#BlogLife281 - Crazy self therapy 7

Welcome back SS. It's been a while. I'm glad you came and are ready to check in with me. 

What's new? What's been happening? How are you feeling?

Well Doc.. I don't know where to start. I was doing okay, the usual stresses and strains and then it all seemed to fall apart when I had this disagreement.

The annoying thing was it shouldn't have been a big deal but somehow this small issue uncovered other triggers and I fell into some sort of.. crisis.

This is perfectly normal when it pertains to PTSD. One thing can offset others and then it just spirals.

Why do you assume you are dealing with multi layered PTSD though, can't it just be from the single, most recent type of trauma?

No it can't. Now that I am older and can better comprehend a lot more than I could as a child.

It's come to my attention that I was suffering from PTSD before I even knew what that mean't.

The experiences I had as a young girl, this was all instilled in me as nothing out of the ordinary.

The fears, the verbal abuse, the hunts, the being silenced, the disapprovals.

I'm sure I could have handled it better, if it was just one single person was doing it but everyone did it.

That's what is difficult to get my head around.

If one person tells me I'm without value. I can shrug it off but if ten people relay it to me, it sinks in and just takes up residence in my brain.

Hmm I see what you mean and understand you better now. I think at that point your PTSD was underlying.

It didn't present itself until much later because you couldn't comprehend everything that happened to you.

It's only now when you are away from your family and have found your own safe space and your own castle that you have the tools to figure it all out.

This is probably why it is hitting you doubly hard because it was just dormant before and now it's been unearthed and demands attention.

I know you don't want to but have you considered talking to your remaining parent, trying to vocalise just how bad things were or still are?

Doc, Doc, Doc. In some ways, I have. I mean when she tries to coerce me into socialising with them, I stand my ground but to be honest, she doesn't acknowledge the pain, my pain.

If she did, she wouldn't keep offending me by asking me to spend time with them all together, she would realise, wait, hang on, maybe SS doesn't need extra tears on top of the ones she exhibits.

I don't know if she has a mental block to prevent her seeing or hearing just how destructive things actually were but the magnitude is just lost on her completely.

I don't think I could say anything to get through. I have tried and it's like for that second she will understand a fraction and then as soon as the conversation is over...

It feels like I have to explain myself again, as though I'm the one at FAULT!!!!

It shouldn't be like that. I was the suicidal girl. I was the one that didn't want to live and they remain unaffected.

Bravo SS. You don't usually seem candid about wanting to terminate your existence, usually you cover it or side step.

I think it's brave and admirable to come right out and say exactly how you were feeling at those vulnerable times.

Parents do the best they can but sometimes doing nothing is counter productive.

Maybe a part of it is my fault. I was the one that covered up my actions, every time I attempted it.

Maybe if she had realised, things could have turned out differently, but then again, maybe it would have stayed the same, who knows?!

Well it is an interesting concept but you'll never know so I'm not going to dwell on what ifs and I won't allow you to do the same.

Why do you think this particular row was different to the others you surely must have had?

Good question. I reckon it was because I was having fun and I let my guard down, it seemed like a harmless place and I begun to relax.

Then it felt like a sneak attack. When I was defenceless and so that hurt more.

We uneasily made peace but I don't appreciate the excuse he made. We all have things in our past, not just you.

It negated the apology a bit for me. He should have just left it with..

I said things I didn't mean and apologise, hope we can sort it out.

Now I just don't want to be there anymore and it's a pity because I miss the others but I'm not willing to let my walls down again.

Hmm as long as you felt he sincerely mean't the apology, maybe you could try again?

I know that he did. However this isn't the first time he's been insensitive to my feelings and probably won't be the last.

I would rather not put myself in that situation again, knowing how the repercussions come about.

Fair enough. Would it help to differentiate the two types of PTSD?

The childhood one was down to verbal abuse, now these weren't death threats as such but there was a lot of meaning that wasn't indicated behind the words.

It may only have been spoken but I truly was convinced I would eventually be hospitalised or murdered by their hands, from either sibling or by my own.

I think I realised that either I can stick around and try to survive it and make the bits that aren't terrifying into some sort of life for myself.......

Or the alternative option. Take the power away from them and just end my life, on my terms, not theirs.

It was going to happen sooner or later, why not sooner and why not at my discretion??

I did it again and again and again and again. It just didn't produce the desired results and the last time I think I recognised that deep down I did want to survive.

I just needed an outlet. Regarding the recent PTSD which isn't new.

That developed about.. Fifteen years ago and was more pronounced.

I had panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks. This seemed more physical.

There were visual triggers, words, sounds, sights that I could not face at all.

Even enclosed spaces where I didn't have a problem with prior, became suffocating to me.

I feel like I've only just realised the two types have been co-existing together and trying to merge.

I feel like I kept them separate and the latter was more acceptable because that was more real to me, nobody could take that away from me.

People saw me afterwards and acknowledged. Yes it was catastrophic.

Few people could get past it but I did so that was out in the open somewhat and made it, well forced me to deal with it.

I had people enquiring, I had scars and bruising, internally and externally and everyone wanted to know about it.

I'm not saying I talked much but I was backed into a corner a lot and the thing that still irritates me is that my mama, just went about telling the world, my business.

I don't share a hell of a lot, what the hell makes you think, you can spread gossip???

Plus if someone has been through a huge ordeal, why on earth would you make them talk about it???

Sick, sick people!!

I see so you have essentially, split it into two halves. Acceptable PTSD and unacceptable.

Meaning that the second type was brought about by a specific cause and could not have been hidden, even if you wanted it too.

Plus it was substantiated in a way that cannot be argued with. However the first was covered up and had no proof that could be seen.

You decided that it didn't exist. You swept it under the carpet and thought now that you have escaped it, it's just magically gone, as though it was never there in the first place?

RIght! That is exactly what I did. I was waiting for someone to admit that this was a unhealthy situation but everyone seemed to play the denial game.

I eventually played along also. What choice did I have?

I think we are making progress here. I've never heard you explain it like that before. Do you feel better?

I do actually, thank you. I think it's saying it out loud. That my childhood wasn't standard.

I fooled myself into thinking it was but being threatened with bodily harm isn't stereotypical behaviour.

Even if noone else believes it to be the case and there's never evidence by me just saying it...

That's enough. I have spoken the truth and made it come out of the darkness.

I would not have been so desperate for attention, love and respect, if I had been receiving it at home!

I sought it out from boyfriends, to friends, to acquaintances.....

And barely got it back and if I did, there were so many strings attached to it.

Always conditional, not unconditional.

And now? What is different?

Me. I transformed. I looked deep inside myself and brought the pain out. 

I learned how to express myself.

I learned it was okay not to be perfect.

I learned that it was fine to have conditions, when not getting respect or care in return for my friendship.

I learned I could protect myself and that it wasn't overreacting, it was the way to handle it and not be a wreck.

I learned that I was far from repugnant. In fact I was gentle and kind and sweet and clever and creative and talented.

I learned that despite others low opinions of me. I was likeable.

I learned how to love myself, whether I succeeded or failed.

I learned to try because actually that was fun, realising I did have it in me.

I learned that my body and face were never going to be ideal but I saw the cuteness. I saw the shapliness. 

I saw the beauty.

I learned I didn't need a single soul anymore!

I learned that Music and writing gives me my power back. It fills me with energy and mends me back together so that I'm whole again.

I learned that my pain, helps others. They can connect to me in a way that they cannot with anyone else.

I learned that I can be a writer, blogger and storyteller. I may not be the best or popular but my voice will always be unique, compelling and special and that gives me comfort.

Wow SS. I didn't even need to prompt you much today. Did you realise how much you needed to offload?

I'll always be proud of the journey you continue to forge. It's not easy with many treacherous paths but you're standing tall and holding your own.

Thanks Doc. Actually none of it was coming out. My head was scrambled and it was getting really tough to write anything at all.

But you tend to keep me on track and pull out, what I need to deal with and explore.

#BlogLife269 - Dance the depression away

The first step is talking about what ails me but when it's big and it keeps pulling other traumatic memories into it, I have to stop and take a minute.

There is more but I can't figure it out so time to pause. I can't be sad anymore. I have no more tears flowing. It's time to dance.

I went on Youtube and browsed some recommended songs and came up with these..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRp3-D3SMwI&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=4

El Taxi - Pitbull/Osmani

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=415i-MDiLF4&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

Bumpy Ride - Mohombi/Pitbull/Machel Montano

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fWXgpyWrLo&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=2

Jalebi Baby - Tesher/Jason Derulo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugBATM57A-o&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=3

Picky - Joey Montana/Akon/Mohombi

Most are remixes, it just helps perk me up easier. I'm not ignoring my problems just taking time out from them.

The only thing left to do is join me in a music dance marathon. Shake your head, wave your hands, move your hips.

Up, up, up. I don't care if you can't dance or don't have any rhythm and can't sing in tune, take my hand and let's laugh and dance and be crazy.

Wooo......

Since I wrote this, something I had been waiting for, finally arrived. It was really stressing me out and I was unable to do anything to hurry it up.

I've now dealt with it and feel so much lighter. Plus I got an unexpected refund which wasn't even accompanied by an explanation but it has really come in useful.

I met mama for lunch today and I didn't really have an appetite, the nausea was lurking but I did eat a chicken panini, although it's not as tasty as the Pret stuff.

I did my hair and makeup neatly and although I was physically drained within a few steps, it was good to hand over the things I bought for her.

Saline and the sanitiser. If I could have been bothered to walk to the market, I would have got her the olive crackers too but I was dead on my feet.

The stories are slowly coming but I keep finding extra details to add which is annoying me but it's fun to have a few different tales to cycle through..

#BlogLife190 - Be someone else (crazy self therapy 6)

I'm lounging here finally realising that as well as plugging in the electric blankie, I need to switch it on too.

I am finally de-thawing as it is heating up and wearing two blankets helps, one heated, one non, are better than none.

I'm trying to wrap up the foodie short story I was hoping to have concluded before Christmas but my brain is spiralling.

This was the wrong time to buy cold breakfasty stuff like yoghurt. I'm not quite back to having a bit appetite. Just nibbling bits and pieces.

Currently that oaty nutty cereal. Anyway my mind is just randomly connecting thoughts and I realised that my confidence identity crisis has stemmed from people wanting me to be someone else.

Hardly anyone has ever said and mean't it or acted like they wanted me to be myself and stay that way.

It was always, act like your cousins, act like your friends, act like your siblings.

I think that is why I punish myself and am self critical. Noone else was accepting me so I figured. Hey I must be a bad person and must need to alter myself to be normal.

People around me continue to treat me the same, as though I am a burden and easily dismissable.

Pretty impossible not to take that personally and think, meh it's just them, that is their opinion.

I just wanted a piece of someone's time, never all of it. Yet people talk over me and are "busy."

Yet they have sufficient spots for other people. I have had multiple types of friendships.

1. Timewasters - Some purposefully seek me out and then drag the conversation down 24-7 or lie continuously for no reason.

2. Control freaks - I want to go here, I want to do that. I want to call the shots. I dictate the topics.

3. Apathetic - A one way friendship. They don't want to communicate but expect me to be warm and fuzzy while I'm chasing them trying to maintain this nonexistent relationship.

4. Spiteful - Whether knowingly or unknowingly. They have made a lifetime habit of lil digs at me. Hmm clutzy much? Wait a good looking guy, fancies you??????

5. Good at first, then fizzles - These were more wholesome. It was more equal. At first we both made the effort and put time into it and then it was just me and my patience only lasts so long before I figure.......

What the hell is the point??

I'm trying to keep going and embrace all the odd parts of me and I say odd affectionately because being quirky is part of me.

I'm not trying to be perfect and be like everyone else. I'm carving my own path forwards and stumbling and getting back on my feet.

It would be nice if one of my stories or posts could be the one that get's me more noticed or more engagements but I'm not after notoriety.

I think it would just be satisfying to write something that could reach people in a way that is unique to me.

I like all my fiction but the latest one on the blog at least, not on wattpad is my favourite one to date.

I just don't know how to bring it all together and then end it. I'm really trying to keep them short and fun but I want to develop it a lil bit so there is a bit of substance there.

I'm on chapter 15 of Lethal Curves Ahead and I can't wait to skip ahead to other storylines I have in my head.

I'm just trying to create some sort of love triangle, as per usual. You know me, I hate where there is only a solo hero. There always needs to be two candidates to make it less predictable.

The last time I published a chapter was November. Eeek, that's bad right??!!

At least I managed to finish it yesterday. I don't feel so clouded anymore, even with this freezing cold weather.

It's just past 9am and I hope the repair guy turns up soon. Would be nice if it is the same one I am used to dealing with but we shall see.

I'm hoping it is just the usual problem and not anything more serious. He already mentioned a backlog for spare parts which has me panicking slightly.

This week was difficult to get through as it is. I wish I could walk around in the furry fleecey heated blankie but I would probably trip over the plug :D

I hope you all have a fun, chilled or action packed weekend, depending on your interests.

I'll see you back, hopefully Monday :)

#BlogLife106 - Crazy Self Therapy 5

Hey Doc, I'm back. It's been a few months and it's the same up and downess it always is but I'm just tired of it. I feel like my back is up and I am once more cautious.

It just seems like the danger comes from people I know rather than strangers. I should be able to trust and rely on them but I cannot.

I am so sick and tired of building my self esteem up, only for someone to come and walk all over me again as though I am nothing in their eyes!

It's like I stand up straight and puff out my chest and finally start feeling good about myself and my accomplishments and someone just points at me and sneers..

Or worse still they treat me as though I don't matter and are not worth their time. I am struggling once more to feel happy about myself.

Every single time I encourage myself to open up and give a piece of me away, it's just treated with contempt.

What on earth is the point of trying to connect or trusting someone or trying at all when I get the same feedback??

I need to regroup and strengthen my high walls again because I am at the point where I believe them again.

What if they are right about me?

What if it really is better that I don't communicate?

What if I am a nobody?

What if my words, insights, feelings and thoughts are inconsequential and are not worth caring about?

Alright you shared a lot today and that was commendable but here is my take on it. I understand why you are feeling this way.

We have been through a long tough road together and the different pitfalls of all your combined family/friends/romantic relationships haven't always been healthy..

However I still maintain we have made significant progress on that front. There have been times, where you have made the effort and it has paid off.

Do what you need to get back to feeling worthwhile but in the meantime, just think carefully before you burn all of your bridges.

Either way I am on your side and will support any decision you make. It is acceptable to cry. Everyone is devalued at times and it is part of life to feel lost and alone.

Although nobody has the right to make you feel that way! Before we end this session, you are going to list your highlights in front of me.

1. Composed a book all by myself and then completed it.

2. Had a dream and book 2 was born and I am writing it out.

3. Started volunteering and I reach people that at times, others do not.

4. Experimented with a lot of platforms until I found a home on Blogger.

5. Learned to cut and style my own hair.

6. Took a chance and let others in and made friends/acquaintances.

7. Transitioned into a healthier state by becoming a teetotalist. Avoiding excess salt/sugar and trying out more vegan/vegetarian alternatives.

8. Removed toxic/wishy-washy people from my life.

9. Winning fabulous prizes in competitions ranging from Money/Giftcards/Mobiles/Premiere Tickets/Hampers.

10. Saving a fortune by bargain hunting, negotiating and product testing high quality items that I get to keep and benefit from using.

11. Prioritising my safety by avoiding physical/emotional situations that involve bullies and danger.

12. Surviving everything that I have been through and continue to battle. PTSD, health, confidence crisis, verbal attacks, belittling and being ignored.

You're right Doc, I feel a whole lot better! I am a somebody and although I may not be conventionally normal. I am a smart, tough cookie who can make it through anything!

:)

#BlogLife47 - Helping by not helping

Dear Dr K.

Thank you doesn't seem adequate enough. 

I just realised something. For somebody who said he was busy and didn't have much time to spare....

You dropped everything, took an hour and supported me. I mean me, the woman who doesn't have anyone. 

Why the hell did you do that?

You could have just said meh, tomorrow or someone else will handle it but no you stepped in and I kept pushing you away. 

I shared a fraction. I encouraged you to leave and enjoy your weekend but it was as if you knew my tricks and dismissed them easily. 

I'm really not used to it and when I knew you were staying.. 

I opened up partially and then completely. 

I kept waiting for you to say. I was wrong and I mishandled it but you didn't. 

You said I took it in my stride to some degree.

You said that after what I experienced, most people would have uninstalled the app.

Was I self serving? Should I have insisted you leave? I don't know. 

It feels like for all those people I assisted, the two I didn't cancels it all out. 

Am I cut out for this if I can't do it properly? Will I continue to make errors and worsen lives? 

It's hit me pretty hard because what I didn't tell you Dr K is that I related to them. 

You would have thought I was unhinged and kicked me out. I have felt true despair. 

I have been lost, inwardly begging for help and yet not making a difference today, means I'm useless again. 

I realised after we spoke that I'm a selfish person. The first chat was so bad that I didn't want to deal with the second. 

Another person would have handled it better even though she said everyone terminated her chats without a reason. 

All she wanted was support and I couldn't give her that. You told me I'll do better next time.

I just wanted you to lie and swear that I wouldn't get two back to back conversations that floored me. 

I feel unsure. Do I reach out and say. It turns out I can listen after all or do I just leave it and quit? 

There are unspecific guidelines because she could potentially fall into both categories and I wasn't sure if I was allowed to engage with either one, to be honest.

With the first I did because I felt like he needed to be heard and with the second I didn't want to break the rules and it was unclear.

I'm truly sorry Patient's X and Y that I didn't support you in the manner you deserved.

I froze and didn't say everything I was supposed too. I just did a partial of it. 

I was so arrogant with the routine engagements that I totally forgot about the scary ones.

I'm still rattled and mad at myself but thank you for taking time out of your night to offer perspective.

To also help me decompress. I appreciate it. I'm not sure I feel better but I needed badly to get it out of my system.

How did I not have it on my cheat sheet? That I created to help me focus on the accurate techniques?

Today's post is kinda weird considering how I ended the last one.

I just needed to vent. I'm grateful you let me until you felt I had fully got it all out. 

You remained for all of it and you didn't judge me at all. You were kinder than I deserved. 

Whatever I did and said just didn't feel enough. I'm not looking to cure it, just to lessen.

I do not feel as though I achieved that. Dr K is such a funny nickname! I can't believe you offered to be there again. Such a glutton for punishment.

I declined out of guilt for taking up your time.

This is the first time it hasn't been self therapy. The worse thing out of all of it was being thanked by both of them. For what? I didn't do a damn thing!!!

Tears of a clowner (Crazy self therapy 3)

The day started off well. I realised I had 4200 points in my Mistplay account and could use that to get my second £10 Amazon giftcard.

It goes through a process where it checks it out and then you get approved or denied. I switch between two phones and set one to charge and use the other.

I was playing on three but my Honor phone cannot handle the games so I ceased. 

I know my head is screwed up when I put my melancholy playlist on and feel the music. My family relationships are so messed up.

Someone was asking me some personal questions and I started bawling my eyes out. I wish for embarrassment sake that I could say it was tiny short weeping but it wasn't.

These were heavy emotional tears. I tell myself to grow up, get over it, let it not affect me but the truth is, it was a massive part of my life and it all culminated together.

I was dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis. I was trying to cope with being a teenager and socialising and doing other things normal kids do.

I was failing at letting the verbal abuse and threats from my family wash over me. Those words and actions cut me deeply. 

I should have been carefree and enjoying life but there was so much misery to contend with.

I was a sick girl looking after a sick family member and still I could do no right.

How was I supposed to deal with being told to keep constantly quiet? 

I wanted to scream, somebody hear me. Listen to my pain. Somebody please save me from this hellish life.

How was I going to cope with being told I was untrustworthy?

How dare you accuse me of that. I am the good daughter. I don't lie or steal like they do. I have done nothing but take your abuse and cruelty and still I tried to keep you company and care for you.

Why do you relish picking on me??

How on earth do I live each day with chronic pain, PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks and emotional scars?

The reality of my situation is, I hate closing my eyes and falling asleep. I stay up for as late as I can bear it to avoid being haunted.

I woke up abruptly this morning after having a nightmare and it shook me. I couldn't close my eyes after that, I was too afraid.

I don't know how I manage to get out of bed each day but I do.

How do I function out in the world as a sick person?

People are pushing me to go out daily and be normal. Tell me how the hell to do that? I walk and there is pain. 

I use my hands and there is pain. I bend and there is pain. I stand and there is pain and I sit and guess what? Incredible pain.

Have I tried seeing my GP?

The first thing I do is retell them for the hundredth time what happened to me and after talking, reliving and being back in that shattering head space..

I break down and get told there is nothing that they could for me because I am obviously exaggerating and medically I am healed.

Oh and I should lose weight. Oh and I should go back on antidepressants and painkillers and pop pills for the rest of my life.

No sodding help whatsoever, so no I haven't bothered with them for decades and I did my own research and helped my damn self.

I found out about hot/cold gel packs. I found out about healing binaural beats on Youtube. I discovered the shiatsu cushion massagers.

I was the one that discovered blogging as an outlet. I don't want to pop pills and be an addict, like them. I am my own support system.

I hate feeling stuck because these things happened way back when but it shaped me. 

I remember everything and each time it transports me back to the scared girl I was who battled each day for survival.

It was endless and I couldn't see how it would get better, The thought of dying brought me so much comfort. How was that the norm???

I stopped eating. I overdosed. I collapsed over and over. I kept hitting my head and yet I lived. 

What a colossal joke that instead of getting better, suddenly there were new injuries and now lifelong physical and emotional aches.

I wanted to wrap this post up in a positive way but I can't. Today is a bad day and tomorrow may improve but not by much.

Crazy self therapy follow up

Welcome back.

Make yourself comfortable. Shall we continue from where we left off or start afresh? 

Sighs. I am not doing so good. Honestly, I promise I am trying to stay motivated and get my blog up and running but I keep getting stuck and I don't know what to do. This burden is suffocating me.

What have you tried so far? 

Ok I followed some tutorials about FeedBurner and did everything I could to re-establish it and I seemed to be making more progress than before. Only when it came to actually delivering the email update......There was none :(

How did that make you feel? 

I feel so guilty and useless for letting everyone down, including myself. I should know how to do this. I've been blogging for years but I don't.

What are you going to do now? 

I feel like giving up but I'm not going to. I signed up with *Nourish* but I just felt out of my depth. I have just asked them to terminate my account.

I've also signed up with *Follow It* but I am stuck at the part where I have to *claim my feed and add a meta tag to my website* 

After scouring the internet for clues. I think I'm supposed to click on Layout, Theme and Edit HTML. Then find Header.php and add it there. Only I don't see it with these weak eyes of mine, so I contacted support and am waiting for clearer directions.

Do you feel better about being proactive? 

No. I don't.

Why? 

I still have questions. What am I supposed to put in the *Post feed redirect URL*

Did I make the right choice choosing *Follow It* for my needs?

Why did they advertise as saying immediate updates when you publish a new post and then have a time to send out daily emails?

Why when I did a test and subscribed myself, then selected *Headlines only* have they gone ahead and been emailing me a few posts in their entirety?

What if their customer service sucks?

What if I was too hasty and *Nourish* was a superior selection? 

Should I just have found a simple alternative to Bloglovin?

Wow! To be honest I was expecting a shorter answer. You really are overthinking this. Take a breath. Have some patience. Let them get back to you and see what they say.

What can your intrigued readers do in the meantime to stay updated on your progress?

The one constant I have is *Twitter* @SleeplessScrib1. I post updates and mini rambles on there. I shall be updating Facebook periodically. Even if it is just a pseudonym. (https://www.facebook.com/shiza.sabra.3).

Anything else?

The stress is giving me backache.

Don't you feel better now that you have released all that tension?

Would you please stop fishing for compliments. It's creepy. I'll only truly feel better when it's all fixed and I can finally say "Subscribe. I promise it's for real this time."

You know what I think? I reckon the old you would have given up by now and just taken the hit but because you keeping getting stronger with each challenge that comes your way, you persist and try your best to find a resolution.

I'm not only pleased with your efforts. I'm proud of you. You're opening up more. Reaching out and tackling obstacles. 

I know this is all a constant struggle and that at times you want to runaway and hide from it and it's healthy to take a break and a breath but keep conquering your fears one by one.

I believe in you and you can achieve your dreams and get the recognition you deserve.

Damn, alright that did it. Pass me the blooming tissues.. *sniffles*

 

 

Crazy self therapy

Hello. Welcome. Get cosy and brace yourself because this is going to be dark and deep. Help yourself to cookies, tissues and cushions.

How are you?

At the moment I feel sad.

Why?

My hormones are raging. I'm listening to sad songs and I'm reliving a lot of painful memories and realising that I never got to express how I was coping or not coping during those low points.

Why didn't you?

I think my parents themselves weren't in touch with their own emotions. I was always taught to be respectful and turn the other cheek, even though I myself was not afforded the very same curtesy. 

How did that make you feel?

Frustrated, angry, resentful and incapable of any expression.

What happened?

My emotions swirled together and merged to form darkness and depression.

And then?

I found myself withdrawing from people around me. Unable to healthily express what I felt inside. I was always angry and full of sorrow with no outlet and the few people that coaxed me into opening up..

Rejected me. They neither made the time or effort to follow up or understand my pain.

What did you do next?

I was drowning in a sea of emotions and couldn't take it anymore. The final straw was when my brother barged into my room demanding the phone. My mum had told me to hide it in my room. 

He was high on drugs and threatened me if I didn't give it to him. I'm the older sister and yet I was so damn weak. 

I'm taunted by the shame of complying to his wishes and not standing up for myself as his tone changed dangerously and his manner was increasingly psychotic. 

I gave in pretty quickly, handed the phone over, closed my door. Barricaded the bed against the door, cried all night and made the decision to end my nightmare of a life.

Did anyone realise?

No. I didn't leave any trace. I was holed up in my room. Craving an escape and to be invisible. It didn't take and I felt even more pathetic that I couldn't even do that right. Failed once again.

Go on..

In the morning my mother called and the derision in my brothers voice made me feel even lower and more afraid. I didn't want to open the door but my mum insisted she speak to me and could hear in my tone which I tried to mask that I was not ok. 

I wish she/they had kicked them both out but instead when the police raided our home, she stalled and let him flush the drugs away. Covered and protected him, when I needed protection.

Why couldn't I have been liked enough to be shielded against the verbal abuse I faced every day? Being told that I was stupid, fat and to shut up. 

If only the verbal abuse was limited to my siblings, but my parents, cousins and friends hopped on the bandwagon too.

How did the healing begin?

The turning point in my life started from a course I took about counselling. I was always the listener and never the talker so I figured this would suit me.

Although I never wanted to see a therapist myself because it would entail going at their pace, breaking me down and rebuilding me. 

The issue is if I ever broke down fully. I would never recover. I was on a precious tightrope as it was. Barely surviving each day.

At first I stayed quiet and observed everyone else. It was a small friendly group, all supportive and nurturing and it eventually gave me the courage to participate. 

I was again expecting a backlash or indifference but instead I was welcomed and supported. Even prodded to give more of myself.

How did that make you feel?

For the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe. I started to learn about the tools in self expression and how to utilize them in my life.

What was the first thing you did?

Positive affirmations became a part of my daily routine. I rolled my eyes. Refused to do it in front of a mirror. Became very sceptical but my brain started turning negativity into positive thoughts.

I started to tackle my issues one by one and forgave myself when I couldn't manage it at that time. In a short time frame it became second nature and I wasn't merely just saying it. I believed it.

I began to like and accept myself.

What was the result?

I cut out all the toxic people in my life that I could and aside from my family began standing up for myself and realising that I didn't have to resort to anger, revenge or bitterness. I could simply distance myself and walk away.

Anything else?

Part of me wishes I had the courage to confront the family members who tortured my fragile ego. 

Why didn't you?

Fear and I finally realised that nothing they could say could justify the bullying and verbal abuse I suffered through. A few of them had matured and grown.

The rest I suspected would never acknowledge their part in my brokenness. I knew that I had to heal myself and work on being vocal, trusting people and being kind to myself.

Thanks for sharing all that with me. You have grown up a lot from the frightened girl you used to be. Keep expressing yourself and forgive yourself for what you perceive as weakness. 

You battled and survived it and that is something to be proud of. The pain you face isn't going anywhere so work to understand it. If you ever need to talk, my door is always open. 

Take care.