#LetterLife1 - Dear Monsieur Wrong

Dear Monsieur Wrong,

I know Monsieur Right doesn't exist, so maybe you do? I wanted to write some fiction today.

But I think I need to talk or vent or ask questions or get answers from someone other than myself.

I did open up all the unfinished stories on the blog, one by one and thought, which one should I work on?

I don't really have ideas. Should I just compose nonsense and hope it works out?

I've got asmr playing in the background. I've got 2 films open. I'm scattered. I can't focus at all.

There's a new story playing in my head but all seems similar to the others.

I want to let go, jump on a story and finish it but knowing that I'm not just going through the motions, that I care about it and am inspired and have confidence that it will turn out well.

I feel none of that. I'm stuck, I want romance, I want to write romance, I just don't feel particularly romantic and don't want to talk or mingle at all.

So help me out. What's your recommendations? How do I fix me?

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

I exist solely for you. To be in your company and to help and guide and support you, whenever you need it,

Why do you need to do anything right now? You have enough pressure in your life.

But I sense that is where your passions lie and I am all about the passions.

Just reach for my hand, let me pull you close and I will work with you to solve this small problem.

For you see, with me around, everything will be seen with fresh eyes, fresh smiles, fresh convictions and a fresh suitor, oui oui?

That's it Cherie, smile for me, gush for me, fall for me, let your troubles melt away.

I want you to think about your last story, how did you feel when it was completed, my sweet capable Cherie?

Dearest Monsieur, 

I felt relieved actually. It was the story I challenged myself to write and publish in a day and I didn't think I could do it.

I was blank for ages until certain pieces floated into my brain and it pieced together and started to flow.

And suddenly, it was just bubbling and I was getting emotional writing it.

I was pleased with how it turned out. I accomplished that goal for the milestone blog.

But now this emptiness is back and I feel alone and although, that's my preferred spot..

I want someone but I don't want them. I want to be alone and comforted at the same time.

I want to be looked after but not intruded upon. That's it really.

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

Look at me Cherie, I know what you want and need and what is best.

And simply speaking it is me. I am everything you crave and everything you didn't.

I am perfect but also littered with flaws. You can make me into anything you want.

But I do not change for anyone, not even you my precious. 

I am a tireless listener though, but I am all about the action, so we must always be actively joined together, being productive.

But sometimes I can't be bothered with the writey writey talky talky, so in those times, we do the kissy kissy ;)

Dearest Monsieur, 

It is getting late but you have made me laugh a lot tonight and I appreciate the cheesiness of the conversation.

I think for now, you did provide what I needed and that was some lightheartedness.

It's a good start. I feel less stressed and a lot silly.

Thank you and Goodnight Monsieur.

Dearest Mademoiselle,

I will do anything for you at any time, day or night. Ma chambre is always open.

Sleep well Cherie but not too deeply in case I need a hug tonight.

I will remind you that you have it in you to create magic on a page, the next time you feel lost and alone.

Dream of me, your handsome caregiver

X

#BlogLife755 - Shady pakora drug deal

I'm just waiting for Mama and her bestie to finish up their dual beauty treatments. They were running late as the trains weren't running.

I didn't really sleep at all or maybe for a few measly hours but I doubt it was that much so by the time they got here, my whole body was seizing up.

Oh I didn't get the pakoras, he was acting so shady when I enquired about it.

I just said Oh, no pakoras? And he was like Ummm and acting shiftily

As though it was illegal or he couldn't talk about it, in the open.

It's just food, you twit! Just say I'm making more for later.

It's like they don't want my business. I wish women were running it, they would be friendly and open.

Sitting in this hard chair my backs stiffening up.

I can't wait to get back home and rest. I do feel peckish though.

Oh and my pedicure was ace. He gave me about three massages.

Soap or cream, scrub and an oil one to finish and it was both feet and leg.

I'm not a foot person at all but there is something relaxing about a professional taking care of you, especially when you're fed up and delicate.

And what made me laugh, as they know us as regulars, he just put my socks on ha.

I struggle with bending so I hate that part of it because it's straining my body and it's starting to build, so that was really sweet.

Brunch was extra good. Mama did her halloumi toastie and we got served quickly as the place was emptyish.

I saw they had turkey rashers, which was new, so I got that and chicken mayonnaise, I was meant to get egg and forgot.

But that's the first time, I've had it delivered, smothered with rashers, usually it's just 2. It was probably five on each side.

Thoroughly delicious :)

So offered Mama and I think that was the first time she tried it and she loves it also.

We just can't seem to buy it in the supermarkets, it's never in stock sadly, only in restaurants.

That wasn't bad, about £16.50 for two sandwiches, coffee and my appletiser drink.

I gave Mama £15 and she came back and said she only had to pay a pound or £1.50 I can't recall and she asked me if I wanted change haha.

Oh forgot to add this bit. I don't have a huge appetite first thing usually so I thought I would get through half the sandwich but it was so packed, once I finished a quarter I was bursting.

I pushed it aside and would get a doggy bag to have it later. Mama and me were talking and the chef or the owner, gave me a double take.

And I thought weird, I didn't call him over, so he walked over to the table and was looking at the half eaten sandwich and Mama said, Oh he thinks you didn't like it.

I said Ohh, and I was just giggling, saying No No No, it was super tasty, I'm just full and will get it to go.

That appeased him. Ha. I thought I was going to get banned lmao.

He wasn't angry just had this crazy expression, like a teacher looking at a student.....

(I half expected him to run to the kitchen and back again wielding a butcher's cleaver).

Care to explain this?? It was the fact that he wasn't saying anything, that made it peculiar.

I've never experienced that before. It did tickle us though.

Now to the fun bit. There were no nearby benches so we went to the bus stop and I pulled out 1 set of double sided wax strip but I didn't warm it up between my fingers.

Bless, she was nervous, she didn't want to rip it off so I did it and the first one did nothing at all.

The wax congealed on one strip, so the other was useless. I found it so funny, that all during this, a woman was watching, she sat down right next to us, when there were seats free all over.

Then when we started ripping it off, she moved away, like, who are these weirdos??? Bahaha.

You knew what we were doing and you still sat down, ha!

Anyway, with the other strip, I warmed it up, closed my eyes, removed my glasses and she pressed it down thoroughly, aww.

And removed it and this time, there were some hairs on the paper.

I'm still not recommending Parissa wax strips though, it's too weak in my opinion.

Plus having to use multiple strips at a time, they won't last long at this rate and they aren't effective at catching all the hairs, just barely a quarter.

If I go over it, that's gonna kill my eyes, they'll go red and bruised.

So I have to pluck, although how? I can't see what I'm doing?? They are just super messy at present.

I'll either wait a week and try again or just leave it and hope my contact lens are ordered and arrive before next year. Ugh!

By the time I got home, my whole body was in critical pain so had to lie down, couldn't sleep, but had the blankie on almost full heat and it really helped.

That's why this post is late, though if you followed my Twitter, you would know this.

Got to loveee a good guilt trip ;)

#BlogLife214 - What makes you laugh?

For me I would say observational humour. I love hearing people tell quirky personal stories.

It doesn't necessarily have to be relatable as long as I can envision it somehow.

I don't really enjoy the mishap videos as they seem, fake, silly, staged or dangerous.

I love when comedians tell tales about their partners and mimic them, it just cracks me up.

Their better halves must be thinking, yea, turn the mike on me. I have some really juicy tidbits to share!!

I guess it's still hard for me to divulge details about my life with others, when it comes to my experiences, unless there is an amusing anecdote included, that makes it tolerable.

It doesn't feel like I'm giving away anything too raw, it's as though I'm chatting to a friend and hoping they will smile afterwards or giggle.

I never really set out to write something amusing. If I did, I don't think it would turn out that way.

My wit is not universal and a lot of people don't seem to understand it.

I think what I do is try to be a lil entertaining with it. I don't exaggerate but I may choose certain words or phrases to make it a bit quirkier.

With all the topics that I cover, especially the emotionally draining posts, it's refreshing to conjure up a lighthearted piece.

I don't really know what your preferences are when you see I've published something new, that's why I try to play about with the topics.

From fiction, to advice, to life experiences to spoofs. I prefer to be varied.

Some people advise sticking to one thing only and doing that as best as you can but I get bored easily.

My creative brain needs to sparkle and get excited. Talking of which, my Asos goodies arrived..

I feel a bit mixed. The purply wrap top, which surprisingly fit nicely is actually lined and cuter than the picture.

I'm thrilled with it. The boots seem very high quality, for the price and there is fur lining at the sides, but not the sole, where I really need it.

A bit gutted about that, plus it looks more like a shoe, than a boot and it's a biker style.

I wouldn't say it was masculine but neither is it feminine. It does seem comfortable with a bit of a heel. 

It's a chunky style. Black with laces, black fake fur and really unattractive silver studs along the front.

It seemed more understated in the images. I'm still going to keep it.

It looks like the type of footwear kids would buy. However I wear a lot of really long trousers and skirts so it will be mostly covered up anyway :)

I don't hate it, it's fine and I do need footwear. For the price I paid it should last a while but if it's uncomfortable, it will have to be trashed.

Walking has to be as gentle as possible for me, to be able to get around and do whatever I need to outdoors.

I'll try to wear it in, inside and then bravely, nervously, take a trip with it.

#BlogLife82 - Revenge (call spoof 3) mature audiences only

Good afternoon madam. I need your limitless, undivided attention today.

I am available. How can I be there for you?

Well my hot chicky apple crumble pie. Now you are talking, aren't you?

Excuse me?

My name is Chris but you can call me lov-

Whoa. Hold your horses. I mean't be there for your emotionally.

Oh my delicious pudding. You can be there for me emotionally, physically, standing, sitt-

I think you have the wrong impression.

No I don't. You all but threw yourself at me. Are you really insatiable?

I will just clarif-

Listen babe. You feel the same strong magnetic attraction as I do. What are your vital statistics? What are you doing after work?

Look Sir. Are you having a hard time?

Sir? Ooooh that is so kinky. Yes yes yes! So hard but I think we should discuss that in person, you never know who is listening...

I really wish you would refrain from profanity and flirting.

Listen dumpling buns. I wasn't flirting I am genuinely in discomfort with this monster......

Ok that is it. I have tried to offer you support but no more. I am reporting you for being inappropriate and mis-using this service.

Wait sugar hips, does this mean you aren't going to call me??? My number is 0-

I disconnect the call abruptly!!!

#BlogLife74 - The subpar indecent proposal (mature audiences only) Update

Have you ever been minding you own business twiddling your thumbs and then all of a sudden you get this peculiar approach. It starts off relatively normal and the questions come..

Do you like to shop?

Do you like to be in control?

How would you feel about taking over my life?

He says I don't want a relationship or an affair just to be ruled..

I mean I have always wondered how those women got men to do their bidding. I wrote it in my book but the reality weirds me out.

It sounds fun and funny to have gifts turn up and be spoilt but then you have to deal with the murky side.

I have never liked submissive men. Alpha men are too arrogant. I guess I want slightly less alpha and definitely not submissive with a nice deep voice.

The thought of someone calling me mistress, makes me shudder. 

I ask the questions that pop into my brain like..

Can you afford this?

What the hell do you want from me, in exchange??

He says he just wants no physical/emotional attachment just to spoil someone and be taken for granted.

I furrow my forehead in a yea right manner. Then he says, can you call me humiliating names and give me punishments...

After my jaw stopped dropping. I think I just laughed. I started, well never stopped cracking jokes.

I've never been spoiled or treated nicely. This is too bizarre. I would be a gold digging, meanie, dominatrix? Lmao :D

What the hell??!!

Although I do need a new summer wardrobe, a new phone, some new boots, new makeup, accessories... This could work.

What shall I call it DomLife? Bahahaha :D

I wasn't going to add this bit but this is already amusing so why not? He wanted to lavish me via a gift card, as in not dip into his savings but use a surplus and have me pick up my own gifts from a warehouse!!

Purleaseeeee as if I self named Queenie of Sheebie dare sully my hands and tootsies traipsing to an unknown collection point.

That is not how this alphess fempot/barnpot/Queenie behaves. I get things delivered to me by a hopefully hunky/non-hunky/ok-make-him-hunky courier!!

Pffft I have ludicrously extravagant taste. For the next applicant you can trawl through my Amazon wishlist. I put some cute outfits that I wouldn't buy myself because the price tag offends me :D

#BlogLife52 - I'm not a flirt! (Call spoof 2)

Hello sexy are you there?

Excuse me Sir, what did you just refer to me as?

Sexy. You should be flattered that is a compliment. I made your day right? C'mon admit it!

Ahem. Please kindly refrain from using that language when addressing me. I am not here to flirt or date. I am here to listen and offer guidance, if need be.

I know. I know. I know. Listen chicky. Don't get your t-shirt in a bunch. It is just the way I talk, alright? I know this isn't a dating/flirting app.

I am very relieved to hear that you are aware of the intended purpose. I would be content if you stuck to respectful dialogue that made me feel comfortable.

*Sighs* As you wish. I'm sorry that you were offended by my friendly tone. From now on I shall behave, happy?

Thank you. That is all I ask. How can I assist you today?

Thanks for asking dollface. By the way lambchop, where are you from? How old are you? Are you single?

Sir. I am going to insist on asserting some boundaries. As I have said before, my purpose is to be there for someone in need.

All you are doing is flirting. I apologise if you are really in need of counsel but heed my warning and act accordingly. Thank you.

Whoa whoa whoa. Where did the hostility come from? I just think we would make a cute couple and have adorable babies.

I am not doing anything untoward. You are overreacting. Just hear me out. I am 35 year old hot tottie. 

Toned, gorgeous. My own bachelor pad, soon to include you in it, if you loosen up my soon-to-be-wifey.

I will sadly be off then, if you don't want to be my honey bunny *sniffles*

Clearly we are at cross purposes here. Feel free to request someone else to talk to but I will end this chat now.

**Just to point out these are all crazy spoofs. None of these are actual conversations. I take confidentiality seriously.

I just need an outlet of revenge against the people who frustrate, annoy the hell out of me and make me bite my tongue :D

#BlogLife50 - The cringe factor

Ugh I heard myself doing it again tonight. How do I stop it? I was asked to keep in touch, if I was happy to do so but I assumed it was an obligation.

I do not want to be that for someone. How do you know if it is genuine or if it is just someone being polite? I actually accepted the offer because frankly the interactions are light hearted and make me laugh.

I don't often find someone approachable and though this is, as usual, not romantic/flirty etc or any of that nonsense. It is enjoyable and a way that makes my day bearable.

Especially after hearing some of these conversations. That I cannot discuss with anyone. I rambled another cringy reply to him. 

I was seriously going to paste what I said but I can't lol. It is so soooo bad. He just sent me a reply and it just went from lighthearted to deep. Eek :D

I made a lame joke and he thought I was questioning his motives? Actually I was just being my usual goofball self :D I clarified that just now and something else.

It's weird that someone I thought that was neutral appeared to be in flirt mode-ish. I let my guard down unnaturally and then I realised the truth and it went back up.

I have been avoiding him ever since. He failed the test and answer. I have these factors I look out for to see if someone is caring/honest/reliable.

I am sick of investing in the wrong people. The new person seems genuine but I remain on high alert for any changes. I let something slip today.

Time will tell if it was a mistake. I disclosed that I never feel heard and that I can manage to be there for others easily but no longer expect the same in return.

Also I said that I made the assumption I was being an imposition because I am not used to being supported and so it obviously must be an inconvenience.

He said he was joking but there are kernels of truth imbedded inside the response. However he addressed everything I said. Which I guess was the test I was looking for!

I just got my answer. He said he just enjoys listening to people so I will just take that and accept it.

He is the opposite to me. I am caring on a clock, once the time is up.. I'm sorry I don't give a damn. I have my own stuff to contend with.

I kinda wanted to ask him, if he ever feels like saying....

"Why are you asking/whining to me? I got better priorities. Leave me alone. Shish. I can't even enjoy a cupcake in piece!" :D

#BlogLife 43 - Call spoof

 Hello, can you hear me?

Yes I'm right here and ready to support you.

Hey, are you still there?

Can you not hear me? I responded and said I was available for you :)

Oh sorry. I heard something vague but my volume was low and I can't be bothered to raise it. Can't you just shout instead?

I'm sorry. I can't do that. This service is all about discretion and confidentiality. I need to maintain that.

Hmm. You seem quite uncooperative mademoiselle. 

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm just trying to serve you the best way I know how.

Serve me? Serve me? SERVE ME? Listen chicky, we are not at a restaurant. You are not my waitress, got it?

I humbly apologise. Let me rephrase that immediately. What I mean't to say is that. I am ready to listen and be there for you.

That's better. You should have said that in the first place. What is this amateur hour?

Right. I'll start with the sweet and sour chicken and then I'-

Excuse the interruption but are you trying to make a food service order?

Don't interrupt. Now where was I? Oh yea, I'll have some of that boiled rice with egg and vegetables.

Egg fried rice?

Quit distracting me. I'm starving. Oh I'll have that drink that tastes citrusy. You know orangey. What is it called? 

Fanta?? 

No you are wrong. It's called Lilt. Honestly, for a server, you are completely inept.

*Takes a deep calming breath* First of all I am not a waitress/server. Secondly this is not a fast food restaurant. Thirdly this is a helpline for people who need a sympathetic ear.

Pfft. I know your game. Even though the number I dialled looks different than it normally does. 

I bet you are on a break and don't want to help. Helpline. Pfft. No help to me. 

This is the last time, you are getting my business and to think I was going to increase my tip from my usual 5p to 10p.

You can forget it!

*Call disconnects abruptly*

Ad spoof blogging group

Take a seat, make yourself comfortable. The feature you are about to see is no joke. 

It was carefully crafted from the mind that brought you.....

Fancy an m&m?

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/10/fancy-m-fiction.html

Quirky TLC

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/02/relaxing-ish-scenario.html

The slapping method

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-slapping-method.html

I am inviting you to be the first to get involved from the ground upwards in this revolutionary new group called......

The people side to blogging.

Yes you heard that correctly. The people side to blogging. What a name huh? 

Just makes you feel all warm and toasty, like you wanna reach out and hug somebody and then persuade them to drop the restraining order and snuggle them again!

*Cheesy laughter*

There are no fees. Yes folks, I repeat, no costs to joining this 100% free group. It has zero members. I said zero. You will be the first. 

The absolute first, feeling ever so self conscious, like you were dragged here. Kicking and screaming. 

There will be no posts. No adverts. No obligations. 

All you have to do is sign here and give away your name, email and blog address.

You will also be required to agree to the following terms and conditions and failure to do so will result in severe repercussions!!

I will destroy your reputation, spam your blog and uninvite you to Friday Fun Night. 

A whole Friday of delights between you and whoever is crazy enough to sign up to this absolute chummy, warm, feelgood, uncreepy, genuine group.

We have chats and not just any conversations folks. I mean about feelings, competitiveness, writers block and wondering if you even belong.

Yes. That is right. We cover everything in this dynamic. All we ask is that you sign over the deed to your house, leave us in your will and recommend us to ten of your friends.

Ps.

Under no circumstances are you ever allowed to ask fellow members to subscribe or comment to your blogs or I will mercilessly hunt you down and confiscate your Easter eggs!

I will only permit you to share your links and ask for advice, not about making money or being the best that you can be but about whether you are going in the right direction or noticed any quirks to be addressed.

Don't delay, be a sucker today :D

Fancy an m&m? (fiction)

Don't be a silly goose. Of course that doesn't stand for confectionery. I am referring to a hand/arm massage and a manicure.

Everybody knows that! 

However if that is what your heart truly desires, then so be it. 

Hmm..? Suddenly not so keen on the choccies? 

Oh don't stop there, my dear. Keep the compliments *cough* *grovelling* *cough* going.

Uh huh and? Really?

I never knew you thought that highly of me.

List my ten highest qualities!

*Roaring with laughter* S-stop. Se-riously. Heavens above. I was only messing with you. 

There was no need to actually sing my praises but appreciated all the same oh gullible one ;)

Wraps a heating blanket over your shoulders and dims the lights. 

Just for a lark, I shake an empty peanut butter jar that I've written *tips* on. 

No. We do not accept smiles as gratuity! What kind of mock salon do you think I'm pretend running here? Cheapskate! Hmpff!

I slide your rings off your fingers and drop them into the tip jar. Stating I may or may not return these afterwards.

I slide a heated pink bamboo towel under your hands and carefully inspect them. Tutting and shaking my head disapprovingly.

Why are they in such disarray? I even gave you a manicure set for your birthday this year. 

Pardon? Oops oh yea. I forgot your birthday and avoided you for a fortnight afterwards. 

Well.. Er.. I was in a crisis. Someone had the audacity to eat my last rolo!

Care to pick a colour? 

Um don't you think that is a bit tacky?

Calm down it was only an observation. Don't blame me if you get solicited!

Sighing I cast the nail polish aside and place your unkempt hands in the slightly cooled hot water glass bowl filled with rose petals and soaked in a grapeseed carrier oil mixed with rose and citrus essential oils.

I unroll the manicure kit like a badass. Picking out all the handy tools I'll be using. 

I pluck your hands from the bowl and place them on the towel, wiping them with a large red bamboo flannel.

Next I pick up the lemongrass nail polish remover and the fluffiest cotton pads I could find and rub along your fingernails until you look presentable again.

You really should moisturise. Your hands feel butch. 

I lift your left hand and place it in mine. Would you like square or round nails?

Tough. I only know how to style square nails. I was only being polite giving you a choice. 

I take out the file and start shaping the nails on your left hand. 

I then drop it and pick up your right hand and do the same. After that is complete. I buff them, completing the preparation.

I place your expertly tidied nails back into the bowl, having topped it up with more hot water. 

After a few minutes, I remove them again and place them on the towel.

I flip the cap of the pink grapefruit scrub open and squeeze a generous amount onto my palm and I smear my hands together blending it fully. 

I love the grainy sound of a scrub.

I take your left hand in between my palms and start rotating them in a soothing, stroking manner. 

I repeat the same with your right hand and then I place them both back on the towel.

I press down with a light force just utilising my fingertips on each of your hands simultaneously, starting with your fingertips. 

I glide in small circles deeply penetrating your skin, moving up past your knuckles and on to your hands and wrists.

I then turn your hands over and repeat the same movements. Starting from your fingertips, all the way up to your wrist. 

Smoothing your hands all over with feather like caresses.

I grab your left hand and place it between my hands and start to grind my hand up your arm, letting the scrub sink in.

I press down a little and slide my hands towards me and back upwards a few times.

Then I finish up in a more circular motion, tackling your hand from the top and bottom.

Blending the scrub in and coating your arm until it feels soft.

I let go of your left hand and reach for your right hand to carry on sliding it between my palms and then work it higher on to your arm until it is thoroughly coated. 

I massage it in with round touches and then sweep up and down.

I place your hands back on the towel and disappear to rinse off and empty the bowl. 

I return and refill the bowl with hot water and rose essential oil. 

I take a squeezy purple sponge, dip it in the water and start to remove the scrub from your hands and arms. 

This time I just glide it forwards and backwards, flipping your hands around to finish off.

I get a new towel and rub away the excess moisture from your hands and arms with gentle dabs. 

Now that you are dry. I scoop up a handful of the cranberry body butter and massage it into your hands using my thumbs and fingers, until it glows and feels silky.

I then place your hands down and start applying the base coat, meticulously brushing your nails like a professional. 

After that dries I apply two coats of your tacky varnish.

I get up to admire my handiwork. Damn I'm good, especially with what I had to work with. 

Please show yourself out and don't forget your gawdy jewellery!

Just before you leave I place a bag in your hand with an M&M gift box, a deluxe manicure set and a bottle of pink non alcoholic bubbly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quirky TLC (fiction)

After a long tough day you are just getting in now. You feel frustrated and peeved but at no one in particular you're just to tired to care at this point. 

I as your platonic friend will help you to unwind and yes I know I didn't need to mention that we are platonic but I did anyway to bust your hump, see you are already smiling and I have only just begun to wield my magic.

Why don't you hop in the shower like a funky kangaroo and wash this miserable day away. 

Let the water cascade over you and just close your eyes and immerse yourself in the incense sticks I have left burning in the bathroom. 

I have put out fresh towels already and the scent of those will melt your troubles away. Breathe in those intoxicating aromas but don't fall asleep just yet, there is more to unfold.
 
I have also been cooking. I got the recipe from my mother who you know is a wonderful cook and she talked me through it as we made it together. 

Stop making that gagging face and queasy look, she fully supervised and I did not get creative and try to add a flourish with some hokey ingredients of my own. 

Be grateful you little dodo or I'll close the kitchen down and your stomach will continue rumbling all night long.

You can produce a better smile than that, dig deeper, show me some teeth. 

That's better, now for goodness go shower because frankly you stink and if I open up any more windows, burglars might think we are having an open house!

While you are de-funkafying in the shower. I shall continue setting everything up because now that you are here we can chill out together. 

I'm going to switch off all the bright main lights and turn on the dimmer lamps instead to get you in the mood for a deep slumber and to stop you straining your goofy but grateful eyes. 

I'm also going to slip a dvd into the machine and set it up for when we are ready to eat.
 
You remember that movie, the one where the husband is poisoned by the scorned wifey.. seemed appropriate somehow...

*Muffles my sinister chuckling with a cushion* I look up to see a blank but sightly maniacal expression on your face and I think to myself...let the games begin.

My face turns sombre as I realise we really do need to have a serious discussion, something is clearly on your mind and has been bothering you for a while. 

I sit down next to you on the sofa now that you're finally out of the bathroom and not in fact decomposing in there, shove your arm playfully and say Talk to me.

I look deep into your eyes and fully concentrate my attention on you and only you. 

I can sense you hesitate but before I can prod you any further, you let out a long sigh and begin to tell me all your woes. 

Your face crumples and your shoulders slump as you unburden yourself. Things that you have bottled up for ages now flow freely from your lips. 

All the while I maintain eye contact with you and reassure you that I will listen for as long as it takes and that I'll always be here for you, no matter what.

After everything has been said and you are completely vulnerable and emotionally drained. 

I put my arm around your back and gently sweep it up and down in a soothing motion while you have your eyes closed with your head in your hands. 

Everything is going to work out, it's just going to take a bit of time, for now there is nothing more you can do. 

You are more resilient than you think, you've been trying to deal with all of it by yourself, but you're only human. 

Together you and I will go through it and talk some more and maybe even come up with a plan of action but for tonight, let everything go and just be free from it.

Your stomach grumbles ferociously and we both grin, the tension is broken and I head to the kitchen to get the food from the oven. I bring back a tray filled with culinary goodies. 

Chicken fajita pasta, decorated with green peppers, olives, a light drizzle of cheese sauce, succulent mouthwatering tandoori chicken strips and finally some diced spring onions.

I set it down on the table and place yours in front of you while I go back to the kitchen for the drinks. 

I've chilled a few bottles of shloer pink fizz/apple & blackberry punch.

There is also some chunky coleslaw and a caesar salad with dressing. I know I'm spoiling you right?