#BlogLife614 - Where am I spending Christmas?

Song of the day - Bindley Benjamin - SOS To Santa

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr_CaSsFNLA&list=PLC743C3F57E46E499&index=49

Mama finally got back to me and said it will just be us for the holiday festivities woop!

It's such a good feeling to have an answer.

So that's it. I'm definitely off on Friday to her place which is in the UK also.

You didn't really think I was going to narrow down the precise destination did you?

Grins, that's not really me, the blogger you somewhat know and tolerate ha!

Ugh the flipping neighbours won't silence themselves.

Either it's a domestic, a loud call, kids or somebody wandering around being noisy at 2.30amish.

Mama's got the sniffles unfortunately. I told her to keep hydrated and rest up.

She didn't sound great so I'm hoping it quickly passes and she's more herself and happier.

I don't really buy or take medications any longer.

I rely on binaural beats and/or essential oils.

I don't recall ever having a flu jab. What I do is continually use the antibacterial hand sanitizers as soon as I return indoors.

Plus purchase antibacterial hand-wash and that's basically it.

The peppermint is good for cold, flu and cough symptoms.

Which is what I used to sprinkle on a tissue or on my pillow.

However the lemon one blows it out of the water.

I felt stuffy or had a lil cough or the minor sniffles and liberally doused the pillows with the lemon..

Next day I felt completely normal and cured so I wanted to get Mama some but because of Christmas they might arrive late.

I don't think she has any. She swears by ginger water or tea I'm not sure. 

I think the oils will benefit her though. 

I got lemon and then lavender to relax her and help her sleep.

I can't stand that scent but she likes it. Eucalyptus was an option also but I was drawn to the lavender.

She's not an insomniac like me. She sleeps fairly easily but sometimes can't drift off or can't get back to sleep.

Maybe these two oils will be a boost to her routine.

*Holds hand up guiltily*

The Ferreros didn't make it. They just looked too yummy and my snack rations were dwindling.

I ate both packets, not at the same time, separate occasions. 

It's something I'll consume once or twice a year only, even though it's a favourite.

Chocolate is too moreish. I tend to stick to the low calorie versions.

Typically the Fibre One range or Iceland's Skinny or Bliss or whatever they keep changing it too.

I miss the mint chocolate one, that was tasty. I haven't watched Muppet Christmas Carol that's on the Christmas binge list.

If there's humour and some heartfeltness in the film that's normally a winning combination for me.

I do particularly enjoy the writer/foodie films and Yes Chef Christmas was a good one.

#BlogLife590 - Would you be willing to spend Christmas with an abuser? / Dear Mama..

Song of the day - Faouzia - RIP Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUDq4AOlMc&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

Well Mama mia called me back finally and it was a mostly pleasant conversation, until I brought up, who is coming for Christmas??

Then I felt a bit sick because once again she defends the abuser.

I asked because he just left, would he still come down for Christmas and the answer was...

Not what I was expecting. She said that he actually might because the people he usually spends it with, are not talking to him.

Ugh! It does not surprise me. Those two are a menace to society.

She said that she realises, I wouldn't come down and my voice actually cracked when I had to say for the thousandth time, I am petrified.

I had to point out that both of them were clever and I think on the whole, they threatened and were aggressive, when my parents weren't around.

But my folks still knew something was up and did nothing.

Anyway she said, Oh he's really calm and helpful, he has been useful, for the past few years, maybe it's the medications because he's a different person.

That is always a knife in my heart, every time she defends them because it is as though, from my perspective, she wants to pretend and bury, what I went through and still go through.

Sorry NO. I'm not going to let you sweep it under the bloody carpet.

I don't know if she wants to pretend she's a perfect parent or what??!!

But I said, well blurted out that I would rather spend Christmas, alone, safe and happy.

Then I just changed the subject honestly because I didn't want to break down in tears and I feel like, with certain topics, I'm basically talking to myself.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for? Maybe for her to acknowledge, that they were harmful to my fragile being?

That no matter what they do and say, the abuse happened.

The name calling, the persecution, the confidence knocks and the freedom to express myself and have an opinion or feel secure was missing during my whole life.

At home was a dictatorship. I found in the end, I didn't even know what I wanted or what I thought anymore.

I still struggle and become frustrated and angry, trying to do the impossible and still I will not ever ask for assistance.

I will not let people see me weak and fragile and helpless.

I know what happens when they do.. Honestly the older one could be different, maybe he has had a bloody lobotomy??

But deep down I don't think those two are capable of being nice to me.

They look at me and see absolutely no armour. I can try to be brave or tough and I hear that angry tone and I'm just knocked down.

I can't even pretend to be strong and they know this, as they have spent years and years tormenting me, poking fun and looking down on me..

Cutting me off and taking my power away. I also think being forced to mingle with them/him would tell him I have forgiven and forgotten.

I will never give him that satisfaction. I honestly don't think they have any sort of a conscience in the first place but just in case they do.

I will not provide them with inner peace and for the first timers, reading this..

In the past I strove to forgive them both and let go of the bitterness and rage that had built up inside of me.

Everyone says it is better to make peace and move on. I did, again and again and again.

Yet the abuse returned, again and again and again and continues. There is just hate directed at not only me but Mama also.

I feel I have done what I could and now I continue to heal myself and try to not think about them and be productive and a decent person to myself and others.

But whenever I hear their names and the scene is changed, I revert back to my childhood and how trapped I felt and emotionless.

I was just so shut down from everything and everyone. There were so many veiled threats.

At this moment in time because I feel kinda perturbed and frustrated..

I would just relish saying.... 

Dear Mama,

You know what? I know you don't take me seriously.

I know that you dismiss what I went through and like to assume I exaggerate and am holding a grudge to be petty and to seek attention.

But everything I tell you, happened and scarred me for life.

I am honestly afraid of men.

I tried to kill myself and you didn't know because I didn't want to face another day being a member of this family.

Why would I do that? If I was coping?

You know when that first attempt didn't work? I kept on attempting it.

If, like you think, that I wanted the focus on myself only, why did I cover my tracks?

Why didn't I tell you or anyone else?

I am angry with you, that you didn't make it stop, or intervene with any heart to really put an end to it.

I'm furious that you didn't see me sinking. That I was losing it and I was close to the edge.

What hurts me the most is having to relive the anguish, how I felt back then.

I have to force myself to explain to you, why I feel the way I do and why I hate them, over and over and over again.

I don't understand why you expect me to be over a lifetime of abuse?

As though it never happened?

I lose respect for you and some affection, each time you do that.

We both know I will never be this honest with you because I wonder if you would believe me.

Or maybe you would not react at all?

Every time I tried to communicate, I was interrupted or talked over.

Every time I disagreed with them, I was bullied into their whims.

My head started off as bursting with thoughts, ideas, silliness and fun.

You know what it became? Emptiness.

I tiptoed around or stayed in my room. I berated myself to not say anything to make them angry.

They never said, I'll kill you or I will hurt you.

It was always, Really? You'll see what happens to you...

Or Huh, we'll see..

Or If you don't.......... If you dare disagree, I won't be happy.

It wasn't what they said, the words they used. It was what wasn't spoken.

The look of psychotic murder that was barely contained.

That is what I couldn't take, they would one day, strangle me, stab me, punch me, kick me, stamp on my neck etc.

I know you don't think they are capable of it. You think I am just making it up, exaggerating for effect.

Putting it on, to shock you but this was my daily fear, day in, day out.

I began to despise myself. Their behaviour made me think I repelled people.

I came to the conclusion that something inside me was so disgusting that I didn't deserve love, respect and kindness, from a single soul.

(Deep down, my fear is, that it's true and that, I want to, need to shake this feeling and scream they're mistaken but a whole part of me.. Believes the worst).

Do you know what that feels like? To take the blame for other's treatment?

To grow up thinking, from a child to an adult, that I was good for absolutely nothing in life.

That I was too brainless to figure anything out.

I'm your daughter, you're only one and yet, even you....

You didn't see me.

You don't see me.

One memory has always stayed in my mind. I think I was about 4/5years old.

It was a birthday party for the elder one and I know he didn't want me there.

As we hosted it, my parents probably said, she lives here, she's family, she will be there, whether you like or not.

This is the only bit I recall clearly. I was standing in the middle of the room and observing the other kids.

They were running around, laughing, playing and carefree. It struck me that I wasn't like that, I couldn't be like that.

I wanted to make friends and smile and talk but I didn't know how.

I wondered why the other two were popular and had friends when they were horrible human beings?

But me, who always tried to be nice, didn't have any.

During this lil contemplation, I can't remember anything else but I have a strong feeling, the next part happened.

And it was the start of my self-loathing. I think the elder approached me and probably viciously said...

Either.. 

You don't belong here or I don't want you here, or if you join in, the fun stops. Get out!

And I don't think I was teary, upset or shocked really, he has been saying nasty things to me all my life.

I think that I just nodded and let his evil words tear me apart.

As a small delicate lil girl. I thought there is something wrong with me.

It's my fault that people don't like me. I'm a stupid, pathetic nobody, who will never be capable of intelligence or friendliness.

And I didn't know how to tell someone or get help to be different, to be somebody that people wanted to be around.

I have a feeling that I walked into the kitchen and either looked at my Mama or went to my room.

And if my parents were there, they probably encouraged me to go back.

I guess I shook my head but what I wanted to say was..

What's wrong with me? And will anyone ever love me and be happy that I'm with them?

I shed tears for us both because I can't have a close bond with you, due to all of the above.

#BlogLife398 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 5 *Christmas edition*

Men are always welcome too but have absolutely no remote control privileges sorry.

I've been in the mood to watch some Christmassy romantic comedy movies so I thought I would list some of my favourites in no specific rank..

1. Undercover Christmas/Undercover Lover

I love Tyne Daly and she plays the heroes mama. It's about this dollybird (Jami Gertz), let's call her who is in love with a criminal, who doesn't treat her well but pays her expenses so she's tolerates it.

Then an uptight lawyer (Shawn Christian) with a stick up his butt, coerces her to turn against him and they end up spending Christmas together.. Awkwardly but hilariously, with his whole snobbish family.

2. Flight Before Christmas

I'm trying not to give too many spoilers away. A man (Ryan McPartlin) is travelling home to see his long-distance girlfriend and a woman (Mayim Bialik) is also travelling home to see her family.

The two of them bicker and banter and end up spending the holidays together in less than ideal circumstances which make them reflect on their other relationships..

3. Christmas Caper

A bit different this one. A jaded thief (Shannen Doherty) gets into hot water and hides out with her estranged family and then bumps into her childhood sweetheart who is also...... A cop.

4. Holiday in Handcuffs

A struggling waitress/artist (Melissa Joan Hart) is due to travel home with her boyfriend to spend the holidays with her family who have high expectations of her.

She resorts to unexpected measures when her plans go awry and must resort to kidnapping to keep up appearances...

5. A Very Merry Mix Up

A woman (Alicia Witt) is travelling home to meet her boyfriends parents and bumps into his brother, who enjoys spending time with her, a lil tooooo much but are the feelings reciprocated??? Hmm...

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I feel like it's more enjoyable when the heroine isn't simpering and agreeing to everything like a stepford wifey.

Instead when she has confidence and conviction, even if they always make her this cold, hard nosed person, it's still more entertaining.

I could watch the above a hundred times and not get bored of them. It's just great when they inject some humour into these movies.

I might add to the list, as there are so many that I like and five doesn't seem that much at all.

Ooh I just got the first of my goodies at 10.55am. I always like to note down the times to gaige for next time.

It's my Murine eye drops. These are the Refresh and Clean types and I've tried the brand before but not sure which version.

I'm trying to find some drops that I really loved that I didn't note down.

It's not Blink, it's not Supereyes, I'll have to keep trying them out.

I think I've broken the spell, I haven't thrown up today but my stomach is still wobbly.

I'm trying to sip a lot and listen to subliminals that work for me. Plus eat some food that I hope will stay down.

On Monday I think it was I started my period and it was super light and by Tuesdays it had finished.

I'm still getting the nausea and slight cramps and definite bloating though.

The advice was, the more puffy you feel, the more you should drink, but sometimes I find that brings on the nausea too.

It's weird, I'm just trying to be productive and keep things moving along so I'm not overwhelmed.

Plus napping is immensely therapeutic. My body and brain get to rest and not get over-strained for a bit.

Oh my skirt and top is out for delivery so that is not due until the afternoon or evening.

As per usual the tracking is stuck but it's due with Yodel and I think they usually make it on the day, they say they will.

If there is still natural light, I'll try to take some images, otherwise it's just too dark and I can't see that well so it's blurry.

#BlogLife397 - Challenges of upcoming December

I have been using Yahoo mail forever now. I like the layout and it's easy. I only signed up to Protonmail for the randoms, penpals and for this blog.

They were vague when they said they were changing and I didn't know whether I had to re-sign up and pick a new email.

I didn't do anything and then they emailed me to say, I didn't need to alter my details, just to sign in at the new location and I bookmarked it and that was it. Phew.

I did a lil side project and was just paid £10 Amazon for it so that was handy. 

I know what I'll get mama for Christmas as even over the phone she sounded excited about it, even though she downplayed it.

As well as cash, which was requested, I'll get her a Just Eat (food delivery service) voucher for when she can't be bothered to cook. 

Her latest craving is Sri Lankan food so although I feel like she's been curbing her expenses, I think she'll appreciate it.

She said she's planning to go to Canada for January and I know she's missed travelling so that will be great for her. She's going to spend time with her mama for two weeks and chill for a while.

I'm trying not to think about the Christmas get-together as I don't know who else will be there and it's stressful enough at the moment.

Aw I'm going to miss my blankie, so nice curling underneath it and dozing in the afternoons. It's a bit too heavy to pack.

I don't really nap while I'm there but now I guess I'll have my own room, so it'll be more convenient, especially when my insomnia tends to be overstretched.

Lack of sleep leads to crankiness and lack of creativity. I may go on another hiatus, I haven't decided..

Oh and I was thinking I should challenge myself to compose another Christmas short story before the year is out...

I have no idea what to base it on. Eeek. Plus if I do travel home. I have got to find a way to ignore the verbal abuse.

The constant critiques and put downs. That drives me nuts and leads me to be depressed.

I'm not sure how to do that either. I'll have to make a plan eventually. As it's getting mentally destructive, even more so now.

On a plus note, I've just done a whole new shopping haul. Yes, I know I said I was stopping but it turns out I needed a few extra things.

Four tops, one skirt, one/two trousers the offer wasn't clear but at least those will be shorter. 

I was able to pick the length and I always go for 29 inches for the inside leg, so it's a lil longer than necessary but not swimming on me.

A glue stick as I hate licking envelopes, yuckity, ick plus Murine eye drops as the other one is finishing and my eyes feel so dry.

Some of the tops look so Christmassy so that's exciting. Oh and I bought a new ultra soft purple cotton hand towel.

The only thing left is some hair clips. I can't decide which ones to get, so I'll leave that for now.

I'm kinda hustling because at the end of the month is a new postal strike. Eeek.

#BlogLife396 - Magical disappearances

Sometimes I feel like magical creatures live in my room but they only like odd non pairings. Just one of each item.

Like my lens which seemingly go in the case and then disappear into Narnia land.

Or 1 sock out of a set that cannot be located at all, even though they were washed together.

I can't find a single matching set, wait just found one actually. But I might just throw away all the odd ones as they are different sizes and textures and get some new ones in the market.

I forgot to mention that me and mama sorta touched on Christmas she enquired whether I was coming on Christmas Eve and I said..

It depends who else will be there? She said the younger one isn't staying just popping in, which is not ideal but somewhat tolerable.

But that the older might just randomly pop down which the two of them together is a big NO NO!!

I love how vague she is, so I just said if he's there, I won't be. She quickly said Oh don't worry, he won't be staying here, which is not the bloody point!

I want nothing whatsoever to do with any of them but during the holidays, it's tricky.

We will revisit this conversation because if there's a chance of him being there... I shall not be attending.

She doesn't get it at all. Imagine surrounding yourself with people that can pick a fight and turn aggressive within seconds and the mood is directed at you....

No thank you. I would happily celebrate the holidays by myself, than deal with my childhood traumas again!!

Why should I be scared for Christmas??

This year has already been stressful and now the idiot (Mr X,Y. Z is requesting another appointment tomorrow morning.

I bet he isn't even cured and back in the office. If I have time, will ring tomorrow, if not, he can wait again.

I keep falling asleep under the blankie and it's only 9pmish too early so I decided to put foam rollers in my hair for tomorrow.

I'm not going to re-wash my hair or sleep in them but maybe they will retain the wave at least as there's going to be no time at all to mess with it.

TIme just goes so fast when I'm getting ready.. I never know where to place them so that it's an immediate style.

It just looks raggedy and weird, bits curl, others stay straight, half one side has volume, the other is flat.

I might re-spritz with the leave in conditioner, it might make my hair oily though...

I need to fill in my left eyebrow but I never remember to do it. It's just the front bit was over plucked and grew back thinly.

I'm not concerned about looking perfect, I just want to look decent or half polished.

I got to get some clothes, that actually fit me.

It's been a crazy day. I woke up to find something fused to the back of my leg and..... It was my lost right contact lens. 

I am thrilled!!! I thought that was lost for good but I'm happy I'll have a complete spare set to use in case I loose the new ones.

I unfortunately did end up throwing up again, my stomach even now, will not settle down.

Lunch is delayed and so is the nap. I've been sipping vimto and that helps and listening to binaural beats works for me too.

I have cramps which hopefully will pass soon. I'm happy that the Dictator (Mr X,Y,Z) called early and I updated him about a few things and he said so you'll be doing them now then??

I scoffed and explained well I just got in from getting soaked in the rain. I haven't eaten or rested yet but later sure...

He said....Oh okay that's fine then. Thank you, your bloody highness for granting me leniency for existing as a sick person.

Shish if I don't look after myself, noone will. I'm not doing anymore stairs, I've already decided, I'll suffer downstairs and wait for his highness to see me.

Oh and because of the rain, hardly any stalls were there so I couldn't get anything. I just ended up on Ebay instead.

I didn't really feel like shopping, the windy was chilly and I dressed in layers but still felt the cold.

#BookLife3 - How Mrs Claus got on the naughty list (fiction)

Chapter 1

Hi I'm Clara Claus. Who am I? The long suffering wife of the "beloved" Santa.

Hmpfff if people knew him like I did, they wouldn't be impressed at all.  

Jolly? Hah! Give me a break. Barking orders to me and the rest of the staff.

If it wasn't for me, the elves and reindeer would have left eons ago. 

I keep this grotto running smoothly. I maintain the good working relationships so nobody is taken for granted and what does Mr Red Suit do?

Delegate, delegate and shirk his responsibilities onto me. I do the naughty list, I open the letters. I do it all.

All jolly pants does is do the deliveries. Well I am fed up of it. I want recognition too.

He has lost his magic. I think he wants to retire but at the same time, can't live outside the spotlight.

Just between you and me, my eyes have been wandering. I mean hey..

I put up with a lot, spending the holidays alone is no picnic. He's not as affectionate as he used to be.

His eyes would sparkle with energy and mischief, now they are just cold and lifeless.

Well I am still young at heart and I want romance and adventure.

Chapter 2

The Grinch and Scrooge have been secretly wining and dining me and I am loving it.

Casey is oblivious. He is hardly here to be honest. The elves have noticed me humming around the workshop.

They assume me and Casey have patched things up. I am definitely not correcting them.

It's only the 9th December but I have already decided before the year is out I will leave him.

I just haven't decided who to pick yet. I mean me and Casey met straight out of Holiday College and he was my first and only boyfriend.

I was so young back then. Well he may have given up on life but not me.

Gerardo Grinch and Stefano Scrooge I met at our annual Christmas party.

As usual Casey was boasting about breaking records, shaving time off his annual sky trip and scoffing chocolate yule logs.

What a bore. He didn't even comment on my new red sparkly dress or my short chic wavy hairdo.

But they did.......

I met Gerardo first. He hates parties but our eyes locked, he kissed my hand.

Nobody has done that for years and we danced and talked, he asked about me, not Santa.

Nobody ever does that anymore. It was perfect. I had butterflies.

He left and then Stefano approached me and said he couldn't keep away any longer.

I giggled. I mean, when was the last time I did that? Huh? He was charming.

Casey hadn't noticed a thing, he was surrounded laughing away, keeping up appearances or maybe he enjoyed this tediousness.

Who knows? Who cares? Not I anymore. I was going to run away from it all.

Chapter 3

Me and Stefano snuck away and just carried on talking. The way he looked at me brought me back to life.

I felt young again and as he kissed my hand and looked at me with genuine affection, I found myself nodding that I would see him again.

I felt horribly guilty, at first. I had always been faithful and never once tempted to stray.

I don't know when I fell out of love with Casey but our marriage was dead.

I just didn't know who to choose. Nothing scandalous occurred. I am still a respectable married woman.

But there were kisses on the cheek, hugs and hand holding. An emotional set of affairs I guess?

Gerardo Grinch was generous but hated socialising. He preferred to stay indoors and just stay low key and for a while it was fine but I wanted more.

Whereas Stefano Scrooge was penny pinching but he loved to wile away the hours dancing, bowling or even ice skating.

(As long as he had a voucher or there was a prominent discount available). 

What am I going to do? Who do I pick? If Casey was the man I married, I would happily stay forever but sadly the man I once knew is gone.

Chapter 4

I walked outside, the snow was falling and it was picturesque. I would miss it when I skipped off to Hawaii.

I just wanted a change. I breathed in the cold biting air. I didn't know how I was going to say goodbye.

I carved out a snowman and then smashed it to pieces because it reminded me too much of Casey.

Ugh my phone was beeping away with calls and messages. Casey wanted me to do the schmoozing thing with him.

Hah, as if we had a perfect marriage. Why was keeping up appearances so important?

Maybe if he worked on this partnership, we would be really happy, instead of faking it.

Now that I had made the difficult decision to leave him, I felt as phony as he was.

What was I sticking around for? To help out the staff? To assist him, one last time?

I sighed with restlessness and reluctantly went inside. I stood at the doorway and peeked around.

Everybody was still in good spirits and then Casey marched up to me and put my red glimmering shawl around my shoulders.

"Where have you been? I was worried about you?" I rolled my eyes at the insensitive question.

"Yea right. You seemed real concerned as you were yacking it up and being the perfect host."

"Let's not do this here, we have guests and I have a frantic night ahead of me."

"It's allllll about you, isn't it Casey? Well I have reached my limit and when you return I won't be here."

"I'm leaving you tonight." Casey swiftly took my elbow and frogmarched me out to the corridor to talk discreetly.

Chapter 5

"What are you talking about Clara? I know I have been neglecting you all night but I was just doing my hostly duties."

"I think you are being overly sensitive. I prom-" I wrenched my elbow out of Casey's strong grip.

"Don't you dare put this on me. I have been patient and caring and waited for you to see how much I do for you."

"Do you ever stop and say thanks or have a kind word? No! You just expect it to be done, so you can hang out with your reindeer and elf friends."

"Well I am sick of spending the holidays alone and I am leaving you for either Scroogey or Grinchy."

"I haven't decided!"

"Are you out of your mind woman?? I hire those clowns to spend time with you to find out what you wanted for Christmas."

"I will kill them both!!"

I slumped against the wall as my eyes began to water. "I feel so humiliated."

Casey tried to pull me into a tight embrace but I pushed him away.

He outmaneuvered me and held me tightly as I sobbed on his chest.

You would think it would be his thick beard but just between you and me, Casey preferred to be clean shaven and wore a fake beard.

Chapter 6

We stood silently for a bit until someone coughed. Sheepishly standing there looking guilty was Stefano and Gerardo.

I narrowed my eyes angrily and slapped them both wordlessly. Casey clenched his fist but I grabbed his hand to stop him.

"If I ever see either of you near me or my wifey again. I'll tear your eyes out and then I'll make you really sorry."

Gerardo and Stefano gulped, nodded and scurried off gasping and mumbling it was the other's fault.

Casey kissed me softly on the lips as I looked up at him confused. My eyes were red from crying and my makeup had run.

"You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I still remember our first meeting."

"You were hurrying somewhere and dropped a book. I picked it up and would only return it to you, if you agreed to a date with me."

"I would have done or said anything to keep you talking, even if it was just for a few seconds longer."

"As soon as I saw those soft chestnut eyes, I was a goner." Casey's declaration had my eyes swimming with fresh tears.

"I know I've been a bad hubby but that is because of the surprise."

"I've fully trained my replacement Nick, what a weird name but he is ready to take over and I am prepared to woo and win over the love of my life again, if she will have me?"

"Aren't you mad at me for the emotional affair? Nothing happened. There were hugs, pecks on my cheek but I never initiated anything but still...."

"I guess I was just tired of being alone in this marriage and I wanted someone to notice me and care what I wanted or needed."

Casey nodded sadly. "I was livid and jealous but I realised you are right. I took you for granted and just stopped seeing you as my best friend."

"I was going to wait until Christmas Eve but I have booked us tickets to Hawaii and although I would have liked to have flown reindeer style, one last time.."

"We can go by plane." I held onto Casey tightly. He was finally back, the man I remembered so long ago.

"My first and last love. Merry Christmas Casey." Casey smiled and said "Merry Christmas wifey."

Casey waved his magic finger and with that, my name was off the naughty list and back on the nice list, where it belonged.

As we were standing under the mistletoe we kissed passionately, held hands and walked off into a new festive adventure.

The End.

#BlogLife177 - When will it start to feel like Christmas?

I'm sorry today's post is late. I feel a bit all over the place. I'm just exhausted each night I keep hoping to get a long rest but it rarely happens.

There are signs all around that it will soon be Christmas but it doesn't feel like it yet.

The days and nights are getting colder, there is less sunshine, the Christmas adverts are in abundance.

I don't watch commercials any longer. I miss the days when they were actually entertaining and amusing so that I didn't mind my favourite show being interrupted, now they are a cheesy snooze fest.

I have some favourite advents I look forward to each year, perfumes, beauty, gift vouchers and techy items.

I'm playing the Christmas tunes but maybe it's because I feel like scrooge this year.

My budget is smaller and there are a lot of ongoing expenses so I have to be careful about my spending whereas normally I just splurge more generously.

There have also been some really fun advent games like a darts one, where the snowball was hurled to make a bullseye and you had unlimited turns.

Playing santa you had to drop off presents accurately down the chimney as you flew ahead, that was fun.

I don't really like the ones where you have to catch things falling as the keyboard/mouse tends to stick and I lose prematurely.

Do you have a favourite festive drink? For us it's usually shloer red grape as none of us really drink.

My mama is sometimes partial to cider but that's about it. Previously it was baileys but now sparkling grape juice hits the spot better.

Ooh let me just end on a confession........

Alright regarding the fleecy blanket that I thought was a cloak. As you probably guessed, the two sleeves are not ties, they are legitimately real sleeves.

I do not pay attention to anything when I'm busy. It was a productive morning and I had so much to do, they just looked too tiny to be sleeves ha.

But now I realise I can use it both ways, the cloak way for when I don't want it dragging on the floor and the sleeve way for when I feel that chill and need extra warmth.

I actually did think there was a hood at the back because there was this extra material but nope........ It's still cute though.

I am just such a shortie and it's quite long and I love that the sleeves cover the whole of the wrist.

There's nothing worse than sleeves that stop short and let the cold air in and look weird. Brrr

Dim and grim, phone death?

I woke up to a frightening sight. My brand new Samsung baby was alarmingly dead. I thought this was unusual because it normally has about 50% battery remaining. 

I thought maybe I had set the dimmer too aggressively to avoid eye strain but the screen wouldn't turn on at all. 

I plugged it into the fast charger cable and it showed 40% so I took it off and the screen wouldn't wake at all.

I was trying to peer and tap randomly to disable the screen dimmer but i couldn't see anything at all. 

I looked up how to force a reboot and I had to press down the power and volume down key simultaneously. 

Finally my phone turned on and then within a few seconds blacked out. I didn't see the screen dimmer notification that it was even on.

I turned the brightness as high as I could but it quickly disabled itself, fading and then turned off. I pressed random buttons and even called myself but nothing worked.

The phone was definitely on but the display was off. I know this because when I called myself it rang and didn't say the phone was off.

I started googling for answers and read things about damaged screens but mine was in perfect health. I saw a few Youtube videos and the last one helped.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMwX48inS7o

The display was normal in safe mode but in regular I only had a couple of seconds to try different things to fix it. 

When I went through the steps in the video it seemed to give me extra time and then the dimmer application came up and was 95% eek.

Turned it off and wowser, all better again. I hope you're all managing to find some way to enjoy the holidays. My insomnia is back so sleeping is a challenge.

My tip to avoid this nightmare in the future is download a dimmer application which will let you automatically turn itself off at sometime in the morning.

Even if you make the same mistake and set it too low, at least by the morning it will turn itself off and you will have your display present :)

That's what I have done now and can breathe easy.

Presents wise. I got giftcards, credit, body butter, perfume, contact lens stuff and makeup brushes. I knew mum would love the perfumed lotion and wash.

They smell amazing.

Home for Christmas?

I'm so tired. I've been having horrendous pmt. I haven't been sleeping properly wondering whether to go to mums or stay home.

I don't know how many Christmases I have left with her and I couldn't bring myself to disappoint her and leave her alone as the other two seem stranded. 

I tossed and turned last night pleading for sleep but I hardly got any. Maybe an hour or two if I was lucky. 

I set the alarm and just got ready, packed and as usual left my Perfectil vitamins at home. There's always something I forget. 

I had a friendly cab driver who actually helped with the bags. Normally they sit there and pretend not to notice me struggling with three heavy bags. 

I'm just laying down typing while mum's out buying fresh bread. I don't think I can sleep but every part of me aches with exhaustion. 

I'm so glad my nightie from Amazon came prematurely. They predicted the end of the year. I got to try and locate it from the presents I got from mum.

I just have no energy. I'm lucky that yesterday I got my first real advent competition win.  A £10 Currys/PC World voucher.

I'll probably put it towards headphones. I hardly ever get lucky on the instant wins but sometimes fortune smiles at me. 

I'm stuffed having consumed a portion of mama's world famous (to me anyway) lasagne. She's been cooking it since I was preteen.

I never liked spicy food but Italian food, I fell in love with. I really can't keep my eyes open. One of the random's keeps bugging me.

As it's a new phone all the numbers are unblocked. I don't even know which one it is, who is suddenly bored and thinks I'll entertain him.. 

He texted saying hi. Nothing else, then called while I was in the cab. I just rejected it. I'm guessing it's Mr Clingy. 

What happened to the days when men had deep voices? The recent bunch all sound effeminate. Ugh, unappealing. 

I want a relaxing voice I can fall asleep with. Something soothing I can fractionally open up too and then dismiss when he's served his purpose and I need peace and space.

That's not harsh right? I'm just not a people person. I need solitude to breathe. The only thing that hasn't arrived is mum's Turkish delight.

I reckon the Lindor hazelnut truffles we'll open tonight and I have just tried them, absolutely lovely. I also tried on the nightie and it fits sublimely.

I bought it extra large and although it isn't as thick as I thought it would be. It's definitely a smart improvement on the others I would have chosen.

I just used my face brush for the first time in ages. I gave myself a mini facial with my mud mask and mum bought me a new face wash.

Pears I think it's called. Gorgeous fragrance and it was a pound. My skin is so smooth and soft now. I'm sure the lil blemishes I have will soon fade.

The only thing I miss is my cordless shiatsu massager for my aching muscles. I just could not bring a fourth bag though, that would be overkill.

Wish me luck that I'll finally sleep properly tonight...

December ramble

It's been a really strange couple of months with the laptop, phone, wifi, Youtube and Blogger all crashing. It was such a fright, trying to load Blogger and Google saying there was an error.

Wifi wouldn't load, Youtube didn't either but I still thought my blog had been deleted. It was only after I tweeted, I noticed others were having the same issues but then a second later, everything was working again.

I do love entering the Advent competitions and some have these festive games or slogans which are cute. I never win those bar once but it's still a lot of fun.

My enjoyment in the Advents waned because of all the fake winning notifications. I have received about four now and at first I was excited and then I realised it was a scam to get my details :(

However I did have a huge win but it wasn't on the Advent. When I say big. I don't mean over a £100 worth. I mean just under but for me that is massive.

As I've been stressed out with chronic pain, setting up the blog, trying to finish the book and trying to do anything without a laptop/phone and no internet.

I want to get the book done so I can relax. I'm working on the 34th chapter but I have zero enthusiasm and inspiration. At this point I am racing to get through it and will probably have serious editing in the New Year.

I just found out the beauty salon I usually visit is actually open for the moment so me and mum are going to do our pedicures and I'll get my brows done after all, either this week or next.

The beautiful cardigan type top I ordered from Amazon has been declared lost. I think customs kidnapped it as the tracking never updated once and I bought it on the 9th November so I got a refund.

The nightie I ordered from Freemans on the 6th December is finally due to arrive either tomorrow or Wednesday, communication and tracking has been lapse so I had to chase them up.

All the Christmas shopping is done but I could do with a few more bits and pieces but I'm not ordering anything else as it is too slow and I am hoping I'll be away so I can take a break from all writing.

Mum did let let slip that she adores turkish delight, so I may purchase some of those and homemade fudge for an extra treat.

I've been craving chocolate myself. I don't know if it's hormones or because I have rarely been snacking. I don't know if I've lost any inches, doesn't feel like it.

My followers are fluctuating wildly but I have gotten to the point where I no longer care about followers or interaction. 

I'm just going to do what works for me and what I enjoy which is my Ramo commentaries because I love the show and it makes me laugh.

The Hercai ones I stopped because when I started trashing Reyyan, people stopped reading and it was too much effort for very little reward.

I still comment on Twitter but I'm way more interested in the Harun/Yaren pairing. I wish that they had showed more of their relationship developing.

At what point did Yaren realise she cared for Harun as more than just a meal ticket? When did Harun realise that the woman he was stuck with wasn't the devil but someone he could get to like because there was more to her than meets the eye??

Christmas defrazzlement

This week has been decidedly rocky. The nausea is coming and going but for the most part it is over with however my physical endurance was pushed to the limit and I felt very dizzy and unsteady on my feet. 

Before I never used to feel lightheaded or shaky but now it comes on unexpectedly. I would usually choose the lift option but that was unavailable. 

I'm surprised I made it down the stairs I was shaking so badly and welling up because it was all too much. I have tried to put it behind me but it keeps haunting me.

I was basically told that because I look normal he made a judgement call that I didn't need any special treatment/assistance and so point blank refused to aid me but this week saw me crippled in pain. 

His uncooperative self had to profusely apologise over and over because I was literally shuffling forward half a centimetre at a time and holding onto the walls to steady myself.

Too little too late. I am not in the habit of lying or exaggerating my health conditions so when I request help or allowances be made for me that is not a whim. 

That is because inwardly I am screaming in pain and about to collapse from the strain of staying upright.

I'm so glad this year was nothing like last Christmas, putting my foot down and requesting that I know whether or not I will be away for the holidays was the sane thing to do. 

I left on the 23rd and was pricing cabs around and then looking around for my phone that I had in my hand a second ago when the cab pulled up. 

It had all my playlists and daft games on it and I would have been lost without it. It was only when I arrived safely at mums that I found it at the bottom of my overstuffed bag. 

Such a relief.

It only took me stepping into her home to feel the burdens lifted and the stress dissipating immediately. From then on I just switched off and let all my issues fade away. 

I had planned to do some writing and blogging but I just didn't have it in me. December had been such a rough month that all I wanted to do was catch up and have some fun and that's exactly what I did.

Presents wise I got some headphones, hair accessories, giftcards, speciality cake and creams. The gifts I bought went down well, mum loves her chic red microwave slippers. 

It went by too quickly but it was a wonderful festive time for me.