#BlogLife124 - Confident? Yes I am/No I am not!

 Morning all :)

Words have just been circulating in my head for new posts but none of it made sense until just now. How can someone be both confident and insecure?

*Shrugs* Do you know? Are you that person? I know I am. There are just instances where I am totally out of my depth and just faking that I know what I am talking about.

Pseudo confidence or just winging it? Either is acceptable because I am trying to test out my knowledge and see if I can be comfortable in that area.

When it comes to people, talking to them, being around them, I am split. On one hand, with the volunteering I nail it most of the time.

I don't even have any experiences with what they are talking about but I know what to suggest. I know instinctively what to say, I feel it and I can just help them.

It still baffles me because I shouldn't know about any of it, not having first hand knowledge but somehow each chat I take it just bubbles in my brain and before I can fully grasp it, I am typing out some interesting options.

On the other hand in my personal life. I try to have these connections and I just fail miserably. Then it just becomes ever more difficult to pursue them.

It starts off okay and then I test the waters with some spanners and it falls apart. I'm not sure if it is me or them at this point.

Possibly both of us? What I do know is that I like myself and as sad as the outcome invariably is, in these situations with the tests. I'm glad I run them to see who is my type of acquaintance and who is not.

The tests never lie and they have proven to be very fruitful. I feel so much safer knowing I have a plan in place to ensure my safety and that I can stop myself from spilling too much into the wrong source.

Things I like about me :-

My face, especially brows/lips/nose

My legs

My chest

My humour

My brains

My creativity

My writing/fiction/blogging/storytelling

My hands

My voice

My giggle

My imagination

My confidence

My arrogance

My fight

My resourcefulness

My flexibility in adapting

Things I do not like about me :-

My inner critic

My belly

My thighs

My eyes/eyesight

My arms

My clumsiness

My negativity

My impatience

My temper

Excess hair growth

My doubts

My confusion that I still don't know myself

The whole purpose of this is that I am not scared to point out my plus and minus qualities. I am not trying to love every lil thing but neither am I determined to stay disliking certain areas.

I just want to celebrate what I value in me and form a lil less distaste when I think about what I don't see as positive.

#BlogLife50 - The cringe factor

Ugh I heard myself doing it again tonight. How do I stop it? I was asked to keep in touch, if I was happy to do so but I assumed it was an obligation.

I do not want to be that for someone. How do you know if it is genuine or if it is just someone being polite? I actually accepted the offer because frankly the interactions are light hearted and make me laugh.

I don't often find someone approachable and though this is, as usual, not romantic/flirty etc or any of that nonsense. It is enjoyable and a way that makes my day bearable.

Especially after hearing some of these conversations. That I cannot discuss with anyone. I rambled another cringy reply to him. 

I was seriously going to paste what I said but I can't lol. It is so soooo bad. He just sent me a reply and it just went from lighthearted to deep. Eek :D

I made a lame joke and he thought I was questioning his motives? Actually I was just being my usual goofball self :D I clarified that just now and something else.

It's weird that someone I thought that was neutral appeared to be in flirt mode-ish. I let my guard down unnaturally and then I realised the truth and it went back up.

I have been avoiding him ever since. He failed the test and answer. I have these factors I look out for to see if someone is caring/honest/reliable.

I am sick of investing in the wrong people. The new person seems genuine but I remain on high alert for any changes. I let something slip today.

Time will tell if it was a mistake. I disclosed that I never feel heard and that I can manage to be there for others easily but no longer expect the same in return.

Also I said that I made the assumption I was being an imposition because I am not used to being supported and so it obviously must be an inconvenience.

He said he was joking but there are kernels of truth imbedded inside the response. However he addressed everything I said. Which I guess was the test I was looking for!

I just got my answer. He said he just enjoys listening to people so I will just take that and accept it.

He is the opposite to me. I am caring on a clock, once the time is up.. I'm sorry I don't give a damn. I have my own stuff to contend with.

I kinda wanted to ask him, if he ever feels like saying....

"Why are you asking/whining to me? I got better priorities. Leave me alone. Shish. I can't even enjoy a cupcake in piece!" :D

I'm not a joiner, I'm a lurker!

The realisation of that just came to me. I think that is why I am struggling to promote myself and reach a wider audience. 

I have just seen some Twitter blogging communities but I dare not press the Follow button because you have to link to your blog and I just can't seem to do it.

I just want to have a simple chat and say, so this blogging lark, it's not as great as it is cracked up to be at times, is it? It can be very lonely and kill your confidence. 

I don't feel comfortable being thrust into the limelight. I feel like I would rather just separate someone from the main group and pick their brain instead of jumping in and being out of my depth. I have just been baby-stepping it this whole time.

I still appear to be playing it safe. I haven't seen anything UK specific or something that is particularly targeted to personal bloggers though.

If I go ahead and join up. My tiny little vulnerable blog would be put under a microscope and I'm not sure I'll be able to cope with that. Maybe I'm just feeling especially sensitive today?

For now I will just continue browsing from the sidelines but I am going to find some blogs to either follow or at least engage with.