top covers me up. I always wear long sleeves, I never show my arms or legs anymore.

I'm a mind, I'm a personality, I'm not just a body, I would appreciate being seen that way.

#Bloglife769 - Love to L/Evil rationale

I offered to call L on discord and elaborate a bit more on the situation and on most if not all sites, I usually block the webcam and microphone options but I completely forgot about that.

So I missed her call and tried to return it but it said the mic is disabled, go to chrome settings to switch it and it was under security and site, I then just changed it to allow.

And boom but before all that, I just said I would use the mobile instead as all it asked was permission to use the mic, I clicked ok and the call was just instant.

She was clear, I was understood and we just talked for an hour, I was literally laughing and crying.

She is the best person, totally sweet and she definitely did make me feel less hopeless.

Like all is not lost. I appreciate that and her. I actually am hungry so I'm cooking some garlic bread, plain and hmm, either I'll pair it with some cod or maybe wings.

I think cod because, I enjoy that and at the moment, going off beef.

Those Gullon crackers things are sooo yummy, I bought 2 tubs, only because they are a £1 each and I can use it to feel my hunger pangs as it's a big tub.

It's actually a really bright and sunny day today, maybe that's a positive sign?

Oh yea I have flavoured ice poles, it's been too cold to eat them, but today is the right temperature.

I sometimes forget, that not everyone in this world is horrible. Today is a nice reminder of that.

I'm going to eat, watch Oh yea, the second season of Found is back, I started watching it and then got chatting to L.

Wanna watch it with me? That first new episode was great, whereas the second episode of High Potential seemed a bit slow.

I talked to Mama and she apologised for basically putting me into this spot.

Which I dismissed as I don't fully blame her, that's her son and she's unable to cut ties, but his influence on my life is devastating and continues to haunt me.

That part aggravates me because I repeatedly tell her, not to mention both of their names and any information regarding them.

But it's almost as though she does it on purpose, so that maybe I can sympathise with them?

I have no idea still, how both of them have a more elevated status to her, than I do???

I don't care about money, but an example of what I'm talking about, is that she gave them both an early inheritance and didn't leave me anything but will set aside the remainder of her savings.

I have never wanted anything from her, except to be treated as an equal.

So she said, Oh don't worry, he got his karma, because he was scammed out of money, from a housing investment.

And I thought, why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to pity him?

Do you think that makes it acceptable, what he has done to me? Are we even now? Is that how malice works?

Because he's suffering, somehow it's fine what he did to me, on purpose??

Getting me in trouble with the law and having all my savings taken and making me worry about not being able to survive financially or emotionally?

I didn't say anything of the above to her, I'm not intending to hurt her feelings but between you and me, I am angry.

I still feel like she gives them a free pass to treat me like crap and she's been doing that all my life and that's not alright.

It's as though she wants me to remain a doormat, that's how it feels, to constantly forgive them, or make her conscience clear.

I have no idea but like I said before as long as they are around, I fear for my life and sanity.

I know they will both always find ways to hurt me. They don't reside anywhere near me but their reach seems to extend to my mind.

The same as my entire childhood, I feel trapped and like there is no escape ever.

I continue to teeter on the edge. Sorry I just can't be perky at the moment.

I need to continue airing these feelings out, while I have access to my laptop.

My problem with her is that, although she didn't raise monsters, she taught us to respect others and be upstanding people.

She seems to brush all their wrongdoings under the carpet, but mine, she gloatily highlights them and knocks my confidence.

Oh and the icing on the cake, was when she said, Hmpff, well if he ever expects you to speak to him again, that will be his tough luck.

Excuseeeeee me?????? He's out to destroy my life and you think I have ever wanted anything to do with him?

You think even if he didn't do this, I would be buddy buddy with him????

Alright, admittedly, selfishly, I would prefer she cut him out of her life too, I wouldn't ask her or expect her to do that.

But at least I would feel a lil freer, than I do now. After all this is over and if by some lucky stroke, the damage isn't too bad..

I don't know how I'll feel about blogging/talking. I may just take a break from it.

Blogging is my necessity but I'm feeling emptier and emptier. I will see how it goes, I'm not positive or negative, just realistic.

Oh I think officially, both the housing benefit and JSA have stopped so if Universal Credit rejects my claim..

Plus I have to pay a fine. I can pay one or two more rent payments and then I'm broke.

I have an appointment on Friday and maybe I'll know more about my claim. Plus the letter would or should also arrive by then.

I can do the bank/paypal statements and send them off. My stomach is back to lurching but that could also be cramps.

#BlogLife270 - Dear L

I'm sorry that I don't have it in me to talk just yet. I don't want you to worry or feel bad, it's just hard to explain.

You see when someone makes me feel bad, I think about the other times that people made me feel unsafe.

I don't know why this time is different but somehow, a lot of memories are just coming up, one after the other and it's just too much to deal with.

I thank you for your patience and kindness. I'm just a bit messed up at the moment and I can't seem to get back to how I was.

This is why I tend to disappear for a while and not say anything because I'm just trying to make sense of it, or just take a break from feeling like I am too lost, unhappy, depressed and scared.

I'm trying to focus on a couple of stories but I'm struggling to write these happy funny stories because I feel burdened with ghosts from the past.

I don't know how to say it and make it clear. It's like being followed around by a phantom and this being is shouting abuse and calling me names and it won't leave me alone, it won't disappear, it won't stop pursuing me.

I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I just don't have the strength to talk. I would never just cast you aside, as though you didn't matter to me.

But having space to myself, this is my coping mechanism, this is how I start to feel better. This and music.

It's helping but I keep thinking about bad experiences and every time I feel better, some other painful thought comes into my head and it's making me step back.

You're in my thoughts and I hope that you and hubby are well and finding things to smile about.

I'll be back but not yet. I have to look after myself.

Take care

(((((hugs)))))